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If Eddie never sees Buck in another hospital bed again, it’ll be too soon.
He’s getting really, really sick of it, actually. Of riding in the back of the firetruck because Buck refuses to take an ambulance that “someone else might really need and, anyway, I’m fine .” Of Bobby’s hand on his shoulder, holding him back as the doctors take Buck away to do a more thorough exam, despite his protests of “ really , I’m fine , Hen and Chim already- Bobby, would you tell them I’m fine? Eddie, c’mon I don’t- guys , this is just unnecessary, seriously!” Of waiting to find out that this is the time. The time that Buck inhaled too much smoke, that he hit his head too hard, that his injuries from the fire truck had regressed.
And yet, here he is. Sitting in the waiting room. Knee bouncing restlessly and jaw clenching and relaxing habitually. He’s gripping his own hands tight enough that his knuckles are turning white. He’s been staring at the white tile floor for who knows how long, not paying attention to any of the conversations around him.
It’s bad this time. Well- not as bad as it has been. But bad, nonetheless.
It was supposed to be a routine call. A house fire, cut and dry. Cause: a bunch of drunken teenagers decided it was a great idea to throw a house party where someone may or may not have found fireworks. They followed procedure to a T and completed a headcount and it was all going exactly as it should.
Until a girl ran up to Buck. Eddie was helping Hen and Chim with examinations, but out of the corner of his eye he saw a dark-haired teenage girl with soot on her face and tears streaming down her cheeks running up to Buck. Buck caught her by the shoulders, clearly trying to comfort her as she animatedly told him something, looking panicked. Buck’s expression dropped. His eyes left the girl, just for a moment, and landed on Eddie. His jaw tensed, something in his expression hardened, and then he grabbed his helmet and ran. Ran straight towards the fire. Eddie dropped the roll of gauze in his hand and moved, hurrying over to the sobbing girl, who had collapsed to the ground.
He dropped to his knees in front of her, torn between making sure she's okay and running after Buck. Every fiber of his being was telling him to charge right into the flames, but the distraught teenager was gripping his arm and he knew he couldn't. So he had swallowed the terror burning in his throat and focused on her. “What happened?”
“Lisa,” the girl sobbed, breathless. “Sh-she’s still- she’s still in there.”
Eddie’s heart dropped to his stomach as Buck’s silhouette disappeared into the house. His voice was shaky when he said, “Stay here. Someone will come check on you.”
The girl sniffled and nodded, and Eddie jumped back to his feet, searching frantically for Bobby. “Cap!” He spotted him by the truck and ran over, all anxious energy and shaking hands. “Cap, someone’s still in there!”
Bobby’s face dropped and he swears softly, his face distraught and eyes suddenly terrified. “We can’t go back in. The structure is too unstable, we just got reports-”
“Buck went back in,” Eddie whispered, dread pooling in his chest. A shocking, icy numbness shot through him, chilling him to the bone and sending the tips of his fingers tingling. “Buck went back in!” He turns on his heel, ready to charge in after his partner, but Bobby’s fist grips his sleeve, stopping him.
“Eddie, I can’t let you go in.”
“Buck-” There was a crackling sound and then a crash that sent heat blasting over them in waves as the roof caved in and the entire building was enveloped in flames.
It felt like all of the air had been sucked from Eddie’s lungs. A tingling started at the base of his spine, spreading through his body until he was numb. Buck- Buck was still in there . Buck was still-
“ Buck .”
“Eddie-”
“H-he,” Eddie was numb, like he was floating. He couldn’t tear his gaze away from the flames. “He- Buck- He’s- He went- Buck -”
“Eddie,” Bobby’s voice was thick with emotion and Eddie could hear the words already. Not even Evan Buckley could survive a burning building collapsing on him .
“Call him,” Eddie demands.
Bobby sighs deeply and clicks on his radio. “Firefighter Buckley, come in.” Static answers them. “Buckley, come in .” Nothing. “Buck, come on.”
Eddie grabs the radio from Bobby, turning towards the fire. “Buck. Evan . It’s Eddie. C’mon man, you can’t- fuck, you can’t do this.” You can’t do this to me. “Answer us. Answer me . Please. Please respond.”
“Eddie…” Bobby gently takes the radio back.
“He’s not going to answer,” Eddie whispers. There was an ache in his chest so sharp he wondered, briefly, if he had actually shattered his own heart. “He’s gone. He’s gone .”
