Archive of Our Own

It was supposed to be a very simple rescue. The building wasn’t even on fire anymore, they had managed to put that out relatively quickly. Someone had been cooking dinner and the food had just gone up in flames, triggering the fire alarm. It was supposed to be easy, evacuate the entire apartment complex, put out the fire and leave.

Of course nothing was so easy when they discovered one of the elevators had malfunctioned during the fire, cable snapping and sending it crashing down two stories.

“Okay Cap, going down,” Buck announces into the radio, descending down the shaft where the elevator had fallen down.

“Copy that,” Bobby calls back, watching slowly as Buck was going down. The descent wasn’t even that far, Bobby was handling the rope on the lowest floor, but the elevator had crashed down into the basement and got stuck there. Buck lets himself drop the last distance, landing softly on top of the elevator.

He takes a calming breath, opening up the panel to check inside. He frowns, trying to catalogue everything that was inside the elevator.

“Cap, there’s one person here, female, probably early tw-” He reports, but before he can finish the sentence the woman looks up, letting out a loud scream of fear. Buck almost flinches, confusion washing over him as the woman throws herself back, and hitting the elevator doors behind her.

“Buck, what happened?” Bobby asks quickly, and Buck reaches for his radio.

“I don’t know Cap, she just freaked out,” Buck replies back, still watching the woman. “Ma’am, I’m here to help, okay?” Buck calls out, but that only seems to agitate the woman more, snapping her head up and watching him with almost desperate eyes, torn between getting away or crawling towards him.

She was terrified, that was all too clear for Buck. The woman was trembling with fear, trying to make herself as small as possible. Buck shifts slightly on the spot, trying to get a better angle and he can quickly see that there was a sizable wound on her head, steadily leaking blood down the side of her face.

She didn’t even seem to notice it, only looking at him with terrified eyes. Eyes that were also completely unfocused and not actually seeing him. Buck sighs, the woman must’ve hit her head on the way down, giving her a nasty concussion and probably the cause of her fear and confusion towards him.

“Ma’am, I’m coming in, I’m going to help you get out,” Buck calls for the woman, his voice softer than normal. He grabs the extra harness, and carefully drops down into the elevator. He shivers, there was a small puddle of water inside the elevator as well, but it wasn’t rising quickly so Buck wasn’t too worried about that.

The water was cold, but it was currently only halfway past his shins. The woman was still standing luckily so she wasn’t yet soaked in the cold water, and he just needed to-

“Buck, look out!” Bobby suddenly shouts into his radio, and Buck can only flinch before he sees something crash down on him. He cries out, throwing his arms up in defence but he knows it’s futile. Debris and rocks were falling down, crashing down the elevator shaft with immense speed.

Something hit his arms, hard, and it’s a second that he loosens his arms that something else was hitting his helmet, knocking it off. He groans, pain exploding everywhere and he scrambles backwards to get away from it. But it didn’t come. Buck blinks his eyes open, wincing at the pain and his blurry vision.

He groans, bringing up his non-injured arm to touch the side of his face and hissing as it comes back wet with blood, great.

Buck takes a steadying breath, trying to shake off the pain and looking up with wide eyes. A giant slab of concrete was blocking the hole that he had just gone through not even a minute ago. It was blocking the hole, preventing himself from being crushed by it, even if dust and dirt was still falling down.

If he had been standing on top of the elevator… He didn’t even want to think about it, because he wasn’t stupid enough to believe that he would’ve survived that. If he had been standing there…

“Buck! Buck, are you alright?” His radio echoes again, and Buck winces slightly as he realises his ears were ringing. Someone had been screaming, and it wasn’t him. He takes a steadying breath, trying to reach for his radio to tell Bobby that he was alright down there, but before he can do so, the woman lets out another scream.

A terrifying scream, both filled with fear…. And anger. And Buck isn’t fast enough to anticipate the woman barrelling into him. His head seems to crash completely, whitening out at the pain of being jostled and he falls to the ground. He lets out a shout of surprise, only seeing a flash of the woman’s face before she attacks again.

“Ma’am!” He shouts, but the woman’s face was filled with fear and anger, eyes unfocused and unseeing. Hands wrapped around his throat, slamming him down. Buck doesn’t even know if he should be grateful for the water preventing the woman from slamming his head into the hard concrete.

He doesn’t even know if he would’ve rather wanted the water to be gone or not. The water slowed him down, but it also made the situation so much more dangerous.

Because the moment the water slows him down, he’s completely submerged. He ignores the urge to gasp, eyes widening and reaching up. Pain shoots down his injured arm, and the woman presses harder against his throat. His head is swimming, and Buck can’t even laugh at the irony of the words.

There is too much at stake right now, and the pain was removing any irony from the situation.

The pain in his throat was becoming unbearable, and whoever this woman was, she was incredibly strong. Buck tries to reach out, but one arm was still continuously shooting pain down the rest of his body and his vision was blurring, both from the lack of oxygen and the blood that was now filling the water.

He wants to gag at the foul taste of blood in his mouth, a taste he’s all too familiar with.

He wants to gasp, and he wants to scream for help but he knows he can’t. He groans, bringing up his legs and throwing off the woman with surprising strength. Immediately he sits up, gasping and spluttering. Oxygen has never tasted so good, and his head blurs even more than before.

He tries to roll over, bring his legs up and under him but his body doesn’t want to move. It’s like his brain just wasn’t cooperating anymore, refusing to send the signals he needed to just move. The woman screams again, more desperate this time, and he desperately tries to block it out, focus on moving.

“Ma’am, I’m not going to hurt you-” Buck tries to croak hurriedly but it was so soft that she wouldn’t even hear him even if she was listening. The blow on her head must’ve been too severe, and all she could see was a threat. He was the threat. And for all the fear she was feeling right now… she was going to protect herself, even if it was from him.

The contact as Buck blocks her attack only seems to agitate her more, and Buck flinches as Bobby’s worried voice starts again through the radio, desperately calling his name and trying to get him to respond, but he can’t respond right now. He doesn’t have enough time to reach for the radio and tell Bobby what was going on.

