Archive of Our Own ^beta

Eddie looks at the piece of paper in his hands and the numbers written on it in blue ink. Not because he has any intention to call the number. The only reason he has it is because he’d had his hands full with tools when the woman from the call had slipped it into his pocket and then Eddie had forgotten about it until he was at the locker room after their shift, changing out of his uniform. So he’s not sitting there at the locker room bench, wondering if he should call the woman.

It must look like that though because when Chimney walks into the room and spots Eddie, it’s the first thing he asks.

“You’re thinking of calling her?”

“No,” Eddie says and stands up. He crumbles the paper and throws it in the trashcan nearby.

“Why not?”

 “I just don’t think it would work.”

“I mean–” Chimney starts as he walks to his locker and starts to change, “You don’t need to marry her. You could just give it a go. See where it goes and if it doesn’t go anywhere, it doesn’t.”

He knows Chimney has a point and he means well. People go on dates all the time and sometimes it leads to a long relationship and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it’s more casual, a way to have fun for a little while. Not everyone goes into a relationship with the intention for it to lead to a forever.

But Eddie has never really been into casual dating. He’d been friends with Shannon before they started dating and he’d known Ana before they’d started going out. He has no desire to get to know a new person and see if he could make it work with them.

The reason he was staring at the number was because he didn’t want to call her. It wasn’t the first time someone had shown interest while they were on a call, but it was the first time in a while that someone had been so forward and gone as far as actually giving him a number. It would be easy to call her, meet her somewhere and hope that they are compatible. There’s still a part of him that feels that it would set him on the right path again. He could find a relationship and his life could resemble a life he’s always lowkey thought he should be living. 

He’s learning to let go of that thought. At some point in his therapy sessions, Eddie had mentioned Ana, which had led to him talking about Shannon and the expectations his parents had always set for him. Expectations that he never quite seemed to fill.

So when the piece of paper fell from his pocket as he took off his uniform, he’d looked at it and thought of how that could be another chance to try. The woman was beautiful and she’d seemed nice, and just because things didn’t work out with Ana, didn’t mean it wouldn’t work with someone else.

But while his relationship with Ana had gone wrong in a lot of ways, it had also brought a different kind of clarity. Before starting the relationship, he’d thought that he would have had a problem with the dating part because there was still a part of him that hadn’t gotten over Shannon. And there had been hard moments, like when Ana’s summer dress looked a little too much like one that Shannon used to wear, or when they were out somewhere and someone assumed she was Christopher’s mother. But the thing that bothered him the most was how she didn’t fit. She was nice and smart and got along with Christopher, but whenever the three of them were spending time together, Eddie felt a strong sense of wrong. 

At first, he’d thought that it was because he was getting used to sharing day-to-day moments like cooking or checking Christopher’s homework or school night routines with someone else. He thought it was because he and Christopher had been a team for so long now, that it would take some getting used to having someone else around. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that it wasn’t right. 

Because more time with Ana meant less time with Buck. Buck rarely came over for dinner anymore and where Buck would usually be the one helping Christopher with school projects, it was now Ana. And it wasn't all because of Eddie’s new relationship, Buck had a relationship of his own that kept him busy. It made sense that they would have less time for each other.

But Ana didn’t fit, not like Buck did. 

Frank once asked Eddie to describe what his ideal partner would be like and it didn’t take much thinking to come up with a short list of things he looked for in a partner.

Someone he can trust, someone who loves Christopher and who sticks around when things get rough. Someone who loves him the way he is, who doesn’t expect Eddie to change a ton of things about himself.

He’d easily listed all those things to Frank. What he hadn’t told him was that he’d been thinking of his best friend as he listed the qualities of a perfect partner.

Eddie had been doing better in therapy, learning to open up and talk about his issues. It was hard work but he could see it benefiting him and by proxy Christopher. But this was a thing he needed to figure out by himself.

Falling in love with a man took him so far off the path that he was sure it was never even on the map his parents drew for him. It wasn’t anything he’d had to think about before, but the more he thought about Buck and how he feels for him, the more he understood it to be love. After the initial shock of it, it had become another fact he knows about himself.

His name is Eddie Diaz, he has brown hair and brown eyes, and he’s in love with Evan Buckley.

It’s still scary sometimes when he entertains the thought of telling Buck. And it’s painful when he thinks of the possibility of Buck finding someone and settling down with them. But it’s also inevitable, and something that is completely his.

“I don’t have time for that,” Eddie tells Chimney because saying the truth would be saying too much. And if the truth ever does come out, it’s not Chimney who deserves to be the first to hear it.

Before Chimney has time to reply, Buck walks into the room. Eddie mentally begs for Chimney to drop the subject because talking to Chimney about this is one thing but Eddie really doesn’t want to hear Buck encourage him to call the woman. 

“You ready to leave?” Buck asks Eddie.

“Yeah.”

“Great, let me just change and we can go. If we’re quick enough we can say hey to Chris before Carla takes him to school.”

“Okay.”

He’s long since stopped being surprised by things like Buck knowing Christopher’s schedule just as well as Eddie does, but his heart still warms at little things that show how intertwined Buck is with their lives. Little things that show how well he fits and how much he wants to be a part of their lives.

It’s those same little things that bring Eddie hope. That maybe his feelings aren’t one-sided, maybe there is something there to be explored when they are both ready.

Eddie picks up his bag from next to the bench and his eyes meet Chimney’s as the man closes his locker. The expression on Chimney’s face is knowing, but he doesn’t say anything.

Eddie appreciates that. If the truth does come out, it should be Eddie saying it.

“Have a good day, you two,” Chimney says before he leaves.

Eddie thinks that he always has a good day when he gets to spend it with Buck, but he doesn’t say that either.

Sometimes when Eddie is feeling brave, he thinks about telling Buck how he feels.

When he has the time and the privacy to let his thoughts wander he thinks of what-ifs. The optimistic what-ifs, where Eddie tells Buck how he feels and Buck stays. Buck returns the feelings and their relationship changes. 

Sometimes Eddie thinks he’s asking too much.

For a big part of his life, he’s thought of other people first. What would make his parents happy or what is best for Christopher. He’s always been the afterthought in his own life and he’d made peace with the fact that maybe he’d never be truly happy, not the way the people around him seemed to be. He wouldn’t go as far as saying that he’s unhappy, especially now that he’s got to build his life here in Los Angeles, where a distance from his parents has given him room to shape his life in the way he wants. True happiness just always seemed like something that was going to be out of reach for him. 

