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“Li-ight!” L called, singsong, from across the busy street. Light flinched and cursed under his breath, shoving his hands in his pockets, and kept his head down. He just needed a new suit – that’s all he was out for. The store was just around the corner. If he walked fast enough, maybe he could just pretend he didn’t hear.
“Light!” L’s voice shouted again, though closer this time. Shit. Light quickened his steps. Don’t engage, he said to himself, the words a mantra he always cycled through whenever L decided to pop back into his life – one he could never listen to for long, though. Just don’t engage, he thought again, nonetheless.
“Quit ignoring me,” Came the voice again, but this time it was at Light’s shoulder. His head still down Light fully jumped this time, drawing a few confused looks from the other pedestrians at the intersection. Light met their eyes and smiled in a shy, embarrassed, way – stop looking at me, idiots! – before risking a glance to his left. He sighed in defeat when he was met with L pouting at him, his translucent form shimmering in the light of the sun. Honestly, he didn’t even know why he bothered trying to outrun him, anymore – the ghost caught up to him every time.
“There’s a gorgeous cake in the window of that shop over there,” L informed him, and pointed back where he’d come from. “I miss cake,” He pouted again.
Thanks for sharing, Light thought, rolling his eyes as the crossing sign turned green. Light moved in step with everyone else, hurrying across the busy street, while L breezed along next to him.
“You know, I never imagined Kira’d keep living like a civilian for so long. Where’s your chauffeur? Your limousine? Oh! Why don’t you have a personal shopper? Don’t you have names to be writing right now?” L rambled as he followed Light into the luxury store, silver bell chiming above their heads as the door opened before them.
Anonymity is key, L.
Light greeted the shop’s attendant.
Surely you understand that?
“I’m looking for something blue. Solid blue. Navy, actually,” Light told the bespectacled man attending to him, scribbling notes and nodding as Light spoke. “Three pieces. I’m also in the market for some new shoes to go with it.” The attendant nodded once more and opened his mouth to speak.
“Blue’s my color…” L spoke over him, but the attendant went on as if nothing else had been said at all. “I always thought you looked better in red.”
At that Light’s heart jumped, and as he tried to focus on the attendant’s words L pressed up against his back. The sensation of something so close, but never quite touching him, sent shivers down Light’s spine. L dropped his chin onto Light’s shoulder, pressing their cheeks together. “What do you need a new suit for, anyway?”
Light shook him off, rolling his shoulders in what he hoped was an elegant way, and smiled at the attendant. He told the man to lead the way as they left the front of the store, maneuvering through shelves and racks while L trailed after them, never far behind. Light never understood why he did this. Didn’t he realize Light would never respond to him like this? Never under the public eye?
Once Light acquired the navy suit, the attendant ushered him over to the dressing rooms, pulling a heavy velvet curtain shut between them as Light entered one of the little nooks. He had a second alone before L phased through the curtain, drifting over to take a seat on the plush stool by the mirror. Light shot him a glare, his first true acknowledgment of the ghost that day.
“What?” L shrugged. “I want to see what it looks like on you.”
Pervert, Light’s mind supplied as he took a deep breath, turning so that his back was towards L. He had no right to do this, to demand access to Light like this. And especially not here, in a quiet store with a smattering of customers browsing the selection, where Light had no opportunity to tell him no without being overheard.
But if the store had been empty, Light wondered briefly, even then, would he have still remained silent?
He undressed quickly, or as quickly as he could without seeming hurried. He felt L’s eyes on him as he slipped on the suit’s trousers, the waistcoat, the jacket. Turning back around towards the mirror, Light let his eyes drop shut. He fiddled with the lapels on the blazer for a moment, tugging at them, then smoothing them, before opening his eyes – and meeting L’s.
“You look beautiful,” L murmured, and it was with so much sincerity that Light nearly felt sick with guilt.
He broke their eye contact immediately.
He bought the suit. L had been right – it’d been perfect. And now, a little while later, the ghost was draped across the chaise lounge in Light’s office as Light diligently wrote names, the same way he did every night. He had a world to maintain. L’s presence couldn’t distract him.
But the ghost soon bothered him again, asking once more, “Why’d you need the suit?” While padding over to Light’s desk and standing next to where he sat.
“I got a promotion at work,” Light answered simply, refusing to do so much as look at him. He could talk now, in the privacy of his own home, but that didn’t mean he wanted to. That didn’t mean it was a good idea to.
“Ah, your day job, Kira?”
“Sure. My day job,” Light retorted, swiping down his final stroke of kanji for the night. “I’m chief now. Like my father.” He still refused to look up.
