Archive of Our Own

Han Jisung was an average student.

He graduated high school in 2003 with his best friend, Lee Felix. Together, they applied for the same college and by some miracle they both got in. Jisung got accepted as a music major whereas Felix is a dance major. 

Jisung roomed with his friend Seo Changbin who was in the same music department as him. He would stay up until the wee hours of the night producing music with Changbin along with their producer friend; Bang Chan. The three of them made music for fun when they weren't already swamped with loads of homework. Jisung’s friends always complain about how hard the three of them worked but Jisung wouldn’t change it for the world.

Jisung put in a lot of work, to be where he is today and he couldn’t be more grateful. Even though, his parents were doubtful of his career at first. They'd always wanted him to become a doctor or lawyer of some sort- but no matter what, Jisung always followed his passions.

Jisung has a decent number of friends, makes passing grades, and lets loose on the weekends. Honestly, there really isn’t anything too out of the ordinary for him.

Except for him and his best friend Lee Felix.

Currently, Jisung is walking across the campus, making his way to his best friend’s dorm. The wind lightly blows across his face as he makes speedy steps away from the classroom of his recent lecture. Jisung keeps his gaze down, not bothering to look at the faces of stressed and slacking students alike who quickly passed through the campus. Jisung barely notices when he arrives at Felix’s place, but Jisung supposed it made sense for him, considering he already knows the way to Felix’s dorm by heart. 

Jisung is just so tired. He really needs to forget about his class, his horrible professor, and the extra-work load he was bound to be swamped with. And he knows spending time with Felix; basically, a human version of vitamin D, will do the trick.

Jisung reaches into his left pocket and takes out Felix’s dorm’s spare keys before he makes his way inside. He hangs his jacket on the coat hanger. takes off his shoes, and makes himself at home. Felix’s dorm is practically his second home with how often he came by.  The moment Jisung steps inside, he notices the strange silence of the apartment- Except for the few barks of laughter coming from Felix’s room, meaning the boy is probably watching some silly YouTube video. This also meant Felix’s roommate is most likely out of the house, visiting one of their other friends.

“Finally, I was wondering when you’d come by.” Felix says, looking up from his phone as Jisung opens the door to his room.

Jisung immediately launches himself onto Felix’s bed with a loud groan that muffles into his pillows. Felix chuckles from beside Jisung. The other boy didn't bother to look up from the bed, since he was already able to sense Felix’s shit-eating teasing smile.

“Tough day, huh?”

Jisung finally arose from the bed and took in a deep breath after nearly suffocating from the constraints of Felix’s pillow.

“It sucked. My professor finally let me re-do the assignment but now I have a test coming up on top of that. Not to mention it’s worth 60% of my final grade. He’s evil.” Jisung rants.

Felix chuckles at Jisung’s small forming pout.

“He sounds evil.” Felix agrees, gaining a nod and smile from Jisung.

“Yeah, he really is...but how was your day?”

Felix sighs.

“Not much better, my instructor is making me re-do the entire choreography I made for the assignment right before the cut-off, which doesn’t even make any sense.”

Jisung hums in agreement as he moves to wrap his arms around Felix. The other boy seems to melt at Jisung’s touch and puts another arm around Jisung in return.

“Did you ask Minho for help?” Jisung asks and Felix nods his head. Minho was Felix’s roommate who also happened to be a dance major. He is insanely talented and is also a close friend of Jisung’s.

“I did but he thought taking his cat to another check-up was more important, even though Dori just went to the vet three weeks ago. You know how he is.”

The two boys laugh in agreement and at the thought of Minho and his cats. Their laughing calms down and Jisung lets out a quiet sigh.

“Ah, this school is really trying to fuck us over.” Jisung mumbles onto Felix’s side.

Felix hums with a frown, however his expression suddenly brightens as he moves to face Jisung.

“That’s true, but we’ll find a way get out of this together just like how we got in this school together.” He promises making Jisung smile.

Jisung remembers being in high school and anxiously waiting for his acceptance letter with Felix right by his side. He remembers saving up the little money he had with Felix to move into their new dorms. He remembers being excited with Felix when he found out their dorms aren’t too far from each other despite their different programs.

