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Familiar eyes stared back at Tim Drake through the reflection in the water. The Gotham Public pool was normally locked up this time of night, but it was easy for him to sneak in regardless. The small smattering of raindrops that created a mist over the swimming pools surface comforted him, oddly enough.
Maybe it was just that anything would comfort him right now. He felt nothing but pain inside as he sat by the poolside.
A small teardrop slid down his nose before falling into the pool between his feet, rippling away his mirror self. Another one came out after that. And yet another. It wasn’t long before Tims face was in his hands, tears falling down freely from his face as the rain dropped on the pool.
His arms crossed over his chest, nails digging into his flesh as he let loose an unfiltered sob from within. Each decibel was filled with unbridled anguish, dripping with melancholy set against the backdrop of the gentle rain. He wasn’t swimming but he felt like he was drowning.
Bernard’s calming voice played on loop in his head telling him to practice his breathing exercises but he couldn’t. Not when Bernard’s voice was the catalyst of more memories, of what had just transpired that threw Tim into his void.
“Tim, please I am begging you.” Bernard said, tears streaming down his face as his fingers gripped Tim’s arm tightly, not caring about the blood from the open wound staining him. “Take a break. I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t hurt me constantly to see you get hurt again and again and again.”
“You knew what you were getting into.” Tim said, voice rising, “We’ve already talked about this a million times Bernard you can’t just change things. You can’t tell me it’s okay one minute and then change it, that’s not fair to me!”
“And how is it fair to me?” Bernard asked through glassy eyes, “How am I supposed to keep seeing you choose this awful fucking city over me and not let it chip me away piece by piece? Yeah I was okay with it but it’s been years Tim. Years of worrying that you aren’t gonna come back one night. Years of sitting by your bedside in the hospital. Years of stitching you up and hoping I’m enough to heal you. I’m not strong enough.”
“You’re an EMT.” Tim said coldly, “I’m not apologizing for making you do your job.”
“Then don’t!” Bernard replied, voice cracking in half, “Don’t apologize. Never apologize. I don’t need you to apologize. I just need you to stop. To please choose yourself and me and us over Gotham.”
“No.” Tim said. It’s the hardest word he ever had to utter.
“Do you think you could see me come home covered in blood every day and not have it get to you?” Bernard asked, “Close your eyes and please just think of that.”
Tim didn’t want to picture it. He truly didn’t. But his mind went there without permission and the thought of Bernard bloody was straight out of his nightmares. It was out of the fear he harbored that had become the catalyst for him to keep going out as Robin. He couldn’t bear the thought of his precious sunshine getting snuffed out and so he fought to keep it alight.
And wasn’t that ironic? Tim wasn’t fighting for Gotham. He stopped a long time ago. He only fought now for Bernard and their future. To hear Bernard telling him that was wrong, to hear him break through Tim’s defenses put his fight or flight on overdrive.
He was threatened, and Robin didn’t take good to being threatened.
“Fuck you.” Tim said, all air getting sucked out of the room. Bernard’s breath hitched and Tim immediately regretted the words. Bernard let go of Tim and backed away like a corned animal, his eyes looking at Tim like he didn’t even know him. Like the years between them meant nothing.
I’m sorry, Tim wanted to say. His mouth was open to utter the words but he couldn’t get them out. Bernard had never looked so devastated and broken, and it was all his fault. He was the one who killed his sunshine.
So he did what Robin does best. He ran.
Tim shuddered, a cold chill traveling up his spine. He was drenched head to toe (toes mainly from the pool water his feet were submerged in). Fortunately for him his tears and sobs had calmed down enough to not be able to be heard through the rain. His every cell craved Bernard’s comforting touch and protective arms around him, but how could he? Not when he broke them. He didn’t want to see Bernard. To have him be broken up with, engagement called off, would devastate him. To have been so close to his own happy ending and have it ripped away by his own hands would leave Tim a hollow shell.
But even if he didn’t want it, the wet footsteps behind him told him the universe had other plans. He instantly recognized the scent when he sensed someone sit next to him. Tim remained breathless throughout the sound of shoes coming untied and feet dipping in water.
“How’d you know I’d be here?” Tim whispered, looking down so his face couldn’t be seen. So the emptiness in his eyes couldn’t be displayed for Bernard to analyze. He wasn’t sure he could be heard over the rain.
“Because I know you, Tim.” Bernard’s honey voice answered. Just the sound calmed Tim down a little until he remembered the argument and his spiral continued anew. “I know you as well as you know me, which I hope is a lot.”