“Congratulations,” L replied, brushing an only-half-there hand across Light’s cheek. “Do you want me to tell him? I could bring him with me next time.”
“Don’t you dare,” Light shook his head, and L’s icy fingers fell away. “Let him rest. He earned it.”
There was a beat of silence, where Light felt L thinking, considering.
“And I didn’t?” He finally replied.
And so Light stood abruptly, the legs of his chair screeching as they slid across the wooden floor. “You don’t want to anyways. You only say that when you want to fight,” He scoffed as he turned around the other way, still not looking at the other, heading towards the office door.
“Says the one still alive,” L tuts. “Still warm! I’ve told you how this works. You know what you need to do.”
Light yanked the office door open. Why he’d even bothered shutting it earlier, he didn’t know. Some old habit, he supposed. A remnant from when he didn’t live so alone. “No, I don’t,” He simply responded, refusing to give in, before crossing into the hall and slamming the heavy door shut behind him.
Later he lay in bed, L curled up behind him, just as he’d done in life. He was making Light cold. He’d always done that, always seemed to be made of ice, but his deathly form just made the sensation worse. Light wrapped another blanket around himself. Frozen lips raised the hairs on the back of his neck.
“Will you just leave now? Why do you even bother?” Light mumbled, turning his face into his pillow and hiking up his shoulders. He wanted L to stop. He hated the feeling of his ghostly arms around him. They reminded him too much of when L’d done the same thing before, alive.
“Because I love you,” L shrugged, so simply, so effortlessly. “And if you’re not going to let me leave anyway, I might as well spend the afterlife with you, too.”
“I’ll say it right now,” Light challenged, though his voice was soft. It was an empty threat, the same one he always made when L came around. He’d been the only one who hadn’t said it at L’s funeral, all those years ago, after he’d fallen in love with the man but chosen to kill him anyway. L’s was just another life, just another name, just another sacrifice to make – or so he’d told himself. He thought it would be easy, to write it, mere hours after he’d learned it as L drifted off to sleep in bed beside the cold spot where Light had once laid himself.
But it hadn’t been.
“Then say it,” L whispered back, knowing Light wouldn’t dare. His new world hadn’t been worth it, in the end. He’d lost L once. L knew he wouldn’t dare banish him again.
And Light didn’t. No response came, he just pulled the sheets over his face and curled closer in on himself. L followed, wrapping himself further around Light’s tightly-wound limbs.
“I hate you,” Light said, his voice warped and muffled by layers of soft fabric. “Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.”
“No,” L replied, nosing into the crevice behind Light’s ear. He kissed him there through the sheets, little drops of ice on Light’s skin.
Rest in peace , Light thought then, bitterly, and he knew that was all he needed to say. That was all he needed to say, just those three little words that he couldn’t bring himself to utter years ago, accidentally allowing the ghost to latch onto him. To come back every once in a while, just to annoy Light – to bother him, antagonize him, to dare to still love him. Rest in peace. That was all he needed to say, and then L would be gone again, and then maybe Light would be able to finally stop regretting what he’d done.
His fists curled in the layers of fabric, his incapability driving him mad. He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t do it.
He didn’t want to say goodbye.
Defeated, Light took a deep breath.
“Does it…does it hurt you?” He asked L quietly, hesitantly, emerging from under the covers and turning to face the ghost in his bed. “Being here, like this?”
“It doesn’t hurt,” L assured him quietly. “It’s like…a longing. A longing…I’ll never be able to fulfill. Not without your help.” His head shifted ever so slightly, and his eyes – lighter now than they ever were in life – gazed at the ceiling.
“Do you want it fulfilled?” Light breathed, not even sure if he wanted an answer. If that was what L wanted…would Light be able to say it then? Would he even want to say it then?
But L answered, “I don’t know,” and a soft smile graced his thin lips. Light moved to kiss it, gently, always having to be so careful with him like this. “I think then I’d just…long for you.”
Light’s eyes dropped shut, a sigh escaping him. They were both selfish in the end, weren’t they?
“I won’t say it,” He breathed, his lips pressing softly to L’s once again. L reacted, slow and gentle, and kissed him back over and over again. “I can’t say it.”
“Then don’t say it,” L breathed in between tender, cold, kisses, his hand carding through Light’s hair. “Don’t let me go. Don’t make me long for you.”
Light shook his head and L chased his lips, the kiss they shared then long and sweet. “I won’t,” Light repeated, a new mantra to have and finally follow. “I can’t. I won’t. I won’t.”