Chapter Text
“Have you heard the rumors?” Rukia asked you.
You looked up from the book you had been studying a little too intensely; even after reading the paragraph for the third time nothing made any sense.
“About the Adjuchas that’s supposed to be in town.”
“An Adjuchas?” you asked and you hoped your eyes did not betray your honest interest, “Did you get rid of it?”
Rukia shook her head and rubbed her chin with her fingertips.
“As I said, it’s just a rumor. But apparently it has been seen at night around the park when the moon is out. Kind of romantic, really.”
“Except it’s a giant monster that eats human flesh,” you muttered and smoothed down the pages in front of you. Medicine this, medicine that. You were sick to the core of reading about the texture of human skin.
Rukia looked at you strangely from where she was perched on top of the shelf in your wardrobe.
“You haven’t called them that in ages,” she commented and cocked her head, “Monsters.”
Intracellular concentration of calcium, you read, fluctuates due to semi-permeability of the membrane. Your brain processed it; the easy version of the ten pages you had to know by heart in a few weeks.
The words swirled around your mind, one giant cluster of complicated terms and answers to questions you had never asked.
All of them revolved around human conditions, human ailments. The book lay heavy on your lap, its spine worn and the color fading.
“Ichigo?” Rukia asked with concern, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
You looked up at her, your eyes bleary. Even with your fingers hastily pressed against your lips you could not stifle a yawn.
“Sorry, Rukia,” you said sheepishly and blinked, “But I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. I’ll look into it if I find the time, but I really need to get this done before-”
“It’s fine,” she interrupted you and smiled, “I just wanted you to know so you can be more careful. Yuzu and Karin might have to go that way after school.”
It occurred to you that it had never been help she was after; you were so used to people asking things of you that you barely considered her intentions might have been different.
“Thanks,” you said and returned her smile with a weariness that irritated you. With barely eighteen years you should not have to feel this old.
“You fool, get back to work. If you start slacking off now I won’t take your human business as an excuse, you know,” Rukia scolded you, but her voice was kind and playful. It had always been about this with the two of you, the words left unsaid and those gestures of trust. Anything blunt, anything that needed explicit confirmation left you unsure. It was in your nature to protect, but actions always spoke louder than words for you.
“Tell me if you find out anything more, okay?” you asked and traced the picture on the page you had last read. A human hand shown in several positions. Open palm. Fingers drawn into a fist.
“Sure,” Rukia told you, “It might be a while before I can come here again, though. My brother asked for my assistance, I think something is going on with the other three noble houses.”
“That’s alright, I will be busy too.”
“You know that if anything happens you can still call for help, right?”
“Like I’d need help with a single Adjuchas,” you laughed, “Don’t sell me short just because you are.”
Rukia threw a screaming Kon at you and you laughed as she followed it up with insults.
For just a moment you could forget about the words spread out before you, about their weight and the future they carried with them.
“Ichi, do you know what you want to do once you’re done with university?” Yuzu asked you at dinner that day.
You exhaled audibly and rolled your eyes. The look of hurt on your face did not escape your notice, but the twitching in your mind was stronger. It was like a thumping in your chest besides the heart, something stronger and considerably more frantic.
“I don’t know yet,” you said, “Probably use it for something, I guess. Become a doctor, maybe.”
Their eyes were on you, three sets of them and their smiles mortified you. All would have been well had you not known they saw right through you.
“No matter what happens, we’ll always support you,” their smiles read and their eyes whispered voicelessly, “Through the bad and the worst and the best of times.”
Too bad they were not the ones you needed to prove something to; too bad they were not your own organs twisted in shame whenever you remembered the past.
“You deserve to be happy, Ichi,” Yuzu said and laughed, a tiny, bubbly sound.
“You put too much spice in this,” you answered and cracked a wary smile, “Look, you’re tearing up.”
Your sister giggled some more and you envied her, at least until Karin reached out and hit you over the head.