And really, what was his captain going to do? He didn’t doubt that they would get him out eventually, he trusted his team with his life, and has done so more times than he can count, but they wouldn’t get there now. And that was precisely the problem. It would take time before they got to him, and he knew that.

And before they could rescue him, the woman would still attack him. There was no use in pressing that radio except to reassure Bobby was alive. Responding wouldn’t save him from the woman, and really, how much of a lie would it be to tell Bobby he was alive? He had no clue how long that would last.

He was alone right now.. And the woman had just reached for a knife. Buck swallows thickly, fumbling to get his legs under him still but they still wouldn’t move. The pain in his arm was only worsening, and his vision was blurring dangerously. Really, even if he had the time to radio Bobby.. He doubted they would understand him anyways.

He could barely seem to string together coherent thoughts, and he blinks as his vision whites out dangerously for a moment before he manages to blink it back into focus.

The woman was strong, and obviously very skilled. Buck had no doubts about a fighting background for her in some capacity. The fear made something jolt inside of him, a sliver of fear as realisation was sinking in. He might die here.

It had only been seconds before the woman was charging at him again, mere seconds between the time he managed to get her off and when she was running at him again, but it already felt like a lifetime. She leapt towards him, and just in time he manages to get his legs under him, moving out of the way.

The knife barely missed him, and he stumbles back against the elevator wall, hitting it with a loud thunk.

“Stop!” He tries, but the sentence only made his abused throat hurt more. The woman slashes at him again, and Buck tries to stop her, but he also doesn’t want to hurt her… she wasn’t aware of what she was doing.. She was scared, and alone and trying to defend herself against a threat.

“Argh-” Buck gasps, feeling the knife tear at his leg. And he pushes the woman hard, causing her to stumble back and giving him mere seconds to glance at his leg. The blood wasn’t too bad, maybe if he had still been on the blood thinners, but not anymore.. He was fine, this would be fine.

But he needed to stop her before she really hurt him, or herself. Buck tries to shake away his blurry vision, sidestepping as the woman attacks again. The wound on his leg was throbbing slightly, but he ignored it, pushing the woman away harshly. Really all that mattered was taking the kni-

Buck stops in his tracks, pain exploding from his abdomen. His eyes widen, freezing completely on the spot. Because the moment he had pushed the woman back, she had managed to sink the knife into his abdomen. He gasps, and right now he isn’t even sure what the cause was of his blurred vision.

The concrete that fell on him? The woman choking him? Or the overwhelming pain in his abdomen?

His legs stumble before they give out, and he feels himself falling backwards into the water. The cold washes over him again, and he tries to get above the water, gasping before the woman was on him again, pushing him under. The water envelops him completely, and the hands are back around his throat.

They were squeezing, blocking any air from coming through even if there was no way he was getting any oxygen anyways. The cold water surrounded him, and fear jolts through him as he realises it was turning red around him, more so than before. He throws his hands up, trying to gain leverage.

But his abdomen screams at him, making his arms tremble and he can barely think straight. He was going to die… the realisation hit him harder than the concrete had. He was going to die, this woman in her panic was going to actually kill him. His vision blurs, and he wants to sob as his arms can’t even resist against her.

They fall back in the water, and he winces. He doesn’t want to die, it wasn’t fair, he… he survived the truck, he survived the embolism and a tsunami. His vision blurs dangerously, and Buck’s arms twitch, and he feels his hand brush against the knife in his abdomen, still embedded into his skin.

He wants to sob, but he pushes that away. He couldn’t abandon Chris like his mother abandoned him. He couldn’t leave Eddie.. Or his sister. He wants to sob, wrapping his hand around the handle of the blade. Athena and Bobby… who were better parents to him than his biological parents ever were.

He couldn’t just leave Karen and Hen alone… never know what foster parents they would become. Never know how Chimney and Maddie’s relationship would go. He couldn’t leave his sister… not now, not when she was finally here.

And he pulls, with his last energy he pulls the blade out of his abdomen and aims. He hears the woman crying out in pain, and suddenly the pressure is gone. He gasps loudly, coughing and wracking his lungs as the wound screams at him but all he can focus on is the woman… but he wishes he hadn’t.

Everything grew quiet around him. His head screams at him, and he can barely hear Bobby’s voice asking for him to respond over the beating of his own heart… blood rushing through his head to a deafening sound.

As he looks at the woman bleeding out from being stabbed in her femoral artery.

She was dead within minutes.

*

*

*

They find him 28 minutes after the concrete has fallen down. Really, a bad luck situation, a fluke that caused it to fall down. The building hadn’t been unstable, it just… gave in. They weren’t going to leave Buck in there, even if he had been crushed by all of the concrete on the way down.

But they knew he had safely gotten into the elevator, so he had to be alright. Neither of the 118 wanted to think about why Buck hadn’t been answering. Or they very real possibility that he was indeed hurt, they just proceeded to secure the rest of the building and quickly remove all the concrete that were on top of the elevator.

There were three chunks of concrete that needed to be lifted, and Eddie quickly managed to push the last one off enough to expose the entrance to the elevator. He feels himself panic slightly at the sight, but he pushes it down.

“Cap, I see blood,” Eddie responds almost too calmly, but inside he was terrified of what he was going to find there. He checks his harness, dropping into the elevator. “Buck?” Eddie breathes out hurriedly, relief washing over him as he sees the youngest firefighter sitting down in the water, awake.  

He was clearly injured, but he was alright, he was breathing and sitting up on his own. “Buck, you alright man?” Eddie asks, taking a step towards him and kneeling. He frowns in concern, feeling the relief disappear all too quickly. Buck was alive and breathing in front of him, but he wasn’t seeing him.

His eyes were vacant, unseeing, and he didn’t even seem to realise that Eddie was right in front of him. Eddie swallows thickly, moving to check Buck out. There was a head wound on the back of his head that had already stopped bleeding luckily but the bump it clearly left behind bothered him.

He pulls at the uniform Buck was wearing, trying to see any damage but it was hard to see.

“Eddie, I’m sending Hen and Chim down for medical support, can you tell us anything?” Bobby asks through the radio, voice clearly worried, and Eddie swallows thickly. Buck wasn’t even responding to Bobby’s voice, remaining completely catatonic. He wasn’t just ignoring his captain right now.

