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“NO !”
Eddie’s heart just… drops. He’s in a haze as he goes to reach for Buck, and sees him just laid there on the ground, motionless. It’s awfully familiar, especially for Buck. It’s a sight he never wanted to witness again though, something he begged to not happen to him.
He doesn’t know what he does afterwards, it’s pure autopilot. When he blinks back to his body, Buck’s on a stretcher and he doesn’t even have a pulse.
Bobby pushes him to the ambulance as Chim desperately keeps working on Buck. Saying things Eddie doesn’t even hear over the buzzing in his ears.
He can’t die. This can’t just be it for Buck. He can’t go now, he’s too young. He’s not lived enough. It’s not fair.
It’s not fucking fair.
Eddie sobs, covering his mouth with his hand. It’s not fair.
***
Buck wakes up in a weird place. It’s a garden, but everything feels so light. He doesn’t have any clue how he ended up here. His body doesn’t hurt but he doesn’t feel connected to it the way he normally does, if that makes any sense.
“Congrats bozo, you got hit by a car.” Buck hears behind him and he startles greatly as he takes in the woman that just spoke.
“Oh shit, you scared the hell out of me, Shannon.” Buck breathes, a hand clutching his wildly beating heart before he realizes what he just said. “Wait oh my god am I dead ?”
“Not yet.” She says and he can’t stop staring at her. She looks so much like Christopher it’s uncanny.
“When you say that it sounds like you’re going to kill me.” Buck says anxiously. What if she knows about the tsunami ? Or worse that he’s harbored secret feeling for her husband for years, even before she even came back ?
Although it’s not like he actively tried anything with Eddie so she can’t blame him for them. Right ?
“I might still.” She replies with a hard glare. “I’m so mad at you right now.”
“Okay but where am I ?” Because he’s pretty sure she’s dead. Saw her body and all, attended her funeral, had to force food into Eddie for three days after her passing away.
“You’re in-between right now. We figured I would be the best to talk to you.” She sits down next to him.
We ? Who’s we ?
“Talk to me ? About what ?”
“About why you need to live.”
“Shannon it’s not like I’m actively trying to die right now. I don’t have any control in this.” He laughs nervously. He remembers a little better now. He ran after the patient on that stupid bike and then the car just… didn’t stop. Eddie shouted something and then nothing. He must have gotten pretty hurt to be able to see a dead woman, worst of all his best friend’s dead wife.
“You do though. You’re not trying to die but you’re trying to live either, Buck, because if you were convinced of your need to survive, you wouldn’t be here.”
“I don’t want to die !” He exclaims loudly and she purses her lips. He doesn’t. He’s never wanted to.
Maybe a few times he’s given up, or he’s almost given up but he never wanted to. He never went into a situation thinking he wished to die and that certainly wasn’t the case tonight.
“Yeah but not enough.” She snaps, voice raising. “You live your life in this limbo between life and death, always waiting for someone to make the decisions for you. You fight so hard for everyone except yourself. You never fight for yourself, you wait.”
“That’s not fair.” He murmurs, because he really doesn’t want to die.
He’s been reckless sure, he’s been accident-prone so he could get his parents’ attention and then he started risking his life to save others’ because he figured out he could. That there was something he could do to make himself useful.
After Daniel, he’s been in therapy. He knows he’s not expandable, as Eddie put it, he knows his life has worth and that the people in it want to see him live. He’s been better about his safety, he’s been less impulsive. He’s tried his best to be safe for Chris.
“No you know what’s not fair, Evan ? It’s our son who’s already lost me, and who loves you, who admires you, who relies on you, possibly losing you tonight. It’s Eddie, who loves you so much, who would completely lose it if you died, crying for you to wake up right now, to live, to fight. You can’t leave him, Evan, he’s finally happy for the first time in his life.”
“That’s not— he was happy with you.”
Eddie loved Shannon, she was his wife, of course he was happy with his wife. Buck’s just the best friend.
“He wasn’t.” She says, eyes softening. “We were terrible for each other, we never loved each other properly and I know for damn sure he never would have picked me to carry his child and become his co-parent. I wouldn’t have picked him either. He picked you though. Over and over again, he picks you. He loves you, Buck, you can’t leave him.”
