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Lang Qianqiu quietly walked down the small pathway leading to Xie Lian’s temporary training area. Usually, Guzi would meet Lang Qianqiu further from Xie Lian’s small cottage after his Sunday training. It was Lang Qianqiu’s idea, as he would like to have as few awkward conversations with his former teacher as possible. He didn’t really know why he felt a need to take a peek at their training now, considering it had been weeks since Guzi first started coming. And yet his feet silently moved on their own, guiding him behind the cottage, and past a thin creek to a small, cleared area in the mostly recluded forest that Xie Lian lived in. He peeked out from behind a large tree, listening to the somewhat loud voices of Xie Lian, Guzi, and who seemed to be Feng Xin.
He listened to their guidance as Guzi complained about how, “Papa is probably waiting for me now–shouldn’t I leave?”, which Lang Qianqiu couldn’t help but interpret as a poor excuse to get out of difficult training. He took another step closer, trying to hear Xie Lian better (because Xie Lian just always had to be the soft-spoken one). He tried not to cringe as he stepped on a branch, a snap! sounding throughout the woods. He jumped back behind the tree, his face heating up.
“Hey, what was that?”
Lang Qianqiu covered his face as it grew hot. He already didn’t know why he felt a need to walk over there, but now he was just going to embarrass himself.
A firm hand grasped his shoulder, “Lang Qianqiu?”
He jumped slightly, trying not to look Feng Xin in the eyes, “I was just coming over to see when Guzi would be done training, that’s all.”
Feng Xin released Lang Qianqiu’s shoulder, clapping him on the back. “Well don’t act like a stranger–he’s right over here!” He pointed behind him with his other hand, taking a step back to join the others. Lang Qianqiu awkwardly shuffled after him, keeping his eyes on his feet.
“Guzi, it’s your lucky day.”
Guzi dropped the training sword in his hands, quickly jumping over to Lang Qianqiu, wrapping his arms around him.
“Papa!”
Lang Qianqiu gave him a quick head-pat.
“Why do I never get hugs like that?”
“Because you’re not his father, Feng Xin,” Xie Lian chimed in.
Feng Xin mumbled something under his breath, picking up Guzi’s abandoned training sword. Guzi finally released Lang Qianqiu from the tight hug that he had caught him in.
“Papa, do you wanna see the moves I learned today?”
“Guzi, I’m sure Lang Qianqiu is here for something important,” Xie Lian bent down, crouching at eye level with Guzi, “So how about you go wash up inside, and we’ll talk to your papa, okay?”
Guzi nodded, running off in the direction of the cottage after giving Lang Qianqiu one last glance. Xie Lian stood back up, facing Lang Qianqiu.
“So..is there something we need to discuss?”
Lang Qianqiu glanced between Xie Lian and Feng Xin, his face turning red.
“Uhm...” He had no idea if there was something they needed to talk about. He didn’t know why he came all the way here in the first place.
“You okay, kid?”
Lang Qianqiu turned slightly, giving a small bow. “I’m fine. I’m sorry for causing any worry. I...don’t really know why I came here. I guess...” He blinked, taking a quick breath, “I guess I was just curious if your training style has changed. That’s all.”
Xie Lian gave a light laugh, “No...at least I don’t think it has! Though it’s always a little different when Feng Xin or Mu Qing join me...”
Feng Xin whipped his head around, “-Hey wait a minute, since when was Mu Qing also helping to train him?! No way he’s any help..”
Xie Lian quickly brushed the remark off. “He’s quite helpful with discipline at least! Not that it’s very needed. You’ve been raising him well, Lang Qianqiu.”
Lang Qianqiu lowered his head. He’d be lying if he said the last few weeks (past year if he was going to be fully honest with himself) haven’t been hard. And strange. He felt trapped, almost. Everything that had happened that night, ever since the day he recognized Xie Lian, had flooded back. He thought he was fine. Why wasn’t he fine? It had been 300 years. It had been so long since he’s had a nightmare about it. It had been such a long time since he had to relive staring at the pools of blood and smelling the stench of their bodies. It shouldn’t be this hard. Why did it have to be this hard?!