He wasn’t hearing him altogether. Eddie quickly turns around, knowing there was someone else with Buck when the concrete came down.

His heart sinks, and suddenly the blood in the water made a lot of sense.

“Buck is alive but in need of medical care,” Eddie quickly tells the man, turning to the other woman. “The other woman is-”

“Dead,” Buck croaks suddenly, causing Eddie to flinch in surprise.

“Is that you, Buckaroo?” Hen asks, and Eddie looks up to see Hen and Chim both nearing the top of the elevator. Buck remains silent, not saying anything else as he continues to stare at the lifeless body of the woman.

“Hang on, Buck, we’re here,” Chim is the first one to go through the entrance, landing softly in the water. He shivers slightly, taking one quick look at Buck before rushing towards the woman. Her expression was lifeless, blood pooling all around her and smudged over her entire body.

Chim already knows before he puts his fingers against her throat to check for a pulse. He looks back at Eddie, shaking his head. The woman was dead, her body pale and surrounded by bloody water that they were currently standing in. Chim doesn’t really want to think about it, not when they had bigger concerns.

Buck was still completely unresponsive, not responding to Eddie searching his body for wounds, gently pulling up his shirt to uncover the stab wound hiding there. Not even when Eddie was checking his ribs and pressing painfully against his side. The pain was clear on Buck’s face, and yet he didn’t seem to feel it.

Eddie never wanted to see Buck in pain, but right now, not hearing him vocalise that made it ever worse. He needed something, anything from the younger firefighter.

And while Chim was radioing Bobby to tell their captain that the woman was dead, Buck only uttered three more words.

“I killed her,”

*

*

*

Athena sighs audibly, mentally preparing herself to face the rest of the 118. Bobby was standing up, unable to sit down and wait as their youngest was being treated. He immediately turns his head towards his wife as she enters.

“What do we know?” Bobby asks, and Athena turns to the rest of the crew. Eddie still had blood on his hands and uniform from treating Buck in the field, trying to stop the bleeding. He was refusing to leave, not even to change into some clothes that they had given him. He wasn’t about to leave Buck’s side.

Buck had done the same thing when Eddie had come out of that well, and Athena can’t help but feel a stab of pain at the comparison.

“Victim’s name is Tamara Langdon, she was a semi-professional boxer until an injury put her out 6 months ago that she never truly recovered from,” Athena starts, ignoring the similarity to Buck’s situation right now. Him being crushed by the fire truck, being out of commission.. Healthy enough to still walk around and play sports.

But his leg was, at the time, not good enough to maintain his firefighter job. Tamara and him were in similar situations, and they had ended up in the same elevator.

“Tox report shows numerous enhancing drugs in her system, ones that can also cause hallucinations. That along with the concussion she likely got from hitting her head, the police believe there is a real possibility of her death being from self-defence,” Athena finishes, and Eddie splutters at the sentence, anger clear on his face.

“A possibility?” He snaps, standing up. “Athena you can’t be serious, what other explanation is there? Of course Buck wouldn’t kill that girl unless he had to,” Eddie points out angrily, and Bobby is about to step in but Athena puts a hand on his shoulder to hold him back, shaking her head silently.

She understands why the man was so worried, they might be too stupid to realise it themselves, but she could see how they were both looking at each other. Buck was like a kicked puppy the entire time Eddie was still dating Shannon before her death, and Eddie wasn’t subtle with the glances either.

And she knew her boys too well to not realise it, even if the two hadn’t figured it out themselves yet. She understood Eddie’s anger, because she would be just as angry as it would’ve been Bobby being accused of murder.

“And until Buck wakes up, we won’t know for sure, but nobody is seriously considering Buck would deliberately murder this girl,” She corrects Eddie, who flinches at the word murder. “And if they do, they’re fools, but they still need to follow the process and figure out what really happened,” Athena adds softly.

Eddie didn’t seem entirely convinced but he eventually nods, sitting back down and sighing. Nobody knew what to say. They knew Buck would be alright, logically they knew that. Still, there was always doubt. Maybe Eddie had missed something, and his wounds were worse than he initially thought.

Or maybe there were complications during the surgery, or they couldn’t properly close the wounds..

And even then was that not the biggest concern right now. Because Buck had survived much worse, had managed to bounce back from much worse. What they were really worried about wasn’t the physical wounds, no they knew that Buck would survive being stabbed, and would be on his feet within days from the concussion as well.

They were worried about the mental wounds, the emotional toll that Tamara’s death would have on him. He already took losing that man on the rollercoaster hard, and that wasn’t even his fault to begin with. Now he had deliberately stabbed someone and caused a woman to die because of him.

It was self-defence, they all knew that, there was no way that Buck would kill someone otherwise; but they also all knew that Buck would still find a way to blame himself. Like he always blamed himself for everything, even if he truly couldn’t control what the outcome was going to be.

That boy wore his heart on his sleeve, allowing anyone and everyone to just take it and use it however they pleased.

“Family of Evan Buckley?” Someone’s voice suddenly sounded, and the entire 118, Maddie and Athena turn their heads towards the doctor that was approaching them. She glances around the room, smiling softly at the support Buck was getting.

“Is he alright?” Eddie was the first one to ask, and the doctor nods. Everyone visibly relaxes at the confirmation.

“I treated Mr. Buckley, he came in with a stab wound on his abdomen which luckily did no damage to his organs and we managed to stitch it up, along with the cut on his leg. He also had a wound on the back of his head which resulted in a minor concussion. He also sustained a blow to his arm, nothing was broken but it was bruised so he’ll have a compression brace on for now,” The doctor lists off.

The rest of the people were silent, taking in the information with a heavy heart. It could’ve been much worse, but still, hearing how battered Buck was was difficult to hear. He had just gotten out of the whole mess with the fire truck, and the tsunami and the lawsuit… all of that was behind them and then this.

They thought after Eddie landed in the hospital after the well incident that they would have some time off… just a little bit of luck on their side. But clearly not.

“He also sustained bruising to his throat, consistent with being choked. That’s going to cause him some pain and discomfort with talking, but luckily nothing was damaged. The police are ready to take his statement now,” The doctor finishes carefully, looking at them to see if they had any questions, and Bobby steps towards the woman.

