Archive of Our Own ^beta

blue posted a new chapter of paperback writer (225 000 words): 

Chapter 31 (15 000 words)

by blue

When Jungwon saw the notification popping up on his phone, it was like the day was saved. After reading this Drarry fanfiction for two years (which emphasized his love for bad boys, thank you very much), Jungwon had developed even more feelings for writing. It was a passion, a constant desire that kept burning his fingers. He wanted to write, to create things that were stuck in his mind. 

Because God knew how many things were confined in it: guilt, desire, anxiety and despondency.

Without hesitation, he clicked on the link, ready to read Blue’s masterpiece final. It was always hard to say goodbye to things we loved, but Jungwon hoped it wasn’t the last time he was going to read his words.

But, when he started to read, something caught his eye: there were author’s notes. 

One of the many reasons why Jungwon was so obsessed with Blue’s writing was his mystery. The author was always discreet, never he had written an author’s note in two years, nor salutations or excuses when a chapter came later than expected.

His eyes sparkled with excitement as he started to read.

Hi everyone, 

Yeah I know I never talk to you and I’m sorry about it, but it’s not the kind of thing I usually do. 

I wanted to thank all of you for your constant love and support. After two years this is finally the end, “paperback writer” has a really important place in my heart and I can’t leave you like that. So I decided to create a twitter account (@blueswriter) where I can communicate with you, I will update you about my future works and projects, and it can also be a place where I can talk with you. 

Thank you for your kinds words I hope to see you soon,

Blue.

Jungwon never opened his twitter app that quickly, he typed the user as fast as he could, hoping that he could discover pictures or some proof of his existence. 

How could someone this talented could be real? 

He scrolled on his profile but there was nothing yet except for some Drarry fanarts and fanfictions he had retweeted. 

Maybe with time, he would post something.

Yes, time. 

Jungwon followed him and went back to reading but another thing distracted him.

Another notification popped up, this time from one of his best-friends Kim Sunoo.

annoying bitch #1

 {picture attached}

  

                                                                                                                     won

                                                 why are you sending me a picture of fucking park jongseong?

Park Jongseong. Park Jongseong. Fucking Park Jongseong.

They used to be friends (lovers? Jungwon didn’t know how to label their relationship) but now they were strangers to one another like someone you met on the train or people you crossed paths with on the streets.

Jungwon hated the way he seemed to be happy in the picture. 

Was he the only one suffering? 

annoying bitch #1

 idgaf about your park jongseong

                                                                                                                       won

                                                             he isn’t mine please, is this about the guy on his right?

annoying bitch #1

  god, you don’t know park sunghoon?

                                                                                                                       won

                                                                                        how am I supposed to know him?

Even more, if he was friends with him.

But he lied. 

Of course, he knew Park Sunghoon. Of course, he learned about every single person who was related to or close to Park Jongseong.

Because Jungwon was sick and jealous. 

And still in love. 

annoying bitch #1

he is literally the most popular guy at decelis but nevermind. I matched with him on tinder, can you believe it?

For sure he could believe it. Sunoo matched with everyone on the campus.

He was brilliant, cute and docile. If someone wanted to spend a good time, it was always possible with him. 

Sunoo had a lot of conquests, he collected them as trophies that he loved to speak about. 

“No feelings, you can’t be hurt then,” he said one day to him after explaining the night he had spent with Sim Jaeyun.

He used them and then replaced them with another person. 

Used-replaced, used-replaced, used-replaced. 

Maybe Sunoo was right. 

Because now he thought about Jay’s smile on that stupid picture.

And Jungwon wasn’t in the mood for reading anymore. 

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“Jungwon, I always wanted to know why you like to write.” Jay once asked him while they were stargazing. 

Jungwon didn’t know what to answer, or how to describe this obscene passion. It was just a constant desire.

When he wrote, Jungwon could control the whole world if he wanted to. He could create characters and make people fall in love or confess their love to each other. 

It was easier than in real life.

“It’s… I don’t know how to say this… It’s very therapeutic.” 

“Therapeutic?” Jay asked turning his gaze upon him. 

“Yes, in my stories I’m the creator, I can do whatever I want but I don’t expect someone like you to understand”

Jay chuckled and Jungwon thought it was the best melody in the world. 

“Someone like me, what does it mean?” He took his hand in his and poked his right cheek “Are you making fun of me?”

“No, at all!! It’s just that you don’t need writing, you are already perfect, and everyone loves you.”

Jay rolled his eyes. Was he tired of him? 

“But you are perfect Jungwon, if only you could see you with my eyes, from my point of view.”

As gentle as he could, he tucked a strand of hair behind Jungwon’s ear, his contact made him feel great, maybe too great for his own good.

He was whipped. 

Jay’s words resonated in his head like a scandalous litany that made him question his sanity. If only it was the truth.

Jungwon wanted to be loved, to feel what he felt when he was around him. The constant butterflies that kept tickling his stomach or the smile he had when he thought about him.

So no, Jungwon couldn’t believe Jay. Nobody could suffer as he suffered and clearly nobody deserved to live this. 

Sometimes, Jungwon wished he was someone else. Someone prettier, more talented, more confident and not the annoying human being he was. 

“You are saying this because you are my friend.” He just answered avoiding Jay’s eyes.

“Just believe me Jungwon, trust me okay? Do you trust me?”

“Of course”

Even if he couldn’t see the truth.

Jay smiled at him and kissed his forehead tenderly. The contact of his sweet lips made him blush.

“Don’t forget that I will always be there for you.”

And Jungwon’s heart skipped a beat. 

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Jungwon stepped up in the lunchroom at 1 PM for his daily meeting with Sunoo and Riki. The three of them were in different courses so Sunoo just decided to meet once a day to eat together (understand gossiping in the Kim Sunoo language). 

After looking at all the tables to find his best friends, Jungwon finally found them when Riki waved his hand in his direction. They had taken the smallest table at the bottom of the hall, it meant one thing: Sunoo wanted to tell them something.

“Sorry I’m late,” he took place between them, “Mr Jeon took 20 minutes to talk about the next assignment we have to do” 

Riki, as always, didn’t make any comment, too focused on eating his meal. But the unusual silence of Sunoo was weird, the boy was applying his eyeliner without paying attention to him, and it hurt Jungwon a little bit. He raised a questioning eyebrow at Riki but he seemed to ignore the reason for his silence as well.

“Sunoo, are you okay?” he dared to ask.

The pink-haired man finally turned to him, a furious look on his face. He was angry.

And nobody wanted to face an angry Sunoo.

“Oh am I?” he said sarcastically “You didn’t reply to my text yesterday and I needed you.” 

“Sorry I fell asleep and–”

“You know Jungwon I am always there for you when you have your problems or when you keep speaking about–”

Sunoo marked a long pause and Jungwon knew damn well to whom he was referring. Riki sensed the tension because he stopped eating, his mouth full of noodles. His eyes glanced back and forth between him and then Sunoo. 

“Say it. Say it Sunoo” 

He sighed and returned to his make-up.

“You don’t want to answer?”

“Sorry I’ve gone too far, I am just moody today and stressed but please next time answer me, even to tell me you’ll go to sleep.”

He nodded and everything went back to normal. 

“So,” he asked after a few minutes “do you want to talk about something?”

“Indeed!” He screamed with a big smile on his face “I have a date with Park Sunghoon tonight!” 

He was so excited that everyone in the lunchroom could have heard the news. Sunoo wasn’t very discreet. 

“Are you really going out with this skinny ass?” Riki asked, looking at him as if It was the worst idea he had come up with and Jungwon tried his best not to laugh. 

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I? He is hot, rich, popular and has a body count higher than my grades.”

“What a slut you are Kim Sunoo.” 

Sunoo stuck his tongue out and chuckled.

“Yes, I am” 

He winked at a random guy who just passed by which led Riki to choke on his delicious food. Jungwon couldn’t hold his laugh anymore, he felt a strange warmth embrace his stomach. 

And for a moment, he just felt good.

Until he locked his eyes with him.

Across the room, Jungwon spotted Sim Jaeyun with… Park Jongseong and for a moment their eyes met, Jungwon glanced at him as he dared him to stop first. He wanted to feel strong, to be strong and to show him that he wasn’t affected by this anymore.

But it was hard, even more so when Riki waved at them to greet them. Jungwon gave him a dirty look, feeling betrayed. 

He knew that his friend was nonchalant about it, he didn’t want to interfere in their story or whatever was going on for these past two years but he just felt bad because it was like Riki minimized his pain.

Nobody could understand.

“Oh please! It’s been two years.” Riki looked at him, this time strongly focused “I can’t stop talking to him for eternity.”

Jungwon sensed his eyes sting and he tried his best to not show it. Sunoo swayed on his chair feeling that he was not wanted. 

“I didn’t ask you to stop talking to him, even if I love the idea, but just don’t smile at him or greet him as he didn’t hurt my feelings.”

“But Won…” 

As Riki started to talk, Jungwon knew he wouldn’t like the end of it. 

“You hurt him first.”

He just dropped the bomb, the terrible truth that Jungwon was trying to forget.

Because Riki was right, he was the bad one in this story, all of this started because of his shitty behavior and his selfishness. 

Jungwon had hurt Jongseong in the first place, not the contrary. He was the only one to blame.

It seemed that Riki was regretting his choice of words as he apologized but Jungwon raised a hand trying to stop him.

“You don’t need to apologize, you are right and you only do your duty as my friend.”

They remained silent until they finished eating and it was time to go to their lectures. Jungwon left them colder than when he arrived. 

Maybe Jay was right from the beginning: he was selfish.

                                                                                                                 #

Jungwon didn’t hear the sound of the steps in the hall, too focused on typing his ongoing project. He neither heard the sound of the door which was slowly being opened, his energy and attention only obsessed with his words. 

Someone had entered his room. 

Actually, he just wished it wasn’t some murderer or some psychopath because he couldn’t do anything to survive. 

“Jungwon, do you know there is an “answer” option on your phone or do I need to show you?” the unidentified said and Jungwon let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

Phew. It was only Jay. 

“I know dumbass” he teased him, “maybe I just didn’t want to answer you.” 

He didn’t take time to look at him, the project was due tonight and if Jungwon didn’t finish it then he couldn’t join Decelis Academy.

And he won’t be with Jay anymore. 

“What are you doing?” 

Jungwon understood Jay made his way to his bed as he could hear the sound of the sheets he undid. 

“Hey! What are you doing in my bed” he finally turned around to look at him “I just did it this morning.”

“Finally, you are looking at me, Yang Jungwon.” 

These words weren’t supposed to make him blush but they did. His friend displayed a victorious smile seeing the effect he had on him. 

Jungwon thought he could throw himself out of the window when he saw the see-through t-shirt he was wearing. 