Frank has been helping Eddie see that it’s okay to be selfish every now and then and that he’s allowed to want things for himself. He’s also helped Eddie realize that by being the best version of himself, he’s being the best example for his son. That as much as Eddie wants Christopher to be happy, Christopher wants the same for Eddie.

But it’s not as simple. Just because Eddie wants to be with Buck, doesn’t mean the other man would return his feelings. Eddie is a little too used to things going south the moment things go too well. He’s not sure any amount of therapy would help turn him into an optimist.

Most of his worst-case scenarios start with him admitting his feelings and Buck not returning them. Their relationship gets awkward after he tells Buck how he feels. It would hurt, but Eddie thinks that he could be able to live with that. Eventually. Maybe after being turned down, he’d learn to let go of his feelings, and they would eventually get over it. Their friendship would never quite return to what it was, but Buck would stay in their life, and in time the awkwardness would fade.

Then there are worst-case scenarios where Buck returns the feelings, and they start dating. Everything is good for a while until Eddie messes something up. He knows he’s not the perfect partner. Things got messy with Shannon and if he’s being honest, he was never fully in it when he was dating Ana. In these worst-case scenarios, Eddie hurts Buck. He gets to have Buck and gets to live the future he dreams of and then he eventually loses it because he’s not fit to be someone’s partner. Those scenarios are the worst of the worst, and what keep him convinced that he shouldn’t risk it. 

It’s one thing to think about how great it could be to have Buck and feel the sting when he thinks about how he might never find the courage to tell him, but it would be a completely different level of pain if he were to really know what it’s like and then he’d lose it. 

Eddie’s not sure if he could learn to live with that pain.

Shannon was always upset with him when Eddie forgot an anniversary. 

It wasn’t that Eddie didn’t appreciate their relationship, he’d just never been good at remembering actual dates of when something big happened. Not their first date or even their wedding day. He just remembers that their wedding took place before summer because Christopher’s birthday is in November and it was important for Eddie’s parents that they had the wedding – just them and their families at the courthouse – before Shannon was showing signs of pregnancy.

He’d loved Shannon, but the marriage had felt like jumping into the deep end when they had just been getting used to dating. The surprise pregnancy had led them on a fast track to being a family. In one moment they had been young and in love, experiencing their first relationships and figuring out what being together meant for them. In the next, they were a husband and a wife, with a small house and a mortgage and a baby on the way.

Their life had been so busy that Eddie could barely keep track of the weekdays.

Now it feels like a sick kind of torture that the anniversary of her death seems to be ingrained in Eddie’s brain.

This year, Eddie has to work on the anniversary. He’d taken Christopher to the cemetery yesterday when he had a day off and they’d brought flowers to her grave. Christopher had picked a bouquet of yellow flowers that Eddie can’t name because yellow had been Shannon’s favorite color.

Eddie had tried his best not to let his mind wander to the yellow shirt she was wearing the day of her death and how that day had played out.

They’d spent the rest of the day looking over pictures from when Christopher was little and Eddie had told Christopher stories of her. There had been some smiles and laughter, but the overall feeling of the day had been somber. Eddie is sure his heart physically broke when Christopher broke down crying before bedtime, exhausted after an emotional day, and scared of the next loss. It wasn’t the first time he’d witnessed Christopher being afraid of losing his father as well, and Eddie knew better now than to make drastic decisions to minimize the risks, but it didn’t make it any less painful. Especially since there weren’t any promises Eddie could make to convince Christopher that he wasn’t going to die anytime soon.

So Eddie is still feeling down at work the next day, both because of the anniversary and because he couldn’t spend the day with Christopher. He’d been at work early, and with the B-shift out on a call, the station had been near empty when he arrived. After changing to his uniform, he’d found his way to one of the couches.

That’s where Buck finds him, sometime later.

Eddie is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t even notice the other man until Buck is sitting next to him, his weight making the couch cushion shift.

“Hey.”

Eddie has to clear his throat before returning the greeting, “Hey.”

“Do you want to talk?” Buck asks gently. Eddie looks at him and he can tell that Buck remembers what day today is. There’d been talk about it earlier this week when Eddie had told him about his plans for yesterday and Buck remembers and he worries and Eddie loves him a little bit more because of that.

“No,” Eddie replies. “I just wish I was with Chris today.”

Buck looks at him sadly and moves closer so he can press his thigh against Eddie’s in silent support. He doesn’t move away when the others start coming to the loft, and as their shift gets busier, Eddie notices that Buck is never far. And when their shift comes to an end that evening, Buck asks Eddie to say hi to Christopher for him.

Eddie appreciates Buck’s support so much. He almost asks for Buck to come over because he has no doubt that having Buck around would make both him and Christopher feel a little bit better. But he also thinks that today is not the day for that. 

He knows that they weren’t together when Shannon died. Even if the divorce hadn’t been finalized when she died and in the eyes of the law Eddie is seen as a widower, they hadn’t been together anymore when the accident took place. Yet there’s a part of Eddie that feels that having Buck there with them on the anniversary of her death would be disrespectful now when he’s aware of his feelings towards the other man.

So they wish each other goodnight and head to their separate cars, both heading to their own homes.

Maybe tomorrow he can ask Buck to come over, and they can take Christopher to the library or to the beach or they can stay in and play some games. Today Eddie’s wounds are a little bit too open.

The following week, Buck gets hurt on a call.

It’s too close to the anniversary of Shannon's death and the anniversary of the day Buck got crushed by the firetruck and Eddie had to stand by and helplessly watch Buck be in pain and in danger while they didn’t know if they’d be able to help him in time.

For a moment Eddie can’t breathe and he can’t move and he wants to scream but no sound comes out.

For the moment it takes between the roof of the house coming down and Buck emerging from the rubble, Eddie swears his world comes to a stop. When Buck makes it out of the wreckage, with his own two feet but swaying dangerously, Eddie takes off running. He assumes the role of a medic instead of the role of a terrified friend and he checks Buck for injuries.

He doesn’t find anything major, just some small wounds on Buck’s face and some mild burns on his wrist where his turnout coat sleeve had moved up. But Buck’s helmet has cracked and it automatically means a trip to the hospital for an extensive check-up in case of a potential head injury. When the ambulance is getting ready to leave, Bobby appears next to Eddie.

“Go,” he says, nodding his head towards the ambulance.

In the ambulance, Eddie thinks of the time he sat beside Buck’s gurney when they rushed him to the hospital after the bombing. Then he thinks of the time he sat next to Shannon, already knowing that they would never make it to the hospital in time. Then he bites his tongue to keep his focus on the present and to keep the tears at bay.