Bobby didn’t say anything. He just pulled Eddie in close, so Eddie’s face was pressed into his shoulder. Bobby’s arms were firm around him, the hand fisting in the hair at the back of his head should have been soothing, the gentle whispers telling him It’s okay should have been comforting.
It didn’t matter. All Eddie could feel was the hollowness in his chest, the stabbing, blinding ache of loss and all he could hear was the roaring fire and his own anguished cries. Not even Buck can survive an entire house collapsing on him.
Was this what Buck felt like? When Eddie got shot? When he had to watch him bleed out on the pavement? Was this eviscerating ache stabbing through Buck then? Or did having some hope- any hope of getting Eddie out alive- did that keep the demon of grief at bay?
Eddie was sobbing then, shaking in Bobby’s arms. His legs gave out beneath him and then they were both sinking to the ground, Bobby shushing and rocking Eddie like Eddie does to Christopher after a nightmare.
A nightmare. That’s what it was. It had to be. Buck can’t- he can’t be- no. No .
“I want to wake up,” Eddie heard himself cry, his breath hitching. “I don’t want to- God, I’m not- I can’t- I can’t do this without him.”
“Eddie,” Bobby says softly. “Son, I wish we could wake up.”
Eddie just sobbed into Bobby’s turncoat, gripping onto his arm like a lifeline.
And then there was a crackling sound. “He- ll- help- an- y- on- llo?” Eddie’s heart leapt in his chest and then he was ripping himself out of Bobby’s arms, snatching the radio and leaping to his feet.
Eddie was almost sobbing when he said, “Buck?”
“Ed- he- lp-” his words were jagged, cut off by a bad signal and interlaced with coughs. Smoke inhalation.
“Buck, where are you?”
“Pinned down,” Buck gasps. The radio’s crackling paired with his breathless, rasping voice made it hard to understand but Eddie was managing to piece together the garbled speech and already searching for his helmet. “South- southeast corner. I think. I’m not- I can’t tell, Eddie. It’s- there’s too much smoke. I think- did the roof collapse?”
“Just hold on, baby,” Eddie all but begged, buckling on his helmet. “I’m coming, just hold on a little bit longer.”
“Eddie- no, there’s too much- the fire is too hot, you can’t. Just- just talk to me. Please”
His words were growing slurred and a spike of fear raced through Eddie. “You’re not fucking dying, Buck. You are not leaving us.”
“Eddie…”
“Stay with me Buck, come on.” Eddie risked a glance at Bobby, as if daring him to try and stop him. Bobby just clenched his jaw and nodded, once. He turned, shouting for Ravi to follow Eddie and for Lucy and Chim to get the hoses in place.
“Buck?” Eddie nodded at Ravi as he ran up and the two started towards the fire. “You still there?”
“Yeah,” Buck gasped. “Yeah, I'm here. Eddie, I don’t think-”
“Stop that, right now. I need you to keep talking to me, Buck. Tell me about what you and Chris did yesterday.”
“O-okay.” Buck’s wheezing voice became white noise for Eddie. He rambled on as Eddie and Ravi went around the back of the house, interrupting only to warn Buck that the hoses were going to be turned on. Buck’s voice was the only thing he focused on as he and Ravi carefully worked their way through smoldering and burning rubble. And then- then Buck’s voice wasn’t just from the radio.
His turncoat was practically in tatters, his face covered in soot, his helmet long gone. There was a bleeding gash at his temple and the side of his face was coated in dark, sticky blood. Eddie had never thought he looked more beautiful as he and Ravi helped him, hobbling, out of the wreckage and onto a waiting stretcher.
He passed out almost as soon as they got him in the ambulance, but his hand wouldn’t release Eddie’s and Hen assured Eddie his vitals were stable enough. No one said a word when Eddie refused to leave his side. No one tried to stop him as he pressed his fingertips to Buck’s throat every few moments, needing to feel the weak, fluttery pulse for himself. Needing confirmation that Buck was still fighting.
And now, waiting in the hospital to find out how serious Buck’s injuries are, no one says a word to him as his knee bounces up and down and his hands twist together.
Eddie’s never felt fear like that. He doesn’t know what exactly to do with it.
Listen. He’s- he’s doing a lot better, okay? Therapy is helping. It really is. He’s processing his emotions. He’s accepting that he can’t control some things. He’s healing. He’s learned to accept himself. Now, if something he says makes Buck blush a warm pink and all he can think is fuck , he’s pretty , Eddie doesn’t feel a stab of something ugly and guilty in the pit of his stomach. Instead, there’s a fuzzy warmth as his mind whispers, mine .
