Work Text:
Today isn’t one of his best days. He feels tired, and his body hurts.
They are in the hospital again, his parents told him they will have to spend some time in the hospital— not that he is not used to it, but he misses playing with his friends. He misses being at home and spending time with his family.
Especially with his baby brother.
Maybe he can spend lots of time with him if he gets out of here.
He’s in his bed focused on watching cartoons on television but he instantly feels better when his ears perk up at a familiar voice coming from the door.
“Danny!”
Daniel twists his head to see Maddie running towards his bed with the biggest smile on her face.
He leans forward and folds his arms around her sister, hugging him tightly. The familiar scent of their detergent and shampoo make it easier for him to feel at ease. “Maddie! I thought you had school today?”
“I convinced dad not to go.” Maddie’s eyes crinkle as she grins mischievously. “Where’s mom?”
“She took Evan for a stroll.”
Maddie sits on the chair next to him and wraps his fingers around Daniel's hand. "How are you?" She looks at him with soft, caring eyes.
Daniel shrugs. "I'm okay."
Even though he knows Maddie will not believe him— she is very sensitive to people around her and catches things pretty quickly, he doesn't want to worry his sister.
"Daniel." Maddie arches her brow, not buying his lie.
Daniel lets out a sigh. "I'm just a little tired."
"You're gonna get better." Maddie lowers her voice and squeezes his hand.
Daniel nods and his lips form a hesitant smile.
He breaks the silence after a few seconds. "Maddie?"
"Yeah?"
He slides his hand under his pillow and takes out an orange envelope, offering it to Maddie. "This is for Evan."
"What's that?" Maddie's brows furrow, looking at Daniel with confused but hesitant eyes.
"I know what's going on, Maddie." Daniel mumbles. "Mom and dad don't show it but I can feel it."
Maddie shakes her head. "Daniel, you—"
"Can you save this for me?" Daniel asks. "Just in case."
Maddie stares at him, her eyes prickling with tears, and takes the envelope. " Just in case . Because I know you're gonna get better." Her voice comes out shaky but there is a stubbornness hiding under it.
Daniel smiles.
It's one of the rare mornings when Buck wakes up before Eddie.
The warm light of the sun shines on their bed and gently pulls him out of his sleep, causing him to slowly crack open his eyes. It's weekend and they are going to go to Bobby and Athena's house for a barbeque— everyone will be there, but it's still early to get ready, so Buck rolls onto his side and sees Eddie still deep in his sleep on his side, his bare chest rising and falling steadily, his soft hair ruffled and his lips almost pouting.
He looks like an angel on earth.
The sight brings a smile on Buck's face and he places his one hand under his cheek to admire his boyfriend by watching him silently.
"Stop staring." Eddie says in a mumble with closed eyes, his lips forming an involuntary smile.
"I'm not staring." Buck protests lightly and scoots closer to Eddie. "I'm admiring."
Eddie lets out a smirk. "Sap."
Buck props himself up on his elbow and hovers over Eddie. He leans in and brushes his lips across Eddie's cheek, planting a tiny kiss. "Good morning."
"Good morning." Eddie rolls onto his back and puts his hand on Buck's bicep, squeezing the toned muscle. He drags his hand along Buck's back and lifts his hand to bury his fingers through the back of Buck's head. "Hi."
Buck smiles softly and leans in for another kiss, this time kissing Eddie's lips. "Hi."
"What time is it?" Eddie stretches his arms and takes his phone from the nightstand. He taps on the screen to check the watch and puts it back on the surface.
Buck nuzzles his nose into the crook of Eddie's neck. "Early enough." He whispers and lightly sucks on the soft skin beneath his mouth, earning a quiet moan from Eddie.
"Oh, really?" Eddie tugs at Buck's curls and he brings his other hand to rest on Buck's back, his fingers lightly tracing along his back. "What do you have in mind?" He whispers.
Buck's lips make their way up to Eddie's jaw, planting featherlight kisses. "Some stuff. "
Eddie lets out a chuckle. "Such as?"