“You idiot,” she said and frowned, “No one expects as much from you as you do.”
It was a good thing to say, a nice thing. You filed it away for a later date, for a time when you needed it more.
Looking over to the other side of the table you saw your dad smiling as well. It was one of his goofy expressions but somehow you could feel the tension in your shoulders reduce and smooth out.
However, the calm did not last for very long. The storm was coming.
Thunder rolled later that night and you opened your eyes as soon as it did.
Rain, as chipper and loud as it had always been.
It overwhelmed you, more of a feeling than a natural occurrence. You shivered in the cold and sat up, the dark all around you thick and disconcerting.
Your skin prickled and you raised a hand to rub your neck, pushing the uncomfortable feeling back into the safety of your body.
“What the fuck?” you muttered and pressed your palms against your eyes until you saw stars.
Within seconds the ache spread from your neck to your stomach, your legs, the tips of your toes. There was no word for it, no reason to name it. After all, all that glittered was gold and all that mattered to you was gathered in this clinic.
Sometimes it all felt condensed, like you had compressed the entirety of your life into just this room and a few others. It didn’t help that you had traveled between worlds before when now all you did was stare at pages littered with anatomical drawings.
You sighed and wiped a hand across your face. In peace times there was no need for your somber mood and it felt petty to complain when you traded boredom for an end to the deaths.
You traced your fingers up your arms until they were splayed out on your shoulders. Even in the cold of night your hands were sweaty and skin stuck to skin. Any other day you would have gone right back to sleep, hoping for a dreamless descent.
Today there was thunder in your ears and lightning in the corner of your eye.
The curtains were heavy as you pulled them aside. Immediately the dull light of the streetlamps spread inside your room, across your fingertips. Outside there were storm clouds and the occasional spout of lightning; rain and darkness and the cold you could sense as it radiated from the glass of your window.
The street was empty and you watched it for a while, the wet asphalt and bleak circles of light around the streetlamps. It was dark and gloomy and the feeling of a late night tugged at your heartstrings.
Then you saw it, on the opposite row of houses where the light did not quite reach. A shadow; no, maybe even less than this. A glimpse of something, vanishing as quickly as it appeared.
You could have passed it off as a trick of the eye had it not been for the flare of reiatsu that sent your heart into a frenzy.
It had been so long.
Sleep did not come easy that night, not with your pulse racing and your eyes wide open. They began to sting as you kept on watching the street, always looking for another hint of power, another indication that world behind the mirror was still there. Your friends were one thing; the promise of danger another.
You caught yourself laughing as you settled down on the pillow in the earliest hours of the morning. The sound was peculiar and you pressed a hand to your lips as if that could help keep it inside.
The lecture was the same as always and you desperately wanted to trade the blackboard for the window at your side. Your eyes grew tired of the same scenery quickly, but at least the clouds moved and the birds flew past. At least they were alive and not just words, people speaking of things you didn’t care about.
People beside you were taking notes of everything the professor in front said and you felt like that was the smart thing to do. But your arms felt heavy and your head was filled with cotton.
Time dragged on and you with it, the ticking of a clock slowed down until you felt like you were chewing on stringy meat.
Then, suddenly, it was over and you dragged yourself outside. Fresh air filled your lungs and you felt like it was the first breath in ages that didn’t taste stale.
“Sorry, I got something to take care of first,” you told the people who wanted you to come along, maybe get something to drink.
They watched you with concern as you jogged away from them. Of course they didn’t know you were still stuck in the past and its many worlds, but they could tell there was something on your mind that distanced you from them. How could it not? You had saved this world before you even got the chance to find out what it looked like.
The park was silent and warmed by sunlight as you arrived, even as it began to grow dark. Your steps led you over the grass and the hills, the narrow paths and to one of the small lakes.
A few months ago you would have laughed at the thought of staring wistfully at the small waves to chase away your worries. Now you were not so sure anymore, there was something calming about the steady rise and fall of the waterfront. Rukia had seen right through you even weeks ago.
