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The mission went badly and he knew it was solely his fault, he was exhausted from the lack of sleep he had the previous night and had gotten distracted for maybe a split second and it was enough for the enemy to escape Rashomon’s grip and attack Atsushi before escaping.
Thankfully, mainly due to his ability Atsushi didn’t suffer anything severe and was healed soon enough but even so, Akutagawa should’ve been more attentive. He let his partner get injured because of his own stupidity and he couldn’t help but feel awful about it.
After the mission, Dazai showed up and they both quickly debriefed what happened to him.
"You let him escape?" Dazai asked them as if not believing his own words.
“It wasn’t on purpose!" Akutagawa quickly argued. "I got distracted for a split second and he managed to-"
"You got distracted?" Dazai cut him off with an expression of something between irritation and disbelief. "Akutagawa, you don’t get distracted on a mission even for a second or you can end up dying, haven’t I taught you anything?"
The man sighed and looked at him with clear disappointment in his eyes crossing his arms. "You know I don’t really expect much from you anymore at this point but wow you somehow managed to get even lower than my expectations! Didn’t know you were that incompetent."
"Don’t let it happen again, you’re both dismissed I’ve got stuff to get to." He said and walked away not bothering to wait for a response from them.
Akutagawa just stared at the ground for a few seconds, maybe minutes? He couldn’t really tell. How had he managed to disappoint the man once again? Was he truly so incapable that he couldn’t even go through a simple mission without failing it? He only brought shame to himself and Dazai when he bothered to still involve him in missions, It was honestly no wonder that Dazai gave up on h-
"Hey?" Atsushi said pushing him out of his thoughts before he could spiral further into self-deprecation and cut the awkward silence that had set between them, he put a hand on his shoulder grounding him. "Are you… alright?"
"Huh?" He answered looking at Atsushi who was giving him a worried look, well he had been staring at the concrete for a solid half minute it was no wonder the other thought his behaviour was strange. When he came to his senses he noticed that he was slightly shaking his breathing a bit faster than usual, it was fine nothing he couldn’t deal with. It was probably because he was tired. "I’m fine."
Atsushi looked doubtful at best clearly not believing his boyfriend one moment. “That just seemed a bit harsh for him to say to you. Are you really alright?"
“It’s not harsh it’s the truth" He argued. “I’m the reason this mission failed and what he said was only necessary."
"Even so-" Atsushi sighed when Akutagawa walked away, as stubborn as always about the subject. Atsushi didn’t understand why Akutagawa cared so much about Dazai’s opinion when the man literally abandoned him. He couldn’t exactly force him to open up if he didn’t want to though.
They both walked back to Akutagawa’s Appartement. Atsushi insisted on going with him since he was a bit worried about the other now. It wasn’t exactly weird for him to come or stay over since they started dating anyway.
Akutagawa fished out his keys and unlocked the door and struggled to get the lock in for a few seconds, his hands a bit shaky because of what he decided was the cold even if it wasn’t even that particularly cold that day. After a few more seconds he manage to get it in and turned it, unlocking the door.
He walked in, Atsushi following behind. He slipped out of his shoes and walked further into the apartment into the kitchen to make the both of them tea. He always did that when his boyfriend came over it was an automatism at this point.
He pulled out the tea set he always used these days, Atsushi had gifted it to him a while ago, it was an antique and looked incredible with the number of details and he could only wonder how exactly Atsushi managed to afford to buy him that.
He also pulled out a box of tea and pulled two tea bags of fig-flavoured tea. He had to wait a while for water in the kettle to boil, he hadn’t even noticed Atsushi had set it for him.
Not so long later the kettle whistled signalling that the water was ready, Atsushi poured the water into the cups and set the kettle aside. Akutagawa carefully picked up the tray and walked out of the kitchen toward the living room.
He didn’t exactly know how, he must’ve bumped into something because one of the cups suddenly fell off and loudly shattered to the ground breaking into multiple pieces.
His body moved automatically and he quickly crouched down and set the tray on the floor, shit- How had he managed to drop it? He literally never broke any of his crockeries before and was always careful how did it fall down? Was he truly that incompetent at everything he did now? He broke the one thing Atsushi had gifted him, the other spent money on it and trusted him not to break it but now it was lying on the floor shattered into he didn’t know how many pieces. He really couldn’t be trusted with anything anymore? Why wasn’t he more careful?! Even during the mission if he was more attentive he wouldn’t have failed, he wouldn’t have been-
"Hey- hey! Don’t do that you’ll hurt yourself." Atsushi’s voice worriedly said grabbing his wrist, when had he gotten there? He looked down at his hands and saw one of them bleeding due to his attempt to pick the pieces back up. He was still tightly holding one of the shards in his right hand only dropping it when Atsushi’s grip around his wrist tightened. Blood now slowly dripping on the floor.
