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England, December 25th, 2029 A.D.
-
In a relatively unusual fashion, it was a stormy night in England. Not that storms are unusual in England, but this was a proper snow squall over London. Power was going out all over the city, the streets were empty for the most part, and all the inhabitants of the city had barricaded themselves in their shelters to sit by the fire and tell stories like in the days of old. It also happened to be Christmas, which meant it was the perfect night for something big to happen.
In East Sussex, there was no raging storm, but instead a light snowfall that was quiet and blanketed the town in a cozy layer of snow, the kind of idyllic Christmas night you always long for as a child. In a seaside cottage in East Sussex, an Angel was reading in his favorite armchair in his library with a small dog on his lap, while a snake-like Demon was taking a nice winter slumber on a comfy couch in front of the fireplace. It was a quiet, peaceful domestic moment on their own side, until the knocks on the front door started.
Disturbing the peace, a series of frantic knocks on the front door sounded through the house. Laika, the dog, jumped off the lap of Aziraphale, the angel, and ran barking for the door. Crowley, the demon, stirred with a groan.
“Wassat?” He mumbled. He was never at peace performance in cold weather.
“We’re about to find out.” Aziraphale said, standing up and going for the front door while gently chastising the dog.
Aziraphale didn’t know what to expect at first, but just before his hand touched the door handle he had the fleeting image of a half-frozen human whose car had broken down in the snow and needed assistance. However, when he opened the door, he was shocked to find a half-frozen Gabriel on his doorstep instead.
Gabriel was in a right state, one that Aziraphale hadn’t seen him in before. He’d seen Gabriel angry before, as well as happy, and he’d seen his false facade of friendliness before, but in this moment Gabriel had a look on his face that Aziraphale had never once seen on his face. It was a look of complete and utter fear.
“Gabri—“ Aziraphale could barely speak before he was interrupted.
“I’m really. Sorry to intrude. I am.” Gabriel panted. “I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t need help.”
Aziraphale, once again, found himself pitying his ex-boss.
“Of course, come in.” He ushered Gabriel inside the mudroom of the cottage, Laika having ceased her barking and now dead set on sniffing Gabriel’s shoes.
“Angel? What is it?” Crowley came out of the library and started down the hall, still half asleep and wrapped in the thick blanket he had just been slumbering under. Once he saw Gabriel, however, the blanket and any traces of sleepiness were discarded as he made his way quickly down the hall.
“Ah! Gabriel! I haven’t seen you since… I thought you went off to Alpha Centauri!” To Crowley’s surprise, Gabriel grabbed him by the arms with a pitiful look on his face.
“I really, REALLY hate to be doing this, but I need your help. I know what you were doing in the dark ages, and I am VERY out of my depth. Please, please help. I don’t have anyone else to turn to.”
The gears in Crowley’s head turned and suddenly clicked in realization and his eyes went wide. Aziraphale noticed this, and wrung his hands in both anxiousness and confusion.
“Why me—you know what? Never mind. I’ll do this for you on the condition that you leave us alone.”
“Consider it done.”
“Alright. Angel, grab your coat.” Crowley snapped his fingers to miracle some street clothes on, his pajamas finding themselves in a laundry basket upstairs. To Aziraphale’s surprise, they were hardly his usual sleek and suave garb either. They looked more worn out, as if he was purposefully using clothes that he didn’t care about anymore.
“Wh-Why? What is the meaning of this? Where are we going?” Aziraphale fussed, getting his coat.
“I trust you’re gonna take us to where we need to go, because I am not driving the Bentley in this weather.”
“I will.” It was then that both the husbands noticed Gabriel’s clothes—less fashionable than usual, some old slacks and oxfords and a white button down with no tie—were soaking wet, and that the Archangel in question was shivering. He must have flown in the storm to find their home, with the cottage being off the radar from heaven and hell. Aziraphale, in a moment of pity, grabbed an extra coat of his and offered it to Gabriel, who gratefully took it.
“Right then. Allons y.” Crowley took one of Gabriel’s hands while Aziraphale took the other, and the three were teleported out of the cottage mudroom, leaving a very confused terrier mix in their wake.
