Chapter Text
Sounds of raindrops against the window and wind's howling were strangely calming for Dirk. Despite growing up in the middle of the ocean, or maybe because of it, he found these reminders of home almost nostalgic, even relaxing. Rainstorms ranged from mildly unsettling to dangerously close to life-threatening there, so having solid ground instead of an endless body of water underneath centuries old building turned storms into inconsequential background things not even worth paying attention to. Not being in any immediate danger was novel to him even after spending years on Earth C, yet memories of anxiety and adrenaline in the middle of the storm in his shaky lonely apartment were soothing in their familiarity. Dirk almost preferred these times to uneventful days of his current life, and he found the contradiction to be fascinating.
Dirk knew that after a while these chaotic sounds would be nothing more than background noise, but in recent months a certain exception was added to this rule. Being friends with John Egbert in general was an experience in more ways than one, but accidentally finding out that his mood changes directly affected the weather was something he didn't exactly expect. Taking this into consideration, the current raging rainstorm would be a normal occurrence in a situation that didn't involve him randomly going off radars again, since his disappearances and the weather going insane were connected more often than not. Well, maybe "disappearances" wasn't the most accurate way to put it: John actually had been successfully managing to warn Dirk that he needed a moment to then fuck off and turn into four winds, but his warnings and reasoning became really nondescript and vague at best recently.
Dirk was well aware of things John was going through after a bit over a year of talking to him, which just showed him how much John didn't want any of his vulnerable thoughts to see the light of day. Not only were his issues eerily familiar on a surface level, but John actually allowed him to get closer and learn way more than just things you could extrapolate from his usual behavior. After many attempts to open up to others and admit that there were things he wanted to talk about and just couldn't let himself, he ended up talking to Dirk of all people about what normally would be considered an awkward amount of deeply personal feelings, just because he asked. Dirk, however, did the same, surprising even himself, and clearly nothing helps with bonding more than excessive trust, oversharing or both, and that was exactly why Dirk couldn't just leave John alone to dwell on whatever was haunting his thoughts.
He knew, partially from experience and partially from John's behavior, that he would spiral: there were reasons for his gradual self-imposed isolation. John's outer happy-go-lucky attitude was an escapist tactic hiding a whole convoluted mess of dark thoughts and heavy feelings behind it at first, but after a while he seemingly lost his ability to keep appearances, and the more Dirk found out about what was underneath, the more worried he became. There were a lot of concerning signs, and John had become more or less transparent to Dirk after many conversations they shared, to the point where he started to pick up on certain patterns in his behavior even without talking to him. John seemingly without a reason could decide that none of the things that bothered him mattered and even convince himself that that was actually the case, then realize his own lie, get innerly upset, then dismiss his own feelings completely as if nothing happened, then just explode at a random moment because he went through that exact process with everything that hurt him until he couldn't deal with it anymore. None of that would be obvious to someone who doesn't know until everything goes south, or, most likely, turns into a literal uncontrolled storm for everyone to enjoy.
Dirk pinched the bridge of his nose and scolded himself, reminded that this behavior was exactly why people tended to find his excessive care off-putting. He cynically and mechanically analyzed everything first while also being passionately invested in helping, or maybe in something he saw as due help. In hindsight it looked arrogant as fuck even to himself every time it happened, but he couldn't exactly change just like that either, despite being burned by it before. Then again, Dirk had reasons to believe that John actually needed his attention, and not because he said so for once. John's isolation turned out to be even worse than Dirk's own, and something spoke to him in the way he craved for purpose and connection while simultaneously rejecting everyone's attempts to connect with him, like he subconsciously thought he was too far gone to get any help at this point.
Dirk reasoned that even if his interventions were uncalled for and it was just him seeking some sort of validation for himself, John never actually rejected his attempts to connect. He confided in him instead, even though he didn't really have to, so Dirk kept it in the back of his mind since, and sometimes he couldn't stop thinking about it. All of it affected him personally, both because he could relate and because John trusted him enough to tell him about things he never let anyone else see at all.
