Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

tw: domestic violence, school bullying, suicidal thoughts, homophobia, religious trauma

-does it hurt you?-such words snapped Kim Taehyung out of his trance. Fuck, great, that means he had passed out-I was asking if it fucking hurt you-repeated the voice and that brought Kim back to the ground. His senses came back to him and he already knew. He knew that he was still in the school's toilet and that it was Jeon Jeongguk who was kicking him in the stomach right now. 

Well, yeah, it hurts. And Jeongguk is well aware of that. After all the young boy under his feet is just staining his sneakers with spitting blood. Jeon is well aware of the fact that he twisted his thumb, that his belly is plum blue, that blood is oozing from the lips and eyebrows of the brunet. Jeon is disgusted with him. Taehyung is gross.

Coming out of the toilet, Jungkook decides to finally spit the huddled boy in the face, and then he's gone, leaving his scarred body in silence.

It takes Taehyung some time to gather the last of his strength to get up. Firstly he sits with his knees in his arms. Everything hurts. Tears spring to his eyes. 

Taehyung knows damn well that if he comes back to class the same fate will await him at the next break. He knows he has to come home again. He knows that he will again lock himself in his room and treat his wounds till his father's car arrives in the driveway. In the evening his mom will take a peak in the room and make her helpless face. What else could she do? After all, she will never stand up to her husband. 

Well these are the realities of living in Korea. Raging homophobia, literally everywhere. Taehyung thinks to himself that only a few more months, and eventually he will go to college, where no one will remember him. Where no one will know about his otherness. Where he will be like any other kid.  He will manage somehow. Only a few months of torment at school and a few months of his father's evil glare to endure. It will work out, it must work out. 

Kim stands up slowly and peers at the school's bathroom mirror for a moment. He looks like shit. Dried up blood on the right side of his face and at the corners of his mouth. He washes it off quickly with a ball of toilet paper soaked in water. After that he quickly grabs his backpack and leaves the school. The janitor doesn't even pay attention to him anymore. I mean it's at least once a week when the boy leaves school in the middle of class. She got used to it.

After reaching home, Taehyung becomes hysterical just at the door to his room. He feels the anxiety attack taking over him. It eats him whole. He hates himself and the life that fate had chosen for him. He slams the door shut with his foot and walks towards the first aid kit burried somewhere in his sheets. He pulls out of it a plaster and gauze. His sprained thumb makes it difficult to do something about the cuts but after some time he succeeds in putting a plaster on them. He puts a cooling ointment on the hurting finger and wraps it in a bandage. While standing in front of the mirror, he gently pulls up his T-shirt. His entire belly is purple and yellow. In some places you can even see some orange from a week ago. He sighs under his breath and lubricates his body with the same cooling substance. It gives him some relief. After that, he goes to the kitchen and picks up some fruit from the table, a bottle of water, and a pack of crackers. He glances at the clock on the black table-its almost five. Panic flows through his body, his father will very soon be here. He quickly takes the food to his room and tries to lock the door for almost 40 seconds. With an injured thumb it's quiet a challenge. At last he finally succeeds and he does it in the perfect moment because right after closing the door he hears the sound of unlocking the main door and loud footsteps coming from the corridor. Taehyung knows very well what is going to happen now. He waits for the rumbling of his father's feet to intensify, waits for him to knock on the door and ...

-Kim, I know you're there-he hears his voice, full of disgust, as always- quote- he commands

-L-Leviticus 18:22- his voice breaks-you shall not lie with a male as with a woman, it is an abomination. 20:30 If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination, they shall surely be put to death, th-their blood is upon them- he says finally, voice weak, full of pain. His fists clench automatically.

-What are those who associate with men like that? -asks the father

-Abominable-he answers against himself

-Who are they opposing to?

-God

-Good, wasn't so bad after all, right?

-Yes father

-I told you not to call me that. You're not my son anymore, remember?

-I'm sorry- his heart breaks again

He again hears footsteps, his father leaves.

Taehyung slides down to his knees, leaning against the door. He hides his face in his hands and then he cries, trying not to make any noise. After all, he doesn't want his father to hear him. It's so unmanly and pathetic.

Around 8 pm Taehyung leaves his room. His father is asleep on the couch with the TV turned on. Tae quickly locks himself in the bathroom, takes a shower in silence. He shudders in pain as the jets of warm water touch his stomach. Tears are running down his cheeks by itself. More and more often thoughts about ending it all appear in his head. Maybe it would be better? Maybe he would relieve everyone this way? Maybe Jeon Jeongguk would finally be happy? Maybe.

In the living room, his mother greets him with a faint smile and gives him a plate of sandwiches. After returning to the bedroom, he puts on his headphones and turns on the computer. Around midnight he goes to bed with the fear of the next day.

Chapter Text

tw: anger issues, childhood trauma, homophobic slurs, bullying

The sun's rays wake Jungkook up about 6 am. The young boy stretches lazily in bed, then goes straight to his bathroom. He shivers slightly as his bare feet touch the cold marble floor. He washes his face with a tonic, brushes his teeth and combs his hair. After his morning routine he goes to his wardrobe, where he presses a red button and after a second, the door opens automatically. Jeongguk chooses his clothes for a few minutes. He finally decides on an expensive Guliano suit and dark sneakers. He looks  phenomenal, as always. He smiles at his reflection in the mirror and goes down to the kitchen, where he is greeted by the hostess, Mrs. Jung. The dyed blonde woman hands him a plate of food and goes back to wiping the countertop.

-Parents still home?-asks the boy with some sort of hope in his voice

-No, they left  for an important meeting today at dawn. They will probably be back around friday

Jeon just sighs. He got already used to their absence. Actually, it would be more of a shock if they were still at home.

By 6:40 am Jeon was already in the backseat of Mr. Lee's Mercedes. His chauffeur drove him to a private high school, where he arrived at 6:58.

The first lessons pass very quickly. In fact, it's already lunchtime. The boy was on his way to the school cafeteria, as most of the school's students do. Walking down the corridor he sees him- Kim Taehyung himself. Jeon would even be able to let him go today and just go eat his meal, if not for what he sees in front of his eyes. His blood instantly boils in his veins. Kim is walking across the hall, not alone, but accompanied by Kim Jisoo, a very nice girl from the class below. Jisoo is probably one of the few only people who's still hanging out with Taehyung. All of the other students are afraid that they will end up like him-beaten in the school's bathroom. 

Jungkook looks at them from a distance for a while. He even sees a smile on Taehyung's lips.

His hands begin to itch. He had already clenched them in his fists until his knuckles turned pale. Jeon stands leaning against the school wall for a while, biting his cheek from the inside, and that's when Kim Taehyung takes his eyes off the brunette's face and finally sees him. The first thing Jungkook notices is the instantaneous change in the expression on his face. The smile immediately disappears and panic takes its place. His eyes lose their clarity, become cloudy, and they pierce the entire corridor, as if looking for a way out. The young boy clenches his hands on the handle of his leather bag, digging his nails into the skin on his hand.

 Jeon smiles in a pugnacious way and says in a sweet voice:

-Jisoo, would you give us a moment?

The girl tries to say something, but Jeon is not listening to her anymore. He grasps Taehyung's arm so tightly, knowing that it will make a bruise, and then he leads the boy towards the school's restroom. Kim doesn't even try to defend himself. He knows that he is in a losing position from the very beginning.  

The bathroom is empty, most people are probably already in the canteen eating ramen, bulgogi or japchae.

Right after closing the door Jeon throws the filigree body on the floor. After that, not waiting a second he kicks Taehyung straight in the stomach. The other boy squirms in pain, closing his eyes. But Jeon doesn't stop there. He hits him even more. One of the kicks hit the boy in the face, cutting his lip. Then Jungkook grabs the younger man's hands and puts them brutally on the ground. He doesn't wait long when he twists his thumb unnaturally, and then steps on it with his foot. A grimace of pain appears on the other boy's face. As an apology, he offers him some more kicks in the stomach until Kim spits saliva mixed with blood on his dark shoes staining them in a burgundy color. Then he steps a little bit aside, tears off a piece of toilet paper, rolls it chaotically into a ball and wipes the sneakers clean. While leaving, he spits the young man in the face and leaves the toilet, slamming the door loudly.

When he leaves, he still has the sight of Taehyung in his head and fuck, Jeongguk has no idea why, but he thinks the brown-haired boy still looks beautiful even on that dirty bathroom floor. Despite a split lip,  twisted thumb and blood oozing from his brow bone, Taehyung still looks beautiful.

And it pisses Jeongguk even more off. He enters the cafeteria with an angry scowl on his face. Everyone suddenly freezes. All heads are pointing towards him. He doesn't even notice that along the way he has been smearing blood from his poorly wiped shoes on the floor. He doesn't give a shit at the moment. He stands in line for his food and after maybe two minutes he leaves with a salad and a water bottle. He moves towards the table on the left, sits down and says hello to the rest.

-You did it again- these are the first words he hears from Min Yoongi sitting to his right. They sound bitter.

-He deserves it- he replies automaticaly

-I think you've been doing too much lately. I understand you don't like him, but that's not just bullying anymore. He didn't go to school for a week because you beat him up so hard. I think it's enough. Leave him alone already. 

-Why are you defending him for fucks sake? What, are you also a faggot? You want him to blow you? Or maybe he already did?

-Be careful of your fucking words. I'm just worried about you. I think you can't handle aggression anymore and you take all your emotions out on this kid.

-Stop with that pathetic crap. He's just a disgusting faggy and he needs to be reminded of that. End of topic- says Jeon, then sips on some water with a clenched jaw

-Okay, all right. Just don't get yourself into trouble, please

The next lessons pass by calmly. Jeon tries to focus on studying. From time to time, however, he glances towards the seat where Taehyung usually sits. His place is empty. Again. And Jeongguk knows it's because of him and doesn't know why, but he feels a little bit sad about that?  Why does he keep thinking back to that break when the young Kim laid beneath him on the cold tiles of the school bathroom? Why was he still thinking about how beautiful Taehyung looked, even with that ruffled brow. He felt terribly stupid with all of this.

 After all, he's not a fucking faggot, right?

He never was, he was disgusted by people like him. He was disgusted with homosexuals. He was disgusted with abnormalities.

...

-Son, these people aren't human. They are abnormal. They are disgusting. A real man doesn't look at another man as disgustingly as they do. God abhors people like them, do you understand?-his father told him at the age of 14, when a gay couple was moving into the villa opposite.

-God abhors people who love each other? -young jeongguk asks with deer eyes

- No. God will never abhor true love. True love is between a man and a woman.

-Will God abhor me?

-Of course not, son. As long as you find a beautiful wife, God will love you, and so will I.

-Okay daddy, I will find a beautiful wife. 

...

After school, Jeon is driven home by his chauffeur. The house is empty. Mrs. Jung has already finished her work for today, so Jeon will be home alone by tomorrow morning.  Again.

About the house-it is beautiful. Really. Mrs. Jeon always had a good sense of taste, and her husband always reminded her of that. The house was both beautiful and huge. It was so big that Jeongguk as a kid often got lost among the rooms.

Jeongguk never admitted to his parents that the size of their house was killing him, but it really did. He didn't want to be ungrateful. It's just that Jeon felt overwhelmed by the vastness and the loneliness inside. He was suffocating in this place. He hated it like nothing else. He hated the marble kitchen, the huge vineyard. He hated the antique living room, 6 bathrooms, 7 bedrooms, the glamour. He hated this beauty that was surrounding him. It was overwhelming and making him sick in the stomach. He wanted to throw up. He hated everything about this house but in particular he hated his room and the fact that there was space in it for a piano. Jeongguk still remembers how much his cheek burned from the slap when he asked his father for it.

-Enough of this stupid stuff. My son will never play a piano. You should start to get more interested in law and stop with this madness. It's disgustingly gay.

Jeongguk never told him that he actually had no interest in law. That he would rather make music. That he dreams of his own studio. That he dreams of playing the piano one day.

He never told him, because he's too afraid of his own father.

Jeon enters his room. He sits down at the desk and starts his homework. As he is solving some math questions, his phone vibrates. Jeon thinks that maybe it's one of his friends. Maybe Sehun or Yoongi? He reaches for the device with a dainty smile. On the display, he sees a Kakao Talk notification from his father:

"I saw that you have an exam in the basics of law tomorrow, don't let me down"

The message is written neat and dry as always. Gguk feels sick again. At the same time his stomach growls. So he goes down to the kitchen and picks up a catering box from the refrigerator that says "Jeongguk, dinner, 556 kcal" He opens the plastic packaging and eats it cold.

There is something absurd about this scene. A wealthy boy eats some cold rice mixed with vegetables with an expression on his face as if he was going to kill someone. In the same time, he is digging his nails painfully into the skin of his temples.

...

Jeon was never really good at learning. At least not in terms of law. His father absolutely hated him for it. In his opinion, Jeon should follow in his footsteps to become someone in the future. From an early age Jeon was already under an enormous amount  of pressure. He cried over textbooks daily, trying to remember some rules. 

He was undeniably the family's black sheep. A total disappointment, a laughing stock, a walking failure. He wasn't perfect, which was exactly what his family expected of him. He had to be fit, intelligent, always neatly dressed, smart, polite, well-behaved. Jeongguk knew that he would never live up to these expectations. Law was not his cup of tea, instead he would rather sing or play the piano. But still, he didn't want to disappoint his parents anymore. So he learned paragraph after paragraph by heart till his eyes were swollen shut from the tears that he couldn't even read anymore. He was just constantly looking for a praise from his father. Really begging and whining for it.

Subconsciously he just really wanted to hear him say that he IS appreciated in this household. That he is a good kid. That he is enough. 

 But he wasn't. Never was and never could be.

That night Jeongguk cries over his books again. It's pathetic. He curses himself in his head for that. If his father saw him like this, he would say that he looks absolutely unmanly sitting there and weeping like a baby. His hands clench into fists at the mere thought.

And somewhere under the same sky lies Taehyung. He is also crying, so at least Jeongguk is not the only one today.

At least in this way he is not so lonely.

Chapter Text

tw: homophobic slurs

Taehyung spends the next three days at school hiding. He avoids Jeongguk because he OBVIOUSLY doesn't need any new wounds- the previous ones haven't even fully healed yet.

 He is actually doing pretty good at hiding so far, but as always his luck doesn't last long.

The weather outside is really nice, therefore, during the breaks, the school is being opened so that the exhausted students can, even for a moment, enjoy the beautiful Korean spring weather and breathe some fresh air. Cherry trees are blooming near the school and a nice fragrance is flowing in the air.

Taehyung also decides to go outside. It doesn't seem like a bad idea then, but after a while the boy realizes that it is his fatal mistake. When the brunette walks through the back door of the school, he notices Jeongguk by the wall straight away. He is standing there, absolutely relaxed, with his older friends - Kim recognizes them as Min Yoongi - a third grader and two fourth graders - Kim Namjoon and Park Bogum. Even then, Taehyung's stomach tightens. He feels like he's about to throw up from the sudden stress. The boy tries to quickly turn around and go back to the school unnoticed, but at this exact moment his eyes meet the pitch black pupils of Jeon Jeongguk. 

Taehyung already knows. He knows that his bruised belly won't get any more time to heal. He sees it in Jeongguk's eyes. The dark-haired man licks his lips slowly,  cracks his knuckles and begins to slowly walk towards Taehyung. 

And Taehyung? He feels as if his brain stopped working for a second and his veins suddenly didn't have any blood in them. He cannot make a single move. He just stands there like an idiot, waiting for the worst to come.

Kim even sees Min Yoongi grabbing Jeongguk's hand, trying to stop him, but Jeon lightly pulls away and quickens his pace. And when he is close enough, so that Taehyung can already feel his warm breath on his skin, Jeon says:

-Hi sunshine, we haven't seen each other for a long time, have we? I really, really missed you baby boy - These words are said in a fake-sweet tone sending shivers down Taehyung's spine. Jeongguk smiles aggressively - let's take a walk, huh? - he says, then wraps his arm around Taehyung and heads towards the corridor.

They're walking for a minute and Taehyung already feels dizzy. His head spins so fast he feels like he's about to faint. He can't take it anymore.

The bathroom door slams shut and that's when Kim's senses return to him. Jeongguk is just about to push him, when he quietly says:

-Why?-he asks, his voice trembling

-What?

-Why are you doing all of this? Why don't you just finally leave me alone. I've never had one normal day in this school. Is this really too much to ask? To have ONE NORMAL DAY at this fucking place? Why do you hate me so much Jeongguk?-He gathers his courage and for a moment, he looks Jeongguk straight in the eye. He knows that he will pay for these words in a moment, but honestly, he has absolutely nothing to lose.

-You're a faggot. A fucking homosexual. You're not normal.

-I know.

-You know? So why the fuck are you even asking?

-I've heard this so many times. That I am abnormal, hideous, disgusting. But tell me, why do you find loving someone so disgusting and abnormal?

-It is not normal. A man should love a woman, not a man. It's disgusting. 

-Do I disgust you that much? So why are you even touching me? Why don't you leave me alone? I will never disturb you, I swear. I will never come near you if you just stop hurting me- Taehyung doesn't even know where is this courage coming from. Did he really just stood up to Jeongguk for the first time?

 There is a moment of silence in the bathroom and then:

- Oh my fucking god. Does it turn you on? Do I turn you on, you faggot? Have you been hard the entire time when I was hitting you? You have been touching yourself thinking about me, haven't you? It all makes sense now. Oh fuck, this is so gross. You're so fucking gross. 

This sounds so surreal. What is this boy even saying- Taehyung thinks. How can anyone be so fucked in the head to even think of something like this? Kim's face expression perfectly describes the absolute shock in his head. He's so confused right now.

-What? Never. I would never even look at you this way. I swear. 

-What do you mean?

- I swear. You don't turn me on. Never did, and never would. -Taehyung explains, not wanting to get hit again

Just like that. And now it's Taehyung who looks puzzled. 