Park Jongseong would be the death of him someday. 

“You are distracting me! I have to finish this and I can’t find the words!”

If only his thoughts could write themselves, it would be so much easier. 

Jay gave him a sidelong look, the look he made when he wanted to bother him, the same look Jungwon loved but couldn’t admit.

“You put too much pressure on you Won, you can make it, you are talented don’t stress out.”

Easy to say, difficult to understand. 

Jay finally left his bed walking in his direction, as he reached him he put his hands on his shoulders, his warm touch reawakened the butterflies in his stomach. 

“What are you writing anyway?”

“It’s a work I have to send tonight to be accepted at Decelis Academy.” 

“ Oh .” Jay murmured and for a few seconds Jungwon saw the red appearing on his cheeks “So you want to go to Decelis, good choice, two years at this school and I don’t regret mine.”

“I want to be with you” Jungwon wanted to scream, the words stuck in his throat. He has known Jay since always, their mothers were best friends so their sons were. They spent their lives together, even if Jay was two years older and they weren’t in the same class. But since he left for Decelis Academy it was so much more difficult to see each other, Jay left his parent’s house for the dorms and he left Jungwon alone in the coldness of his room.

Whatever the cost, Jungwon would join Decelis Academy. 

“Where is the problem in what you write?” Jay glanced at his words but Jungwon quickly closed his computer “If I can’t read I can’t help you.”

“I didn’t ask for your help and I don’t like to show what I write, you know it.” 

“I hope one day you will have the guts to publish one of your fanfiction on AO3, they are great.”

“No, they are not.”

“Yes if you say so” Jay sighed.

Jungwon knew he hated the fact that he was constantly hating on his works, called it “impostor syndrome” or whatever you wanted but he was just too hard to love what he wrote.

He didn’t deserve all this praise. 

Maybe Jay was just being nice to him… yeah it was just compassion and Jay couldn’t just say it wasn’t good, right? 

“It just…” he started twisting his fingers together as a way of showing his stress. “I just don’t know how to make my character say “I love you” to the other without actually saying it.”

Suddenly, Jay raised Jungwon’s chin up to lock their eyes, he brought his head closer to his. Jungwon could feel his breath on him and they were so close that their lips barely touched. He wanted to feel their contact so bad that he was too lost in his thoughts and too perturbed by Jay’s gaze.

“Jungwon” he murmured slowly and Jungwon wanted to kiss him so he could shut up “I’m longing for you.”

Jungwon knew that even a whole box filled with ice wouldn’t be capable of calming him down, his cheeks became so red it was impossible to not notice it. 

Jay laughed and Jungwon just wanted to die of shame. 

“Look at your reaction! Your character can say that, it would work.”

He left his chin and came back to his bed. Jungwon touched his own cheeks, still warmed by what the hell Jay had just done, to try to calm himself. 

After this event, Jungwon thought about this for days and days. Days became weeks and months and even years. 

Because even after two years of separation, sometimes at night Jungwon’s cheeks turned red when he thought about what happened.

At least, Jay’s words helped him. He had been accepted to Decelis Academy as a creative writing student as he had dreamed of, but unfortunately without being friends with Jay anymore. 

Jungwon screamed into his pillow trying to cover the sound of his sobs, he didn’t want to wake up Riki, his roommate. 

He deserved what happened.

He hurt him first. 

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 Jungwon was tired. At first, when he had chosen this option, he thought that “French Literature” could be a good choice. But, as he heard his teacher’s nasal voice (which was the worst sound the boy had ever heard) he completely regretted it.

Fortunately, he wasn’t alone in this ordeal. He made a new friend Bahiyyih (who was the sister of Kai, one of Jay’s friends, as usual everything came back to him.) and he understood that he wasn’t the only one hating on this stupid teacher and his stupid explanation of the hell that was the 17th century in France. 

“What did he just say?” he asked after being lost in his thoughts for at least twenty minutes.

“Dude, I’m on twitter, I don’t give a fuck about what he said about Les Fourberies de Scapin ” she replied pronouncing the last words with a horrible imitation of the French accent. 

Jungwon tried his best to not laugh and as Bahi was distracting him he decided to look on twitter with her. It was funnier and more understandable. 

Never mind, this option wasn’t that important.

“So what is happening at Decelis these days? I need gossip.” he whispered because even if the teacher was boring he was respectful. 

“You are friends with Sunoo, I should be the one asking this.” 

“Legit.” 

They spend a lot of time lurking on twitter, Bahi showed him some of her classmates and spilled some tea about them. 

“You see her?” She said showing a picture of a girl Jungwon knew was Riki’s classmate “It’s Hikaru, I kissed her last night at Rei’s party.” 

“Good choice, she is cute.” 

Bahi kept showing him pictures of last night's party: people were mostly drunk. He saw Hikaru and her dancing together, Jake and Heeseung making out at the back and Kai with some of his friends. 

Then, she scrolled a little bit too far, a little bit too fast because his eyes stared at the last thing he wanted to see. 

Park Jongseong.

Park Jongseong with Kim Minjeong. 

And it wasn’t just a selca, or a funny picture or a flirty picture people took when they have too much alcohol popping in their veins. 

It wasn’t like this at all. 

It was worse.

Minjeong was licking his neck. Jay’s neck. And the boy was staring at the camera with a big smile on his face like it was the best day of his life. 

Jungwon wanted to throw away Bahi’s phone and erased what he had just seen. He should have gone to this party, he should have pushed Minjeong away from him and crashed her pretty face on the couch. 

But instead, the only thing he was capable of, was trembling. 

Pathetic. 

Bahiyyih closed twitter and stared at her french book. 

“We should listen to the course.”

“Yeah” he murmured briefly.

Thus the masochist's urge to look at the picture again was too strong so he took his own phone, opened the app and looked up for the picture again.

But, destiny was sometimes merciful. 

Jungwon received another notification that perturbed him and his insane thoughts. 

@ blueswriter followed you back!

“What the fuck?” he screamed and a lot of students turned in his direction.

He waved at them as an apology, the drama queen that he was couldn’t tell them he was screaming because his fav gay author followed him, people would certainly judge him, and they will be right to do it so. 

“Are you okay?” Bahi asked and he knew she was still thinking about the banned picture. 

“Yes, don’t worry it’s not something bad.”

She sighed with relief and Jungwon clicked on Blue’s profile. It felt so good but at the same time so bad, he would have access to his life, finally, he would be able to learn more about him. 

And for a few minutes he completely forgot about Jay; about the picture and even about his existence. 

For the first time in a while, he felt just empty and excited. 

He looked at Blue’s media hoping to find some proof of his life, some realness beyond the internet. His heart was beating so fast in his chest that he felt like throwing up. 

Feelings were Jungwon’s first problem; the main reason why he hated himself that much. He was someone who wanted to feel loved, someone who wanted to show his love. He took everything at heart, he was too fragile like a flower afraid to fade. 

Jungwon scrolled on his profile and what he just saw just freaked him out.

@ blueswriter :

“ Thank you for every kudos and comment you guys made, it means a lot to me. Don’t worry, I won’t leave AO3!” At Decelis Academy.

Fuck. Fuck? Fuck!

Blue was in the same school as him, they breathed the same air, maybe they even shared some class, shared some lunch or even shared some friends. They surely crossed paths at parties, and shot a glance at one another. 

Jungwon was obsessed with words, how they fit and how they didn’t always mean the same thing when they changed places. But the things Jungwon was the most obsessed with were the authors. 

He wanted to know everything about them, how they wrote, what they wrote, why they wrote. As if knowing them could give him even the slightest percent of their talent. 

Jungwon was insane and he knew that.

But Blue was at Decelis and it was all that mattered. 

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Hi, wonie04! 

A gift work has been posted for you at the Archive of Our Own! 

trust yourself (12 264 words) 

by jayp

Fandom: Harry Potter (Books)

Summary: 

Draco is tired of Harry’s behavior. He is amazing, one of the most beautiful things in the world. So why is he unconfident? Draco decides to show him the truth.

Jungwon wanted to explode. Of all the gifts in the world; fanfiction was the best thing he could ever wish for. 

This birthday would be great, it was only a fact. 

He didn’t care about his homework, didn’t care about his mom screaming his name for him to come downstairs. He just wanted to read this fanfiction in one sitting to celebrate his birthday.

And because it was Jay.

He felt his heart beating so fast in his chest, as if at any moment it could escape from it, a flock of feelings dancing in his stomach. 

Fuck, he was so stupidly in love with Jongseong and it was probably too late to go back.

During his reading, he found something that wouldn’t help him to go on with his feelings.

Jay was so fucking talented. A little too much, to be honest.

Jungwon could feel all his gentleness, his cleverness in his words. All the things Jungwon loved about him, every single damn inch of his blowing personality, were emphasized in his writing.

When he finally finished reading this masterpiece (and after spending 30 minutes thinking about it and how much he loved Jay) he received a new message.

From him.

     jay

so did you receive my gift?? I’m so bad with this website omg, am I a boomer?

                                                                                                              won

                                                                                 jay, it’s amazing, you are so talented 

                                                          it was perfect, thank you it’s the best gift I could wish for. 

jay

  i know how important writing is for you so i just gave it a try. and it was actually very funny, i could do it again in the future. 

All day long, he kept reading and reading and reading the fanfiction again and he was entirely sure he could write it by heart. 

Now, two years later, he kept reading this fanfiction at night as a reminder.

It all started because of this fanfiction.

Writing was his blessing but also his loss.

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Okay. He was freaking it out.

He kept staring at the private message he just received because of how and why the fuck Blue sent him a message, praising his writing style and complementing his last fanfiction.

Of course, Jungwon was fucking stupid to link his ao3 profile on his pinned tweet. 

He spent fifteen minutes trying to think about what to answer and it seemed like it was too much time for Blue’s patience because he sent him another message.

@ blueswriter  

are you here? sorry, i don’t want to disturb you, it’s just that i really loved your fanfiction and it’s always a pleasure to have such talented readers.

So the guy was talented and nice? He was certainly dreaming. 

                                                                                                                    @ wonierius  

                                                                             no don’t worry, you don’t disturb me 

                                                                            it’s just that I’m a little bit shocked 

                                                                            to have my fav author reading my work, omg 

@ blueswriter

 i’m just curious haha btw is your @ about lucius malfoy? @wonierius has a very strong malfoy vibe (yeah I’m a malfoy defender)

                                                                                                  @ wonierius

                                             nope sorry to disappoint you but it’s because I’m an aquarius 😋 

@ blueswriter

of course you are!!!!

                                                                                                  @ wonierius  

                                                                                    wdym??? am i too obvious??

@ blueswriter

  fr i could tell it by how you wrote harry in your work, very aquarius of him the way he talks to draco in such a cold way. 