Instead of shoving everything he feels into a deep dark pit to wither and die, or bundling it all up up tight and tucking it away so they only rears its head late at night and he lets himself dwell on it until the ache in his chest is so sharp that he can barely breathe. Now, Eddie can let it spread through him, golden and warm. He can tuck it in against his heart, hold it close for the times when the darkness of his own mind threatens to swallow him whole.
That happens, sometimes. His inner demons rear their ugly heads, threaten to overwhelm him, to pull him apart piece by piece, shatter him one bone at a time, peel his skin back and leave him raw and exposed. The demons that have haunted him since childhood, returned to tear him open once again.
Except- now he has Buck. Buck, to hold the pieces of him together that threaten to break away, to piece is boned back together one fracture at a time, to soothe the skin he wants to crawl out of with a simple touch. The demons are back. But this time, Eddie has a guardian angel.
It’s more than that, though- more than the fact that sometimes he can barely breathe without Buck there to tell him he’s worth the oxygen he takes in.
It used to be, he saw Buck and would get the wild urge to pull him closer and kiss him breathless. He’d be in the middle of a conversion with Buck and the words would be on the tip of his tongue, ready to spill over. I’m in love with you . He’d watch Buck as he worked, brow pinched in concentration, and want to kiss away the lines in his skin. He’d listen to one of his rants about some random, obscure topic and feel adoration so intense it would take his breath away.
For years, Eddie had been in love, plain and simple. Well- plain and simple aside from the fact that it was his best friend, his partner, and the one person he can never lose. The one person he could never have.
But- now he can. Now, when he gets that wild urge to fold Buck into his arms and kiss him until they’re both mindless with it, he can. When they’re in the middle of a conversation and Eddie feels the overwhelming desire to confess his love, he simply does. He blurts it, randomly, and instead of the disgust he’d always feared, a soft adoration comes over Buck’s face as his cheeks turn pink. He watches Buck work, and can barely resist the temptation to kiss away Buck’s worry lines until later.
He has it- everything he’s ever wanted. He has his best friend, his partner, the one person he can never lose. And the one person he will always have, in every way he can.
It’s still a shock, realizing that it goes deeper than just love- he truly cannot live without Buck.
What he felt tonight- like his heart was being torn to shreds and ripped from his very chest, like every breath he inhaled was a shard of glass slicing through him, like his nerves themselves were made of fire, burning him from the inside out- that’s how he imagines it would feel to lose one’s soul. And that’s- that’s what Buck is, isn’t it? Buck and Chris. Two chambers of his heart, two halves of his soul.
He’s almost lost Buck before. He knows this isn’t anything new, anything worse than what Buck’s survived before. But the difference is- those times, Eddie still wasn’t letting himself to be given over wholly. He had been keeping a part of him, the shard of his soul that was the most vulnerable, tucked safely away, hidden and protected in the folds of his heart, shielded by his ribcage and contained by his terror of being rejected and turned away for it.
He has no guards this time, no barriers in place to protect himself.
He feels the fear, fully and purely, raw and grating against the tender muscle of his heart, sharp and scraping against his lungs, pure ice in his veins.
Buck has told him about his talk with Chris, when Eddie was shot. Chris still says he doesn’t want to talk about it, not yet. But Eddie pieced it all together. He could see Buck, eyes red and puffy, practically shaking as he walked into Chris’s room. Chris’s smile, wide and innocent as he greeted his Buck . Buck sitting down to tell him, breaking down the moment he got the text. Them holding each other, Chris mercifully unaware of just how very close it was, Buck all too aware of how extremely close it was.
Now, years later, sitting in the hospital, Eddie can't help but imagine what he would be if the roles were reversed this time. Now that Chris is older, would he understand what Eddie was truly saying? That Buck isn’t coming home tonight- that he’s never coming home again? Or would Chris’s trauma revert him back to his was then- or when Shannon died- too young to comprehend fully that this is different than someone leaving, this is someone being taken .
Somewhere, deep and dark in his mind, a voice whispers, Would he blame me?
“Eddie.” Bobby’s voice pulls Eddie from his thoughts, and he blinks, his eyes having pooled with tears. He sniffs, wiping quickly at his cheeks and looking up at his captain.
“What’s up, Cap?” he asks, rubbing his hands over his thighs, terrified of whatever comes next. “Is Buck-”
“I haven’t heard anything.” Bobby sighs, crouching lower and setting a hand on Eddie’s shoulder. “You should go home, Eddie. Our shift ended already- Chris will need you.”
