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It was a Friday evening, the late-September Hawkins fields had morphed into palettes of orange and red hues. The air was colder and crisper, the leaves fallen and still falling. Crops like pumpkins and corn lined the bleak horizons, Halloween looming somewhere around the corner.
Steve, Eddie, Robin and Nancy had developed a tradition of Friday movie nights, the host changing in weekly rotations. This week however, Nancy and Robin both had their respectable Friday plans, which left Eddie and Steve together huddled in Eddie’s living room. They had bags of popcorn sprawled across the floor and mugs of hot chocolate clutched in their hands. Eddie was sitting with his limbs stretched out in all directions on the couch, whereas Steve sat with his knees up close to his chest, arms around then loosely.
Eddie was only half paying attention to the movie he had selected (host got the privilege of picking a movie of course) and mainly just watching Steve across the couch. His reactions and confused comments were far more entertaining than the plot anyway. He wouldn’t have ever imagine having Steve over alone in his trailer, but there was no awkwardness between them. Surviving the near end of the world seemed to be a pretty good ice-breaker and now they were, you know, “trauma-bonded” as the kids said. They even had matching scars and all, and in Eddie’s mind that was pretty fucking metal.
It was only because he was watching Steve with such intensity that he noticed. Most of the lights in the trailer were turned off, courtesy of being able to actually see the movie on the small, banged up tv, but there was one lamp in the corner which remained lit.
And about an hour into the movie, it flickered, which Eddie hardly noticed, because the bulb was probably just a bit dodgy, it happened all the time, but Steve definitely noticed. Not only did he notice, but he froze, immediately stiffening up.
And then the stupid light kept flickering and Steve looked like he wasn’t breathing, he was so still.
Eddie sighed casually, moving from his comfortable place on the couch, and sauntered over to the lamp to switch it off. It was kind of annoying to see in his peripheral view.
“Sorry ‘bout that, faulty bulb probably.” He said and planted himself back onto the couch, but the sudden shift in weight on the couch made Steve actually flinch and Eddie had no idea why.
“Hey,” Eddie called softly, seeing the way in which Steve was staring at nothing and still didn’t look like air was actually going into his lungs, “You good?”
This seemed to snap Steve from whatever haze he was in, as he blinked a few times and took in a staggering breath.
“Yeah, yeah,” Steve mumbled quietly, not looking him in the eye and standing up, “Gotta pee.”
Which left Eddie alone with the movie, which he didn’t mind at all-
Until it had literally been twenty minutes and Steve was still in the bathroom. Eddie gave him the benefit-of-the-doubt for a while, but once the twentieth minute had passed and he heard absolutely nothing from Steve he decided to check on him.
Maybe Steve had slipped and split his head open, or had had a heart-attack, or had been fucking possessed, oh god not again-
“Steve! You okay there man?” Eddie knocked quickly onto the door, trying to keep the panic out of his voice and soothe his racing heart.
There was no response, which did absolute wonders for Eddie’s gnawing anxiety and the dread pooling into his gut.
“Steve, please, just say if you’re okay.” Eddie whined, knocking aggressively again, “Steeeeeevvee!”
Met with silence once again, Eddie sighed and slid down onto the floor next to the door, feeling overwhelmed with anxiety yet not wanting to just burst through the door. He hit his head on the back of the door in resignation and closed his eyes, but then once his ear was close enough to the door, he thought he could hear something. Eddie shifted closer to the door and pressed his ear against it, and heard ragged breathing through the closed door.
Steve, athletic, basketball, sportsman Steve, was breathing raggedly- holy shit he was possessed.
Eddie immediately hopped up once again and slammed himself through the door, effectively snapping off the old, rusted lock.
“Oh my god Steve, holy shit- shit, fuck- are you okay?” Eddie stuttered as he saw Steve hunched over the bathroom sink struggling to fucking breathe. Steve’s eyes widened drastically, as if he didn’t even register Eddie’s panicked shouting from before, and he stumbled backwards, away from Eddie.
“Fuck- can you breathe? Jesus, um, is it Vecna? Code-red?! Steve talk to me buddy.”
A complete new, startled look came across Steve’s face now, and he shook his head in response.
“Not- not Vecna.” The gasping boy got out, albeit quietly. “Just stupid. Panic. I’m fine.”
“Panic? Panic? Jesus Christ Steve, why did you lock yourself into the bathroom alone? How long have you been-? Never mind, here, come here.” Eddie slowly walked over to where Steve had backed himself into a corner, bringing up his hands in a calm, placating way.
