Archive of Our Own ^beta

It turns out, when you don’t have a job or over twenty years of questions haunting you, you have a lot of free time. After his year in jail, Lee Dong Sik moved out of his family’s old house and into the house Nam Sang Bae had bought for them. Seeing as he legally couldn't work as a detective for two more years anyway, he figured it was a good time to have a little vacation. It didn’t take him long to move his belongings over to his new home, and he settled in nicely. He found he was able to fill his days easily and well. He checked in on his friends. He cooked nice meals for them. He went on morning runs around his new neighborhood. He spent a lot of time fishing in the serene lake by his house. And in all the moments in between, he thought of Han Joo Won. He wondered how his new job was going. He worried about whether he was eating well and getting enough rest. Apparently, he also talked about him. A lot.

‘Dong Sik, if you miss him so much, why don’t you go visit him then? It’s not like you have anything else to do.” Oh Ji Hwa gave no indication that she was joking, but Dong Sik thought it was probably a lost cause to tell her what he did with his free time. She would still have a good point at the end of his rant.

Oh Ji Hwa, Yoo Jae Yi, and him were finishing up having lunch together in Jae Yi’s restaurant. Jae Yi was in the middle of moving the restaurant to her new location, so the counters were in a bit of disarray, scattered with half-filled boxes and stacks of dishes.

Dong Sik tapped his fingers on the table. “He’s probably too busy for me to visit him. He’s doing important work helping people who need it.” He always felt strange whenever he thought about the mission Han Joo Won had taken up. A mixture of understandable pride and something more nebulous, like the feeling of looking at the ocean.

“Dong Sik, he won’t be too busy to see you. Trust me,” Jae Yi said, carrying over three teacups she’d scavenged from a stack on the counter. She poured out a little tea for each of them, and then sat back down at her spot. “Besides, if he gets a call for someone wandering around on a mountain, just go with him. I don’t think that anyone could say that was really breaching your probation.”

Ji Hwa gratefully picked up her tea, and then tilted her head as though seriously considering the laws surrounding Jae Yi’s suggestion. The corners of her mouth quirked up when Dong Sik looked pointedly at her. “I guess I’d allow it.” He smiled and shook his head at her. She reached across the table and shoved his shoulder lightly with her fingertips. “What are you worried about? He’s already proven he’ll go to hell and back for you. I’m sure he’d go to a restaurant or something, too.”

Jae Yi spoke under her breath, “Even though that’s also hell for him.”

Dong Sik took a sip of his tea, inclining his head at Jae Yi to indicate his appreciation. For the tea, not the joke. As he set it back on the table he said, “I think Han Joo Won may still feel guilty about, you know. His father, and arresting me. I don’t want to remind him of that guilt.”

Jae Yi reached across the table and put her warm hand on Dong Sik’s arm. “Big brother, you showing him everything is okay is the only way he’s going to get over all that.”

Dong Sik looked at her open face, and then over at Oh Ji Hwa.

“She has a point, of course.” Ji Hwa smiled conspiratorially at Jae Yi, who nodded back, “Why, thank you.”

Dong Sik rolled his eyes at them, and then gave a very audible sigh. “Okay, okay. I’ll text him and ask if I can visit.”

“Good. We’ve been needing a break from you.”

****

A week later, Dong Sik stood in a well lit hallway in a well lit apartment building, his hands behind his back as he rocked lightly on his feet. He hadn’t knocked yet; he was pretty sure he wouldn’t have to.

At exactly 12:30 pm, the door in front of him swung open and Han Joo Won stepped into the doorway. He didn’t say anything, so Dong Sik took the chance to look him carefully over. He stood gracefully in the early afternoon sun, his soft face softened still by the light at his back and by his gentle expression. A deep blue coat sat comfortably around his shoulders, over his crisp white button down. His dark hair was a little longer and a little messier than Lee had ever seen it, although he imagined it was not, in fact, messy, but carefully and painstakingly styled. He was getting sidetracked.

“Hello, Han Joo Won.”

“Hello, Lee Dong Sik.” Joo Won’s expression didn’t quite evolve into a smile, but his eyes were warm as they took their turn to roam gently over Dong Sik. Dong Sik felt an ease settle in him, and an accompanying surprise that this was all it took. To just be back near Han Joo Won, able to see him, to know he was safe. To know that Joo Won could see him too, and know the same. Dong Sik would be perfectly content to just stay here, in the hall and the doorway, until Joo Won had to go back to work. But he had a plan, and he supposed they should keep it.