“Thank you,” He says, taking a deep breath to calm himself. “Can we go see him?” He asks, but the doctor’s face falls slightly, a regretful look on her face. She readjusts her grip on the clipboard she was carrying.

“I’m really sorry, but one of the nurses asked if Buck wanted someone there-” The doctor starts, finding Maddie’s face. “He refused to see his sister and the 118 when he asked, he doesn’t want to see you,” She adds, clear regret in her voice.

“Then it’s a good thing I’m neither,” Athena speaks, holding up her hand before the doctor can protest. “If that boy wants me gone, I’ll be the first to leave but like hell I’m leaving that boy alone when he wants someone there,” Athena knew that the doctor didn’t mean any harm in honouring Buck’s request.

But in the last few years they’d known the boy, they had gotten to know him pretty well. And one thing was always abundantly clear to them was how much he craved to have people around him. Buck had never talked about his childhood, always changing the subject when it came up.

Maddie would do the same, so clearly something was going on there. It meant that Athena wasn’t going to leave him alone right now, she would show Buck that they cared, that he was cared for. If Buck really wanted Athena gone, she would go, but until then she would use the fact that he had never excluded her.

The doctor seems to hesitate for a moment, contemplating whether to allow Athena or not,  before reluctantly allowing the cop to follow her. Athena swiftly grasps Bobby’s hand, squeezing it quickly to assure her husband before releasing the hand and rushing after the doctor down the hall.

“Mr. Buckley doesn’t have a private room, but there’s currently on one else there. He is responding well to the medication but he’s still a little skittish still, which is to be expected,” The doctor speaks, stopping in front of Buck’s room and opening it. “Hello Mr. Buckley, Athena is here to see you, is that okay with you?” She asks, looking at him with a polite smile.

Athena steps into the room, waiting in the doorway and trying to gauge his response. Athena swallows thickly, her eyes immediately finding the small figure in the bed. It was almost laughable how Buck managed to present himself so small and fragile right now, entirely unlike the otherwise tall and confident firefighter she knew him to be.

He was laying on the bed, his upper body raised until he was almost halfway sitting up. He was wearing a hospital gown, and the blanket was drawn just over his abdomen. There was a compression around his left wrist, bruises already poking out from under it and she knew that it was only getting worse.

Angry red marks were littering his throat, clear signs of finger marks, and she can do nothing but wince upon seeing them.

Buck doesn’t respond immediately to the question, seemingly lost for a moment with his head turned to the side and eyes not really looking at anything in particular, before he shrugs slightly. Athena was immediately moving, rushing over to the boy and grabbing a chair to sit down on.

“Oh Buckaroo,” She whispers, reaching out to stroke his hair but the boy flinches from her. Athena freezes, her hand had already been reaching for Buck’s hand as well, but before she can make another move, Buck silently moves it away, out of Athena’s reach. And she swears she can feel her heart break at that.

“Buck-” She whispers, but Buck just takes a shuddering breath, shifting on the bed until he was looking up again. Or rather, away from her side. Athena understood, but that didn’t make her feel better. She knows Buck enough to understand what was going on, he wanted the comfort, he just felt like he didn’t deserve it.

“Okay, I won’t touch you until you’re ready, but I’m staying here okay? I’m not leaving you,” Athena mentions, glancing back at the door where two officers were standing and Athena sighs. “Do you think you’re ready to give a statement?” She continues, and again Buck stays silent, only shrugging after a short pause.

Athena sighs, gesturing for the two officers to get into the room, even if she wanted to do nothing but chase them away.

Athena had always thought that nothing could be worse than having to listen to Buck’s screams of pain when he was dragged from under the fire truck, but she was wrong. Or rather, she was almost right, because while listening to Buck’s confession wasn’t worse than his screams.

It came close, which she never thought would be possible.

It was heart-breaking to hear him croak out the explanation with pain on his face, both physical and mental pain. His throat was bruising more and more with each minute that past, and he could barely raise his voice over a mere croaked whisper. Still, he kept talking as much as he needed to.

How he descended down the elevator shaft to save the girl, Tamara as it later turned out. How he had found her scared and trapped in the elevator until the concrete had fallen on top of it, only scaring Tamara more and causing her to attack him. The struggle that followed… how Buck got all of his wounds…

How she had hurt his leg, stabbed him in the abdomen, choked him and almost drowned him.

And then how Tamara had been killed. One last defence, one last attempt of Buck to stop the attack. An action that didn’t just stop the attack, but instantly killed the woman on top of him. Buck had tried to stop the bleeding, but even he in his panicked and oxygen deprived state knew that it was too late.

Buck had killed the woman.

Athena is glad when the officers finish taking Buck’s statement, giving them a grateful nod for handling Buck so well, and looking at them as they leave so it was just the two of them.

“I’m sorry-” Buck croaks eventually, and Athena turns to the boy with worried eyes, shaking her head.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Buckaroo, nobody blames you for anything,” Athena quickly assures the boy, but Buck casts his eyes downwards in shame, wanting nothing more than for the bed to swallow him whole, and to never spit him out again. Athena recognises the signs.

She had known Buck for far too long to not realise what that meant, or what was going on inside of his head.

“Hey I mean it, Buck,” Athena affirms, reaching out and grasping his hand. This time he didn’t pull away, looking at it with hesitant eyes. “We all know it was self-defence, and so do those officers, I promise it’s going to be fine, you’re not punished for this. Nobody believes it was murder,”

That was apparently the wrong thing to say, as Buck removes his hand from Athena, taking a shuddering breath.

“But I do.”

*

*

*

Buck has done it once before, or at least, as far as they were aware he had only done it once. Shut himself off, retreat into himself and refuse to see or speak to anyone around him. That was when the fire truck had crushed his leg, and he had just gotten through his second surgery without a lot of success.

The doctor had been pessimistic, and for a while, they truly feared that the last surgery had messed everything up.

Buck had instantly retreated back into his mind, shutting himself off to the world and everyone around him and refused to speak to anyone for days. The only thing that had made him slowly crawl out. The promise that the surgery had been successful, and he could resume his scheduled PT.