Eddie put his hand slowly onto Steve’s shaking shoulder, hoping that he would find it reassuring, and succeeding.
“I- I’m fine. Go. I’m fine.” Steve repeated, despite the fact that he was obviously leaning into Eddie’s touch and still hyperventilating.
“Okay big boy, let’s try take a few deep breaths, hm?” Eddie ignored him and reached down to take Steve’s hand and place it onto his chest, as he took exaggerated, long breaths. “Breathe with me.”
Steve looked away in embarrassment, but followed Eddie’s breathing, slowly starting to calm down his rapid breath.
They spent many minutes in silence, just breathing. Steve’s hand was warm on Eddie’s chest, feeling his pulse and the soothing rise and fall as he inhaled and exhaled. He still refused to look Eddie in the eye, stubbornly starting at the tile wall instead, but Eddie was grateful because he was sure that if those doe eyes were staring into his while they were standing so close together, he wouldn’t be able to resist blushing. The bathroom wasn’t big at all, the enclosed space felt intimate, it was a quiet moment that Eddie had never experienced with Steve before. It was serious, and strangely loving.
Once Steve was no longer actively hyperventilating, he let his hand drop, and Eddie suddenly missed the warmth from it’s presence. He finally turned to face Eddie, and Eddie was surprised to see slight annoyance on the other’s face.
“You broke your lock.” Steve said so matter of factly that Eddie almost laughed.
“Yeah, and?”
“You shouldn’t have come in. I would’ve been fine.” Steve shot back defensively.
“Steve, you were hyperventilating, I thought you were, like, dying or some shit.” Eddie reasoned, genuinely confused as to why Steve was angry right now.
“Well, I wasn’t and I told you I was fine. Jesus.” He began pacing around the very limited space, running a hand through his hair, stress crossing his features.
“You weren’t fine dude-”
“I would’ve been fine! I’ve been dealing with this alone- Listen- You shouldn’t have come in-” Steve began rambling and Eddie didn’t miss the way that his breathing started picking up a notch once again.
“Hey, hey-” He reached out in attempt to soothe the boy or at least stop him from causing another panic attack but Steve visibly flinched away from Eddie causing him to freeze.
“Don’t touch me!” Steve yelled in the most heartbreakingly broken voice, unshed tears filled his eyes that still held remnants of panic within them. Eddie would’ve been hurt, but given the circumstance he knew Steve wasn’t in the best state of mind right now.
“It’s just- why would you come in- I was fine. This- this is so fucking embarrassing.” Steve brought another hand through his hair roughly, and then turned to stare at Eddie more seriously, his hands shaking and face white with fear, “Eddie. I’m not crazy, I swear- I just- you know- it’s- it’s like a condition or some shit. Please don’t- don’t tell anyone because I’m really okay. I’m not- not fucking crazy.”
Eddie felt his heart drop as he heard the way in which Steve spoke, the way that the other boy was actually scared of how Eddie would react.
“Steve…” Eddie mumbled sadly, trying to smile reassuringly but failing miserably, “It’s okay. I understand.”
“No, no- you don’t understand. You’re going to go and tell the kids- the fucking kids that I’m insane and not trustworthy and weak and pathetic-” Steve gestured around wildly, “And the thing is you’d be right, okay?! You’re right! Maybe- maybe I am losing it, because I see one light flicker and suddenly it feels like I’m dying, even though those kids have been to hell and back and- and they just act like normal and I can’t even do that!”
Eddie physically had to restrain himself from reaching out to hold onto Steve’s shoulder, or take his hand, or anything. He felt at a loss for words. He didn’t realize Steve actually thought so little of himself.
“Stevie, please just listen to me.” He said slowly, finding Steve’s gaze again and holding it firmly, and although Steve obviously gulped, he nodded for Eddie to continue. “You’re not weak for feeling this way. It is perfectly normal to freak out over what might seem like nothing but was really fucking traumatic before. And those kids? Hell, they are like on the compete opposite end of the spectrum of normal.”
Eddie laughed lightly, and then finally caved and placed his hand over Steve’s, which was resting atop of the sink. He felt trembling going through Steve’s hand and he sighed deeply, trying to find how to articulate what he wanted.
“Listen, I’m not gonna tell the kids. Not because it’s weak or shameful to have a perfectly valid reaction to a situation, but because that’s really not my fucking place man.” Eddie sighed again, closing his eyes to recall the conversation, “And just because you’ve been dealing with it alone before, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve other people just trying to help too.”
All of the tension suddenly fell out of Steve and he winced, turning over his hand to interlock it with Eddie’s.