Buck is okay, he repeats to himself, they’ll make it to the hospital and everything will be fine.

They do make it to the hospital, and the check-up reveals a small concussion. Nothing to really worry about, but enough to grant Buck an overnight visit at the hospital where he’ll be monitored and then released the following morning if everything goes well. 

At the hospital, Buck makes a couple of self-deprecating jokes that make Eddie want to grab the other man by the shoulders and shake him, repeating things like you’re not expendable, you have family, you have people who love you, I’m in love with you , but he doesn’t want the love confession to be tainted by a moment so full of fear. He won’t tell Buck now, because there’s a chance Buck would think that Eddie is only telling him because of the incident when really Eddie wants to tell him all the time.

But the moment solidifies Eddie’s thoughts that he should tell Buck. That even if his feelings aren’t returned, Buck deserves to know that someone – that Eddie – loves him unconditionally.

Eddie is familiar with Buck’s dating history and he knows that it hasn’t been all good. But it’s like something has changed after Taylor. Eddie thinks that breaking up with Taylor did Buck good, and it’s not just the selfish and jealous part of him talking. Buck deserves a relationship where he’s happy, but his relationship with Taylor wasn’t like that. Eddie thinks it did Buck good to realize that, and to be the one to make the decision to end the relationship. Eddie doesn’t know why Buck hasn’t dated anyone else after Taylor. It’s been months, but there hasn’t been as much as a mention of a date or a person he’s interested in. There hasn’t even been any flirting, even though plenty of people show their interest in Buck on a weekly basis. 

The hopeful part of Eddie thinks that it's because Buck has also realized that there’s something between them, and the pessimistic part of him lives in a constant fear that maybe he’s waited too long, and the next time someone offers Buck their number, Buck’s going to take it and that person will love Buck as Buck deserves to be loved.

Eddie knows that even if there are feelings on both sides, it has to be him who makes the first move, that Buck is too afraid of pushing Eddie too fast and too far. He knows that if there really are feelings on both sides, Buck is just as – if not more – afraid of making the wrong move. This time, Buck deserves to be chosen. And maybe it’s time Eddie deserves to choose something for himself.

Some of Eddie’s confidence fades at the same rate as the scrapes on Buck’s face heal.

They are on a couch after a shift, a late-night sitcom on the television screen but their focus on each other, and the conversation is nothing to write home about, but Eddie looks at Buck and sees how at home he is on Eddie’s couch and he looks at how small the distance between their legs is and how pretty Buck looks when he smiles and laughs, and Eddie wants to tell him.

Christopher wakes up from a nightmare one Saturday morning and it barely takes thirty minutes between Eddie’s call and Buck showing up at their house, still in his sleep clothes but looking very alert. Eddie watches as Buck kneels down next to the couch where Christopher is sitting and how Christopher immediately leans forward for a hug. Eddie wants to join them in the hug because his heart aches at the reminder of how his son and Buck had to go through a natural disaster but he keeps his distance and goes to prepare coffee and breakfast, and when he comes back he sees both of them on the couch, talking in hushed voices. Buck wipes away some of the tears still lingering on Christopher’s cheeks and he’s so gentle with him and Eddie wants to tell him.

Eddie is sitting on the couch at work when Buck brings him a cup of coffee, perfect with just the right amount of sugar, and Eddie wants to tell him.

Buck smiles at him, a real smile that lights up his eyes, and Eddie wants to tell him.

Eddie wants to tell him, but every time the words get stuck like they are too big to pass his lips.

“You’re being weird,” Christopher tells him one day when they are eating dinner.

“Weird how?”

“Weird like… like you’re thinking something really hard,” Christopher says carefully. Eddie knows that his son has always been perceptive and he can only imagine how much closer look he’s giving Eddie after witnessing his breakdown.

Eddie knows dismissing Christopher’s observation would just make him worry more, but he doesn’t want to come up with an explanation and lie to his son. So he settles on saying a part of the truth.

“I can’t decide if I should do something,” he tells Christopher. “Something that might be a bad idea or it might be a really good idea.”

Christopher is quiet for a moment before he asks, “Is it something you’d want to do?” 

“I don’t know,” Eddie replies. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

Christopher looks like he’s deep in thought.

“You should make a list,” Christopher says eventually. “You always tell me to list the good things and the bad things and see which there are more.”

“You are right. I do tell you to do that,” Eddie says. And as much as he loves his son and they’ve gotten better at talking about difficult topics, this particular topic isn’t something Eddie wants to keep talking about with him so he redirects the conversation, “I’ll do that later. Do you want to tell me about your day at school?”

Christopher starts talking about a project they’re doing in art, and the focus is successfully shifted away from Eddie. He dismisses the idea of a list, feeling like this is too big to be solved by a list of pros and cons. He’ll come to a decision eventually.

When Eddie entertains the idea of telling Buck, he also thinks of how Christopher would feel if he and Buck got together. As much as Eddie knows that he’s allowed to make decisions for himself, he also knows that bringing a new person into their life on that level is also something that concerns Christopher.

He already knows that Buck loves Christopher and that Christopher loves Buck. There is a reason Eddie made Buck Christopher’s guardian in the case of Eddie’s death. The two get along like two peas in a pod and Eddie has always appreciated the way Buck treats Christopher. He helps him without being suffocating, and while he knows to be realistic, he’s always focusing on Christopher’s strengths.

Eddie knows that Buck is someone who he’d let help him parent his kid and when he thinks of it deeper, he knows that in many ways, he already is. Buck spends a lot of his free time with them, and he’s on the list of people who are allowed to pick Christopher up from school, and he knows Christopher’s schedule almost as well as Eddie does, and he knows what kind of food he likes and doesn’t like, and Eddie knows that Buck is already an important person in Christopher’s life. He knows how big of a comfort they’d been to each other back when Eddie had been shot. If he hadn’t already changed his will after the well, that would have solidified his decision.

But Eddie also knows that it would be different if Buck no longer were their best friend, but he would also be Eddie’s boyfriend.

When Eddie first told Christopher about how he was dating again, Christopher hadn’t taken the news well. Eddie still has nightmares where he finds out that Christopher took an Uber away from him and never ended up at Buck’s. But eventually, Christopher had been okay with it and he’d gotten along with Ana well. And, well, he had sought out Buck when he had been upset. That had to count for something too.

