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They met each other too young, that's what Jeno tells himself. They were too young and too inexperienced, too childish. What twenty-year-old has the necessary tools to hold down a long-term relationship? That’s what he tells himself, mollifying the feelings that arise every time he allows his brain to travel back in time. Jeno isn’t sure if, given the chance, he would change anything. Because back then, Mark had meant more to him than anyone, anything. There’s something scarring about a first love though, Jeno has come to realise that now. All those first times, awkward kisses, stuttery I love you’s; they sit on the surface of his skin forever, refusing to go deeper, to disappear.
Especially the night when everything came to a crashing end:
Mark has him backed into a corner, I love you, why can’t you see that? His shoulders are hunched and his eyes are wide in frustration. Jeno feels like screaming, love me? How could you love me?! But it feels almost as if his throat is stuffed with cotton. He shakes his head, no. This isn’t love. This isn’t love, Mark, can’t you see?
The rain is pelting down heavily on the roof above them and the wind whistles loudly, blowing through the gap under the door - one of them must have left a window open somewhere. Jeno vaguely remembers something about a storm, but he can’t seem to pull the thin memory from his brain; he regrets turning the radio down this morning.
I love you so much it’s killing me, Mark continues mumbling empty words into Jeno’s neck with his right hand curled into a fist against the wall, his left hand grappling the hem of Jeno’s white shirt. It all feels more like hatred and contempt rather than love. You’re scaring me, you’re scaring me, you’re scaring me. Jeno’s eyes must be bloodshot, they hurt so much. His cheeks are puffy and red from what feels like hours of crying, yet he still doesn’t want this fight to come to an end, knowing what comes next. He can’t bear to allow Mark to turn around, open the shaking door and walk away, out of his life forever.
Mark pulls away from him, grabbing at his shoulders, nostrils flaring. Jeno can’t remember the specifics on how they got here. Lately, they were fighting over the smallest, silliest of things - Jeno shuts a door too loud and Mark’s hackles are rising. Mark leaves the light and fan on after leaving the bathroom and Jeno is mumbling petty words under his breath.
Is this what the end feels like?
Jeno has ended plenty of things. A few days before this argument, he ended some awful Netflix series, three episodes in. Just yesterday, he ended an hour-long phone call with his mom after getting the ‘your minutes are almost up’ message from his mobile network. But those were so tiny in comparison, Jeno had never ended a relationship.
Though here he stands, face to face with a three-year-long relationship, with the person he thought of as his person. He stares petty fights, first times and I love you’s in the face, and has no idea what to do.
So he deflates and surrenders.
Mark, noticing the shift in Jeno’s demeanour, takes a step back. Jeno can’t bear to look at him any longer, opting for staring down at his printed socks instead. He wiggles his toes and grinds his teeth. What now? They don’t teach you how to end a relationship in school.
Mark helps him out, for the first time in a long while: ‘This is it for us, isn’t it?’
This is it.
ᨐ
‘Do you think a cat slowly blinking at you genuinely means that they love you?’
What. ‘What?’
Four years ago, Jeno ended a relationship with the person he thought he would love until he became old and frail. Four years later, he’s sitting in a cafe with his friend of, going on, six months, Donghyuck. Donghyuck who buys hot chocolate only for the white marshmallows, Donghyuck who copies Jeno’s notes, and Donghyuck who recently dyed his hair bright orange — It’s a fashion statement, Lee Jeno. I wouldn’t expect you: Mr. Wears a different version of every single Adidas pants ever made each day, to understand — Jeno still thinks it looks gross and unsettling.
Donghyuck brushes him off, ‘just asking for a friend.’
If a cat blinks slowly at you does it mean that they love you? Jeno isn’t so sure.
‘It’s raining,’ he says instead.
Well done. No shit. Obviously. He knows exactly what his friend is going to say before he even says it.
When they met at the start of the semester, Jeno was sure he would never, not in a million years, speak to the loud adult-baby who announced their arrival into every room. That was until they were both early to class one morning and Jeno who really, truly is unable to sit in any form of uncomfortable silence for too long, just had to go and open his stupid mouth — the weather’s really shit today. Are you talking to me? Obviously, there’s nobody else here — and just like that, they were friends. Best friends, Donghyuck likes to say. Just friends, Jeno makes sure to remind.