“No,” Eddie says instantly, standing. Rage burns in his veins, or maybe it’s still just fear. Either way, it’s snapping. “No, what Chris needs is to know that his Buck will be okay, that he’ll be home to tuck him in. That another person he loves isn’t being ripped away from him! God, Bobby, I- I can’t - I can’t go home, I can’t face him- not until I know what I’m going home to tell him.” Bobby just watches Eddie, sorrow and pity in his eyes. The yelling effectively drains the last energy Eddie has, and he drops back into his seat, burying his face in the palms of his hands.
“Please,” he finally whispers, barely able to breathe. “Please don’t make me go tell my son another person might be leaving him before I know for sure.” Before I know if another person is leaving me .
“Okay,” Bobby says softly. “I can send May to watch him when Carla has to leave.”
Eddie’s voice is broken, small when he says, “Thank you.” Bobby nods and moves to sit next to Eddie, gently placing a hand on his shoulder.
Eddie doesn’t know how long they stay like that, sitting in silence, before the doctor walks into the waiting area, making a beeline for Bobby and Eddie. The two men stand up together, breaths held and hearts racing.
“He inhaled a lot of smoke,” she starts, skipping over the casualties. “Experienced quite a lot of blunt force trauma to his head and torso, and he was unconscious for longer than we’d have liked. However , his gear saved him from any serious burns and internal injury. His helmet must have sustained the majority of his head trauma, but he’s concussed and has several mainly superficial injuries that might take a while to heal. He’s fractured four ribs and sprained an ankle, those’ll take a bit longer. We’d like to keep him 24 hours for observation, but he should be alright to go home tomorrow. He’ll need at least five weeks to recover and then we can re-evaluate his return to active duty.”
Eddie lets out a breath he’s been holding since Buck ran into that burning building. “Thank you, Doctor. Is he- is he awake? Can I see him?”
The doctor raises an eyebrow, “Relation?”
“I’m his- his boyfriend.”
“Do you also happen to be his emergency contact? That’s the only non-familial relation I can let in right now.”
Eddie groans, rubbing the palm of his hand over his face. “I- yeah, I think so. Eddie Diaz?”
“Of course.” The doctor nods and motions for Eddie to follow. “Captain Nash, you and the rest of your crew can come in a while later if you’d like to continue waiting.”
“We’ll be here,” Bobby says, nodding to Eddie with a gentle, reassuring smile.
“Thanks, Bobby,” Eddie says, then follows the doctor into the hallway. His hands fidget at his side, fingers tapping out rhythms against his thigh as he reminds himself to breathe . Buck’s okay. He’s alive, he’s breathing, he’s okay .
“I’ll give you two some privacy,” the doctor says, stopping outside a closed door. Eddie, heart stuck in his throat, can only nod. She nods back, then turns and continues walking down the hallway. Forcing another deep breath, Eddie lifts his fist to the door, rapping lightly.
A hoarse, “Come in,” comes not a moment later and, shaking, Eddie pushes the door open.
There’s still soot on Buck’s face, creased in the lines and smeared on his neck, just below his jaw. Most of it has been wiped away, along with the blood from the gash at his temple. There’s a bruise blooming along his left cheekbone, but Eddie thinks he’s never looked more beautiful. Because- his chest is rising and falling with deep, even breaths. His eyes are bright, sparkling with life. His lips are pink, turned up in a guilty, wincing smile. His cheeks, aside from the bruising, are tinged pink. He’s alive .
“Hi,” Eddie breathes, shutting the door behind him.
“Hey,” Buck says, just as softly. Eddie feels frozen in place, his feet rooted to the floor. His breath is held, waiting. For what, he’s not sure. Not until Buck’s smile falls and he whispers, “ Eddie .” He’s by Buck’s side in an instant, using every molecule of restraint he has to not throw himself over his boyfriend, to run his hands over every inch of his body and try to heal every wound with his touch.
He barely manages to choke out, “Can I-?” before Buck is nodding, tears pooling in his eyes, and Eddie’s moving to sit on the bed, pulling Buck into him, holding on to him as if he would shatter if Buck let go. Or maybe Eddie would. He’s not sure, at this point. He doesn’t know who it’s for, but he and Buck grip each other tightly, Buck’s face crushed into Eddie’s shoulder, Eddie’s lips pressed to the crown of his head and cupping the back of his neck.
“I’m sorry,” Buck says after a few moments, his voice tight with tears. “God, Eds, I’m- I’m so fucking sorry, baby. I didn’t- I wasn’t-”
Eddie shakes his head, pulling back and placing his hands on either side of Buck’s head. Buck’s eyes are wide, filled with tears, his brows drawn together. Eddie’s thumbs swipe over Buck’s cheeks, wiping away the stray tears as they escape, shushing him softly.