"Time to wake up!" Chris calls out to them over his room. He's also attending the barbeque and he will have a sleepover at Hen and Karen's after the party, so he is extremely excited. And when he is excited, he becomes a ball of energy.
With a groan, Buck drops his head on Eddie's shoulder and his head shakes with Eddie's amused chuckles.
"Well, so much for stuff ." Eddie teases. "Come on, time to get up."
Eddie points at the bar where Chimney, Maddie and Jee are and they start to walk towards them. Chris has already gone next to Denny and they greeted everyone except for them. “Here they are.”
“Hey!” Maddie greets them with a smile and gives Buck a hug, then to Eddie.
“Hey, Mads.” Buck kisses his sister on the cheek, and gives Chimney a loose hug to not crush Jee. “Hey, Chim.”
Chimney pats him on the shoulder. “Hey, guys.”
Buck bends his knees just a little to get Jee’s eye level. “Hi, baby!” He beames and takes his niece in his arms when Jee waves her arms at him. Jee's tiny fingers grasp the tip of his nose before lightly tapping on his eye.
“Did you guys come here together?” Eddie asks Maddie with a teasing tone.
The question brings a proud smile on Chimney's lips. “Yeah.”
“Oh.” Buck arches his brows and widens his eyes, looking at Maddie with a silly look on his face.
He was so happy when he first heard Maddie and Chim decided to try again by taking things slow; his sister deserves the best in the world and he knows how much Chimney makes her happy.
Maddie rolls her eyes and lightly punches Buck’s arm. “What are you, five?”
Buck lets out a loud chuckle but before he can say anything, Bobby’s voice gets their attention, calling them to sit around the table.
They eat their food and have some drinks while chatting in small groups until it’s time to go.
“Buck, why don’t you come with me?” Maddie asks him before she leaves. “It’s been a while since we spent some time together.”
“But you came here with Chim?” Buck frowns.
“He can drop us off. And he has Jee today.”
Eddie turns his head to Buck. “I’ll pick you up after I take Chris to Hen’s.”
“Well, okay then.” Buck nods.
Maddie links her arm with Buck’s and they walk slowly towards the car.
“How are you?” Maddie asks him softly with a smile on her face.
They are on the couch with each of them slumped on one end, their bodies turned to each other and heads resting on the back of the couch, slowly drinking their wines.
Buck lets out a content sigh and nods. “Good. I feel really good.” He takes a sip of his wine and smirks. “Maybe for the first time in a while.”
Maddie’s fingers wrap around his hand. “I’m so happy for you. You know that, right?”
“Of course I know.” Buck squeezes her hand. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
Maddie pulls her hand and gets on her feet. “Wait here.”
“Where are you going?” Buck frowns and watches Maddie go to her room.
“I have something for you.”
It doesn’t take long for her to come, and when she comes back, Buck can see something like paper in her hand.
She sits next to Buck and hands him an orange envelope, looking at him with bittersweet eyes. “This is for you.”
Buck straightens himself up on the couch and frowns. “What’s that?”
“It’s from Daniel.” Maddie’s voice slightly cracks at the mention of their dead brother’s name. She clears her throat. “He wrote this when he was in the hospital.”
“Uh—” Buck can feel his heart beating out of his chest; his throat feels like it’s closing up, his breathing getting faster. “Wha— what do you mean?”
Daniel, his brother, wrote a letter. For him.
And he’s receiving it now.
“He told me to give this to you when— you know…” Maddie’s eyes start to shine with unshed tears. “But when mom and dad didn’t tell you about him, I didn’t know what to do.” She takes a deep breath. “I think it’s time."
Buck clears his throat and chews his lower lip. "You kept this for all those years?" His voice comes out raspy.
"Of course I did." Maddie whispers and smiles, a tear falling down her face. She waves the envelope towards Buck. "Take it. You can read it in my room."
Buck stares at the orange paper, he keeps staring like it's too far away, then slowly takes it from Maddie's hand.
He enters Maddie's room and closes the door behind him. He sits on the edge of the bed and rests his elbows on his knees, staring at the material in his hands.