-What had just happened? - he says into the air, standing, now alone, in the restroom

Did he just stop Jeongguk from hurting him for the first time in 3 years? Had this really just happened? 

... 

The rest of his classes pass strangely normal. This is by far the most normal school day Taehyung has ever experienced. It feels so weird. Every now and then, during the lesson, he feels someone's eyesight on him. Jungkook's eyesight to be exact. He doesn't glance back at him as he's still afraid he'll end up bruised in the toilet anyway. 

However, this did not happen. All day long.

On that day, Taehyung returns home by bus like any other student of the school. It feels extremely weird. And extremely nice as well.

... 

He still didn't understand Jeongguk's reaction. Maybe he had a good day? Maybe he simply didn't want to get his hands dirty? Why though? These questions were flowing through Taehyung's mind until he finally fell asleep.

It's almost ironic since Jeongguk was asking himself identical questions at the same time. He also didn't understand himself. And it drove him nuts. 

Chapter Text

tw: homophobic slurs

It was already Saturday morning. Jeongguk didn't sleep a single second last night. This time it was not because he was studying economy until midnight. This time it was because of a certain brown-haired boy. This was so unbelievably weird and also a bit embarrassing for him. Honestly, he didn't even know why he was feeling all of these emotions right now. Why was he worried about this boy? It was so unlike him. He felt different and couldn't even explain his own reactions.

Why? Why didn't he beat him yesterday in that bathroom? Why did he feel guilty? But most of all, why was he disappointed that Taehyung didn't like him?

He rubs his eyes with his hands.

Fuck, I'm going crazy- he thinks.

He reaches for his phone on the bedside table, dials Yoongi's number and writes

-I really need some advice, got some time?

He didn't have to wait long for an answer

-sure, pull up :)

He knew the address too well. It took him a moment to pull himself together, change clothes and brush his teeth. Then he went to the kitchen where surprisingly he was greeted by his mom:

-Good morning Jeongguk. Slept well?

-Yeah-he lied smoothly-Are you staying home for the weekend? - He could really use some company

- I'd love to, really. But we have to go with dad to that cosmetics company. You know which one, right? It is really important. I'll make it up to you, honey, okay?

-Sure- he said, though he knew perfectly well that she wouldn't make up for it. She never really did. Well, that just means another weekend home alone. How exciting...

-Would Mr. Jung give me a ride to Yoongi's?

- Sure, no problem. In fact, he drops me and dad at the airport in a moment. We can give you a lift on the way

-Cool- Jeon smiles slightly and reaches into the refrigerator for a plastic package with his assigned breakfast

...

Yoongi's house is warm. Not only literally but also metaphorically. Jeongguk always lacked this sort of family warmth in his own home. It was everything he ever wanted.

Jeongguk was sitting on the blonde boy's bed drinking a hibiscus tea that Mrs. Min had made just for him. It was his favourite.

- What did you want to talk about? -said Yoongi shifting his full attention from the ginger cat to him

-It's really weird. I don't know what to think about all of this - says Jeongguk with a sigh - You know who Taehyung is, right? - he finally begins, after a long break

-The Taehyung you love abusing? Of course I do. 

"you love abusing"- this term sends shivers down Jungkook's spine

-What about him?-continues Yoongi

- I can't stop thinking about him- he blurts out without thinking

-Oh- exhales Yoongi

- I don't know. I feel some sort of... pity? Or something like that. I can't understand it. Don't get me wrong I still hate him with a burning passion. But then why am I sorry for him at the same time? Is it weird?- he asks unsure about what is happening inside of him

-Hmm... Maybe a little bit? It’s weird how you claim to hate him so much yet you can’t stop talking about him

These words hit Jeongguk hard. It is weird indeed. 

-He seems to never leave your mind-Yoongi continues-Actually, why are you even doing this?-he suddenly asks

-What?-asks Jungkook cunfused

-I mean, why are you beating him?

There is a moment of silence. Jeongguk doesn't know what to answer. Why is he actually doing this?

-I don't know- he says truthfully-he's gay, and my father always said that gays are gross and disgusti...

-But what do YOU think about gays?-Yoongi disturbs him

-I never thought about it. I think it must be like dad says

-Do you think Taehyung is gross? Objectively

-Why are you even asking that? I mean, I don't think so. 

- You don't think so?

-Yeah... But  I still hate him, okay? I just don't think he is ugly. He is still not worth of my respect.

-Didn't you guys used to be friends in the past though? Why did it all switch so much?

-Gosh... We were little back then. I had no understanding of such things. I didn't know that he was, you know, different?

-You mean gay?

-Yeah... If I did, we wouldn't be friends in the first place. God I can't even think about how close we used to be with each other. I wonder if he liked me then-he says with a disgusted face- And also he had a bad influence on me-he adds

-Really? Why? What did he do?

-I don't remember really, it was a long time ago. But I know our parents didn't want us to be friends anymore. I think it was for the good. 

The're both quiet for a moment after that. It's Yoongi who breaks the silence:

-Okay, maybe let's go back to the beating stuff. What do you feel when you're hurting him? What are you thinking about in that moment?

- I like to show him that I'm on top. That I am strong and he is weak. That I turned out to be better than him, that I am normal, and he is not. And i also want to show him that I'm the only one who can punish him. 

-Do you like to dominate him?

-I guess?

-Do you enjoy it?

-Yeah... I think so. Yoongi, am I a bad person?- He says quietly

-You did a lot of stupid things, but no. You're not a bad person. I know it. You're just really lost

-Why am I doing this?

- It's hard for me to say. I have the impression that it's a combination of your anger issues and the prisms instilled in you by your parents. Maybe you're also bitter about the childhood stuff? I mean you were best friends and it suddenly all ended.

There is silence for a moment. Yoongi seems to be trying to put something into words

-And you know what? I also have a feeling there is some strange sexual tension between you and him

-What?!- Jeongguk almost exclaims, his face is shocked - I'm not gay - the brunette leaps up from his seat, almost spilling his tea

-Calm down. I'm just stating the facts. You said you like to physically dominate him. Maybe you just want to bang him and that's why you vent your sexual frustration on him?

-I DON'T WANT TO BANG KIM TAEHYUNG, ARE YOU INSANE? I had so many girlfriends, I am normal, do you understand? I'm not a faggy!-he exclaims indignantly

-You really should think about it. It will do you good

-I think... I should go home now- says Jeongguk in a hurry and is already heading to the door

-You're not staying for dinner? Jeongguk, don't be mad, please...-Yoongi follows him down the corridor

-No, I really... I really have to go home. Thank your mom for the tea, see you-and he's already out of the house, with his coat in his hands, half-dressed shoes, feeling like a total mess

What the fuck was that supposed to mean. Gay? Jeon Jeongguk? A homo? And that he would like to bang Taehyung? Fuck no, no chance. He was mad at himself he had beaten him so hard, but that's it. He didn't suddenly want to fuck him in that bathroom. Absolutely ridiculous. Yoongi is out of his mind- Jeongguk thought as he walked back to his home.

Chapter Text

tw: homophobic slurs, light smut content :p

Did Jeongguk really have a sexual desire for Taehyung? No, that's out of the question. He certainly wasn't gay. 

Jeongguk had many girlfriends in his life. His relationships never were that long term though. He didn't really want nor tried to make them last. He was always more of a one-night stander. He didn't like to catch feelings. Didn't like the responsibilities of a relationship. He was always the type to give an receive pleasure and simply move on. It's just what he liked. He was satisfied with it, never looked for anything more.

He just liked to fuck. He liked to fuck girls and girls liked to be fucked by him. He liked to kiss and choke them. He loved the curves of a female body. He liked the delicate skin, soft voice, pink lips that his girls had. And most definitely he liked breasts. It was absolutely impossible for him to be attracted to the same sex - such thoughts swirled in his head on the way from Yoongi's to his own home.

He was disgusted with Taehyung. Yes. Exactly. A man cannot think of another man that way. It is abnormal- such thoughts accompanied him as he entered his home. He was alone, again. As usual. He wasn't even surprised this time. After locking the front door, he quickly locked himself in his bedroom. He changed into some comfortable clothes, laid down on the bed and began to think about everything Yoongi had told him.

First of all: why did their friendship end? 

Not everything Jeongguk said was true after all. It was traumatic for him, especially as a young boy, to suddenly lose his best friend. He loved him, platonically of course. They were always so close with each other that young Jeongguk really thought they were soulmates or even twin flames. He believed that they were carved by God specifically to be best friends. They had so much in common. The same sense of humor, the same passions. They were both always so motivated and ambitious. They were so sweet.

-Ggukie, look, I made it just for you!-said the young brown haired boy with a big smile on his face

-What is that?-said little Jungkook with deer eyes

-They are friendship bracelets! This one's for you-he says and gives the other a baby blue bracelet made with beads

-"Taetae"?-reads Jungkook out of the jewelry piece in his small hands

-It's what you always call me! Look, mine says "Kookie". It's so we would always remember about each other- says Taehyung with sparks in his eyes-Isn't it cute?

-It is. Thank you-says the other and leans in for a hug 

It's so pure. Two adorable children hugging each other with happy tears in their eyes. 

-We will always be friends, right Taetae?-he asks, still hugging the smaller one tight, their skin touching, the subtle floral scent of Taehyung's fabric softener in his nose

-Of course-Taehyung moves his head back a little, their eyes meeting for a split second. It's so natural for little Kim to lean a little closer to the other boy. It's also so natural for him to give him a small peck on the cheek. Just to show him that what he said was true and that he would keep his promise. The kiss lasts, maybe, a second? It's nothing much. It's also not the first time they had such an encounter in the past. They were pretty affectionate with each other, giving small pecks here and there, it felt normal and something that good friends do. It never was nothing romantic though. It just felt good and it made their bond even stronger. After all, they were still kids. 

When they break apart from the hug Jeongguk sees his father at the kindergarten door. He smiles and waves at him, but he doesn't smile back. It feels weird. Something is not right. Did he do something wrong? Was he not polite enough? Did the kindergarten teacher say something bad about him? Wasn't he well behaved today?

-Jungkook let's go to the car. Now-his voice is sharp. Oh no. Jungkook must have did something really wrong but he can't really think of anything specific. It scares him.

The small boy stands up from the carpet with a city print on it. He blurts a small "bye" to Taehyung and he's already on his way to his father. After putting on a jacket and shoes they are gone from the kindergarten. He is so worried. What did he possibly do to make his father so angry at him?

Just after closing the car door his father says:

-Why did he kiss you, Jeongguk?

-Is this why you are so upset, daddy? Isn't it what friends do?

-No it's not, my son.  Kissing is reserved for couples only. You know, for a boy and a girl. Friends shouldn't kiss each other, even on the cheek. You're boys after all. It is very wrong for boys to kiss.  I know you didn't mean it, that's why I'm not mad at you. But I am mad at Taehyung. You can't be friends with him. 

-What?-he shrieks, voice trembling

-You heard me Jungkook. Taehyung is a bad influence on you. You know what I told you about God and abnormalities. I told you that boys cant love other boys because it's gross and not normal. I think Taehyung is such an abnormality. God abhors him. You know I really care about you, right Ggukie? I don't want God to hate you too, okay? Taehyung is evil. He used you today, that's it. He is not a good person and he wants you to turn to the evil side as well. But you are daddy's boy, right? You won't disappoint God, like a good boy you are. I know I taught you so well and that you are wise. I know you will choose God over that disgraceful child. This is the right thing to do, my son. I know it will hurt but this is an important decision for you to make. You have to decide yourself, I won't make this decision for you, but you're a smart child, I know you will do good. So... what do you say?

-But dad... He's my best friend-he whines out, tears rolling down his cheeks-I will miss him so much

-I know, I know- he comforts the smaller one stroking his hair- But this is a sacrifice you have to do. For God. And for yourself.

-O-okay daddy. 'M sorry... So sorry I'm not going to be friends with Taetae anymore. I don't want God to hate me -he cries out nose already stuffed

-That's right Ggukie. Daddy is so proud of you-His father sends him a satisfied grin- Wanna go to McDonald's? You deserve it baby

He simply nods. They drive out of the parking lot and that's when Jeongguk removes the blue bracelet from his wrist and puts it in his back pocket. He doesn't want to upset his father anymore. 

And then they were cut off from each other. Just like that. It was the right thing to do. It really was. Jeongguk knew it. But it still sting a little. He liked this kid so much. He really did.

Then why did it all change so much? 

It was so confusing, because Taehyung was always nothing but kind to him. It never changed, even when the next day Jeongguk went into the kindergarten in his blue overalls and didn't talk to Taehyung for the entire day. In didn't change when Jungkook ignored him for 2 weeks straight. He was nothing but kind to him even after he told him he doesn't want to be friends anymore

-Kookie why are we not playing with each other anymore? Why are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?-Taehyung asks with tears glittering in his eyes

-Don't talk to me Taehyung. We can't be friends anymore-he exclaims in response

-Oh...O-okay. If that's what you want. I'm really sorry- he says and runs away with tears flowing down his cheeks

He still was so kind and understanding to him. 

Then why did Jeongguk have such a strong hatred towards him? 

This was so much for Jeon to think about. He was trying to understand it all so hard, he didn't even realize when he started falling asleep.

...

It is Sunday, 9 o'clock when Jeongguk finally wakes up from his long nap. When he fully opens his sleepy eyes and comes back to his consciousness he sees a problem. The problem is in his pants. Yes, he just woke up with a raging boner in his sweatpants. 

It is normal. Obviously it is. He knows it. But it's still a little bit embarrassing. It feels so weird to not have control over your own body part.  

He sighs. Well, he has to do something, right?

So Jeongguk's hand snakes down his body. The movement is delicate, almost as if he wanted to tease himself. He then unties the string in his tracksuits. 

It usually takes Jeon a few minutes to cum. He always imagined someone being by his side, touching him intimately. It is no different this time. He's lying there with his legs bent and his bony hand, sunk somewhere in his own underwear. 

His thoughts are blurry. He can't really recognize at first who he's thinking about. But he can clearly see their long dainty fingers.  He swears he can actually feel those fingers wrapping around his cock just from the mere thought. It feels good. 

It feels so good, he doesn't even realize that he starts thinking about someone very specific at this moment. That he shamelessly imagines some specific rosy lips around his dick. His thoughts automatically go to one specific person.

He knows who he is. 

 It is in fact Taehyung in his mind right now. It's no one else, just him. It's his caramel skin color, slightly sculpted belly, long brown hair cut into a mullet. And mostly, it's his pretty face that is present in Jeongguk's imagination in this moment. And he is so aroused by it, he can't even think straight. He can't stop now. He's too consumed with his own pleasure to even think about anything else. So he lays there, legs trembling, with an slightly open mouth. 

He feels that he's really close. Indeed, after a few final wrist movements he is cumming in his own underwear groaning a shy little  

"Oh Tae"

Oh God. 

It doesn't take him even a second to get back to reality and understand what just happened. He realizes immediately, with horror, that he has just been touching himself thinking about... another boy? And not just any boy, but about Kim fucking Taehyung, whom he have been friends in the past but turned out to be a little faggot.

-Fuck, what have you done- he whispers under his breath heading to the bathroom wanting to clean himself up

He denies everything straight away. It's not like that. It's not that the thought of him turned him on. He has been turned on before, right? It was a normal human reaction. He had a boner, he had to deal with it. And he did. He's been too preoccupied lately with thinking about this boy that it just slipped into his head. He's just too overwhelmed with this whole situation.He thinks too much and that's why Taehyung burst into his mind. It wasn't on purpose. And it definitely wasn't that pleasant after all. Taehyung wasn't ugly but he was definitely not as cute as all the big-breasted girls Jeongguk used to fuck. He's just been thinking too much about him lately. That's why he randomly popped into his head while he was cumming. It's not gay at all. He wasn't a fucking faggy. He's just too sexually frustrated his mind went blank. 

That's it. That's exactly it. 

He needs to fuck someone. He needs to fuck some girl till his mind is back to normal. 

Because Yoongi was definitely wrong. Jeongguk doesn't want to bang Kim Taehyung. That's out of the question.

Chapter Text

The next few days are really strange for Taehyung. It feels really weird to leave school without any new bruises or scars. Is this how a normal high school experience feels like?

Taehyung can't get used to it. It's so ironic. He always wanted that. He wanted to have some peaceful days without being kicked in the face or belly. And now that he finally got what he begged for, for such a long time he feels weird.

Over time, Kim begins to experience a strange new feeling. It's some kind of emptiness? Longing? What is wrong with him? 

 This whole thing is so bizarre  looking at the course of the whole situation, but Taehyung becomes aware that he misses the attention. 

He misses the attention he received from Jeongguk. Even though it hurt so much he still missed it. The moment when Jeongguk was kicking or slapping him in the toilet, Taehyung felt worth something. He was worth someone's attention. Jeongguk was focused just on him for a bit. It was so weird. He shouldn't be feeling this way. He should be happy that he's finally free from his oppressor. But he wasn't, even though he tried. He couldn't be fully happy because instead of feeling freedom he felt guilt. He felt empty. Like something important was missing in him.

He felt so worthless now. And absolutely invisible.

Taehyung didn't really have any friends in high school. It's not surprising considering the fact that everyone was afraid that they will repeat his fate with Jeongguk and the school's restroom in the main role. Nobody wanted to take so much risk. So Taehyung was alone most of the time. He only had Jisoo-his only friend. But Jisoo was not his exclusivity. She was really kind and pretty so it's no surprise she had many friends. 

But Taehyung had only her (and Jeongguk) so when one of his two main sources of attention suddenly disappeared, he felt as if he was also disappearing.

He left him. Again. Although this time he at least knows why, it still hurt the same.

It's his fault. Again.

Little Taehyung  sees Jungkook leave the kindergarten with his father. He smiles at them. He smiles even when they are not in sight anymore. He is overjoyed with the fact that he has an actual, real friend.