“Marry me.” He doesn’t mean to say it, not exactly. He’s been wanting to for a while- probably from the day he got shot and realized that Buck is the only person he would ever want to take care of his son. Probably even before that. He didn’t entirely intend to do it now, with Buck in a hospital gown and caked blood still in his hair. But he looks in Buck’s eyes and it’s all he can think to say.
Buck, for his part, just stares at Eddie, his mouth dropping open as he blinks, shaking his head in tiny movements. “Wh-what?”
“Marry me, Evan. Please, god, I don’t- I don’t ever want to be asked by another doctor if I’m your emergency contact, or wake up another morning without you right beside me, or have to worry about what would happen to Chris if I died, or see your hand without my ring on it, or go to bed and not have your eyes be the last thing I see.” It comes out all at once, a proper word-vomit of a proposal, with Eddie’s tongue tripping over every word he says. “I don’t want to live another day not being completely and entirely yours. Please.”
Buck just stares at him, searching his eyes for a solid few moments, the corner of his mouth turned up. Finally, he takes a deep breath and lifts his hands, wrapping his fingers around Eddie’s wrists. “Did you get my hospital bag? From my locker?”
Eddie blinks, thrown entirely off and reeling. “I- Chim and Hen did- it’s- it’s over in the corner-”
“Can you get it?”
“Buck, what are-”
“Please?”
Eddie huffs out a breath, tilting his head and trying not to cry. “I just asked you to marry me, Evan.”
“And I’m asking you to please get my bag,” Buck says, laughing lightly. “I promise it’ll make sense, baby. Just- my bag?”
Eddie just shakes his head, pulling away and crossing the small hospital room to grab Buck’s duffel and setting it in his lap. Buck nods for Eddie to sit back down and, numb and confused, Eddie does. Buck opens the bag and starts rooting through it, tossing aside various items of clothing until he makes a small, victorious sound. He pulls out a small black box and Eddie’s breath catches. Buck takes a deep breath and looks up at Eddie.
“I… I’ve been carrying this around every day for two weeks,” Buck tells him softly. “To and from work. Around the house. Even on a few calls. I was- I was waiting for the perfect moment. The perfect story. The perfect everything for my perfect person.” Tears have pooled in both their eyes and Buck laughs wetly. “I almost- I almost asked you over the walkie talkie earlier. I didn’t- didn't wanna die without you knowing I never wanted to live another day without you.”
“I would have killed you if you proposed to me and then died,” Eddie laughs, tears choking his voice.
“I figured. But… you beat me to it.” Buck grins and shakes his head a little. “Couldn’t let you steal my whole big moment.”
Eddie scoffs, swiping at his cheeks with the back of his hand. “Dramatic much?”
“Aw baby,” Buck murmurs, setting his hand on Eddie’s cheek with a small smirk. “You didn’t think I was gonna say no, did you?”
“Well I sure fucking hoped not,” Eddie replies.
“I would have to be an idiot,” Buck whispered, leaning forward to kiss Eddie softly, “to say no to the man I never could have dreamed to be loved by.”
“You,” Eddie replies, kissing him just as quickly, “ are an idiot, cariño . Because only an idiot runs into a burning building without checking our headcount.”
Buck’s eyes open wider. “She- the girl, Lisa, she’s alive?” Eddie smiles softly, setting a hand on the side of Buck’s neck, stroking over his skin.
“She’s alive. She’s okay.”
Buck tilts his head forward, pressing their foreheads together and letting out a long sigh. “Thank god.”
“She wants to see you, when you’re ready. To thank you for going in after her. If you feel up to it.”
“Yeah,” Buck whispers, voice choked. “Yeah, I think- I think I’d like that.”
“You really scared me,” Eddie admits softly, brushing his fingers through his hair. “Like really . You- you have a family that needs you to come home each night, Evan. A family you need to consider when it comes to stuff like that, to take care of yourself for.”
“Eddie-”
“I’m not- I’m not asking you not to do your job, not to be yourself. I don’t- I would never want to change you, okay? I just… need you to think these things through a little more, yeah? We’re a team , Evan. We gotta make these decisions together.”
“Yeah,” Buck whispers, tears still escaping down his cheeks. “Yeah, I’ll work on it.”
“ We ’ll work on it.”
“Together.”
Eddie smiles, pressing another kiss to Buck’s lips. “Together.”