Then, Felix is leaning down, inching closer to Jisung’s face. He places a soft kiss on Jisung’s cheek before gently pulling away. Jisung felt his heart swell up with warmth and love for his best friend.

That was the thing with Jisung and Felix.

They were always affectionate with one another. They had been that way for as long as they knew. Maybe it was because both of their love languages were physical touch, however Jisung couldn't deny that the way they were with each other differed from the average best friends. The two could always be caught cuddling, giving each other back hugs, or even giving an occasional kiss on the cheek or forehead. Now, Jisung never thought it was strange before and over time it became normal for him and Felix.

But was it bad that he wanted...more?

Jisung was almost 100% sure he didn’t have feelings for Felix. He loved him. He loved him so much, but just not in that way. All the hugs, kisses, and cuddles were purely platonic for Jisung and he assumed it was the same way for Felix. The two had never really talked about it but there was really no need to. Jisung was happy and satisfied with the way things were with Felix and he wouldn’t want anything to change. So why, why did he want to have more- do more with his best friend?

Jisung easily shook the thoughts out of his mind. That just wasn’t something best friends do.

“-isung? Jisung??” Felix calls snapping him out of his thoughts.

“H-huh?”

“You spaced out there for a second, you alright?” Felix questions with such worry and care laced in his voice.

“Yeah, It's nothing. Just thinking about that assignment.” Jisung says with a pang of guilt for lying to his best friend.

Felix scrunches his eyebrows, clearly understanding that he wasn’t telling full truth but let it go anyways.

“You know, if only there was a way to make our professors loosen up on his a little.” Jisung continues.

A small smirk and devious look appears on Felix’s face and Jisung can already tell he’ll need to shut down whatever Felix is thinking.

“…Maybe there is a way-”

“Nope, I’m not doing that.” Jisung interjects.

“Hey, I didn’t even say anything.” Felix whines.

“Do you really need to?”

“Just hear me out,”

Jisung gives Felix a look but lets him continue anyway.

“You know, there’s more than one way to get on a teacher’s good side. Sure, you could do extra work, get all As, and be a suck-up. Or you could do something a little more interesting-”

“Felix, I’m not sleeping with my professor.” Jisung plainly states.

“It works! I’m sure your professor is only on edge because he’s probably on the brink of divorce and wants a little more excitement in his sex-life. That’s where you come in!”

Jisung rolls his eyes so hard he was sure it’d get stuck in the back of his head.

“And how would you know that, have you tried that for yourself?”

Felix blushes, being caught in his own web of lies.

“Well, no…but it always works in the movies!”

“I’m sure it does, but this is real-life Lix!” He yells exasperated. “I’m not going to have sex with my professor— I haven’t even had m-my first kiss yet…”

Jisung is the one blushing this time, realizing he admitted something he hadn’t quite meant to. But it wasn’t like Felix didn’t know anyways.

“Wait. Seriously?” Felix gawks.

Jisung must be as red a tomato by now.

“Don’t act like you don’t know Lee Felix!”

“Y-you’ve never told me this before! What about that one guy in grade 10?” Felix questions referring to some stupid high school relationship that barely lasted.

“That lasted for like what- a week?”

“How come you never told me this!?”

“Because it’s embarrassing!”

Felix stops himself once he realizes how embarrassed Jisung really is.

“Hey, it’s not that bad Jisung, a lot of people haven’t had their first kiss yet.” he assures.

“I’m 22, Felix, a sophomore in college! I should’ve had my first kiss by now.” Jisung hides his face in his hands.

“Well, then we’ll make it happen.” Felix says so suddenly and seriously Jisung immediately looks up.

“And how am I gonna do that- no I’m not kissing my professor.” Jisung says before Felix can even open his mouth.

“I wasn’t going to say that…well, that was plan B but- why don’t you go on some blind dates?” Felix suggested.

Jisung fought the urge to roll his eyes for the second time.

To be honest, Jisung hadn’t thought or been interested about dating much. Sure, he’s had maybe three relationships in his life but all of them were stupid middle/high school relationships that eventually failed. As Jisung got older, he never felt the need to be in a relationship. He’d found people attractive at times but never had he wanted to pursue a romantic relationship. Which confused him.

