Work Text:
There’s a ball in Lloyd’s chest that he can’t unravel. A combination of feelings so intertwined that he can’t quite get a good glimpse at any individual one. All Lloyd knows is that he has a squeezing chill in his chest that won’t go away.
His curiosity and need to know can’t help but threaten to run amok, overturning everything in their search for what may be causing the disconcerting sensation.
He hates that he feels this way. They’ve just got Zane back; he should be focusing on that. But no, of course nothing can be simple for the constantly tried Green Ninja. Now Lloyd is worried he’s becoming a control freak because he can’t help but dwell on this feeling that feels so familiar, so suspiciously similar to the feelings that overcome him after a mission when he’s convinced there’s a loose end out there, a lingering threat to him and his friends—
No.
The feeling in his chest isn’t that. It’s not.
But.
It’s close. Too close. And Lloyd doesn’t know why.
They saved the day. They saved their friend. They’re back in Ninjago.
And yet.
Lloyd can’t seem to get his guard to go down. His body wants him to be prepared. He doesn’t know what for.
At least the confusing feeling is weak enough that Lloyd can bottle it up, shove it deep in the back of his mind so that he won’t think about it.
And so he does.
---
The first piece of the feeling unravels a few days after the team’s return from the Never-Realm. Lloyd is sauntering through the hall after a deliciously greasy take-out dinner. His mind is occupied with thoughts of new clothes, muscle memory guiding his steps as he makes his way towards his room for a well-deserved rest. Everyone is still exhausted from their most recent adventure, and although the thought of lazing around is tempting, Lloyd has remained dutiful in his training. Even if it hurts.
Especially because it hurts.
Before his thoughts can take a darker, self-flagellating turn, Lloyd’s eyes catch on something shining in the bathroom. It only takes a moment for him to realize the glistening object is actually a hand. Particularly Zane’s reflective hand. Zane hadn’t eaten with them earlier. Has he been in here the whole time?
As Lloyd continues his walk down the hallway, more of Zane’s body becomes visible through the half-open door. Zane stands in front of the mirror, facing it, but not looking at it. The Nindroid’s head is angled downwards, his strong hands gripping both sides of the sink. His back and shoulders are tight.
The position of his teammate rings alarm immediately, and Lloyd stops walking. In the split second it takes for him to decide to ask if Zane’s alright, Lloyd becomes aware of something that wasn’t quite there earlier. The feeling in his chest. It’s stronger than it was days ago, and this spike has allowed it to push through the mental barriers Lloyd had shut it behind.
Lloyd knows with a certainty that comes as easily as breathing that the feeling is there because of the one in front of him.
A noise of escapes Lloyd before he can catch it, an aborted question, and he watches as Zane’s head shoots up at a speed that would’ve given Lloyd whiplash on a bad day. Through the mirror, bright, pale blue eyes meet green ones.
The bathroom door closes quickly, and Lloyd is left alone to process what just happened.
The more Lloyd replays the fleeting moment in his mind, the worse he feels. Because for just a second, a fraction of a fraction of one, Lloyd wasn’t seeing Zane. He was seeing…something else. He was looking into the angry red eyes of his father at his worst. He was looking into his eyes—
Nope. Lloyd really doesn’t want to open up that can of snakes, now or ever, so he doesn’t. Instead, he focuses on the piece of the complicated feeling in his chest that is slowly making itself known to him.
Lloyd knows now that when he looks at Zane, he’s seeing a source of complicated feelings rivaling those which arise when he looks at his own father. And he hates that. Zane is family, Zane is the older brother and pseudo-dad that has always cared for him. Except for when he forgot how to. So why? Why can’t Lloyd just enjoy the fact that their friend is finally safe? Why can’t his mind just listen to him for once and let go of something that’s done and over with?
The ball in his chest unravels slightly, revealing guilt.