It's an orange paper that is shaped like an envelope, taped on the edges to give it a proper form. There is a writing on one side of it: it says For Evan and a heart next to it, each letter written with a different crayon.
It's probably— it is the first real, physical thing he has from Daniel. It's his handwriting.
Buck closes his eyes and takes a deep breath to calm himself because he's pretty sure he is gonna pass out if he doesn't and tears the tape on the front that's holding the two pieces together.
The folded paper falls on the floor when Buck opens the envelope— his hands are trembling like a leaf, so Buck leans on the floor to get the paper and unfolds it.
He can do this.
It's from his brother.
He starts reading.
Hey, Evan.
Nope. No. He can't do it. He's not strong enough for this. Buck tosses the paper on the bed and springs to his feet. He starts to pace up and down in the room, running his fingers through his curls over and over again.
What if it's something bad? What if it's Daniel blaming him? It's from his own brother. Daniel's own words, spoken directly to him.
He contemplates not reading it for a minute.
What if it's something that Buck won't be able to forget for the rest of his days?
But it's from Daniel.
And if he doesn't read it, Buck won't be able to see what Daniel wants to say to him.
Buck stops on his feet and runs his hand down his face. "You can do it." He whispers to himself as he sits on the bed and takes the paper in his hands, ignoring the way his heart throbs impossibly fast and how fast the blood rushes through his ears.
He starts reading again.
Hey, Evan.
I told Maddie to give this to you. I trust her, she is a good sister.
How are you? How is school? I hope you are good. I remember the day you were born, you were so little and you had chubby cheeks, I wanted to squeeze your cheeks but mom wouldn't always let me. I loved playing games with you, you would smile at me. You were so cute and I loved watching you sleep. But you cried a lot, and it was making me sad. I don't know why you were crying, but I would ask dad to hold you and he would let me, and I would sing you songs. You smelled so good. I love holding you. But sometimes I feel so tired so the doctors say I should rest, and they won't let me hold you. You were very cute and small. I have only known you for a year but I love you already. I'm writing this to you because I'm sick, mom and dad don't talk about it in front of me, but I know. I can feel it, something is wrong. But they won't tell me what. I see mom crying sometimes, but she hides it. I think I'm gonna die. I know what dying means. Mom and dad will cry, but I don't want them to be sad. Maddie told me I'm gonna get better but I don't feel good. I'm not scared, I promise. But sometimes I'm sad. I'm little now, and you're little, too, but you're gonna grow up. I hope you remember me. You are my baby brother. I love you so much. I hope you will be happy. I'm sorry for not playing with you more. I wish we had more time. I wish I had time to get to know you. What's your favorite color? Mine is blue, like the sky. And your eyes are blue, too. You have beautiful eyes. Do you like music? I love it. Maddie and I used to dance all the time. What's your favorite subject in school? I like science but I don't like math. Do you like kids? Do mom and dad talk about me? Do they still have my pictures in our home? We have so many memories, do they tell you about me? I'm sorry for not being there. I wish I could see you grow up. We would grow up together, we could be best friends. I wanted to teach you so much. I know you are only a baby now, but you're my brother and I love you. Sorry for dying so soon, you were only a baby. I could be the best big brother. But I will always be your brother. Don't feel bad for what happened. I'm not mad at you, it's not your fault. How old are you now? Do you have friends? Do you have someone you love? Are you happy? I hope you are happy. Don't be sad. You have the biggest smile. Don't forget me okay? I love you so much.
Daniel
The paper in his hand falls on the ground. He can't hold it anymore, his hands are shaking too much, they're trembling. His heart feels too heavy and it hurts, it hurts to breathe, it's like he is suffocating but there isn't enough air. There's a heavy rock on his throat and it doesn't go away. There are tears in his eyes and they keep flooding and flooding and they don't stop, they never stop, they wet his whole face and burn his eyes so much. Buck can't hear anything other than the blood running through his body, it's deafening his ears and it's blocking everything.