Overthinking tended to make Dirk feel helpless and anxious, and he hated both. He was worried with an uneasy worry you get when you create the worst case scenario in your head that may or may not be possible at all. He knew that he wouldn't be able to rest until he made sure everything was okay, even if he really wanted to. Dirk had all intentions to go with the flow, shut up and not tell John how he should feel instead of furiously making storms outside, if that was what he needed at the moment. Not that too many people even knew about this particular quirk of character, and it made Dirk even more restless than he already was. Maybe some non-specific people even deserved a waterfall on their heads, just so they could have a reason to pay attention to the problem. John obviously wouldn't want that, and sometimes Dirk just didn't want to think what he wanted out of habit, but he tried anyway because he apparently cared that much.
Eventually Dirk got tired of his thoughts going in circles, so he decided to get to problem solving. Somehow he'd earned himself a reputation of getting shit done among the small circle of people he knew and didn't even feel like he deserved the credit. His friends were subjected to autoresponder's ways, which were debatably way too elaborate for Dirk to pull off on his own, Dave was biased by yet another one of Dirk's splinters, who used to be objectively more experienced and debatably more competent than he was, and Rose just vaguely challenged him to be as competent as he presented himself to be, which he genuinely appreciated.
What he didn't appreciate, however, was the way the same people somehow happened to not be involved with the current issue of their friend going wild with his mental state based weather power. Dirk knew that he was way too biased and had no say in this, so he didn't even find it in himself to think what those accusations would sound like if he was to voice them, but he let himself be silently upset on John's behalf. On the other hand, he'd done and still was ready to do all sorts of insane shit just to keep his friends and now family safe and relatively fine, so seeing the lack of investment, let alone effort, bothered him a lot. He couldn't deny that even though he hadn't known John for very long, he cared about him, hence his current predicament, so why could others just move on without a single question if they knew him since forever? It was mostly thanks to Dave's stories and good memories related to John that Dirk had gotten curious about him at first, then he got involved, or perhaps excused himself, and now couldn't just walk away with nothing, but people who supposedly were his friends he went through the end of the world with could, and it felt so mind boggling and unfair. The whole situation that led to John being that unstable was unfair and incomprehensible, and Dirk forced himself to not think about it for a moment: he had more pressing issues to deal with.
He couldn't concentrate on anything with the mess going on in his thoughts anyway, so he sent a couple of messages to John just in case. After about half an hour of wandering around the house in an attempt to clean up as a distraction and not receiving a response, Dirk decided to go out for some friend searching. John's place wasn't close, so he looked over the room and picked up a hoodie, tying it around his waist, took a helpfully Jane supplied umbrella and went out.
===
The rainstorm was unexpectedly bearable outside. For the amount of noise it was making, it sure wasn't just as cold or harsh, but maybe John just calmed down a bit already.
Dirk didn't actually know where or how to find him in case he wasn't home. He knew a couple of places he could visit, but there was also John's ability to turn into wind. Going all the way to his place on feet would take a lot of time too, but flying either with god tier powers or the hoverboard was a bad idea, since "not that harsh" didn't mean safe and sound, especially not up in the air. The wind was still raging, and the higher you go, the worse it would be. With both teleporting powers and turning into wind John could be literally anywhere on, or, most likely, above Earth C. Dirk could theoretically trace him in his wind state with his own soul related Heart powers, but he couldn't really bet on it, and the idea was reeking of overbearing paranoia.
Dirk decided to go in the general direction of John's house for now, considering his options. He wasn't sure what he was hoping for when he went out into the rain instead of just waiting for John to vent, come back and answer his phone, but his anxious thoughts wouldn't let him sit still, especially because there was no way for him to tell if John was okay or not at any point anyway. For a second he even tried to convince himself that the rain could just be natural and unrelated to John, who could be just having a moment to himself without Dirk fussing over him. The idea was obvious and reasonable, but the adequate part of Dirk's mind was overshadowed by an entire ensemble of his own paranoid thoughts. He understood that he objectively had no reason to be that worried since there was never any danger and John couldn't exactly harm himself or anyone else, and yet. Any remotely rational thought was quickly blown away by a really strange, unreasonable amount of empathy he felt towards him, and being unable to reach him only amplified this almost painful anxious feeling in his chest.
