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Jian Yi is used to putting on an act for people around him. He knows, from past experience, that if he acts the way he feels, no one would want to be friends with him. Who would want to be around a sulking, complaining little kid? It is no fun. That’s why he didn’t have any friends before Zhan Zhengxi.
But then things change. Jian Yi gets so used to acting according to what he imagines people would want from him, he loses himself. He becomes a loud shell of a person, making noise with no meaning, no destination and no desire. He doesn’t know who he is or what he wants anymore. The only thing, or rather person that gives his life a certain direction is Zhengxi. Until he is unwillingly taken away from his best friend, which makes him lose himself all over again.
He rubs his face, sighing as he tries to stop thinking depressing things. He puts the manga in his hands down and stretches his arms, reaching into the air. Christmas is in two days, he realizes when he checks the date. The third Christmas without him , away from him .
His stomach is empty and screaming, his head dizzy, but he doesn’t know how to cook and the house is empty. Big, cold, empty and silent. All of the things he hates. He makes his way into the large kitchen and takes out a few beer bottles out of the otherwise fridge, scratching his stomach while walking. He lights up a cigarette, opening one of the beer bottles with the back of the lighter. It is just another night in the last three years. Getting drunk, alone and cold.
His dad keeps giving him lectures about getting his shit together and learning more about business so he could take over the company and all the underground work in the future, but he is too busy to care as Jian Yi fucks his life up as much as he can. Most he does is slapping him on the face in front of partners of the company or just humiliating him in any other way he can. It seems that is what he thinks parenting is. Jian Yi doesn’t care about any of it. It doesn’t really matter.
His phone screen lights up with a text message from He Tian. He doesn’t bother to look at what it says. There are also old messages on his phone from his classmates about a basketball match or homework. He doesn’t really understand why people still try to reach out to him even though he is cold to anyone and rarely goes to school. He doesn’t have to, since his father bribes the school to not let him fail, despite his attendance and shit grades. He doesn’t feel the need to make any friends anymore, even talking with He Tian is extremely taxing sometimes but people still try to chat with him, which pisses him off.
Between the two of them, as much as Jian Yi lets off, He Tian is the one that actually went fucked in the head. He was always some kind of rebellious, lashing out against his brother and causing problems since before they met, but he is way worse now. He tries to drag Jian Yi into his bullshit and sometimes, he actually goes along with him. Just because getting in fights and standing in front of a barrel or having his father shout at his face makes him a little bit less numb. He gathers He Tian is sort of the same, except rather than being numb, he takes his anger out at people. They don’t talk that much, despite how much time they spend with each other. It would be sad, because they used to be close friends, but again, Jian Yi doesn’t feel sad about anything anymore. He doesn’t feel much of any emotion.
A few minutes pass and he empties the first beer bottle. His phone rings, it’s He Tian. He reaches out and turns off the device. He knows He Tian will shout at him later because of this but he really isn’t in the mood to entertain anyone. On his third cigarette and fourth beer, he hears the door of the apartment opening.
“ I should take that key away from you,” he says as He Tian enters the kitchen, carrying black plastic bags. “ It is the middle of the night. What if I was sleeping?”
“ When do you ever sleep, douchebag?” He Tian rolls his eyes and puts the bags on the table with a ching . “ I bet you haven’t eaten either. I got some ready-made ramen and baiju, but you’re already drinking.”
“ Baiju?” Jian Yi says as he reaches out to put his feet on the table, leaning backwards. “ Are you trying to get me drunk?”
“ No, I’m trying to get myself drunk. You get drunk with a few beers.” With prior knowledge, He Tian opens the top drawer and the bottom right cabinet and puts the heater on. “ There’s no school tomorrow. You wouldn’t go even if there was though, so whatever.”
“ Wh would I?” He mumbles lazily. “ Not like I’d fail if I didn’t go.”
“ Give me a cigarette.” So he does and then he lights the cigarette between He Tian’s lips, their faces close to each other.
The silence carries on until the ramen is ready. He Tian kicks his feet off the table and puts one bowl in front of Jian Yi, one bowl in front of himself. Then he throws the one-use chopsticks in his face. “ You’re gonna blind me doing this one day.” Jian Yi says as he catches them in the air.