Daniel loved him. He adored Buck.
And they took him away. They took his whole being away and acted like he never existed. Things could have been so much different.
He chokes out a loud whimper— or he thinks he does, and an ugly sob rips his throat. He can't hold it in anymore. Not anymore. He feels like his skin is on fire and everything burns and it hurts, his heart hurts.
Buck tries to stand on his feet but the minute he does, he feels the room spinning, his head feels light, his breath keeps hitching in his throat and tears keep streaming and streaming. He crouches down and gets the paper from the ground and he holds it tight. He takes a couple of steps and rests his hand against the wall for support, and slowly slides down on the floor.
When Eddie sees Maddie's red rimmed eyes and tears still running down her face as she opens the door, he feels his blood running cold.
"What's wrong?" He asks worriedly and frowns as he lets himself in, placing his hand on Maddie's back.
Maddie shakes her head and sniffles. "It's nothing. I'm okay."
What's going on? Why is Maddie crying? Where's Buck?
"Maddie what's going on?"
Maddie swallows down her cry and sighs. "Daniel wrote a letter for Buck before he died."
It doesn't take much for Eddie to put it together. He looks around the room but doesn't see his boyfriend. "Where is he?"
Maddie nods towards the bedroom. "He won't come out."
"I'll get him."
When he quietly pushes the door open and sees the sight waiting for him, Eddie's heart shatters into millions of pieces.
Buck is sitting on the floor with his knees drawn to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs tightly. There's a wrinkled paper in his one hand, held so tight. He has his forehead resting on his knees, hiding his face from the world, and Eddie can see his body rocking back and forth ever so slightly. For a big man like him, he looks so small.
Eddie wants to hold him in his arms and tell him everything is gonna be okay. As he gets closer to Buck, he can hear the muffled short gasps of breaths and quiet whimpers.
He drops on his knees and wraps his fingers around Buck's bicep, his face close to Buck's and his other arm around Buck's back.
Just in case he falls.
"Baby." Eddie mutters softly, voice barely above a whisper, and draws himself closer to Buck, holding him tightly.
With that, Buck lets himself collapse into Eddie's chest. He wraps his arms around Eddie's neck and grips the fabric of Eddie's shirt so tight. Pressing his forehead onto the crook of Eddie's neck, a heartbreaking sob escapes Buck's lips and he starts crying uncontrollably, his cries shaking himself and Eddie.
Eddie brings his hand on the back of Buck's head and pulls him deeper into his chest as he rests his chin on Buck's head. His other hand rubs his boyfriend's back up and down.
In Maddie's bedroom, Eddie tightly holds Buck in his arms while Buck holds onto Eddie for dear life and cries his heart out until he physically can't.
They end up sprawled on the floor with their backs resting against the wall, sitting next to each other like their shoulders are glued to one another, Buck's head resting on Eddie's shoulder and their fingers locked, resting on Eddie's thigh.
Buck still has the letter in his other hand, the wrinkled piece of paper securely held. He's staring at the space before them with his tired, red rimmed eyes. Eddie keeps caressing Buck's soft skin underneath his thumb back and forth, and the only sound that fills the room is their somewhat calm breathing.
He doesn't say anything, not yet at least; he doesn't want to push Buck to talk because he knows Buck will pour it out on his own terms when he feels like it. He just waits for Buck to calm down and tries to be there for him as he can.
The shaky hand that's holding the letter appears on his thigh, offering Eddie to read it.
Eddie takes it hesitantly, and stares at the writing.
The letters are not neat per se, they are big and small with some scratch marks and heart shapes on the edges, and it feels weird. It's oddly intimate and fragile.
Then Eddie remembers, the letter is old, but the person who wrote it is young. Even younger than Chris. The realization twists something in him.
He starts reading the letter, sometimes rereading a few particular sentences, and by the time he finishes it, he feels tears prickling behind his eyes. He doesn't know how to feel about this. On one hand, it's a beautiful, naively written words from Daniel's pure heart to Buck, showing his love for his brother; on the other hand, it's a devastating reminder about how vastly different Daniel's hopes and reality are.
