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Sometimes it’s okay to be vulnerable.
Sideswipe stared blankly as the last few rays of sunlight disappeared behind the Crown City skyscrapers, the mesmerizing view of flushed pinks and oranges barely registering as he argued with the annoyingly loud voice in his head - a daily occurrence.
He leaned back onto his hands, stretching his legs out in front of him. He hardly ever let himself say anything that might come off as sappy - mainly because he really didn’t want the team to laugh at him, which they absolutely would. He was getting better at it, though. Ever since he’d split into two, the team’s attitude towards him had changed. Not a lot - in fact, they probably didn’t even realize it - but he saw it. They’d seen a part of him he’d hidden for so long.
And after that....there wasn’t really much more to hide, was there? They already knew about his fear of abandonment. They knew he had a more...sensitive side. It still made him grimace, just thinking about them knowing he was scared. Maybe they didn’t think about it 24/7, maybe they didn’t feel pitiful for him every second of the day, but that was what he had convinced himself they thought - and it felt terrible. He wanted to be treated like the rest of them. Maybe he should be grateful for the change in mood, but he didn’t. It all felt weird. Really, it just made him feel worse. He didn’t want anyone to think of him as less, and after that display of weakness, they would probably never treat him the same again.
But then, maybe he was overthinking it. The others had their own problems to worry about; his issues were probably the least of their concerns. He could easily have been imagining the shift in mood. At the same time....no one had said anything to either halves of him when they were actually split. They’d brought it up after he was back together again, and assured him they’d never leave him alone. And then they never mentioned it again.
If he’d learned anything from working with Bee, it was that he could really keep things to himself. After all, he’d known him even before the team had gotten together - meaning that he knew a lot of stuff about Sideswipe that no one else really knew. Not even Strongarm, because Bee was lax about the rules and hadn’t written him up for everything, so it didn’t show on his profile.
He sighed, sitting up straight again and rubbing his wrists. He really was getting tired of this constant cycle of confusion and embarrassment. Today, it had all started just because he’d thought of telling Strongarm-
He cringed again at the thought. A part of him - a big part of him - was absolutely against this idea. He couldn’t imagine a single scenario in which she wouldn’t judge him.
Well- he actually could, but it just seemed so unrealistic. And of course the whole process would involve him being extremely open and vulnerable to her. He still had a bit of hope, though, even though he felt guilty for feeling it sometimes. Something about the way she’d yelled his name when he was being rejoined....maybe she did care more than she let on. Or maybe he was overthinking it again.
He groaned. He was starting to get a headache - arguing with himself was exhausting. Suddenly he decided he didn’t care what the voice in his head thought. He was gonna do it. Out of spite. If it failed....well - hopefully they were close enough to just forget about it and pretend it never happened. At the moment, however, he wasn’t too concerned with consequences. He rose, ignoring the rush of excitement and nervousness as he tried to find her. This was starting to seem like a bad idea, and the voice in his head was beginning to speak up again. He turned the corner.
“Hey Strongarm!” he said cheerfully.
She looked up from her datapad. “You’re back already?”
“Hm?” he raised an eyebrow, taking a seat on an old car next to her.
“From patrol,” she clarified, zipping the hologram shut. “Didn’t expect you to be back so early.”
He pursed his lips, looking away.
“Did you skip again?” she asked in disbelief.
“No...” he said unconvincingly, “I just- mmmm....didn’t go all the way.”
She raised an eyebrow.
“As in, I didn’t finish the route,” he added guiltily.
“Sideswipe-“
“I know, I know, but come on, that route’s in the middle of nowhere, and it’s all barren land....he’d never go there and you know it.”
She sighed. “But he could be there. Just- finish your routes from now on, okay? We can’t risk anything.” She knew he was right; that one route was so far away in some random place, none of them understood why they had to go there. Barren, open land, no cover at all; it was the worst place for a decepticon to hide. Especially Steeljaw, since his whole motive was to raise an army. Still, Bee knew more than them, so they followed his orders and finished their shifts.