‘Speaking of cats, don’t look now but the guy about to walk in looks like one seriously drenched kitty. Mee-ow.’
Jeno looks. He has to, much to his friend's dismay: I said don’t look. What the hell?! The person who enters the cafe has their hood up, but water drips from the wet strands of hair peeking out from underneath. Jeno feels his lips twitching at the sight. He turns back to Donghyuck, grinning.
‘You think he’s cute.’ Donghyuck says.
As if on cue, Jeno's eyes are rolling, I can't even see him.
‘You’re cute.’
Well done. No shit. Obviously. It’s always the same.
ᨐ
You have to get over that Mart guy sooner or later, Jeno. Jeno had tried correcting his ex's name, but Donghyuck only brushed him off with a yeah, so what, same thing. Jeno is over Mark, ask anyone! His mom will definitely have his back on this one. But his friend remains relentless, pushing his install Tinder agenda onto Jeno every chance he gets.
So Jeno caves. Of course he does. He’s a grown man with access to free apps, what’s he going to do? Not install them? That would be… whatever the opposite of sticking it to the man is.
So here he is, boiling the kettle, waiting for the app to install, and cursing his slow internet in the process. If it continues at this speed he’ll lose confidence, but thankfully once his coffee is made, the app is finally fully downloaded. He takes a seat at the kitchen table, ready to begin this new, somewhat pathetic journey.
Name: Jeno. Age: 24. Bio… he blanks. He leaves it empty for now, taking to filling out all the easier questions first. He finds his best selfies and just like that, he’s set up and ready to judge everyone based on their appearance. Isn’t this awful? He feels a twist of shame in his gut, but shakes it off. This is what all the cool kids are doing nowadays, he can almost feel Donghyuck’s loud groan rumbling through his ears.
With his radius set to within five kilometres, there isn’t much of a choice, but if he has to talk to anyone it’s probably better that they don’t live lightyears away. So he swipes both left and right for a while, the coffee in his cup slowly depleting as the minutes tick by. Truly it all begins to feel like a sort of game - left, right, right, left. This app seriously is so narrow-minded.
He’s ready to give up when his fingers twitch and his heart almost falls straight down and out of his ass. He has a close call with the super-like feature— Wait, super-like? What’s a super-like?!
‘Holy shit,’ he exhales, finally beginning to pay attention again, he sits up straight in his chair and— Woah. Woah. Hold on a second, whoever this person he almost came on too strong to is, they are veryvery pretty. Jeno clears his throat and rolls out his shoulders, carefully flicking through Jaemin, 23s pictures. And yeah, holy shit is right. This guy is an unbelievable amount of good-looking.
With a surge of confidence and a mix of panic, he swipes right. Then he closes the app and locks his phone. They didn’t match yet, but Jeno also only just installed the app fifteen minutes ago. He stands up, puts his cup in the sink, and turns off the kitchen light. With his phone on do not disturb, he heads to bed. Tinder thoughts subdued for the time being.
ᨐ
It’s a match! You and Jaemin have liked each other. Why not send a message and say hi?
Jeno doesn’t say hi. Truthfully speaking, he heads to his morning class and forgets all about the notification he had groggily woken up to.
‘Do you think it’s cruel for cats to be walked around on a leash like dogs? Quite frankly, I have mixed thoughts on the matter.’
Jeno looks out through the cafe window and up to the ominous sky above them. It’s not raining today, but it sure looks like it’s about to.
‘What’s with the cat obsession?’
Donghyuck likes to feign surprise, it’s his favourite pastime. He’ll widen his eyes and put a hand over his mouth, — you can’t act all high and mighty when you bite your nails, Hyuck. Okay, Mr. I piss protein shakes — it, amongst other things, always has Jeno rethinking their friendship.
‘Whatever do you mean?’ he bats his lashes while Jeno rolls his eyes, taking a sip of his lousy sugarless americano. The bell overhead the cafe door sounds and Donghyuck shifts in his seat, ‘well, well, well.’
Jeno turns around where he sits, watching as the new customer walks to the counter. They have their hood up, though Donghyuck still seems to know who they are.
‘Who is it?’
‘Mr. Pretty.’ Mr. Pretty?
Jeno shakes his head.