That aside, there was also the fact that Dirk really wanted to trust him. Recently John was courteous enough to come up with at least some bullshit reason for his prolonged absence: he finally figured out that going off radars actually could and did make people, and specifically Dirk, worry about him enough to pester their small circle of friends with vague messages about the great weather outside, don't you just love the authentic Texas experience with tornadoes and shit? He was dead silent this time though, and for Dirk everything beat sitting on his ass, waiting for a blessing from above and overthinking everything there was to think about while John might be not doing so well to the point of causing an entire rain season to happen all at once. Having no options sucked, but he also trusted himself to figure something out.
Dirk shook his head, checking his surroundings: he didn't go too far and still could turn back. He considered cutting his own bullshit multiple times, but knew he'd end up obsessing over the situation anyway. Walking endlessly completely alone wasn't helping at all: he just ended up way deeper in his own head than usual. Some part of Dirk was doubting his decision. He probably needed to wait and do something else as a distraction instead of intervening unprompted, and normally he would spend time with just the right person, but now his sudden appearance in his obviously distraught state would raise questions he wasn't in the mood to answer. For some reason Dave just couldn't handle John related topics properly, especially not from Dirk, and Dirk decided that it's too bothersome to even try this time.
The other person he ever considered asking for some sort of guidance probably could understand him better, but Rose had been silently judging him since the moment he talked to or about John for five minutes longer than she deemed necessary, and Dirk for the life of him couldn't explain her protectiveness streak. The contrast between Roxy's cheerful deflection or maybe indifference and her initial interest in John was stark enough to draw some conclusions, but Dirk didn't trust himself with those when it was about her. She probably was more like Dave in this situation and couldn't just act on a whim and intervene, especially not with John who was gradually growing distant. Jane's relationship with John wasn't exactly strained, but they weren't close either. She didn't really have the same almost idolizing respect for her Poppop that her friends had for their ancestors, probably because he wasn't her direct parental figure, but she liked John himself just fine, and he was the one who couldn't bring himself to connect with her in recent months (and by extension with her Dad, which was another can of worms). Jake wasn't an option, even though he was eager to help, maybe even suspiciously so. Dirk couldn't tell what could be the issue there: they were similar in some ways and clicked just fine at first, but according to Jake, John was the one who shut himself off at some point.
So in fairness, John was as responsible for his own lack of support as others, but Dirk still couldn't exactly blame him. His responses to others trying to reach out were messed up by something outside of his control, and sometimes he could be completely irrational and even convinced in things that weren't based on facts or reason. Nothing could reach him in that particular state of mind, and Dirk learned that really quickly. John contradicted himself a lot, he clearly wanted others to care, but was too wary of their reaction, and Dirk never figured out why. Was he worried about betraying their expectations, afraid of their disappointment, or did he want to keep their good memories together intact? Regardless, he ended up rejecting them, and they sure as hell felt that.
There was John's remaining family though. Jade was a great company, and whether or not she could help either of them, Dirk wasn't going to blame her for the outcome. She was the only one trying to keep contact with the both of them: she tried more than once to reach out, despite John just straight up not paying attention to any messages anymore, and the second she knew Dirk happened to be in contact with her brother, she decided to keep in touch with him too. Maybe she was trying to mend her own loneliness, but it wasn't Dirk's place to assume anything about her. He actually felt bad for bothering her, but at the same time he needed all the help he could get, and making an attempt wouldn't hurt. He wrote a quick message to her and resumed his wandering, waiting for the response.
===
It kept getting darker too fast for his liking, but Dirk kept going, paying no mind to the chilly evening air on his skin. He could see the city lights from afar, obscured by fog and humidity, and focusing on them awoke some contemplating feelings in him. Nothing about cities beyond the general idea of getting lost in the crowd appealed to him. Too many people, too much noise and movement, maybe too much normalcy as well.