There was no good news this time around. No announcement that Tamara had actually survived the stab wound to the thigh, no revelation that it had all just been a bad dream that he hadn’t been able to wake from. There was no quick fix, no changing the situation; he was still a murderer.

Buck absolutely refused to speak to anyone unless absolutely necessary. Mostly this was only to the doctor, who managed to get a few words out of him, but he hadn’t spoken a word to his family, not to the 118, and not even to Maddie. Even May’s visit hadn’t managed to cheer him up.

So Eddie isn’t surprised when Buck doesn’t react when he opens the door, knocking softly.

“Buck?” He asks, but the younger man doesn’t react. The only indication that Buck had even heard him was the small shuddering breath he took, closing his eyes for a second before opening it. He was laying on his side, his uninjured side, and glancing at the wall with tired and cold eyes.

Eddie sighs, heart squeezing painfully at the sight of his best friend so broken. Buck was always so expressive, wearing his heart on his sleeve. And he never wanted to see Buck mad again, but he would take anger over this complete emptiness any day. Anger was better than no emotion at all.

But that was the person Buck was, hiding in himself, never letting someone else see his pain. Most of the times he failed, and Eddie could read him like an open book. That didn’t mean he still didn’t try, bottle everything up and pretend he was fine by cracking jokes at the expense of himself.

“Hey Buck,” Another voice cuts in, and Eddie almost wants to take back his earlier thoughts, because Buck completely froze at the voice, slowly lifting his head to look at Christopher before looking at him. And instead of the cold eyes, devoid of emotion, there was clear betrayal in them.

Betrayal for bringing Chris here, for letting him see Buck like this. Eddie pushes down the hurt, reaching for Chris’ hand and helping him over to Buck’s side.

“He wanted to come see you, he was missing his Buck,” Eddie supplies, not sure how he could convey himself right now. He just hoped Buck understood that he was sorry for bringing Chris here, even if he would do it again if he had to. Buck needed to understand that nobody blamed him.

Every single detail of the report showed how Buck had acted in self-defence, not just to stop an attack on himself, but also to prevent himself from dying. They could never know for sure if Tamara had continued until she killed Buck, but she had multiple drugs in her system that was making her violent and aggressive.

Drugs that made her hallucinate completely and probably had her unable to even feel pain due to the fear and adrenaline. And Buck was injured, weak from the injuries and already in the water. They could see the damage it had done internally as well, minor but still indications that he had even swallowed some water.

Buck was unlucky, but it was self-defence. There was no doubt, not even the police doubted it.

“H-hey Superman-” Buck croaks hesitantly, voice still rough and painful to use. In the last two days in the hospital the bruises around his throat had settled, and it was an ugly patchwork of blue and red covering his throat. Chris tightens his hand in Eddie’s at the sound of Buck’s voice.

Of course it was scaring him, his Buck was hurt, and in a hospital bed. He had visited his dad when he was admitted after the well incident, both of it was scary.

“Hey Buck,” Christopher whispers again, and Eddie crouches down to lift Chris up on the bed.

“Eddie-” Buck croaks quickly as a warning, but Eddie wasn’t listening, helping Chris lay down next to Buck. The man swallows thickly, creating a little more space between them, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Chris.

“I missed you,” Chris says, reaching for Buck’s hand but the man pulls away with a heavy heart.

“Chris-” He croaks, but the young boy’s face instantly crumbles at Buck’s hesitance.

“You won’t hurt me Buck, I trust you,” Chris says but Buck shakes his head quickly.

“I hurt someone Chris-” He tries again but still, Chris interrupts him. He reaches up, touching Buck’s face and glancing in his direction.

“Dad told me,” He says, and Buck feels a shock of betrayal go through him, tears welling up and looking up at Eddie with betrayed eyes. “I know you didn’t want to hurt her, I’m not scared of you Buck, it was an accident,” Chris continues, letting his fingers trail down Buck’s face until they reach the bruises.

Buck sucks in a sharpy breath, but Chris is gentle enough to not hurt him. Chris shuffles on the bed, also turning on his side.

“Your dad told you?” Buck rasps, voice heavy from the bruises and from not using it a lot these past few days. Chris nods, only having eyes for his Buck right now.

“You would never hurt someone on purpose, you save people, you saved me,” Chris says, and Buck swallows at the sentence. Even Eddie can feel the tension in the room, because it was so obvious what Chris was referring to; the tsunami. Buck had given up on denying how he had saved Chris.

Because the little boy wasn’t having any of it, but he hasn’t accepted it once. Instead blaming himself for losing Chris, and would just silently accept it when someone brought it up. Maybe also because most of the time it was Chris that brought it up, and he didn’t want to argue with the little boy.

“I can’t be trusted, what if I hurt you?” Buck eventually manages to push out, eyes filled with regret. Eddie can’t help but snort at that, a bitter sound that sounded closer to a sob than anything.

“Trust you? Buck, I would trust you with my life, we all would,” Eddie says, wanting desperately to reach out and grasp Buck’s hand but he also knew that that wouldn’t be a good idea right now. Buck had pulled away for a reason, and while Buck sometimes needed someone to just set him straight…

This wasn’t one of those times, Buck rarely let them know when he needed something, or when something was bothering him, so Eddie knew that he must be feeling really badly if he was showing it. But Buck’s eyes were clear, he wasn’t believing Eddie’s words.

“I’m serious, Buck, I know you would never hurt us because I know I can count on you to protect me. You brought Chris home from the tsunami that day, you kept looking for him, and I don’t care what you said, but you saved his life that day. And you saved our lives more times than I can count,”

“‘S my job-” Buck mutters darkly, but Eddie shakes his head.

“It’s not just your job. It’s you being your annoying self-sacrificial self, it’s because you’re a good person who will always fight for the ones he loves, and will always help those in need,” Eddie tries, but it was clear that Buck still wasn’t believing him.

“Buck if it was just about your job then I would’ve asked Bobby or Hen to take in Christopher, but I didn’t. All of them would look after my son for me, I know they would. All of them have children, but I choose you, because I trust you the most… so much that if something happens to me then you will get custody of Chris,” Eddie finishes, a little breathless but he needed Buck to understand. And it seems to startle Buck as his eyes widen.