---
Lloyd isn’t so prideful that he won’t admit he’s been avoiding Zane since the guilt revealed itself. In the week that has followed the brief bathroom encounter, Lloyd’s hardly seen the other man, and as unfortunately expected, the feeling in his chest has faded to the background. Just more proof that whatever Lloyd is feeling is tied to Zane.
Which means it makes only too much sense that the next time Lloyd really sees Zane is when the next piece of the feeling uncoils.
Master Wu has given Lloyd the go ahead to oversee training for today, and so the Green Ninja finds himself standing on the deck of the Bounty, watching varying pairs of his teammates spar using training staffs. Jay has just barely managed to defeat Kai, and although Kai looks a bit disgruntled, Lloyd knows it’s mostly for show, and that at most Kai will grumble for a few minutes.
“Nice job guys!” Lloyd calls out to the red- and blue-clad pair. Jay extends his hand towards the Red Ninja and Kai takes it, Jay only slightly straining with the effort of pulling Kai up. The two head on inside the Bounty, probably to freshen up and finish the day off with some videogames. P.I.X.A.L. and Nya were the first two to spar, and so they’ve been inside for a while.
Lloyd turns to the ninja next to him, “Alright you two, you’re up!”
The two remaining ninja, Cole and Zane, approach the center of the deck, immediately assuming fighting stances.
Looking over his teammates, Lloyd senses the feeling he’s come to loathe spiking again, and he doesn’t have to focus to know it’s been triggered by the sight of Zane. It’s been over a week and Lloyd still can’t figure out why he’s feeling this way. He had somewhat hoped that time away from the White Ninja would cause the feeling to subside for good, but based on the chilled squeezing in his chest, clearly that didn’t work.
Oh well, now isn’t the time to focus on this. Lloyd’s got a sparring match to oversee. He notices the way Cole and Zane grip their staffs with anticipation, awaiting Lloyd’s signal.
“Go!” Lloyd shouts into the warm air. Immediately, Zane and Cole spring into action, Cole bringing down his staff with significant force against Zane’s, which is in a horizontal defense position.
Zane holds his staff steadily against Cole’s, which would’ve surprised Lloyd if he didn’t already know that Zane was much stronger than he typically let on. For not the first time, Lloyd wonders what other, lesser-known improvements Zane had made to his newer body.
Cole, clearly sensing that his attack won’t go through, breaks it off, backing up a couple steps to give himself some room. Less than a second passes before he launches himself into another attack, aiming to strike his staff into Zane’s side. Zane blocks it easily though, before quickly turning the other direction to make the same strike on Cole’s other side.
The dark-haired ninja barely blocks in time, and so loses his balance somewhat. Lloyd leans forward as he watches Zane realize the direction of Cole’s momentum and take advantage of it. He swings his staff down before sweeping it up harshly. Lloyd’s breath catches as it misses Cole’s face seemingly by near centimeters, lightly jostling a loc.
His chest squeezes.
Cole nearly topples over trying to back up from the swing, but he recovers quickly. He lets out a harsh breath, inhaling and exhaling heavily, a sharp contrast to the complete composure of Zane. Zane spins his staff around a couple times and taps it on the ground once it’s upright again.
Lloyd pretends not to notice how remarkably familiar that little move is.
As Cole and Zane stare each other down in preparation for the next part of their spar, Lloyd starts getting the odd feeling that something isn’t right. Maybe it’s because of that feeling in his chest. Maybe it’s because watching this reminds him of times he’d kind of rather forget.
A beat passes before Cole and Zane go at each other again, but Lloyd isn’t fully watching this time. His mind is elsewhere.
Absentmindedly, Lloyd scratches at his head as he tries to figure out what’s wrong. He watches the two trade blows for a couple minutes more when he finally realizes.
He’s watched countless matches between Cole and Zane. Hell, he’s seen countless matches between all combinations of the Ninja. And never before has he seen Zane fight like this. Zane has always been a cold and calculated fighter, as is his element, but there’s something different about the way he’s exhibiting these traits in this match, Lloyd thinks. He’s cold and calculating, yes, but there’s an undercurrent of force and ruthlessness that wasn’t there before.