"This is why you shouldn’t pick up glass with your hands." Atsushi softly scolded him looking over the injury which thankfully wasn’t that bad. "You have to be more careful- Ryuu?"
Atsushi was now looking at him with worry and concern filling his ametrine eyes, something else was now dripping to the ground and his vision blurred. Akutagawa was confused for a second bringing his uninjured hand up to his face just to notice a wet track running down one of his cheeks and-
Oh
He was crying. He hadn’t even noticed but it explained the lump in his throat. He raised his hand up again to his face to wipe them away but only manages to smear the tears as new ones appeared only making him cry harder.
"Oh Ryuu…" he heard Atsushi say bringing a hand up to his face and gently cupping it the warmth radiating from his hand. He couldn’t help but to think about how ridiculous he must’ve looked, crying on the floor in the middle of his hallway because of a broken cup. "Hey, it’s fine we can just clean it up don’t worry."
He only began sobbing harder his body shaking violently which each sob, he felt Atsushi pulling him closer running a hand through his hair and pulling him close into an embrace.
"Shh, It’s okay don’t worry" The other softly said reassuring him while rubbing circles on his back. He tried to answer, at least say something to explain his pathetic behaviour but only managed to choke on a sob.
He held onto the other tighter making sure he wouldn’t leave him.
"It’s alright, I got you I’m not leaving," Atsushi said as if reading his thoughts his voice sounding impossibly kind while still running a gentle hand through his hair, gently detangling any knots.
"I-I’m so pathetic" he finally managed to say between sobs. "I can’t d-do anything right! I’m s-such a failure I-" He doesn’t manage to finish his sentence as he cried harder his heart hurting.
"Don’t say that" Atsushi said in a stern but soft voice. "You’re the furthest thing from that I promise Ryuunosuke"
"B-But Dazai s-" He quickly got cut off by his boyfriend.
"Well first of all he’s wrong and you’ve just had a bad day it’s fine he can’t expect you to do well everytime." The silver haired male spoke.
"You got injured because of me…" He said sounding upset.
"It wasn’t because of you, and you know i heal in no time the injury isn’t even there anymore." He softly explained.
"I-It is! I should’ve-"
"Should’ve, could've or would've it doesn’t matter. It already happened and there’s nothing you can do about it, beating yourself up over it won’t help." Atsushi said cutting him off again.
Akutagawa’s sobs by now subsided to quiet cries, a few tears still streaming down his face as he quietly cried into his boyfriend’s arms. "I broke one of the cups you bought me."
"It’s fine, I don’t care about the set Ryuu I care about you." He said and slowly pulled back wiping one of the tears off Akutagawa’s cheeks. "Now, let’s get your hand cleaned and bandaged hm?"
He stood up, pulling Akutagawa up with him at the same time whose gaze flickered to the broken cup shard and the tray for a moment before going back to him.
"Sorry." He quietly spoke breaking the few seconds of silence.
"For what?" Atsushi asked.
"I got blood and tears on your shirt…" The taller male said looking embarrassed.
"It’s fine, I really don’t mind." He answered smiling.
They both walked into the bathroom and Atsushi pulled the first aid kit out while Akutagawa sat down on the closed toilet lid.
Atsushi took the few needed item out of the bag and got to work, luckily it wasn’t deep enough to need stitches so he cleaned the dried blood off his hand and disinfected the wound. He softly apologized when Akutagawa hissed from pain. That out of the way he bandaged it to the best of his abilities.
"There! That should be fine." He said fixing the bandage right making sure it wouldn’t just fall off. "How are you feeling now? Are you alright? And please don’t lie to me"
Akutagawa seemed to think of his response for a second before answering. "I’m tired but a bit better… thank you."
"It’s no problem but you shouldn’t bottle all your emotions up until you break down it’s not healthy," Atsushi said ever so slightly scolding him.
"I’m sorry, that won’t happen again I promise." He said it a bit too seriously misunderstanding it.
"No that’s not what I meant just-" Atsushi sighed. "If you’re feeling upset about something you can always tell me no matter what it is. You don’t have to suffer alone is what I mean."
"Alright, um I’ll try to be more open in the future then I guess," Akutagawa said.
"Good!" Atsushi exclaimed. "Now, how about we clean up the mess in the hallway and make some new tea before going to bed?"
"Sounds perfect," Akutagawa said with now a soft smile on his face as his boyfriend gently held his hand and pulled him out of the bathroom.