Bernard’s feet kicked in the water, Tim desperately wanting to lean over. “I know you like your hot chocolate with cinnamon and that when you’re high you like to listen to MGMT.”
“Good.” Bernard said, knocking his shoulder into Tim’s. The touch was almost too much for Tim to handle, more tears falling down. He didn’t even try to hold back the sob that tore through him. “What I don’t know about you though is why did your Mom take you to a public pool? I know she took you here, just not why. Doesn’t seem up to her bougie standards.”
“Because she wanted me to make friends and I wasn’t at the country club.” Tim said between sobs. Bernard’s pinky touched his and it was too much. “Please don’t break up with me. I can’t handle it. I’m nothing without you Bear, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry please forgive me I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Tim stopped resisting and collapsed into Bernard’s waiting arms, hands clenched tight around him as he continued holding him like a lifeline.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Tim said, “Please don’t leave me.”
“I’ll never leave you Tim, and if you haven’t realized that yet then maybe you don’t know me as well as I thought.” Bernard said calmly, “But I’ll make sure you understand it. I’m yours forever, I got the ring to prove it.”
“I had a nightmare months ago.” Tim admitted.
“No…no please don’t leave me.” Tim whispered. Head buried in Bernard’s chest, and with the metallic taste of his pooling blood smothering him, he spoke softer than he ever had before. “I need you, Bear. I’m just a lil’ guy. I'm nothing without you. How will I ever feel safe again without your arms around me?”
Bernard’s body stilled and his voice never answered.
“I don’t fight for Gotham, I fight for you.” Tim said, “I don’t want you hurt ever. I’m nothing without you so I didn’t care about myself. I’d give every drop of blood in my body if it meant keeping you safe.”
“I don’t wanna be safe.” Bernard said, tears dropping on Tim as he played with that raven hair, “I want you. If you get hurt too badly to fix then what is left for me? Nothing.”
“I’m sorry for what I said.” Tim said through a sob, “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m—“
“You left too soon.” Bernard said, “You said fuck you and left before I could say okay and take my clothes off.”
A small elation tore through Tim, releasing itself as a giggle. A small respite from the storm within him. Only Bernard had that power.
“Not tonight though I’m too tired and already wet enough.” Bernard said.
“I’ll stop.” Tim said.
Bernard’s hand froze on him, pulse speeding up through Tim’s skin. Tim didn’t need to elaborate more, Bernard already knew.
“I’ll stop after the wedding.” Tim said. “Because you’re right.”
“You don’t have to stop being Robin for me, Tim.”
“It’s not for you, it's for us.” Tim said, finally looking up and facing Bernard for the first time. His eyes were wet and puffy with dark circles underneath, hair a mess and it wasn’t just from the rain. “I have you and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to get hurt so badly that I don’t get to experience the joy of waking up and seeing your sleeping face. You’re all I need Bernard. Gotham will be fine without me but I won’t be fine without you.”
“I love you so fucking much.” Bernard said, leaning down and kissing Tim hard on the lips. Tim hoped he would bruise.
“I’m sorry.” Tim repeated, “I’m sorry.”
“I know.” Bernard said.
“Can we go home?”
“I have another idea.”
Tim reluctantly let go of Bernard as he felt him stand up away from his hands, Bernard’s shadow covering him in the rainy night. He grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it off, raindrops crawling down every beautiful scar and divot on the skin he had memorized. Tim was too busy staring at his chest he didn’t even notice Bernard lowering his pants and then boxers until he stood there naked.
“What’re you…?”
Bernard answered Tim with a splash as he jumped into the pool, head breaking through the surface. His smile shone through his wet hair, shaking it out onto a giggling Tim.
“Waters nice, wanna join?” Bernard asked.
“And get arrested for public indecency?” Tim asked.
“What point is all that Wayne money if not to bribe yourself out of getting arrested?” Bernard asked. “I’m sure Jason can break us out.”
Tim wanted to protest that it was stupid but he couldn’t. How could he when his beautiful fiance was naked in the water waiting for him? With a smile that now felt so unfamiliar on his face after all the tears, Tim stood and stripped himself of all the clothes that were stained in misery. He and Bernard locked eyes as he stood above him, Bernard’s eyes traveling over every mile of skin on display before Tim submerged himself in the water. The cold felt cool against him, outside temperature matching his inside and he felt Bernard’s arms bring him close into its embrace.
As the rain began to lighten up, the two holding each other for support in the water, Tim exhaled for what was the first time in hours. Bernard’s fingers drawing circles on his back and his voice uttering reassurances of love told Tim that his choice was the only one.
He didn’t need to be Robin. Not when he had this.