His blows land harder, he makes more moves to sweep Cole off his feet. He’s using strategies Lloyd’s never seen before. He’s on the offense more than he’s on the defense. He’s choosing to utilize the robotic strength he typically keeps under wraps. Most concerning is that he’s making moves that have a far greater risk of injury to Cole than Zane would usually make.
Out of all of them, Zane has the best track record of avoiding doling out real injuries during training. And yet with the way Zane is fighting today, Lloyd is becoming increasingly worried that Cole won’t make it out unscathed. He’s not sure Cole notices this. He watches the Earth Ninja’s face for any signs of confusion or distress, but he finds none. Maybe…maybe it’s all in Lloyd’s head.
That still doesn’t stop the feeling from constricting his chest further, forcing Lloyd to recognize this part of it for what it is—anxiety and apprehension.
Lloyd pushes through the feeling as much as he can, ignoring the rushing in his ears and the way his breath shortens. But when he sees Zane reach his staff up to land what could be a nasty head wound, he can’t take it anymore, “Stop!”
The effects of the desperate plea are immediate. Both Zane and Cole freeze in place and turn to look at Lloyd.
Zane is the first to meet Lloyd’s eyes, and the look the Nindroid sends him would’ve made someone with less self-control stagger backward. Even with all of Lloyd’s remarkable discipline, the gaze chills him to the bone. It’s gone in a blink though, like it was never there, replaced by an impassive, if slightly confused expression.
Cole rises to his feet and stands slightly in front of Zane, “Everything okay, Lloyd?” He sounds winded.
“Huh? Oh, yeah, um…” Lloyd stumbles over his words, trying to figure out how to explain himself. He can’t really go out and say he was getting worried Zane was going to seriously hurt Cole, which now that Lloyd thought about it sounded extremely stupid and paranoid. Zane would never do that, especially not to Cole. "I just, uh, thought you guys were doing great, and it didn’t really look like anyone was winning anytime soon, so I ended it early. Sorry.”
Cole didn’t look quite convinced, but frankly that wasn’t Lloyd’s main concern. Instead, Lloyd focused his attention on Zane, who similarly appeared disbelieving, but there was something else on his face too. It almost looked like shame, like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t. But that didn’t make any sense.
Zane and Cole share a quick look that Lloyd doesn’t dare intrude on. He feels like a child. The two turn back to Lloyd and nod before walking past the Green Ninja and heading inside. Lloyd doesn’t follow. He can’t stop thinking about the chilling look on Zane’s face.
Last time Lloyd had been taken aback by the look in Zane’s eyes, the Nindroid had reminded the Green Ninja of his father.
This time, the look behind those piercing blues was different. It made the apprehensive piece of the feeling Lloyd’s been carrying around more prominent.
This time, the look in Zane’s eyes reminded Lloyd of a predator who had just lost their prey.
---
It’s cold. Actually, scratch that, it’s downright freezing.
Lloyd blinks tears from his eyes as the sudden chilling onslaught forces them to appear. After a couple blinks, he’s finally able to focus on his surroundings. White and gray dominate his vision as a snowy landscape makes itself known to him.
He needs to find shelter.
The blizzarding conditions essentially leave him blinded, so he trudges aimlessly through the nearly knee-high snow.
A few or a lot of steps later, Lloyd starts making out the beginnings of a rather imposing structure, looming over the frozen landscape. The moment the Green Ninja sets his eyes on it, he gets the sense that he should know this place, that he’s been there before. But he can’t place it. And truthfully, he doesn’t dwell on it much, survival a much higher priority.
The door of the structure is cracked open, and Lloyd’s muscles strain painfully as he pulls with all his might to open it enough to fit his body.
