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Every other Friday, it's toys and clothes in backpacks
Is everybody in, okay? Let's go see Dad
Charlie always hates second weeks. It's not like they're a bad thing, at least, not for the kids anyway. They seem to enjoy every day, luckily. Charlie doesn't want to take that away from them by being a downer just because of his own feelings.
Plus, the thought of them being always happy is giving a balm to his ever frazzled sanity and constant anxiety at the moment as his hands automatically pack their school bags for Monday as he'll be seeing them in the afternoon and not in the morning like normal.
It's Friday afternoon now and Charis, Luca and Aurelia are happily playing outside in the courtyard of the slightly smaller ground floor flat he's found himself in after selling the house and getting the mortgage repaid on it split equally between him and Nick. It's a far cry from what they once had in many ways, but it's all he can do right now till he's back on his feet. Even if it's been almost 12 months since he promised himself that.
Shaking himself off too dispel the thoughts more than get rid of them (as he's tried that hand it makes them worse), he quietly walked from the bland, beige kitchen to the back door to call out for them to come inside and get ready to go see their father for his weekend with them.
Same time in the same spot, corner of the same old parking lot
Half the hugs and kisses, they are always sad
He practically gets his ears talked off by the time he actually gets to their meeting destination with them. Apparently, Nick's wanting to teach Luca to swim again, which will be terrifying for both parties involved most likely like last time, but at least he will not be there to witness it unlike before. As well as that new tidbit of information, he's gotten Aurelia a new princess dress for her birthday that he missed due to work and Charis is hoping to learn more French words as best he can while they are together.
He shouldn't be jealous that they love Nick, it's unreasonable and it's just his bitterness that's been hovering around since last year. He loved him too once (and still does, though he won't admit that for his own good and others), he knows how they feel. Nick's...something.
He's not surprised that Nick turns up at 3:45PM on the dot, like always and the entire back seat of his tiny Prius become a wall of noise that's only curbed by releasing the pack of children turned wild animals in school uniforms with overnight bags and school backpacks laden in their arms as they jump at him excitedly and his arms wrap around them while his smile sets Charlie spinning again like it always has.
We trade a couple words and looks and kids again
Every other weekend
It's only when Nick notices him standing there still that his face drops a few scales down on the enthusiasm metre and he clears his throat. "Hi."
"Hi." The word feels extremely sour in his mouth and it almost makes him wince in place as they stand 5 feet from each other awkwardly. God, even hellos still had meaning after everything they'd gone though. Would it ever stop hurting? "You look good."
"So do you." Nick nods back, stubborn freckles that he'd not grown out of since his teenage years moving with his now 30 year old facial expressions as he struggled to continue the conversation, despite not needing to. "Have you been seeing your therapist still?"
"Yeah, he's been...back for a bit now." He almost lied, but felt a ball of acid build up in his gut at the thought of lying to Nick again. He was pretty sure that he'd done enough of that given they were in this situation. "Still has shit rugby tips though."
Thankfully, the nervous joke lands and it makes Nick laugh and Charlie holds onto that sound like it's a good cigarette. "Yeah? Tragic. Needed to know if he thought the Falcons were going to win against London in the premiership this week."
"Too bad." Charlie smiles awkwardly and an unreadable, but rather sad movement flashes across Nick's face before it's gone again moments later. "Uh...Aurelia has a recital at her dance school on Thursday. She'll most likely ask you if you can make it, but I figured I should prepare you beforehand."
"Yeah, yeah, thanks. I'll talk to her about it. I should be able to make it, but I'll check with my work to confirm beforehand and call you if you need to receive tickets." Nick nods wiftly, seemingly catching the note in Charlie's voice that says that he's done with being social for the day. "Enfants? Come say bye to your Daddy, please."
There's a few tears from Charis when he does say goodbye and leave, but eventually, he drives out of the parking lot covered in ASDA green and tries not to lose his shit behind the wheel so he can just get home and crash without having to think about the fact that he's just left his kids with his former partner and best friend and he hates himself for it.
Every other weekend, very few exceptions
I pick up the love we made in both my arms
Nick loves second weeks. Sure, it's unfair that this is now the new normal, but to see his kids (and Charlie) again after not seeing them, if that makes sense. He's just in a weird place right now with everything, given he used to see Charlie every morning and now he just doesn't anymore, waking up to an empty 2 bedroom in the suburbs of Leeds.
It's been a year and he's still wondering just how to live, which sounds dumb as he's a 30-year-old bachelor with good enough looks to pull anyone he wanted, but when you are a bachelor with 3 kids under 10 years old and still pining for your ex-husband, trying to start a new relationship with anyone is fruitless.
It doesn't matter, however, as all that angst falls away when he sees them waiting in the corner of the local supermarket car park and he just lets them rush into him, pretending in his deepest of minds that he's just coming home from work, as that's what it feels like.
He talks to Charlie, or at least tries to. Charlie's always been standoffish, even if over the years, he's gotten better at expressing his feelings about things. He pays the sympathy card just to prod at him one more time so he'll stay longer and actually gets a joke out of it, but the moment is gone sooner than he would like and he's gone again, elusive as the wind.