So when Eddie thinks of how Christopher would feel if Eddie were to date Buck, he’s fairly confident that Christopher would be okay with it. Maybe even really happy. But if they got together and if it would eventually lead to a breakup, Eddie is not sure how his son would be able to cope with that.

And maybe it’s sad, to consider the end of a relationship before the relationship has even had the chance to start, but Eddie has had a lot of time to think about what kind of consequences his love confession could have. Not only for himself but for Christopher too, because as much as Eddie has learned that he’s allowed to make decisions for himself, he’d never do one that would end up hurting his son.

And like with so many other things, this too leaves Eddie with a bunch of good consequences and then the ones that feel unacceptable, leaving him no closer to a decision than he was before.

Moving to California had been a good decision for more reasons than Eddie had originally thought. It gave him distance from his parents and their judging, it brought him to the 118 where he’d met new people who have become important in his life, and it made it possible to get closer with his aunt and grandmother, who he had seen rarely when he’d lived in Texas but who he now saw regularly when they lived less than half an hour away. It was important to him that Christopher had them in his life, had relatives who he could see in person, and who loved him unconditionally. And Eddie had to admit, they were a big help when it came to caring for Christopher.

Christopher still stayed with Abuela or Pepa every now and then when Eddie’s schedule didn’t meet with Carla’s schedule, and while Eddie worried about Abuela and if she was really okay looking after Christopher, she explained to Eddie every time that she was happy to do it and that the house was too quiet when she was there alone. 

So that’s why Eddie had dropped Christopher at Abuela’s house yesterday morning before his shift, and why he drives there when his shift ends the following morning.

When Eddie arrives at Abuela’s house, no one seems to be in the living room. After checking that no one is in the kitchen, he walks through the house to the backyard where he finds Abuela sitting on the porch and Christopher further back in the yard, laying on a blanket in the shade and reading a book. 

“Hey, Abuela,” Eddie says as he leans down to kiss her cheek. Abuela motions for him to take a seat on the chair next to hers and he does, waving at Christopher who notices his arrival.

“How was work?”

“It was okay,” Eddie tells her. “The day was relatively busy but we got a decent amount of rest during the night.”

Eddie was supposed to go home and rest before picking Christopher up in the afternoon. Because of the uneventful night, however, he didn’t feel like he needed any more sleep and had headed to Abuela’s straight from work.

“That’s good.”

“How was your day?”

“It was good. Christopher helped me in the garden and then we made food. There are leftovers in the fridge if you’re hungry.”

“Thank you, I’ll go get some in a moment.”

They sit in silence for a while, enjoying the peace of the morning. The sun is shining, but instead of bringing stifling heat, the warmth feels nice on Eddie’s face. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply, listening to the birds in the trees. It’s peaceful until Abuela speaks again.

“Christopher told me that you’ve been a little lost in your head lately.”

It’s an observation, but one Eddie knows is really a question. Abuela might not know exactly what happened earlier in the year, but she loves Eddie and she worries. Eddie doesn’t want her to worry about him, not because of this.

Eddie opens his eyes but he doesn’t look at Abuela, instead choosing to focus on Christopher who is focused on his book, far away enough that he can’t hear their conversation.

“I guess I have been,” Eddie tells her because there’s no use denying it. “But it’s nothing bad. I promise.”

“Is it something you’d want to talk about?” Abuela offers kindly. Eddie knows that if he were to say no, she would respect it and they could go back to enjoying the quiet. But does he want to say no?

No one knows that he’s in love with Buck. Not even his therapist. Sometimes Eddie has entertained the thought of telling someone, maybe Bobby or Hen, just so he could talk about it with someone and maybe he could get a second opinion on how smart it would be to tell Buck. But he's always decided against it, because they are all too close to Buck. Buck is like a son to Bobby and as much as Eddie values their conversations and the advice Bobby has given him before, he’s not sure this is a conversation he wants to have with him. Chimney was immediately out of the question because Eddie remembers how tragically bad the man is at keeping secrets. He thinks Hen would be his safest bet, but there’s something holding him back. He thinks it’s because Hen is close to Buck too and they spend so much time together at work that it would be weird if suddenly Hen knew. And, well, Eddie doesn’t really have many friends outside of work.

But does he really want to start with Abuela? Especially since the conversation would require coming out to her.

“I don’t know,” he replies when he thinks he’s been quiet for too long. He turns his head to the side to look at Abuela who is already looking at him. She looks patient and kind, and not for the first time Eddie thinks about how happy he is that his move to California made it possible to have Abuela in his life.

“You don’t know if you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know how to talk about it.”

“I see,” Abuela says. She’s quiet for a while like she’s thinking of the right words to say, and eventually, she ends up with, “You can do it at your own pace. I’m not in rush to go anywhere, and nothing short of a bomb will tear your boy’s attention away from that book. He’s just like you that way. I remember how much you loved to read as a kid.”

“Then life got busy and I never had time to read anymore.”

Abuela hums, “Your life is not as busy anymore, is it?”

“I suppose it’s not.”

He knows it’s not. Eddie feels settled in a way he hasn’t felt in years and he’s working on himself. He’s learning to be happy for himself and he trusts that Abuela wants the same for him.

“I’m scared,” he admits. “That things will start going downhill again. I’m really happy with where I am right now, and I’m finally thinking about myself and trying to be better. I just– I’m afraid of going too far.”

“How would you go too far?”

“By wanting too much. By wanting something…” He lowers his voice, terrified that Christopher might overhear and aware of the neighbor’s fence is just a few feet to their left. “... someone I shouldn’t.”

“In a romantic way?” Abuela clarifies.

“In any way I could get him,” Eddie says honestly, realizing that his choice of pronoun has already revealed the rest of the truth to Abuela. “But yeah, romantically too.”

Abuela doesn’t look surprised.

“Eddie, you’re the bravest man I know,” Abuela says kindly. “But you’ve always been very careful with your heart. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing, but I think Buck would be careful with it too if you gave him the chance.”

Eddie is speechless at how quickly Abuela had realized that Eddie was talking about Buck. Is he really that transparent? If Abuela can see, who else has also noticed?

“Abuela…”

“He’s a good man, Eddito,” she says. “And I don’t want to push you if you’re not ready, or if I’ve read things wrong. But I don’t think I have.”

“No,” Eddie admits because there’s no reason to lie. “You haven’t.”

“You deserve to be happy,” she tells him.

“And you’re okay with it?” Eddie asks and then clarifies. “That Buck makes me happy?”

That I go off the path. That I’m in love with a man.