‘From last week? The one who looked like a little kitty-cat that went and fell headfirst into their water bowl.’
‘That’s oddly specific,’ says Jeno.
‘Yeah, well.’ Donghyuck shrugs, he cracks his knuckles, much to Jeno’s disdain, and speaks up again, ‘on a scale of one to I-want-to-put-a-baby-in-you, how pretty do you think he is?‘
Jeno guffaws. He seriously needs to give up on this friendship. Surely lent is coming around soon… though, of course, he hasn't attended mass since high school… maybe God would cut him some slack, just this one time?
His friend speaks up again, pulling Jeno from his thoughts, ‘can cats and dogs get along with one another?’
Jeno has no time to form any sort of response, not when his friend is up and out of his chair, marching over to the hooded stranger and bumping shoulders with them. Seriously, what is going on? And since when did Donghyuck know other people besides Jeno? Best friends my ass. Donghyuck comes back, sitting back down in front of Jeno with a stupid smile on his stupid face.
Jeno’s stare is stony when he says what?
‘What do you mean what?’ Donghyuck is seriously so annoying.
‘I mean: what did you do?’
Donghyuck grins and lazes back in his chair, picking up a baby spoon and stirring his, now marshmallow-less, hot chocolate.
ᨐ
Four years ago Jeno ended his only long-term relationship. Ever since then he has been alone, give or take a few dates and uneventful talking stages. He doesn’t have the guts to initiate conversations, — my soulmate will come to me. What if your soulmate is shy? Shut up, Hyuck — nor does he ever want to.
Now four years later, an I know you Tinder message from the pretty match, Jeno long forgot all about, has laid open on his phone screen for the past several minutes.
I know you. What could that even mean? I know you, I know you. Jeno tries plucking memories from his brain; he definitely never saw this guy in class, he would for sure remember a face like that. And if going to class and coming home is all Jeno ever does, how on earth could he know this guy? Pretty tinder matches should really just remain as pretty tinder matches, ignorance is bliss.
With shaky hands, he picks up his phone. Whatever, this is fine. So what if the only message he’s received from this shallow app so far is a somewhat threatening I know you.
that’s not creepy at all…
Was that too harsh? Jeno isn’t a bad guy, but he’s shy and awkward, and texting people is not his forte.
looool sorry !! i just mean i’ve seen u around
Oh. Oh, okay. That makes a lot more sense, his heart calms down a little. He lays back on his bed and flicks through his matches pictures once again, taking a proper look, a thorough browse.
Jaemin, 23.
In each photo, he’s smiling, sometimes wide, sometimes soft. His hair changes colours after every photo, from blonde, to pink, to black… it’s even orange in the last photo - Donghyuck would love this guy.
Jeno has never seen Jaemin, 23 before. With the way his skin prickles and his fingers shake, he knows he would never forget encountering such a person.
Jeno leaves it at that. He turns off his bedside lamp, locks his phone, and wills his heart to remove itself from his ears.
ᨐ
It’s been four days since Jeno last went to class, spoke to Donghyuck or even opened his phone.
Four years ago he ended a relationship and four years later he still grieves the loss of what was. It comes in waves, sometimes strong, sometimes timid. Sometimes it doesn’t come at all, tricking him into false tranquillity.
A few days ago, a couple of hours after their daily cafe date, Donghyuck had sent him a text.
dont open insta
Donghyuck should know by now that Jeno never listens.
When Jeno opened the Instagram app that night he instantly came face to face with a post uploaded only minutes prior. There Mark was, four years later, blonde now. His arm slung around someone's shoulder, his face turned into them and his lips pressed against their cheek - at first, that was all Jeno could see; familiar lips pressed against a face that wasn’t his. Then his wide eyes zeroed in on the vaguely familiar person Mark stood pressed against, he checked the tag: renjun_nie. Renjun Huang.
Donghyuck doesn’t know Mark; he is familiar, however, with Jeno’s past relationship and all the sob stories that come with it. Renjun though, Donghyuck knows, very well actually - even people as happy as Donghyuck have a sad past.
someone get these 2 a room plzzz 🙏🏻🙏🏻, read the caption. Whoever posted it must have been close to the pair.
Jeno didn’t care, he simply closed the app, along with his eyes.