It's movies on the sofa, grilled cheese and cut the crust off|
But that's not the way mom (Daddy) makes it, Daddy (Papa), breaks my heart
He tries not to feel dejected as he hauls all 3 pint-sized troublemakers into his own car and takes them back to his place so they can set up their things. Charis is always paired with Luca as they're closest in age while Raia has her own bed in the bedroom all of them share adjacent to his. Most of the time, they never fight, but there have been a few squabbles here and there he's had to get in the middle of at ungodly hours.
Dinner tonight is apparently grilled cheese sandwiches according to Nick's rather empty refrigerator and no matter how hard he tries, he just can't get it right enough to be considered Charlie standards by any of his kids.
Of course, the reason that his weren't as great was really because of Charlie perfecting them to assist in the treatment of his eating disorder, but he would never tell the kids that. They wouldn't understand so young and he didn't want Charlie to get upset so he wrestles with his stove to get something edible and puts a move on to distract them at least, from his inner turmoil.
I miss everything we used to have with her (him) again
Every other weekend
It's only when he's put them to bed with no less than 3 different bedtime stories that he finally has a breather to himself and just falls back onto the bed in his pyjama pants, shirtless, legs hanging off as he looks up at the stark white ceiling like it had the answers he wants.
I can't tell her (him) I love her (him), I can't tell him I love (want) him
Cause there's too many questions and ears in the car
He wishes they could have gotten to that point, slowly toeing into the conversation of just...why. Why did they split up? Why did they not talk it out like they used to with other problems? What happened between them after dating non-stop through the final years of school, university, beyond? What could have gone so wrong to cause this?
So, I don't tell him I miss him, I don't tell her (him) I need her (him)
She's/He's (He's) over me that's where we are
Sadly though, he's not sure Charlie would have answered him at that time, not with the kids milling around them excitedly anyway. Just like the eating disorder, they wouldn't understand all this properly until they got older. They only had so much concept as to why they were being ferried from one house to another.
We're as close as we might ever be again
Every other weekend
He pinches his brow in frustration as the thoughts tumble around in his head like the waves of the ocean back in their collective hometown of Herne Bay. He just would have to make it work for now and try again next time. That's all he really could do. Right now, he just needed to enjoy the time he had with the kids. He's got them for 3 days pretty much and time is precious, so he just takes his socks off and goes to sleep. They have a big day tomorrow.
Every other Saturday, first thing in the morning
I turn the TV on to make the quiet go away
It's too quiet on both Saturday and Sunday. Usually, it's filled with screeching laughter and hurried footsteps smacking the tiled or wooden floors at speeds that should be causing injury and yet, not. A hundred things to do at once and no time to do any of them despite having enough time to do all of them. Life is just completely confusing.
It was the confusion that hit him first when he finally woke up around half-noon to silence, before the remembrance set in and he sighed, pulling himself out of bed and stumbling into the kitchen to pour himself some tea, switching the TV on to some random news channel that drowned itself out in the background as not to feel just so...alone.
I know why but I don't know why we ever let this happen
Fallin' for forever was a big mistake
He can safely say that he didn't miss being lonely. It was harrowing, being as lonely and as stripped down as he felt in high school after all the shit he'd gone through. Somehow, Nick had managed to not only pick him up, but continually be at his side too, a presence he could never shake and would get used to far too quickly.
Paris, Mallorca, Isles of White and Mann - no matter where they ended up, domestically or not, they were always together. They had seen each other through the toughest times, like when Nick was studying to be a teacher and failed an exam due to getting the flu and had to work two jobs in order to get the money to retake it, or when Charis was born and handed off from an exhausted Tori's arms with the realisation they were now first-time parents hitting like a freight train into a wall. Plus the other kids and all the moments between that.
Where did it go wrong for them? Everything seemed to be working out, on the surface at least. Sure, they had their arguments, but they were all petty and stupid and barely anything to turn into something that could pull them apart. Was falling for something that had sounded like forever when they were teenagers just some big mistake they'd made? He honestly didn't know.
There's so much not to do and all (Sunday) day not to do it in
Every other weekend
Sipping his tea, Charlie just sighs depressingly as he stares out of the nearby window and right into a rosebush that takes up almost the whole view, a tiny slither of sunshine poking through and onto the living room floor before he ambles about, starting to clean now that it's settled in that the 3 aren't around to make it even messier. Hopefully, that'll keep his mind occupied for a while. Be nice if it could keep him tied down to Monday afternoon, for a change.
Every other Sunday (Monday), I empty out my backseat
(Wait while) While my children hug their mother (father) in the (that) parking lot
Monday morning brings a sullen Nick up to speed with the world as he packs lunches and stores school supplies where they originally belonged while he listens to the kids attempting to put on their uniforms as quietly as they can. In fairness, he did say he would take them for breakfast if they were quiet enough not to wake his neighbours, so more fool him.
He can't help but shed a tear as he sends them off to their school, watching them as they run in and leave him behind, work already calling him to ask where he is when he forgets to leave the parking spot he's sitting in for a while near the gate.