Jungwon laughed like a teenage girl from a Netflix TV Show, screaming into his pillow. 

They continued to talk for a while; about their lives, and about their love for writing (and Jungwon was surprised Blue was a newbie in this field). He asked for some tips, and they shared their thoughts about Harry Potter and the universe in general. They had a lot in common so the conversation went smoothly as they knew each other for a while.

He felt good, he felt calm when he talked to him.

Then, Jungwon finally asked about what he saw in the last French class, Blue’s location at Decelis Academy was constantly stuck in his mind. 

                                                                                                  @ wonierius  

                                                                                i saw the tweet you posted a few days ago 

                                                                               and you were at decelis so i was surprised 

                                                                               because i’m also at decelis academy!

@ blueswriter

 omg fr??? it’s so cool, we should probably get in touch sometimes to talk about ff or even other things!!

                                                                                                  @ wonierius  

                                                                                            of course!! it would be a pleasure!!

Jungwon was so excited about it that it was the first thing he said to Sunoo and Riki when they met at lunch.

“You know” Riki started “It’s like Robin’s obsession with Batman; kind of weird if you want my opinion.”

“Actually there are some good fanfics about it” Sunoo continued

“Oh shut up!! I just talked with him for an hour, can you stop acting like I’m flirting with him?”

“But you want to.” 

Jungwon sulked, every time he talked about a potential “crush” or a boy other than Jay, his friends teased him like there was no tomorrow. They knew Jungwon’s crush didn’t last long because unfortunately he always came back to his first love.

Park Jongseong.

“Now that we are talking about boys I have an announcement to make!!” Sunoo screamed standing up, he tried his best to look mysterious but Jungwon knew whom he was referring to. 

“What? Did you fuck Sunghoon?” Riki asked and Jungwon couldn’t let him talk this way. 

Kids nowadays.

“Language!”

“Sorry I meant, did he fuck you?” 

“The problem is not “who fucked who” but the fact that you are talking about Sunoo’s sex life, I don’t want to know this kind of thing.”

“As if he didn’t talk about it every day.”

“You know I’m still here right?” Sunoo interrupted them, waving his hand in front of his eyes.

“Yes sorry Sunoo, please go on.”

Jungwon could see that Sunoo was pretty excited about his non-that-mysterious announcement because of how his eyes sparkled and how his legs bounced as he took place between him and Riki. 

“We are invited to Sunghoon’s party this weekend!” He said, clapping his hands together. 

“Okay, and now what is the good news?” 

“Riki! Please don’t make this harder than it already is.”

Jungwon stayed silent and it wasn’t the reaction Sunoo expected. But how could he react positively when Sunghoon was Jay’s best friend? 

Oh God, he wanted to die. 

And fuck Sunoo and his slutty ass for hooking up with everybody around this campus.

“Don’t worry Wonie, you can stay in the dorms if you want but I think you should come to relax a bit.”

“I will stay with Jungwon then.”

“No, you don’t have a choice, Riki.” 

“But-“

Jungwon stopped listening to them and their daily fights. He didn’t know if he should go or not. 

Because how was he gonna react to Jay? 

He thought about it all day long, his life couldn’t revolve around Jay forever. 

Jungwon was too obsessed and that was maybe one of the many reasons he had lost him. He felt like the bad guy, hating on his friends, hating on himself. 

Jungwon was in a constant vicious circle that drained all of his energy.

So, he came to a terrible conclusion: Jungwon should talk to Jay. 

They needed a talk, Jungwon must tell him how much he was sorry, how much he missed him and how much Jay was his world. 

It has always been Jay and Jungwon . They had a bond, a connection. 

It has always been Jay and Jungwon, Jay always came first because he was the person he loved the most. 

And then the world crashed, Jay left Jungwon and it was only Jungwon. 

Nobody and Jungwon . He left a place to Jay, to put his name again in their duo. 

Nobody and Jungwon because Nobody could replace him. 

Nobody and Jungwon until they met again. 

Maybe it was the right time to meet again. Maybe Jungwon had grown up for two years. 

Maybe, now, Jay was waiting for him to come back.

Thus, when Sunoo sent him a message to confirm Jay was coming to the party, Jungwon made the right decision. 

                                                                                                                                      won  

                                                                                                                                 i will come. 

It was about time. 

                                                                                                                 #

blue replied to your comment on paperback writer :

You wrote: 

I finally had time to read this and I’m not disappointed. As usual, your writing is amazing, you choose the right words to describe their feelings. I love how you portrayed Draco and Harry’s relationship; they are everything I needed, everything I wanted because I see myself in them (especially Harry). 

You know this feeling when you read something so relatable you could cry. This is exactly how I felt when I read this masterpiece, it’s so cathartic and it helped me a lot to discover more about myself and about what I need to change. 

Thanks to you and your great writing style, I am more confident, thanks to you I decided to change my life and live with my insecurities. 

You are so talented and I hope you know it. 

I stop here because I could talk for hours and hours about my love for this fanfiction and your words.

I hope you still write fanfictions. 

Thank you for everything.

blue responded:

Thank you Won for your words, it means a lot to me.

I can say it now but you were one of my favorite readers, I loved how you saw exactly what I wanted to write. 

It’s funny because my story is inspired by one of my personal stories so I’m glad someone can relate as much as I do. 

To answer: yes I will write again. Writing is now a part of my daily life and I can’t live without it.

It’s thanks to readers like you that I keep trying and writing and posting so thank you.

See you on twitter I hope!

                                                                                                                 #

If there was one bad thing about having a moon in Leo, it surely was to have an enormous, gigantic, huge ego. 

Jungwon was narcissistic: he hated being compared to other people and hated seeing people succeed before him. 

Then, when Jungwon saw that the fanfiction Jay wrote for his birthday was one of the most popular under the Drarry tag, he was sick.

Writing was his thing, he wrote for many years to improve his skills and Jay just stole everything from him in just a flash. 

So, in his selfish way of handling things, Jungwon just ignored Jay for weeks. He tried so hard to work on his insecurities, to pretend he didn’t care at all about it.

But things were hard.

Sometimes a tiny voice whispered some bad things in his head such as “it's pathetic of you to not be able to have views on your fanfiction when you write for years”, “you are so boring and talentless” or “Jay is so much better than you.”

In fact, the last one wasn’t entirely false because if they switched places for a moment if Jay was the one in love with writing, the one witnessing Jungwon’s popularity on AO3 he would be so pleased by it that he would push him to continue.

Because Jay was the most gentle and caring man in the world while Jungwon was just a selfish prick. 

Jungwon’s gloominess contrasted with Jay’s brightness. 

Yes, Jay was too good for him and it was a sure thing because he knocked at his door a few weeks after Jungwon’s last message.

“Jungwon I know you are here” he whispered like he was talking to a child “Your mom told me you were hiding there but you’d never hide from me.”

Jungwon didn’t answer, he didn’t want to. 

“Okay, so I’ll continue my monologue then, I have all night long.”

He knew Jay was perfectly capable of waiting, he knew him so damn well. Jungwon decided to let him in, he deserved to know the truth: Jungwon was too toxic for him. 

He opened the door and their eyes locked. 

Jay’s eyes were red from crying and Jungwon’s feeling of guilt didn’t stop growing in his stomach. 

“Can I ?” Jay said, pointing to the bed behind him.

“Yeah, yeah… of course.”

They settled down on it, Jungwon tried his best to not stare at him, he tried his best to look relaxed but the reality was different. He wanted to push him away, Jay deserved to see the truth, how Jungwon was in reality. 

Jay deserved a better friend and Jungwon didn’t deserve to love someone as amazing as him. 

“So, why are you avoiding me these days ?” he asked slowly “Did I do something bad ?”

Of course, Jay thought It was his fault. Jungwon lowered his head as he couldn't see Jay’s eyes, couldn’t face him. 

He never saw him in this state of mind before, it seemed to be as destroyed as Jungwon was. 

“Jungwon? Please answer me.”

He couldn’t answer Jay, not in front of him, certainly not like that. Jungwon was a coward drowned in the sea of honesty. 

Jungwon was in love, it was true. Jungwon was strongly and obliviously in love with Jay. But there were a lot of problems:

First, they were friends. Best-friends. They cared about each other and shared some friends. Jungwon didn’t want to break their friendship, their bond. What if it’d go wrong? 

Then, Jungwon was in love for sure but what about Jay? What about his feelings? What if he only saw him as a friend? Worse, as a brother? 

And the last thing and the most important: Jungwon was a fucking mess. 

He hated himself. Jay was so much better than him, everything he wanted to be. 

He was handsome, cool, funny, attractive and clever. Everybody wanted to talk to him, to be his friend and Jungwon was so jealous. 

He knew being in a relationship with Jay wouldn’t suit him. It would be too hard. 

He needed to work on himself first because his own person was the most important.

“It’s not because of you Jay” he finally answered “It’s my fault”

“Not the “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of thing Jungwon. I deserve better”

Sure, he deserved to be free from him.

It was only the truth; Jungwon was the problem and he will always be. 

Jay had a golden heart, he loved everyone a little too much and he was the purest soul Jungwon had ever known. Unfortunately, people like Jay were often the broken ones in the end and the last thing Jungwon wanted was to make Jay suffer. 

Certainly, he loved him, he was in love with him, he couldn’t imagine being far away from him.

But Jungwon wasn’t like Jay at all, he wasn’t made for love stories, he could only write them but never he would be the main character. 

Because in the end, love was painful and complicated. They were great friends, why would he want to change this for maybe something which will only last two weeks or months? 

And Jungwon needed to love his own person before pushing someone else into the nightmares of his thoughts. 

Jongseong deserved to be loved…. But not him. 

Jungwon felt like he pushed him too far, it was not their first fight, their first conversation about Jungwon’s selfishness, about his insecurities. Jay knew why Jungwon was acting like that, he knew his jealousy but he couldn’t stand it. 

“You can not be envious of your friends Jungwon otherwise it’s not friendship.” He whispered, his tone slightly turning into something deeper like he was just tired of this.

“It’s not that I’m not happy for you but–”

How could he describe his tendencies? 

Jungwon wanted to be the best at everything because it was the only way he could exist in this world. 

They kept looking at each other, sometimes Jay’s gaze headed straight towards his lips which made him blush so hard he almost forgot they were kind of fighting. 

“I am happy for you Jay, really. It’s just that I constantly compare myself to other people and my mind is a fucking mess.”

“I know that, I try to help you but every time I do you push me away.”

Jay stopped looking at his lips for a minute and what Jungwon feared the most was happening in front of his very own eyes. There was a flash in Jay’s eyes which didn’t resemble love but more anger. 

“We can’t continue like this Jungwon, I can’t continue to give you everything I have, I can’t continue to give you my love if you don’t give a fuck about it.”