Four days later he stays laying in the same spot, in the same clothes, with the same heavy feeling on top of his chest. He doesn’t care. He really, truly doesn’t. Mark is allowed to be happy, he’s allowed to move on and kiss other boys that aren’t Jeno. It doesn’t bother Jeno in the slightest.
So what if Mark wants to move on? What does it matter if he forgets all about their three-year relationship? All about their first kiss and their first date and their first— Okay, so maybe Jeno does care… but only a smidge.
He sits up in his bed, feeling disoriented, not having any idea what day or time it is. He rubs at his eyes and goes to plug his phone in to charge, the only hint of time he gets is from the faint stream of light coming through the gaps between his blinds. When his phone vibrates to life, a symphony of bzz sounds come from the device, notifications upon notifications littering his home screen.
Your screen time has gone down by seven hours in the past week— Not important.
You have a new match— Also not important.
Mom:
Hi baby, me and your sister were thinking of coming to visit soon. What do you reckon?
Thing 2:
answer mom
When he sees all the missed calls and messages from Donghyuck, his stomach lurches. Suddenly he feels terrible.
Some of them were left straight after the Instagram post warning:
u checked didn’t u
jeno……
i told u not to
u never listen to me
The rest of them were left after Donghyuck figured out Jeno was going MIA. Scrolling through the messages, he sees his friend go through three stages of grief:
Confusion: where tf are u ????
Anger: im hurt too u know ? its not just u jeno
Understanding: u dont have to answer me but imy and dont make fun of me for saying that ok but i do and im worried bc its been three days and idk where u are or where u live…i assume ur just not feeling up for talking to anyone so pls text me back when u resurface…i hope ur ok
Jeno instantaneously feels guilt bubble up under his skin. He kicks the duvet off of his body and pulls the blinds upupup until a flood of daylight fills the room, he finds some courage along the way to finally change out of the week-old, unwashed clothes stuck to his body, and to also brush his teeth.
He grabs his keys, his phone, a clean sweatshirt and rushes out of his apartment.
ᨐ
Jeno knew where Donghyuck would be. He just hadn’t been expecting to see him there with someone else.
Upon seeing Jeno, Donghyuck perks up, his previous neutral expression morphing into a sly smile. ‘Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.’
‘Wha—‘
‘This is Jaemin,’ he gestures to the stranger. ‘He just got here.’
Jaemin turns around in what’s always been Jeno’s chair, and oh. Oh. Jaemin.
Jaemin smiles brightly up at Jeno; Jeno who is flushed red from the wind, Jeno who hasn’t washed his hair in a week, Jeno who already knows who Jaemin is.
‘Hi, Jeno.’
Jeno blanks.
Jaemin and Donghyuck know each other? Since when? Jaemin is real? Jaemin is real and lives close enough to just drop by Donghyuck and his favourite cafe?
‘It’s raining,’ Jeno blurts, and as if spoken to directly, the rain begins to pelt down hard against the cafe's windows.
‘It is,’ Jaemin speaks up again, he stands from where he sits and offers the seat to Jeno, who for a second has no idea what to do. Did this cute boy just offer him his seat? What the hell? Somewhere in the background, Donghyuck is biting back a snort, but Jeno’s got strict Jaemin tunnel vision and couldn’t care less.
Jaemin then pulls a chair from another table and sits down again. It’s too quiet and Jeno’s beginning to feel a little on edge. He initially ran what is meant to be a ten-minute walk in five minutes, just so he could come and apologise to Donghyuck, but now that he’s here, he’s not sure what to do. The pretty stranger from Tinder being sat with his friend was not part of his plan.
Donghyuck speaks up, introducing them again. Jeno bows slightly, feeling confused as hell.
‘I know who he is,’ whispers Jeno, feeling Jaemin staring at him, but he can’t bring himself to look.
‘Oh?’ Donghyuck grins, stirring his half-empty hot chocolate.
If Jeno could reach out and strangle his friend to death without getting charged for murder, he would.
‘Well,’ slapping his thighs, Donghyuck speaks up, ‘this has been fun and all, but I must dash,’ he says all of a sudden, chair screeching as he stands up. Jeno quickly stands with him, looking to Jaemin for answers but getting none. He says one minute and follows Donghyuck to the door.