"Buck, this is…" He whispers. If he himself is this speechless, he can only imagine how Buck must be feeling.
Buck's head rubs Eddie's shoulder as he shakes his head. His voice sounds cracked and hoarse. "I should've gotten it way sooner."
He doesn't have an answer to that other than some harsh words for his parents, and now isn't exactly the best time to say them. But he doesn't have to say anything because Buck continues to talk after a short break.
"How could someone do this to their kids?"
Eddie throws his arm around Buck's shoulders to draw him close and rests his chin on top of Buck's head, Buck's curls tickling the side of his neck. He lets out a loud sigh. "I wish I knew."
Buck holds the paper between his fingers and pulls it on his lap, his thumb tracing along the letters. "They acted like he never existed and made me pay the price." He chokes out a scoff and his brows wrinkle. "I don't know which is worse."
"Neither of you deserved this." Eddie says firmly, but there is a softness in his tone. He squeezes Buck's arm. "Neither you, nor him."
"I don't know what to do." Buck's voice trembles as he whispers, his eyes brimming with tears.
Eddie places his hand on Buck's cheek and caresses his face. "You don't have to do anything."
"How is Maddie?"
"Why don't you go see her yourself, hm?" Eddie asks and gently disentangles himself from Buck. He gets on his feet and offers his hand. "Come on."
When Buck follows Eddie as they get out of the room, Maddie is sitting quietly on an armchair with her shoulders hunched, picking her nails.
The sight feels very familiar to Buck, like he's looking at himself, and it does something to him.
Maddie shoots her head up when Eddie clears his throat, she looks at Buck with her warm and loving eyes, and gets on her feet to rush towards him. He opens his arms and folds them around Maddie as his sister hugs him tight enough to almost crush him. But it feels good.
"I love you so much." Maddie whispers and buries her face into Buck's shirt.
Buck ducks his head, the tip of his nose brushing Maddie's shoulder. "I love you, too." He plants a tiny kiss on her shoulder. "Thank you."
"Always, Buck."
Eddie closes the door behind him and makes his way towards Buck with two cups of coffee in his hands. "There you go."
They went home after leaving Maddie's place and took a shower, a short nap and had a light dinner before going outside to sit on the yard with cozy blankets wrapped around them.
"Thanks." Buck smiles as he takes the cup and puts it on the grass.
They talked about the letter, about the past and about how it made Buck feel, they talked about it a lot , Buck cried and shouted some more, but in the end he managed to take the first step towards acceptance.
Eddie crouches next to Buck and sits with his legs crossed, taking a sip from his coffee before looking up to the sky. "The weather is nice."
Buck nods and makes a mhm sound; he lifts his head, too. He lets out a sigh before he speaks. "Is it weird that I feel kinda relieved?"
"What do you mean?" Eddie frowns and turns his head to look at Buck. The moonlight makes his baby blues shine so bright.
Buck shrugs. "I don't know, ever since Maddie told me about Daniel, some part of me was wondering if he was blaming me."
"Buck—"
"But now I know he doesn't." Buck ducks his head. "I don't know, it feels different." Then he shakes his head. "Whatever, it's stupid."
Eddie holds Buck's chin with his two fingers and raises his head to face him. Looking directly at Buck with a soft expression on his face. "It's not stupid. He was your brother, Buck. Of course he didn't blame you." His fingers run through Buck's hair and he tilts his head. "You were kids." He smiles sadly.
Tears start to dwell in Buck's eyes, looking at Eddie like he's a damn puppy; it makes Eddie feel a lot of things at the same time, Eddie isn't sure if he can even name all of them. He draws his face closer and kisses Buck on the lips, taking his sweet time.
"You know who else loves you?" Eddie arches his brow and smirks.
Buck snorts, shaking his head. "Shut up." He chuckles lightly.
Minutes, hours pass by, and they stay there with a blanket wrapped around their shoulders, watching the stars and talking about everything and nothing at the same time until the morning light, until they both feel like they can breathe again.