Chapter Text
It was quiet as Harry creaked the door open.
"Um.. professor?" Harry stepped foot into the room. Uneasyness creeping into his bones.
"Ah! Potter, please, take a seat."
Harry stepped toward her, not liking the smile on her face.
"So.. I was wondering.. why, am i.. here? Did I do something?"
The room was silent as umbridge stood up. Harry gripping the the arms of the chair as she walked around her desk. Pulling something out of her pocket.
"Professor?" Harry had asked with concern and question in his voice while his heart began to race.
Umbridge stood infront of him. Putting something on the desk.
With a closer look, Harry had noticed it was.. well, it was a perfume bottle and a hair brush. He had looked back to umbridge, only to be met with her face close to his.
"Kids these days, always into trouble.." she put her hand on Harry's face, trailing it down slowly "..always having sex. You must know well. You have plenty of female friends, potter. Or.. we are going to get close, aren't we? Harry."
Harry was startled as his teacher began to touch him, he tried to jump back - only to be met with her keeping him up with a flick of her wand.
She continued to look at him as she locked the door.
"I'll!-" before Harry could finished his sentence - he was cut off but umbridge putting a hand over his mouth.
"Ah ah ah! Harry dear, you wouldn't want this to happen to some other kid? Would you? But.. truthfully.. your body.. is grown, you act grown. So, am I really doing anything wrong? It's not like any other person would care if they knew.. even if they did, the only thing they would care about is joining in."
She sighed.
Harry was shaking, she had taken her hand off his mouth - but he still felt like he couldnt breathe.
Why would people believe him? She could blame him, say he enchanted her.
People wouldn't care. Would they?
She had taken his robe off.
He didn't want this, he knew that other kids- ..wouldn't want this either.
So, he endured it.
—
"Harry, bloodly hell mate! You look terrible" Ron had caught up to him while he was walking to breakfast. Startling him out of his thoughts.
"Thanks ron." Harry just speed up, walking past the dining hall and towards the showers.
Sure, Harry felt bad just ignoring and being rude to his friend like that - but he had to get her touch off of him.
Quickly rounding the corner into the showers - Harry stripped and entered the shower. Immediately grabbing a scrubber and rubbing his bar of soap into it.
He had scrubbed his whole body until he had bled. Her voice ringing through his ears as phantom touch started to carcasses his body.
He had been debating on who to tell. If he even told anyone. Her words struck him, people hadn't cared enough to do anything about his home situation, why would this be any different? It wasn't even terrible. He could handle it. Of course he only did because he wouldn't want it to happen to.. kids.
Harry didn't noticed the pink stained water as he had opened a nasty scab. The pink tinted water quickly became red tinted water as he sighed.
He didn't know exactly how long he had been in here, but surely people were getting to their first classes. He knew he should either go to the hospital ward or just let it bleed until it stopped.
He did have some bandages in his robe, so it just needed to slow down.
His schedule had changed and he had snape his second class.
So, Harry decided to up and skip his classes for the day. Nobody should notice too much.. well.. she might, but.. he really didn't want detention, he couldn't bear the thought of that happening to anoth-.. to a kid. An innocent kid who wouldn't deserve that.
He sat down in the shower, slowly and gently but progressively more hard against the wall.
He's glad they added showers, muggle born kids had requested it, or, at least a few. Pure bloods and snobs don't use them. Says it's for muggles. Harry likes them. He doesn't like the way the bath water can get so..
Silence.
Harry sat, thinking.
Snape would tear into him.
He could also just make up an excuse or two.
He could say he felt ill but then started to feel better. Or - maybe that he hadn't slept the night before from nightmares, most teachers would take pity on him. Snape would just 'let it go'. Internally not letting it go or externally but 'letting him off with a warning' because he didn't wanna have to spend detention with him.
Harry stood up, keeping his bleeding arm under the water as he reached for bandages from his robes.
While trying to grab them - something made a clanging noise falling out of his robe. Although the didn’t pay any mind yet; he needed to wrap his arm quickly.
He blew on the water on his arm and then fumbled trying to get the bandages on not too tight.
He sighed and scratched his head, looking down at what had fallen.
It had a glint to it, a pencil sharpener. Harry was confused - he must’ve just accidentally put it in his robes and forgotten. He turned off the water and grabbed it, tossing it into the air and catching it again.
Suddenly, as he was looking at it - he froze.
He used to use these when he was around 10 for something that was less then.. healthy.
He held it in his hands, debating.
Should he break it? Should he trash it? Should he.. use it?
…
Suddenly a loud noise was heard. Harry quickly picked up the razor inside the sharpener and hid the mess. His heart was racing. Was he really going to do this?
He sat down in a dry spot. He lifted up the bandage on his arm, staring at the uncut skin.
He let go of the bandage and grabbed the razor, suddenly - his arm was bleeding and it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He.. missed that feeling.. Watching the blood drip, and the lasting pain.
He moved the bandage on his forearm back over. Hiding the cut.
He was staring down at his arm before a few tears began to fall. And, it honestly surprised him. He wasn’t one to cry - ever. His breathing picked up. Although this cries were silenced after he heard someone saying something.
“Uh, are you alright in there?”
It was Seamus. He probably had to wash off because something exploded in his face again.
Harry quickly dressed and grabbed his stuff, then he opened the door to be met with Seamus’s face. Seamus had a bit of shock and a lot of concern on his face.
“Harry? Are you-“
Harry pushed past Seamus as he headed for the door.
He quickly headed for the closest exit toward the forest. A place basically no one ever was. And it was much safer now that Voldemort was dead. Plus - Harry could defend himself well. No dark creature’s from the forest wanted to engage in a fight with him anyway.