It's so sad that he didn't know that this was the beginning of the end. That this would be his last memory with Jeongguk as his best friend. That from now on everything will change. That Jeongguk will switch from a sweet and kind boy into a cold-hearted monster. And even if someone would spill it out to Taehyung in that moment he would never believe. But yet he got to experience it himself.

The next day at the kindergarten started like usual. Everything seemed normal when Taehyung woke up in his bed with Iron Man sheets. It was all normal when he ate jolly pong cereal. The car ride was also pretty normal. 

What wasn't normal was the face that Jeongguk made when the little Kim waved at him at the door. Why did he look so ... disgusted? It was unusual of him.

Taehyung tried not to think much of it and simply walked towards him with a smile. What a shock it was when Gguk didn't smile at him back but instead turned around and started playing with Sungyu. Taehyung still decided to sit down next to them and when he did and said "hey", Jungkook stood up and left. 

He left him there. Lost and confused. 

Tears sparkled in Taehyung's eyes immediately. It really sting him in the heart that Jeongguk, his Jeongguk didn't want to talk to him, but it's okay. Kookie is mad about something but he will get over it, right? He has the right to be upset, whatever the reason is. Tae can play with others for now. What else could he possibly do? 

It will be okay. Tomorrow will be better, right?-he thought naively

But tomorrow wasn't better. It was far worse, actually. Jungkook didn't talk to him at all. He didn't acknowledge his presence and was ignoring him to that extent, little Taehyung thought he was literally invisible. That he disappeared from the planet overnight. That he has turned into cosmic dust and that he just flew in the air.

What was wrong?

-Kookie why are we not playing with each other anymore? Why are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?-he decided to ask after a week or so, he couldn't take it anymore. He could not bear the lack of attention from Jeongguk

-Don't talk to me Taehyung. We can't be friends anymore-said the other in response

The world collapsed in that moment. 

What? 

What does he mean?

They can't be friends anymore?

Why? 

When did he screw up so much?

It was all his fault. It definitely was. He was the only one to blame, whatever did he do. It's not Jeongguk. It's Taehyung, who is the problem. 

-Oh...O-okay. If that's what you want. I'm really sorry- he said and run away with tears flowing down his cheeks

This was the first betrayal Taehyung ever experienced. This was the first time he was disappointed with the person closest to him.

This was also his first ever heartbreak.

Jeongguk was a very sweet child. He was so kind-hearted it seemed weird at times. He was the type of boy to bring everyone cookies that he had baked with his mom at home. He was the type of person to collect flowers and give them around. He even collected worms after the rain and put them in a jar so that they wouldn't be crushed to death by passersby and when the ground was finally dry he put them back on the grass. He always said "please" and "thank you". He was so polite and unbelievably kind. 

And he was also so, so pretty. He had a beautiful face, long eyelashes, pinkish lips and those beautiful chocolate eyes. Taehyung always admired him when he wasn't looking. 

Jeongguk was like a long summer. Warm and beautiful. The kind of summer you wish would never end. He was literally so easy to fall in love with. So it's no surprise Taehyung fell for him. He fell hard and deep. He was drowning in the feeling. But the feeling was so good he wanted to drown forever. He wanted to drink up every drop of this feeling. He wanted to inhale this perfect aroma. He wanted to have Jungkook forever. Looking back it was so selfish of him, wasn't it? He wanted someone so perfect only for himself? He wanted to be happy and he needed Jungkook to become happy.

Without him, he was nothing. He was like ash after a fire. Like a broken glass bottle. Not useful anymore. He was worthless and invisible. 

Taehyung felt his value evaporate with every bruise that faded.

He wanted it back. He wanted to be used again so he can feel important for a minute or so. 

Jeongguk went into the classroom a minute later. He was running his hands through his hair when he spotted Taehyung. 

Oh.

Taehyung looks different-he thought to himself

Then Jeon sat down in his seat, and soon the lesson began. It was one of the boring ones. Jeongguk didn't really listen to the teacher. He took some notes but his attention was constantly switching to Tae's desk. Well it's been like that for a few days now actually. Jeongguk started to observe closely the other boy since THAT day. Since the day he was jerking off with Taehyung in his mind. It wasn't his intention but he just couldn't stop staring at him. It was as if he was trying to spot any flaws on Kim's face. As if he wanted to convince himself that he would never be turned on by the sight of Taehyung.

Especially today Jeongguk couldn't take his eyes of Taehyung. He looked so captivating. And if it wasn't bad enough his eyes automatically made their way to Kim's lips. And it brought back memories. It brought the imaginary thought of those lips around Jeongguk's length. The fingers wrapped around a pen also brought back some obscene memories.

The mere mention made Jungkook feel strange in the stomach. He really fucking needs to bang some chick or he will go insane. 

Chapter Text

tw: straight sex and some bad smut content....

It was finally Saturday again. Jeongguk thought that day would never come. He really needed to de-stress a bit. The party at Sehun's was absolutely perfect for it. 

 House parties were actually really common in his high school. Jeon was often invited (as a popular kid he was), but he rarely came. It's not that he didn't want to go. After all he was just a normal teenager and he wanted to do stuff normal teenagers did. But he didn't have time for something like that. He only had time to study law and train at the gym. But this time he had to go, no matter what. No matter how much his dad would be disappointed. 

Tomorrow he'll take care of school matters. Today the only thing he has to care of is his dick.

It was already about 7 pm when Jeongguk started getting ready. He had been lying in bed all day watching some k-drama. He didn't feel like doing anything, especially not anything productive. But while he deserved to relax for once, he could still feel the guilt build up in his stomach. It felt as if he had no right not to be in a constant rush. Despite the fact that his muscles still ached from his previous training, and he still had a paragraph from the penal code carved on his tongue, he felt as if today he should spend another night chasing his father's dreams. He tried not to care and just started preparing for the night. 

Mr's Jung dropped him off at Sehun's at 8:20. The party was in full swing when he arrived. As he went inside, he was greeted by bodies rubbing against each other, some ear-irritating music and the stench of blueberry-flavored cigarettes mixed with sex. Gosh, he almost forgot what it was like. 

Squeezing between the dancing people, he sees Namjoon and Yoongi at the kitchen counter. He manages to approach them:

-Well, well.  Look who we got here!-laughs Namjoon-Jeongguk finally made it! I didn't think I'd ever live to see you come to a party with us. But yet, here you are, surprising me as always.

-Yeah, yeah nice to see you too-rolls his eyes Jeongguk

-We should take some shots to celebrate your presence Gguk. What do you guys say?-asks Yoongi

They all agree. 

The alcohol tastes bitter on Jeongguk's tongue causing him to make an ugly face. His throat burns for a second but he tries not to focus on that feeling. They take 2 more shots of straight vodka washing it down with some orange juice. Jeongguk hates the taste but he ain't no pussy to say it out loud.

-Guys, wanna smoke some weed? It's on me today, I got some great fucking stuff-says Namjoon shaking a joint in front of their eyes

-Don't even need to ask-smirks Yoongi-Jeongguk, you coming?

-Sure

They go on a terrace.  There's a smell of barbecue in the air. There's a lot of people sitting down at some garden chair's. Some are eating, some are talking and some are smoking. 

Namjoon leads them to an empty table where they sit down. There's a characteristic "tsch" sound when Joon lights up the joint and takes a long puff of it. He exhales slowly tilting his head back:

-Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about-he says in a ecstatic way

-Okay, okay we get it, pass it on-demands Jeongguk

-Why such a hurry? We have the whole night-Joon comments with an arrogant smile but passes him the blunt

-I got things to do-he replies while taking a puff

Damn it is indeed some great stuff. The smoke scratches his throat painfully but it is worth it. One puff is enough to make Jungkook feel as if he was flying. His whole skin starts tingling in a familiar way. Maybe it's the mix of alcohol and the weed what makes such a good job but Jeongguk doesn't take time to think about it.  

-Things to do such as?-asks Yoongi taking the joint from Jeon's hands

-Such as having my dick sucked-he says pointing at his crotch area with a nonchalant smile

-Oh, I see. Then get on with it, king-he laughs out loud

Jeongguk takes three more puffs and is on his way to find today's victim. It doesn't really take him long because as he's going inside a pretty girl approaches him:

-Hi, you're Jungkook right?-she asks 

-Yes indeed, and you are?-he smiles at her

-Park Sooyoung, but you can call me Joy. Wanna drink something?

He nods in response. Damn why is this SO easy?

They take some more shots and Jeongguk already feels dizzy.  He feels his head swirling, every muscle of his body relaxing. It's so refreshing. After so many days of his body tensed up it feels so good to finally let go of the pressure.

Joy is really attractive. Jeongguk has to admit. Their conversation is flirtatious from the very beginning. They are both definitely interested in each other. It's undeniable. There's so much sexual tension flowing in the air right now together with provocative pick-up lines and seducing smiles. Jeongguk licks his lips lasciviously. 

-Wanna dance?-he asks running his hands through his hair

-Sure- responds the girl biting her lip

They move to the living room where everyone's dancing. Jeongguk puts confidently his hand on the girls waist and turns her around. They mold into each other and start moving to the beat. It's suddenly all so intimate. Sooyoung is now turned backwards to Jeon. Her ass is literally touching Jeon's crouch. Her hands are wrapped around his neck. The music makes both of them feel dizzy and light. Jeon throws his head back a little and closes his eyes. The neon lights are messing with his head. He feels as if he had no physical form and was just flowing with the rythm of the song. Joy's feminine perfume fills all his senses. It's just him and her on this dance floor now. He can't seem to notice anyone around him. He's too consumed in the moment. 

He doesn't even realize when Sooyoung's hands are no longer present on his neck. He suddenly feels the girl grab him by the hand and lead him towards somewhere. He just lets her guide. He knows damn well where this is all going.  It's clear as day. He smiles to himself.

They are going upstairs. She wants him. He wants her too but something is stopping him. Jungkook feels so lethargic and drowsy. His senses feel lazy. He can't seem to stay excited about the fact that very, very soon he will have fuck this beautiful, black haired girl.

The door slams shut. Jeongguk's senses come back to him and he suddenly feels sober again. That's when he connects his and Joy's lips together. They start kissing. It's needy and rough. Harsh and passionate. Jeongguk kisses her hard, trying to show all of him in this one moment. He holds the girl tight, one hand on her lower back, pressing her small frame to his own body. The other hand finds its way to her chin where he raises the girls head up a little. 

They kiss for some time. But after a while it ceases to be enough for Joy. The girl starts to leave small kisses on Jungkook's jawline wandering with her hands to the zipper of his pants. She's just about to unzip it when Jeongguk notices something really worrying.  

Oh fuck, he's not hard. 

There's no time to think in this moment. He has to act quick. He grabs the girl by hands tightly, and when he sees her shocked and scared face he says:

-No baby girl. Today I will take care of you, okay?-He tries to sound convincing and not frightened at all

It seems to work because the girl puts a satisfied grin on her face and nods her head. Jeongguk may be a good liar, but his insides are burning with panic right now. Fuck. Shit. What was going on? Why isn't he hard yet? What the fuck?

He can't think about it now, because he has a pretty girl that needs to be taken care of in front of his eyes. So he pushes the girl on the bed and when she falls the sheets rustle a little. He then kisses her again but this time not on the lips but under her ear making his way to her neck where he places a couple of more kisses. He licks the skin from the bottom of her neck, stopping just under her ear again before he starts sucking the skin there. He leaves a red, beautiful,  and slightly shiny from saliva mark. It's a pretty little reminder of him temporarily tattooed on her flawless skin.

The girl looks him deep in the eye and it makes him go even further. He unzips her dress and helps her take it off elegantly. The piece of clothing finds his way on the dark oak floor. 

She doesn't have a bra on. This discovery makes Jeongguk gasp a little. He stands straight for a moment and gives the girl a smirk. He begins to run his finger over her almost naked body. She's so pretty, truly. The moonlight perfectly illuminates her body showing all of her beautiful curves. Her skin glistens as if it has been sprinkled with glowing cosmic dust. As if she had a hundred stars embedded in her body. Goosebumps appear on Joy as Jeon's cold finger brushes past her stomach. He likes the feeling of it. He likes to have a real impact on someone, he loves to be in control.

After stroking her smooth skin, Jeon decides to caress her breasts a little. They're also so, so pretty. He could touch them for hours. But he can't, because the girl sitting in front of him seems to be really impatient. She sits there and blinks her eyes excitedly. Jeongguk pushes her torso against the mattress. He bends down and takes place between her bent, long legs. He then takes the piece of cloth on her panties between his teeth and pulls them down temptingly. He takes a glance at her pussy and blows on it:

-So pretty- he compliments

He then makes his way back to her needy, slightly swollen lips. He dominates in the kiss, doesn't even need to use his hands to hold her face in place anymore. He now lies centrally over, with his hands holding onto the mattress. He mingles his tongue with hers as she starts slightly humming in response.  She tries to catch up so hard, greedily taking more of his lips.

-Jungkook-he hears her light voice

-Yes, sweetheart?-his voice sounds melodic 

There's a moment of silence after it

-What is it? Tell me baby-he continues in a challenging way

-Touch me, please-she whines out

He loves it. He loves to put people in such a state. He loves to turn girls into needy little whores. Begging him for a part of him. This is what he wanted from the very beginning. He felt satisfied.

-Of course sweetie-he whispers 

Jungkook starts to kiss her pussy delicately. Licks a long stripe of her skin tasting her for the first time. She moans shamelessly taken off guard. He doesn't stop there but proceeds to enter her with his tongue. She starts gasping. He repeats his action and that's when she arches her spine and grips his hair tightly. He slowly licks her again and adds his fingers. His fingers quicken on their pace when he finds her sensitive spot. She groans at it. He strokes her clit with his tongue for some time while he's also brushing past her favourite spot with his fingers. He decides to suck on the clit and this is it. This makes Joy see stars. Her dark eyes roll to the back of her head. She then screams a loud "Fuck Gguk!" as she's cumming holding Jeon's fingers tightly with her walls. He pulls his fingers out of her, licks them clean in a lustful way. Then he kisses her one more time making her taste herself a bit. This kiss is really lazy and slow. There's no need to rush now. After the kiss Jeongguk pulls away with lips glistening with saliva. He straightens up and that's when he hears a soft:

-What about you?

-I can handle it myself sweetheart-he winks at her and smiles lightly

-You sure? I can help you, if you want me to

-This was all about you today. Don't feel obligated to pay me a favor. I had a great time eating you out, okay?

She nods as he gives her her clothes back. Doesn't even wait for her to get dressed when he leaves the room trying not to show his panic.

Because Jeongguk thought that after all of that he would be at least a little hard. But he wasn't and it felt so horrible he wanted to rip his insides out.

He was going maniacally down the staircase straight to Kim Namjoon.

-What did you add to that fucking weed you shithead?-his voice was sharp and agresive

-Woah, man, take it easy. What's wrong?-Asks Namjoon confused

-I'm asking what was in that joint you moron. Now I can't even keep my dick hard

The other one bursts out laughing

-Oh God was she really THAT ugly? Who did you try to fuck you stinker?

-Park fucking Sooyoung- he said frustrated

-Man... You're a fucking loser, I swear

-Oh fuck yourself, I'm outta here- he exclaims and walks out of the door absolutely pissed of. 

Fucking shit. That was supposed to be a night like the old times. He was supposed to fuck some girl so hard his dick would be sore. Not eat her out while his cock was still fucking soft. This was the worst decision ever to come here.

He called a cab the same minute he left the house. It was still loud, even outside. Muffled voices and music made Jengguk lose his mind. He loses control over himself and out of anger starts kicking a metal garbage till there's a dent in it. This all went so fucking wrong in so many aspects. What was wrong with him? Was he not a man anymore? Joy was hot and had nice tits. Why didn't he get hard by it? Screw all of this. Screw this whole fucking party. It's all because of that stupid Taehyung. If he didn't talk back at the restroom that day nothing would have changed. He wouldn't have felt such guilt in his stomach, he wouldn't have started overthinking his life and everything would be as usual. 

Fuck this was so embarrassing. Jeongguk wanted to burn with shame. 

The cab soon arrived. Jeongguk was never this glad in his life. He got in it and wanted to forget about everything that had happened this night. When he finally got home, he took a quick shower, trying not to admit to his own cock. It was the first time he was so ashamed. Something was terribly wrong with him and he didn't even want to think about it. 

Chapter Text

tw: smut, graphic descriptions of domestic violence, homophobic slurs

Taehyung still was in his switched-up persona. He felt like he dissociated from his original form. He still felt so unbelievably worthless and invisible. He wanted attention so badly. It was tearing him apart from the inside. He wanted to feel something again. Anything, whatever it was. Wanted to feel important. Needed validation. 

That's why he went to a gay club in downtown Seoul on Saturday. He dressed in his best clothes, even put on shiny makeup and left the house tiptoeing so even his mother couldn't hear him. 

The club was stuffy and muggy. There were purple LEDs on all of the walls, even pretty neon lights above the bar. The music was loud and overwhelming. There was the aura of sex in the air. Taehyung stepped in and put on his new character. He looked absolutely stunning and so tempting at the same time. He was wearing a streamlined silk shirt with white pearls sewn on it. His collarbone was exposed, glistening from some holographic highlighter. Even his eyes changed colour, thanks to eye contacts. This was the new Taehyung. This Taehyung was sexy and vulgar. He liked it. He felt worthy to be looked at. 

And he indeed was looked at.

The second he entered the club and got used to the loud music they spotted each other. There was someone sitting by the bar on a high metal stool. They almost immediately made eye contact and Taehyung smiled flirtatiously at the stranger. He had straight brown hair and a pretty face. 

God was he handsome-Kim thought.

He went straight to the bar and sat right beside the other man. Even from the distance that was between them, he could still smell the scent of his cologne.

-Hi cutie. Never seen you here before, what's your name?- asked the other man straight away

Taehyung grinned in an alluring way

-Taehyung, you?-he answered, his voice melodic

-Junhui, but call me Jun tonight-he winked at him and licked his lips-what can I get you, doll?