His shift finishes thankfully at lunch today, which is what he was hoping for as he sneakily drives back to the school and quietly observes all 3 kids jump on top of Charlie, whose waiting for them outside in the gaggle of parents that have shown up steadily as it got closer and closer to 3 in the afternoon.
We don't touch, we don't talk much, maybe (nor) goodbye to each other
As she (he) drives away with every piece of heart I've got
He's done this quite a few times and never been caught, but for once, his game is quickly found out as Charlie meets his eyes from across the road and both startle before Nick's hurriedly back in his car, peeking to see if he's still looking before he seems the small car already backing out of it's spot and driving away, making him smash his head against the steering wheel in anguish. Good going Nelson.
I re-convince (want to convince) myself we did the right thing
Every other weekend
The drive back to his house is long, arduous and unfortunately, silent, save for his phone constantly pinging with texts from friends, his Mum and coworkers. He knows they did the right thing, he knows that he wasn't in his rights to check on them, but he can't help it and his reasoning is sound. They're his kids as well, Surely Charlie can't be mad at that?
I can't tell her (him) I love her (him), I can't tell him I love (want) him
Cause there's too many questions and ears in the car
His phone ringing makes his question all of that as by the time he picks it up after pulling over, Charlie's name is in his call logs almost 5 times and he swallows nervously before pressing the answer button and forcing himself to put it up to his ear. "Hi."
"Hey." Charlie's voice is raw and it sounds like he's been crying. Several minutes go by and Nick can practically feel his hairs standing up on end before finally, he speaks again, quiet this time. "I'm sorry, I just, I saw you and I didn't mean to be so weird and I-"
"Char, it's fine." Nick tries to soothe, shaking his head even if he can't see it. He can imagine Charlie having a small panic attack, maybe in a bathroom somewhere and it breaks his heart all over again. "I shouldn't have been there, I overstepped and I broke the rules we made. I just wanted to make sure you and the kids were okay and I should have just gone home-"
"No, no, you have that right, you are their Dad and I should have gone and talked to you instead of diving like a spooked rabbit into the car. I'm just overreacting-"
"Charlie, no, you aren't. I'm the one who needs to be sorry. For a lot of things I suppose."
So, I don't tell him I miss him, I don't tell her (him) I need her (him)
She's/He's (He's) over me that's where we are
Charlie goes quiet at that and it takes Nick's heart half a second to start beating again as he sighs, his sniffling echoing in the receiver as he can hear Charlie starting to calm down and swallowing. "You aren't the only one."
"I can start first if you'd like a personal therapy session. I have been taking lessons from the school chaplain, you know, cause' I'm cool as hell like that."
Charlie's spluttered laugh eases the widening of the cracks in his chest and it makes him smile sadly as he listens to him attempting to control it in order to speak. "I wouldn't be able to afford you as a counsellor."
"You're priceless to me, Char." Nick admits, the atmosphere becoming heavy again despite the tone he had injected into it to lighten it. "Always will be. You and the les doux."
We're (Are we) as close as we might ever be again
Every other weekend (?)
He hears Charlie take a breath in at the statement. He's always been a loud thinker and even several kilometres apart, he can hear Charlie's brain being as scattered as his is. As they grew up in Herne, Tao's ability to read Charlie had washed off on him and if he was right, if he could possibly have preserved some of that magic, he wanted it to work right now so he could reassure himself that Charlie was actually thinking about them.
Yeah, for fifteen minutes, we're a family again
God I wish that he was still with me again, every other weekend
Only that hope came crashing down when Charlie finally talks, his voice emotionless and flat as he did so. "Thanks. For stopping me from going into a spiral. Sorry for overreacting."
Nick's jaw clicked as he swallowed deeply back, a blooming of sadness spreading throughout his chest and body. He wanted to shout, beg for Charlie just to /talk/ to him, say something relating to them that didn't involve the kids, just anything to do with their relationship and what was left of it, but he knew he couldn't push him as pushing Charlie was like pushing a brick wall on an angle. You just got nowhere once it was created, protecting Charlie from hurting as he'd been hurting from numerous factors his whole life. He'd just have to hope one day he crumbled again and he could get back in somehow to plead with Charlie's heart for lenience to speak. Till then-
"You're welcome, Char." He finally breathed, barely registering Charlie muttering something that included "Bye" before the line was dead and he was back in silence again, the setting sun drenching his car in a rather low cover of light that brought out the shadows.
He hated this. The unknowing. Would Charlie ever let him in again? Would they talk this all out and finally start thinking like proper adults? Could they go back to being like they used to be? If only he really knew. He just wanted to cry and almost did, but resolved that he wouldn't be doing that of all things in a car parked on the side of the road. Home was better for that.
Turning the key as he drove away again, Nick just settled into the foreign feeling of loneliness that Charlie was also never used to, leaving his real feelings tucked away in that 15-minute stretch of golden time where they were a full family again. That was where they needed to be and where he stayed in the corner of his mind as he dreamt the night away.
One day it might be real again. One day maybe. One day.