Harry saw one of his teachers as he was headed towards the forest, it had probably been obvious that he was crying. So he hurried towards the forest before McGonagall could tell where he went.
He was already in the forest, and suddenly his cries became uncontrollable as his legs suddenly buckled underneath him.
He moved so his back was against the tree and his cries became loud.
He scared off a few nearby creatures with the cries he was producing. He tried to control his breathing as he pulled both his legs up to his chest. His breathing was inconsistent; and his cries became sobs.
Harry didn’t know why this fit was so sudden. Maybe the shock of everything that happened finally wore off.
Or maybe the shock of something new hit him.
He couldn’t tell. All he knew is that he felt like how he did after hedwig died.
His cries became much more violent as he thought about everything that had happened. Cedric. Hedwig. Madeye. The fact that one of the twins nearly died. All the trauma everyone else went through.
Her touch.
All of it was his fault. He could have prevented it. If he had died as a baby Voldemort would’ve been defeated by someone else.
Everyone could be happier if he had died.
No, everyone would be happier if he died.
The thought of people downright not caring if he died was apparent, it made him want to cry for hours. But, he couldn’t. He couldn’t cry anymore. If he cried and acted like the victim, the others would hate him. They were the victims, Cedric was a victim. Not him. He deserved every bad thing that happened to him.
Harry slowly reached a hand into his robe - gripping a vial in his robe.
He was shaking as his cries had quieted down to simple tears.
He pulled out the vial he had taken from snape. It could either be poison or a sleeping draft. They were all to similar in color. He ripped the top off and hesitantly downed it.
He didn’t care if it was poison or a sleeping draft. Either one was fine.
He sat against the tree. Heart racing so fast he couldn’t breathe. Had he really just possibly taken his life?
His vision had began to darken as his eyes became droopy. His mind becoming unaware.
He closed his eyes. Silently hoping it was just a sleeping draft.
—
He woke up, his eyes parting slightly and him immediately closing them.
He hoped he was just a ghost.
He sat for another while, then he realised he was cold and wet. It had rained. Because of course it had.
He opened his eyes as another wind had hit him, making him have goosebumps. He stood up, stumbling a bit. He realised it was very dark out. Hermione would have his head.
He sighed, brushing the bark and leaves off his body as he pulled out his wand.
“Lumos”
He had whispered the spell for honestly no particular reason.
He started to make his way towards the school.
…
It was cold. Very cold.
Harry wonders if anyone had looked for him. Because if they had, they would’ve found him.
He started to walk faster towards the school up a hill as his fingers were turning a blueish color.
Harry couldn’t help but space out as his muscle memory took him to his corridor.
—
Quietly making his way up the stairs, he had taken off his robe and hang it next to the fire in the center of his room.
“Harry!” He heard someone whisper shout.
He looked towards the noise and Ron was sitting upright in bed. Looking at him with extreme concern. His eyes trailed down to his arm.
“Bloody hell mate, what happened to your arm? And where were you?”
Harry looked down at his arm, and back up at Ron.
“Nothing ron, go back to bed.”
Ron stood up “go back to bed? Harry, you were gone all day! People were looking for you, the last few classes were cancelled because no one knew where you were, Hermione was crying to me because.. well.. she had thought the worst mate”
Harry headed towards his bed and grabbed some clothes to change into.
“Well, Im fine Ron.”
“That doesn’t answer my question” Ron was at the end of his bed now.
“Where the bloody hell were you? And what happened to your arm and neck??”
Harry hadn’t thought of that. Hickeys.
“I fell, ron”
Harry quickly changed into a different shirt and closed his bed curtains as he changed his pants.
“Ron, leave me be.”
“No! You need to tell me what’s going on. It’s bloody 2 am! You were gone for hours!”
Harry opened his curtain and got into bed as ron continued to whisper yell at him.
“Answer me Harry!”
“I was in the forest, I fell asleep. Alright ron?” Harry got under his blankets.
“That doesn’t- those aren’t bruises, those are hickeys Harry! We both know you aren’t dating anyone. And you don’t seem too bloody happy about them.”
“Ron, shut up”
That had surprised the both of them. And it shut the both of them up. Harry felt guilty as Ron headed towards his bed mumbling something. Giving Harry a dirty look that had quite a bit of concern in it.
Harry didn’t sleep much that night.
—
Harry was yawning as he ran into snape on his way to his first class.
“..potter..” his deep monotone voice used to scare him, now it just made him.. well it still honestly scared him.
Harry quickly made sure his scarf was covering his neck.
“Do you think you can skip all day? Yesterday the last few classes were shut down. Looking, for you.” He drew out the l’s on ‘all’.
“No- um sorry professor I hadn’t slept well b-“
“I don’t want to hear your excuses potter, you will be having all day detention with professor umbridge. Catching up on your work.” Snape had noticed the way he paled, how you could see Harry become more frantic,
“Something the matter potter? Nevermind, go head to her office. Now.”
Harry’s heart was racing and his eyes were wide as he shakily headed towards her classroom and office.
He walked past a few people and friends who tried to make conversation with him. Asking him questions. He already heard enough of those from Hermione earlier.
He just walked past them.
He stood I front of her office door, before he could even knock - the door had opened.
“Ah, Harry, back so soon are we?”
Harry just locked the door behind him and shakily took off his robe and scarf. Her smile making him frightened. She had stood up and stood infront of him.
Harry had been wearing a long sleeve.
“A.. are you.. doing this to kids? Other people?” He had asked, afraid to hear the answer.
“Only one, although he ran out before I got as far with you. Now.. I’ve just decided to give you detention every, single, day.”
“..so if I.. do things to get in trouble.. this.. won’t happen to others?” She smiled at him as she had him stand up.
“No, Harry. Your different, special, only you deserve this.”