“I don’t really want to kiss or go on a date with some stranger. I’d rather do something like that with someone I know…” Jisung admits.

“Someone you know…” Felix echos, thinking up a plan to himself that Jisung is not excited to hear.

“What about Hyunjin? You two seem to have good chemistry, plus he’s single.” Felix suddenly asks.

“Chan’s roommate? Ehh I’m good.”

“What about Seungmin?” Felix references a mutual friend of theirs.

“The literature major? He’s nice but I wouldn’t want to date him.”

Felix hums in thought and gains a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“What about Minho? I swear you had a crush on him when I first moved in.”

“I-it wasn’t a crush! Just an admiration-“ Jisung scrambles to explain, eager to wipe that smug look off of Felix’s face.

“I just- I don’t like him like that,” he says honestly.

“If I had my first kiss, I’d kinda want it to count. Or be with someone I’m really close to.” Jisung explains.

Felix pauses before slowly meeting Jisung’s eyes.

“Like a best friend?”

“Yeah, like a best friend-…” Jisung freezes, realizing the meaning of those words and how much weight they carried.

Jisung hesitantly looked up at Felix only to see him already gazing at him.

“…L-Like me?” Felix says so quietly that Jisung almost misses it but he doesn’t.

Like Felix.

Did Jisung want to have his first kiss with someone like Felix? Or did Jisung want to have his first kiss with Felix?

Jisung already knew the answer within his heart. The answer was yes. He wanted do so much with Felix. He wanted to be so much with Felix. And it scared him how much he wanted it.

But Felix is his best friend.

“S-sorry I shouldn’t have-” Felix starts.

“No!” Jisung exclaims maybe an octave too loud because Felix winces. Jisung sighs and starts again.

“N-no, I mean. We’re best friends so it’s not like it’d c-change anything, right?”

Jisung pauses, shocked at the words that came out of his mouth.

“I-I mean, only if you want to- I didn’t mean-…you weren’t joking, right?” Jisung felt his panic spike as he continued to ramble.

Felix gently puts a hand on Jisung’s back, making his worries slowly subside.

 “I-…I wasn’t joking, Jisung.” He assures and Jisung takes a deep breath.

“I mean, I’m not against it if that’s something you’d want to try. Like, you said it’s not like anything would change between us, yeah?” Felix says slowly.

“So, you’re…okay with that?” Jisung questions, almost shocked at how quickly Felix was willing to agree to it. 

He can tell Felix is being serious which honestly doesn’t come often. 

“It’d be like…practice, I guess.” 

“Practice…” Jisung repeats, trying to fully process the reality of this idea.

“That way your first kiss won’t be with some random person- and it won’t matter how bad of a kisser you are.”  Felix jokes. 

Jisung raises a hand to lightly push Felix but breaks into a smile.

“I-I guess if you’re okay with it…but…” Jisung trails off not quiet being able to put the way he was feeling into words.

“But?” Felix prompts.

“Won’t it be kinda weird? Kissing your best friend, I mean.” Jisung says, even though he doesn’t quite agree as the words come out of his mouth. 

“It’s only weird if you think it is. We don’t have to do this you know, but it’d only be a one-time thing.” 

Jisung nods. Felix was right. 

A one-time thing. 

That’s all it was. It was just a kiss and nothing more. It didn’t mean anything, and it was only so Jisung could have more experience. Who better to help than his best friend? 

So, why did Jisung’s heart slightly ache at the thought of it only being a one-time thing?

“So, when should w-we-…?” Jisung trails off, making vague gestures with his hands.

Felix chuckles at his awkward motions.

“Whenever you want but…” Suddenly, Felix is leaning closer to Jisung. 

Jisung lay with his back facing the bed as Felix hovered on top of him, supporting his own weight by holding onto the sides of the bed. Jisung feels heat rise to his cheeks from the looks of the position.

“There’s no reason to wait.” Felix says, his face so close that Jisung can feel his breath as he talked.

