Work Text:
21st May, 2015
I AM NOT ENGAGED
I don’t even know what goes on in your heads most of the time. Seriously. One trip to Paris, one moonlight visit to the Louvre planned by your boyfriend’s brother and a couple of meals in Michelin Star restaurants and suddenly everyone starts planning your future. Come on. Do you really think Sherlock would propose like that? Knowing him, he’d set up some sort of weird Cluedo-style proposal, end it dressed as Mrs White in the Drawing Room or something (you can thank me for that mental image later). Although last time we played Cluedo, the board ended up attached to the wall by a bullet. We probably won’t be playing it again. It was almost as bad as that time Mrs Hudson tried to get a friendly game of Scrabble going. Try convincing a self-entitled genius that ‘Quetzalcoatl’ doesn’t count because it’s a proper noun. It’s a recipe for disaster. Mrs Hudson is still picking up Scrabble pieces that have worked themselves free from underneath the kitchen counters to this day.
Anyway. Sorry to disappoint everyone. If you’re looking for a big gay wedding, I suggest you start putting pressure on Mycroft and Lestrade – come on, guys , it’s been nearly three years now – because I am not intending to put a ring on my finger any time soon. And frankly, I’m not going to be the one to ask, because honestly it’s not like I could surprise Sherlock with a proposal. I could be planning it for months, taking great care to keep everything a secret, using codenames and passwords and library computers, and he’d still turn up to the proposal three hours early. Before I’d even told him to meet me at the restaurant for 6pm and to make sure to wear his best suit.
What actually happened at the Louvre was Sherlock chose that exact moment – most romantic city in Europe, if not the world, after a meal at an incredibly posh five star hotel – to ask me what I thought Mycroft and Lestrade’s sex life was like after three years together. Which, quite frankly, is not something I have ever considered, ever wanted to consider, or will ever be able to stop considering again as the image has been seared onto every corner of my brain. Thanks, Sherlock.
He wants me to let you know that he can be quite romantic sometimes. It’s true; he once gave me a bouquet of roses after a particularly hard case. Yeah, they were stolen from a crime scene and had originally been given by a serial killer to his victim as some sort of bizarre token calling-card, but the thought was there.
63 comments
john watson!! you couldnt have let me know before you posted it on the blog?? i have been looking at bridesmaid dresses all day! :(
Harry, May 21st, 13:13
Sorry, Harry. I didn’t think you actually believed it! If I ever do get engaged, I’ll be sure to let you know that it’s not a hoax.
John Watson, May 21st, 13:18
Did people honestly think I would propose to John under such circumstances? I am offended. Paris may be the most romantic city in the majority of European guidebooks but it is also full of tourists, criminals and my relatives. I would choose somewhere infinitely more interesting, and far less obvious. I expected better from you all. Except for you, Anderson. You, as always, met my every expectation.
Sherlock Holmes, May 21st, 13:24
Sherlock.
John Watson, May 21st, 13:26
I must apologise for my brother’s lack of tact, John. I confess I did not take into account his stubborn nature when choosing the location for your next case. I shall endeavour to cater to his whim for surprise next time. In other news, I am uncertain as to how I feel about the reference to myself in this post.
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 13:29
Mycroft, are you actually trying to get your brother to propose to me?? I don’t know how I feel about the possibility of becoming a part of this family in future.
John Watson, May 21st, 13:36
I would never admit to doing such a thing.
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 13:38
He is
Lestrade, May 21st, 13:40
Why?!
John Watson, May 21st, 13:46
Because he knows that no-one else will ever have Sherlock, Sherlock is less of a twat when you’re around to tell him that he’s being a twat and he really wants an excuse to wear his new suit
Lestrade, May 21st, 13:52
He does look dashing in it
Lestrade, May 21st, 13:57
:)
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 14:00
:)?! Mycroft, I despair of our genetic similarities.
Sherlock Holmes, May 21st, 14:05
That was me. Mr Holmes required me to formulate a response indicating his gratitude. I apologise for any offence caused. A fruit basket is on its way to you, Mr Holmes.
Anthea?, May 21st, 14:07
I would like to know the answer to Sherlock’s question, John. What do you think Lestrade and Mycroft’s sexual relationship is like?
Anonymous, May 21st, 14:10
Sometimes, I regret running this blog.
John Watson, May 21st, 14:13
LOL!! Don’t regret writing it!! It’s BRILLIANT!! Sorry I haven’t commented in a while, I’ve been in hospital, but now I’m back!!
Jacob Sowersby, May 21st, 14:26
Oh, joy. John, allow me to congratulate you on your non-impending nuptials and continued sanity.
Sally Donovan, May 21st, 14:34
Haha well mate, looks like you know what everyone reads this blog for now! Not me though, obviously! Don’t get it, myself, all this interest in who’s marrying who and who might be proposing to who in the Louvre. Bonkers. Can’t do Friday by the way, Saturday? The Cock and Thrush?
Bill Murray, May 21st, 14:57
oh no, i hoped there might be a wedding haha :) i went shopping with sally a few weeks ago and i bought a really lovely dress but i haven’t had an excuse to wear it! maybe i’ll wear it to the morgue, i’m sure that the late mr dobson would appreciate it haha! or maybe i’ll go into scotland yard wearing it, lestrade certainly seemed to like my christmas effort a few years ago ;) xxxx
Molly Hooper, May 21st, 15:21
I will send in troops of highly specialised agents if you do so, Ms Hooper.