-
When the three supernatural entities landed, they found themselves in an sleek looking penthouse in what seemed to be COL—the business district, of course. It was sleek and minimalistic in design, and looked like it was occupied fairly frequently by two inhabitants.
As soon as he was sure they had reached the right place, Gabriel took off towards a bedroom door.
“Hey! Wait!” Crowley chased after him. “At least EXPLAIN to me what I’m exactly getting myself into here!” His voice trailed off as Aziraphale looked around the flat. He took a look around, looking for evidence as to what the hell he had been dragged into. Everything looked clean enough, until he reached the kitchen and found a puddle of some kind of clear fluid on the floor mixing with a cup of coffee, which had been dropped on the floor as if in surprise and was now shattered. By the looks of it, it seemed to have happened fairly recently—probably no more than two hours ago.
“Oh dear.” He fretted, and snapped his fingers to rid the floor of the mess. It was then he heard the sound of someone groaning from the room that Gabriel and Crowley had disappeared into. He turned on his heel and went in that direction, not sure of what he would find.
-
What Aziraphale found, to his complete shock, was what appeared to be Beelzebub, the prince of hell and lord of the flies, kneeling on a bed while gripping the headboard with white knuckles and pain etched all over their face. They weren’t wearing their usual attire, instead opting for an oversized grey tshirt that could have only belonged to one angel who was in that room, and it was then that Aziraphale noticed their distended midsection, and a metaphorical lightbulb went off above his head.
“Ah! Fuck! Aziraphale! Get—OW!” Beelzebub screamed. Gabriel knelt on the mattress next to the prince of hell and took the one hand that wasn’t on the headboard, allowing them to dig their black nails into his hand hard enough to draw blood.
“Do You have ANYTHING prepared?” Crowley asked, pacing the room.
“Hot water, blankets, towels, ANYTHING?!” He was frantic.
“That’s why we sent for you.” Gabriel said. Crowley hissed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“You’re telling me you two weren’t prepared for this at all?! Nine months, nine bloody months you had to prepare and you did nothing?!”
The wind howled outside, beating against the glass.
“We didn’t think we’d get this far!” Gabriel argued. Crowley turned to look at Aziraphale.
“Aziraphale, the power’s out but the gas stove should still work. Put a kettle on, get us some hot water. Find some old towels, and if you can’t find any, miracle some new ones up that you don’t mind getting all sorts of blood and guts on them. Otherwise, stay out, because this is a rare situation that would be better by not having you in the room.” The angel nodded and turned to busy himself with his given tasks. Crowley could be a commanding force of nature when he needed to, and it was better to heed his words. Besides, his kind of ordeal wasn’t typically his scene.
-
Aziraphale stood by the kettle, watching it and waiting for something to happen. He fiddled with his pocketwatch, and as he did he recalled a time in the second century BC where he had heard cries in the night in the middle of the desert and discovered Crowley assisting with the labor of a nomadic woman who was separated from her tribe. Thanks to Crowley’s intervention, the woman had delivered a healthy baby boy. When Aziraphale asked his now-husband about the ordeal afterwards, he spluttered and replied that he was baptizing the babies in Satan’s name after their birth, thus damning their souls to hell. Aziraphale never believed him.
Crowley exited the bedroom and Aziraphale looked up to him expectantly.
“Well?”
“Nothing yet. They’re close, but not close enough. It’s a waiting game now. We could be waiting for minutes, we could be waiting for hours. Either way, we’re stuck here with those two until that kid is out.” Crowley replied. There was a silence between the two only broken by the occasional groan and swear from the bedroom and some air escaping the kettle.
“How did this happen? I mean, those two—and I didn’t even know angels and demons COULD reproduce.”
“Well, Same original stock, after all. Don’t know what it could result as though, it’s never been done before. We don’t know if it’s going to be an angel, a demon, or something else entirely.”
“It’s own side.” Aziraphale said wistfully. Crowley smiled a little. There was some more silence between them before Aziraphale broke it again.
“I fantasized, sometimes, you know. Many times, actually, after I allowed myself to… you know. But I never thought it possible. I just buried it away in the back of my mind.”
Crowley looked at his husband.
“Why?” Aziraphale looked a bit sad.