“Ok, we don’t have all day. I hope you like japchae.” Dong Sik reached behind Joo Won to shuffle him out the door, his hand a few inches away from his back.

“I can’t remember the last time I had it.” Joo Won let himself be shooed forwards, and then turned back around to lock his door behind himself.

“There’s a place right across from your apartment that serves it, but I figured it was still a safe bet that you didn’t go there.” Dong Sik smirked at Joo Won’s back. Joo Won glanced over his shoulder at him, one eyebrow raised. “I actually went there just last week. I just didn’t get that dish.”

“Ah. You eat out a lot now?”

“Sometimes I like to try new foods. And besides, I’m very busy with work, so I don’t always have time to cook.” Joo Won turned around and faced Dong Sik, expectant.

Dong Sik graciously let himself rise to the bait. “I might not have a job, but I stay busy, you know.” Joo Won looked skeptically at him. “Do you now?” He took a step forward, into Dong Sik’s space. Dong Sik stayed where he was for a moment before letting himself be moved away from Joo Won’s door by the forward motion. He turned around and fell in step next to Joo Won as they made their way to the elevator. “Yep, I’m busier than you could imagine. Jae Yi is still moving all her things to the new place, so I’ve been helping her with that. I’ve learned to cook some excellent new dishes. And I’ve been doing quite a lot of fishing.” He happily launched into the rant he had almost given to Ji Hwa. As the elevator carried them downward, he held back a smile at the way Joo Won forgot to act incredulous and began to listen intently, a small smile resting easy on his own face.

When they got to the restaurant, Dong Sik ordered for both of them. He watched for a moment as Joo Won started eating without hesitation. This has been a good idea. He would have to remember to thank Ji Hwa and Jae Yi.

After they both finished eating, they went for a walk around the little park near Joo Won’s apartment. Young leaf buds were just starting to glint on the arching branches of the trees, and the sun had an encouraging warmth to it. They walked side by side as Joo Won talked a little about his cases, and a lot about the people he’d helped. Dong Sik offered his thoughts occasionally, but mostly he listened. He stole glances at Joo Won every now and then, checking the slope of his shoulders and the tilt of his mouth. He waited for him to bring up his guilt, to turn to him with some unneeded apology in his eyes, but he never did. Eventually, Dong Sik let the ease of the afternoon be just that.

When it was time to go, Dong Sik walked all the way back to Han Joo Won’s apartment door with him. He leaned against the wall as Joo Won pulled out his keys.

“We should do this again soon,” Dong Sik offered.

“Yes. We should. I had a nice time.”

Dong Sik smiled charmingly at him. “Of course you did, I’m excellent at picking places to eat.” Joo Won huffed at him, and he chuckled, pushing off the wall and turning to leave.

“Lee Dong Sik.”

He half turned back to face Joo Won. “Yeah? Did I forget something?”

“No, I… wait here.”

Then Dong Sik was alone in the hallway.

A few moments later, Joo Won reopened his door and stepped into the hall with something held carefully in his hands. A medium box wrapped in lavender paper. Without looking at Dong Sik, he spoke as though in a rush to get it all out. “You remember that woman I was telling you about? Who got lost in the town, and I helped her get back to her daughter?” Dong Sik nodded, his eyes on Joo Won’s face, Joo Won’s eyes on the box. “Well, she gave me a gift for helping her. It’s not really allowed, but I wasn’t technically on duty and she was very insistent.”

“I won’t tell, don’t worry,” Dong Sik jested at him lightly, wondering where this was going.

Han looked up. “No, that’s not - I want you to have this.” He held out the box.

“Oh. Joo Won-ah, I can’t take this. It’s yours.”

Joo Won shook his head. “I don’t need it, and you like tea more than I do.”

For some reason, Dong Sik felt a little speechless. He reached out and carefully took the box from Joo Won. His fingertips brushed against Joo Won's in the exchange.

“Good.” Joo Won looked relieved to see him holding the gift. He shifted on his feet, and then stepped backwards over his threshold, back into his apartment. “Until next time, Lee Dong Sik. Goodbye.”

“Uh. Goodbye.”

Joo Won quietly closed the door, leaving Dong Sik standing baffled in the hallway. He stared at his gift, and then at the door. The woman who had been lost in the city…that had been one of the first people Han had talked about helping. Had he been waiting to give this to Lee that whole time? Or did he just decide to? Had the woman been the one to wrap it? Or had… Lee let his eyes fall back down to the lavender wrapping, meticulously folded, perfectly creased, no tape in sight. Well. Hmm.