“Fine,” he slouched, giving her a half annoyed, half amused look.
“So,” she said after a moment of silence, “Did anything interesting happen?”
He thought about it for a minute. “Not really. I saw some blue bird today, though. I’ve never seen a blue one before. But other than that, no,” he admitted, still trying to figure out how to bring up what he wanted to tell her. His insides were all jittery, try as he might to ignore the feeling.
“Uh huh,” she nodded slowly, her eyebrows raised and a hint of a smile on her lips. Her lips were very pretty, he thought. Especially when she smiled. “I saw blue birds once. In the jungle where we first captured Springload. They’re definitely something.”
“Blue’s a nice color,” he agreed, his spark racing. “It looks good on you.”
He saw her eyes widen in surprise as the compliment registered. “Oh! Thanks,” she said slowly, gazing at him in a way that made his cheeks heat up. He looked away.
His head was suddenly totally empty, no witty comments or smart jokes now. And it was too late to brush it off as just a friendly gesture. It was all he could do to keep from blurting everything out on the spot. He shifted nervously, feeling Strongarm still watching him.
“Is- are you okay?” she asked, a hint of amusement in her voice.
“Yeah,” he said quickly, trying to sound relaxed. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
She smiled. “No reason. You just.... turned away all of a sudden. It’s not like you,” she explained.
He avoided looking at her still. He just knew he would start blushing again if he saw her smile. “Whatever,” he mumbled, trying to find another way to confess. Should he just come out and say it? No, that was weird. Or maybe not...
He bit his lip. It probably was. But he’d already made it so obvious, he decided to just get it over with.
“It’s just- I- need to tell you something,” he paused, glancing quickly at her to see what she thought. She watched him curiously.
“Oh- sure. Go ahead,” she answered, realizing he was waiting for her response. Admittedly, she was getting nervous. He’d never acted like this before.
He shuffled around with his hands, trying to put his words together. His mind was absolutely blank.
“I....really like you,” he breathed, feeling the heat rise suddenly from his chest into his cheeks. She was quiet, but he dared not look at her. “I love you,” he repeated in a whisper, the words easier the second time. And, finally, he summoned up the courage to look at her.
Her eyes were wide, lips slightly parted as she stared at him in shock. Evidently, she hadn’t expected him to say that. Which was weird, he thought. He’d made it kind of obvious- or at least that was how it had seemed to him.
“You mean it?” she asked, her voice so quiet and gentle that it made his spark melt.
“Of course I mean it,” he said softly, and he wished he could kiss her right then and there. It was dark now, and the blue glow from her optics just brushed her lips so they looked softer than ever.
“I- wow,” she breathed, and he wondered if he was just imagining the blue tint on her cheeks. “I did not expect you to say that.”
She stared off somewhere to her left, and stayed quiet for so long after that he wondered whether she was just trying to find a good way to tell him she didn’t feel the same way.
“You know, if- you don’t feel the same way, that’s totally fine! We could just be friends-“
“No, it’s not that!” she said quickly, reaching forward and taking his hand. They gazed into each other’s eyes, neither able to look away. “I just...didn’t know how to respond,” she admitted, never breaking eye contact.
“I’ll just say it then-“ she sucked in a breath. “I love you too.”
The last words were barely a whisper, but he caught them.
He caught them, and all of a sudden he was full of a kind of joy he could hardly contain. He felt her fingers slip between his own, saw her smile somewhat shyly at him, and she looked so pretty and perfect he finally let himself lean forward and press his lips against hers, his free hand reaching up to hold the side of her face as he did. He could feel her smiling all the while, squeezing their intertwined hands tighter as she kissed him back.
When he finally pulled away, cheeks flushed a bright blue, he was unable to stop a huge grin from spreading over his face. Strongarm mirrored his expression, and he became aware of how absolutely cheesy they looked right now, holding each other’s hands tight and beaming at each other, but for the first time, he couldn’t care less.
It felt good to be vulnerable.