The phrase "doll" made Tae gasp on air a bit. Oh, it felt so good to be called that. 

-Pornstar martini?-he asked stressing the word "pornstar"

-2 pornstar martinis then-said the other to the bartender

-Sooo... You're a pornstar I guess?-Jun was talking to Tae again

-No, I'm not

-Ahhh-he sighed-What a shame- he pouted and made sad eyes

-Why?-asked Tae with a curious face

-I really wished I could see your pretty little face ruined-this comment is so obscene and provocative

The air surrounding them tenses up immediately. Suddenly it's so heated that Taehyung feels his cheeks burn a little. His legs start to shiver and he's so grateful for the marble bar counter that it hides them. Fuck, this man is so good with his mouth, truly. 

-Is that so?- he asks with his voice all seductive and raspy

-Yeah-Jun blurts out in one breath

Taehyung looks him straight in the eye and licks his lips salaciously

-Well, maybe you'll have a chance to ruin this pretty little face later, what do you say?-it's so titillating to say these words

-I'd love to, baby-he answers as if in a trance

The atmosphere is lewd and smutty, Taehyung can feel his skin tingle and butterflies in his stomach. He's so horny now, he could probably fuck this man here and now if he had a chance but he knows that the best play is foreplay. So he plays along. He wants Jun to wait so long his hard, pulsating cock will be sore. He enjoyed the show knowing that he was now playing the lead role. He loved to play with fire, even if it meant he could burn himself. It was worth the risk. He finally felt needed - something he had been looking for for so long.

Because even if he loved to be controlled, he also adored being in control.

The bartender handed them their drinks. Taehyung took a sip in the most provocative way he could. A few drops of the yellow liquid ran down his chin up to his neck. Then he rubbed the trickle with his index finger, looking the other boy straight in the eyes and licking it off alluringly.

They drink some more and Taehyung is starting to get quite tipsy. He wouldn't call himself drunk, after all, they ordered only a few cocktails. It would be hard to get drunk on something like that. But his tongue loosens up a bit, he feels relaxed even. 

That's where his courage comes from. They moved to a black velour sofa about an hour ago. There are people dancing in front of them when Taehyung is the one to finally make the first move:

-I want you, now - he whispers to the other man in the ear in a suggestive tone

-Oh yeah?-Jun chuckles with goosebumps on his skin

-Yeah

-How about we go to the bathroom then, baby?

-Yes, please-he whines out

Fuck, he sounds so needy now. He would probably be ashamed if it wasn't for those circumstances. He doesn't care. He just really needs someone to fill up the void in him. He is able to desecrate himself to stop feeling so empty for a moment.

They find their way to the restroom really quickly. It's pretty inside. There are white tiles all in pretty graffiti and the same purple LED lights as in the whole club. Fortunately, there's no one inside now, but Taehyung thinks it would make no difference. They both go to the last cabin and when the door closes Jun is the first one to make a move. They kiss for a minute or two. And when drool is already making it down Tahyung's chin he is being turned around, so he's facing the wall right now, bent, with his hands on it. Jun makes his way to Kim's belt and undoes it with ease. He takes Tae's pants down to the mid-thigh level, just so his pretty, lacy lingerie is showing 

-Came prepared, have you? Oh god I want to destroy you, baby

Taehyung whimpers are sheepish. Oh god, how can someone be so good with their words? 

-But I'm only gonna finger you tonight. That's what you get for making me wait so long. You like being such a brat right? Making me wait to fuck you for 2 hours with my dick throbbing in my pants. That's what you wanted, admit it

Taehyung murmurs a shy "mhmm" in response

-Then this will be your punishment-says Jun putting his fingers in Tae's mouth-wet them

The boy licks his fingers vigorously and when Jun takes them out he puts them at his entrance. He enters with one finger his other hand finding its place at Tae's waist. The smaller boy gasps for air at the sudden feeling. Jun stretches him for some time, then adds another finger.

-God, you're so tight, relax for me, okay?

Jun adds one more finger and Taehyung moans at it shamelessly.

-F-fuck, right there- his voice breaks, he sounds so weak and vulnerable now

Sadly Jun can't see Tae's face now, because he's still turned backwards. He is drifting in pleasure now. He can't focus his thoughts on anything other than those 3 fingers inside of him now. It's only so little that can drive him to the verge of his desires. He loves the feeling of those long fingers stroking his g-spot. He lets out a string of moans, and turns into a mess, with his mouth open, eyes blurry, and hands clenched in fists. Drops of sweat appear on his forehead. It would only take him a few more minutes of this type of stimulation to cum. He's just so desperate today. Of course, he would prefer that there would be something bigger in him now but it's enough as it is. The fingers in him move at a fast pace and it makes him gasp for air. He already feels the orgasm on his lips, he is so close to it, chasing it with his unstable breaths:

-I'm gonna cum-he moans out and that's when the fingers leave his ass

Taehyung even whines out at the loss of particles in him. God, why did he stop?

-You can't cum-says Jun in a demanding tone

Why?-Taehyung wants to ask but that's when he's being turned around again and put on his knees. Pure shock appears on his face. Junhui looks at him with a smirk and unbuttons his pants. That's when it hits him. His big eyes glimmer. So that's how you want to play? Okay, that's fine with him. The standing boy puts down his pants and underwear and says:

-Take it in like a good slut, your are-his voice is sharp and dominant-All in. I want to see you choke on it, understood?

Taehyung nods his head. Damn, yes he wants to choke on it. He wants to give this man the pleasure of his lifetime, even if it meant sacrificing himself for it. It's what he is the best in. He feels so important now.  It's his main role now. The stage is his. 

-Say it baby-demands Jun-say you want to suck my cock so much 

-Yes. Please, I want to-he whines out 

-So needy for it now. Such a pretty little whore-says the man with a satisfied grin on his face-Tongue out

And Taehyung does exactly as the other told him to. He takes the penis in his hands and puts out his tongue. He then proceeds to lick the base of it managing to keep eye contact with Jun. He licks the whole length adding hand motions. He then spits on it and distributes the saliva with his hands using it as a lubricant. He then puts the dick inside his mouth. It doesn't fit all in, so he's working with his hands at the bottom of it.  He sucks on it moving his head in an up-and-down motion licking the tip from time to time. 

The other boy groans. He throws his head back revealing his neck. That turns Tae even more on. His untouched cock twitches a bit right now. He touches himself while also working on the length of Jun. 

His eyes flicker when he receives a strong slap on the cheek. He feels it burn.

-Look at me, baby

He does it straight away. His eyes meeting the black pupils of the brunette.

-That's right, you're so pretty like this

Taehyung whimpers at the praise he just got. It fills his guts with warmth. He continues his head movements when he feels big hands on the back of his head. The sensation of his hair being pulled makes him tremble with arousal. Jun imposes a faster pace on him, making him take more and more. He even gags a little trying to relax his throat. He holds his breath and tears sparkle in his eyes. He even tries coughing but it's muffled by the dick in his mouth. His hands find their way to Jun's thighs grabbing them frantically. 

-Oh fuck, I'm so close- groans Jun

It takes a few more strokes for him to cum. Tae moves his head back a little managing to take most of the cum on his tongue, the rest landing on his face. He closes his eyes automatically and when Jun's done he opens them again, swallows the liquid and licks off the tip of the other man's penis. He blinks his eyes and smiles with satisfaction. The other man puts on his pants again with a satisfied grin. 

And then Jun slaps him in the face again. Looking at the red mark on Taehyung's left cheek he says:

-We should do it again sometime, don't you think? I could fuck your pretty face every day. Next time I will make you come so hard, Tae- he smiles in a flirtatious way-You can take care of yourself now

He bents down and kisses Tae on the forehead, turns around and leaves the cabin. 

He closes the door behind him and he's gone. And Taehyung is left there, on the floor.  Half-naked and alone. With a load of sperm still running down his face. 

God, that was intense-he thinks. He puts his pants back on and wipes his face with some toilet paper. He leaves the cabin and looks at himself in the mirror. He looks like a total mess. His lipstick was smudged, and mascara running down his face. And when he washes himself under the sink the realization hits him. 

When he realizes it's over he feels himself break apart. He suddenly feels worthless again. It felt good in the act but now he feels used and dirty.  He's such a putrid wreck. His insides are rotten with sin. He wants to rip his guts out and clean them under running water. He calls for an Uber straight away. He wants to be home. Now. 

It felt so good then, why did it feel so bad now? Why was he so guilty all of the sudden?

When he is sitting in the Uber he feels sick to his stomach. It feels like his mouth is filling up with blood. Feels like he's about to choke on it. That the butterflies in his stomach were carrion. Dead and decaying. He feels maggots crawling inside of him. He clenches his teeth so the ugliness couldn't escape.

He leaves the car 15 minutes later. It is 2 am as he stands for a second at the front door of his house. His father's car is parked in the driveway. His skin itches from panic. His hands start shaking uncontrollably. His father was home. It was loud and clear.

He began to breathe shallowly as he put the key into the lock. He couldn't even put it in multiple times with terror. He finally managed to open the lock after many tries. He held his breath and quietly stepped inside, praying to all of the Gods that his father would be already asleep and snoring. 

But the Gods didn't listen to him. Instead of in his bed, his father was standing by the door. He looked him straight in the eyes with a mocking smile.

-Surprise, Taehyung-his tone was unbelievably cold, full of contempt

- Um... I, I didn't want to wake you u...- his father interrupted him in the middle of the sentence with a slap

-Who's been fucking you today, huh?-another slap in the face

A grimace of pain appears on Tae's face. That night his cheek hurts once again.

-Dad, please-he whines out

This time the punch is from the fist to the stomach. Taehyung doubles over in pain and holds onto his abdomen.

-Don't call me your father, I would never have begotten something like this- After saying those words, he kicks Taehyung in the tibia, which makes the young one fall down on his knees with a loud thud

-You had a good time? He fucked you good? - with every word he says, he kicks the already lying boy in the stomach-You are disgusting. You are a hellish bile. You are a taint sent to this family from the devil- Now the father grips Kim's jaw with his hand, so tightly that tomorrow he will probably have bruises-Dictate. What does God say?

-Please... don't...- Taehyung cries out 

-Did I stutter? Dictate otherwise I will strangle you to death- he says with a challenge in his eyes, grabbing the smaller one by the throat

-L-Leviticus...-Taehyung chokes out- chapter 18...verse 22

-Louder-his father demands, grip bruising his skin

Taehyung tries, but he knows that he is about to run out of oxygen. Somehow, he says the rest of the quote before he loses consciousness

The world stops. Everything shifts and there it is, the brief second of silence. Of acceptance.

...

Taehyung is young and inexperienced when Jaebom kisses him for the first time. They're both 15 years old at that time. It feels good when the plump lips crash against his. He feels familiar big hands on his waist and face. Jaebom has warm hands and it makes Taehyung feel so present in the moment. They have been waiting some time to finally kiss each other. Been together for 2 months. But Taehyung wanted to take it slow. They both wanted it actually. They were still so young. 

This is Taehyung's first real kiss. And his first-ever kiss with a boy. He feels those butterflies that everybody talks about.

It would come as no surprise that he had never had a sexual desire for girls. He discovered he was gay at the end of primary school. Taehyung, at the age of only 13, received a rather unambiguous letter from his good friend Lee Bora. It contained an invitation to a date. The very next day he was all dressed up, in a beautiful floral shirt and black pants, in front of her house. He smelled of his father's cologne and a bit of stress. Twelve minutes passed and a head appeared from behind the door, and then the whole figure of the young Korean girl. She looked lovely and Taehyung couldn't deny it. Unfortunately, he also couldn't deny that he felt nothing towards Bora except a strong friendship bond. The evening was very nice, neither of them felt embarrassed by their mutual presence. 

Unfortunately, Taehyung felt nothing. Literally.

It was so, so different with Jaebom. He felt infatuated from the very beginning. He finally felt at peace for once. They have been meeting a lot lately, watching the marvel universe, cuddling and eating ice cream. They trusted each other so Taehyung thought, that it is okay for them to finally kiss. When Jaeboms warm hands made their way under Tae's white t-shirt he felt his skin tingle. He moaned shyly in his mouth. They were laying down on the bed still kissing. It was innocent and a bit clumsy. Tae held Jaebom by the shoulders caressing them while the other boy draw small circles on his skin. He never felt this way. Jaebom licked Tae's lips and his tongue made him whimper. 

And that's when the door to his room opens suddenly. It takes them both by surprise. It's not that they were afraid of someone bursting in, they didn't do anything illegal, right? It was just a shock. 

Taehyung's father is standing in the doorway. His expression changes quickly. His smile disappears and he makes this ugly grimace with rage in his eyes.

-What the fuck do you think you're doing here?- He screams out frantically. He walks over to them, takes Jaebom by his shirt, and pulls him off the bed

Taehyung's father wasn’t the best, but he had never once raised his hand towards him. He wasn't the best father in the world but never once he yelled at him before. But this time it all changed.

The scream brings Mrs Kim to the room. Her eyes widen in terror as she watches the scene in front of her.

-How could you let him in our house- Tae's father screams out to her quite literally spitting in her face

-I... I didn't know. I really didn't know they were doing... such things in here- she says as if she was the one to be ashamed

-Mister- Jaebom stutters in distress

-I don't want to hear a word from you. I want you to stay away from my son.. and this family. Do you understand? You, you little... Faggot.

The word is harsh and Taehyung can feel it deep down his bones. His father takes Jaebom by his clothes and yanks him through the door. He closes it shut in front of his eyes so harshly, the walls vibrate a little.

Taehyung didn't know. He didn't know falling in love with a boy was such an awful crime. But he feels instant regret building up in him. 

It's heavy. He feels heavy. Heavy chest, heavy eyes. Everything is heavy surrounding him.

-Since when-his father yells at him after a minute of an overwhelming silence-When did it all go so wrong? We have been ripping our guts out to raise you well, and this is what you do? We gave you everything and that's how you pay us back?- he screams out gripping the other by the neck 

His father swallows on saliva and continues:

-You chose to go against the words of God? You're... You are so disgusting and ungrateful. Abhorrent and rotten

-Dad... Please... 'M sorry-he cries out with eyes blurry with tears

-I'm not your dad-he says through clenched teeth- Not anymore. Never, ever call me that again. You're a disgrace. 

He grabs Taehyung by the hair making his scalp burn with pain. He punches him straight in his left cheek. The wedding ring on his father's finger cuts his skin open. He throws the small body on the floor aggressively. Taehyung gasps for air when his ribs hit the floor hard. He can't breathe for a second absolutely paralyzed. He has no time to beg for mercy when he receives the first kick in the stomach. 

He screams out in pain, salty tears running down his face into the fresh-cut wound. The pain makes him dizzy.

-Abhorrent-yells his father, while kicking him, again and again-Sinful. Dirty. Rotten. Desecrated. Profaned

He can't do anything but stare at his father's shoes and shake from the kicks as his mom throws herself at the father, screaming and begging him to stop as he just pushes her away and Taehyung sees her stumble a little.

He feels dirt inside of his mouth. He had never seen his parents in such a state. And he knows it's all because of him. It's because his soul is rotten and full of flesh-eating bacteria. 

He mumbles a "sorry" with every kick his father makes, up until the shiny shoes his father wears hit him in the face and the world goes black and quiet. 

...

When Taehyung's consciousness returns to the body, he doesn't know how much time has passed. There is complete darkness around him. Where is he? He looks for anything, a point of support, and hits a wall. He is locked in a wardrobe in his parents' bedroom-he realizes. He smells the light scent of the anti-moth pendant and the touch of mom's fur coat.

-Daddy, please let me out, I'm scared-he slams his fists against the closet door until they bleed

He can't breathe. God, he can't fucking breathe.

-What is a man who associates with another man?-it's his father again

-It's dark in here, please-he whines out

-Taehyung, answer

-Abhorrent-the words cut his throat, stinging with bitter venom

He regrets it. He regrets kissing Jun and Jaebom. He regrets liking boys. He regrets being gay. 

-What are you, Taehyung?

-Abhorrent- he cries out with the last of his strength

That's when he hears the sound of the lock from the wardrobe being opened and he falls limp from the inside, hitting his head against the oak panels. He gasps for air, struggling to breathe, choking even. 

-Learn something from today- From this position, Taehyung can only see his father's perfectly polished shoes, which after a while, for the last time of the day, kick him in the face. Then his father leaves the room, his loafers stained with blood, leaving the body lying alone. Later you only hear the door to the bathroom being opened and running water from the shower.

And Taehyung is still lying there unable to move his finger, even a bit. And he cries, choking on his own tears. He lies still for a while until his mother enters the room. She has an apology written on her face and tears in her eyes, but she doesn't say anything out loud. She gently helps Taehyung get up and takes him to bed. She binds the wounds a little, kisses his forehead and leaves. She leaves Taehyung alone, again. The house suddenly becomes completely quiet. Everything seemed to suddenly freeze. 

It's silent and the silence rings in Taehyungs head 

Tears are streaming down his face. He dissociates from reality. His mind turns into a black hole. He's sinking, drowning in the darkness. He’s stuck in it alone with no way out. His small sobbing is accompanied today by the hum of the air conditioning.

After all, his happiness didn't last that long.  

Chapter Text

tw: panic attack, abuse mention

Jeongguk felt miserable. He felt his world crumble in a few moments. As if his perfect plastic reality he created thorough the years with catering boxes and mirrors in pretty frames had fallen apart in front of his feet. It was as if his whole world was a sheet of paper crushed into a ball. It was a mess. A big, ugly mess and Jeongguk felt himself stumble over all of this. 

 Something was wrong with him and he didn't know how to cope. His face itched so much he wanted to scratch it to raw flesh. There were ants under the layer of skin on his face and once they moved it all burned. His stomach burned with embarrassment. Why didn't he get hard? Was he really that drunk that his body couldn't respond normally? Maybe he was tired? Maybe he wasn't in the mood?