“What?” He asks, and Eddie feels tears well up in his eyes at the look of disbelief on Buck’s face, as if he could never even imagine that someone would entrust something like that to him.

“I didn’t want to tell you first, because that only meant that there was a real possibility that I might not come back one day, but I need you to know it Buck. After the well incident I changed my will, I want you to take care of Christopher because I trust you completely and I would know that you would do everything in your power to care for him,”

Buck is silent for a moment, before he lifts his eyes to Eddie’s face. “Me?” He croaks, and Eddie nods quickly.

“Yes you, you idiot,” He wants to laugh, but it comes out as a wry sound.

“Eds… I … she was innocent and I…-” Buck can’t even articulate it, still wanting to deny it. How could he ever look after Chris when he killed Tamara? An innocent girl who meant no harm…. It should’ve been him.

“Buck listen to me, you protected yourself, and that wasn’t your fault. This has changed nothing about my opinion about you. If anything, it has made me even prouder of you,” Eddie continues, and Buck feels a single tear trail down his face. “I trust you, Chris trusts you… we all do. Please don’t shut us out like this,”

Chris reaches out again, brushing against the tear that was falling down Buck’s cheek. He bites his lip, watching the little boy with wonder in his eyes. There was nothing but pure trust on Christopher’s face, not an ounce of fear in those eyes. Chris completely trusted Buck, and so did Eddie.

Buck moves slowly, almost hesitantly. He killed a woman, murdered a woman in cold-blood. He didn’t deserve to have Chris in his arms, but maybe… just maybe.

His arms hesitantly close around Chris, and the boy smiles in the embrace and that’s all Buck needs to full envelop the boy in a hug. Not too tight, still hesitant, but a hug nevertheless.

“You’re gonna be alright, kid,” Chris patted his cheek, and Buck can only close his eyes, not knowing what to say. But he didn’t need to, Chris already did. “I love you Buck.”

Buck only allows himself to squeeze just a little tighter.

*

*

*

Nobody had been happy when Buck went home alone, but they couldn’t really stop him either. He was an adult, able to discharge himself, and even order himself an uber home. And maybe it had been a mistake on their part, maybe they should’ve gone against Buck’s wishes and dragged him to one of their homes.

Maybe they shouldn’t have left him alone, but this was also uncharted territory for them. Buck has had tough calls that left him feeling empty for days, they had the fire truck incident of course. But never this. So they let him go, afraid that if they would push too much, that Buck would start pushing back.

And right now the last thing they needed was for Buck to leave completely.

Maddie had told Buck that she would meet him tomorrow, go to his loft. She had a spare key, so letting herself in wouldn’t be a problem. It was a compromise, allow Buck to go home, but let someone check up on him. Buck didn’t seem too happy about it, but at least he didn’t outright refuse.

And Maddie couldn’t deny that she was worried, standing there at the crack of dawn to check up on her little big brother.

“Evan?” She asks, opening the door and closing it behind her. She quickly shrugs off her jacket, but she freezes halfway when she sees the state of his loft. Something had happened, an intruder had broken in, and dragged Buck away from his home, overturning everything to look for valuable items.

That was Maddie’s first thought, and she can barely take in a proper breath as she surveys the room. The kitchen was a mess, broken glass on the floor, liquids mixing and different types of cutlery as well. Every drawer was pulled open, contents either on the ground or on the kitchen counter.

“Buck?” Maddie calls out again, dropping her jacket and rushing to the living room, but nobody was there. The area below the loft seemed to be intact, if only for the table that was pushed to the side and the blanket on the ground. “Buck?!” She cries out harder, turning around and rushing up the stairs.

His bedroom wasn’t as bad as the kitchen but worse than his living room. She was about to call out again but she instantly freezes when she heard a noise coming from the bathroom adjacent to his bedroom. She listens, but the moment it sounds again she knows exactly what it was.

She slowly moves herself to the bathroom, swallowing and reaching for the door handle. She has heard her brother cry way too many times, and she knew immediately that it was him inside the bathroom crying. She pulls on the door handle, but finds it locked. She isn’t really surprised though.

“Evan? Can you open the door?” She asks softly, and for a moment the quiet cries of her little brother stop. “Evan please,” She presses again, anxiety skyrocketing, and much to her luck she hears the lock open. She wants to storm in, tackle Buck in a big hug but she forces herself to wait.

Buck opens the door, revealing himself. He was in his pyjamas, sweatpants and a loose white t-shirt that only made the bruises on his throat stand out more. His eyes were bloodshot, and tears were still trailing down his face.

“M-Maddie,” Buck whispers, a tremor wracking through his body. “I-I… I c-can’t be alone-” He painfully admits.

“Oh Evan-” Maddie whispers, moving forwards slowly and allowing Buck to stop her. When he doesn’t, she carefully wraps her arms around his body. Buck instantly melts into her embrace, throwing his arms around her and for the first time in three days, he bursts out into tears in front of them.

He completely crumbles, and Maddie isn’t strong enough to physically hold him up and they both fall to the ground. Buck doesn’t stop, crying only harder and clinging to Maddie as if he was the only one keeping him together, as if he would vanish completely if she ever let go of him.

And Maddie lets him, takes equal comfort in her little brother’s presence. She had been so sure something bad had happened, but Buck was here, he was safe. He was alive.

Eventually Buck’s cries die down, and Maddie keeps rubbing his back in comfort until she feels Buck go silent.

“What happened, Buck?” Maddie whispers, still rubbing his back. Buck tenses, whimpering slightly in her hold.

“The knives,” He whispers, and that only made Maddie more confused. She pulls out carefully, looking Buck in the eyes.

“What do you mean?” She asks, and Buck almost seems ashamed, looking down.

“I… it was a knife that… and I … I-I… had to cook but I…” Buck was struggling to find the words, but Maddie stayed silent. “I can’t t-trust myself with a knife, Maddie, I had to protect them-” He tries again, and Maddie feels her gaze soften a bit.

“Protect who?” She asks, but Buck shrugs, not really knowing himself. “What did you do with the knives?” She asks, and despite the situation, she can see some relief in Buck’s eyes that Maddie understood him. Of course Maddie did, she was his older sister, she knew him better than he knew himself.