“I didn’t know if it was possible, and if I’d asked you while not knowing if it was possible and you’d said yes and then nothing came from it, it would have broken our hearts. And I didn’t want you to think that my life wasn’t complete. You’re my whole world, I couldn’t bear to make you feel as though you weren’t enough for me.”
Crowley started to laugh a little.
“You know I thought the same thing about you, right?” Aziraphale brightened.
“Really?” Crowley nodded with a wide smile.
“Really, really.” Aziraphale let out a little laugh and the two hugged. They held on tightly, almost afraid to let go. When they finally did let go, Crowley was the first to speak.
“How about we talk more about us when this is all over. I want to see what that kid comes out like before I make any commitments. Don’t think we could handle two heads or millions of eyes.”
“Of course, of course.” Aziraphale smiled, his eyes shining.
“Why don’t you go in there and help out Gabriel? Beelzebub is in a world of hurt it’s been so long that his Royal smugness has forgotten how to use angelic healing.” Crowley suggested.
“Oh dear. Best see to that. I’m sure Gabriel will understand if I get discorporated in the process.”
“If you get discorporated I won’t let you set foot out of the house for a month.” Crowley threatened. Aziraphale planted a tender kiss on his cheek before going into the bedroom as the kettle started to whistle.
-
“You just feel the power pool in your hands, and then extend it outwards while focusing on your intention.” Aziraphale instructed. “It’s just like using holy fury to smite, but you’re using it to heal rather than destroy.”
“W-What should my intention be?” Gabriel asked, a bit nervous.
“In this situation, I’d say to relax the muscles. It will ease up the contractions—tightening muscles, if you remember from that seminar—and might even speed things along.”
“Lay one fucking holy finger on me and you’ll regret ever being made.” Beelzebub threatened Gabriel as Crowley entered the room with some hot water.
“I’m just going to help, Bee.” He promised, placing slightly glowing hands on their stomach.
’Bee?’ Crowley mouthed at Aziraphale, unnoticed by the other couple. Aziraphale shrugged. Perhaps they’d developed more cutesy nicknames since the last time they’d met up. Crowley put the water down.
“Right, once you’re done your little glowy thingy, I’m gonna check how far along we are. Aziraphale, turn around when that happens. Trust me, you don’t want to see it.” Aziraphale nodded, backing away from the bed.
After a minute or so, Gabriel stopped the healing for the time being. The relief was immediate for Beelzebub, not being wracked by painful contractions for the first time in over 24 hours. Aziraphale turned away from his husband and the odd-couple, busying himself with looking at the storm outside.
“Nine and a half centimeters.” Crowley said after a minute, backing away from the bed and turning to go wash up in the kitchen. “Any minute now. Gabriel, make yourself useful and keep doing the muscle relaxing thing, it should speed this up considerably.” Aziraphale turned and followed his husband out of the room.
-
Any minute turned out to be precisely half an hour, and then it was go time.
Aziraphale stood outside the room, of course. Beelzebub didn’t want him there, and nobody knew what would happen next. He had to stand guard in case the forces of heaven or hell came for the child.
Beelzebub was screaming and pushing out the little parasite that had been growing inside them for nine months, and in the back of their mind plotting how to kill their husband.
Gabriel was holding and supporting Beelzebub as they labored, concern for his spouse of over six thousand years banishing away any thoughts how how disgusting this whole process was.
Crowley was ready to catch the creature that would soon be born, and he didn’t know what to expect. An angel? A demon? A human? A monster? Something else entirely new? He had to admit he was both scared and excited, but also mentally praying to the Almighty asking why did it have to be these two out of all the hosts of heaven and hell who were testing it out.
“Fuckshitfuckfuckfuck!” Beelzebub cursed.
“Save that energy for pushing, Lord Beelzebub.” Crowley said.
“What the FUCK do you think I’ve been doing for the laszzzzt fifteen fucking minuteszzzzz?!” They shouted. “I’m szzzztarting to regret ever sending Gabriel to get you!”
“I know you’re in pain, but lessssss talking and more ‘getting that fucking kid out’. okay?” Crowley let a hiss slip through in his nervousness. Beelzebub suddenly let out a shout of pain that was a damn godsend to Crowley.
“What the FUCK iszzzz’at?” They demanded an answer. Crowley gave a little smile.
“That, Lord Beelzebub, is the ring of fire.”