Or maybe it was not him who was the problem? Maybe it was all the girls fault? Maybe he didn't want to fuck her? He didn't want to fuck her in specific? After all, she might have not been so pretty as he imagined? Maybe her boobs weren't really that big after all? It was all too confusing.

He tried to think of something- a solution, explanation? But he didn't really have enough time to figure all of this out when another disaster happened on monday.

When Mr Choi- the economics teacher handed Jeongguk his paper from the latest test the world collapsed a bit. 

Jeon Jeongguk got a D in economics. 

All the remaining air leaves Jeongguk's lungs when he reads from the white sheet of paper with his name on it and it's as if he got hit in the chest with a baseball bat. Jeongguk feels as if he was choking. He felt that he was a kid with asthma and could only breathe through a thin drinking straw. His throat had gone dry a long time ago, he felt as if he had sand in his mouth, which he was about to choke on. He had had enough of the day.

 It laid in front of his eyes. Clear as day.  The miserable red mark.

 No, it can't be. This must be an misunderstanding. He did learn on sunday, as he told himself. He tried. He put in the effort, then why is there a big red D on his test sheet now? He did one fun thing in ages and that's what he gets in return? An ugly fucking D?

Again, the familiar feeling appears in his stomach. He was sinking, drowning. Jeongguk feels anxiety starting to creep down his throat. It feels as if hands were tightening around his neck now. There will be dirty bruises on it, he's sure of that.
It's suffocating him. There’s something squeezing his chest and it hurts. It hurts so much. He sees red for a good minute or so. Hears his heart thudding loudly in his ears and oh, is he going to have a panic attack right now and right here?

Take a look at what you've done. Take a look at the mess you've created. You messed up again, you are a fucking disappointment. 
Did you really think you could be a normal teenager for once? You really thought you could manage to do both tings at once? To not disappoint your father and to have some fun as others? Oh, remember that party that you went to instead of learning and when your fucking cock was still floppy even though a girl with huge tits wanted you to fuck her? Do you remember the time when you ate her pussy out thinking about how you're not a man anymore? Don't forget about the kid you bullied not that long ago and when he finally gathered the courage to ask you to stop hitting him so hard he had to skip school for several days you jerked off thinking about him. 

Yeah, you will never be normal. You will always be a disgrace.

 You will never, ever be enough. This thought is echoing in his brain too loud. It's heavy. It's so hard to breathe Jeongguk is about to collapse. 

He tastes bitter on his tongue. He exactly knows this taste. Recognizes it straight away. It's guilt, eating him whole. His fists clench automatically, his nails digging into his palms because pain usually brings him back down, but the sting of his hands isn't enough this time. That's when it hits him. 

Where is Taehyung?

He didn't know any other way than to do harm in situations like that. This was the only coping mechanism he had. The only thing he could hold on to while falling. This was his escape from his own agony. He didn't know any better. He only knew how to sow destruction. He couldn't build anything good enough, so he destroyed everything on his way. And it was his own father who told him that Taehyung was bad, right? He told him that Taehyung was the one to blame. That god hated him. So he punished him. 

Many times. But he had a reasonable explanation. He did what God wanted. He punished the evil making himself good. And when anger and the feeling of failure was building up in him he didn't even notice that Taehyung wasn't sitting in his usual place. In fact when Jeongguk looked around the classroom he realized he wasn't sitting in any other place as well. 

He didn't go to school? That's strange. Taehyung always went to school, even when sick. The only times when he left school was when Jeongguk beat him. The thought makes Jeongguk shudder in bitterness. It's like a confirmation of guilt and Jeongguk feels himself shrivelling up.

Well Taehyung isn't there and it's none of his business. He has to deal with his anger in a different way this time. But he doesn't know how. It's overwhelming. His eyes twitch and they turn blurry. The world is spinning. 

He needs to get down somehow. He's falling into the grave he dig up himself. He doesn't know what to grab onto so he decides to simply stand up from his seat and leave the classroom. The teacher screams at him along the lines of "what do you think you're doing Jeon Jeongguk" and "If you close that door I will make you write an 6 page essay about treating others with respect"- but he doesn't care. He doesn't treat others with respect, never did. He got used to being a cold-hearted monster. It was easier that way. This way he didn't expose himself to being hurt again. Because the first ever person he trusted so much hurt him so badly.

Taehyung was the real Lucifer-Jeongguk thinks.

 He was the fallen angel from the bible. He must have been God's favourite once because the undeniable fact was that Taehyung has always been so beautiful that it made Jeon choke on his own saliva. He needed to destroy his beauty. 

He didn't know how to build anything good enough so he destroyed the things that were pretty. 

And it was all Taehyung's fault. Taehyung was the reason why he went to that party after all. If he didn't appear in his head that one night. If he didn't beg him for mercy in that stupid toilet. If he didn't kiss him on the cheek that day in the kindergarten. If he didn't exist from the beginning, everything would be different.

But he did exist and Jeongguk got used to it. He knew how to cope with that. And now, when Jeon really needed him, he wasn't there. He was gone. 

Jeongguk never felt this alone in his whole life.

He felt lost, his eyes blurry with tears and it was so heavy. 

See? That's what you get. That's what you deserve. You're bad. So, so bad. You're not good at anything. Your father will be so mad at you today Jeongguk. You know that, right?
He goes berserk. Smashes the wall with his clenched fists. Once, twice. Again and again. He can't seem to stop hitting the bathroom wall, up until the grey tile is loosening. It falls of the wall and breaks into 5 asymmetrical pieces next to his shoes. Jeongguk can see his own reflection in the broken pieces and he weirdly relates to it. It's just like him- broken and worthless. 

Not good enough. Jeongguk is not good enough. It thuds in his head when he slides down to his knees. There's blood oozing from his hands. The scarlet liquid flowing down brings him at peace. It's so weirdly calming seeing that at least that one part of him is normal. That he still has human reflexes. That he wasn't completely lost in all of this. 

The dripping blood is still ugly-he thinks. Jeon, even if he was still human, he was ugly. He was scarred and rotten. It was unacceptable. 

... 

When Jeongguk comes back home he smells tteokbokki. His parents are home which would be unusual itself but its even more shocking that it's Ms Jeon who is standing by the kitchen counter and mixing up the salty dish in a pot. It was strange but Jeongguk had to be on his best behaviour. He did enough bad things already. But they don't know about it yet.

It was strange. Eating a dinner together, pretending to be a perfect family. 

He has to tell them. He needs to. In other case it would eat him alive. So when Jeongguk's father was swallowing down the noodles, he said with a trembling voice:

-Dad... I got a D in economy

-A D?-his father hisses mockingly-What, are you satisfied with that?

- Of course not, dad. I'm sorry, really sorry- he says with his voice trembling

- Are you really?-he doesn't even deign to look at him, still consuming his ttaeok

-Yes, I told you, dad. I'm really sor...

-Why aren't you that good anymore? You always did so good in school. What changed?-he cuts him off shortly

And maybe it's the tone he has taken that makes Jeongguk shiver. He feels it deep down in his bones. "why aren't you that good anymore?"

It's one bad mark-he thinks. And it's so sad that after all of these years of him ripping his guts out he never once heard his father say "you're good enough, kid". But now, when he gets a D the world suddenly collapses? He is the bad guy again? He always thought that he was never the good guy to begin with.  That he never satisfied his father even a bit but apparently there had been times when he was "good"? 

When was it? Why didn't he notice? And why wasn't he good anymore?

"What changed?" Yeah, what did change? And it's hard to admit, but Jeongguk knows the answer. 

He changed. The years changed him. He changed so much it ripped him apart from the inside. He changed so much he didn't even recognize himself in the mirror. Where did that kind and ambitious Jeongguk go? Where was he? 

He was dead. Dead and decaying. Rotten underground. Jeongguk killed him years ago. He stifled him so hard. Why did his father want to dig him out again? Was this the "good" version of him?

-I will become better- he says eyes staring at the plate in front of him

He's not hungry anymore. 

-You better do-it's harsh

It feels harsh on his soul. He is not good enough. He has to change, again. Maybe if he will, his father would finally be satisfied with him? Maybe.

-I talked to some important people-his father continues- About your future

About his future? Is there any hope for the future for him? 

-They said they will guarantee you a place at Yonsei. You will become a lawyer as you always dreamed of. So, please behave, and I will get you what you wanted. 

Jeongguk swallows his saliva loudly. He wants to say something but he feels his mouth is sewn up. It's not what he dreamed of. He never wanted that. He hated law. He hated the thought of him being a lawyer.

 In fact he did what his FATHER wanted. He did what he said to finally satisfy him with something. But it was still not good enough.

-I even found you an apartment so you could live and study there. It's really spacious and pretty luxurious so that the other kids from your college would know that we come out of money. I think, you will like it. I have it reserved for the next year. 

Spacious. The adjective sinks in his brain. Is it as spacious as their house now? Will he be so lost as he is now? Coming out of money is the loneliest thing ever, that's for sure. Jeongguk stares at his palms, opens and closes them again. He hallucinates and sees a red color crawling out of his hand. It leaks from his cracked fingers, spills into the air and stains the white tablecloth. It was the scarlet color of blood. 

-Do I really need to study there? I think it will be lonely, living alone, away from my friends- he says body tensed, jaw tightened

-What has gotten into you? I don't recognize you, son. Others don't matter, remember? It's you who needs to become a lawyer, not any of your stupid little friends, right?

-But...-he starts but he doesn't manage to end his sentence

Jeongguk thinks it's bitter. It's bitter when he receives a slap on the face from his father. It's all like in the movies. Everything is like in slow motion and it's not really Jeongguk being slapped right now. It's the character in the film and Jeongguk is just sitting there, eating popcorn, looking at it from the 3rd point of view. It's cut off from reality, a total fiction. It's all just a play and none of this is real. Right?

-Ouch- he let's out

The sting on his cheek feels real

- End of discussion. Treat that like a warning, okay?

Jeongguk doesn't have the strength to talk back again. He will lose anyways, so why even bother? So he shuts up and continues on eating. The dish doesn't taste good anymore. It feels like worms are in his mouth and it tastes like dirt. 

...

After dinner Jeongguk decides to sneak out. He needs some air because his head hurts from the lack of oxygen. He wanders around the city for a while without any particular reason. He doesn't know what to do with himself but he knows he can't bear to look at his fathers face again today. He will most definitely throw up on him if he did. So he walks, here an there without any purpose. He finally decides to enter a small seven eleven shop on the corner. He wanted to buy some banana milk or some snacks. He didn't really know. He was just pretty bored and a bit hungry since he didn't really eat that much dinner. 

The cool air from the air conditioning hit him in the face at the entry door. There's a humming sound of the refrigeration units and the beep of the scanner.

Jeongguk was now standing by the snack alleyway and was looking for something that seemed appealing. Nothing really caught his attention so he opted just for a carton of banana milk. When he makes his way to the register there is someone standing there. Jeon doesn't even seem to notice the person at first, too consumed with his phone but once he takes his eyes off of the reflective screen he recognizes the person straight away. 

It's Taehyung. He's standing there in light beige sweatpants and white sneakers, hair messy, face tired. He doesn't seem to notice him so Jeongguk decides to observe him a bit. He twists fingers together, nervously nibbles at the skin around the nail. He looks exhausted-Jeongguk wonders why.  

And that's when he sees it. He sees a big, ugly bruise on his neck. It's covered with concealer but the blue color is still visible a bit. There's also a cut on his lip and his left eye seems to be a bit swollen. Jeongguk sees it all from the distance. He can't dare to move. He proceeds to look at the moving tape of the register and he sees that there's only a few band aids and a pack of pain killers there. Taehyung looks absent from the moment staring blankly at his shoes. 

A weird feeling appears in Jeongguk's stomach. 

Is this why he didn't go to school today? What had happened? It wasn't him. He didn't beat him. Who was is then? Who laid a finger on Taehyung? His Taehyung. Nobody could touch him the way he did. Only he could do that. Who has abused power over him? 

When Taehyung pays for his things with a couple crumpled banknotes he takes the white plastic bag from the cashier with a pale smile. He's just about to leave the store when he looks up for a fraction of a second and that's when their eyes cross. Kim takes a step back from the counter with his eyes wandering over the face of the other boy. They stare at each other for some time. There's a loud silence surrounding them because Jeongguk doesn't know what should he say. Or if he should say anything at all. He tries to pretend that all this doesn't affect him. But he cannot control the trembling of his hands and his burning eyes. Taehyung mouth opens and closes alternately. His gaze is lost and confused. It's all dizzying. Jeongguk tries to swallow the lump in his throat. Taehyung looks down at his shopping bag, bottom lip trembling. He takes a shaky step back. Turns around and races out the shop.

Jeongguk doesn't follow him. He stands there, with pure shock on his face. He doesn't want him to feel humiliated. It's the least he can do now. 

Someone hit him. Someone hurt Taehyung really bad and the thought left an imprint in Jeongguk's heart.  

Chapter Text

It's Tuesday when Taehyung comes back to school. When he goes inside the classroom Jungkook notices that he's wearing a black turtle neck. He shudders at the sight of it. He knows why. He's aware that under that black piece of cloth Taehyung is hiding a ugly blue mark. Taehyung's eye isn't swollen anymore and the cut on his lip is barely visible. But Jeongguks knows it's there. The bruise is still there. The turtle neck was a clear evidence.  

Taehyung doesn't look at him when he enters the room, eyes fixed on his shoes. His presence is silent. Jeongguk still feels a bit relieved at the sight of him, even if he seems smaller, weaker than ever. 

He's here and it makes Jungkook feel at peace a bit. Even though he would never say it out loud. 

...

After 4 boring lessons Jeongguk feels sluggish. He honestly might fall asleep on the desk. It's lunch time. Jeongguk is completely uninterested in going to the canteen. He would rather stay here, in the class staring at the ceiling or something. But he gets up anyway. When his on his way to the way to the cafeteria his phone buzzes in his pocket. He reaches in for it and when he unlocks it his father's number appears on the screen. It's unusual for his father to call him in the middle of class. He stops for a moment in place and answers the phone. 

-Hi, something wrong?-he asks straight away

Something must be wrong, Jeongguk can sense it. 

-Wow Jeongguk. You disappointed me, yet again

-What? 

Exactly. What? Did he do something wrong, again? Jeongguk's life flashed in front of his eyes for a moment.

-Your principal just called me. Apparently, yesterday you have been acting disrespectful towards your economics teacher and left her class. She is still angry about it. I demand you to apologize to her today, understood? 

-Okay, I'm sorry dad. I just got so sad about the mark yesterday I had to leave

-I don't want to hear any excuses from you. You obviously missed yesterday's lesson. God, why can't you be good for something?

And he ends the call like this. 

"Why can't you be good for something?" 

Jeongguk doesn't even notice when he changes the direction.

"Why can't you be good for something?"

He is drenched in sweat. Hands shaking, legs trembling. 

He enters the first classroom on the left. Runs amok. His eyes turn blurry. Everything is spinning like a carousel. On that one carousel where Jeongguk threw up.

"WHY CAN'T YOU BE GOOD FOR SOMETHING?"

He was breathing unstably, feeling a panic attack sweep through him. His hands turned into fists. Everything swirled around him. He felt himself drifting, bouncing off the floor, and his soul tearing away from his consciousness.

-Oh-he let's out when he notices he's not alone.

Taehyung. 

Taehyung was here. Sitting in the back with his eyes glued onto the other. Jeongguk freezes in place not able to move. 

That's when he hears the automatic lock to close behind him. It makes a clicking sound and Jeongguk breaks out of the trance. He turns around and tries to desperately open the door. There's no movement. 

Fuck. No. This can't be happening.  All of this. This is not happening. 

He starts banging at the door, thinking that maybe someone will hear it and open it from the outside but there's no one there. Just silence on the corridor. Jeongguk still continuously bangs on the door  for 30 seconds when he hears a sound coming from the school radio station:

-Dear students. There has just been a malfunction in our safety locks. Please don't panic and stay where you are right now. The repair team has been already notified.  They will be on their way in a few minutes. It's a matter of time when the locks will be repaired. We will make every effort to ensure you that this failure does not cause delays in the timetable and that you will be free by the time your classes are about to end. Please be patient. We will notify you of any progress. 

-Fuck- Jeongguk sighs out loudly-No fucking way

This is all a cruel joke right now. The world decided to make a terrible joke on him. It's not funny. Jungkook doesn't want to laugh now. He wants to cry. Please can it be over yet?-He begs to god desperately.

He has to stay in here, with the one and only Kim fucking Taehyung? There's no way. No fucking chance. He must find a way out. There must be another exit. He must leave or else he will fucking pass out. 

He frantically walks to the only small window in the whole room. He doesn't dare to look again in the direction where Taehyung is sitting. His hands start shaking uncontrollably. He panics. This is all too overwhelming. He can't stay in here. So he tries to open the window. It's to high up so he has to climb on a desk to reach it. 

It won't open. He tries as hard as he can but it won't fucking open. 

-Fucking shit-he curses under his breath fighting with the lock

He finally gives up when he feels sweat on his forehead. 

Jeongguk had sinned. He had sinned and this was his penance. A cruel repentance. Thats what it is. This is what he gets. This is  the worst situation he had ever been in. He's literally on the verge of collapsing now. The combination of his panic attack and the thought of being all alone with him makes him want to vomit. 

They are all alone. Together. In a small space. Too small. It's suffocating.

Must repent. This is what God wants, isn't it?  

He has to survive this. This is the only way. 

Jeongguk sighs heavily and comes down from the table. He looks at Taehyung, sitting in the same place as he was. He is looking him straight in the eye, absolutely terrified. His chest is moving fast, breathing unstable. He nibbles nervously on the skin around his finger and doesn't dare to say a word. 

Jeongguk walks up to him, trying to seem confident:

-I guess we are stuck in here- it sounds so horrendously stupid but that's the only thing he can think of in this moment

-Yeah-Taehyung whispers out cautiously scanning his silhouette 

Jeongguk hesitantly sits next to him, keeping a distance from their bodies. 