****
It turned out the gift was a set of four tea cups and a beautiful ceramic teapot. Dong Sik set it all out on his counter in his kitchen, so he could see it when he walked past. He didn’t wait a month to text Han Joo Won the next time. Now that he knew he could, he planned to see Joo Won as often as his schedule would allow it. They set up a time two weeks after their lunch meeting. For some reason, Han Joo Won suggested that he come to Dong Sik’s place. He said he’d never gotten the chance to go inside, and wanted to know what it was like.

“It’s certainly nicer than your old basement.” Joo Won stood in the center of his living room, turning in a little circle as he appreciatively took in the warm wood walls and generous windows. Dong Sik felt pleased, and even more grateful than he normally did for the kindness of Nam Sang Bae. He loved his new home, and it had been far past time for him to leave his childhood house, after everything. In a way, there was a kind of grief in these quiet rooms, but grief wasn’t something Lee Dong Sik had any hope of escaping, nor the need to.

“That house had more than a basement, you know,” Dong Sik pointed out. Joo Won turned around to face him, a small, fond smile tugging at his mouth. “Well, I didn’t live in that part.” Dong Sik scoffed lightheartedly at him, and then said, “Come on, there’s more to see.”

He led him into the kitchen, and only remembered the tea set was still on the counter when Joo Won’s eyes fell on it. Dong Sik let him blush for a moment, before saying, “You have another gift for me, don’t you?” He pointed at the cloth bag in Han Joo Won’s hand. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Joo Won seemed to have forgotten about it when he stepped into Dong Sik’s house. He blinked and then lifted his chin. “Yes, I do. It’s to help you with your busy work life.”

Dong Sik took the bag from Joo Won’s outstretched hand and looked curiously inside. He let out a loud laugh. “Hmm, yes, this should help me immensely.” Inside was an assortment of new fishing gear. Mostly replacement things, like a new spool of fishing line (he’d been needing more), but also some nice lures and a pretty little green kit box to put them in. He looked up at Joo Won, who was managing to look both proud and embarrassed at the same time, his chin still held high but his face a little flushed. Dong Sik found it incredibly endearing.

“Thank you, Joo Won-ah. It’s really great.” Joo Won’s eyes warmed, and he mumbled, “You’re welcome.” Dong Sik looked back in the bag, and then clapped his hands together, the bag swinging slightly. “Why don’t we go out to the porch and I’ll show you where I’ll keep this stuff?” Joo Won nodded and hummed his assent.

Dong Sik waved him out of the kitchen and brushed past him, leading him out back. He pressed his fingers around the straps hanging on his hand. He supposed this could be seen as a kind of house warming gift, of sorts. In a similar way that the tea set had been a kind of repurposing of something Joo Won probably wouldn’t use much anyway. In a similar way, as in, that wasn’t it at all. Dong Sik felt certain that Joo Won was giving him personalized gifts, for a personal reason. He just wasn’t quite sure yet what the reason was.

****

After that, they met almost every two weeks, usually on the weekend when Han Joo Won was more or less off work. Mostly Dong Sik made the drive to visit Joo Won, but sometimes Joo Won came to visit him. Out of the five times Dong Sik saw him after he first visited his house, he was given two more gifts. An alarmingly nice watch and cute little plant to put in his kitchen window (according to Joo Won’s instructions). He didn’t know what to make of it all, but he let Joo Won do as he would, and with each gift he felt something shift and squirm in him. Han Joo Won never brought up his time in jail or his father, so Dong Sik didn’t either.

Winter turned into spring proper, and Jae Yi finally finished moving all of her things out of her old restaurant. All of their friends came to have one last late night meal together there, even though they had to order take out because there were no dishes left to cook with. Han Joo Won and Jae Yi barely bickered with each other, both quieted by the bittersweetness of the evening.

When everyone else had said their goodnights and made their way home, Dong Sik paused for a moment with Jae Yi just outside the restaurant. Joo Won stood behind him, silently waiting. Dong Sik put his hand lightly on Jae Yi’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you, little sister. You more than deserve to start your own future.” She looked up at him, the same delicate and enduring strength she’d always had bright in her eyes. “Thank you. I’m looking forward to it. I think this is what my mother would want.” Dong Sik nodded at her. “I’m certain you’re right.” Jae Yi smiled warmly at him, and then peered over his shoulder at Joo Won, who shifted a little as though he was being caught out. “Goodnight, Han Joo Won. Thank you for coming.” She gave him a little nod, and he gave a small bow of his head back at her. She smiled again and patted Dong Sik on the arm, and then turned and went back inside, waving them off as she closed the door behind her.