“I don’t know anyone who’d be better for you,” She says earnestly, patting his arm. “Both of you.”

The words make Eddie smile, a small, soft thing that he can’t help as the feeling of warmth fills him on the inside. He feels lighter, both because he hadn’t even realized how much Abuela’s acceptance means to him and because this is the first time he’s said the words out loud. His feelings for Buck had always been real, but there’s something about it when the words are now in the world and when someone else knows too. And not just someone but Abuela, who knows Eddie and wants what’s best for him and who supports him in whatever path he’s choosing.

Something has shifted, and Eddie feels like this is just the beginning.

Eddie feels ridiculous as he sits down on the couch and pulls a notepad and a pen out of the little drawer on the side of his coffee table. It’s the same notepad they use to make grocery lists and where they keep score on game nights, but this time Eddie is going to use it to make a different kind of list.

A list of pros and cons of telling Buck about how Eddie feels.

He knows that he was against the idea at first, but he hasn’t been able to forget his talk with Abuela. The more he thinks about it the more he wants to tell Buck, but his fear is persistent and keeps muddling the good thoughts and positive outcomes. He thinks it might be clearer to sort the pros and cons to their respective lists and look at them that way.

Christopher is at school and Eddie is home alone, so that leaves Eddie an opportunity to do this without the fear of being interrupted. So Eddie takes a deep breath and on the left side of the page, he draws a small plus sign, and then on the right a small minus. 

The list on the left is easy to start. Eddie writes down ‘not needing to hide anymore’ because as much as he knows that he has the right to keep his feelings to himself, it also doesn’t feel right to keep something so big from Buck. In part because withholding something so huge feels too close to lying but also because Eddie thinks Buck deserves to know that he’s loved unconditionally, even if Eddie’s feelings aren’t returned. It would also mean that Eddie would no longer need to worry himself sick with the what-ifs. Eddie tries not to compare a love confession to ripping off a bandaid, but he can’t deny the similarities. If he manages to gather the courage to do it, his feelings will be out in the open and the situation will be out of his hands. He wouldn’t need to wonder anymore.

The only problem is that Eddie’s never been good at being vulnerable or letting go of control.

It would be easy to continue the list with things he’s dreamed of being able to do. Holding Buck’s hand, holding Buck, being able to kiss him… All things he’d be allowed to do in the best-case scenario where he tells Buck and Buck returns his feelings. But writing those out feels sillier than the concept of the list had felt. Writing them out feels too much like he’s a teenage girl writing about a crush. Too mushy and cute and lovesick, all words he’s never associated with himself and isn’t sure he’s ready to start associating now, no matter how correct they might be.

He knows that all those things are things he wants, but he’s still learning to understand that he’s allowed to want all that. So to avoid a crisis about that, Eddie decides that it all falls under the first thing he listed on the plus side because he’s wanted to do all those things for a while now. As much as he wouldn’t need to hide his feelings towards Buck, he wouldn’t need to hide the need to reach out.

On the right side of the page, he writes ‘losing Buck’. The biggest fear holding him back. He feels like he should write it a hundred times over because not a single thing on the plus side of the list is able to balance that out. If Eddie tells him and Buck doesn’t feel the same, there is a chance that things between them get complicated. Things would change and it would get awkward and while Eddie knows that Buck wouldn’t disappear from Christopher’s life, things would be different.

There aren’t many things in life that Eddie appreciates more than his friendship with Buck.

Eddie fell in love with Buck because he got to know him as a friend first. It wasn’t love at first sight, it wasn’t really attraction either because all Eddie could focus on was how Buck seemed like another person who Eddie would have to prove himself. 

So it was their friendship and the trust they built and a whole lot of self-reflection in therapy that led to Eddie understanding and accepting his feelings towards Buck. 

But it is also their friendship that makes it more difficult to tell Buck how he feels. Because of that, there’s more to lose and Eddie doesn’t know if he gets to be selfish enough to risk it all for a maybe.

He’s been through this before. He knows that falling in love with a good friend can work. But the last time Shannon had been brave, she’d asked Eddie to the movies with her and hesitantly suggested if it could be a date this time. Eddie had said yes and everything had gone well for a while, even if they didn’t get a happily ever after.

They had been very young when they got together and had both been through a lot in a relatively short time, both together and separately. Sometimes Eddie thinks of her and wonders if they’d been able to work it out if they’d had more time. If they’d been good together once they first learned to be good on their own. 

Eddie has known Buck for years by now, and he’s seen the way the other man has grown. He might not have been here to witness Buck 1.0 but he’s heard enough to know that Buck has come leaps forward from the man he was when he came to Los Angeles. He also knows that it’s the same for himself.

Eddie knows that he’s by no means perfect, but he also knows that he’s the best version of himself he’s ever been. And more importantly, he feels like he’s ready to continue putting in the effort to keep getting better. His sessions with Frank are less often now, but he hasn’t completely quit therapy. There are times when he wants to call in and cancel his appointments and times when he walks out of one feeling like he never wants to experience it again. But then he thinks of last Christmas and how far he’s come from there and how it’s been hard work but worth it, and he knows that sometimes the right decisions aren’t easy. So he goes to the next appointment and comes out of it feeling like he just got hit by a truck. It makes it easier when he notices himself letting go of old thoughts and habits, and learning new ways to cope with the ones that are there to stay. It also doesn’t hurt that Buck looks so damn proud of him every time Eddie asks him to stay with Christopher because Eddie has an appointment.

So while he knows that there’s no such thing as the perfect moment, he knows he would be ready for the relationship now. And he can only hope that Buck would be ready as well. 

Eddie shakes his head as if that could sort his thoughts in an order that makes sense. He got distracted from his list, but when is he not distracted when he thinks of Buck or their potential relationship too closely? 

He’s about to continue his list when his phone starts ringing. He picks it up from the coffee table and sees that it’s Buck and his heart skips a beat because it feels like he’s been caught.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Eds. Do you want to go running? There’s this trail about ten minutes from your house. It’s not too long, we’d be back in time to pick up Christopher.”

“Sure,” Eddie replies because he’s always eager to spend time with Buck. “I just need to change and then I’m ready to go.”

“Perfect! I’ll come and pick you up.”

They say their goodbyes and Eddie gets up from the couch, in a rush to change into his running clothes because it sounded like Buck was ready to leave and Eddie doesn’t want to keep him waiting. Eddie shoves the notepad back into the drawer, the list forgotten. He might return to it some other day, but it didn’t seem to make his mind much clearer.