“Shit man, I’m sorry for yelling. I know you were only trying to help, I just- no one has ever done that before. I kinda freaked out.” Steve admitted and boy wasn’t that depressing for Eddie to hear.
Despite that, he smiled down at their joined hands, feeling his face blush and his heart kick up a notch, and he coughed to try and cover his heart hammering in his chest.
“It’s fine. Really.” Eddie looked at Steve with sudden seriousness, “Steve, it’s okay.”
Steve met his brown, doey eyes. His face was slightly flushed, those cute little freckles sprinkled across his face and his lips were slightly parted, as he nodded.
“Okay.” He responded slightly dazed. Eddie became all too aware of the lack of space in his cubicle-like bathroom, their hands still intertwined, and the quiet breaths that they shared. Eddie cracked a small grin and squeezed onto Steve’s hand, testing the waters.
“You’re okay.” He repeated. Eddie watched as Steve’s nonchalant appearance started to crack and how he bit on his lip as it started to tremble.
“I know.” He whispered, looking away and blinking quickly. Eddie could hear the staccato in his breath, the wetness in his voice, but he didn’t back away or try and lighten the mood.
“Can I give you a hug?” He asked instead, gently. Steve scoffed, huffing a brief laugh, but grew quiet once again when he realized Eddie’s seriousness. The other boy didn’t say anything, but he gave a slight nudge of his head and leaned towards Eddie, and that was good enough for him.
Eddie slowly wrapped his arms around Steve, gently rubbing circles onto his back as he felt the way that Steve hid his face into Eddie’s shoulder, despite the fact that he was taller than Eddie. He carded a hand through his hair and held him tightly, feeling the warmth of Steve flush against him. He felt as the other boy sniffled, and how his tears wet the crook of his neck. It was only more devastating to see how damn quiet Steve cried. If the room wasn’t so silent and they weren’t standing together so close, Eddie doubted he would even be able to hear the soft breaths of Steve’s, the near impossible quietness of his tears.
“It’s okay Stevie. It’s okay, let it out.” He mumbled and continued to just hold Steve. He had a feeling that the other boy wasn’t used to it much. That he needed it.
Minutes passed, maybe more, to the point where Eddie’s legs were aching by the time they finally moved from the bathroom back onto the couch where the movie was long abandoned, credits rolling indifferently.
They were no longer in each other’s embrace, but Steve had reached out for Eddie’s hand as they walked over, and neither of them had let go since.
“Does Robin know?” Eddie asked quietly, cautious to breech the subject once again, to break the carefully curated safe atmosphere that they created.
Steve hesitated and sighed heavily.
“No.” He admitted meekly, “But it’s not like I was hiding it- well, maybe I was, but I wouldn’t have minded if Robin found out. It’s just- it doesn’t really happen that often, so it never happened in front of her.”
“Okay.” Eddie reassured him, “And do you know what causes it? You mentioned the flickering lights?”
Steve stared out into the space between the couch and the tv, seemingly not focused on anything in particular. Eddie waited patiently for his response, rubbing soft circles onto Steve’s thumb, grounding him.
“You don’t have to say if-”
“No, no, it’s okay. Sorry, it’s just… hard.” Steve screwed up his face in concentration. “It’s random, stupid things like the lights flickering. And another I think is getting high, you know, cause of the Russians.”
“The Russians?” Eddie prompted curiously.
“Oh. I guess you weren’t there yet for that one.”
“Jesus Steve, do I even want to know?” Eddie laughed nervously at the idea that Steve had trauma related to Russians and getting high.
“No, no it’s- it’s a story for another day.” He smiled, but Eddie clearly saw the deflection and pain behind it.
“Okay, that’s fine. No weed for Stevie then.” Eddie joked, but then turned more sombre, “Anything else I should know though? When did this start? Did-?”
“Listen-“ Steve quickly cut off Eddie’s rambling, “I just- I’m not trying to avoid this conversation, but can we talk about it, like, tomorrow or another time? I’m just really fucking tired now.”
Eddie supposed that made sense since Steve had just spent the better half of an hour hyperventilating in the bathroom, and just smiled softly. He was curious by nature, and also of course concerned for Steve’s wellbeing, but when he searched Steve’s eyes he didn’t find any hesitance or shame, just pure exhaustion.
“Sure Steve. But we will talk about it again.” Eddie compromised, not wanting to let it slide too easily, but also not wanting to wear the boy out anymore than he already was. It was almost funny how slow Steve was blinking now, clearly trying to keep sleep at bay, and he even cracked an adorable, cat-like yawn.