-Well, uh...-he opens his mouth, not knowing what to say next-how's your day going?

Jeongguk immediately flushes, suddenly feeling like an idiot. Shit. This is so awkward. He feels his mouth dry out. 

Taehyung looks at him confused. There's an overwhelming silence surrounding them and Jeongguk doesn't know what to do with it. It's quiet for far too long and he begins to falter. He starts to play with his fingers, avoiding eye contact.

-I mean... Ah... Since we're here stuck with each other I thought... Maybe...- He continues. All of the confidence he had built up is gone. He should know better than to open his stupid mouth, hadn't his father taught him that?

-It's okay-Taehyung interrupts-What about you?

This is strange. Talking after all of the things that happened. After all of these years. 

Jeongguk swallows -Oh... Um... been better, I guess?-he dares to look up on him and he feels his ears burn when he sees Taehyung  staring right at him.

He feels intimidated and it feels weird. This is something absolutely new for him, because all of the time he was the one intimidating others. He was the one, others were afraid of. 

 And now he's sitting there with a red face and an open mouth looking at the other boy.  It feels intimate, too intimate. 

It's silent after that because none of them know what to say or do. They're just staring at each other. That's when Jeongguk stomach growls. Shit, he wasn't hungry before. Why didn't he go to that fucking canteen. None of this would have place if he did go there and ate his stupid salad and drank his stupid water.

-You hungry?-Taehyung asks 

Jeongguk laughs dryly but it comes out as a weird, shapeless sound- Maybe a little?

Kim reaches inside of his bag and pulls out a sandwich in a see through foil packaging.

-Here, take it-he says stiffly

-Oh um... Thank you?-He says unsure

Why is Taehyung always so kind? After everything he had done to him. He still decided to be nice. 

They'e both quiet again and the silence that fills the space between them, rings Jeongguk in the ears. He takes the sandwich into his hands, opens it up carefully.

-Are you sure, you don't want it? If you're hungry...

-I'm not. Unlike you-he interrupts him again and gives him a smile

Oh god. Taehyung really just smiled at him. He smiled at the kid who used to bully him. Like all of this didn't have place. Like the past didn't matter. Like "I told you that boys can't love other boys because it's gross and not normal. I think Taehyung is such an abnormality" never existed. All Jeongguk can do is swallow. 

He doesn't  know how he manages to do it. How Taehyung manages to casually smile at him after everything that has been done. It all can't be undone and Jeongguk wonders. 

It's too much. This whole thing is too much, Jeongguk actually feels himself suffocating. 
-Well, thanks again. You shouldn't have
-Why not?-the question sounds genuine
- You shouldn't care about someone like me-That's right. He shouldn't care about him at all. He shouldn't give him the sandwich, shouldn't smile at him. Shouldn't be so kind after everything that Jeongguk had done.
- What is that supposed to mean?- he frowns
- I think you exactly know what it means
The tension in the air is dense. There's so many things unsaid and neither of them know how to approach the topic.

Jeongguk wants to ask something. And he knows from the beginning that this will not lead to anything good but he just can't let go of that one thought.
- Does it still hurt?- he asks pointing to the neck of the other, his voice small, unsure.

Taehyungs expression changes quickly. His smile fades and he suddenly looks sad.
- Ah... So you've seen it. I hoped you didn't. No, it's okay now.
- Are you sure? I mean it looked serious. And uhh...I was kinda thinking about it
-It's really okay. Drop it, Jeongguk- his voice is sharp and stiff

There's many thoughts swirling inside of Jeongguks head right now.
See? This is what happens when you don't shut the fuck up. Everyone just gets hurt and disappointed. His gut burns from the shame. And he knows he shouldn't. He shouldn't have asked but he can't hold back.

-Who did this?-his voice is suddenly determined

He needs to know. Who did this. Who hurt Taehyung?

-I said drop it

-Who did it?-he repeats, his voice sharp and dominant

-Why would I tell you?-he asks, stressing the word "you"

And that makes Jeongguk hesitate. He's right. Why would he tell him? They weren't friends. Not anymore. They were strangers. Strangers with bad memories. But Jeongguk still felt as if he should know about it. That he should ask.  

-Please-he whines out, his voice sounding like a deformed squeak-I have no bad intentions. I swear. I just need to know. It has been eating me up since the day I saw you at that stupid store. I need to know who did it

-Why?

The question is easy but it catches Jeon off guard. He doesn't know why. His body tells him he just needs to know, but there was no logical explanation.

Jeongguk was mean. He had been mean from the very beginning of his appearance in this goddamn school. He was undeniably mean. And although he was subconsciously aware of it, he would never admit it out loud. He was mean to Taehyung and it was all absurd. It was bizarre that now, he wanted to know. He felt as if him beating Tae up everyday was something normal and reserved only for him but the sight in that seven eleven broke something in him. 

That's when Jeongguk realized it all. He realized he wasn't the only one. That the imprinted blue fists on young Kim's caramel belly weren't just his. 

When he returns his gaze to Taehyung he realizes that the other is still waiting for his answer. 

-I just need to

He feels so naked now. Like every little thought of his, was visible and so easy to read out. 

-Okay. -Taehyung starts reluctantly-I will tell you- there's a pause after that-Only because of our past friendship. But if you ever tell someone, anyone. You will be dead to me Jeongguk. Forever. Don't ever try to get mixed up in it, you understand?

-Yes, of course

The break after that is long. Too long. Meanwhile, Taehyung has to figure it all out. He doesn't want to pour it all out on Jeongguk. He doesn't want to say too much. He swallows aloud before he dares to say:

-My dad. It was my dad- these words are spoken softly, in a whisper tone, as if Taehyung didn't want anyone to catch them

Jeongguks mouth opens up in horror. 

-Jesus Christ- he breathes out

This is not what he expected. This was far worse from everything he could have ever imagined. Jeongguk's eyes flutter shut. Taehyungs father hit him. He hit him. The man that was always so friendly towards Jungkook when they were kids. The man that was always neatly dressed and drove a squeeky-clean car. The man that wore a nice watch. The man that turned out to be a monster and Jeongguk could have never imagined. 

He never seemed to notice anything, never got interested in Taehyungs life. He never even suspected that there was something off. And what was even worse was that, even if he suspected, he probably wouldn't do anything about it. 

He became a monster. This was the most visible evidence of it. 

Tuesday was the day Jeon Jeongguk realized he was not a good person. That he was a bad, rotten monster who deserved nothing in life. That it would be best if he disappeared, dissolved into thin air, ceased to exist. 

-Are you okay, Gguk? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it

Jeongguks eyes flicker for a moment. It's so ironic, isn't it? It's Taehyung apologizing even though he never did anything bad.

After all, it wasn't Taehyung who was the Lucifer. It was Jeongguk all along. Jungkook did so many hurtful things in his life and yet it's not him begging for forgiveness now, but the other boy. This was all surreal to such a extend, it felt comic. 

-No, you're good. I was the one who asked-he answers truthfully-Does he do it often?-the question is also quiet, delicate

-It depends

-It depends on what?-the word is spoken in the air questioningly, equally softly, Jeongguk is afraid to speak louder, so for the moment they both whisper

-I usually lock myself in my room before his arrival, but that time he... He was waiting for me

-I didn't know. I didn't know something that horrible was going in your life

-How could you know? We aren't friends anymore. I don't blame you for that

And the timbre of his voice cuts the air surrounding them. 

Jeongguk did blame him. 

He blamed him all these years for everything that had happened between them. Jeongguk has been making a victim of himself all his life. He thought, he really thought the he had the worst. That it was all Taehyung's fault. He selfishly thought that an empty house and tears over some textbooks were the worst things that could happen to a teen. That Taehyung brought doom on Jeongguk. That his father and god weren't proud of him because of him. 

He was delusional. He was terribly wrong. He was self-righteous all those years.

And the whole realization makes Jeongguk's head hurt. 

-Let's switch up the conversation, shall we? It's getting quite depressing-It's Taehyung talking again, he had probably seen the expression on Jeongguk's face 

So they change the subject and start talking about stupid little things. It feels like the old times. It's like nothing really changed, like when they were best friends. 

But they're not. Even if it looks like it from the outside, this particular moment is so fragile any rapid move could break it. Nothing is the same as it was, nothing will ever be. 

Jeongguk's head is swirling with thoughts. Everything is spinning and banging inside of him but he can't show it outside. He can't let Taehyung see him break down. 

Jeongguk was a disgusting human being.

...

An hour passes in the blink of an eye. Jeongguk doesn't even realize when did the time pass. It felt good talking to Taehyung about stupid little things. He felt at peace for once. 

When the school radio station notifies the students about the locks having been already repaired it's Taehyung who leaves first. He smiles lightly and waves his hand at Jeon as he does it. 

And when Jeongguk is alone again he feels himself sink. He knew that this would happen. He knew that eventually they would be released from the classroom. He knew that this wouldn't last forever. But he still felt empty when he was left behind. 

Well that's it. That's another end of Taehyung and Jeongguk. But Jeongguk thinks that maybe this time this end won't be permanent. Maybe there is something to fight for?

Chapter Text

tw: nsfw scenes

The next few days pass quite normally. Nothing unusual happens between Taehyung and Jeongguk after their talk. It's not some shitty rom-com for them to suddenly become best friends or lovers. This is real life. And Jeongguk had learned a long time ago that real life is way more complicated than anything he has ever seen on TV. He jumps back to his everyday routine. Wakes up, goes to school, comes back home, studies, goes to the gym, sweats his butt off, comes home, takes a shower, studies again and finally goes to sleep. It was his repetitive schedule but it brought peace to his brain. At least that's what he was telling himself. 

Nothing unusual happens between Taehyung and Jeongguk except for when Jeongguk comes back home from school that Tuesday he has a massive breakdown. That particular day was the day Jeon Jeongguk realized he was not a good person. This was his big awakening.  He always knew, deep inside, that he became a monster but he never had such visible evidence before. 

He was rotten with maggots crawling inside of him. He realized he deserved everything he got from his father. He really was disgusted with himself. He found himself ugly crying in his own room thinking about it all. He sat there as if in a trance. He stared at the ceiling without even blinking his eyes, breathing unstably, feeling the panic attack sweep over him. 

All his life he never wanted to disappoint anyone. He didn't want to disappoint his despotic parents and the teachers at school. He didn't want to disappoint his friends or anyone else. And in the end he did it anyway, in a very blunt way. In addition, he had also disappointed himself. And Taehyung. 

Because for 18 years his father kept telling him that gays were absolutely disgusting and that he could never be tainted and ugly. That he had to find a sweet Korean girl and marry her in the future. That he must become a lawyer and ensure the well-being of his wife and future children. 

Jeongguk's father said that gays were gross, but Taehyung never seemed even a little gross to him. But he always feared to say it aloud. He was a coward. 

And that was the reason he punched Kim Taehyung, selfishly believing that since he would never experience happiness himself, Kim couldn't either. He was really disgusting at what he did. But what turned out? The boy he harassed, beaten, and abused, the boy who once got his finger broken, his brow cut, and his ankle sprained, was a victim of domestic violence and had been traumatized every day of his shitty life.

And while Jeongguk had his eyes up his ass all the time, Taehyung never once complained.

He began to sob softly, unable to move even a centimetre. He tried to force himself to move, but he couldn't physically. Everything swirled around him. He felt himself drifting, losing his consciousness.  He couldn't hear anything past the ringing in his ears. It took Jeongguk some time to realize of his surroundings when he bounced back to reality. He found himself in the bathroom hunched over the toilet. He doesn't know how long he had been there, it was all a fuzzy memory. Before he can understand what is happening, he is vomiting again. With the ringing in his ears and watery eyes. Sometimes he does so. Sometimes the anxiety that fills his gut makes him sick in the stomach. It leaves him drenched in sweat gripping him like a vice and it’s all so tiring. Thinking about Taehyung is a constant reminder of everything he tried so hard to keep out of his mind.

 There was no one to comfort him. No one to save him. He was all alone in this world and in this cursed vast house.

But this was in the past and even if nothing changed between them after that Tuesday, something felt different. Jeongguk felt different. He didn't feel hatred towards Taehyung anymore. Instead of that he started to admire him. Kim was probably the strongest person he had ever met. And from that day Jeongguk's tried to be stronger as well. He tried being nicer, and more polite to others. He let the girls pass at the door, and started paying more attention in class. He smiled more often and it was a fresh breeze in his lungs. Jeongguk never would have guessed that it would feel so nice being nice. 

The following days were a breath of fresh air for the entire school. The aura that prevailed everywhere had changed completely. And it was all thanks to Jeon Jeongguk. It was like the 3rd-grade brunet threw a bomb that launched all its energy from space. He tried, he really tried. After all, he finally had real motivation. The last few months have been a big confusion for Jeon, but now, within a few days, everything seemed to make sense. Everything turned out to be magical and Gguk's head was not filled with terror, but rather with some unique harmony. Jeon's shift seemed strange to most of the students. It was all very incomprehensible, but after all, no one minded. In the end, the whole school could breathe a sigh of relief, because everyone's great nightmare became harmless.

...

When Jungkook comes home the next Friday he feels frustrated. Sexually frustrated to be exact. The last couple of weeks had left him in a huge cock block. I mean it was pretty weird for him not to call a tinder girl to hookup. He was still scared. Imagine if he had some pretty girl over, all to himself and his dick wouldn't have gotten hard again? He couldn't just eat her out, it would be unsatisfying not only to him but also to her. Girls always loved his dick. And since he wasn't sure of it now, he didn't want to risk another humiliating situation. But still, he wanted sex. He needed it. This was the only thing that diversified his boring lifestyle. So when days passed by without getting played, he got quite annoyed. So he decided to take matters into his own hands. Literally. 

When Jeongguk sits by the desk in his room he goes straight to Pornhub.

 He searches with his left hand, the other one sliding down his pants already. He's suddenly so impatient. When he searches through the categories something catches his eye. 

"GAY"

Hm-he wonders. Maybe he should see what it's all about. Maybe his dad was wrong the entire time? Maybe God didn't find it that bad? After all, there were many gay people on the earth. Does God really hate them all?

He will just check it out. Just to make sure. He was simply curious. So he clicks on it. And when the site loads up his eyes scan it curiously. He clicks on the first video he sees. He takes his hand out of his pants just in case. After all this was just a test, he wasn't gay. This was just for research purposes, to see what's the fuss actually about. He waits for the intro to pass with an inquisitive expression on his face. The video starts playing and Jeon turns the volume down straight away.

God, this is loud-he thinks to himself, embarrassed about what he is watching just now.  Even though he's home alone so no one could possibly hear him and what's playing from the speakers.

The video starts out weird. There's a masked-up, skinny white boy in some weird bondage shit. The other one is penetrating him with a black dildo with some weird, round bumps. The tied-up boy is moaning soundly while dangling from the rope attached to the ceiling. 

Jeongguks face turns into disgust. 

The dominant man slaps the other boy in the butt and turns him around with ease, leaving the dildo up his ass. When the smaller one is turned around the dom puts his dick straight into his mouth, face fucking him roughly. The other one starts gagging, saliva mixed with snot running down his face. The other one wipes the fluid on his face and blocks his nostrils with a hand, so the other one starts choking even more, making gagging noises and turning all red in the face. 

Jeongguk watches it all in horror and when the dominant man on the screen is about to cum inside the other one's mouth he can't take it anymore. He closes the video with pure shock and a gag reflex. 

This is gross. This was grosser than he had ever imagined. The obscure video can't leave his mind for a good second when he tries to catch his own breath. 

What the fuck was that? Is this why God abhors gays? He isn't surprised. This must be it. This video was absolutely disgusting and Jeongguk feels stupid for even going in there. Ew.

When Jeongguk calms down a bit and wants to leave the category to go to some normal straight stuff he sees a thumbnail at the corner of his eye. He notices a brown-haired boy on it, with a pretty figure and a nice skin colour. There's also another man in there, pretty muscular, but not too much, his skin colour a bit lighter and Jeongguk feels curious again. 

Okay, just this once. If this is another of that disgusting shit, he will leave and never go back to such absurd thoughts anymore. 

He clicks on that video.

When it loads it starts pretty normally. There's a boy laying on his belly, naked in an all-so-seductive pose. His face isn't visible since he's turned backwards but he has really pretty dark hair. They're kind of curly and it reminds Jeongguk of Taehyung a bit. He tries to deny the thought but the whole figure of the boy is also pretty similar- skinny body, scrumptious bubble butt, and a bit of muscle. 

There's a night lamp turned on and the warm light covers the body with a beautiful caramel colour. There's "chamber of reflection" playing from a speaker when the other man appears. He strokes the other boy's butt and gives it a light slap. The other one twitches at it. The dominant one demands the curly haired to put his butt up and crawl on his knees. He does as he is told and when his ass is more exposed Jeongguks feels himself blush. There's a heatstroke going in his head right now. And when the other man, so weirdly similar in his physique to Jeon starts to put his length in the caramel-skinned one Jeongguks feels his hands slip straight into his own underwear. He touches himself as the pale boy on the screen adjusts his pace. He touches himself when he starts getting faster and faster as the smaller one starts moaning sweetly. It sounds pure melodic, completely different from the first video and it makes Jeongguk speed up on his wrist movements. The scene on his computer screen makes him aroused even more when the top one grabs the bottoming boy by the curly hair making his head arch. He doesn't protest but instead hums excitedly. 

Jeongguks eyes roll at the back of his head as he cums strongly in his hands. He lets out a muffled moan at the same time.

-Oh. My. Fucking. God-he breathes out

Chapter Text

tw: homophobic slurs

-Oh. My. Fucking. God-Jeongguk breathes out

WHAT THE ACTUAL?

WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED?

Jeongguk feels like crying when he realizes what he had just done. He had sinned. Very badly. And this time there was no explanation in his head. This time he couldn't blame anyone but himself. It was him and that stupid curiosity that brought shame straight onto him. It was him, who went on that black and yellow site, him who had clicked on the video, him who had stroked his own dick. 