“The what?” Gabriel’s eyes widened and he blinked a couple times.
“It means the baby’s crowning, and that kid’s coming out any minute.” Crowley responded. “It will be over any minute now, just keep pushing. No matter how weak you feel or how much it hurts, it’s extremely important that you keep pushing no matter what.”
Beelzebub wouldn’t have argued even if they could. This was already weakness enough to show in front of Crowley, they didn’t need to be blubbering and crying like a human female and screaming that they couldn’t do it. They were a prince of hell and a former seraph, and they weren’t going to let this little creature get the best of them or give Crowley the satisfaction of seeing them cry, not that they had cried since the fall anyway. Instead, they just bore down as hard as they could, and soon felt a huge release of pressure along with a shockwave, which knocked them back against Gabriel.
Crowley caught the baby in his arms as it happened. The baby was tiny, about as big as a human baby and the same shape too. On the back, he could feel something wet and papery jutting from between the baby’s shoulder blades. That didn’t bother him though. What did bother him was the fact that the baby wasn’t crying when it should have been. The culprit of this was the umbilical cord wrapped in a knot around the kid’s neck.
Crowley miracled a pair of clamps into his hand to put around the base before summoning some scissors and cutting the cord off from around the baby’s neck. He then grabbed a nearby towel and wrapped the kid in it and started rubbing their chest and back, trying to stimulate breathing. Regardless of what the child was, he had never had a mother or child die on his watch before and he certainly wasn’t going to start with the spawn of Lord Fucking Beelzebub. There was a nervous, expectant look on the couple’s faces, although Beelzebub’s was more full of pain as well. Soon, the kid let out a spluttering cough and coughed up some green phlegm onto Crowley’s leg. Good thing he didn’t care about this jeans. Then, they started crying, a loud, beautiful cry. It was once they started crying that Crowley was able to get a good look at them.
The kid had a female corporation probably out of convenience, Crowley assumed she’d become a sexless being when she got older and learned the full extent of her powers. Her pale skin was turning red as she cried—a good sign—and she had a small crown of black hair on top of her head. He grinned.
“Hello there, well you are fucking remarkable aren’t you?“ he said to the baby, who only screamed in response.
“Alright, Alright, here’s your mummy and daddy.” He carefully handed the baby over to Beelzebub, who took the infant in their arms.
Beelzebub brought the child to their chest and held them close, taking the sight of them in. They gently rocked the newborn.
“Don’t cry, it’s okay, don’t cry, I’m here.” They shushed, unaware of the tears starting to fall down their own cheeks for the first time in six thousand years.
-
The child and both her parents were fast asleep when Aziraphale and Crowley returned to their cottage in the South Downs. It was December 26th, and much to Gabriel’s annoyance his daughter had missed being born on Christmas by about an hour and a half.
There had been much to do at the penthouse of course. Beelzebub and Gabriel both had to compose themselves long enough to deal with the phone calls from Dagon and Michael, who had gotten alarms going off and felt the shockwave of miraculous energy along with all of heaven and hell. In tandem, they both told them that there was an exorcism of an elemental on earth that had caused the shockwave. Elementals weren’t in Heaven’s jurisdiction and Dagon’s office didn’t deal with them, so it went unquestioned. The answer seemed to pacify everyone well enough.
Gabriel had had to learn how to change nappies under Crowley’s instruction, not having the thought to learn how to beforehand. He could swaddle the girl well enough, but refrained from doing so so that her wet butterfly wings could dry out and pump themselves full of blood.
No matter what happened, Crowley and Aziraphale returned to the cottage at about three in the morning, in shock of what they had just been first hand witnesses to.
-
“Well… that happened.” Aziraphale said as they sat down on the couch in front of the fire.
“Yeah…” Crowley replied, dazed.
There was silence between them for a few moments, before Aziraphale broke it once again.
“Drinks?”
“Oh definitely.” Crowley sighed in relief.
“What would you like?“
“Whatever you think is drinkable and whatever will help me get past this.”
“Little of everything?”
“Absolutely. Not like we’re gonna do anything stupid.”
However, when the angel and demon awoke at around 11 AM naked in their bed with splitting headaches to the sound of Laika pawing at the door and barking to be fed, they found that they might have done stupid things that night indeed.