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When Yanfei was asked to help teach Shenhe how to acclimate to human society, she had expected it to be an easy, straightforward task. She had taught Xiao how to use a kamera, after all, and she doubted anything could have been more difficult than that. Plus, Ganyu would also be there — and together, the two of them made a full human!
As it turned out, though, one full human was nowhere near enough.
“Let’s begin with a sample scenario,” Ganyu said. “You’re waiting in line at Bubu Pharmacy when someone taps you on the shoulder. What do you do?”
Shenhe rubbed her chin in thought, then nodded. “Go for the throat.”
“Correct!” Xiao said, clapping.
“No!” Yanfei blinked in disbelief. “Absolutely not legal.”
Ganyu shook her head. “Shenhe, I can see how you would come to that conclusion…”
You can!? Yanfei thought.
“…but murder is frowned upon in the harbor, so please try to keep it to a minimum.”
“Ah.” A complex expression crossed Shenhe’s face. “Is once a week too much?”
Xiao grunted. “Too little, if you ask—“
His speech was cut off as Ganyu rolled up a newspaper and hit him over the head with it.
“Don’t be a bad influence in front of Yanfei.” She coughed, clearing her throat. “Anyway, yes — once a week should be fine.”
Yanfei’s eye twitched. “Ganyu… aren’t you supposed to a pacifist? A paragon of virtue amongst the adepti?”
“Is that what your father told you?” Xiao asked, raising an eyebrow. “Maybe nowadays, but back during the war she — can you please put it down, qilin?”
Ganyu lowered the newspaper roll.
“Cloud Retainer tells me that Ganyu has been nothing but good all her life,” Shenhe said.
“Exactly!” Ganyu grinned. “Now for the next question — what is the proper way to communicate with someone over long distances?”
“Carrier pigeon?”
“Very good!”
“No?” Yanfei furrowed her eyebrows. “What about the postal system?”
“The what?” Xiao asked.
“…The intercontinental network by which mail is transported across Teyvat?”
Xiao tilted his head. “A network of birds?”
“That’s so fascinating,” Ganyu said. “Maybe you can deliver mail as a side job, yaksha.”
“I would not use my true form for such a dull purpose, qilin.”
“Perhaps I should introduce the idea to Cloud Retainer,” Shenhe said.
“Seriously?” Yanfei asked. “Not even you know, Ganyu? You work for the government…”
“Well, at one point we did use messenger birds,” she said. “I guess that was a while ago, though.”
More like an era ago…
This was hopeless. Xiao was an adeptus with no knowledge of human society. Ganyu, despite being half-human and having lived in Liyue for over a millennia, was mentally a boomer. Even Shenhe, who was fully human and more or less the same age as Yanfei, was clueless…
…Am I the most modern person here?
What a terrifying thought.
“Anyway,” Ganyu said, “let’s break for lunch.”
She pulled a picnic basket from her adeptal sub-space and set it onto the table in front of them. Flipping it open, she pulled out four plates and set them before each person. For some strange reason, Xiao’s was about fifty-percent shorter in diameter.
“Why is my plate smaller?” he asked.
“You are a smaller person.”
“Yanfei’s is—“
“She is a growing young lady.”
With that, Ganyu began serving food onto everyone’s plates.
Sort of.
“Um, Ganyu?” Yanfei asked.
“Yes?”
“These are just flowers.”
Qingxin flowers, to be specific. Whole heaps of them, with bright white petals.
“Thank you for the food,” Shenhe said, before taking one and biting into a petal.
Ganyu tore off part of hers and began chewing. “You’re very welcome.”
“These are fresh,” Xiao said, stuffing a whole flower into his mouth. “Good harvest, qilin.”
Yanfei was shaking in her seat.
They’re insane. They’re all insane.
Yes, she had adeptal blood. Yes, she had, on occasion, suffered through eating those terrible things by her father’s insistence that they would help her grow strong.
But she had never enjoyed them!
She would never… ever consume them… willingly…
Insane.
“Oh, here’s another question for you,” Ganyu said, munching on her flower. “Who is the highest authority in Liyue Harbor?”
“Rex Lapis.”
“Correct!” Xiao said.
“No!” Yanfei pinched the bridge of her nose. “He’s dead now, remember?”
“But he is not actually dead,” Shenhe said.
“Well yes, but we have to pretend he is.”
“Why?”
“So he grows more confident in his acting skills,” Ganyu whispered.
“Ah, I see.” Shenhe touched a finger to her lips. “It follows to reason, then, that his authority was passed down onto his most trusted follower.”
“I’m not sure he had that kind of succession policy in place,” Yanfei said. “And besides, who would that even be?”
Ganyu and Xiao were staring daggers at each other.
“I’m older than you,” Ganyu said.
Xiao narrowed his eyes. “I have seniority over you.”
“I’m taller,” she said flatly.
“What does that have to do with—“
“It has everything to do with it! How can you lead Liyue if you can’t even reach the top she—“
Xiao tossed his miniature plate at her, which she caught and flung to the side.
“Oh, now you’ve done it,” she said, reaching down and taking off one of her shoes.
“Qilin, wait. Let’s talk this—“
“I won’t hesitate, bitch!”
As Ganyu swung, Xiao dashed through the air towards the other side of the table, and she began to chase him in a circle.
Shenhe leaned in and whispered. “I think she’s about to meet her weekly quota.”
Yanfei stuck a qingxin petal into her mouth, chewing sadly as she watched her sister-figure attempt first-degree murder of her brother-figure.
“Shenhe.”
“Yes, Yanfei?”
“Can you make me a promise?” she asked, holding out her pinky finger.
Shenhe wrapped her pinky around hers. “What is it?”
“Please do not murder anyone within the city.”
“Understood.” She nodded sagely. “I will lure them outside of city bounds beforehand.”
At those words, a single tear began to roll down Yanfei’s cheek.