“Garbage,” Buck whispers softly, and Maddie nods. So that explained the state of the kitchen, every single knife he could find had made its way into the garbage bin, out of his reach and away so he couldn’t hurt anyone with it. It made sense in a messed up way, it made sense to Buck.

“Okay, we can work with that,” Maddie acknowledges, head spinning. “But I don’t think you should be alone right now,” Maddie adds softly, and Buck nods.

“I know… I just didn’t want to be a burden,” He whispers, and Maddie shakes her hand, putting a hand on his cheek. Buck reaches up to put his own hand over it. Maddie smiles sadly at the contact.

“You’re never a burden, Evan,” She tells him. “I can call Sue to take the day off but I know Eddie also offered to take you, what do you want?” Maddie asks, and Buck makes a note to properly thank his sister later for helping him but the decision is made pretty quickly.

“Eddie,” He whispers, not wanting Maddie to call off her job for him. Eddie was bad enough, but at least it was his free day. Maddie nods, reaching for her phone and sending Eddie a quick text. Eddie almost immediately responds, telling Maddie that he was on his way right this moment.

Maddie feels a little bit of relief wash over her, and she stuffs the phone in her pocket again so she can focus on her little brother again.

“Hey Evan?” Maddie says, shifting so she was directly in front of him. “Eddie is on his way, can I take a look at your stab wound? You might have torn your stitches,” Maddie tries, and Buck shakes his head.

“I’m okay,” He whispers, and Maddie chuckles at that.

“Indulge your big sister?” She asks, and Buck sighs, allowing Maddie to lift up his white t-shirt a bit to check up on the stab wound. But luckily, the stitches were still intact, and the wound wasn’t bleeding. Maddie breathes out a sigh of relief, letting the fabric fall down and cover the wound again.

Still, she can’t help herself and she checks out the healing wound on his head too, and the bruises around his throat, and the brace around his wrist. Buck groans again, not from the pain but from Maddie poking around and fussing over him. Eventually, Maddie stops, dropping the check over.

“Let’s get you ready, okay?” Maddie just says, and Buck seems a little hesitant before Maddie grabs his hands, helping him up. The two Buckley siblings move in silence, Buck grabbing his weekend bag to pack some essentials and clothes to take with him to Eddie and Christopher’s home.

The boy didn’t even know he had basically moved in, and really, there was no need for him to even pack a bag with how many nights he had spent in the Diaz home.

Maddie in the meantime goes back downstairs, trying to get ahead of the mess in the room, most of it in the kitchen. She quickly finds the knives that were in the garbage, carefully taking them out and trying to put them back in the right spot, or at least, as much as much as she could remember.

She sighs, picking up a broom and collecting all the glass and quickly tidying up most of the damage. Eventually Buck is ready packing and he joins her downstairs. Maddie wordlessly turns on the coffee maker, brewing two cups of coffee and handing one to her little brother. Buck grabbed the cup.

“Hey Mads?” Buck asks softly after the first sip, not really looking at his sister. “Thank you… for being here… showing up,” He says, and Maddie smiles softly, reaching out to grab his hand.

“Of course Evan, I’ll always be here for you, and you’re always welcome with me,” She says, looking at him. Both Buckley siblings look up as they hear familiar footsteps towards the door, and Maddie smiles again. “And maybe staying with Eds will make you two finally come to your senses,” She quickly adds, removing her hand.

She knows Eddie has a key, but she walks to the door nevertheless to open it.

“What does that mean?” Buck asks, voice cracking a little bit from the volume and his still healing throat but Maddie just turns around to smile at him innocently before opening the door.

“Is he okay?” Eddie’s voice was instant, and Maddie chuckles knowingly, putting a hand on Eddie’s shoulder.

“He’s okay,” She quickly reassures him. Eddie walks into the apartment, closing the door behind him and walking over to Buck.

“What happened to the kitchen?” Eddie continues, because despite Maddie’s best efforts, it was still a mess. Buck ducks his head in shame, feeling the tips of his ears burn from the question.

“He .. freaked out about the knives,” Maddie eventually supplies, not sure how she was going to explain even if it seems that Eddie understood enough from that. They all knew how the woman, Tamara, had been killed by Buck after all. Buck groans at that, hiding his face in his hands.

“Maddie-” He starts, and Maddie laughs.

“What? It’s the truth,” Maddie walks over to Buck, nudging him. Buck just grumbles, reluctantly glancing at Eddie.

“I’m sorry for bothering you, Eds,” Buck shrugs, and Eddie shakes his head.

“You know it’s no problem, you’re always welcome at our home,” Eddie cuts in. “Besides, I’m pretty sure I still have Christopher’s practice knives that you can have,” And for the first time in days, Buck barks out a laugh. Both Eddie and Maddie smile at that, happy to see the younger man laughing again.

And for once, that laugh isn’t followed by a look of shame, and Buck smiles softly at Eddie.

“Thanks Eds, I appreciate it,” He says, and Eddie shrugs.

“That’s what friends are for,” And if he notices the look of frustration on Maddie’s face, he didn’t show it. “Now come on, I asked the grandma next door to look after Chris for an hour, but I promised him I’d spend the day with it. Although I’m not sure how I feel about my son being more excited about your arrival when I told him you’d be staying with us,” Eddie continues.

Buck grins at that, a little more subdued than other days, but a grin nevertheless. He grabs his bag, turning to Maddie and hesitating for a second.

“Come here you idiot,” Maddie chuckles, spreading her arms and beckoning for Buck to get in there.

“Yes ma’am,” Buck laughs softly, stepping in between Maddie’s arms and allowing her to gently hug him. She was careful to not squeeze too hard and irritate his wounds, but still tight enough to show that he was loved. “I love you, Mads,” He murmurs in the hug, and Maddie rubs his back before pulling out of the hug.

“I love you too, little big bro.”

*

*

*

“Buck!” Chris immediately shouts as Buck walks through the door, Buck almost wants to flinch away from Chris but he stays rooted in place as Chris walks over to him without his crutches, embracing him.

