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Clarke’s confused to say the least when Bellamy arrives home from work with a little boutique paper shopping bag in one hand.
He works at the university. Life as a history lecturer doesn’t traditionally involve a lot of boutique shopping bags. And money’s a bit tight, between the recent pandemic and the new baby, so boutique shopping hasn’t really been a feature of their life lately.
“What’s in the bag?” She asks, only half-listening for the answer, as she tries to juggle making supper and listening to the baby monitor.
She’s still not a great cook, for the record. Bellamy’s better at it. But she’s had to learn, since he’s the one with the full-time job and she’s mostly at home, freelancing, being a new mom, and generally trying to be useful.
“Gift for you.” He says, holding it out towards her.
She frowns, looks up. He has her full attention now. She must have heard that wrong.
“What did you say?”
“I got you a gift. I know - I guess - it’s a bit silly. Impulsive.” He says, with a grin that says he knows that’s exactly the adjective she was thinking of. “But I was walking home through town and I saw this in a shop window and I just thought - I have to get that for Clarke.”
She’s really intrigued now. She pushes the pan of pasta sauce off the heat, because she learnt about three weeks after giving birth that even pasta sauce can burn when she’s an inattentive chef. She reaches for the bag, opens it up slowly. She has absolutely no idea what she’ll find in here.
Ah. It’s one of those boutique paper bags where the contents are wrapped in pink tissue paper. Great. So she still has no idea what it is, still needs to unwrap another layer.
She tears into the tissue paper and finds, of all things, a lemon print bikini.
“It’s a bikini.” She observes, a little flat.
“Yeah. Lemons, get it?” Bellamy prompts her.
“It’s a bikini and I gave birth eight months ago.” She points out, flatter still.
She’s seen celebrities online shed their baby weight in ten minutes, or so it seems. But she’s a real, normal woman, and she has not managed that at all.
“Yeah. But there’s no rule against moms wearing bikinis. And I think I got the right size - I think it’ll look great on you - but if it doesn’t, we can take it back. No big deal.” He says, in that soothing voice he uses when he can tell she’s freaking out about something, but she doesn’t believe she’s allowed to freak out, somehow.
She’s silent for a moment, frowning at the bikini. It is a pretty print. It’s sweet of Bellamy to buy her a silly lemon gift. And if any bikini is going to suit a body-conscious new mom, she thinks this is the one. It’s quite high-waisted and the top is robust, with proper underwires and full cups and everything.
He’s done pretty well. She ought to tell him that, and thank him, and give him a kiss for his trouble. But she’s too busy overthinking everything, because that’s what she does best.
“You should probably return it anyway. I don’t need a bikini.” She says, trying her hardest to be sensible and not get overexcited about the thought of having something new and cute for a change.
She has a baby. She has Gus with his little freckled cheeks and impish smile. That ought to be enough new and cute for anyone.
Bellamy is starting to look a very little bit hurt, now, and she doesn’t blame him. She’s being awful at accepting this sweet gift. She’s been pretty crummy in general these last few months. She’s beginning to wonder whether, maybe, she started trying to work again too soon after the baby.
She’s just so tired, damn it.
“OK. Here’s the deal.” Bellamy offers, reaching for her hand. “I’m going to tell you exactly why I bought this. You’re going to try it on. And if you still don’t want it when we’re through with both those things, I’ll return it tomorrow. Deal?”
“Deal.” She agrees. He knows her too well. He just presented a logical sequence of events, and she can’t argue with that.
“Great. So - first off, it has lemons on, I like getting you gifts, I think you’ll look cute in it. All those things I already said. But - I guess there’s more than that.” He takes a loud breath. “We haven’t had a vacation in ages. You’ve been working so hard between Gus and your commissions and for some reason you’ve started trying to do all the chores too. And - I know we can’t really go on vacation this year, so I thought why not bring a vacation to you? Here’s some cute summer beachwear with lemons on. But it looks practical for a bit of pool swimming too. I guess - I remembered you used to like going swimming sometimes before Gus, and we always swam together on vacations.”