“You miss the fighting, don’t you?” she had asked and frowned, “The excitement, the rush of battle.”
“Shut up,” you grumbled back then, “No I don’t. Why would I? We’ve got peace now, I can live my life.”
She was not exactly right, but close enough to the truth to remind you why you were never quite satisfied with how things had turned out.
It wasn’t the fights you missed, you contemplated as you threw a rock out onto the lake. You watched as it sank and threw another.
What you missed was the reality of those other worlds, the something more that a human life failed to give you. Peace was not the problem, humanity as the only applicable construct was. By now you were more than that, more than you had been three years ago before Rukia showed you her world.
You sighed and traced your fingertips over the muddy ground.
“Get a grip,” you told yourself, “It’ll pass before you know it.”
As you got up, you saw the shadow move on the other side of the lake.
“I think I saw your Adjuchas,” you told Rukia as she came over to visit later that day. It was a common occurrence these days and you had gotten used to seeing her at your dinner table. At some point you suspected she knew how much you missed her and her world and came around just to remind you it had been real. Still was, maybe.
“Really? Where?” she wanted to know and furrowed her brow, “We need to take care of it immediately, who knows what it’s going to do if we don’t.”
You stared at her blankly and wondered why you disagreed.
“I’ll take care of it,” you said and shrugged, “It’s no big deal. Let’s keep it between the two of us, okay?”
Rukia hesitated, but something about your words seemed to get to her. Maybe it was the way you phrased it or the slight inconsistency in your voice. As one of your closest friends she picked up on the uncertainties so easily, as easy as taking apart a delicate flower. Even with her eyes closed she would never fail to expose everything.
“I know you don’t think this is enough,” she said and her expression softened, “But you were human first, Ichigo. Take your time and enjoy being one while you can.”
You averted your eyes and exhaled.
“Yeah,” you breathed out and curled your fingers in the blanket beneath your tense body, “I guess.”
As Rukia left you barely waited another minute before you jumped out of your window and ran off into the night.
The waves were silent at night, the water dark and deep like a chasm to the core of the earth. It made you feel tiny and insignificant for a change and a kinder man might have written poetry to match your feelings.
All you needed was the sensation of something ethereal in the air, something more than just human words and thoughts and images.
As you sat down to clear your head there was a shadow that caught your attention.
Movement in your peripheral vision, steps across damp grass. Then reiatsu, pouring out and washing over you in waves.
You turned your head so quickly it hurt your neck; you didn’t care.
“I know you’re there,” you said and clambered to your knees, “Adjuchas.”
A rustle in the trees, careful steps in your direction. In the dark you could only make out the faint outline of a slim body tiptoeing around the space you had occupied. Occasionally the light was reflected by its eyes, bright and careful as it stalked the premises like the predator it was.
“You’re the first one I’ve seen in months,” you whispered and shook your head, “God, I sound like an idiot. I should kill you, not talk to you.”
No reaction. Eyes glinted, claws pawed at the ground. Then it fell quiet and watched you.
“Hueco Mundo is gone, isn’t it?” you continued and the smile you had mustered up faded, “It was completely destroyed. Is that why you came here? Because there was nowhere else to go?”
Its reiatsu shivered as if it could feel the cold. Undoubtedly hollow, you thought. After all this time you had learned how to discern your foes from your friends. Right now this Adjuchas felt like neither to you; for now it was a bridge between worlds, maybe the only one in the entire universe who could understand how you felt.
“Do I have to kill you?” you asked.
“Do I have to?” you asked yourself, the words spoken out loud only to ease your conscience.
Although you had no answer to the question you took a step forward, shaky and doubtful.
The creature shied away from you as if it could sense the blood of its kin on your hands. No one could deny that you had slaughtered many of them, of the bloodthirsty Hollows and the humanoid ones, the cruel and the empty alike.