Dong Sik turned around to face Joo Won, who was watching him carefully. Feeling sentimental, Dong Sik looped his arm around Joo Won’s. A bit to his surprise, Joo Won quietly let him lead him towards their cars. After a few moments, Joo Won spoke in a voice that was almost lost to the night. “Jae Yi, she knows a lot. About people.”

Dong Sik glanced over at Joo Won, curious. He offered, “She is wise beyond her years.” Joo Won hummed in agreement at that, then added softly, “She cares a lot about you. It’s…good.” Dong Sik felt touched at the earnestness in Joo Won’s voice. He wasn’t quite sure what to say in response, so he just pulled Joo Won’s arm tighter against him and let the cool night air settle pleasantly around them.

****

A week after that, the dinner they planned to have was disrupted when Han Joo Won got a call from his station an hour before they were meant to meet. He didn’t get off duty until late, a couple hours after dinner time. Dong Sik told him not to worry, they could just have a late dinner and drinks. To his delight, Joo Won agreed.

They both parked a little down the street from the restaurant, under a street light that illuminated its corner of the night with zeal. This was a little town in between their homes that they both found charming, and they liked to walk a bit whenever they met for meals. Dong Sik closed his car door and waited for Joo Won to get out of his. When he stepped out, his outfit was immaculate as usual, and he showed no signs that it had been a long day for him. Dong Sik smiled at him. “Hello, Han Joo Won.”

“Hello, Lee Dong Sik.” He peered at him for a second, and then turned back around towards his car. “Before we go, I have something for you.” At this point, Dong Sik wasn’t even surprised, but he felt his heart move in his chest nevertheless. Joo Won grabbed something from the passenger’s seat, and then leaned back out of his car, the gift held out in both of his hands. It was a jacket. A gorgeous one, a warm olive green, with heather blue on the inside lining and on the top side of the collar. It was waist length, and neatly cut, and seemed to be made out of a very nice fabric that Dong Sik was hardly qualified to name.

“I know it’s getting warmer, but I saw it the other day and I just thought of… I thought it would suit you.” Joo Won was getting bolder when he gave his gifts now, less bashful. But this was a big one.

Dong Sik reached out and took the jacket from Joo Won. It was soft in his hands. He pulled it on slowly, and tucked the collar down neatly, letting the fabric slip through his fingers. It fit him perfectly.

“Joo Won-ah. You didn’t have to get me this. I don’t need this.”

Joo Won raised his eyes up from taking in the jacket on Dong Sik. “I know you don’t need it, but I wanted to get it for you.” The streetlight above them cast his face in bright light and deep shadows, his eyes dark but glinting. Dong Sik wanted to reach out and pull him close, but before he could decide if he should, Joo Won reached out and set both his hands on his shoulders. Joo Won gazed at his face, and Dong Sik looked back. Ever so gently, Joo Won ran both his hands down Dong Sik’s arms, moving from his shoulders down to the cuffs of the jacket, as though smoothing out wrinkles only he would ever see. Then he let his hands slide down onto Dong Sik’s bare wrists. Dong Sik held his breath. Joo Won circled his long fingers around each of Dong Sik's wrists for a moment, his eyes now unfocused. Dong Sik held still and let him stay that way until he stirred himself, and looked up with eyes that, like the night, were a little too bright. “Lee Dong Sik,” he muttered, almost to himself.

“Joo Won-ah.” I’m here now. I’m with you. That was a gift too. One from me. He wasn’t sure what would help the most to say, so he settled on, “I love it.”

Joo Won furrowed his brow. “What?”

“The jacket. It’s perfect.”

“Oh. Yes. I’m glad it fits. It looks good on you.”

“Well, you have a good eye for style.” Joo Won’s hands were still on his wrists. He seemed to notice, and gently released Dong Sik. He looked sheepish for a moment, and then he wiped quickly at his eyes, letting out a breath. He straightened and seemed to return to himself a little. Dong Sik watched his normal, casual confidence return to the set of his shoulders and jaw. He was glad he was okay, but he felt he’d missed a moment, although he wasn’t quite sure what of. A moment to reassure Joo Won that he was alright, maybe. Instead, he lightly touched Joo Won’s arm to center them both, and then they started on their way to the restaurant, the lights thrown across the night mixing their shadows into an indistinguishable lattice.