Jisung can feel his heart thumping inside his chest. From the way Felix is looking at him, to the closeness in their proximity- it’s all too much and he can barely take it anymore. 

Jisung decides enough is enough. It’s now or never, right?

Without thinking, Jisung leans in and closes the gap between him and Felix. 

There aren’t any fireworks or explosions but it feels so right. There aren’t any words that could correctly describe the way Jisung is feeling.  Jisung closes his eyes, as Felix deepens their kiss in what Jisung can only describe as pure bliss. 

The kiss was thoughtful, careful, and slow. It wasn’t rushed or messy. It wasn’t needy or sexual. It was simply a kiss. But it opened Jisung to an entire world he hadn’t known he was missing- or that even existed. But now, Jisung never wanted to go back. He only wanted to stay in Felix’s arms forever as their world continued to collide.

Before Jisung knew it, the kiss was over, leaving Jisung in a cloud of happiness and bliss.

“H-how was that..?” Felix asks slowly once he pulled away.  Jisung smiles and takes a moment to gather his thought. 

“It was-”

Jisung didn’t have the chance to finish that thought as Minho was loudly closing the door to the dorms and stepping into the living room. 

Felix immediately detached himself from Jisung and their questionable position, the moment he heard the noise. The unexplored atmosphere was broken and now replaced with something more awkward. Jisung suddenly stood up.

“Uh- I should p-probably get going. Minho’s already back I-I didn’t realize how late it was getting!” Jisung stutters out, his heart rate picking up.

“Ah yeah, I s-shouldn’t keep you too long with your overdue assignment and all that.” Felix says, trying to recuperate from the events that transpired only seconds ago.

“R-Right, my professor wouldn’t be too happy.” Jisung says as he makes his way to the door of Felix’s room, wanting to get out as soon as possible.

“I can walk you out-”

“N-no, that’s okay!” Jisung rejected a little too quickly. 

Jisung doesn’t miss the look of hurt that momentarily passes through Felix’s face.  

He immediately feels guilt but right now the only thing Jisung can think about is bolting out of Felix’s dorms and away from everything that ever happened. He needs time to think about and process whatever that was.

“I’ll just- uh- get g-going now.” He adds after a moment of silence.

“Y-yeah I’ll text you later.” Felix says but Jisung barely hears him before he rushes out of Felix’s room.

He practically runs out of Felix’s room, only to be met with a confused Minho. Minho greets him and Jisung brushes by him, giving him a short “hi” and “bye” before exiting the dorms.

Jisung is met with the harsh cold of the night as he makes his way back to his dorm. He must’ve left his sweater back at Felix’s dorm but he’ll survive.

There are so many thoughts running through Jisung’s mind and not enough answers. He can still feel the lingering touch of Felix’s lips on his, as the scene replays in his mind.

What the hell just happened?

Jisung expected a lot of things going over to Felix’s dorms. However, kissing his best friend was not one of them.

The kiss was short, it barely lasted and it didn’t mean anything. So why can’t Jisung stop thinking about it??

Ever since that day, the kiss has been on repeat in Jisung’s brain. He remembers every single detail about that moment. From the way Felix looked at him, to the electrifying feeling he felt when they kissed.

It just couldn’t be normal the number of times Jisung has thought about kissing his best friend. It was only supposed to be for practice and Felix said himself that it didn’t mean anything.

So, why does Jisung want more?

Jisung hates to admit how much he wants to feel Felix’s soft touch again. He hates to admit how much he wants to feel that blissful feeling again.

He hates to admit how much he wants to kiss his best friend again.

But that’s the thing; Felix is his best friend. Best friends don’t kiss.

Jisung is sure he doesn’t love Felix romantically. He loves Felix with all his heart- platonically. The boys have been so close for so long they almost blurred the lines of friendship. Late phone calls at night, back massages after work, cheesy rom-coms on Fridays, forehead kisses to cheer each other up- The two of them were basically dating- minus the dating.

But actually, kissing his best friend, that was a whole step further. And maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal if it was only a one-time thing, no strings attached. Except Jisung is attached. He wanted to be so much more with Felix and he couldn’t explain it in a way that didn’t sound romantic.