The inside isn’t much warmer than the outside, truthfully, but it’s warm enough that Lloyd doesn’t complain. It’s dark, but Lloyd can still see the damning vapor with each breath he takes. The building is also quite empty, the large hall Lloyd stands in being almost completely bare, save for the dirty and torn rug beneath him, and the tattered banners scaling the walls. Oh, and the massive shards of dark, slightly glowing ice scattered across the ground.
He stays away from the ice.
Lloyd nearly feels outside himself when he slowly walks down the hall towards another set of large doors. He turns his head to the side, taking in the walls of the castle.
When he turns back, he’s somewhere new. Not that new. Lloyd knows that he’s beyond those next set of doors he saw hardly a moment ago.
A familiar feeling makes itself known in his chest.
This room has even more shards of ice, larger than the last, lining the pathway from Lloyd’s position at the bottom of a large staircase. A throne sits at the top of the steps, but it’s too bright to make out any details other than that.
“Who are you?” A deep, gravelly voice sounds out, seemingly behind Lloyd. The words are said slowly, dripping menacingly. Lloyd whips around to look behind him, trying to follow the source of the voice, but he finds nothing but cold, empty air. He feels a chill on the back of his neck, prompting him to look back in the other direction.
On the throne sits an imposing figure. Lloyd tries, but he can’t quite focus on them. The stairs seem to stretch on for miles in between them. They’re wearing dark armor and holding a staff seemingly made out of thick ice, and Lloyd can make out two piercing eyes staring him down but looking at the figure is…fuzzy.
Lloyd feels like he should know who this is.
He doesn’t.
The staff lifts and hits the ground once, “Well?” the figure asks, impatience clear, “Answer me.”
Lloyd tries to answer but his voice comes out quiet and like broken glass.
The figure stands. The staff strikes the floor with an echoing thud. “You disrespect me? You dare stay silent when you’ve been demanded to speak?”
Anger rises in the figure’s tone. Lloyd can’t protest, his voice still stolen from him, twisted beyond repair.
The figure begins coming down the endless stairs, moving both slowly and quickly. Step by menacing step. The air becomes oppressing, stifling, colder. Everything about the approaching figure screams danger in Lloyd’s ear.
Lloyd backs up a few steps, and nearly falls over when he suddenly can’t move his legs anymore. He looks down, and he sees that they’re encased in ice, unbreakable.
His breath picks up. He looks up again and startles when the figure appears right in front of him. Lloyd can see more details now, yet the form of the person in front of him is still fuzzy, still something he can’t quite focus on. He feels like he should know their name.
“You disrespect me,” the man in front of Lloyd begins calmly, “by entering my throne room and refusing to speak to your Emperor. You have attempted to strip me of what is mine.” The man holds the staff up. “Worst of all, you have very nearly succeeded.”
Disdain coils around the man’s words, and Lloyd can’t seem to get his voice to work at all. He can only watch as the man pins him with an unreadable look.
“You drag me, powerless, to a foreign realm. You believe that I am no danger to you. You trust me. How foolish.”
The man slowly circles around Lloyd as he speaks. As Lloyd follows him with his eyes, he notices their surroundings are slowly shifting. There is still ice everywhere, but instead of being the hollow remains of a castle, they’re in the hollow remains of a ship. A familiar ship. The name eludes Lloyd.
The hungry look in the man’s eyes makes Lloyd shrink back. Finally, the man stops in front of Lloyd again.
He reaches for his helmet, and begins taking it off, speaking all the while, “What you don’t understand is that I can play the long game. I can pretend to tolerate the cage you’ve put me in. I can bide my time until I know I can win.” The helmet fully comes off as the last word leaves the man’s lips.
Lloyd’s breath is stolen away when he comes face to face with the first thing he’s been able to recognize. Zane stares back at him, face free from the permafrost it gained during his reign as the Ice Emperor.
It’s a face Lloyd knows. It’s a face Lloyd has trusted for years.
It’s a face of someone who recognizes Lloyd, but it regards him with only apathy.
The feeling in his chest constricts painfully, forcing the word out of his throat, “Zane?”