They had an excellent meal, and then talked for hours, until the last server in the restaurant politely kicked them out. They walked slowly back towards their cars, their conversation lulling into a comfortable silence.

Dong Sik looked over at Han Joo Won. He’d been relatively animated at dinner, getting worked up about the call that he’d gotten earlier. Now he was almost perfectly still, besides the even fall of his feet on the pavement and the soft swing of his arms.

Dong Sik couldn’t look away. There was nothing about Joo Won that wasn’t intense. His quietness and stillness was a tsunami about to break over land, his anger was a bonfire spilling warmth into the night, his determination a sword he held up to the throat of the world. There was a time when the sharp attention of Han Joo Won was all Dong Sik could feel cutting through the haze of his grief. And now all he could feel was the petal-soft way Joo Won had brushed his hands down his arms. It was all the same. The coolness of metal cuffs, the warm circle of fingers.

It was an easy realization, when it came. In his new, nice, quiet life, he had plenty of things to do, but nothing better. Nothing better than this. Than letting himself be the tide and the moon at once, and Joo Won the moon and the tide.

He shifted his arms and shoulders and felt the soft warmth of his new jacket brush across his skin. Yet another gift. Another in a long line, even after Joo Won had shoved into his life and given him something no one else could have. Something he’d been searching for for two decades. He touched his fingers to the cuff of the sleeve, and let his mind touch on the live wire running through him. The question that he tried to ignore but found himself brushing up against again and again: Why?

***

The next time Dong Sik saw Joo Won, it was at the soft opening of Jae Yi’s new restaurant. Friends only. It was a lovely affair, a sunrise after a sunset. Everyone was very proud of her, and Dong Sik was pleased at how happy she seemed. Joo Won sat next to him the whole afternoon, leaning into his space to reach for more food when he ran out. He did bicker with Jae Yi this time, and Dong Sik laughed when he caught Jae Yi sticking her tongue out at him. Joo Won also caught it, as it was done directly to his face. He had no comeback.

Joo Won had to leave early to get back to work, and eventually everyone else trickled out, too. When it was finally just him, Ji Hwa, and Jae Yi, he turned and fixed them with a hard stare. “What is it?”

“What?” Ji Hwa asked innocently at the same time Jae Yi said, “Han Joo Won seemed very happy to be with you.”

Dong Sik looked at her with an eyebrow raised. Ji Hwa chimed in, her act over as quickly as it had started, “He was almost sweet tonight. That last night at the old place, too.”

Dong Sik stood up and grabbed their dishes, stacking them in his. He turned his back to the table and started towards the back counter. He tried to sound casual as he said, “Well. He has… been giving me gifts.”

This time they both said, “What?” in perfect unison.

“Not every time I see him, but…a lot. He gave me this jacket.” Dong Sik turned back to the table and held out his arms to show them. He just caught his friends exchanging looks with each other. He sat down heavily at his place and looked between them. “Yes?”

“I imagine you're wondering why?” Jae Yi had always been alarmingly perceptive.

“I mean, I have some guesses. He might still feel bad, and maybe he’s trying to apologize.”

Ji Hwa made a noise that sounded something like a strangled scoff, which Dong Sik did not dignify with an acknowledgement. Jae Yi said kindly, “That might be it. I think he feels things very deeply, and holds his feelings close to his chest.” Dong Sik was inclined to agree with the first part, although the second one he’d found to be only true sometimes, and certainly less and less. Jae Yi continued, her voice carefully diplomatic. “But, you know, Dong Sik, it might not be guilt he’s feeling anymore. He seems so comfortable around you, not worried or anything. I think you really have put those worries, that I’m sure he had at some point, to rest.”

Ji Hwa hummed in agreement, and then turned her gaze directly on Dong Sik. “Dong Sik. You know him. You know why he’s giving you the gifts.”

Dong Sik ran his hand through his hair and then let it fall to the table. He thought of their walk home under the streetlights, after Joo Won had given him the jacket. “I mean, but it can’t be, right? I know that we’ve been through a lot together. I know why I would… why I do…” He suddenly felt a swell of emotion and a wetness in his eyes. He let them fall closed at the same time he felt Jae Yi’s hand rest lightly on his on the table.