Normally, whenever Jisung has a problem or whenever something is stressing him out, he goes straight to Felix. But he can’t do that when Felix is the problem.

He could never tell Felix about this. He’s certain Felix doesn’t feel the same way as him- whatever those feelings entail. And he could never risk their friendship over something so stupid.

It was just a kiss. It didn’t mean anything.

Jisung repeats that like a mantra in his head as he gets ready for the day. He showers, brushes his teeth, and eats some leftovers Changbin made for breakfast (his classes being earlier than Jisung’s) before heading towards the door.

Jisung goes to open the door but a sudden buzz in his pocket stops him in his tracks. Hesitantly, Jisung takes out his phone, only to see that he has seven texts and four missed calls from Felix.

It’s been nearly a week since the last incident with Felix and Jisung has barely spoken a word to the boy since.

Jisung sighs and does the only thing he knows to do; ignore all his problems.

Jisung swears he’s been intending to respond to Felix. It was just that every time he went to respond his mind went blank. The moment he opens the chat, any thoughts or answers he has vanish. The only thing on his mind was that God-forsaken kiss.

So, he just…hasn’t gotten around to it yet.

Jisung, with a guilty conscience, stuffs the phone back inside his pocket and makes his way out of the dorms.

The weather is much better today as Jisung is hit with sunshine and clear skies the moment he walks outside. However, the sunny weather contradicts the way he feels inside and he can barely enjoy it.

The walk to class feels longer than usual, with Jisung being caught up in his thoughts. He can’t say he’s any more excited when his lecture begins but at least it’s a distraction. However, Jisung’s focus doesn’t last long because the only thing on his mind is Felix.

Is Felix mad at him for not responding to his texts? What would Felix think if he knew the reason Jisung didn’t respond? Would he be disgusted by the fact that Jisung wanted to kiss him again? Would he agree only so Jisung could have more ‘practice’? Would he hate Jisung and leave him?

Class was over before Jisung could blink and he realized he hadn’t been paying attention at all. Jisung let out a groan, knowing he’d have to ask a classmate for notes.

Before Jisung could leave with the rest of the students he saw his professor call him over. As if his day couldn’t get any better.

“Han Jisung, your head seems to be in the clouds today. Everything all right?”

His professor, Mr. Jung was a middle-aged man, with greying hair he keeps dying black and a no-bullshit-attitude. He cared about his students but he wasn’t one to play around with when it came to deadlines.

"Y-yes sir, everything’s fine.” Jisung answers the man.

“I’ve noticed your grades falling in this class recently. The final test is on Monday and it reflects half of your grade. I do hope you won’t need to re-take this class Mr. Han.” Mr. Jung plainly stated.

Jisung gulps as he tries to steady his breathing. He solemnly nods at the man’s words.

“I expect your assignment is coming along well, the latest I can give you is until Friday.”

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Jisung counts in his head. He pales, realizing that there really wasn’t much time for him to finish the assignment before his test. He already knew the deadlines were soon but he just hadn’t realized how soon it was. God, he’s been so stupid getting caught up in his feelings about Felix that he nearly forgot about his assignment.

“I’ll do my best, thank you sir.” Jisung bows, before exiting the room.

Jisung lets out a sigh, imagining how much work he’ll have to do this week as he walks aimlessly throughout the campus. Maybe he should’ve taken Felix’s advice and seduced professor instead.

Jisung ends up at some café closest to his next class. He gives his order to the cashier and finds a near-by table to wait. Jisung opens his phone, hoping to find something to distract himself with as he waits for his order. Instead, Jisung finds himself staring at Felix’s texts.

sunshine <33:

how are you doing – sent saturday

did your class start yet

is everything okay? – sent sunday

Is this about earlier I’m sorry

jisung? – sent monday

you haven’t come over in a while- sent tuesday

are you mad at me?

jisung please answer – sent today

He should say something. He really should. Jisung racks his brain for a solution, for anything to get him out of the mess he started.

sungie ^-^:

sorry, I lost my phone – just sent

Jisung quickly shuts off his phone before he can see his phone light up with a reply from Felix and before he can unsend his text.