They drink a few shots of baiju. The build up tension in his muscles disappear the more shots he gulps down. The hunger feels more obvious now. He eats the whole bow twice as fast as He Tian. “ Damn, I’d buy more if I know you were starving.”
“ Shut up.” He groans and leans back in his chair with a cigarette in one hand, a shot glass in the other hand. He takes the shot, then puts the glass on the table loudly. “ So? What you here for?”
“ It’s tomorrow.” He Tian finally says.
“ What’s tomorrow?”
“ Don’t be stupid, Jian Yi.”
He Tian sleeps on the floor that night. He grunts and complains, but he falls asleep quickly. Jian Yi can’t. He stares at the ceiling, smoking dozens of cigarettes until he runs out. He gets one hour of sleep in total, which ends when he gets woken up by He Tian urgently. His brother is calling for them.
It is early in the morning and the weather freezes his cheeks. He squeezes his hands into the pockets of his jacket and curses himself for not wearing more layers before going out. They are a few hours away from the city, close to He Family property. He Tian offers to give him a gun, but he refuses. When a fight breaks out, he prefers the risk. He Tian, his father and many more think it’s just extremely stupid, but at least it makes him feel something. He Tian has two guns hidden under the suit he is wearing. He is probably colder than Jian Yi, who has two layers of sweatshirts and a jacket on, but he doesn’t complain about it.
When they enter the abandoned warehouse they were sent to the location of, Brother Cheng is already there, just as She Li’s brother is. The two groups are standing, the air tight and serious. Jian Yi only huffs as he walks behind his father, while He Tian stands next to his brother. There isn’t much negotiation. She Li takes after his family at being violent, blood thirsty animals.
Jian Yi dodges the hits coming his way, kicking people behind their heels to make them lose their balance and then finishing them off by a punch on the throat. It won’t kill them, usually, but it will make them lose consciousness for at least a few minutes. He Tian also has his back whenever a gun is pointed at him. He doesn’t have to worry about getting shot, because the men aiming at him immediately get shot themselves by either his father’s men or He Tian himself. The She Brother and a few of his men are the only ones standing after not much of fighting. He Tian positions himself so he is standing just a step ahead of Jian Yi with his guns off their safety lock.
“ Finish them off.” His father orders and throws a glance at Jian Yi with cold, disapproving eyes, as he always does. Then he gets out of the warehouse.
“ You wanna do the honors, lil bro?” Brother Cheng turns to He Tian, putting his own gun back in his waistband.
He Tian grins. “ With pleasure.” Jian Yi can see the malicious look in his eyes.
The gun shot is too loud for his hungover head. Jian Yi calmly watches the blood sprint around. He tries to jump over pools of red liquid so his shoes don’t get dirty.
“ It’s Christmas Eve,” He Tian says in the car. He drives while Jian Yi just watches outside the window.
“ Cool. So?” He sounds bored, uninterested.
“ Let’s go out and have some fun.”
“ I’m already hungover, He Tian. I wanna go home and sleep.” He sighs, gluing his forehead to the window. His whole body shakes as the car jumps over a road bump.
“ We both know you can’t sleep.” A few minutes of silence pass with He Tian focusing on the road and Jian Yi trying to ignore his horrible headache. “ You know, we can go see them now.”
He feels all his muscles tense with the sentence. He raises his head, turns to He Tian. “ Did Brother Cheng say that?” The panic is apparent in his voice. Or is it the excitement? He Tian isn’t sure, but he knows this is the first time in a long while Jian Yi is being this expressive. “ Are you sure?”
“ He didn’t say anything, but we got rid of the only variable left today.” He Tian looks at him in the eyes for a second, then turns back to the road. “ There’s nothing or no one else that would put them or us in danger anymore.”
Jian Li stays silent for a few seconds, as if he is calculating in his head. “ Confirm it with your brother today.” he finally decides to say. “ And when we are sure, let’s wish them a merry christmas.”