But I do. He wanted to say it because he did give a fuck about it. Why was it so hard?

“I know you love me Jay… we are friends.”

But I wish we’d be more than that .

“I love you Jungwon, not as a friend, I love you as a lover.” 

Time stopped. Jungwon looked at him completely shocked while Jay, even if he had said what he wanted to hear, was still angry. 

“Why did you not tell me earlier? I was waiting for this.”

Jay gave a sour laugh which made Jungwon want to cry, he hated being on bad terms with him. 

“That is your problem Jungwon, it’s always about you, only you. I was very effusive about my feelings, I always gave you enough space to suppress your anxiety but you wanted me to do everything? It’s one step forward and three steps back with you.”

And if it was hard to say, hard to cope with, it was also the truth. Jay only wanted Jungwon to feel good, to feel great whilst he just pushed his endeavor away like he didn’t care about his feelings. 

But it wasn’t the case, Jungwon loved him but not how Jay deserved to be loved. His love wasn’t ebullient like Jay’s was, he didn’t show his feelings every time, and he didn’t feel confident at all. Instead, it was only calling his feelings into question. Was he worth it? Was he worth love? Love. Love in all its entirety, its purity, in all the positivity it should bring. 

Jay stood up and looked at him with such tenderness that Jungwon could cry in an instant. All was quiet and calm and he hated this kind of atmosphere. He didn’t know if he could talk or ask him if he was okay or if he would continue to love him. 

“You are a great author Jungwon, really and I’m not telling you this because I am your friend, I'm telling you this because it’s the truth.”

He marked a pause to see the weight of his words on Jungwon, how his shoulders and hands were shaking. 

This was Park Jongseong’s trace on Yang Jungwon.

“But even if I’m here for you, you are the only person who can really help yourself. You have to love yourself, you have to see how great of a person you are, and it’s not how you act with people who try to help you that will show the best of you.”

“You have to love yourself before anything else, you are a bomb ready to explode at any time and I can’t be the one who will be hit by the explosion.”

“Jay…are you telling me this because I stopped talking to you because of this silly situation?”

Instead of answering his stupid question, he started walking into the room trying to stay calm. Usually, Jay wasn’t very impulsive but this time he was the bomb ready to explode.

Jungwon looked at his walk while he stayed silent, Jay was probably trying to find the right words, like he often did, to not sound rude even if clearly he did deserve some insults.

“It’s not only because of that, it’s the whole situation, it’s how you treat me in general. I know I should listen to Jake more often.”

“What about Jake? What does Jake have to do with us ?”

“Jake often talks about how our relationship only works on one side. I’m here for you, I’ll do anything for you but this feeling is not mutual.” 

He went towards the door ready to leave Jungwon and his clouded mind, he wanted to grab his arm to force him to stay by his side, he wanted to scream his name to call him back but everything was hard.

Jake was right, Jay will be better without him even if Jungwon loved Jay at the same level as him, he couldn’t show it as he did. Jay was worth so much better.

Jungwon had to stay alone.

“Come talk to me when you will heal yourself.”

But before reaching for the door handle, Jay turned around with red eyes and he uttered the phrase that kept haunting him for years.

“You are so hard to love Jungwon.”

And he slammed the door.

                                                                                                                 #

The room was full, dark and Jungwon had the terrible impression that the DJ was taking malicious pleasure in playing with his nerves. The music was so loud he knew he wouldn’t hear anything when he woke up the next day.

Park Sunghoon was what we can call a very rich person, his house was like a castle and his parties were acclaimed by the whole school. Jungwon heard a lot of people talking about them and he never thought he would have the immense pleasure (note the irony here) of participating one day.

When they arrived, Riki went to see Taki, one of his friends and Sunoo disappeared with Sunghoon to a room upstairs to do God knew what, at least someone would have fun.

Not him. 

Because tonight was the night. He would talk to Jay even if it was a hard thing to do, even though the idea had been keeping him awake for days. Yes, he had been a coward for two years but now he had decided that he would change for the best (one of his many resolutions for the new year).

Jungwon spent one hour lost in this big castle. It was a pretty funny situation because he had spent the last two years avoiding Jay but now that he wanted to face him, to stop this heartbreaking and never-ending fight, he was nowhere to be found.

The only areas he didn’t look for were the rooms and Jungwon wasn’t drunk enough to venture out there. A sober Jungwon couldn’t see Park Jongseong kissing another person who wasn’t him.

Not gonna happen.

So, he went towards the bar in hope of getting drunk enough to go back in search of him. And since a problem never came alone, he saw two of his former high school friends, Taehyun and Beomgyu who asked him to come nearby. Of course, he didn’t know how to say no so he accepted, even if he was afraid of the questions they could ask. Since he stopped talking with Jay people tended to be intrusive and a little bit too curious in his opinion. It was like Jay and Jungwon's relationship was some shitty tv-reality show that everyone loved to criticize and gossip about. 

“Jungwon it’s been a while,” Beomgyu said when Jungwon witnessed his hand on Taehyun’s waist “are you doing well ?”

If Jungwon decided to be honest the answer would sound like that:  “Yes, of course, everything is fine, I’m not depressed because my best friend who I am in love with doesn’t talk to me anymore.” 

But Jungwon loved to lie about his feelings, keeping them hidden in his chest, in his heart. 

“Yes I’m fine, I didn’t know I’d see you tonight, it’s always good to see some familiar faces.”

“It’s been a while It’s a good thing we-“ Taehyun started to answer when Beomgyu cut him off brutally.

“So you don’t talk to Jay anymore ?” 

Taehyun nudged him and stared back at Jungwon. 

“Don’t answer his stupid question Jungwon, he is a dumbass.”

“Hey! I’m just worried about some of my friends.”

Then, they started a little fight and Jungwon wished he was at his place watching a K-drama, far from all these people, far from his problems. He wished he had followed Riki from the beginning instead of looking for him.

Because the sooner he’d see him, he’d talk to him, the sooner he could leave this awful party with these curious people and this weird atmosphere. He stood up, glanced at Beomgyu with a furious gaze and took his glass.

“I have to go.”

He heard Beomgyu trying to apologize while his boyfriend hit him in the back of his head. He didn’t look back, too focused on his goal. Jungwon was determined, he understood that he couldn’t avoid Jay all his life, they were connected as if a line was drawn between them, a line that kept them attracted to one another, that kept them linked by fate.

He will find Jay and they’ll talk. Everything will be fine. 

Jungwon made his way through the guests, glancing to the sides to try to find the man he loved, was Jay trying to avoid him? Because if it was the case he was very good in this field.

He spotted Jake on Heeseung’s lap, the two kissed like they were the only people in the room (in Jungwon’s perspective it looked more like a make-out scene than a simple kiss because of how their tongues danced together). He also found Riki who waved at him while he was still talking to Taki, he didn’t want to interrupt him so he just passed. As long as he walked, he felt that he was closer to reaching Jay, closer to feeling him, touching him, talking to him. His hands trembled as he searched for him. 

He was pushed by adrenaline and his hope to make up. Love could be a terrible curse when he was hurt but it could also be a wonderful feeling.

Jungwon loved Jay as much as he loved to write. They were his fuel, his energy and when one of them disappeared, Jungwon’s engine couldn’t work again.

Everything was broken.

He went upstairs to look after the rooms, the ones he tried to avoid for so long. He walked slowly paying attention to the sound, he didn’t want to interrupt people who were fucking, he had enough fear for tonight.

In one room, he heard Sunoo’s non-very-discreet laugh followed by the sound of Sunghoon’s voice so he sped up to not disturb them. 

In another one, he heard Bahiyyih and his brother fighting and it wasn’t very polite to interfere with family conversation. 

He passed the other one because they were open and empty so Jungwon reached the last room, the one he didn’t look into and his heart started racing so much he thought it was gonna explode. 

It was the only place Jay could be and he didn’t know if he was brave enough to face what was happening in it. Maybe he was alone, playing on his phone.

As far as Jungwon remembered, Jay had always hated parties. Even if he was extroverted, he hated being with people who weren’t his friends, he hated the way everybody was drunk, everybody was out of their minds.

But the last time Jay was like this was two years ago.

In two years, people changed. Jungwon also changed in a way but he felt as if his transformation had changed him into someone bad. 

Thus, maybe Jay was with someone. Jungwon couldn’t stand it if he saw him with another person.

Did he replace him? 

He probably did. Jungwon was so easily replaceable. 

Jungwon took a deep breath to give himself courage and knocked on the door but nobody answered. He did it another time, again a ponderous silence. 

He didn’t have enough patience as he decided to push the door even if nobody answered him.

It meant two things: either the room was empty or the people in it didn’t want to be disturb.  And if by people it meant Jay then Jungwon couldn’t leave this party without talking to him. 

But when he pushed the door, when he saw that indeed Jay was here he wanted to scream because of the scene he had before his eyes.

It was a kind of reconstruction of the photo that Bahi had shown him during their French class but it was the worst, so damn worst.

Jay had not heard him enter, he was sitting on the sofa, shirtless but Jungwon couldn’t even check his torso out because his eyes were focused on Kim Minjeong’s fucking mouth which was kissing his neck.

And that bitch looked at Jungwon while doing it, a smile on her face, if only he didn’t have any morals he would simply hit her just to erase her petty face. 

His throat became dry, he could not produce any sound. He was having an anxiety attack because of his ego, he could have talked to him a long time ago but Jungwon was so afraid to face his mistakes. 

He wiped his stray tear with his sleeve, he didn’t even notice that he started to cry a little but his sniffing sounds alerted Jay about his presence and their eyes locked. 

For a minute Minjeong stopped her activity and stood up, her eyes wandered from Jungwon to Jay and he fought the urge to scream at her.

“Jungwon, what are you doing here?” Jay whispered as if he wanted to calm him down.

“I don’t know, I should probably let you continue your little thing.” 

He turned around but Jay stood up as well and grabbed his wrist. He tried to push him away but Jay was much stronger than him. 

“Let me go.”

“Why did you come here in the first place?”

“Sorry if I’ve interrupted your business with your girlfriend, let me go.”

“I don’t want to let you go I alre-”

“Let him go Jongseong” Minjeong interrupted him and Jungwon thought it was the first time she said something interesting “He didn’t want to be here let him go.”

Of course, Jungwon wanted to stay here, he wanted to know what Jay was thinking, and he wanted to ask questions about him and Minjeong but if he stayed here he would be crying so hard and maybe it wasn’t the right time, maybe Jay had already moved on.

Jungwon had to let him grow alone. It was too late.

So Jay let him go and Jungwon ran as fast as he could, he had the feeling he could break at any moment, he ran without looking back. When he went outside Sunghoon’s house, he sent Riki a message to inform him that he will be waiting at their apartment. He thought about Jay, thought about his touch when he grabbed his wrist but the image of Minjeong’s tongue came back and his eyes started to get wet. 