Since when did Jisung ever lie to Felix?

A voice calling his name interrupts Jisung out of his thoughts. Instead of it being barista calling out his order it was…Jeongin?

“Jisung!” He cutely waves and Jisung waves back.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Jisung asks as the boy came towards his table.

Jeongin was Seungmin’s roommate and was in the same course as Seungmin. He was a mutual friend of Jisung’s and often came over to visit him and Changbin.

“Grabbing a drink for myself and Hyunjin. He’s always using me to run his errands.” Jeongin sighs, making Jisung chuckle.

“Sounds like him.”

Jeongin smiled.

“Yeah, what are you doing here?”

“Getting something to eat before my next class.” He explains.

Jeongin nods before lighting up as if he just remembered something.

“Oh! I was supposed to ask you,” Jeongin starts, peaking Jisung’s interest.

“Seungmin and I are having a marvel movie marathon tonight and inviting some friends over. I know it’s kinda last minute but you’re welcome to come.”

That did sound fun. Jisung did need a break. And he did love Marvel.

Jisung opens his mouth to answer yes but then stops. He has a hellish amount much school-work to catch up on. Does he really have time to be goofing off?

“Ah, I would love to but…” Jisung starts but falters. When Jisung meets Jeongin’s gaze he’s met with hopeful, sparkling eyes, along with a small pout. Jeongin is the youngest of the friend group and certainly has a charm to make everyone say yes.

Jeongin looked so hopeful and who was Jisung to say no?? One night wouldn’t hurt.

“I’ll be there.” Jisung decides. He knew it was the right answer when he saw a Jeongin break into a smile.

“Perfect! I’ll let everyone know you're coming; I’ll see you then!” Jeongin exclaimed.

Finally, Jisung hears his order get called on a bit after Jeongin’s (how is that fair?).  Jisung waved the boy goodbye as they both went their separate ways. Jisung walked off to his class with a drink in hand, re-thinking all his decisions.

It was just a movie night after-all, what's the worst that could happen?

Only hours later does Jisung find himself at Jeongin and Seungmin’s front door. He’s been to their dorms a hand full of times so it wasn’t too hard to find his way.

Jisung takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. The door opens not too long after and reveals a smiling Seungmin.

“Jisung, finally you’re here!” He teases, Jisung laughing along with him.

“The others are in the living room, but there’s snacks in the kitchen if you want any. Right now, they’re arguing on which movie to start with.” Seungmin says, letting him inside.

“Sounds like I came in at a bad time.” Jisung jokes.

Jisung follows Seungmin into the living room and the voices of the others become louder. However, without quite seeing the faces of the others yet, there’s one voice that Jisung distinctly recognizes.

The others all come into view as he and Seungmin enter the room. There was a lot more people than Jisung previously expected. Jisung hadn’t expected Jeongin to practically invite the whole friend group, but it made sense they came since no one could say no to him (Jisung was living proof of that).

There was Chan, Hyunjin, Changbin, Minho and-

Jisung nearly freezes when he makes eye contact with Felix.

Of course, Felix would come, what was Jisung thinking!? He wasn’t thinking, that’s the issue.

He had seen this movie invite as a chance to have fun and forget about his problems if only for a moment. But he conveniently forgot that Felix- the root of his problems- would most likely be there.

Seungmin is close friends with Minho and Minho is Felix’s roommate so it only made since Felix would be invited as well. Not to mention Jeongin is friendly with everyone.

God, how could Jisung be so stupid?

“Jisung, you came!” A voice exclaims.

Jisung shakes away his thoughts to greet the others, awkwardly glancing to Felix.

He sees Chan move to the edge of the couch to make room for Jisung to sit down next to him, however Chan was previously sitting next to…Felix.

“You can sit here Jisung.” Chan says with a smile, blissfully unaware of the awkward tension between the other two boys.

“Ah, t-thanks.” Jisung says and reluctantly takes a seat.

Jisung tries to ignore the fast pace of his heart caused by sitting next to the boy he kissed and then ignored not even a week ago.

“Hi,” Jisung hears Felix speak to him for the first time. Jisung turns his head to glance at the other boy and see Felix give an awkward half-wave.