“Big brother.” He opened his eyes and looked up unsteadily at her sweet expression. “We love you.” She gestured at Ji Hwa, who nodded, and then around the whole room, at all their friends that had just been there celebrating with them. “So, why not Han Joo Won?”

Dong Sik had a feeling that someone who didn’t know Joo Won well, who didn’t love him, could have an extensive list ready to go with reasons why Han Joo Won couldn’t love anyone at all. But Dong Sik would have torn up that list from the moment he lay his eyes on him. He thought about how his own love hadn’t always had someone there to go to, and then he thought about how maybe that was true for Joo Won, too, before he came to Manyang.

He put his hand on top of Jae Yi’s and patted gently. She smiled and released his hand that rested on the table.

“You know, I always thought you’d make a great detective,” he said.

She grinned at him. “That’s nice.”

Ji Hwa laughed brightly. “So, this means you’ll talk to him?”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to him. It’s been too long since I got to do an interrogation.” He smiled at them both. “Sorry you both have to keep shoving me to do stuff I should really be doing on my own. I appreciate our talks.”

Jae Yi waved him off, and Ji Hwa laughed again. “Anytime, brother. Makes me feel like I’m young again.”

****

Dong Sik decided to invite Han Joo Won to his house again this time. He had him come over early enough that they could spend some time out by the lake, as the weather was perfect for it. The warm sun glinted off the cobalt water and the leaves tilted in the light breeze as Dong Sik tried to convince Joo Won that fishing was an enjoyable pastime. He thought he maybe made some headway; Joo Won at least seemed to have a nice time.

Eventually they made their way back up to the house, where Han Joo Won insisted on cooking dinner for them both. It was, of course, delicious. They ate in companionable silence, sat across from each other at Dong Sik’s little table by the window. As the sun neared the horizon outside, they moved on to sipping some evening tea out of Dong Sik’s tea set.

He wasn’t sure there was a subtle way to ask what he wanted to know, so he leaned back in his chair and tried his best. “Joo Won, have you thought about your father lately?”

Joo Won looked a little startled at the question. “I guess, I think about him sometimes. But…” He offered a small shrug. “He’s not my problem anymore.”

Dong Sik felt like Joo Won meant it, and he was immensely glad to hear it. He just had to double check, though. “You don’t still feel guilty yourself, about what he did? Or about, you know, arresting me?” He watched Joo Won carefully.

“Well, those are two different questions. Do you want me to feel guilty?”

“No! No, I very much do not.”

“I didn’t think so.” He moved his fingers lightly around his teacup. “So, I’ve tried not to be, tried to understand what happened in another way. And I think I do, now.” He looked up at Dong Sik. “You don’t need to worry.”

Dong Sik nodded, and then tilted his head in Joo Won’s direction. “So, you haven’t been giving me gifts out of guilt?”

“What? I…no. No.” He took a sip of his tea, as though trying to subtly end his part in the conversation.

Dong Sik wasn’t about to let him. He took a deep breath, tried not to think too hard, and then asked, “Have you been giving me gifts because you love me?”

Joo Won choked on his tea. He set the cup down and coughed with as much dignity as he could manage. When he’d recovered, he glared at Dong Sik and resolutely stated, “No.” Then, a little too haughtily to be convincing, he added, “And I haven’t been giving you that many gifts.”

Weirdly pleased that he’d gotten to him, Dong Sik nodded appeasingly, “No, no, I suppose it hasn’t been that many. Maybe I’m misremembering. Let’s see, there was the jacket. And the fishing gear, and this tea set, and you literally just made me dinner, which I guess isn’t technically a gift-”

“Ok!” Joo Won huffed out a breath. “I get it.” He turned his face away from Dong Sik, toward the window. The evening light brushed kindly across the soft curves of his face, and burnished his hair with an auburn glow. Dong Sik was hit belatedly with the weight of what he was doing. But he wanted to know, and either way it was too late to stop it. Joo Won was already speaking a quiet confession to the world outside the window. “I didn’t give you those things because I love you.”

Well, hardly a confession. To someone else, it would in fact be the opposite of one, but Dong Sik felt a warmth rush through him. Something about the way Joo Won let the ‘I love you’ stay, untouched, like gossamer in the air. But Joo Won was leading him down a different path, and he’d already decided to follow him wherever he went. So he focused on the more direct line of questioning.

“Why did you give them to me, then?”

