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To be completely honest, Kuzan was already regretting this. As he climbed the steps of Garp’s home, Kizaru hot on his heels, he felt a sense of impending dread dawning upon him. Slowly, he knocked on the door, sharing a glance with his fellow commander.
The door swung open, Garp standing in the doorway with a big grin. “Ah, you’re here!” His shirt was half buttoned up, eyes ringed with dark circles, and hair a bed headed mess. To say that he looked bad would be an understatement. “I have to go soon so I’ll give you both a quick run down!”
A lot of questions ran through Kuzan’s mind as he stepped inside the house. It was surprisingly clean, almost to a barren extent. Did Garp clean this? Was he really okay with his two subordinate just staying here for two weeks alone in his house with his kid? Also, when the hell did Garp have a kid and why did he feel the need to ask two people to look over it while he was gone?
“-And the kitchen is over there. I need to go. Now. So have fun and don’t kill my kid.” Garp stated, finishing his tie and dashing out the door, leaving Kizaru and Kuzan standing alone in his home.
“Were you paying attention to anything he just said?” Kizaru asked.
“Not a word.” Kuzan sighed. Out of everyone, why did Garp ask them of all people? He sleeps nineteen hours a day and he’s pretty sure Kizaru spends at least three hundred and sixty three days a year completely stoned. They were not who you wanted when you look for a babysitter.
“So were is the little guy?” Kizaru asked.
“Barra!” Both men whipped around to a door half opened, though no one appeared to be standing in the door frame. Then he looked down.
“That’s a kid.” Kuzan stated.
“A baby I believe.” Kizaru agreed.
“Isn’t it supposed to be in a crib?”
“...I believe so.”
“So how did it get out?”
“Not a clue.”
The baby crawled towards them, peering up at them from it’s place on the floor. Kizaru bent down, slowly reaching out and patting the kid on the head.
“It’s pretty cute.”
“Nothing that comes from Garp can be cute.” Kuzan shoots down.
The infant seemed to be able to understand him, seeing as how its head swivelled to the side to look directly at Kuzan, staring straight into his eyes. Kuzan immediately took a step back.
“Are you scared of it?” Kizaru asked, humour tinting his voice.
“No, I’m not scared of it.” Kuzan snapped. “I just don’t want to kill it on accident.”
Kizaru rolled his eyes. “All you have to do is not drop it and make sure it doesn’t starve. It isn’t that hard.”
“Have you ever taken care of a baby?” Kuzan asked, eyeing him suspiciously.
“I have actually.” He nodded, bending down and scooping the baby up into his arms. Kuzan blinked. Huh. He hadn’t suspected that. Then again, he didn’t really know much about his co-worker so it wasn’t that surprisingly.
Kuzan watched as Kizaru gently cradled the child, rocking him gently back and forth. The baby lay there, expression stoned faced. It didn’t look like it was enjoying it, but it also didn’t look like it wasn’t enjoying it? Honestly, Kuzan has no idea what is normal behaviour for kids.
“We should find his room and put him down to sleep. Also, we should probably figure out how he got out here in the first place.” Kizaru decided.
Kuzan nodded in agreement, suddenly reminded of why his co-worker had gotten this far in his navy career. When he did care, he was actually pretty good at commanding.
“All right, let’s put this kid to sleep.”
“Phrasing, Kuzan, phrasing.”
-
“Kizaru.”
“Hmm?”
“Did… did it just break that wooden beam in half?”
“Yes. Yes it did.”
“I’m starting to understand how it managed to break out.”
“Hmm.”
Needless to say, they had to fix the crib with a multitude of duct tape, metal poles and a baby monitor. They also had to cheek the kid’s arms to see if he had gotten any splinters in his arms. Luckily, he didn’t.
“Are babies usually able to break wooden bars in half?” Kuzan asked.
Kizaru shrugged. “I don’t know. Never happened with my little brother. Although…”
“Although?”
“My mother said I used to break a lot of things when I was a baby and was never hurt by it.” Kizaru said.
“Okay. All right. So maybe this is normal.” Kuzan wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince with that statement.
“Maybe I should call her up and ask her.”
“Please. We need to know how to deal with this. I don’t want Garp to come home and scream at us because his house is broken.”
“Fair enough.”
-
“Turns out, the kid has haki.”
“Fuck.”
-
“Okay, so not only do people with strong haki manifest it when they’re younger- which means we have to deal with a super powered baby- but the baby also is smart enough to use it!”
“Are you going to be all right Kuzan?” Kizaru asked, almost sounding concerned as he watched his co-worker pace back and forth for the third hour in a row. “How long is it going to take for you to come to terms with it?”