Zane remains impassive. “How many times must I tell you, Lloyd? There is no Zane. Not anymore. There is only the Emperor.” His voice is his normal cadence, not the deep depths of before. The Nindroid raises his staff and points it straight at Lloyd.
“You should have left me in the Never-Realm.”
Apathetic eyes are the last thing Lloyd sees as ice overtakes his vision.
-
Lloyd gasps awake, chilly despite being covered in sweat. What…where…?
Oh.
It was just a dream.
His heart is still pounding, and that feeling sits heavy in his chest.
And Lloyd knows that he is afraid.
The ball unravels a little more.
---
Lloyd hasn’t been able to get his dream out of his head, and so the feeling in his chest is becoming a constant companion. He feels like he almost understands it now. Pieces of it have become clear to him. Guilt, apprehension, fear. But something’s missing, Lloyd thinks. Something that can tie it all together.
It’s already been a few days since Lloyd woke up in a cold sweat and he’s no closer to figuring out the root of this feeling than he was before. The dream made it clear to him that he’s feeling this way because of what happened with Zane in the Never-Realm, but he just doesn’t get why.
Why does he feel this unease, this unspoken fear, this guilty feeling when he’s around the Nindroid? It’s not like any of what happened the Never-Realm was Zane’s fault! Not to mention, that’s all behind them now. The man himself said he can hardly remember the time. Case closed. Nothing to worry about.
But.
No matter how much Lloyd tells himself this in a thousand different ways, the feeling in his chest remains. His body is telling him something his mind won’t accept.
It doesn’t help that ever since having the dream, every time Lloyd comes across Zane, his first instinct is to tense up, to wait for his shining eyes to turn cold and pale. Like his.
It’s stupid. Zane is not the Ice Emperor. It was his body, but it wasn’t…it wasn’t him. It wasn’t.
Except.
Well.
Deep down, Lloyd can’t quite bring himself to believe that. Because last time…last time he brushed things off and jumped straight into faith in another…
A part of him, a not-so small part, a part broken maybe beyond repair by Harumi and her betrayal whispers things he doesn’t want to hear. It calls the dream a warning rather than a nightmare. It speaks of fake and pretense in hushed tones every time green eyes meet baby blue. It grows bolder and louder as Lloyd’s denials begin to crumble.
Because.
Because.
Something isn’t right. Maybe that’s what the feeling in his chest is telling him. Has been all along.
The past few weeks have seen Lloyd at the receiving end of glares more suited for a ruthless tyrant than a kind-hearted Nindroid. Those fleeting looks send Lloyd back in the throne room, back to near-death at the hands of his family.
Lloyd wants to puke.
He wants to forget all these thoughts and just soak into the relief that Zane is alive and here and he’s only spiraling.
Oh, how he wants.
Oh, how he never gets.
Lloyd stumbles around the lower deck of the Bounty. As he walks along the hall, he hears the sounds of conversation coming from the TV room. His fellow ninja must be there. He should join them.
Immediately, as if responding to his thoughts, the feeling in his chest squeezes tighter than ever before, to the point where he can think of nothing else.
Baby blue to cold and pale. Predatory. Apathetic. Not right.
Pretending.
Lloyd barely manages to repress the retch.
Zane and the Ice Emperor, Lloyd thought, were two separate people, the latter a persona Zane can’t even remember having anymore, if the Nindroid is to be believed.
But.
FSM, Lloyd feels horrible, guilty as sin. But he can’t deny it anymore. He can’t act like nothing’s changed. Normal is dead and gone.
Maybe…maybe they didn’t only bring Zane back from the Never-Realm. Maybe something else, someone else, came back.
He watches the team lounge in the TV room. Zane is stoic in the face of his teammates’ antics, but his eyes are baby blue, warm as can be.
The sight is no longer comforting.
Zane is a man of patience, after all.
Finally, the feeling Lloyd has loathed so much unravels fully. Lloyd’s lips harden is the last piece reveals itself.
Distrust.