This time he had to take responsibility for his actions and it scared the heck out of him. 

He knew what he did. He knew it was bad, yet he still continued. 

...

-Daddy, I miss Taehyung-said Jungkook with tears in his eyes sitting by the table

His dad was sitting in front of him, face hidden behind the big macbook screen. 

-Ggukie, we talked about this many times. He is no good

-But... What did he do so wrong?-he didn't understand. Taehyung was always so kind, how could he be bad?

-Listen kid- Jeongguk's father sighs and moves the laptop to the side a bit- You don't have to be asking questions. You're still too young to understand this all, I know. Daddy just wants what's best for you. Maybe Taehyung looks like a sweet boy and maybe he seemed like a good friend, but trust me, Jungkook, appearances are deceptive. You might think I'm cruel now, but you will thank me later, I promise you that. Taehyung is a homo, he is rotten with sin. God hates people that sin. And if you would continue to be friends with him, you would change into a dirty, rotten creature, just as him. You wouldn't even realize it, when the devil would be already under your skin, biting it with it's sharp teeth. It would be very, very painful. I don't want you to get hurt. This is all I care about. You will always be my sweet angel, while he stays a demon.

...

Maybe Jungkook's father was right all along. The presence of Taehyung made Jungkook dirty, again. Tae was muddling in his head, making him make irrational decisions. But this time Taehyung couldn't be blamed. He wasn't bad, Jungkook knew it. He was hurt, deeply.

It was just Jungkooks fault. Everything was his fault. And this was his sin that was filling his guts up. Finally, after all these years of denying the truth he had to acknowledge it. 

...

-Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been 3 months since my last confession-Jungkook says quietly kneeling by the confessional-My sins are:I cursed. I didn't respect my parents and my teachers. I didn't pray daily. 

There's a break after that. This is it. This is what God wants. This is what God needs.

-I...-he starts-I touched myself, intimately... Uh.... Thinking a-about another man. I also had sinful thoughts about... another man-his voice breaks and breaks and he can't control it anymore. 

He's scared. Naked. Bad.

God is scary. God hates him. God is disgusted with him.

"God hates people that sin."- his fathers words were carved in his brain, thudding loudly.

-I'm sorry for these and all my sins- he ends the sentence in one breath, seeing only black in front of his eyes for a second. Maybe it's better like that, this way he can't see the, surely, disgusted face on the priest. 

-Son, you have sinned, but remember, God loves you-says the man on the other side

This isn't true. God doesn't love him. He never did.

God has abandoned him.

-You shouldn't have thought about a man like that. This is not what God wants. It is hard to control our thoughts at times of crisis but God will help you and lead you through it. God will still love you but in the future try to control your actions more. Your penance is to say the Litany to the Divine Mercy. 

-My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. in choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against You whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with Your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In his name, My God, have mercy.

-God, the Father of mercies, through the death and the resurrection of His Son has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Make the sign of the cross and close with Amen.

-Amen.

When Jungkook walks out of the church he still feels bad. Even though God, apparently forgave him for his sins he still felt heavy. 

"God hates people that sin"

Was he rotten?

"Taehyung is a homo, he is rotten with sin."

Was he a disappointment?

"You won't disappoint God, like a good boy you are."

Was he... gay?

"God abhors people like them, do you understand?"

It surely wasn't normal to have two sexual incidents with a male in his head. It wasn't normal the first time and Jeongguk swore that it was all because of his sexual frustration , but what was the case in here? He never thought about man in that way before. He wasn't sexually aroused when he was changing at the gym. He never looked at his friends with any sort of desire. He slept with several girls never had double thoughts about it. He never thought something could have and would have change. He never thought he could be abnormal. It was too short of a time period for him to suddenly change into a homo, right? But why didn't he get hard with Joy, why did he touch himself while thinking of Taehyung, why did he watch a gay porno and enjoyed it? 

It was a crisis for him. And who was the best person to go to in such a moment?

Yoongi.

Jungkook didn't even realize when he intuitively went straight to his house from the church. He was just suddenly standing there, on the porch, knocking on the door. He was shaking, even though it was warm outside.

-Oh, hi Jungkook, what are you doing here?-Yoongi looked a bit surprise at the sight of him

-Something is wrong with me-this is the only thing he could come up with

-Come on in-said Yoongi with his eyebrows knitted in worry

Sitting there, on the same bed with the same beige covers reminded Jungkook of the last talk they had there. The talk about sexual frustration. The talk about Jungkook possibly wanting to bang Kim Taehyung. It was all too much. Jungkook swore to God that this was all wrong. That Yoongi was never right. That Jungkook was a normal boy, with God on his side. So why was heaven suddenly fighting against him?

-So....? What's up Ggukie?- Yoongi ends the silence ringing Jungkook in the ears

-I think, I might be gay-says Jungkook, eyes glued to the wall in front of him

There it is, the confession of the sin. My God, have mercy.

Yoongi gasps.

-Oh

Oh. Indeed. Jeongguk feels guilty. So incredibly guilty he could scrape his own eyes out with his bare hands.

-How so suddenly? Did something happen?-Yoongi continues, trying to approach the topic as delicately as he can. 

There's a ticking bomb inside of Jeongguk and one sudden move might destroy it all.

-Ye-ah-Jeongguk's voice breaks from a sudden sob-A lot had happened-his voice is screechy, fragile

Yoongi rushes his hand on Jeon's back, stroking it softly.

-It's okay, you can tell me. Don't cry, baby. What had happened?

-I'm a sinner, aren't I?-Jeongguks face suddenly changes into ugliness

-Shhhhh...- Yoongi hushes him, pulling the crying boy towards himself-You are not a sinner. Don't think of yourself in that way

-But dad said...

-Fuck what he said- Min orders-He's not here, don't think about him.

And that's when Jungkook can't take it anymore. He tries to get a grip on himself but he can’t breathe.

Dad. His authority, his creator, his God. Fuck what he said???

"What has gotten into you? I don't recognize you, son."

He doesn't recognize himself either. 

He can't breathe. He's suffocating. He curls into a ball, grasps on his hair and tugs on them hard. And it should be better, right? Why is it not? Why are his lungs still burning like they're filled up with lava. Oh god, they burn so fucking much. 

Over the years, Jeongguk has put all his problems in drawers in his head to keep it all piled up and organized, and now he wonders where did all this mess come from? It's all spilling out of him, staining everything black and dirty.

He was supposed to be someone. He was supposed to get into Yonsei, find a wife, eat four meals a day. 

He had a bright future, chances, possibilites, but he destroyed it all with one thought. He thought about a boy in the most repulsive, repellent way the earth has ever seen.  

It was dark in front of his eyes and in the darkness he was the small little Jungkook again, so pathetically crying in front of his father. He was stuck in this darkness alone with the ghosts of his past with no way out. 

"-O-okay daddy. 'M sorry... So sorry I'm not going to be friends with Taetae anymore. I don't want God to hate me"

God hated him and it was unbearable. Can he peel the skin off his face as a penance? Is this enough? Would it be enough? 

Would it ever be enough?

Floating. Jeongguk was floating. All he was aware of was bitter numbness. His head hurt.

Jungkook dosen't remember the last time he had an episode this bad. 

—guk! Jeongguk!-the voice breaks through the surface of water in which jeongguk is drowning

-Ggukie can you look at me?-Everything feels static when Jungkook reopens his eyes. Yoongi's hands are on him. On the shoulder, on the face, brushing the strands of hair from his face, stroking his head. The touch is warm and  familiar.

He is so weak and pathetic. It seems all so logical to him why his parents are disappointed in him. Why he was never enough. 

-Can we pelase talk about it? Baby I'm so worried about you-Yoongi whispers quietly-Will it be okay? We can figure all of this out okay? There's nothing to be scared of, I promise you

But there is. There is so much to be scared of. God, his father, the society. 

Jeongguk straightens up a bit, trying to put himself together. Well, he didn't come in here just to cry in Yoongi's arms. He needs someone to talk this all out. So he decides to be honest.

-I... Uh-It doesn't come easy to talk about stuff like that. Jeongguk never talked with his friends much about sexual topics. Even when he fucked girls from tinder, he kept the details to himself. And it was especially weird to talk about him possibly being... gay?-Well... I kind of... Um... had some thoughts

-About a boy?

-Yeah... And it all feels so wrong, because you know me. And you know how I always felt about people like that. 

-For how long have you had those thoughts?

-I don't know, maybe a month? Am I faggot now?

-Don't use that word, please... You know, thoughts are nothing to be ashamed of. We often think of weird things and it's completely normal to have occasional thoughts like that. We are still teens, we are supposed to explore right? I don't know, it doesn't particularly indicate of your sexual identity. If that's what you worry about, you shouldn't overthi...

Yoongi doesn't have time to end his sentence when Jungkook blurts out a fast:

- I jerked off thinking about Taehyung

He said it. There's no way to unsay it now. 

-You... What?

-Don't make me repeat myself, please. This is all embarrassing enough.

-Oh, yeah. Sure, of course. It's nothing to be ashamed of

-It is a sin. God said so himself

-I don't think it is. How could loving someone be bad?

-If God said so, it must be bad

-But it's not like you hurt anyone

-I've hurt Taehyung before. Many times

-But loving him wouldn't hurt you. I think it would do you good

-Don't say something like that. Don't make me delusional. It is a sin and sinners go to hell. God hates them

-God loves people. Isn't it, like, the main thing about Catholicism? That God is fair and loving? And that people should love each other as they love themselves?

-God is fair. He rewards for good and punishes bad. And sins, such as homosexuality are bad and need to be punished. Dad always said that it was an abnormality, that God abhors people like that

-You really care about that God, don't you?

-The most 

-You know I respect that. It's just, I think that nothing bad would happen if you try, at least. You could be friends with Taehyung, right?

-I can't

-Why not?- the question is easy, yet so hard to answer

 Because when they were friends in the past the only thing Jeongguk did was hurt Taehyung. Because Jeongguk's father hated their friendship. Because God didn't approve of it.

-My father. He forbid me. 

-He doesn't need to know. We're all almost adults. In a few months we will all be off to college and you won't have to worry about your father's opinion anymore

-I hurt him

-You can always apologize, make it up to him.

-I don't know if I have the courage. I did so many bad things in life, yet I'm still such a coward

-Take your time. I promise you, you will feel so much better when you're just honest with him. In other way, it will probably just eat you up

-I don't know. It's all messed up

-That's how life is. You just have to accept it. 

-Do you think... That I'm disgusting?

-What? No, of course not. Being gay, or bi, or whatever you want to be is completely okay. You are still my little Jungkookie. What has changed is the fact that you finally have the courage to talk about your feelings out loud. I'm so proud of you

"proud"-how lovely is that

-R-really?

-Yes. And I want you to know that I will always support you. No matter what decision you will make. 

...

When Jeongguk comes back home there's still a lot on his mind. It's better than it was before the talk with Yoongi but he still doesn't feel completely relieved There's a big dissonance happening in his mind and he can't figure this all out. 

He had always tried to be a good boy. Why did God decide to oppose him? Why was he so tempted to sin? Was it okay to sin? Of course it wasn't. This was his moment of doubt and it shouldn't happen anymore. He won't touch himself with a thought of a man anymore. Never. He will never oppose to God anymore. 

But maybe becoming friends with Taehyung wouldn't be so bad after all?

Chapter Text

Coming out of money is extremely lonely. Jeongguk wished, more people would know about this. Fancy cars, luxury yachts and designer clothes might give people pleasure but it is all temporary. Money goes away, clothes get worn out, and phones get obsolete. It's just a matter of time before everything that matters now changes and suddenly there's nothing left. Suddenly you have to create your persona once again. 
Jeongguk never actually wanted any of it. He didn't want a stake in his father's company or the new iPhone. The only thing he ever wanted was to have a family. And this was the only thing he could never have.
It was Jeongguk's 19 birthday today and nobody cared. 
No text, no call from his parents. They probably forgot, as they usually do. It was no surprise, but yet Jeongguk still felt a bit disappointed. He had hoped that maybe, just maybe, his parents would stay in town for this occasion but this was too much to ask for. They didn't have time for such events, certainly didn't have time for him. 
Jungkook rarely even saw them. They were home for only a week a month.
 As time passed, Jeongguk realized that he was slowly forgetting his parents' faces. When he closed his eyes, there was not much left, only a blurred blob of a beige colour. It was sad, but not something that shocked him. 
Jeongguk stopped caring about his birthday a long time ago. He got used to getting nothing. He didn't tell any of his friends the date, even went all the way to delete it from all his social media. Birthdays were no fun, in fact, they only made him cry. Why was he even born if no one cared about it?

A week has already passed since the therapeutic session at Yoongi's. Nothing particularly changed, maybe the fact that Jeongguk started waving Taehyung a hello and occasionally smiled at him. Again, Jeongguk and Taehyung were no rom-com characters and one realization wouldn't suddenly change Jeongguk's whole behaviour. After all, he was still a dirty sinner, who promised God to never sin again.

Why was everything so damn complicated? Why couldn't Jungkook just be normal and have a simple, normal life? 
Once again Jeongguk started crying. It has never been that bad in his life before, but recently he had one mental breakdown after another. It was all so tiring but he just couldn't help it. He felt so helpless and lost in it all. Life was too overwhelming and there was nothing he could do about it. Not that he tried changing anything, because what could he change? He tried being a good son but it didn't pay off. He tried being a good student, but it never worked out. He even tried to be a good friend, but he was just miserable at everything. 

 The only thing Jungkook wished for was to get some time from his parents and a bit of attention. It would be so nice to sit together on the couch, watch a series wrapped in a blanket and eat a store-bought cake, wouldn't it? It would be so, so nice to hear his parents say" happy birthday son, we are glad you're alive". 
It would definitely be nice, but Jeongguk realized that he didn't deserve any nice moments in life.
When he finally stops crying and blows his nose, he looks in the mirror and sighs in disapproval. 
He looked like shit. Straight-up shit. Washing his face under the sink also didn't make much difference. His eyes were still awfully red and a bit puffy from all the tears. 
-Pull yourself together, Jeongguk. This is your birthday. You can't make a fool out of yourself again
He had to do something out of today. This was still a kind of a special day to him, even though he had no one to spend it with.
 This should be HIS day, and he shouldn't cry about it. Instead, he should do something fun for himself. Jungkook decided that the best option for spending this evening was by going to a club and getting a bit wasted. But the state of his face made him even more miserable than before.  
Think, Jungkook, think. What could he do about his face? Jeon combed his hair and put a bit of gel in it.  While he was putting an SPF cream on his face a certain thought appeared in his head.
What does his mom put on her face every day to look better? Obviously, it was makeup. 
Should he? Should he also put on a tiny bit of makeup? Wasn't it too unmanly? Maybe if he did, he would look more handsome. Maybe his father would say he looks representatively? He was arguing with himself mentally. Would this be considered gay? Not really. It would make him look less insane and more mentally stable, right? He wouldn't go all the way to look like a drag queen. Only a bit of concealer and foundation, maybe some blush? It can't be that bad after all, right?
-Ah, fuck it-he says under his breath
He goes to his parent's room and sits at his mother's vanity. He rummages in the drawers for a while looking for something that catches his eye. 
Okay, a concealer.
-Nice shade- he thinks to himself smearing the beige liquid under his eyes. He blends it in with a finger. Okay, this doesn't look too bad right? He also puts a bit of powder, blush and highlighter on his cheeks and some mascara on his lashes. 
Yeah, this makes a difference. He looks good, great even. Why was he so scared of all of this? He doesn't look any less like a man than before, but at least there are no signs of him crying only a few minutes ago. The only thing that bothers him are the red eyes, but there's not much he can do about it. 
When he is finally satisfied with the way he looks, he gets changed from his PJs (yes, Jeongguk again didn't have the motivation to get dressed in the morning so he had stayed the whole day in the same, grey sweatpants and a white Tshirt). The outfit he puts on is rather casual- some ripped jeans, a flannel shirt and a leather jacket. There's no one he has to impress. He was going to the club to have a bit of fun and to finally stop thinking about everything that was going on in his mind. He still didn't feel comfortable hooking up with anyone, as his last hook-up mission failed miserably and ended in him wanting to chop his dick off. Well, there's no need to make things even worse than they already are. 

...

When Jungkook enters the club, he regrets his decision straight away. He hates the loud music, hates the smell, hates the sight of people making out in the corner. 
-Come on, Jungkook, give it a try- he reprimands himself in his head and walks to the bar, located in front of the entry. He sits on a black stool and orders a whiskey on the rocks. He feels like an old businessman from the movies, whose drinking to forget about his wife cheating on him. Jeongguk on the other hand is drinking to forget about him being born and him becoming a faggot. It was a lot to digest, but the bitter burn of alcohol running down his throat gave him some kind of solace in it. 
Jeongguk was never a drinker. He didn't drink nearly as much as all his friends did. Alcohol had too many calories and this fact of it always left him guilty and sad.  He had to burn those calories off and eat a balanced meal after. But there were times when he needed it. This was one of those times. The first glass of the high-quality whiskey isn't enough for Jeongguk. He orders another one straight after he finishes the first one. Waiting impatiently he plays with his phone, scrolling through social media. Most of his friends have a great time, meanwhile, he is sitting here, all alone, drinking like an alcoholic. On his own birthday, he was all alone. And as he is thinking of the bitter reality he feels someone tapping light on his left shoulder. Jeonggukturns his head in the same direction and when he does the world stops for a good second. Suddenly, when he spots the pair of brown eyes, looking directly at him everything turns absolutely silent. Jeongguk's lips open up and it’s like being yanked out from under the water and taking that first desperate gasp of air. Jungkook's gaze turns a bit blurry. Maybe it's the buzz in Jeongguk's veins that slows the time down but he still can't comprehend what is going on here and why is Kim Taehyung standing in front of him with a similarly shocked face as his. 

-Jeongguk?