A couple of days later they are at work, and he and Buck are sitting on the couch while Hen reads on the armchair. Bobby is somewhere downstairs and Chimney disappeared a while ago to call Maddie and say goodnight to Jee. Eddie and Buck are on their phones while the television is on, the volume low. 

“Hey Buck, do you want to come over tomorrow?” Eddie asks as he remembers what he had talked about with Christopher when they drove to his school this morning. “Chris saw online that you can make slime with ingredients that you find from home and he wants to try. I think I need backup for the potential mess we’ll create.”

“Oh! Yeah, with glue and baking soda!” Buck says immediately. “Sorry I can’t tomorrow, I already have plans.”

“What are you going to do?”

“An old friend got in touch and asked if we could catch up,” Buck says. “I’m having dinner with her tomorrow.”

Eddie feels like the floor suddenly disappeared from under him and it’s dumb because Buck only said that he’s going to have dinner with a friend and just because it’s with a woman doesn’t mean it’s going to be a date and it’s not rational how all the sudden Eddie feels dread that he’s missed his chance.

He’s not sure how much of that thought process shows on his face, but he’s glad Buck is focused on his phone and doesn’t see it. Judging by the eyebrow raise Hen shoots his way, Eddie didn’t quite manage to keep his spiral from showing on his face.

“Oh,” Eddie says eloquently as he manages to make his mouth work. “That’s okay, some other time maybe?”

“Yeah,” Buck replies. “She and her husband are just passing through the city, so we don’t have anything else planned. Maybe we could do that on Tuesday?”

She has a husband? Cool. That’s nice for her. Eddie takes a deep breath and bites his cheek and doesn’t look at Hen.

“Yeah, Tuesday works perfectly.”

Buck does come over on Tuesday and they make slime and there’s more of it on the newspaper covering the table than there is on the bowl, but Eddie doesn’t mind it when he can’t stop smiling the whole time as he looks at Christopher and Buck laugh.

When Buck goes home that night after dinner, Eddie has to bite his tongue so he doesn’t ask Buck to stay.

Two days later Buck follows him home after their shift. The night had been relatively uneventful, so they’d been able to catch a decent amount of rest. Christopher’s school starts earlier on Thursdays so he’d already left the house with Carla before they’d made it home. Eddie and Buck had decided to eat breakfast and settle on the couch to watch a few episodes of a show they’ve been watching, one that they watch when Christopher isn’t around because it’s not quite fitting for kids, even if Christopher is fast approaching being a teenager.

They are almost at the end of the first episode of season two when Buck’s phone rings. He picks it up from the coffee table to see who is calling him.

“It’s a number,” he tells Eddie. “I have to answer, my landlord told me that the plumber will be in contact with me about when they’ll come to fix the leaking faucet in the upstairs bathroom.”

“Okay.”

Eddie pauses the show and Buck answers the phone.

“Evan Buckley.”

Despite only being able to hear one side of the conversation, Eddie quickly gathers that it is indeed the plumber and not just some scam caller. He’s not really paying attention to the conversation until he hears– 

“Yeah let me just write that down.”

It is at the same second when Buck opens the drawer and pulls out the notepad and the pen that Eddie remembers that he never got around to throwing out his list. He can only watch as Buck freezes as he looks at Eddie’s pathetic list, his hand holding the pen frozen a few inches above the paper.

+  

not needing to hide anymore            

-

losing Buck

“Actually, I don’t have any paper with me right now,” Buck tells the person on the phone. His eyes never leave the notepad. “Do you think you could send me a message to this same number that includes the details? Thank you. Goodbye.”

The call ends and Buck lowers down the hand holding his phone. Eddie wants to do something but he doesn’t know what he could do. It seems a little too late to snatch the notepad from Buck and hide it. Whatever damage it might have done, is already done. Buck’s phone pings and signals a text message, but all he does is set the phone on the coffee table.

“What’s this?” Buck asks.

“A list,” Eddie says. He can’t tell if he’s playing for more time or if he’s just genuinely lost for words.

“I can see that,” Buck says, turning to look at Eddie. Eddie can’t help but think that Buck looks a little afraid.

“What are you hiding from me?” Buck asks. “What could be so awful that you’d lose me?”

And isn’t that so very Buck? To come to the worst conclusion that Eddie is hiding something huge that will lead to Buck being so upset he’ll never want to see Eddie. Eddie doesn't take it personally, knows that Buck has a habit of coming to the worst conclusions and his list isn’t exactly clear and informative either.

And hell, it’s not like Eddie is thinking that that option is impossible either.

The list is vague, just one note on the left side and one on the right, so Eddie could probably come up with a way to explain it in a way that would save him from revealing his feelings. But that would mean lying, and Eddie thinks that might be the only thing worse than telling the truth right now. He’s been waiting for an opportunity to tell Buck and this might not be how he imagined it, but this is also the clearest sign to actually do it than he’s ever gotten and that he’s likely to ever get.

So Eddie takes a deep breath, even though the air around him feels thinner than it should be. His chest is tight and he lifts a hand over his heart like he’d be able to calm it down that way. It’s ineffective, and Eddie has to struggle to take another breath when it feels like his heart is blocking his throat.

Great, he’s having a panic attack.

Buck also seems to notice that when his hands reach out to take Eddie’s.

“Hey,” he says, looking frantic and worried. “You don’t need to tell me. It’s okay.”

“I have to tell you.”

“Not if it’s making you panic, whatever it is,” Buck insists. And Eddie wants to cry because he knows how much it would tear Buck up inside to let this go, to never know what the words on the paper really mean. But he’s ready to accept that if it meant that Eddie didn’t need to struggle.

“I love you,” Eddie says, the words coming out in an exhale, like he’s incapable to keep them in anymore. The next breath feels tighter, but he fights to keep talking, to clarify what he means. “I’m in love with you and I’m afraid it’s going to make me lose you.”

Eddie closes his eyes then, squeezing them shut as hard as he’s squeezing Buck’s hands with his own. He can’t let go, because a part of him fears that if he does, Buck will get up and leave. It might be a little irrational, he knows Buck better than to think that he’d just get up and leave while Eddie is in the middle of a panic attack, but panic is rarely rational. So he holds on tightly.

“Eddie,” Buck says gently. “Eddie, open your eyes.”

Eddie does, and the expression on Buck’s face is still worried, but it doesn’t look like he’s ready to bolt. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Buck says, and it sounds a lot like a promise. “I love you too.”

Eddie would lean in to kiss Buck if his whole face didn’t feel numb right now.

“You do?”

Buck nods, “I really do.”