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 15:34
It was a nice dress!
Lestrade, May 21st, 15:42
I’m sure it was delightful. Did it look as pleasant on the mannequin as it did on Ms Hooper, do you think, Gregory?
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 15:49
I wouldn’t know
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:00
No, of course not; you didn’t get the opportunity to ogle it on the mannequin.
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 16:04
Well of course I didn’t, I didn’t bloody go shopping with her!!
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:07
So you do not deny the accusation that you were ogling it upon Ms Hooper’s person?
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 16:08
This was 3 years ago you know
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:11
Oooh, can I get e-mail updates for this? I don’t want to miss anything!
Anderson, May 21st, 16:14
And yet the image is still so fresh in your mind. I wonder if you can even remember the colour of the tie I wore this morning?
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 16:17
Red
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:19
No, blue
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:19
Bugger, I wasn’t really awake when you left!!
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:20
As I thought. If only I cut as fine a figure in my new suit as Molly did in her party frock. I may be late home tonight, Gregory, as I’ll be consulting with the dressmakers of Oxford Street to find a compromise.
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 16:23
You’re being ridiculous. I always think you look nice; I don’t have to remember a particular suit to think that!!
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:25
I was going to comment here but I think I might be interrupting something. I’ll give you a ring, mate.
Mike Stamford, May 21st, 16:27
Then there’s no point in me making even the slightest attempt at an effort, is there? I may as well just slob about all day in the Diogenes club in my pyjamas, swilling beer and chewing cud, if that’s the effect my attention to my appearance has.
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 16:27
I could have texted you with that, in hindsight.
Mike Stamford, May 21st, 16:28
Well you could because I’d still think you were the best looking man at the sodding Diogenes club
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:28
Or left a message.
Mike Stamford, May 21st, 16:29
Ooh, I shall tell that to Mr Richard Saunders, aged 67. He will be devastated. Or of course, I could inform the member closest to me in age that I am superior in looks to him, although I cannot vouch for how the 59 year old Mr Timothy Jones will take it.
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 16:31
Boys will be boys, won’t they? If you’re not arguing with yours, John, then his brother’s arguing with his! I have made some lovely cakes for you both by the way, I put them on the doorstep for you. I know that Sherlock already knows this but I’m hoping he hasn’t told you, so they’ll be a surprise, unless you read this first. This is Mrs Hudson.
Marie Turner, May 21st, 16:34
You’re being ridiculous!! All I’m saying is that you don’t need to dress up to look nice because I always think you look nice and I can’t think of any other word but nice to bloody describe you because you are nice and I don’t want Sally to put sugar in my coffee for a month like she does every time she thinks I’m being too sweet
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:37
You are essentially saying that my appearance is so beguiling that any attempts at improving upon it are fruitless? Gregory, excuse me for not entirely believing that.
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 16:40
Look you could wear a binbag and baggy stockings and I’d still want to marry you
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:41
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jacob Sowersby, May 21st, 16:42
Oops
Lestrade May 21st 16:42
Well I’m going to make a note to kill myself as soon as I get home, will send someone to collect my things in the morning and have them sent to the coroner
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:45
Was that said in jest? I cannot think of any other reason for your humiliation.
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 16:47
Let’s say that hypothetically it’s serious, would you not kick me out then?
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:51
I am going to be sick. This is all your fault, Lestrade. I’ll instruct Mrs Hudson to send the bill for the dry cleaning of my shirt to your offices.
Sherlock Holmes, May 21st, 16:52
I would not. I would probably be thrilled at the prospect of finally having an occasion to wear my new suit, which is rather becoming.
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 16:53
In fact, no. I shan’t do that. I shall wear the soiled shirt to your doomed nuptials.
Sherlock Holmes, May 21st, 16:54
So um
Lestrade, May 21st, 16:54
A car is on its way to you, DI Lestrade. ETA 10 minutes taking into account the highly dangerous speeding involved.
Anthea?, May 21st, 16:55
Well, it’s all right for some, with their romantic boyfriends. Mine just threw up on his shirt.
John Watson, May 21st, 16:57
Looks like you’ll get to wear that dress after all, Molly…
Sally Donovan, May 21st, 16:59
oh my goodness, i just read what i wrote!! i had a glass of wine with my lunch and i think it went to my head, i am so sorry!! i hope i didn’t cause any trouble xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Molly Hooper, May 21st, 17:01
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Lestrade, May 21st, 17:05
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Lestrade, May 21st, 17:06
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Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 17:06
y’our f’rogiven molory!!!!!!!!11dddddddddd
Mycroft Holmes, May 21st, 17:07
John, I’ve changed my mind. Could you call Mrs Hudson to launder my shirt? I’ll be lying on the sofa with a packet of anti-emetics.
Sherlock Holmes, May 21st, 17:17
Citrus fruits are excellent for nausea, Mr Holmes; you’ll find a selection in the gift basket I sent you.
Anthea?, May 21st, 17:21
I don’t want this to be my life any more.
John Watson, May 21st, 17:26
nenbbbto;gip
Lestrade, May 21st, 17:27
Ah, Paris.
John Watson, May 21st, 17:31
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