Chapter Text

-Jeongguk?-says Taehyung out loud with a quesioning tone
What is Jeon Jeongguk doing here, alone? Didn't he have a ton of friends to spend this evening with? How come he is sitting here in front of him with a totally shocked expression on his face.
Well, Taehyung was equally as surprised as he was. He didn't expect the hot guy sitting at the bar who he decided to approach to be Jeon fucking Jeongguk. He would have never imagined this scenario to happen. But it did happen just now.
-Um-Jungkook clears his throat- yeah, that's me- he laughs awkwardly as if he didn't know how to react
-What are you doing here?-Taehyung asks curiously
-Well, drinking
Obviously. Taehyung cringes at his own stupid question. Why did he even ask him that?
-Yeah, I mean... All alone? What, are you some sort of alcoholic?-Taehyung laughs
but Jungkook doesn't smile back at the comment. His gaze rather saddens. He looks down at his shoes
-I'm just kidding, relax. Wanna drink something together? If you don't mind, of course
-Actually, I'd love to. 
Wow, that was easy. Taehyung would have never imagined that Jungkook would have actually agreed to this. Well, that's another shocker of the night. He sits down trying to look unfazed next to the other boy on a bar stool.
-Is this whiskey?- he asks making a grossed-out face
-Yeah?-answers Jungkook with a questioning look on his face
-God, you're so old
-What are you talking about?
-Who in their right mind drinks whiskey if they're not over 40
-It's classy
-It's boring. So many drinks on the menu and you drink this? 
-Okay, if you're such a cocktail connoisseur, recommend me something then, huh?- Jungkook teases
-You bet-he winks at the other
What has happened to him? Since when was Taehyung so bold in front of Jungkook. Not that long ago Jungkook has been brutally beating him up, making him sweat from anxiety. And now he was offering to drink together, joking and winking at him? Shouldn't he be frightened and angry? Why couldn't he respond normally by walking away the first moment their eyes met? This would be a normal reaction, right? This was, what he should have done. But he couldn't. He physically couldn't bring himself to hate Jungkook. It was impossible for him. There was no logical explanation, but he just couldn't hate him for anything he had done. He was his weak point, definitely. 
Taehyung orders two strawberry margaritas for both of them, and when they get served they both drink it in a blink of an eye. They order another drink, and another, talking and forgetting about the time that passed. 
Their tongues get loose with the time passing by. It's light and pleasant. Taehyung thinks it's like when they were kids, like when they were best friends when everything was okay. When he could say Jungkook everything and they would hug and giggle about it. There was a big difference though. They weren't friends anymore, they barely knew each other. And they were also grown men, adults even. They weren't playing with marvel figures now but drinking liquor. Nothing was the same, but it still felt like it to Taehyung. 
-God, I'm so drunk. We have to stop, Taetae-exclaims Jungkook dizzily
"Taetae"-the nickname he used to call him. The sound of it makes Taehyung shiver. Oh god, it feels like the sweet past. The past that should be left behind, but they both can't stop digging into it. 
-Wanna go for a walk? I think I need some fresh air
-Yeah, me too
-Wait, let me close the tab-says Taehyung, looking for the barman
-What? No way, you're paying for all this
-Of course, I am
-It's like 200 dollars
-Yeah, and?
-Let me pay for you
-No way, I can pay, really
-Please-Jungkook makes sweet eyes- I'm paying for you
And who would Taehyung be to refuse him? So he sits there with a slightly open mouth looking at the other, as he pays contactless with his black card. 
"He's still so pretty"-Taehyung thinks, observing Jungkook for a second 
-You ready?-Jungkook asks and that brings Taehyung back to earth
Oh, God. How long has he been staring at him? Did he make it awkward? 
-Ye... Yeah- he stutters and flushes
Jungkook holds out his hand in Taehyungs direction. He looks at it questioningly with glistening eyes. 
-Should we go then?-adds Jungkook 
Oh, that's what he means. Taehyung takes the other boy's hand hesitantly. Why is Jungkook suddenly so nice to him? It didn't make any sense. Maybe it was because of the booze and the fact, that they are both a bit drunk and pinkish on the face from the alcohol? Yeah probably.
They leave the noisy bar and when the door closes behind them shut, the cold wind hits Taehyung's face immediately. He even closes his eyes for a split second breathing in the fresh air. 
-Where do you wanna go?-asks Jungkook suddenly
-Let's wander a bit, shall we?-Taehyung answers
-Sounds good to me- says Jungkook, smiling warmly at him, eyes glistening 
God, he could fall in love with him, right here, and right now. 
They go for a walk through Seoul. It's beautiful, Taehyung can't even describe it with words. The streets illuminated by neon lights coming from bars and clubs look absolutely beautiful, almost poetic. They walk from one street to another and Tae can't take enough of this. He feels as if his insides were filled with a new fresh sensation. As if he didn't have maggots dying in there anymore. As if everything has been healed. And he should scold himself for such thoughts because this was Jeon Jeongguk, the person who hurt him the most out of all the people on earth. The person that made him suffer for years, the person who left him alone so many times before. And also, the person who made him gay. He should have run away, hidden from him, and destroyed every memory of him, but he couldn't. He desperately needed to be closer and closer, even if it meant it would hurt him eventually. 
He was all exposed, so easy to break, so easy to destroy. But he still felt at peace because how could Jungkook turn into a monster again? How could he hurt him if he was so pretty and gentle? Why would he hurt him now?
They wander without any specific purpose. They just let their legs lead them. But eventually, they both take the route familiar to both of them. It's pitch black outside and in this region, there are little to no street lamps but they manage to go without stumbling once. When they arrive at the destination they both realize where they are. It's their kindergarten. Without a specified destination, they subconsciously return back here, where it all started. It feels like a magnet had pulled them here, again. Digging up the past, they both try so hard to forget.
-Let's break in-suggests Jungkook, pointing at the hedge leading to the garden
-You sure? It's illegal and stuff
-Ah, please don't bullshit me with this now. You sound just like my dad-Jungkook mocks as he already climbs the fence
Taehyung doesn't leave him standing for long so he also pulls himself over the hedge and when he's jumping over it, his jacket gets stuck and he loses balance. He almost lands on his face if it wasn't for Jungkook who catches his arm at the last moment, pulling him up. There's a ripping sound and Taehyung feels the leather jacket getting destroyed. 
-FUCK-he yells
-Shhh, don't be so loud-Jungkook hushes him and starts laughing
-What are you laughing about, this is all your fault. Stupid fucking ideas- Taehyung rolls his eyes 
-Yeah, I know. It's just funny seeing you making a backflip over a 2-meter fence
-Ah, shut up-Taehyung also starts laughing
It is indeed so idiotic. He tries not to think much about it, instead, he straightens his clothes and looks with a sad face at the big hole in his jacket. 
-I will cover for it-Jungkook suggests
-What?-Taehyung asks confused
-For the jacket
-Why? Do you find me poor or something? Is that the case? -Taehyung exclaims aggressively
Jungkook's eyes lose clarity for a second
-What-his voice breaks- I thought you said that it was my idea? I thought that I should make it up to you
-It seems to me that you just want to show off that you come out of money 
-I don't-his words seem sincere, and Taehyung starts to doubt himself-I never wanted to show off-he turns sad, almost lethargic
Taehyung feels guilty. He reaches to grab his hand and says quietly:
-I'm sorry
Jungkook looks up at him
-You shouldn't be
-I really should. I feel like every time words come out of my mouth, I keep hurting you. I didn't know you were sensitive about it
-It's okay. I'm just a huge mess-says Jungkook with tears glowing in his eyes
-You're not alone in this- Taehyung smiles comfortingly 
-But I feel like I am. I have been alone for most of my life. Coming out of money is extremely lonely
The sudden confession makes Taehyung shiver. Wow, so that's what it's like. This is what a rich kid feels? He would have never imagined. He thought that Jungkook had many friends, many parties to attend, and many family vacations. It was really surprising to see him all alone at the bar today but he didn't want to comment on that. But now when Jungkook admits it, it actually seems as lonely as his own life. 
-You're not alone today
They smile at each other and this feels like a moment before a kiss. The moment in films, when the lead couple is standing close, bodies almost touching, lips almost crushing together. It feels like that but it doesn't happen. Neither of them do the first move because this shouldn't happen. It's not a film, and they are not a happy couple. They are theoretically speaking just classmates, that shared, a rather, confusing past. 
-Happy birthday, Jungkook- Taehyung adds and he sees Jungkook's face turn into shock
Yes, of course, he knew about it. They were best friends in the past and Taehyung had a good memory of dates. He knew all along, that's why it was so surprising to see Jungkook alone and not having the time of his life at Sehun's or whatever. He didn't know how to approach the topic before so he just stayed quiet.
-Thank you-there's a break after that- You're the first one today
It all seems so surreal. There's no way he was the first one to say 'happy birthday' to Jungkook, right? This was impossible. Even if he didn't spend time with his friend or family, there must have been at least one person who said it before. But Jungkook's words sound so sincere and hurt. Taehyung doesn't know what to think about all of this. 
After that, they decide to lie on the ground for a bit and watch the stars. It's quiet but also extremely peaceful. Taehyung could actually fall asleep right now but he manages to keep his eyes open. He doesn't want to forget this moment. He wants it carved in his memory forever, because, this feels just like the old times. And it feels like home. Like all his worries evaporated and have been replaced with calmness and comfort. 
It's getting colder and colder and Taehyung starts shaking because of it. He tries not to acknowledge it because he's too afraid this moment would come to an end. Now the only warm sensation is located on his left hand glued together with Jungkook's. They both forgot that they were holding hands the whole time. 
-We should get going. It's getting late-Jungkook says after a while and Tahyungs hurt breaks a little
Of course, they have. It's almost 3 am and it's absolutely freezing. But Taehyung could stay here forever. But he would be delusional to think this wouldn't have an end. All the good things in his life have an end, sooner or later. Mainly sooner though. 

...

They are standing by Taehyung's home around 3:30. Jungkook insisted on walking him home, and Taehyung couldn't protest. He didn't have the heart. And as they were standing there, in front of the white building Taehyung is the one to make the first move. He hugs Jungkook gently and whispers
-Bye Ggukie, hope you had a good birthday
He feels the other one tense up under his touch but he doesn't push him away. They're standing stiffly for a moment and Taehyung is already about to walk onto his porch when he hears:
-Thank you, Taehyung. It was great
They smile at each other and Taehyung enters his home. His parents are gladly asleep this time so he exceptionally isn't greeted by a kick in the stomach. When he's locked in his room Taehyung just then realizes how drunk he still is and how much courage it gave him today. It doesn't feel bad at all. 
After all, Jungkook didn't change that much.

Chapter Text

Jeungguk was a changed man. This was what he was thinking, stepping into school on Monday. The remnants of his past violence, once a dark stain on his life, were gradually being washed away. He was becoming a good human being.
Well let's start from the beginning. He didn't hate Taehyung anymore, which was a big milestone already. He didn't hate him, because turns out, there was not much in him to hate. Taehyung stayed the same Taehyung, Jungkook met in kindergarten. He was the same light-spirited person, caring and kind. It was unsettling for Jungkook, because, well, he changed, a lot. He changed many times because it was required of him. His father wanted him to change, again and again. And Jungkook did as he pleased. But yet, when he changed himself up to the core it still wasn't really enough. There were still things lacking in him. A lot of things, actually. Growing up in a household where expectations were so high and emotional expression was discouraged, he learned to suppress his feelings and put on a façade of strength.
This is why Jeongguk was now actually jealous of Taehyung, for who he was, for that he stayed himself through all these years.
Meeting up with Taehyung on his birthday, also occurred in Jungkook's subtle shift in his perspective. It made Jungkook wonder, that maybe, just maybe the old "Kookie" is there, somewhere. If Taehyung is still the same "Taetae" Maybe he could dig himself up again and bring this kind side of himself back to life. This was his plan for now. To become kind, or at least kinder than he was before and at least towards Taehyung. Jeungguk got an inner feeling that he deserved it. Taehyung in particular. After all the pain he had been through because of him. This was the right thing to do.
The first step towards becoming a changed person was smiling and waving Taehyung a good morning when he spotted him sitting by his desk at school. The other sent him a hesitant smile back, almost as if he thought Jungkook didn't mean it to him and rather to a person sitting behind or next to him. That's why Jungkook decided to add a :
-"Hi Taehyung"
Well this was a bit unusual for Gguk to say. Not a bit, this was absolutely unusual for him, that's why some people looked in his direction, trying to sense out if it was said in an ironic manner. It wasn't and Jungkook really wanted to communicate it so he smiled even wider. But this probably made the opposite effect because now, he was standing there, in the middle of the classroom with a horrendous expression on his face, with his big eyes and a huge smile. When he realised how he might look now, he automatically flushed and quietly sat at his desk trying not to make a fool out of himself again.
Well, he was new at these things. New in making friends, new in being kind to others, new in showing others true interest.
The lesson starts and Jungkook tries to be as active as ever, subconsciously looking for praise from others. Looking for a " oh look, Jeon Jeongguk is a good person now". All this definitely wasn't that easy. He couldn't change everything just like that, because he felt like it. Deep down he knew it would be a big journey for him but Jungkook never was patient, he wanted results now, not tomorrow. So when he answered out of hurry that in the equation the cosinus equalled to -2 the whole class started laughing. Jungkook's face instantly turned red, because, fuck? It was a dumb, human mistake, of course, but everyone around found it extremely funny, that Jungkook, the Jeon Jeongguk scoring a perfect GPA made such a silly mistake.
When he turned around the class in shame wanting to see who was laughing at him, he spotted 2 brown eyes staring right into his soul. It was Taehyung. He wasn't laughing like the other, on the contrary, he was smiling at him. His smile was warm and caring. It made Jungkook feel... well weird. Again. His stomach made a sudden flip and it was just so, so weird. There were no other words to describe the feeling except, yeah "weird". Taehyung didn't look at him with any sort of disgust or shame, his gaze was actually really soft, pure, and kind. Taehyung's unwavering kindness was not just a surface-level trait; it seemed to stem from a deep well of understanding and empathy. It all made Jungkook forget about the embarrassing thing he just said. It was as if he was whispering to his ear "It's okay Kookie, you still did great". As if there was nothing or no one important around him. Just Jungkook, Taehyung and his sweet smile. So he smiled back and quickly looked away, face flushed. He didn't dare to look at Taehyung again for the rest of the class. He also didn't dare to talk back to the teachers. He was too flustered about the whole encounter. When the bell rang Gguk sighed with relief. Finally.

Throughout the day, Jungkook couldn't get Taehyung's smile out of his mind. It was like a beacon of warmth that cut through the shadows of his doubts and insecurities. Taehyung's simple gesture of kindness had a profound effect on Jungkook, and he found himself eager to encounter Taehyung again, hoping for more of those genuine smiles.
It all seemed weird that such a small expression could brighten his day. That it could have such a huge impact on his actions.
At lunchtime, Jungkook decided to take another step in changing from the inside. He mustered up the courage to approach him in the canteen, where he found Taehyung sitting alone at a table, engrossed in a book. Jungkook took a deep breath, mentally rehearsing what he would say, and then walked over to the table. While moving, he felt the world spinning in his head, because fuck, he never would have imagined that he would ever do such a thing. To go and talk to the one and only Kim Taehyung out of his own will. It felt like the roles suddenly switched. That now HE was being afraid of the other. HE was being intimidated by him.
"Hey, Taehyung," Jungkook greeted him, trying to sound as casual as possible. He wondered if the other could sense out how scared and panicked he truly was. Was it visible that his hands, buried in his pockets were shaking uncontrollably? Could Taehyung see that there have been drops of cold sweat on his temples now? Jungkook felt exposed, naked even. He felt as if Taehyung could see right through him, read out every little thought of his. Will he respond kindly, give him a similar smile as in the classroom or maybe he will just laugh in his face? He probably made such a fool out of himself just standing here and starting a conversation. What was he thinking? That after beating this kid up for years, he could just go and say " Hi" like nothing really happened, like the past never mattered? This was such a naive way of thinking, Jungkook scolded himself in the brain.
Taehyung looked up from his book, his eyes widening in surprise. "Oh, hey, Jungkook," he replied, closing the book and placing it aside. His words came out neat, maybe a little bit hesitant, but Jungkook couldn't sense any mockery in it. "What's up?"
Jungkook hesitated for a good moment, feeling the weight of his past actions on his shoulders, but he decided to push those thoughts away. He came all here to talk so he needs to do as he planned, right? He wanted to change. Really. He wanted to be a better person, and reaching out to Taehyung was a step in the right direction. A huge step.
"I was wondering if you'd like some company," Jungkook said, gesturing to the empty seat across from Taehyung. It came out smooth, almost as if he didn't just start biting the inside of his mouth out of stress. He was so desperately trying to hide, how overstimulating this whole conversation was to him
A soft smile graced Taehyung's lips as he nodded. "Sure, I'd love that."
Jungkook sat down, and God, now what? What should he say now? So Jungkook started blabbing about school, the prior lesson, his grades, and the weather. Their conversation was different than the one at his birthday. It was way less deep because Jungkook felt different. He wasn't that confident now, without the alcohol. He needed a light talk, not to scare Taehyung out and not to scare himself out. He was still fresh in things like that. A couple weeks ago he hated this boy sitting across of him with a burning passion. See how things can easily change.
But as they talked, Jungkook discovered that Taehyung was not just a caring person, but he was also incredibly interesting. Taehyung had a unique way of looking at the world, and Jungkook found himself captivated by his words. Even when they talked about trivial things, and even tho Jungkook didn't know what topics to bring up, it was still captivating to hear Taehyung speak so freely with him.
As the conversation flowed, Jungkook felt his nerves ease. Taehyung didn't seem to hold any grudges against him for their brutal past, and that made Jungkook feel hopeful about himself. Maybe he actually was still the same old Kookie deep down his heart? And maybe becoming friends with a gay boy was not all that bad?