Joo Won turned back to fully face Dong Sik. His face was surprisingly open and gentle, his dark eyes full of some unnamable emotion. After a long moment he spoke, but instead of an answer, he asked plainly, “Did you know that you're the first person in my life that hasn’t proven there’s an edge to their love for me?”

Dong Sik felt the unexpected question like ice down his back. He knew some things about Joo Won’s past, and there were other things he’d assumed. But he’d never let himself assume this. He felt a harsh flare of the defensive, performative anger that for so long had been a patina of his own sadness. He bit out, a little too roughly, “So, you've been bribing me to keep loving you?”

Joo Won had the audacity to respond with a small smile, almost as though charmed by the accusation. He shook his head once. “No, no, I know giving people things can’t make them love you. People have tried on me plenty.” He met Dong Sik’s eyes. “They are not bribes; they’re gifts.”

Dong Sik let himself be gentled out of his flush of dark emotions by Joo Won’s unbothered calm. In their conversations, there were usually precisely three feet on the ground at any given moment. He tried again. “Ok, what exactly are they for then?”

Joo Won shifted slightly, and one hand touched the sleeve of his other arm. But his face stayed open, and he kept his eyes locked on Dong Sik’s. Quietly and almost shyly, he answered, “They’re a - a thank you.”

Dong Sik tilted his head. “A thank you? What have I done to be thanked for? I drove you home that one time…” He looked at Joo Won watching him, and it occurred to him that he’d already been given the answer. Oh. Oh. “They aren’t gifts because you love me. They’re gifts because I love you.”

Joo Won looked away.

So that was it. Dong Sik felt overcome with a potent mixture of fondness and worry, combined in equal parts. “Han Joo Won.” Joo Won looked back at him. “Do you feel like you have to reward me for caring about you?”

Han shook his head again, but not in refutation. He just seemed a bit lost, as though he’d confidently led them to the end of one maze just to find it was the opening of another. He hummed and then said, “No one has really loved me before, Dong Sik. Not like you do.”
Dong Sik was startled by the statement. Not at its veracity, but that Joo Won knew it to be true, that he was willing to say it out loud. Joo Won had started using the word love as though Dong Sik had only had to hand it to him once, and then he was happy to hold it, reverently, in his own hands.

Joo Won continued on after a moment of thought. “I guess I don’t really know the nature of the thank you. But they’re really not bribes, because I trust you to… I trust our connection. That it’s real.” Joo Won closed his eyes. Dong Sik felt something still and settle in him that he hadn’t realized had been in motion. He kept watching Joo Won’s face as he spoke with his eyes pressed shut. “Sometimes I think I understand you more than I understand myself.”

Dong Sik had had enough of the distance between them. “Joo Won-ah. Can I touch you?”

Joo Won opened his eyes, and after a moment, inclined his head in a nod.

With a feeling of relief, Dong Sik lay his hand on Joo Won’s wrist on the table, his fingers wrapping slightly around it. He took another breath, and then quietly spoke. “I hope… that you are treated better by the people in your future than you were by the people in your past.”

Without hesitation, Joo Won assured him, “I already am.” Dong Sik thought of their friends with more gratitude than he ever had, and that was saying something. “Good. I’m glad.” He squeezed his hand lightly around Joo Won's wrist for a moment. “I just don't want you to think that me loving you is exceptional, to the point of needing a prize. You’re the exceptional part. Everyone should love you.”

Joo Won looked up with a teasing challenge in his eyes. Dong Sik reached out with his free hand and lightly grasped his chin, tilting his face a little side to side before letting go. They smiled at each other.

Dong Sik used the moment to get out the question that was responsible for the worry heavy in his veins. “So, you don’t think it’s because you feel like you don’t deserve kindness that’s given to you for free?”

Joo Won contemplated for a moment. “No, I don’t think so. At least I don’t feel like I think of myself that way.” His face clouded. “But I certainly have had to prove myself worthy of love before, to no great reward.”

Dong Sik slid his hand down to cover Joo Won’s. The movement seemed to pull Joo Won back to the present. He looked back up at Dong Sik, and said, “But I don’t feel like that with you.”

The fondness was taking over an alarming portion of Dong Sik's heart at this point. “Joo Won-ah.” He smiled gently at him. “So. You’re rewarding my kindness to you. But not because you feel like you haven’t earned it otherwise.”