Back at the house, they drink the rest of the baiju. Jian Yi laughs at He Tian’s jokes, and doesn't run off to smoke every minute. He seems more laid back, more like the boy he was when he was 15 and they were four close friends. The instant change is obvious. Just the thought of being able to see, hug or even, just hopefully, kiss Zhan Zhengxi again makes him the happiest he has ever been in the last three years.
He looks at the sun setting as He Tian is on the phone, ordering food. The moon rises with dignity, it looks so empty and lonely in the dark night sky. It’s okay, he thinks. The moon will reunite with his sun tomorrow.
He Tian’s brother says it should be okay to go see them. They finish the night drunk and giggling, playing fight with each other as He Tian easily pushes Jian Yi on the ground, throwing fake punches at his face all while still laughing his ass off. Jian Yi gets at least a five hour sleep for the first time in years.
It’s Christmas night. They watch Zhan Zhengxi and Mo Guanshan walk around the city and get drunk together. “ I’m glad they stuck with each other.” He Tian says. “ Remind me to thank Zhengxi for taking care of Mo.” Jian Yi holds himself back from commenting on how awkward they seem.
The two split at midnight. He Tian makes them follow Mo home first. Jian Yi fights back, but he is also too scared to face Zhengxi yet, so he finally accepts. When Mo stumbles forward and falls on the ground drunkenly at a backstreet, He Tian walks over to him and caresses his freshly bruised cheek. Jian Yi can see Mo has different injuries, because of course he does, but he silently leaves when they kiss.
He knows the road to Zhan Zhengxi’s house from memory after all those years of nothing going there, not even once. In fact, he wasn’t allowed to go to that side of the city, at all. He stands in front of the building for a few seconds, taking deep breaths. He is nervous like a little boy. A kind of nervous he doesn’t feel even when he watches people get killed. A kind of nervousness only Zhengxi can produce.
He rings the bell to the flat the Zhan family lives in. It is already three in the morning by now. He can only hope he hasn’t fallen asleep yet and he won’t have to face another family member. But the door opens at last, just a few centimeters wide and it is undoubtedly Zhengxi. He smiles. “ Merry Christmas, Xixi.” he says softly. “ Can I come in? It is freezing.”
Jian Yi is once again awestruck by just how beautiful Zhengxi is. Even with his eyebags, and teary eyes, even with his bruised lips and messy hair. His eyes, Jian Yi thinks. Wide open now, but usually relaxed and soft, especially when he looks at Jian Yi. Well, that’s how it used to be. Maybe it will change now, though he hopes not.
The door is fully open now. “ What the fuck?” Zhengxi stumbles a few steps behind. Jian Yi realizes the knife he is grabbing, rather hard and then his trembling hands and tear full eyes. He wants to hug him. Apologize and kiss him. He gathers it might be a bit harder than that.
“ Uh, hi.” He tries hard to keep up his smile. “ I get that this might be a shock for yo-” Before he realizes anything is happening, Zhengxi punches him directly in the face. It’s nothing like the play fights they used to do in middle school. It is a real, angry punch, though he can still tell Zhengxi didn’t use his full strength. It’d be cruel if he did, even for Jian Yi.
“ Fucking- you fucking-” Another punch lands on his face and Jian Yi has to try hard to not collapse on the ground this time. “ You fucking asshole!”
“ Wow.” He holds on to his bleeding lip, staring at the red liquid on his fingers for a few seconds. This was the feeling he was searching for when he got in stupid, petty fights and got himself purposefully beaten up. He should have understood long ago that no one other than his beloved Zhan XiXi would be able to give him this feeling. He could cry from happiness right now. “ He Tian gets a kiss but this is what I get?” He jokes, though a bit bitterly.
“ Fuck you!” Zhengxi shouts again and Jian Yi worries they will wake people up with all the noise and have to deal with them too. He steps inside and closes the door behind him, but the blond immediately raises a fist, as if Jian Yi would hurt him, as if he has to defend himself. He catches Zhengxi’s arms midair, but he feels a little hurt.
He smiles through it. “ Xixi, let’s hug first.” He needs it, desperately. “ Then you can beat me up as much as you want, okay?”
Zhengxi’s eyes are reddish as tears wet his face. “ Okay.”