She nods, lets all that sink in. He’s right. They haven’t had a vacation in years. There’s been a pandemic going on, and they decided to try for a baby, and money’s tight. She wouldn’t have her life any other way - she loves Gus, gets more joy from his smile than she ever will from a vacation.
But all the same, she’s tired. She’s exhausted, and she’s seen nothing outside of this town for months. Frankly, she’s barely seen anything beyond this house all week.
“That’s really thoughtful.” She tells him, because that much is certainly true. “Thanks. Really. It’s so pretty, and it’s so kind, and -”
She bursts into tears. She - calm, sensible Clarke Griffin - bursts into tears because her husband bought her a bikini.
She gives up. She admits defeat, reaches for a hug, cries against his shoulder for a moment.
“I think maybe a bikini with lemons on it is just what you need.” He whispers, rocking her slightly.
She gives a damp laugh. “Yeah. You might be right. Thanks - I’ll go try it on when I’ve finished soaking your shirt.”
…….
It fits perfectly.
It fits quite flatteringly, too. She knows other women with baby weight who own their newfound tummy curves, but she is not one of those women. She’s kind of nervous about her new size. So she feels quite safe with this high-waisted set that hides most of her stretch marks.
That’s fine and valid, she decides. She doesn’t have to feel confident about everything all the time.
Just for a moment, she stands before the mirror and has a long, loud sigh. Not because of the sight in the mirror. She’s quite happy with it, actually. Happier than she’s been with her own body for ages. It’s like Bellamy said - she can totally imagine herself wearing this to do a little casual swimming in the local pool.
But it’s a sigh because she never saw her life ending up here, when she was a young woman with a wealthy mother who’d planned out a successful future for her.
Yet she’s happy with every choice she made along the way. She wouldn’t change a thing - she’s content that she chose art over medicine, Bellamy over a single, predictable life, Gus over disposable income and vacations and free time.
It’s just that life is a lot, sometimes, even when she’s satisfied with her choices. Even when she couldn’t have chosen any different because love was leading the way - love of art, of Bellamy, of the family they’ve built together.
But that’s OK. That’s why it’s so precious to surround herself with good people like her husband, who picks her up and gives her a cuddle and even a bikini when the going gets tough.
That’s it. She’s there now, smiling at her reflection, checking out her new curves in her new swimsuit.
She’s going to take a moment or two just to smile at herself while she’s here, she thinks. She’s feeling pretty cute. And she knows Bellamy will be more than happy to spend a few minutes cooking dinner and keeping an eye on the baby.
…….
She keeps her next great adventure quiet from Bellamy until it actually happens.
It’s because she wants it to be a pleasant surprise for him, like that bikini was a pleasant surprise he arranged for her. Because she knows that what makes him happy more than anything is when the people he loves are happy, so she figures that this will make his day.
She arranges with their usual babysitter, Gaia, to take care of Gus just for a couple of hours on Thursday afternoon. She packs up her towel, her shampoo, and her new bikini, and sets off on a wild walk across town to the pool.
It’s not like the adventures she used to have, she thinks to herself with a smile. Once upon a time she flew to Europe alone to spend a summer farming lemons - and came home with the love of her life in tow. And now, the limit of her horizon is the local swimming pool.
But that’s fine. That’s a perfectly good adventure, for a new mom in a post-pandemic world. It’s the quality that counts, not the quantity, right? How much she enjoys herself is more important than the scale of the activity or the distance she travels.
She takes a selfie outside the pool, but she’s not quite happy with that one. She looks too calm and fully-dressed, she thinks - it’s not quite the exuberant swimwear selfie she wants to surprise her husband with while he’s at work.
She takes herself inside, gets on with changing. She says hello and excuse me and thank you to the strangers by the lockers. She swims a few lengths, does a few silly handstands along the way too. Gives herself permission to embrace a bit of whimsy for the first time in months.