‘Hyuck, what’s going on?’ Jeno asks, eyeing Jaemin who stays sitting at their table, sipping on a coffee. ‘I saw your messages and came to—‘
‘To apologise, I know.’ Donghyuck says, resting a comforting hand on Jeno’s shoulder. ‘It’s okay, I forgive you, blahblahblah, you can make it up to me by talking to Jaemin.’
And then he’s out the door, the bell chiming up above to signal his exit. Jeno watches his friend leave, sees him pull up his hood and step right into a puddle. Nice.
He turns back around, Jaemin is facing away from him. The cafe is dim, warm light filling out the small space, the rain pelting down above them is also a nice addition to the cosy vibe, but it all does little to calm the scary nerves flowing through him.
Jaemin doesn’t look any different than what he looked like in his Tinder pictures, but in real life his blonde hair has black roots coming through and he seems less menacing than his initial I know you message led Jeno to believe.
Jeno cautiously sat back down. He doesn’t know Jaemin personally, they really only ever had one conversation before this.
‘I’m really confused,’ Jeno speaks up after a few minutes, breaking the silence. Jaemin has been giving him so much eye contact ever since he sat back down that he’s beginning to feel sweaty underneath his sweatshirt. ‘How do you know Hyuck?’
Jaemin cocks his head to the side, ‘Hyuck? We see each other every day.’
Every day?
Jaemin fires back with a how do you know Hyuck? And Jeno begins to feel grilled, who is this guy? What is going on? Why did Donghyuck just up and leave him? He should have stayed in bed, this is really annoying. So he goes to stand up, his chair screeching the same way Donghyucks did. He gives Jaemin one last confused look before turning to walk away. Who cares if it’s raining? He needs to get out of here, it’s stuffy and way too warm.
The bell rings above the door frame when he leaves, stepping out into what appears to be a rainstorm - he really should have checked the weather forecast before leaving his apartment. Feeling his phone begin to vibrate from his pocket, he quickly stands under a dripping outdoor table umbrella for some shelter before fishing out the device. He sees a text from Donghyuck.
did u know it takes cats a while to warm up to ppl, thats y everyone thinks theyre so evil and scary. theyre just nervous
What the fuck does that even mean?
wtf hyuck u leave me w a stranger and now text me abt ur weird cat obsession fuck off ur such a traitor
hes not a stranger!!!!!!!
yea hes ur new best friend i get it whatever
Donghyuck’s reply takes a few minutes to come through, the typing bubbles appearing, disappearing and reappearing.
omggggg are u jealous <3
i thought we werent best friends
The bell ringing above the cafe door pulls him out of his thoughts and away from his phone. Jaemin slides in underneath the umbrella, hi, he smiles nervously. Jeno feels himself start to tremble, not sure if it’s from the cold rain or the nervousness flooding his system.
‘I know we know each other from Tinder, but—‘ Jeno begins, pocketing his phone. Jaemin nods in understanding, rocking back and forth on his feet as Jeno mumbles and fumbles his words.
Donghyuck and Jaemin have been friends far longer than Donghyuck and Jeno, they grew up living next door to one another, and even went to the same high school together. Jeno finds all of this out underneath an outdoor table umbrella that looks fit to collapse under the pressure of continuous rainfall. Jaemin goes on to say that he didn’t go to college, instead he stayed working at the cat rescue fifteen minutes down the road, that’s why he and Donghyuck can only ever meet up here at the cafe, sometimes in passing and sometimes for a coffee, like today.
‘Wait… Cat rescue?’
Jaemin nods, yep, he says, wrapping his arms around himself. He must be cold, but when Jeno offers to go back inside he shakes his head.
‘When you first started hanging out with Hyuck, I was actually sort of resentful…’ Jaemin admits, kicking his feet. I’m not good at sharing, he rubs the back of his neck in embarrassment when Jeno laughs a little, no wonder he and Donghyuck are friends, they’re seriously similar. ‘I would come into the cafe a lot after work and see you guys together, I really wanted to talk to you, but I’m shy… after we matched on Tinder I finally caved and asked Hyuck about you, if he’d introduce us or something. He said he’d sort it out, but then you went missing…? And well, here we are.’ Jaemin shrugs, gesturing between them, he looks a little defeated and Jeno can’t help but feel bad.
He said he’d sort it out. Jeno could kill Donghyuck, he well and truly could.
