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It wasn’t often that Jane had to go out of town on a business trip. It was usually Catherine’s thing, being the one primarily in control. However, when the chance presented itself for Jane to go to a conference, Catherine couldn’t recommend it more. At first, she had been unsure, not yet ready to leave her newly formed family. But, with Catherine’s support, she decided it was an opportunity she couldn’t let pass.
It was only two nights. Catherine would be there the whole time, keeping Eddie and Kitty safe. It would be fine.
It wasn’t until Catherine headed to bed the first night, that the reality of the situation settled in.
She had been a single parent for years. Thousands of nights, home alone, with her daughter, Mary. This time there were two children, Kat and Edward. The latter, still a baby, was easy enough to get to sleep.
Kitty however, was a more challenging case. After everything the teen had endured, nightmares were a recurring part of their nights. Jane had almost always been the one to go running, though Catherine had done it a few times.
The biggest challenge was moving past the feeling that she’d mess something up. These were her children, but not hers alone. Her wife was the one who had originally gotten them, and despite how much she loved them and how much she felt like they were hers, there was a constant, nagging feeling that it could all be taken away.
Catherine couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming urge to sneak into her children's bedrooms and check on them. She had often felt this urge when Mary was a baby. She could barely sleep, going into her room often to check on her. Mary had been an easy baby, sleeping through the night early, yet Catherine never had been able to take advantage of this blessing.
Eddie was not the type of baby who slept through the night. He was the exact opposite of Mary in many ways. Catherine knew he would be crying soon, but she couldn’t wait. She had to check on them. The nagging feeling that something was wrong wouldn’t let up.
She decided to check on Kitty first. As she approached the door, she heard quiet sniffles coming from inside.
Catherine took a deep breath. Her intuition had been right. She had hoped it was wrong, that it was just her own anxiety causing the feeling.
She slowly twisted the doorknob, opening the door ever so gently.
“Kitty,” she called softly. “May I come in?”
“I’m fine,” came a stuffy voice from inside the room.
It was evident that this was not true.
Catherine struggled to think of what to say to the girl. It always seemed so easy with Jane beside her, but now, with Jane away up north, it felt overwhelming. She was so afraid to make a mistake. Afraid to push the teen away.
“I just want to come tuck you in,” Catherine said.
They both knew it was a lie. Catherine had tucked her into bed hours ago. It was something that was very important to the girl. They had discussed it many times, making sure not to treat her too much like a child. It was something Mary had outgrown early, preferring to be alone before falling asleep. Catherine and Jane both understood that Kitty still clung to things from the childhood she never got to have. If she needed coddled more than the average girl her age, they would do it.
“Okay,” the girl replied.
Catherine pushed open the door, and saw Kitty sitting on her bed. Her face, blotchy and red, her eyes wet with tears. Her nose was incredibly stuffy, something that lingered long after she had finished crying.
“What’s going on, Kitty?” Catherine asked.
Kat shrugged, wiping away tears that betrayed her.
“Nothing.”
“It doesn’t look like nothing,” Catherine replied.
“It’s stupid,” Kat replied.
Catherine sat on her bed, gently petting the girl’s hair.
“If it’s bothering you, then it isn’t stupid.”
Kat looked at her, biting her lip.
“It’s stupid because I have you and Eddie and mummy.”
“What is it, Kitty?” Catherine asked, silently praying that the girl would open up.
That she would trust her.
“I feel alone,” Kat started.
It was quiet for a moment.
“I know it’s stupid because I have so many people in my life. But, sometimes I just feel so lonely. Like maybe no one really likes me. Like I am still unwanted. I try to tell myself it isn’t true, but my stupid brain just won’t stop. I should be so happy, but sometimes I get so sad and I have no reason. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Sometimes brains are like that, but it doesn’t make you stupid and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. You’ve been through so much in your short life, and you are working so hard on overcoming it, we are really proud of you. But even without anything bad happening, sometimes there is just a chemical imbalance that makes us feel that way.”
Kat stayed quiet once more. Tears streamed down her face. Catherine reached for the tissues sitting by her bedside, wiping her face. The box was almost empty, and the small bin beside the bed was overflowing. She handed Kat a few more for herself. It was clear this crying had been going on for a while.
“Have you talked to your therapist about it?”
Kat shook her head.
“No. Everyone thinks I’ve come so far. I’m supposed to be better.”
“You have come so far,” Catherine told her. “But, that doesn’t mean you are going to be happy all the time. Having sad feelings doesn’t mean you aren’t better. I think you need to say something, maybe they can help you.”
“Everyone will know I’ve failed then.”
Catherine wrapped her arms around the girl.
“No one will think you failed. We are proud of you for how far you’ve come. This isn’t a step back, it’s just a little bump in the road. It happens to lots of people.”
Kat shook her head.
“You and mummy are so happy.”
Catherine took a deep breath.
“I haven’t always been this way. There have been many times in my life when I’ve had bouts of depression.”
“Really?” Kitty asked.
“Really,” Catherine replied. “I really went through it as a teenager. I was self destructive, often depressed. Once I moved here, I made new friends, things really changed.”
Kitty looked at her, intensely.
“And everything was better?”
“I thought I was better. But, sometimes the dark clouds take over, they hit again when I was in my late twenties. I reverted to old habits. It was embarrassing. I was a grown woman, I felt like I should have had my life together more. But, I couldn’t help it. Eventually, things got better, but I still struggle sometimes.”
Catherine hadn’t opened up about that aspect of herself. It was something she liked to keep hidden. Something she was ashamed of. She knew she shouldn’t be, it was something that could help others who were struggling not feel so alone. But she couldn’t help it.
“I should probably be open about it, there is no shame in mental health,” she replied, knowing that while her words were true, it didn’t mean she thought they truly applied to her.
Kitty wrapped her arms around Catherine and Catherine squeezed her back.
“One day, you’ll feel so much better. How happy you will be will be astounding. Darkness exists to make light truly count. I know it’s a cliche, but it is true.”
Kitty smiled, pulling away.
“I understand, it’s just difficult.”
“I know, but you’ll be okay. You have us, we will make sure of it. Just come to us when you need to. You never need to suffer alone.”
Once more, tears fell down Kitty’s face. Catherine knew from the past that sometimes once the tears started, it took forever for them to stop. She would stay with Kat until she was okay.
She wiped the tears once more.
“You aren’t alone, Kitty. We’ve got you.”
“I love you, mama.”
Catherine smiled. It was the first time Kat had ever said the words to her.
“I love you, too.”
She knew at that moment that the words she had said to Kat were true. It had been such a painful night, but it was worth it for the moment of joy. Darkness really did exist to make light truly count.