In the Uber on his way back home, Jungwon thought about everything that happened tonight, the roller-coaster of emotion he had been through. 

Didn't he deserve to be happy?

There was a fact: Jay had moved on. And even if it was hard to cope with, Jungwon had to do it, he needed to forget him.

It was true; Jay was better without him.

                                                                                                                 #

jay

jungwon where are you?

jay

please answer me

jay

she isn’t my girlfriend I swear 

jay

were you looking for me??

jay

jungwon???

jay

please

It had been one hour since Jungwon went back home, one hour since his phone kept bugging because of the notifications. 

Jungwon didn’t think he had to answer him and not because Jay was the bad guy or anything like that (because it wasn’t the case) but because Jungwon was lost. 

He began to wonder if all this was not a sign of fate, a sign to stop his desire for reconciliation, there were too many obstacles between them, they were from two worlds apart. 

But on the other hand, Jay seemed to care about him and what he thought about his neck kink with Minjeong. 

It was their first contact for two years and in some way it made him smile. Jungwon knew their relationship was kind of toxic, one day he didn’t want to talk or think about him, the other day he was obsessed with him and another day he wanted to talk and be friends again.

None of this made sense and Jungwon came to the conclusion that he was the only one who could change that. 

He was the one who wanted to talk to him tonight while he didn’t care about him at all. He was the one who couldn’t move on and Jay deserved so much better.

Jay deserved to be free.

He stared at his phone screen wondering what to answer when another message popped up but as surprising as it may be it wasn’t a message from Jay.

But from Blue.

blue

you know you are prettier when you don’t cry

What the actual fuck ?

This night will give him a headache, why was everyone behaving strangely? 

Jungwon did not intend to make a remark about his attempt at flirting.

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                you were at sunghoon’s party?

blue 

indeed, i saw you running outside, wiping some tears, i wanted to talk to you but you don’t know how i look.

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                     first how do you know what i look like ?

blue

you post a lot of pictures on your twitter you know

                                                                                                                              won                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                              fact

blue

so what happened? do i need to punch someone in the face? i’m still at the party tho

                                                                                                                              won

                                                                                                yeah punch me i deserve

blue

existential crisis?

                                                                                                                             won

            more like “i’m the worst kind of guy in the world i want to die and he deserves better” crisis

blue

you know if you want to talk i’m here, i know we don’t know each other a lot but it’s sometimes better and easier that way.

Call it destiny or any other word but if Blue had reached him tonight it was not because of a coincidence. And he was right, Jungwon was afraid of talking about Jay because Sunoo and Riki had enough, and they were sick. He didn’t feel as safe as he was two years ago when their fight was still fresh and new.

Blue was his way out, he needed to share his thoughts and feelings because when Jungwon didn’t do it he exploded to become the worst of himself.

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                 i want to warn you, it’s a pretty long story

blue

don’t worry i have all night long, the party is kinda boring 

Jungwon let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and started to think about how to explain the hell that was his relationship with Jay and all the problems they had been through.

How could he explain the constant butterflies he got because of him? How could he explain that his life wasn’t the same without him and that in particular all of this mess was his fault?

Bloody anxiety which complicated everything in his life.

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                           okay so i stopped talking to my best friend 

                                                                                  because of my shitty behavior

blue

did you tell him you missed him?

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                         no, i’m a really bad friend                        

                                                                                        and it’s more than a friendship

                                                                                         we were so close and he told me 

                                                                                         he loved me like a lover 

                                                                                         and i was too stunned to speak

blue

do you also love him?

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                               yes i love him and i always will

blue 

then why is this complicated?

why do you not just talk to him, and make things better? 

i think you should have a conversation with him

                                                                                                                             won

 first i didn’t want to because at the beginning it was my fault, he blocked me for a few months and i started to act like it was over hoping to move on. but my feelings were and are still strong i just can’t live without him. i wanted to talk with him tonight but he was with some girl, i guess he has moved on…

After sending his message Blue didn’t answer for more than twenty minutes, Jungwon started to think that Blue was annoyed by his love life. He always had the impression of ruining the mood. 

                                                                                                                            won

                                                                                 sorry i talk a lot you probably don’t care.

blue

not at all sorry, i was driving back to my apartment

so you wanted to talk to him but he was with a girl? it can be a misunderstanding, you should talk to him even if maybe he has moved on, only a conversation can calm your mind down

Blue was as right as Jungwon was right tonight, he was right for trying to talk with him. But he was just exhausted by the whole situation, it was a constant game, they played cat and dog with one another.

Jungwon was looking for peace and the only thing that could bring it to him was clearing things with Jay.

The consequences of this conversation? Only God could predict them. It could be a reconciliation or it could make things worst.

But he had to know.

And he will probably think about it right now as he heard the door being slowly opened, Riki was probably back from the party and he knew he couldn’t avoid a conversation with him.

                                                                                                                             won

yeah, you are probably right… thank you for being a great listener, i will try to think about what to do. sorry, i have to go my roommate is here 

blue

you’re welcome, don’t hesitate to come and talk to me again, i will always be there for you.

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                                           thanks <3

He put his phone on his nightstand and sighed while looking at the ceiling, Riki was struggling to take off his shoes as Jungwon could hear his annoyance, he had probably drink tonight and Jungwon hoped to swap their places to not feel the pain anymore.

Finally, Riki showed up at his bedroom door out of breath because of his battle with his shoes but also worried as he stared at Jungwon deeply.

“Hey babe, why did you leave the party ?”

Okay, he was definitely drunk.

He joined Jungwon on the bed paying attention to not fall or break anything, as he reached him Riki poked his cheek and smiled, Jungwon knew him too well to understand that he wanted to get any information he could out of his mouth.

But Jungwon didn’t even know what to answer. Why did he leave the party? Because he probably saw that Jay had moved on and that he should do the same.

He had to forget everything they had together, Jay deserved peace. So, he couldn’t leave him like this as Blue said before, he had to make things clear between them because Jungwon couldn’t heal if he’d still love him and hope to be with him. 

“Jungwon, did you talk to Jay?” Riki whispered as if he didn’t want to push him around.

When Jungwon heard his name his hands started shaking and everything that happened tonight came back like flashes of a nightmare. He started crying, placing his hands on his ears. His sudden reaction made Riki panic, he hugged him and started babying him to try to stop his panic attack but it was hard to avoid his thoughts.

“I tried Riki, I promise I tried” he managed to say after a few seconds “but I saw him with someone and I think he just moved on and-“ 

He couldn’t stop his sobs again.

“Shhhhh, don’t think about it, you don’t have to explain tonight and you don’t have to explain everything at all. Take your time, you are already brave enough Jungwon.”

Jungwon hugged him back. Riki was usually not the demonstrative type of guy; he hated to talk about his feelings, he hated to push people to open up, unlike Sunoo who was very straightforward. Jungwon couldn’t thank him enough for what he did tonight, he was his support and he helped him feel better.

“I just remembered about my letter… Why did he never answer?”

He asked as if Riki knew the reason why. The only thing his friend did was to put them together on the bed, continuing to hug and calm him. 

And Jungwon fell asleep being soothed by Riki and the sound of his sobs.

                                                                                                                 #

Two weeks had passed after his fight with Jay, after Jay slammed the door without looking back because Jungwon was jealous of his success, and since then he didn’t leave the walls of his bedroom. 

He was going through a heartbreak even if he wasn’t in a relationship with Jay, the pain was similar as it stung his heart too much and he had the strong feeling of being burdened. 

One day after his unusual silence Riki and Sunoo came to the rescue, the youngest had brought some candies and stuff that actually were more for him than for Jungwon, and Sunoo came with skincare product as if it would erase his pores just as his pain.

As Sunoo was applying some mask on him, Jungwon explained the whole story to his friends about the fanfiction, Jay’s popularity and the fight that resulted from it. Bit by bit as Jungwon spoke his friends’ expressions became more and more visible, they had the same face Jay had when they had fought, the same gaze upon him like he was insane and a lost cause.

“Okay you are even more deranged than I thought”

“Riki!” Sunoo screamed at him, completely forgetting Jungwon’s skincare.

“Don’t tell me I’m wrong please”

“You are not but you could be nicer to him, he has a heartbreak.”

“Hey” Jungwon stood up, his mask still on “technically we weren’t together so I’m not having a heartbreak”

“Yes and technically Riki and I didn’t kiss at school until he discovered he was aromantic and asexual so shut up and let us talk” 

Riki laughed and Jungwon was envious of how detached he seemed concerning his backstory with Sunoo.

Jay and he could never.

So, Jungwon listened to Sunoo while being spoiled by his soft hands, he closed his eyes to focus on his voice rather than his pretty face. 

“We know how you are Jungwon” he started his little criticism “we know that you have your little fantasies and fixations about writing which can lay all your thoughts on some insecurities but you have to also understand that it’s difficult for us sometimes.”

Jungwon opened his eyes to cope with Sunoo’s expression while beside him Riki nodded to his speech eating some chips he had found under his bed, Jungwon didn’t have the force to tell him they had expired last month.

“He is right, Jay deserved better than being ignored because he is more talented than you.”

Sunoo stopped his activities and gave Riki a black look which didn’t seem to perturb the younger one. 

The problem with Riki is that he was always right, his words were cruel and hard but so true he could never be angry at him. Sometimes, true friends had to tell the unbearable truth. 

“Just apologize to Jay, let’s get this done.” 

“But how am I supposed to apologize! He blocked me on all the social media, so I can't contact him.”

“Wait until he unblocks you, Jay can’t be angry at you for so long,” Riki added “Prepare your speech.”

Jungwon nodded and murmured a little “thank you”, he knew he had to apologize but it was hard. He hated admitting he was wrong; admitting everything was his fault but for Jay he had to do it so. 

He preferred to make a thousand steps forward rather than spend a life without him.

“How about you write him a letter?” Sunoo exclaimed shaking his hands as if his idea was the best thing in the world “you love to write and it’s so romantic”

“Ew! Are we in the fucking sixties? Grandpa Kim, we have the internet you know.”

Riki judged him as he pulled his face and Jungwon didn’t know if it was because of Sunoo or the chips' terrible taste. 

“Jungwon just said Jay had blocked him, he doesn’t have time to waste. Maybe it’s Jay last straw, maybe he is tired of waiting for Jungwon to move. It’s the first time he reacted with such rage, you should try because if you lose him you will regret it.”

Sunoo’s words interrupted the noise of the room which was replaced by a never-ending silence. They looked at each other waiting for the first one to talk. 

Sunoo was right. Jay won’t wait for him eternally, maybe it would be the last time and Jungwon couldn’t give up on him, couldn’t give up as he hoped to grow from this fight. 