Jeno feels a shiver run through him when a raindrop falls from the umbrella overhead and down the back of his sweatshirt.
‘Sorry, you can go now,’ Jaemin says, ‘I really just wanted to get that off my chest before you disappeared again.’
Jeno nods, realisation sinking in. So Donghyuck wanted to set them up…? Though not only did he go about it in such terrible roundabout way, he also up and ran from them the second he and Jaemin bumped into one another. If Jeno could put a curse on his friend, he would.
Jeno doesn’t know what to do. The pretty boy from Tinder is in front of him, trying his best to explain everything; telling him that he liked him way before Jeno even knew him as the Pretty Boy From Tinder. With chattering teeth and a sudden wave of newfound confidence, Jeno offers again to go back inside; let me order you a new coffee, he tries.
ᨐ
Four years ago Jeno thought his whole world had come to an abrupt, anti-climatic end. The day he saw his ex’s arm wrapped happily around someone new, he thought he would never get over it. Laying in bed for days, drifting in and out of sleep, he felt as if the universe wanted him in pain - were the scars of memories littering the surface of his skin not enough?
Four years later he sits in his favourite cafe on a foggy, brisk morning. There’s sun threatening to spill out from behind white fluffy clouds up above, Spring is rolling in and Jeno can feel his allergies begin to set in, but for once he doesn’t mind all that much; not when there’s a familiar hand setting down a warm cup of tea in front of him.
‘I brought milk and sugar, too. That coffee you’ve been drinking is way too bitter.’
Jeno smiles, nodding. He promised Jaemin he would try something different, his boring americano cast to the side, long forgotten, never to be spoke of again. He takes a sip and startles when the hot liquid burns his tongue, he flinches and quickly sets the cup back down before he goes and does something even more stupid, like spill it all over himself. That would be typical.
Ow. Okay, that hurt, he thinks, feeling betrayed, blinking away the immediate tears springing to his eyes.
‘Aw, baby,’ coos Jaemin, reaching out across the table to ruffle Jeno’s hair. ‘Did nobody teach you to wait until hot things cool down?’ He’s laughing now, soft and happy. ‘You’re just that eager, huh? Such a puppy-dog.’
‘Oh, shut up.’ Jeno frowns, blowing on the tea, trying his best to ignore the red flaming his cheeks.
The bell above the cafe door chimes, Jeno turns around and away from his teasing boyfriend to see Donghyuck making his entrance, grining mischievously when he lays eyes on the pair, strutting over and taking his designated seat.
‘Well, well, if it isn’t the result of my tedious labour.’
Jeno's eyes widen, he points his finger at his friend in shock, ‘tedious… Tedious labour?!’
Jaemin laughs out loud with his head thrown back, while Donghyuck feigns surprise, a hand over his mouth, a playful whatever do you mean on his tongue.
‘Hyuck, no offense but you’re the worst wingman,’ but Jaemin’s grin quickly turns pained after he gets a swift kick to the ankle by Donghyuck. ‘Okay, ow.’
‘Shut up, Na. You’re together now, are you not?’
No thanks to you! Jeno wants to say, but he can’t seem to form the words, his cheeks hurt too much from smiling. Jaemin is no better, Jeno notices, all teeth and crinkling eyes.
‘Jesus,’ Donghyuck gags at the sight, ‘you two are made for each other, matching Adidas pants and all.’
He gets up to head over to the counter and order, but before he does he turns back around, about to say something. Jeno studies him, getting ready to throw his spoon if needs be.
‘Say, Jaem, did you ever figure out if staring at someone long enough symbolises love?’
Jaemin startles, his knees hitting the underside of the table.
And there is a spoon thrown, it just isn’t by Jeno.
ᨐ
Uploaded to Instagram is a picture of Jaemin and Jeno, sitting squashed together on their friend's couch; Jaemin with his face hidden shyly in the crook of Jeno’s neck, Jeno with his eyes half mooning in return, his heart full and happy.
The caption by dh_lee reads: see, cats and dogs can get along!!!
— jjno:
hyuck u are so annoying
— dh_lee > jjno:
well done, no shit, obviously?
Four years ago, Jeno and Mark came to an end, and four years later Jeno and Jaemin began; under an outdoor umbrella, hiding from the rain.