“Yeah… I know.” He mumbled somewhat sadly, stretching up and cracking his back casually, before leaning back onto Eddie’s arm.
By this time, it had gone dark outside, the only thing illuminating the trailer park were the dim lights hanging on some roofs and poles. All the lights were on in Eddie’s trailer, bar that one treacherous, flickering lamp, effectively wearing away the darkness from inside. Eddie could see the shadowy outlines of the trees in the forest nearby, somewhat adding to the ambience of the cozy trailer living room. He couldn’t tell if the stars were out tonight, due to the roof above him, but he hoped they were. He hoped they were shining brightly, looking down at him and Steve and keeping them safe from the monsters of the world, of their minds.
“Hey, remember what I said?” Eddie poked softly at Steve’s arm, causing his brown eyes to wander up to meet Eddie’s. “It’s okay, Steve. It’s going to be fine.”
“Thanks.” Steve smiled lopsidedly and shuffled even further into Eddie, his face completely against Eddie’s arm in the most endearing way possible. Eddie didn’t think Steve was the most outwardly tactile guy before tonight, but it seemed that some sort of dam had been broken and that once they started touching there was no going back. Not that Eddie minded at all, he loved Steve’s warm, physical presence, and just hoped that it wasn’t purely a result of exhaustion that would dissolve away once Steve got some much needed rest.
“Should we move to the bed, get some sleep?” He suggested lightly, although Eddie really didn’t want to move the weight on his arm.
“Can I just… never mind…” Steve trailed off quietly.
“What is it big boy?” Eddie nudged him reassuringly.
“Do you mind if I just..?” Steve didn’t finish his sentence before he proceeded to fully lay onto Eddie, head resting in his lap and feet up on the couch. Eddie immediately stiffed up at the sudden change.
Steve Harrington was laying in his lap.
Steve Harrington was laying in his fucking lap.
“Sorry, the bed is just so far…” Steve said meekly, not sounding sorry whatsoever. Eddie still remained frozen, staring down at Steve like he had two damn heads. His brain couldn’t handle this, fuck his heart couldn’t handle this. There was no way Steve was willingly laying his head in his fucking lap, hair splayed out against Eddie’s knees and arms loosely holding onto one of his legs.
After noticing his silence, Steve back drew quickly.
“Sorry, you can tell me to get of it you want-“ He leaned forwards to get off, but Eddie brought up hand to gently push Steve’s head back down onto his lap, ignoring his heart pounding in his ears.
“No, no, sorry, this- this is fine. Great.” He said attempting to relax. “Nothing better than a pretty boy laying in my lap, Steve. This is the dream.”
Steve relaxed again, shutting his eyes and giving a noncommittal hum. He shuffled further into Eddie’s lap, completely drained of all of his energy.
For a while, Eddie just sat there, watching Steve’s closed eyes and his chest rise and fall rhythmically. He looked so young, resting on his lap, the tension and stress that normally found its way into Steve’s body fizzled away as he relaxed completely, melting into Eddie’s hold. The couch was too small for both of them to lay down, and Eddie knew that if he fell asleep here he would wake up stiff as hell, however he couldn’t really bring himself to care in that moment. Nothing else really mattered, because Steve Harrington was laying in his lap, and he felt something warm and domestic nuzzle into his cold, cynical heart. Eddie felt lucky to be alive and even luckier to be friends with the high school grade-A asshole.
He wanted this moment to last forever. To take a picture with his mind and seal it away somewhere safe and personal, because it was beautiful. He didn’t want the sun to ever rise again, because maybe then, when Steve was more himself again, when he didn’t need Eddie to calm him down and lie on, Eddie would be alone again. Steve would be alone again.
He didn’t want either of them to ever be alone anymore. Eddie didn’t want to let Steve suffer in silence anymore, he swore to himself that he would look out for the other boy and show him care and love. Eddie always knew Steve Harrington was beautiful, but he had never seen just how human he was.
Just how in need of caring like every other person, despite the way he rejects it.
The stars were watching Eddie and Steve, as the lights and life of Hawkins slowly faded into darkness. The moon shone brightly as Eddie tilted his own head back, his own tiredness catching up to him and fell asleep still holing onto Steve’s hand.
Maybe Hawkins was cursed, maybe the tragedy of the past few years had changed these boys forever, maybe they would never be fully okay again.
But they both survived.
They both survived and now they huddled together, sleeping away the misery, the pain, embraced in each other instead.
These two boys were only starting to learn about each other, they had so much life and love ahead of them, and for these two boys, the monster stayed away, even if just for one night.
Little by little, one night at a time, maybe they could heal.
Together.