“Okay, I will do it.”

His self-professed adviser took him in his arms to punctuate his answer, Jungwon could feel his friend's worries. 

It wasn’t just about Jay and Jungwon, everyone will suffer from this situation Sunoo and Riki in the first line.

“Take a few days to think about your words, you have to say everything you want to say, everything you couldn’t do in these past years. Talk about your feelings, tell him you love him as much as he does and mostly write an apology.”

Jungwon nodded, writing a mental note of Sunoo’s advice.

“Give him the letter in person, even if it’s hard he will show how much you care about this situation.” Riki added, “You can do it dude, fighting!”

They raised their fists to cheer him on and spent the rest of the night trying to relax a bit, Jungwon couldn’t thank his friends enough for everything they did, he now understood how much they needed each other.

Like this a few days after their meeting, Jungwon knocked on Jay’s door. 

As he waited for him, he checked his looks and face on his phone’s reflection, he could read the fear in his very own eyes, the fear of the last chance. 

He knocked again on the door, his hands shaking so bad he needed to breathe slowly. He thought about his friend's advices and all they said about this letter, it was for the better.

But when the door opened it wasn’t Jay in front of him.

It was Jake and he didn’t seem happy to see him. 

“What do you want, Jungwon?” he asked, his voice as cold as ice, Jungwon never heard Jake speak like this, it was new and it made him feel bad.

“I just want to…” 

What did he want tho?

To answer his question, he showed the letter in his hand trying his best to not fall on his knees from stress.

“It’s for him.”

He didn’t want to say his name and he didn’t need to, Jake clearly understood to whom he was referring.

“I’ll take it” Jake pulled the letter out of his hands and Jungwon didn’t know how to react. Did he need to take it back? He wanted to give it to Jay, not one of his friends.

“I want to give it to him, personally.” 

Jake chuckled looking at the envelope and their eyes locked. If one gaze could kill, Jungwon would probably be dead right now, Jake seemed to hate him so much plus he probably thought that he was too bold to have some constraints on top of that.

“Jay isn’t here at the moment” he finally answered, “he is in Seattle to see his family for the rest of the vacation.”

“But the holidays just have started.” 

Jungwon’s guilt grew in his stomach like he was the worst person in the world because Jake’s words and tunes were as violent as they were provocative.

“Maybe someone made him leave the country by his selfish attitude.” 

He lowered his head to look at his shoes, and Jungwon had the feeling of being reprimanded like a child caught in the act.

So Jungwon, even if he wasn’t a child, couldn’t reply to Jake that he deserved all of this, it was just the truth.

“Jake! I will start another match if you don’t get your butt over here” Jungwon heard a voice in the apartment and he recognised Heeseung, Jay’s other best friend. 

Since when did the two of them know each other? 

“As you can see I’m awaited. Hoping never to see you again, bye!”

Before closing the door, Jake waved the envelope in his hands to show that he had not forgotten his mission.

Jungwon was once again alone but he felt better as he did all he had to do, now he just needed to wait for his answer.

But in two years, Jay never replied.

                                                                                                                 #

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                             hey! thank you for yesterday, really you helped me a lot, i’m thinking about what to do because there are some things that kept haunting me but you were good support.

blue

yw, anytime, what is bothering you?

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                             it's just that i wanted to talk to him but i tried to do it when we fought and he never replied so maybe he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. i’m overthinking this shit, i don’t want to be selfish this situation is because of me 

blue

by trying to talk to him wdym???

                                                                                                                             won

                                                             two years ago i sent him a letter to apologize    

                                                and talk about my feelings for him but he never answered

blue

are you sure about that?

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                                  of course i am

blue 

maybe the letter got lost

                                                                                                                             won

                                                  i doubt it i gave him in person, not him but one of his                       

                      friends from decelis was at his house while he was in the US to see his family.

blue

oh

                                                                                                                            won

                                                                                                                           what?

blue

just maybe

maybe

this “friend” never gave him the letter for obscure reasons

                                                                                                                             won

                                        or he had read the letter but just didn’t want to talk to me ever again

blue 

yes but you will never know that

go talk to him, please

                                                                                                                            won

                                                                                                            yes i’ll try, thank you

Jungwon was still on his bed, Riki sleeping on his right, their fingers intertwined like he was afraid of letting him go. 

He needed to talk to Jay, it was a fact and he was tired of this stupid game they loved to play for two years. He thought about what Blue just had told him, what if Jake had never given him the letter? 

Jake met Jay at Decelis, in their first year then Jay made them meet and at the beginning everything was fine, they enjoyed each other's company a lot and even hung out without Jay when he was studying.

One day, something broke between them. Jake became more suspicious and more calculating. Jungwon would love to know the reason for this sudden change. 

But things remained unclear, echoing the rest of his life, Jungwon was never allowed to have answers. He was left in the fog of his thoughts.

“Jungwon, are you awake?” Riki suddenly asked in a tiny voice, he kept one eye closed to accommodate the daylight that was hitting the room.

“Yes I am you dumb, I was waiting for you to wake up”

“Sorry my dear Won but I was a little bit drunk” Riki tittered as he was the first time he get wasted, from the huge dark circles under his eyes to the tremors of his hands Jungwon understood it would also be the last time.

“Don’t worry I was checking my phone meanwhile”

Riki gawked like an idiot as if he just remembered the existence of his phone, rapidly he took it and suddenly widened his eyes.

“Oh shit Sunoo won’t attend his classes today, he is not feeling well either” he rubbed his temples “I think I will stay here as well, alcohol is definitely not for me.”

“Don’t leave me alone please” Jungwon made the Puss in boots eyes and it was over, twenty minutes later they were all clean walking in the corridors.

“I hate that I can’t say “no” to you”

“You don’t have this problem with Sunoo.”

“Because he is more annoying than you and I love to tease him.”

Jungwon chuckled, he was used to their bickering, even when Sunoo wasn’t there Riki took any opportunities to annoy him, it just showed their bonds and how much they care about each other.

Still a little bit sleepy, Riki shuffled along incapable of following him around, Jungwon hated being late in class, he made the promise to never miss a day (except of course if he was sick but Yang Jungwon was never sick) and it wasn’t because of a stupid party that he will break up his promise.

“Please Riki hurry up a little bit. I can't believe we only have one class in common and of course, it has to be the only day you have a hangover.”

“Don’t worry, Kim Namjoon’s pet won’t be late.”

“Fuck you!” 

Jungwon could see the door of the amphitheater they were looking for but they could not reach it because a herd of students blocked the entrance, Riki looked at him from the corner of his eye an ounce of questioning in his gaze.

“What the fuck is happening here?” 

Suddenly, they heard a “boom” and the crowd became larger and larger.

“They are fighting!” Some girl screamed and Jungwon recognized her as Hikaru. “Park Jongseong and Sim Jaeyun are fighting!”

Riki and Jungwon glanced at one another, would you believe this kind of thing happened only when Jungwon was nearby? 

He decided to join the crowd and Riki followed him, why would Jay and Jake fight? 

As soon as they saw them, they were shocked by the scene, Jay was grabbing Jake’s collar so hard that he nearly hit his head on the locker, the latter tried his best to calm his friend down but Jungwon observed Jay’s gaze, he never saw him that angry, it was like a flame was dancing through his gaze.

When their eyes met, he let go of the collar of his shirt and the flame lost its liveliness.

Jay wasn’t angry anymore, he was sorry but not for Jake… for Jungwon.

It was like everybody could cut the tension with a knife.  Jungwon was looking at Jay. Jay was looking at Jungwon.

He wanted to touch him, to calm him down, to know his struggle. 

“I’m here for you Jay” the words were stuck in his throat.

Jungwon knew Jay wasn’t a violent person, he always forgave everyone for everything and anything, it was his way of showing his love; his patience and forgiveness were the reason why he was loved.

So if Jay wanted to beat Jake’s ass, it was deserved.

Jay stopped looking at him for a second and turned his gaze upon Jake, the boy was also looking at Jungwon like he was afraid of what Jay would say. He looked like a stray dog, his eyes were nearly crying and begged Jay for forgiveness.

“I’m sorry Jay I’m sorry, I should have told you, it was for your own good and-“

“Shut up” Jay cut him off “I don’t wanna listen to your stupid excuses and don’t embarrass me in front of…them.”

Jungwon could swear Jay looked at him again but he didn’t want to be paranoid. 

Riki elbowed him to get his attention then Jungwon leaned over him, always focused on Jay and Jake. 

“I should have stayed at our dorms.” Riki whispered pointing to the door of the amphitheatre “it seems like professor Kim isn’t here and I don’t want to witness a murder.” 

Jungwon nodded lost in his thoughts, what was the reason for this sudden fight?

“We should go.”

“What? Why?” Jungwon now faced Riki.

“They are fighting, it’s none of our business.”

And for the first time of the day, Jungwon regretted forcing Riki to come to class, it was sure that if it was Sunoo they would’ve stayed and would eat popcorn in front of the whole fight.

Riki grabbed his wrist but at the same time, someone caught his attention.

Lee Heeseung was standing in front of Jay and Jake's arms crossed, he looked at Jay without paying attention to Jake.

“Okay we are staying here,” Riki said, letting go of his wrist “things are gonna be interesting.” 

It was a known fact that Heeseung and Jake had a little thing (even if it was a burning obsession for Jake and just casual sex for the other).

But Heeseung was Jay’s best friend and in no world he would not take his side even against the best booty call in the world.

“Calm down Jay” he approached him slowly and put his hand on his shoulders “don’t make a scene for this asshole.” 

Jake seemed as shocked as the crowd; Heeseung publicly ruined his relationship with him by insulting him and Jungwon was happy that someone was finally making him shut up.

“I’m sorry Heeseung, I swear I am.”

Jake continued to apologize to Heeseung (even if he wasn’t the victim) but the latter didn’t even respond once, he pretended Jake didn’t exist and Jay slowly calmed himself down. 

Finally, Jay decided to leave and he slipped through the crowd not without giving a gentle look to Jungwon as if something had arranged everything that had happened.

“Heeseung, I’m not an asshole, you have to understand me.”

“You know to whom you have to apologize.” 

And without further ado, he followed Jay.

Jake seemed destroyed and Jungwon would almost feel sorry for him if it wasn’t about Jay and the fact that Jake was always mean to him.

But the boy looked at him again.

“I’m sorry Jungwon” he said on the verge of crying, “everything is my fault.”

Then he ran away as if he was afraid of Jungwon's reaction.

“What the fuck?” Riki screamed looking at him running.

Yes exactly, what the fuck?