“Shannon—”
He can’t deal with that, he can’t just let Eddie’s dead wife, Christopher’s mother, tell him about Eddie’s secret feelings. It all sounds so fucking ridiculous he wonders if he didn’t eat another LSD brownie and fell into a crazy hallucination. Maybe he’s already dead and this is his hell. Although, it looks less torturous than he expected, he’ll admit that.
“I don’t know for sure if it’s romantic or not, but it doesn’t matter if he’s in love. What matters is that he loves you more than anyone that isn’t Chris. You’re his entire world, Buck. You’re everything to the both of them. You have to fight for them, because they deserve that much.”
He stays silent. They do deserve that much. There’s nothing his Diaz boys don’t deserve.
“Look, I know it’s weird for you because you don’t know me that well but I’ve been watching over you for years, and god, Buck, you’re my family, you’re basically my kid’s parent.” She grabs his hand. “You have no idea how grateful I am for you, for loving our son, for saving him, for saving Eddie. Trust me when I say this, it’s not your time. Fight for them the way you always have. Don’t give up on yourself just because you’re the one being hurt this time.”
“Will I remember this ?” He asks, clearing his throat to keep the tears at bay.
“No, honey, you won’t.”
“I wish I could tell Chris I saw you.” Christopher has missed his mother so much, it hurts Buck to think that he had to lose her at such a young age. He deserved so much better.
A tear slips down her cheek. “I know. I wish too. I wish he could know how proud I am of him, how much I love him and miss him.”
“He misses you too.” He hugs her tightly. “I love you too by the way, thank you for making the most awesome kid on earth.”
She cups his cheek, eyes swimming with tears. “Be safe, take care of them, but take care of you too. I do not want to see you again before you’re at least 70, Buck or I swear I’ll make the afterlife hell for you.”
He doesn’t doubt that, that woman is fiery. He understands why Eddie always said they argued more than they talked, she’s the stubborn type too.
“Bye Shannon.”
He closes his eyes and suddenly, he feels a lot of pain, but he also hears people around him, and the blaring sirens of the ambulance.
“He’s back !” It’s Chimney’s triumphant shout. “BP 68 over 50. Oh it’s coming back up.”
“72 over 55. Buck can you hear us ? Buck ?” Hen asks, and Buck tries his hardest to open his eyes but he’s weak and in so much pain.
He’s suddenly more aware of his body as his blood pressure climbs high. He feels his hand being held tightly between two familiar hands that he’d recognize anywhere. Eddie.
“‘ddie.” He’s able to murmur using most of his strength.
“I’m here, I’m right here Buck.” Eddie’s voice sounds absolutely wrecked, like he’s been screaming and sobbing and it breaks Buck’s barely recovered heart in two. “You’re going to be just fine.”
“‘ddie.” He repeats, wishing he could say more, offer his own reassurances, take his pain away. He never wants to hear Eddie cry again.
“I’m right here.” Eddie repeats and Buck feels one of his hands travel up to his face to lightly brush against his cheek. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“So’y.”
“I know. Don’t be it’s not your fault.” Eddie says gently, voice shutting down half-way through.
“Buck, can you wiggle your toes for me ?” Hen asks.
Buck grunts but does it anyways, because she praises him for it so he counts it as a huge win.
“Can you open your eyes ?”
He groans this time, and tries, but the lights are really assaulting his poor aching head. He still manages to squint them open and he sees her hovering over him, smiling lightly with big tear tracks on her cheeks.
“That’s great, Buckaroo. You’re doing amazing. We’re almost there, okay, so try and keep awake.”
“Mmh ‘kay. Eddie ?”
“Still here.”
“You ‘kay ?“
Eddie laughs then. “Dumbass. You died and you ask if I’m okay ?”
“Cryin’.” Because Buck hates it when Eddie cries. It doesn’t happen often but every time, it feels like someone’s just threw an axe at his heart and kept hitting it over and over again until he bled right out.
“Yeah I’m crying, sorry, I thought you were going to die.” Eddie says, tone humorous.
“She told me to fight.” Buck murmurs, remembering Shannon’s comforting embrace.
“Who ?”
He passes out right after that.
***
“Eddie, just calm down.” Bobby says right after the stretcher is gone into the hospital, Buck with it.
“Just calm down ?” Eddie repeats hysterically. “Bobby, Buck got hit by a car ! I mean what the fuck ? Why does this keep happening ? Am I cursed ? Does anyone I love just get hit by cars ? Is this a curse ?”