“Oh.”

His eloquent reply brings a smile to Buck’s lips.

“Yeah,” he says. “And I’d like to kiss you if that’s okay?”

Eddie nods his head frantically before he manages to get his mouth working enough to say, ”Yes.”

Buck leans in and whatever numbness had lingered is gone as soon as Buck’s lips touch his. His lips are soft and warm and tentative until Eddie responds to the kiss and they both gain confidence. Eddie knows it’s just a kiss but at the same time it’s not, and when Buck lets go of his hands so he can cradle Eddie’s face, Eddie moves his hands up so he can hold onto Buck’s wrists and he never wants to let go.

He feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest but instead of feeling like he’s having a heart attack, he feels alive. It’s only made better when they pull apart to breathe and Eddie gathers enough brainpower to register that Buck’s pulse is just as quick under his fingers.

And it’s so much better than Eddie dared imagine.

Telling Buck makes Eddie feel light in a way he hasn’t felt in a long time. Everything is going well and there are no what-ifs or worst-case scenarios. 

Buck fits and he stays and everything seems perfect for a while.

But nothing that is real can stay perfect all the time. They both still have their issues and insecurities that raise their heads every now and then. There are things they need to work on, both together and on their own and that doesn’t suddenly change now when they are in love.

New close calls happen, but neither of them needs to hold back their words or actions. Instead of going home alone, they get to go home together afterward, and the leftover fear is easier to shake when they can hold each other close.

Eddie has always known that Buck is a tactile person but being in a relationship with him teaches Eddie that maybe he is too. He sleeps better when they’re holding each other, and when they are on the couch watching television they seem to always gravitate towards each other. Eddie thinks he gravitates toward Buck everywhere else too. Hugs and kisses when they are alone, and brushing arms and pats on the shoulder when they are not. Because he’s allowed to now, and Buck seems to be just as eager to return the touches.

So while everything isn’t perfect all the time, it’s still pretty great. 

They decide to keep their relationship a secret for a while. They want to figure out what it means for them and they want to enjoy it privately for a while before everyone in their lives will know. There’s also a little thrill in knowing while no one else knows. Meaningful looks and stolen kisses at work, and quiet moments after Christopher has gone to bed. The relationship is new and exciting and for a while, it’s completely theirs.

When they start talking about potentially telling people soon, there was never a question about who should be the first one to know.

They decide to tell Christopher during one of their movie nights.

Eddie is nervous but hopeful that everything will go well. He likes to think he knows his son well, and he knows that Christopher adores Buck, isn’t against Eddie dating, and wants Eddie to be happy. So he’s fairly confident he will be happy about the news, even if the news might come as a surprise.

“Are you sure you want me to be here?” Buck asks as he’s pacing the kitchen. There’s still half an hour to kill before they need to leave the house to pick up Christopher from school and Buck is a nervous mess.

“I always want you here,” Eddie tells him honestly from where he’s leaning against the sink.

Buck turns to give him a weak smile before he continues his circle around the kitchen island.

“That’s sweet, baby, but I’m serious.”

“So am I. I always want you here. And this is something that concerns all three of us. I do think it’s better if we’re all here for the conversation.”

And maybe, just maybe, Eddie is a little nervous too, and he feels better about not having to do this alone.

“But what if he’s too scared to say what he really feels? That boy is so sweet and considerate, I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide how he really feels because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.”

Buck seems really anxious about this so, in the next round, when Buck is passing Eddie, Eddie grabs hold of Buck’s hand and pulls him to a stop. Buck turns to look at him and Eddie takes hold of his other hand as well, pulling Buck so they are standing toe to toe. 

“He loves you,” Eddie says. He waits for the words to sink in and the frown on Buck’s face to lessen before he continues. “And he might be surprised by the news. But I think eventually he’ll be happy.”

“But what if he’s not?”

The words are whispered between them, a quiet admission of fear that Eddie doesn’t want to dismiss. 

“Then we talk to him. Together and separately. We give him time to get used to it and to see that in reality, not much is going to change. You’re already family to him, Buck. You’ve been there for him during some of the worst moments of his life and you’ve been there for a lot of the best moments. I think he just needs to know that he’s still just as important to you and that nothing has changed even though you now love me.”

“Of course he is,” Buck says immediately. “I have plenty of love for both of you.”

“I know you do,” Eddie tells him fondly and pulls him down for a kiss, hoping to erase the frown that lingers on Buck’s face.

One kiss turns to two turns to three turns to half an hour of missed time. By the time Eddie looks at the time on the microwave, they are already a little late from when they were supposed to leave. Eddie gives Buck one last peck on the lips and nods towards the door.

“Come on, let’s go get our kid.”

They pick up Christopher and make a quick stop at a store to get snacks before coming back to the house. Christopher sits down at the kitchen table to finish his homework, while Eddie and Buck make preparations for their food. They agreed to make their own pizzas, so they prepare the dough and get out all the ingredients so they can make the pizzas once Christopher is done with homework.

The atmosphere in the kitchen is a little tense because Buck and Eddie agreed to talk to Christopher while they were eating, and they are both obviously thinking about that while they work together. At one point when Eddie is cutting tomatoes and Buck is wrists deep in the pizza dough, Eddie steps a little closer so he can bump his hip against Buck’s. When he has the other man’s attention, he smiles in a way he hopes is encouraging

‘Love you,’ he mouths at Buck, which makes Buck smile.

Mission accomplished.

After a while, Christopher announces that he’s done with homework and he packs his books back into the backpack and goes to wash his hands, and it’s almost like any other movie night as all three of them prepare their food together. 

Once the pizzas are out of the oven and they are sitting at the table ready to eat, Eddie clears his throat.

“Chris,” he says, getting the boy's attention. “There’s something I would like to talk to you about.”

Christopher looks at him and the expression on his face is guarded, and Eddie wants to reassure him that it’s not anything bad but the nerves have got him and he’s wondering what he should be saying next. 

Then Buck takes his hand and holds it on top of the table and Eddie looks at Buck but Buck is looking at Christopher.

“Something we would like to talk to you.”

And Eddie looks at Christopher and he can see the confusion clear on his face and then Christopher is smiling and Eddie feels a lot lighter.

“Are you two together?” He asks, getting straight to the point.

“We are,” Eddie tells him, feeling braver when the smile on Christopher’s face never falters. “I love Buck and we’re together.”