                                                                                                                 #

annoying bitch #2

you won’t believe what we just witness sunoo

annoying bitch #1

???? tell me more

why is this always when i am not here

annoying bitch #2

jake and jay fought in front of everyone

annoying bitch #1

and fuck my hangover 

what happened?

annoying bitch #2

we don’t know why they were fighting but i think it’s about jungwon, they kept watching him and jake even apologized 

annoying bitch #1

i need to ask hoon, they are roommates after all

annoying bitch #2

oh hoon?? already on the nickname thing 

annoying bitch #1

oh shut up 

sunghoon told me they already fought this morning

annoying bitch #2

how the fuck did he respond that fast?

annoying bitch #1

he is with me that’s why

btw he also told me jay insulted jake then he run from their apartment and so they continued the fight in the halls

annoying bitch #2

so you are sick for school but not for your boyfriend 

annoying bitch #1

he is not my boyfriend, you know I don’t do this

but be nice to him, you have information thanks to our “thing”

annoying bitch #2

fine…

does he know why they fight tho??

annoying bitch #1

nope but why would it be because of won??

annoying bitch #2

good question

won are you dead ???

annoying bitch #1

you aren’t with him?

annoying bitch #2

nope mr.kim wasn’t there so won went to the library to study

our perfect hermione granger

                                                                                                                             won

                                                            i wish i were dead but i’m here reading your nonsense

annoying bitch #2

which nonsense??? it’s just the truth you saw how jay looked at you and how jake apologized

it’s not usual and you know it

you just don’t want to see the truth

annoying bitch #1

did you talk with jay ?? did jake do something to you???

                                                                                                                            won

                                                                       no, not all, that’s why i can’t believe it’s because of me

                                                                       nothing changed, it’s still a silence                      

                                                                       a break from our relationship. 

                                                                       i’m still jungwon without jay, we didn’t talk.

                                                                                                     (yet?)

annoying bitch #2

yes but you should for the love of god, we are sick of it and i know you are as well

annoying bitch #1

it’s about you jungwon 

                                                                                                                            won

                                                                                   how do you know you weren’t even here

annoying bitch #1

sunghoon just told me after i cunningly wormed information out of his mouth

jay read something on his phone which was about you and something jake did to you so he went crazy and ran into jake's room for more information

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                    wtf??? jake did nothing to me

annoying bitch #2

jungwon please

the turning point was this morning

so what did you do at this moment??

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                      nothing i was just checking my phone

annoying bitch #1

what were you doing?? were you talking to someone?

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                                   yes to blue why?

annoying bitch #2

blue again….

annoying bitch #1

what exactly were you saying to each other?

it’s important 

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                       we were just talking about my relationship with jay 

                                                                       and the fact that he never replied to my letter

annoying bitch #2

seriously jungwon, you talked about it with someone on the internet, did you not listen to adult advice with strangers on social media??,

                                                                                                                             won

                                                  i could have spoken to you if you just weren’t sick of this shit

annoying bitch #1

we are sorry jungwon… we know it must be hard for you but this story takes so much place in our lives that it can be complicated for us as well

annoying bitch #2

what did blue say about the whole story??

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                              idk why it will explain something

annoying bitch #2

please jungwon

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                           he just say that maybe

                                                                                                     jake didn’t give jay the letter

annoying bitch #2

…..

annoying bitch #1    

omg jungwon 

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                                            what??

annoying bitch #1

don’t you find this weird at all???

blue talked about jay and jake with you and just after the two fought in the halls

??? wake up

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                   what exactly are you trying to tell me?

annoying bitch #1

to open your eyes

blue knows jay for sure, he told him everything 

annoying bitch #2

it means that jake is a fucking bitch

i hope heeseung drops his ass

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                       impossible, i’m not dumb,

                                                                                                       i didn’t say any names to blue

                                                                                                       he doesn’t know my ex best friend's name is jay 

annoying bitch #2

maybe blue is jay 

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                                        so funny

annoying bitch #2

idk jungwon i’m just trying to help you 

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                        yes sorry i’m just a mess

                                                                                            i don’t understand anything that happened

annoying bitch #1

if you don’t know and you are lost just ask him

go and meet him

you wanted it so bad

just ask blue and finish this whole story

                                                                                                                            won

                                                                                                                           okay

                                                                                                       i’ll talk to blue and then i’ll talk to jay

                                                                                                              to end this fucking story

annoying bitch #2

HALLELUJAH!!!!

annoying bitch #1

;) you can do it #proudmom

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                              shut up (i love you)

Jungwon was so lost. 

He trusted Blue, he truly did. But now that he was putting the pieces together, everything made sense.

Blue was connected to Jay in any way. Jungwon didn’t want to think about Riki’s message because in no fucking world Blue could have been Jay. 

It was not possible. 

But Jungwon liked to torture his mind as if he wasn't already suffering enough on a daily basis, he made every possibilities, tried to link Jay’s personality with Blue’s. He thought about their discussions and what he had learned about him and some things clicked maybe too much for him to not take fright.

He couldn’t be focused during his classes, his mind was far away from Decelis, it was focused on this possibility. 

He had to end this thing; once and for all.

So, during the break, he took his phone and wrote to Blue. If things weren’t clear they will be in the next few days, mark his words. 

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                                     we need to talk

Blue almost responded immediately as he was waiting for him. 

blue

yeah i think we should

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                                what do you propose?

And by that, Jungwon meant “do you want to meet me IRL, show your face if you dare to.”

blue

we should meet

are you free tomorrow night???

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                                            i am

blue

okay then 8pm in the room 35A batiment 4

nobody will come i know it’s free

and dw i’m not a psychopath trying to kill you

It wasn’t Jungwon’s biggest fear at the moment, in fact, he hoped Blue was a psychopath trying to kill him, it would be less difficult to understand.

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                                          perfect 

blue

see you tomorrow i guess

                                                                                                                 #

If someone had told Jungwon that he was gonna be there, he would have laughed at their faces. Now that this thought was in fact true he questioned his own existence, was he cursed?

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice louder than expected.

Park Jongseong was in front of him, in the room Blue had told him to come to, at the same time. Jungwon didn’t have time for this game to continue, he wanted answers and he would get them. 

He didn’t even let Jay answer his question and asked another one. 

“Did Blue send you off?” 

But Jay wasn’t as impatient as Jungwon was, he didn’t answer him and instead took place on the chair in front of him. 

His gaze burned him as he stared into his eyes but Jungwon didn’t want to look back not when he needed answers, not when he was in the dark.

“Why did you not answer my last message?” and now it was Jay questioning him.

Silence.

“The one after Sunghoon’s party when you left me.” Jay continued and Jungwon felt his gaze upon him again.

But he vowed not to answer him until he did first.

They were still silent for a few minutes, Jungwon checked the time on his phone: Blue was three minutes late and Jay was here.

Jay was here. Not Blue.

“How long will you ignore me?” 

“Did Blue send you off?” he repeated to show that he was waiting for him to answer, always looking at his phone.

Jay sighed and finally chuckled.

“Who are you laughing at?” Jungwon put away his phone and looked at him for the first time. He saw a smile appear on his face, Jungwon would never confess that he found him beautiful.

“Finally you are looking at me, Yang Jungwon.”

He didn’t react to his words, they couldn’t act like two years ago. After all that happened, Jungwon still needed answers and to have a serious discussion with him. 

But first, he needed to talk to Blue.

“Please answer me, Jay.”

He stopped smiling and stopped looking at him. Jay seemed to be searching for the right words to say.

Was Blue going to come? Or was it a setup to force him to talk to Jay?

“Blue didn’t send me.”

“So do you know him?”

Jay bit his lips still avoiding his gaze, he seemed stressed and it made Jungwon anxious.

He wanted to end this as quickly as possible, he wanted to settle this situation. He wanted to tease Jay, to hear his laugh, to share their darkest secrets like the reason for the fight he had with Jake.

Now they acted like strangers who met for the first time.

“Yes I know him.” 

But Jay didn’t look at him yet, Jungwon felt his heart speed up in his chest, his body reacted to Jay’s silence and it was like it interpreted his words to understand their meaning.

Jungwon won’t listen to his doubt and how his body reacted. He wanted answers and the one he waited for, not another hidden truth.

Finally, Jay looked at him, his eyes pierced him so much as if we wanted to tell Jungwon the truth with them.

Jungwon wanted words, sentences, he wanted action not a game of mischievous eyes.

“Jungwon…”

Then he thought, he thought a lot, repeating Sunoo and Riki’s words. 

“ Maybe Jay is Blue ” Riki had told him, but it couldn’t be true right?

Jay couldn’t be Blue. It wasn’t possible in any universe.

Blue and Jay couldn’t collide, they were too much different.

Jay was Jungwon’s first love, his best-friend, the one he had lost because of his selfishness.

Blue was Jungwon’s role model, his reference, the one who catharticised his emotions in his writing.

But if it was the truth it meant Jungwon could only fall for the same person over and over again even if he tried to escape the power he had on him.

Jungwon was intoxicated and Jay seemed to be the poison but also the cure.

“I’m gonna write to Blue, I will tell him to meet us and we will all clarify the situation.” 

He tried to reach his phone but Jay grabbed his wrist.

“Jungwon please…”

“Are you afraid?” 

Jay let go of him not without giving him a look full of anxiety.

Jungwon didn’t care at all, the answers were at his fingertips, so he could almost touch them.

He hoped deep inside of him that everything was just the fruit of his imagination, he didn’t know how he would react if, in fact, Jay was really Blue.

Because he had told Blue everything about Jay, about his feelings and if he was Blue then it made things easier but at what cost? Jay knew all along it was him, he played with him to gain his trust and knew the truth.

So, Jungwon took his phone with trembling hands.

                                                                                                                             won

                                                                                                                   come and meet me     

But Jungwon’s heart broke when he heard the sound of the notification from Jay's phone and the way he took it to write back.

blue

i’m already here.

Jay was Blue.

Jungwon felt like his head was spinning while his legs were shaking, he tried so hard to process the whole thing.

But it was hard, even more with Jay’s burning gaze on him. He looked at him with fear in his eyes, Jungwon didn’t know if it was about what he would say or about Jungwon’s reaction but he was glad he wasn’t the only one worried about this meeting.

In silence, they continued to stare at each other, it was as if they rediscovered themselves. Jungwon looked at every part of his body from his astonishing gaze to his sharped jaw. He gave himself permission to look at him again as if during these past two years he wasn’t allowed to do it, as if Jay being Blue broke all the limits he had given himself.

Because Jay was always here and will always be.

Jay was Blue.

Thinking about it, it made sense. 

In his wording, Blue was as gentle as Jay, he wrote emotions perfectly as if he was the one feeling them, no one else had succeeded in making Jungwon vibrate with his writing.

No one but Jay.

Jay finally decided to break the ponderous silence.

“Jungwon, I can explain everything.”

He didn’t know if he wanted to listen to Jay, he did deserve some explanation but he was afraid of his own reaction.