Dirk absentmindedly wondered if John had ever thought about something similar. He apparently grew up in a suburban area where nothing was happening, then got a dark, open windy planet in the game, and after the game just became a hermit in his house in the middle of nowhere. Dirk was mystified by the fact that he still couldn't quite tell if John even liked big crowds. He'd seemed like a people's person at first, some sort of sociable accidental star of the show without ever trying to be one, but it became clear that other people's perception and the reality of things were separated from each other. He still could very much engage in social activities, but his energy would inevitably deplete and he'd lose any semblance of interest towards anyone or anything at all, which wasn't bad per se, but confusing to people who were unaware. Made sense to Dirk, but probably led to more misunderstandings than it was worth.
Dirk caught himself mid thought once again. His thoughts sure couldn't concentrate on anything but John at the moment, and the amount of things he could tell about him was probably concerning, but he was too invested to back down. Was he that desperate to connect with someone, or did he just like the guy that much? He didn't exactly lose any friends, despite all of them finally having other people in their lives, he gained more actually, but he still kept looking for a connection in the most unlikely place. He didn't even ask John much, just observed out of his own curiosity, and ended up completely swept up in his own pure desire to figure him out. He learned that John liked his power fantasy action movies, but would either gush about them or shit on their flaws relentlessly with equal enthusiasm. He was the one choosing their activities when they just started regularly hanging out together, and said activities mostly included him picking a movie he's already seen to either discern it or rewatch and reminisce (and try to make Dirk stop sarcastically overanalyzing them while actually enjoying his commentary.) John also liked playing serene piano tunes and spending time in comfortable silence though. The way they eventually were able to just relax in each other's presence without saying anything was stirring something both familiar and new in Dirk, and he couldn't help but be cautious about that. Was all of this too much, was he looking too much into this? The thought of developing some stronger feelings was terrifying, and it made him question his every action, but one thing he was relatively sure of was the fact that their friendship wasn't one-sided.
John was the one to bring up that connection isn't supposed to be just about him: he felt guilty that Dirk just went along with everything for his sake. It didn't quite occur to Dirk that he was supposed to get something out of their shaky friendship arrangement, but he could tell that he likely was just saving himself from rejection that apparently wasn't going to happen. He just suppressed his own wishes to avoid disappointment and give the other person what they wanted, and the god of freedom apparently didn't like his attempts to restrain himself very much, which was rather fitting. The realization that he was actually okay with doing anything (or nothing, if John prefers) when they're hanging out didn't help his current train of thought in the slightest. Their time together became more relaxed and open after that, and Dirk didn't dare to think about that at the time, but in hindsight it felt more intimate. They really could be doing nothing together except for sometimes look at whatever on their phones. Either of them could randomly take a nap thanks to their chaotic sleeping schedules and the other would be chill with it, sometimes they both would just straight up black out after not sleeping properly for days to wake up at a weird time and have a strange 4 a.m. conversation regardless of the actual time of the day, and that would be fine for the both of them.
None of that should be okay, but Dirk appreciated the company and the distraction way too much to care. He selfishly decided that there was time and ways to go and improve both of their individual lives or their indulgent relationship.
A sound from his phone cut his thoughts. Dirk unlocked it to see a cheerful green "sure come have some tea! :D" from Jade and exhaled, relieved. Even the simplest interactions with people outside of his friends still weren't easy for him, but Jade was a special case. She was cheerful, witty and really pleasant to talk to, but also perceptive enough to back out of awkward topics, so with most things Dirk could trust her not to interrogate him. He was dreading her reaction to the whole John thing though: Jade cared so very much about everyone close to her, but John wasn't and actively tried to remain this way. Jade was having none of that at first, but she had her limits too, and Dirk could tell she was hiding her own exhaustion under a bubbly energetic persona. Years of being friends with Jake and Jane taught him a couple of things, and after getting to know the siblings too, he was convinced that the whole family one way or another adopted a 'fake it till you make it' approach to their emotions. The giant mess that happened to their friend group was caused by this exact bullshit, and the current John situation was a nice addition to familiar experience. Dirk remembered why he turned to Jade in the first place and hurried to her house.