“We’ve been left alone for two weeks with a super powered baby that we have to take care of! Not to mention it’s our superior officer’s kid! If he dies then we could get fired or worst, be murdered by Garp the Fist.”
From his place on the couch, the baby clapped in apparent glee.
Kuzan whipped around to look at it. “It’s laughing at me.”
“No. It’s not laughing at you.” It would have been more believable if Kizaru wasn’t audibly cracking up.
Kuzan let out a long breath, shoulders slumping as all of his energy seemed to be seeped from him. “I need a nap.”
“You always need a nap.” Kizaru pointed out.
Kuzan ignored him. “Wake me up in an hour. Or don’t. don’t would be preferable.”
-
“He’s teething.”
“He’s what?”
“His teeth are growing in.”
“How the hell did you figure that out?”
“Well, he just bit me.”
“Oh. That sucks.”
“Yes, it was actually rather painful. He’s growing up to be quite a bit like his dad.”
“Oh god no.”
“Hmm?”
“Just imagine it, two Garps.”
“Ah. That is a rather terrifying thought.”
-
They had a system worked out.
When Kizaru needed to smoke, he woke Kuzan up and then left for the beach in order to not let the baby inhale anything bad. In the mean time, Kuzan would look over the kid, sitting down with it and trying to read it a picture book. It was actually kind of fun to see the kid’s reactions to certain images and stories.
When Kizaru returned, he’d take over and do the general upkeep of the kid. Feeding him, changing his dipper, and rocking him to sleep. Allowing for Kuzan to go back to napping. From there, they’d switch whoever would get up to deal with the kid when it woke up.
If it hadn’t left Kuzan so exhausted, he actually would have found it kinda relaxing.
He heard the sound of snapping metal behind him and he let out a heavy sigh.
Never mind.
“Kizaru, he broke the crib again!”
“I’ll get out the duct tape.”
-
Kuzan slowly opened his eyes, blinking blearily as the image in front of him came into focus.
He blinked again.
Dark eyes stared right at him, like a candle in complete darkness.
The baby was out of his crib again. He was out of his crib and sitting right on his chest.
“Hey little guy.” Kuzan waved, unsure of what else to do. “Need something?”
“Baba.”
“Right, okay, let’s get you some milk.”
Thirty minutes later, Kizaru walked into the kitchen, yawning tiredly. He stopped once he realized that there were two other people already in there. He smiled at the sight of his co-worker trying to figure out how to rock the baby to sleep.
“You have to hold his head.”
Kuzan frowned at him, but still adjusted his hold on the kid.
“Just two more days.” Kizaru reminded.
“Thank god. I think I’m about to keel over from exhaustion.”
“You’ve gotten eleven hours of sleep a day.” Kizaru pointed out.
“I need a minimum of fifteen.”
Kizaru rolled his eyes, continuing his quest to get a midnight snack.
“Milk!”
Both men froze.
Then Kuzan blinked, staring down at the baby who was reaching up at him with small hands.
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“I mean it is Garp’s kid, it wouldn’t be that surprising.”
“You have got to be fucking kidding me.”
“It only knows a couple of words so it’s not like it can do a lot with it…”
“We’re fucked.”
“Oh very.”
Neither of them were equipped to deal with a baby that had conquerors haki of all things.
-
Monkey D Garp came home to a mostly clean home. He observed the entrance hall and stopped to listen for any sort of noise. It was silent.
He took a step into the living room and instantly burst out laughing. On one end of the couch, a passed out Kuzan snored softly from where he was draped on the arm rest. On the other end of the couch, Kizaru was casually flipping through a newspaper. Apparently he hadn’t noticed that it was both upside down and it was over a year old at that point.
In the middle of the couch, sat on Monkey D Dragon, flipping through his own picture book as if to mimic Kizaru’s actions.
“Glad to see you two are both alive.” Kizaru and Kuzan both looked up.
“You’re home.” Kuzan noted.
“Welcome back.” Kizaru greeted with a nod, slowly standing up.
Dragon babbled at him happily and Garp melted, swooping down to pick his son up in his arms. “Did you have a good time my boy?!”
His son stared at him with a blank expression, even as he continued to babble.
“Well, he is alive.” Garp hummed. “So I guess he is happy.”
He turned to his two subordinates and gave them a once over.
“Good job you two. I’ll compensate you later.”
“Thank you sir.” They both saluted.
“Now,” Garp patted his son on the head, “get out of my house.”
Both immediately dashed out of the house, almost like they were scared to hang around for any second more.
“Huh. What’s up with them?” Garp asked, before shrugging and turning his attention back to his son. “Well, they didn’t seem to hurt you at all so I guess I’ll have to pay them double. Now, let’s get you to sleep. You look tired.”
Then he walked into his son’s room.
“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE CRIB?!”