As you crawled closer the reiatsu sparked once more and you flinched as if struck. It was a warning, a threat. Stay away or I’ll kill you. Stand down or I’ll tear you apart.
However, that was not what caused you to stop and stare. Threats had never really worked against you, not if you had no choice but to fight.
What shocked you was the familiar feel of the intense reiatsu, how it felt natural to approach you like this.
Two glowing points in the shadows emerged as the light was reflected again. Blue. They were blue.
“Grimmjow,” you gasped. No hesitation, no doubt in your mind. There was no need to stall or keep quiet about your epiphany, it was there as quick as a lightning strike.
The creature before you seemed frozen in place for moment. Then it bolted and before you could even register the movement it was gone again.
The lake was calm, the waves soft and harmless. You stared down at your hands and your words echoed in your mind like a malfunctioning audio recording.
Do I have to kill you?
Rukia looked at you with sadness evident in her eyes even if she tried to hide it.
“Ichigo,” she began and you knew everything that followed would not please you.
“Save it,” you interrupted her and sank down into the kitchen chair, “I don’t wanna hear it.”
“Ichigo,” Rukia repeated and forced you to look at her, “That’s impossible. You know-”
“I know damn well what happened. That doesn’t change shit. I know what I saw.”
“You saw it? The Adjuchas?” Renji asked and leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest.
They all came to visit you whenever they could and you were grateful enough not to thank them, ever. It was nothing they needed to know you appreciated; they didn’t do it to do you a favor.
“Yeah, I did,” you admitted and shrugged, “It didn’t attack me.”
Rukia shot you a glance as if she was afraid you would repeat what you had said to her just minutes ago. The unbelievable, the ludicrous.
“Where was that?” Renji said and frowned, “We can’t let it just roam free. Humans could get hurt if it decides to attack someone weaker than you.”
Their eyes were on you, expectant and honest. No matter their trust, you didn’t have to think twice about your answer.
“Near the old hospital,” you said, “I went there yesterday because I felt its reiatsu. Even after all this time it was impossible to miss.”
“Then why didn’t you kill it?”
Renji’s question startled you even if it was justified. To them Hollows still had to be nothing but mindless monsters; if they ever threatened Soul Society it was the shinigami who would have to clean up after them. Since Hueco Mundo was ground into dust there were not many other options for the few evil spirits prowling the earth. Seiretei was a death trap, a one way ticket to annihilation, but it was more than a desolate wasteland with no spirit particles left.
“I don’t know, I just-” you began and paused as you caught Rukia looking at you. She knew the real reason why you had spared the Hollow, but she had called you crazy. It was likely Renji would react similarly and the thought scared you. The more people told you it was not true the more you would begin to believe them.
“It didn’t seem hostile,” you finally said, “It could have attacked and probably killed me, but it didn’t. So I thought I could just let it go to return the favor.”
“You’re fucking stupid,” Renji sighed and wiped a hand over his face. He was balancing a bowl of food on his left palm so the gesture made you uncomfortable, cleaning the floor would be a hassle.
“Oy, it’s not like anything bad happened so far, right, so what’s-”
“Do you really think I’m gonna believe that?” Renji snapped and frowned, “C’mon, gimme a little credit, asshole.”
You gaped at him until he started to laugh, smug and so loud you were worried the neighbors would come over to check on you.
“Out with it,” Renji demanded and sat down on another kitchen chair next to yours, “What really happened?”
“Ichigo was just confused,” Rukia chimed in and sighed, “There’s no need to drag this out any longer.”
You knew she was just trying to protect you, yet you couldn’t help but feel indignant she shushed you this quickly.
“It’s Grimmjow,” you said and glared at her, “I didn’t kill it because it’s Grimmjow.”
Renji’s eyes widened immensely and he seemed unsure whether to frown or not. As his uncertainty only increased with time he looked over at Rukia in search of help. It hurt you to see them at a loss and still trying their very best not to upset you.
“Ichigo,” Renji said and cleared his throat, “Grimmjow is dead.”