He let out a quick breath. He knew why. He was fine until he came back. It was ridiculous to still be mad. He asked him to train his kid for god's sake. And yet, Lang Qianqiu couldn’t avoid the deep resentment that always seemed to be present. And maybe it wasn’t just toward Xie Lian. Maybe it was towards everything. Everyone. Why was he the only one who couldn’t let go?
His eyes widened, snapping back into reality. Feng Xin held him steady, seeming to ask again, “Kid, what the fuck is going on with you?”
Lang Qianqiu’s lip quivered. He didn’t stop to think before he latched onto Feng Xin, burying his face in the crook of his neck to hide the tears that started rolling down his cheeks. He felt Feng Xin hug him back, squeezing him tightly while murmuring something to Xie Lian.
He wished Xie Lian could just forget him. He wished he could forget Xie Lian. It wasn’t just resentment. He was so...sad. There was no better word to describe it. He wasn’t just sad that he killed his father. He wasn’t just sad that his beloved mentor betrayed him. No, he was also sad because now he could see that Xie Lian was never happy . Not when he was training Lang Qianqiu. Looking back at those five years, he couldn’t think of a single time Xie Lian gave him a genuine smile. It was a pathetic thing to be upset about, really. And yet, it struck Lang Qianqiu to his core. Two of the people closest to him in his entire childhood, were never truly happy around him. How cruel.
Was it his fault? Was he unlovable? He was. He had to be. He swallowed hard, avoiding the urge to scream. To lash out. It was so unfair that he was the only one like this. The only one that seemed to always be angry. He wanted to hit something. It was always easier than just being sad.
Why did Xie Lian have to be so kind now? Why did he have to seem so happy?? Why didn’t Lang Qianqiu get that? Why was everyone else fine now?
“I’m sorry...I’m sorry that I was never worth being happy for.”
Lang Qianqiu finally opened his eyes, focusing on Xie Lian ahead of him. His expression was strangely unreadable. Feng Xin pulled out of the embrace, now holding him by the shoulders.
He had a complicated expression on his face before saying, “Gods...you are just like Xie Lian.”
Lang Qianqiu deflated slightly.
“Everyone in the world has their own shit going on, just because one person isn’t happy around you, doesn’t mean you're unlovable or whatever crap you were about to spew.”
Xie Lian took a step closer. “And for the record, you were never the reason I was ever unhappy, Lang Qianqiu. If I could train you again, as the person I am now, I’d be even happier than I am now. Though I don’t think you really needed my guidance in the end. You...” Xie Lian paused for a moment, “...I’m proud of you. I’ve always been proud of you.”
Lang Qianqiu grabbed Xie Lian, hugging him tightly. Large tears rolled down his face. He hadn’t cried this much in ages. He had never been fine, had he?
He sniffled, once again pulling out of the hug.
“Master, do you think...do you think I’ll ever be okay?”
Xie Lian looked back at him, understanding written in his eyes, “Of course you will.”
Feng Xin patted his shoulder, “And don’t be so hard on yourself! That’s something Mu Qing would do. And that’s how you know it’s stupid.”
Lang Qianqiu flashed a smile, wiping the tears off his face. He turned to Xie Lian, cheeks turning pink for what was probably the millionth time, “I…shouldn't be very busy tomorrow afternoon so maybe, we could-”
“Have lunch?” Xie Lian visibly brightened up at the idea, “I’d love to have you over!”
Feng Xin and Lang Qianqiu both shared a look before Lang Qianqiu quickly replied.
“How about we go out to eat instead–just so that you don’t have to do any dishes or anything...”
Xie Lian seemed pleased with that answer, giving Lang Qianqiu another quick hug.
“Perfect! It’ll be just the two of us. Or–three more like.” Xie Lian looked past Lang Qianqiu. Lang Qianqiu turned around, meeting the eyes of Guzi, who had a sheepish smile on his face.
“Guzi, how long have you been standing there?”
Guzi shrugged.
“Is papa okay?”
Lang Qianqiu stepped over to Guzi, picking him up and holding him on his hip.
“I’ll be okay once you learn to stay out of trouble.”
Guzi giggled, wrapping his arms around Lang Qianqiu.
He took one last glance at the others before leaving with Guzi. A soft smile formed on his lips as they walked. He was going to be okay.