“H-Hey bud,” He whispers, hugging him back carefully.

“I missed you,” Chris murmurs in the hug. “Dad said you were coming because you were sad,” he continues, and Buck feels a little lost, glancing between Eddie and the boy that was still in his arms. Buck sighs, pulling out of the hug and kneeling until he was at the same height as Christopher.

His wounds pulled a little bit, but it had been days since the attack, and they were all healing nicely. Christopher’s face was sad as he reaches out, touching the healing bruises on Buck’s throat. He was just glad that it was healing, and that the pain in his throat wasn’t bad enough to prevent him from talking.

Buck reaches up, grabbing one of Chris’ hands. “I’m okay, Superman,” He says, rubbing his hand with his thumb. “Your dad is helping me, and you know what? So are you. You’re amazing Christopher,” Buck chuckles, and Chris smiles at that.

“Dad always says breakfast makes you feel better,” Chris says, and Buck feels himself grin again.

“Only if he’s not making it, I don’t think his food would make anyone feel better,” Buck retorts, ignoring the look of mock betrayal on Eddie’s face.

“Not even a dog would eat your cooking dad,” Chris joins in, and this time Eddie audibly gasps.

“Betrayed by my own son?” He asks, reaching forwards and grabbing Christopher and hoisting him up gently. Chris lets out a squeal of laughter. Buck watches with soft eyes, smiling as Eddie gently sets his son down again. “Buck and I need to put his luggage away, then we’ll-... he will make breakfast,” Eddie corrects himself.

Chris seems disappointed for a moment, but accepts the conditions without much of a fuss. Buck grabs his bag, standing up and already moving towards the couch.

“Buck-” Eddie reaches out quickly, grabbing the bag from Buck’s shoulder and already moving towards his room.

“Eddie, I can sleep on your couch,” Buck calls after him, but Eddie purposefully ignores him, entering his bedroom and throwing the bag on the bed.

“I know you can, doesn’t mean you have to,” Eddie retorts, causing Buck to fall silent. “And I know what’s going on in that thick head of yours, you’re not bothering us by being here, and that bed is big enough for both of us,” Eddie quickly adds, turning around to look at Buck.

“What if I hurt you? Or Chris?” Buck swallows thickly, looking up at Eddie with tears in his eyes. Eddie sighs, stepping forwards and putting a hand on Buck’s shoulder.

“You won’t, Buck, you know better than that. What you did was self-defence-”

“And I know that logically, I know that you’re right, okay?” Buck half-shouts, whipping his head around for a second before lowering his voice. “I know you’re right okay? I know it was self-defence and I would’ve…. I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t done that.. But I still can’t help but feel I was wrong.. And it doesn’t change that I killed a girl,” Buck continues.

“For a good reason,” Eddie points out quickly, not dismissing what Buck was saying. “Do you think Maddie did something wrong by killing Doug?” Eddie asks, and Buck almost flinches at the mention.

“No of course not, but it’s not the same, Doug-”

“Attacked her?” Eddie asks, and Buck frowns.

“Doug was a bad person, that girl wasn’t,” Buck retorts, and Eddie shakes his head.

“She still attacked you, and you defended yourself, nobody blames you for that,” Eddie instead replies, taking a step closer. “Buck, I’m going to keep saying that until you believe me, but I understand why you need time. Just know that we’re all here for you,” Eddie adds to that.

Buck looks at him with uncertainty, but he quickly realises that there was no sense in talking Eddie out of it. He sighs.

“You know I snore really loudly according to Chris?” He instead asks, and Eddie smiles at that.

“I’m well-aware of that,” Eddie replies back. “But it’s worth the help around here, and I save money on take-out,” He adds.

“Oh, so I’m nothing more than free labour for you?” Buck replies with a smirk and Eddie shrugs.

“You wanted something else?” Eddie fires back, and for a moment he feels his gaze wander to Buck’s lips, just a second where he could swear Buck shuffled a little closer. And Eddie could swear he saw his cheeks turn just a tinge of red before-

“Dad! Buck! I’m hungry!” Chris yells from the kitchen, and Buck groans, turning around.

“Duty calls, the free labour begins,” Buck jokes, lingering just for a second more before slipping from Eddie’s grip and walking back into the kitchen where Chris was already standing in front of the stove. “Hey Superman, what do you wanna eat for breakfast?” Buck asks, nudging Chris gently.

“Pancakes!” Chris smiles. “With apple slices, please.” Chris asks, and Buck chuckles.

“You got it little man,” Buck says, having made them enough for both of them already.

“Really, Chris?” Eddie groans, walking towards one of the cabinets. Chris just grins at his dad, helping Buck out with grabbing the stuff they would need. The pancake and apple recipe was one of the recipes Buck learned when he was in Peru, after a one-night stand with a random Dutch tourist.

She had made it for him in the morning, telling him how it was usually eaten as dinner. And Chris had instantly loved it, making it at every opportunity, even if Eddie kept insisting that it was a crime to put apples on a pancake.

“You heard the man,” Buck teases him, reaching for the apples and putting one on the chopping board before freezing, hand lingering on the drawer where the utensils were hidden…. And the knives.

“Here-” Eddie mentions, handing Buck something. He flinches slightly, staring at the knife with horror before he recognises what he was holding and tension seems to drain from his body.

“Seriously Eddie?” Buck groans, and Eddie just grins. “I thought you were kidding about the practice knives,” Buck protests, but he still grabs the practice knife from Eddie, weighing it in his hand for a second before Chris walks over to him.

“Are you okay Buck?” He asks, looking up, and Buck takes a second to collect himself before looking down with a grin.

“I’m a lot better now, thanks to you helping me,” Buck smiles brightly, and Chris seems satisfied with the answer, reaching for the apple and taking it back to his spot where the chopping board was. Buck smiles, turning around to look Eddie in the eyes. “Thanks… for everything,” He says.

And he’s not sure if he is imagining Eddie’s glance move towards his lips, but Eddie quickly stops himself.

“That’s what friends are for,” He says, gesturing to Chris. “Now go back those horrible pancakes,” He chuckles, and Buck mirrors the sound, walking over to Chris with the practice knife in his hand.

They could talk about that glance later.