Joo Won spoke, “Your kindness and your attention and your care. Your conversation. All of it. I guess I just… appreciate it. A lot. And I want to show you that appreciation. But I don’t really know how. I’ve never had to learn.” He flushed slightly with the sincerity, but his voice did not falter. Dong Sik felt warmth rise to his own cheeks. A little voice murmured somewhere inside him that in some ways, he’d never had to learn how to deal with this kind of regard either. But despite that thought, he finally felt like he had two feet back on the ground. Regarding Han Joo Won, this was familiar territory. His Joo Won, so incapable of processing and expressing mundane levels of emotion that it drove him to extreme levels of guilt and dedication and, apparently, sweetness. He should have known it wouldn’t be a straightforward answer to Joo Won. But Dong Sik didn’t need it to be.

He took Joo Won’s hand in both of his. Joo Won looked at him, a question in his eyes. Dong Sik was happy to give him an answer. “I think that maybe returning kindness with favors, and affection with fondness, and care with appreciation, that’s how we build things.” How we build relationships, but he didn’t want to spook Joo Won more than necessary with a weighted word. “And you and I, we’ve built a lot, through it all. We’ve given each other a lot. You gave me peace for the first time in my life. And I gave you love. And then you gave me a lovely jacket.” Dong Sik moved his thumb over the back of Joo Won’s hand. “However you feel, however you show me, just show me. I want whatever you give me.”

He hoped that was enough, that Joo Won would understand. He thought he would. He watched Joo Won watch him as the sun filled the room with the last of its light, as warm as Joo Won’s hand in his, and knew he would never quite be able to look away.

Joo Won’s eyes glistened. He mumbled gruffly, “I hardly brought you peace. I arrested you.”

Dong Sik was surprised into a laugh. “Yes, and I had a peaceful year in prison.”

Joo Won scowled at him, and tugged his hand out from Dong Sik’s. He felt concern prickle at him for a moment, but it vanished instantly as Joo Won reached out with his freed hand to grasp the side of Dong Sik’s upper arm. He had to lean slightly forward to reach. When he spoke, his voice was quiet with sincerity. “Thank you, Dong Sik-ah. For this, and for everything.” He raised an eyebrow. “If you were going to force the subject, I’m glad you did so kindly.”

Dong Sik inclined his head. “You're welcome.” They paused for a moment, Joo Won’s hand on his arm, his heart full to the brim. Then Dong Sik let his soft smile lilt into a teasing grin. “I’m also glad I asked about the gifts. Even if we did end up where we started.”

“Where did we start?” Joo Won asked warily.

“That you’re giving them to me because you love me.”

“We started with you asking if I’m still feeling guilty. And, I didn’t say that!”

“No, I guess you didn’t. But I did.”

Joo Won rolled his eyes. “How do I show someone when I am feeling the opposite of appreciation?”

Dong Sik grinned cheerily. “Oh, you don’t need any help with that one.” Joo Won shoved his arm without letting go, and Dong Sik suddenly remembered something. “By the way, you know Oh Ji Hwa and Yoo Jae Yi care about you, too. You didn't feel like you needed to give them gifts?”

Joo Won blushed.

“Oh my god. What did you give them?”

Joo Won muttered into the air besides Dong Sik, “A leather jacket and a knife set.”

“Oh my god.” Joo Won was going to be his reason for living, right up until he was the reason for his death. Cardiac arrest. He thought he ought to get some preemptive revenge. “You know, if you did want to learn other, less material ways to show people appreciation, I can help with that. And I think maybe you should, you’re not rich anymore.”

Joo Won inclined his head. “How about I just stop giving you gifts? Will that work?”

Dong Sik ignored his intentional obstinacy. He hummed as though deep in thought, and then offered, “How about we go on dates, once a week? And we talk about our days, and I can show you all the ways you can care about someone? And in return, I get to see your pretty face.” He smirked up at Joo Won, feeling his heart beat a little harder than normal. In for a penny and all that.

Joo Won looked stunned, his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide. Dong Sik worried for a moment he’d gone too far, despite it all. But he waited patiently.

Joo Won slowly closed his mouth. All at once he smiled, a beautiful act that lit up his face, and then he laughed, a beautiful act that lit up every nerve in Dong Sik’s body. He clicked his tongue and chided, “You’re going to be unbearable, aren’t you?”

Dong Sik reached over and lifted Joo Won’s hand from where it still rested on his arm. He raised their hands together and bent his head down to lightly kiss Joo Won’s knuckles. He grinned happily. “No more than usual.”