If this is the case, Eddie needs to send his high school best friend a warning note that he may die by vehicular manslaughter.
It’s ridiculous. He’s really starting to believe in the universe. God Buck would be smug if he could hear his train of thought. Eddie believes in the universe and he also believes wholeheartedly that it despises him. How else could he explain the never-ending trauma he’s been put through ?
“I thought you didn’t believe in curses.” Hen says not unkindly. “Look, it’s not like he’s going to die. I mean it’s Buck so we never know, but he wasn’t that badly off after we resuscitated him.”
“What reassuring words.” Eddie sighs, trying to fight comfort in rationality and what he knows about medicine. She is right, his vitals were good when they rolled him in. His breaths become less shallow and he manages to swallow past the knot in his throat. Yeah, it’s going to be fine. It has to be.
***
“Hey.” Chimney tells Eddie as he sits down next to him.
“How’s Maddie ?”
“She’s fine, coming here as soon as she drops Jee off with Albert.” Chimney says, nodding. “You know, you gave me good advice a few years ago.” Chimney pauses and Eddie knows which advice he’s talking about. “Tomorrow’s not promised, I think today’s proved that. You should tell him.”
Eddie’s so tired, and he’s already been through the emotional wringer tonight. He’s tired, he’s dirty, he’s completely worn out.
“Chim…”
“Look, what’s the worst case scenario ? He doesn’t love you back, you stay best friends, you have to move on. Is that so different from now ?” Chimney asks and Eddie sighs.
He doesn’t know when he fell in love, or how. It just happened. Buck went from an annoying coworker to a friend to his best friend to the love of his life and his family. It was fast too, so fast it took him years to catch up and realize he was what Eddie wanted and needed. That only Buck could ever make him happy like he did and that no one could ever fill his shoes.
One day, Eddie woke up and he was in love with his best friend. Then four years later, he went to therapy and actually realized it.
“But what if our friendship changes ?”
They’re finally back on track and it’s been such a ride. They’ve been through a lot and now they’re good again, that they’re back to their former glory of a friendship because god it is a glorious friendship, he can’t put that in jeopardy. Not when Buck is the second most important person in his son’s life.
“Buck loves you far too much to ever let it change.” Chimney says reassuringly. “I can’t speak for him, but I know for sure you and Chris are the two most important people in his life, and he would never let unrequited feelings change that. Not when you matter this much to him.”
“You think it’s unrequited ?” Eddie asks, heart in his throat.
“No. I never said that. I’m 99,9 percent sure it’s very requited, but, on the off-chance that I’m wrong since I still haven’t acquired mind reading abilities, you should still tell him.” Chimney smiles and a knot loosens in Eddie’s chest as he nods. “Buck’s spent a long time thinking he’s not loved, he deserves to hear it.”
He does. He really does. If one person deserves to be told how loved he is, it’s Buck and Buck almost died without knowing it.
“Couldn’t have said it better.” Hen says from the other side of the waiting room, lifting her head up with an encouraging smile. “Tell him, Eddie.”
“Yeah I’d really like it if the UST got resolved.” Ravi pipes up from his seat.
“UST ?” Bobby frowns.
“Unresolved sexual tension.” Ravi provides without even looking up from his phone and Eddie’s cheeks warm at the implications. Bobby’s lips twitch violently like he’s trying to swallow in his laughter.
“Family of Evan Buckley ?”
Eddie rises from his seat.
***
Buck comes back to reality feeling like absolute shit. His mouth is dry, his chest hurts, his head is throbbing, his throat is in flames, it’s really not a good day for him.
He tries clearing his throat but it only worsens the pain.
“Here have some water.” Eddie gently suggests, and Buck doesn’t open his eyes, just his mouth, and trusts Eddie to give him the water, which he does. “You good ?” He asks, and the concern just bleeds out of his tone, like always.
Buck can’t help but smile as he whispers a small yes.
“How long was I out ?”
“2 hours. Everyone’s here by the way they just went out to talk because the nurses thought we were too loud.” Eddie snorts and Buck laughs along — weakly. “I mean it sure isn’t every day that you try to fit ten people in the same hospital room.”
Buck winces, because he knows how loud they all get when they’re together and his heart warms at the thought of the entire family being there for him.
“You managed to negotiate to stay ?” He asks instead and cracks one eye open as Eddie comes in focus, still wearing his uniform.