“I love your dad so much,” Buck tells Christopher and the words hit Eddie straight in the chest. It’s one thing to hear Buck say the words to Eddie himself, but it’s different to hear him say the words to someone else, to Christopher , so confidently. Eddie squeezes the hand holding his. 

“We want you to know that things aren’t going to change much,” Eddie says. “We’ll go on dates but we’ll still have movie nights with the three of us and do all the things we used to do before. If anything, you’re probably going to be seeing Buck around more.”

“I like that,” Christopher says. “It’s always a little sad when Buck leaves.”

Eddie turns his head towards Buck who has his mouth open but no words are coming out. Eddie sees the way Buck’s eyes are shining and how he’s blinking a little too rapidly for it to be normal.

“Yeah,” Eddie says, not being able to help himself. “It is.”

They finish their dinner and move to the living room where Christopher takes the armchair and Buck and Eddie get the couch. When the movie starts and they focus on the television, Eddie decides to test the waters and moves closer to Buck to which Buck replies by lifting his arm so Eddie can lean against his side and rest his head on Buck’s shoulder in a way they often do when they are watching television with just the two of them.

Like Eddie had expected it to, the movement captures Christopher’s attention. When he looks at Eddie and Buck on the couch, he smiles before looking back at the television. 

Eddie smiles too and hides the smile on Buck’s shoulder.

They agree to tell their team during their next shift. They ask Bobby if they could have a word with him in the office at the start of their shift and then they walk out of there holding hands and let their team come to the right conclusion on their own.

There are smiles and cheers and hugs and Eddie feels so loved he doesn’t even mind it when Chimney and Hen both claim that they already knew and were waiting for them to do something about the clear feelings they both had for each other.

It might have taken them a while but Eddie doesn’t regret that. He doesn’t know what would have happened if Buck had told him about his feelings a year ago, and he’s learning to let go of what-ifs. Rarely will they have done him any good. There’s a possibility they would have found each other earlier or they could have drifted apart because one of them had the wrong timing but none of it matters because they have each other now.

And now everyone at work knows, which grants them more freedom.

Eddie loves and respects his job enough to stay professional during shift, and he knows Buck does too. But that doesn’t stop them from sitting next to each other and holding hands when they’re watching television between calls or sneaking in quick reassuring kisses when the emergencies hit too hard.

They stay professional but it’s freeing to know that they don’t need to hide from their friends anymore.

Buck fits with them so well.

Eventually, Buck’s lease runs out and he moves in with Eddie and Christopher. Not that it really makes a difference, because Buck has been spending most nights at the house already. It’s been weeks since there were any real groceries in Buck’s fridge. 

The left side of the bed is now Buck’s side of the bed, and the comforter they have there is the plush one from Buck’s bed rather than the old thing Eddie brought with him from Texas. And every night, when they go to bed, he tells Buck that he loves him.

Eddie tells Buck he loves him after Buck tells a dumb joke at the Sunday lunch they have at Abuela’s, and Abuela looks so proud of him. When Buck replies with an ‘I love you too’, Pepa smiles and congratulates them.

He tells Buck when he’s stressing about what to wear to his first parent-teacher meeting so he can give the best impression.

He tells Buck on a random Wednesday evening when they’ve finished dinner and Buck is doing the dishes while Eddie is putting leftovers away, just because he’s suddenly hit with the feeling and needs Buck to know.

They tell each other on good days and bad days and on the days that fit somewhere in the middle.

Eddie tells Buck that he loves him and those three words have never felt easier to say.

It’s been a while since they’ve done this, gotten together at a bar after work. If Eddie remembers right, the last time was sometime before Christmas. The rest of the team had met up in a bar after the big rescue where someone had put a bomb in a car and Eddie had helped the team from dispatch, but back then Eddie had turned at the door. This time Buck holds his hand as they step inside and find a table.

The whole team is there and Maddie, Athena, and Karen should be joining them soon.

“I’m going to get us something to drink,” Eddie tells Buck as the other man sits down. “You want a beer?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“I’m going to come with you,” Chimney says.

“Me too,” Hen says, and they all start heading towards the bar.

Eddie orders two beers and leans against the counter while waiting for the bartender to bring him the bottles. It’s a weekday and the bar isn’t really busy, so Eddie is a bit thrown off when someone pushes between him and Chimney when there’s plenty of space on Eddie’s right side.

Eddie turns to look at the person and finds it to be a woman around his age, maybe a few years younger or a few years older. She’s looking at Eddie instead of trying to catch the bartender's attention.

“Can I help you?” Eddie asks the woman.

“You could let me buy you a drink,” the woman says, looking Eddie up and down in a way that wasn’t meant to be missed.

“I’m sorry but my boyfriend is waiting for me,” Eddie says deliberately.

It’s easy to turn her down.

The woman apologizes and leaves, and when she’s gone, Eddie sees Chimney. It’s obvious that the other man was paying attention to the short conversation that took place between Eddie and the woman, and he smiles when Eddie looks at him.

“I bet that felt good to say.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says and smiles. “It really did.”

He has a boyfriend, he has Buck , and he no longer needs to wonder what other people think he should do. He knows what he wants to do and who he wants to be with, and while it took him a while to get there, he’s finally truly happy.

His parents don’t know about Buck yet, but Eddie is trying not to stress about their reaction. He’d be lying if he said that he doesn’t care. He spent so long looking for their approval that a part of him is hoping that they take the news well and can see how good Buck is for him and Christopher and that they’ll be happy for him. But he also knows that if they disapprove, it doesn’t mean Eddie did something wrong.

While he wants their approval and he wants to make them proud, he no longer needs it. He’s done sacrificing his own happiness trying to please them. They thought Eddie was ruining everything when he decided to move to Los Angeles, but Eddie knows that it was one of the best decisions he’s ever made. He doesn’t know where he’d be now if he never left Texas, but he’s fairly sure he wouldn’t be happy. 

And he’s so happy now, he thinks, as he places the bottles on their table and sits down on the booth next to Buck, and Buck’s arm immediately finds its way around Eddie’s shoulders. He feels happy and loved, and even with all the time in the world, he wouldn’t be able to list all the good things that have come from dating his best friend.

Eddie leans closer to Buck.

“I love you,” he says to Buck’s ear. Loud enough that Buck can hear it over the music in the bar but quiet enough that their friends don’t hear them, distracted as they are with their own conversations.

Eddie leans back just in time to see the happy surprise on Buck’s face. Not because of the words themselves, but probably because of the odd time to hear them.

He kisses the side of Eddie’s head and turns his head so his lips brush against Eddie’s ear when he returns the words.

“I love you, too.”