He didn’t want to lose Jay, to lose their relationship and what they had. He wanted to erase the past to move forward but this new piece of information could destroy everything he had hoped for.

“Are you angry?”

Jay’s  voice was soft and warm like at Sunghoon’s party but Jungwon felt it wasn’t exactly the same tone, this time Jay wanted to show his goodwill.

“I am.”

Jongseong lowered his head as if he was disappointed by his answer but Jungwon didn’t want it to feel bad, he was angry for sure but this anger was only temporary, he couldn’t lose him again it wasn’t good for his mental health but he was also not fair.

Jungwon hurt him and then Jay hurt him by lying to him.

They were quits.

“But” he added which made Jay looked at him again “I want you to explain everything”

He nodded and Jungwon seemed less stressed, maybe Jay being Blue would make things simple, Jay already knew what he thought about him, how much he wanted to talk to him. 

But he didn’t know how Jay felt.

“I’m so sorry Jungwon, it’s  just that I started to write after our…” he marked a pause, afraid of speaking about the sudden break of their relationship “our fight… But when I was trying to publish the last chapter I read my comments and I came across yours and I was so surprised to see you reading my fanfiction”

“So you created your twitter account?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

The fact that he had created it for the specific purpose of talking to him put a smile on his face.

“You know” Jay continued avoiding his gaze “I didn’t want to tell you I was Blue because our fight was because of my writing, I didn’t want to push you away.”

Jay was just afraid, afraid of Jungwon's reaction while he shouldn’t be, Jungwon had been insane to react that way and he loved how Jay wrote, how Blue wrote, he was just jealous of Jay’s success but not Blue’s one.

Jungwon had always been the problem in the relationship.

“You shouldn’t be afraid Jay” saying his name again in this circumstance made him shake to the core “You shouldn’t be afraid of your talent and how I should react, you should think about you first. You are your priority.”

He was supposed to be angry at him for lying about his identity but in fact Jungwon was touched. Jay, even with the distance, kept thinking about his reaction and how he could potentially push him away.

Jungwon understood that during these past two years, he maybe wasn’t the only one suffering.

And it was like Jay was surprised by Jungwon's reaction, he seemed perplexed as if at any time he would scream that everything was a joke and that he didn’t forgive him.

They kept looking at each other and Jungwon wanted to embrace him, to see if he was real and not another one of his dreams he constantly had lately. Jay was here and real.

“I wanted to talk to you too, you know” Jay said breaking the silence “but I never knew you wanted to talk to me, I never heard about this letter until yesterday and that is the main reason why I didn’t tell you I was Blue.”

Jungwon saw Jay’s knuckles becoming red as he clenched his fists, the mention of the letter did something in his stomach.

So, it was true. Jay had never read his letter, he never knew how Jungwon felt. He had never read his apologies, the words he had taken a long time to write, where he juggled between scratches, rewrites and tortures.

His insane thoughts concentrated in a tiny piece of paper that Jay never had read.

“It’s because of Jake, when you told me…” Jay marked a pause taking care of wording his sentence correctly “I mean when you told Blue about it, I was so surprised. I never knew you wanted to talk to me.”

“But Jay…”

Their eyes met again and Jungwon felt his heart beating in his chest. He needed to tell him how much he missed him, how much he missed this; their whole interactions, their bond.

Jungwon wasn’t the same without Jay.

“I love you…how could you think I wouldn’t want to talk to you?”

He felt his eyes stung, under the pressure Jungwon couldn’t control his emotions but he wanted for so long to tell Jay his feelings.

“Please Jungwon don’t cry.”

But he cried even more and he suddenly stood up, he wanted to leave because Jay shouldn’t see him being weak, he couldn’t let his emotions control him.

Though Jay stood up as well and broke the distance between them, he closed the gap and took Jungwon in his arms. At the beginning he was hesitant and didn’t want it to be reciprocal but as he felt his torso on his and the tenderness on his arms around his waist he relaxed and let Jay approach him.

“I missed you so much Jungwon.” He murmured and Jungwon could swear he heard some sobs.

In response, Jungwon hugged him even tighter as if he was afraid of letting him go a second time. Jungwon should have done this two years ago but around that time he was the immature and selfish Jungwon. Right now, looking back, he bitterly regretted what he had done.

Jungwon wasn’t the same anymore.

Even if he didn’t love himself yet, Jungwon had understood during his absence that Jay should not be in his life to love him instead, to love him twice as much but that he was there to complete his own love.

“I’m so sorry Jay” Jungwon was the first one to explode “I’m sorry for all I did to you.”

“Don’t you hate me?” 

“Why should I hate you?”

It was a real question. He understood that Jay had lied to him but it was only fair right? Jay lied to him trying to approach him even if he never read that letter. 

Jungwon should be glad to have him back by his sides.

Jay stopped hugging him for a second and wiped away Jungwon’s tears with his thumb, Jungwon loved the attention and felt his cheeks turning red right after it, the attraction he had for him never faded away.

“I don’t know, I just lied to you about my identity and I tried to learn some things about you.”

“If you have forgiven me for my shitty behavior I can forgive you for trying to get in touch with me.” 

Jay was smiling like he was about to laugh from Jungwon’s answer and he couldn’t blame him, in fact he finally understood what he did wrong.

More than anything in the world, Jungwon wanted to chase that stupid laugh with his mouth, he never wanted to kiss him so badly and it could be his release, a relief after all that happened.

And when Jungwon saw Jay biting his lips it was the point of no return. 

“Can I?” Jungwon asked him looking straight to his lips, he didn’t need to ask the whole question, Jay knew what he asked for.

But he didn’t answer him, instead he just pressed his lips against his and Jungwon reciprocated at the speed of light. 

First, the kiss was chaste and soft, Jungwon didn’t know what to do, he was paralyzed by fear, afraid of how he should react and he didn't want his first kiss to go wrong. He had waited so long for this moment but Jay seemed to know better and took the lead. 

Everything came fast and Jay was leading his hands to his waist, grabbing it firmly as he was waiting for this a long time ago, Jungwon let him do what he wanted he let himself be carried by the heat of the action. 

Their teeth clashed together, it was no longer chaste, they lost control as if they had restricted themselves during those two years, Jungwon wanted to touch him, placing his hands under his shirt, testing the firmness of his skin, its realness.

Jay bite his tongue making Jungwon groan with surprise. But he loved the feeling, loved the heat of their bodies, loved the little sounds Jay made and loved how good it felt.

He was really kissing Jay.

He didn’t want to stop kissing him too afraid of it being the last time he could but the lack of air was too persistent and they both needed to breathe again.

So, Jungwon left Jay’s mouth despite already missing the taste of his lips between his.

“I’m glad to talk to you again” Jay murmured, always grabbing his waist.

“Me too, I thought this day would never come.”

Shyly, they entwined their fingers together, Jungwon never felt that happy before. Meeting up with Jay again made him feel great.

When Jungwon stopped talking with him he also stopped breathing, stopped living, these past few years had him underwater, unable to be happy, to move on ; now that they had forgiven each other and made a clean break with the past : his engine could work again.

Jay smiled and Jungwon couldn’t resist kissing him again.

                                                                                                                 #

Jungwon had taken up writing again, the inspiration came back as soon as his relationship with Jay had been arranged. 

This time, he didn’t even bother to compare himself with Jay, it wasn’t like this anymore and he didn’t care about it at all.

Surprisingly, his fanfiction became even more popular since he cared only about his writing and not others, as if Jungwon had always been his one and only obstacle to the way of success. 

Things with Jay were in fact not as complicated as he had imagined, Jungwon remembered when Jay and he came together at the lunchroom, Sunoo and Riki were so shocked that they didn’t even finish their meals.

Of course, Jungwon had been interrogated by his two friends once he arrived at his dorms. 

He was doing well.

Jay and he didn’t want to put a label on their relationship, not yet. In fact, they felt it was too soon to talk about a relationship, both had been so hurt that they needed time to build something healthy.

Even if they weren’t “together together” they put some rules : they were totally exclusive to each other.

“That means no more neck licking with Kim Minjeong.” Jungwon had said to him during one of their discussions about this topic.

“Oh my god I will never beat that “neck lick kink” allegations.”

“I’m afraid you won’t”

“Don’t worry you can just lick my neck if you want.”

Jungwon had hit him with each of his laughs.

Yeah, Jungwon was doing pretty well.

This two years break had taught him so many things about his personality and the way he saw himself. 

He didn’t try to please Jay (because you were not supposed to change for the people you loved) but he just tried to erase all of his toxic behaviors. 

He let Jay have time for himself, he let him write and even congratulated him when his fanfictions were acclaimed. He wasn’t his rival or anything, he was like a co-worker and he loved to listen to his advices. 

Jungwon didn’t make any difference between Blue and Jay, they were the same person, he both loved and admired them. By the way, he had almost fainted when Jay suggested they write a fic together.

Writing a fic with his kind-of-soon-boyfriend and his favorite author? Of course he would.

Everything was fine.

By staying with Jay, their two groups of friends started to collide into one so he started to talk with Heeseung again. It felt weird at the beginning but the oldest had immediately put him in confidence as expected from him. Jungwon also talked to Sunghoon for the first time and he was surprised as he noticed that he was in fact really shy, which was surprising as it wasn’t Sunoo’s usual type. But who was he to judge ?

The only thing that remained at least mysterious was Jake. Since they started to talk again, Jay had never mentioned his name, never had seen them talk or interact. To tell the truth, Jungwon wasn't even sure he'd run into the Australian again on campus.

“What about Jake?” he dared to ask once they were alone “do you have some news?”

Jungwon felt a little responsible for their argument and his guilt grew a little more when he saw Jay's glazed look at the mention of Jake’s name.

“No” Jay sighed “I don’t want to talk about him, maybe one day I'll tell you about it but I just want to think about the good times.”

In response, Jungwon kissed his forehead and cuddled up to him. 

Jungwon learned to be patient, he didn’t blame him for wanting his little private world. As long as he had him by his side, everything would be fine.

They had all the time in the world.

Because Jungwon loved Jay and Jay loved Jungwon.

And it was all that mattered.

                                                                                                                 #

Blue and wonie04 posted a new work: 

and they meet again (36473 words)

by Blue and wonie04

Chapters: 1/1 

Fandom: Harry Potter (Books)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences 

Warnings: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings 

Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter

Characters: Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter

Additional Tags: Alternative universe - College/University, sexual tension, childhood friends to strangers to lovers, they are so whipped, like us, angst because we love to suffer

Summary:

People come and go, Draco had learned during his life. But he didn’t know that losing his best friend, the one he loved, would be so painful.

So Draco wrote, to forget about him, to move on.

But maybe, writing will be able to connect them again.

Because soulmates always return to each other.