This swimsuit isn’t exactly made for the fast lane, perhaps. It might be more at home on that Italian beach by the orchard where she first met Bellamy. But it’s perfectly serviceable - and she’s perfectly serviceable, baby weight or not.
All in all, she has a really good time. She’s tired but thoroughly happy by the time she climbs out of the pool.
That’s the selfie she sends her husband. She’s soaked through, hair dripping, smiling an exhausted smile - but this is the good kind of exhaustion, from an excursion and a bit of swimming, not working herself to the bone inside the walls of her own home.
She gets changed and sets out to reclaim her son from the babysitter. She’s missing him quite a lot, actually.
That was just the right amount of time to herself, and now she wants her Gus back in her arms.
…….
She gets a reply from Bellamy, a couple of hours later, presumably when he has a break between lectures.
Looking good. Proud of you xx
She grins down at her phone. He always gets it right, she thinks. He gets it right even when she doesn’t know what she needs - somehow, he does. Five little words, not the words she would have chosen, and yet they’re exactly what she needed to read.
And later that afternoon, in between tasks, she allows herself a fifteen minute break from her work and her chores and her childcare to search up local waterparks which are suitable for families with young children.
…….
That evening, when Bellamy comes home from work, it’s her turn to surprise him.
“We have plans this Saturday.” She informs him, as he walks into the kitchen. She’s decided not to bother trying to cook tonight. She’s chopped a few veggies, but Bellamy will be more than happy to be the one who turns them into supper. That’s teamwork at its best, she’s decided.
“We do?”
“Yeah. There’s a waterpark less than an hour from here which has family time every Saturday afternoon. We can borrow baby floats and everything. It’ll be like a very small one-afternoon vacation. There’s even an ice cream place on the drive home - it’s not quite gelato, but I think we’ll make it work.” She says. She’s done her research, because of course she has. She’s Clarke Griffin. Even tired and distracted and a few pounds heavier, she’s still very much her best self.
Bellamy leaps at her. There’s no other way of describing it. He’s got his arms flung around her neck, his lips pressed to hers, and he’s pulling her in for the fiercest kiss.
She relaxes into the familiar rhythm of it. They’ve done decently well at maintaining some physical intimacy through her pregnancy and then raising Gus in his first months. In fact, honestly, she thinks they’re doing remarkably well on a number of levels. Yes, sure, maybe they sometimes need to redistribute some chores and some happiness, but it could be worse.
“You’re awesome.” He tells her, utterly matter-of-fact, as he pulls away. “That sounds perfect. Our first big road trip with the little one. Do you think he’ll like swimming?”
“I read up on it. Apparently most little kids like being in water. We’ll figure it out. And this place is all set up for young families.”
“I bet you’ve written us an itinerary and everything.” He teases affectionately.
“Almost. I’ve already chosen what I’m having from the ice cream menu.”
That has them both laughing - and kissing a bit more, because more kissing is always a good idea.
“Thank you.” Clarke finds herself saying now. “Thanks for the bikini and for - I don’t know - helping me get out of the house and out of my head.”
“Any time. Love you.” He reminds her, with a light peck on the cheek.
“Love you too.”
“Come on. Supper can wait. We’re going to go sit on the couch and cuddle Gus and you’re going to show me all about this waterpark you’ve found.” He decides, dragging her from the kitchen by the hand.
She laughs. He’s still got that youthful, puppy-dog eagerness that characterised him even when they first met. She supposes she’s still got some of her old fierce, fiery attitude, too. That decisive way of getting things done. In the course of today she’s jumped from taking herself out on a little solo adventure to planning their first shared trip in years.
Yeah. She’s actually pretty proud of herself when she looks at it like that - and when she sees how happy she’s made Bellamy along the way.
She’s still chuckling warmly by the time she finds herself sitting on the couch, a laptop across her knees, while her husband snuggles close with their baby.