“Yeah. Something like that.” Eddie says, a little mysteriously. “I… I needed to talk to you.”
A weight settling in his heart, Buck shakes his head. “I’m really sorry about today, it was an accident I promise I was—"
“Hey, Buck, calm down.” Eddie soothes, putting one hand on Buck’s arm. “I’m not here to scold you, you’ve done some pretty dumb things in your time but you didn’t ask to get ran over.”
Buck nods, relaxing.
Eddie opens his mouth, closes it then chuckles, pinching the bridge of his nose. “This is ridiculous. I— God.” Eddie huffs and seems to be looking everywhere but at Buck and he’s filled with panic at the thought of Eddie telling him he’s not in the will anymore, or maybe that they can’t be friends anymore or— “I’m in love with you.”
What ?
“What ?”
“I’m in love with you.” Eddie breathes out, cheeks flushed, finally looking back at Buck.
“Oh.” Oh.
“Buck—”
“Just gimme a minute.” Buck snaps back without any bite, holding his hand up. “You— Really ?”
Eddie nods, biting his beautiful pink lips and Buck wants to kiss them so bad—
“Buck if you’re uncomf—”
Buck shushes him like a child, hand still up in the air. “Let me process this for a second, dumbass. My brain has been banged up pretty badly, I’m slow today.”
“And yet you call me a dumbass.” Eddie mumbles under his breath, making Buck laugh.
“I love you.” Buck admits once he’s stopped laughing.
“Evan…”
“I love you, Eddie. I love you.”
Eddie’s eyes widen and he nods frantically wiping a few tears away as he leans down, takes Buck’s face roughly between the palms of his hands and kisses him softly.
The calloused pads of his fingers are such a hard contrast with the silky feeling of his lips, although a very grounding one. Eddie kisses him slowly before releasing him and leaning back on his chair, using his fingers to brush through Buck’s hair.
“That— That was really good.” Buck stammers, his heart racing. “Is this a morphine dream that I’m gonna wake up from and we’ll still only be friends ?”
“Nope. All real.” Eddie smirks, his hand sliding down Buck’s neck and arm until he reaches his hand and entangles them together, leaving a trail of goosebumps.
“You really love me ?” Buck whispers in awe and Eddie nods, bringing their joined hands to his lips to kiss Buck’s knuckles.
“I really really love you.” Eddie says before huffing out a laugh. “How is this a surprise to you, literally the entirety of Los Angeles knows about my pathetic pining.”
“Uh, all of Los Angeles knows about my pathetic pining.” Buck shoots back because hello, is there a soul out there who doesn’t know he’s in love with his best friend ?
“We’re idiots.” Eddie concludes with his lips pressed tightly shut together and Buck has to agree. “Chim basically had to lecture me to tell you.”
“Yeah he tends to do that.” Buck winces in sympathy, inwardly reminding himself that he needs to thank him for his for-once welcomed meddling. “Hey, you know what’s weird ?”
“What ?”
“I think I talked to someone when I was dead. I just can’t remember who.” Buck says, frowning as he keeps remembering a vague embrace. A warmth.
Eddie tilts his head. “Huh. You did say something in the ambulance about a woman telling you to fight.”
“Who’d you think it was, a guardian angel ?”
“Maybe.” Eddie shrugs. “You know I don’t believe in that stuff.” There’s something troubled in his eyes when he says that but Buck doesn’t press further yet. If it’s any important, Eddie will tell him eventually.
“I like to believe in that stuff.” Buck says, grabbing Eddie’s hand. “I want to believe I’ll see everyone again when I die.”
“Let’s focus on keeping you alive.” Eddie kisses his knuckles, eyes shining with emotion. “Don’t go just yet.”
Buck smiles sadly, cupping Eddie’s cheek with his free hand. “I’ll always come back for you. You have no idea how much I would do for you, Eds, and that includes fighting death off.”
Eddie nods, sniffs and takes a shaky breath before kissing Buck again, just as chaste and gentle as the first time. “That’s good because I can’t live without you. I can’t do it if you’re not there.”
“Lucky for you, I’m still here, so c’mere.” Buck tugs him for another kiss. “Love you.” He mumbles before kissing him again, deeper, and finally getting to taste his tongue.
“Oh yikes.”
Buck groans into Eddie’s mouth and flashes Chimney the finger as the culprit cackles loudly in the hallway.