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Ugghhh… Why did I leave? Why didn’t I speak before I left? God, what is he thinking? He probably thinks I hate him. He probably thinks I think he’s gross. He probably thinks I’m just another rugby lad. Ugh! Why didn’t I say something before I left? Stupid! Stupid!
He probably hates me. He’ll never talk to me again. I stood him up. I kissed him and said nothing. And then I just left. God Nick. You’re so fucking stupid! I just messed everything up. I wanted to kiss him so bad. And I did. And then I just left. What is wrong with me?
I wanted to kiss him. I kissed him. I kissed Charlie! What does that mean? I like him. I like Charlie so much. But I’m not gay. I can’t be gay. I’ve kissed Tara. Surely, I would have hated that if I was gay. I’ve fancied girls for ever. So why do I suddenly like Charlie?
God, his lips were amazing. I’ve never had a kiss like that before. Why did it have to end?
What about Imogen? What about the other Higgs girls? We hang out every morning. I’ve thought about what it’d be like to kiss them before. See, I’ve thought about kissing girls. Not gay! I’ve thought about kissing…
Charlie’s hand on my neck. That was electrifying. The way he pulled me in. Our faces so close together…
God… maybe I am gay.
I was the one who suggested we go somewhere else. It was me who asked to race him so we could leave the party quicker. It was all me. I just wanted to be alone with him. I wasn’t thinking we’d kiss. Maybe just hang out, flirt a little, maybe hold his hand like I wanted to on the couch at his place.
Shit! It was all me. I’m gay. I’m totally gay. All I wanted was to be alone with Charlie so I could be gay with him. Fuck! What’s happened to me. When did I turn gay?
Ok… think! Imogen… Tara… they’re both girls. I can’t be gay. But Charlie…
God, Charlie. His smile is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. That smile has been on mine. His lips touched mine. I want that again.
Crap, what does that mean?
I’m not gay. I’m not straight. What the fuck am I?
Do I like girls? Do I like boys? I like Charlie. Yes! That’s what makes sense. Charlie. I like Charlie Spring. I like his smile. I like his dimples. I like his hair. I like the way he teases me when he beats me at Mario Kart. He wrestled me and pushed me onto the bed that time. That was exciting. Damn that snow for getting in the way. Though that snow was pretty good too. Shit. I knew back then too, didn’t I? How long have I liked Charlie for?
I should text him. I need to say something to him. What’s the time? 2:13am. Shit. It’s late. Too bad. I need to text him. What could I possibly say?
Charlie I’m so so sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just so confused right now but…
No. That’s stupid. I can’t send him that! Ughh!
What do you write to a person you just kissed? A boy you just kissed, and then ditched without saying anything?
What do I even want to say anyway? How do I tell him how I feel about him?
How do I feel about him?
I like him. A lot. But I don’t know what that means. I’m not gay. Surely, I’m not gay. But I love spending time with him. And hanging out with him. And touching his hands. And kissing him. And I want to do it more. All of it. I want to know what this means. I want to know what it means to like Charlie Spring. I want to know what it means to be liked by Charlie Spring. If he even likes me. Especially after last night.
I need to tell him. I need to let him know I’m in. I want to try this. I want to see what happens. I’m not upset with him. I’m not disgusted. I got scared when I heard Harry. But I shouldn’t have left. If only he’d stayed, he would have known.
Why did he leave? Why wasn’t he there when I got back? Why did I leave? I’m an idiot, that’s why.
I’ll see him in the morning. I’ll go to his house. How long until morning? It’s 6am. It’s morning! Shit! I didn’t sleep. That’s ok. It’s morning. I’ll go see Charlie.
Wait… it’s still too early. I’ll have to wait. Maybe I should try to sleep. How can I sleep? I need to see Charlie. Ok. I’ll plan what I’m going to say. What am I going to say?
“Charlie. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have left. I’m sorry.” No… that’s not right. “Charlie. I like you. I really like you. I shouldn’t have left.” No. “Charlie. I’m pretty sure I’m gay. I don’t know what’s happened to me.” No! Can’t say that either. Shit!
Ok, planning what to say is not a good idea. Maybe I’ll make it up on the spot. I know the things I want to say. Kind of. I just need to let him know it’s ok. I’m ok. We’re ok. I’m confused, but I’m ok. Ask him if he’s ok. Ask him what he wants. Apologise.
See, it’s easy. They’re all the things I need to say. Ok. 10:30am. I can’t wait any longer. I’m going. Remember what to say. Just start talking as soon as you see him. Shit. What if his parents open the door? They don’t know I’m coming. Shit. What if Tori opens the door? I think I’ll freeze.
God, this is taking too long. I need to run. I need to get to Charlie now. Why can’t I run faster? Charlie can run. He runs so fast. God, I love watching Charlie run. Maybe I’ll ask him to teach me to run better. We can run together. I wonder how hard it would be to hold his hand while running. I should try that one day.
One more corner. Thank fuck! I’m here. Ok. Knock. Woops. That was a bit loud. Come on Nick, steady your breathing. I know you just ran here, but you don’t want to look like a freak. Come on, slow your breathing down. Fuck. I’m so nervous.
Charlie. There is he is. Charlie! He’s so fucking adorable! Say something. Say something.
“Hi.”