“Hi…” Jisung repeats and returns the wave, the awkwardness only increasing.

Jisung hated it.

He was never this awkward with his best friend before. They were best friends for crying out loud, things weren’t supposed to be like this. If only Jisung hadn’t fucking kissed him none of this would’ve happened.

The movie eventually starts and the others calm down from their debate. Jisung had always loved this movie but he just can’t find it in himself to focus. Not when Felix was right next to him. Not when Felix was so close to him that he could feel Felix breathing down his neck, or accidentally brush his hand across Jisung’s thigh before quickly retreating, or resisting the urge to wrap an arm around Jisung.

All these little things Felix was doing made Jisung feel some type of way. A type of way he shouldn’t feel for his best friend.

It was too much.

“I’m going to get some popcorn.” Jisung announces abruptly before standing up and rushing to the kitchen. He ignores the calls from the others, offering him their popcorn or to go with him.

He just needs some air.

Jisung takes a moment to breathe as he steadied himself against the wall of the kitchen.

What- what was that?

What is Felix doing to him? Why is he feeling these sudden…’feelings’ for him? Why can’t he stop thinking about that damn kiss?

Why is Felix-…right in front of him?

“Jisung?” Felix calls out, stepping closer to Jisung with something in his hands.

“Felix, w-what are you-”

“You left your jacket.” Felix interrupts.

Only then does Jisung recognize what Felix is holding. He nearly forgot he left his jacket at Felix’s dorms the last time he saw him. Which was so long ago…

“Oh, thanks…” Jisung accepts the jacket Felix places into his arms.

There’s a beat of silence.

“So, you lost your phone?” Felix suddenly asks.

“What-?”

Jisung lost his phone? He doesn’t remember ever losing his-

“Oh- oh. Yeah, yeah, I, um, just found it.” Jisung curses himself for sounding so unsure. He was never the best at lying and Felix knew that.

Jisung hears Felix audibly sigh before meeting his gaze.

“Jisung, can we talk?”

Jisung feels his stomach drop at those words. Nothing good ever came out of talking- especially when Felix looked as seriousness as he did now. Jisung spent this whole week trying to avoid a talk. He spent the whole week trying to avoid opening up about his feelings and accidentally letting out how much he wanted to kiss Felix once again-

“Yeah, sure.”

Felix took a deep breath.

“I don’t know, I just…I feel like you’ve been ignoring me lately and I just want to know is everything…okay between us?”

Jisung feels his heart rate pick up again.

“I wasn’t ignoring you, Felix. Like I said; I lost my phone. I’ve just been really busy with classes and assignments. Everything’s fine.” Jisung says but it comes out a bit ruder and choppier than he meant for it to be.

Jisung sees Felix shake his head in disbelief. He has a smile on his face but it wasn’t because he was happy.

Jisung knew he messed up.

“Okay seriously, what’s up with you Jisung? Don’t lie to me.” Felix confronts.

Suddenly Jisung feels defensive.

“What makes you think I’m lying?” He deflects.

“Jisung, I know you. I know you didn’t lose your phone and I know you’ve been ignoring me for a reason!”

Felix takes another breath and reels himself back in before talking again.

“I just want to know why. Did I do something wrong- is it because of…what happened earlier?” He asked in a softer tone than before.

Felix hit the nail right on the hammer. Jisung feels himself stiffen, and his brain’s first instinct is to defend himself.

“God, no, it’s not because of whatever happened earlier, t-that didn’t fucking matter, okay! Nothing’s wrong would you just stop worrying, Felix!?” Jisung fires back. He speaks before his mind can even catch up to what his mouth is saying.

Felix eyes widen at Jisung’s words and he takes a step back. Jisung knew his memory could never erase the hurt expression he saw on Felix’s face.

He hurt Felix.

“…F-Felix I-” Jisung tries to apologize but his brain is so jumbled up, he can barely get the words out.

“No, you’re right Jisung. I should just ‘stop worrying’, right?”

Before Jisung can reply, Felix walks right past him, leaving Jisung frozen in place with a jacket still placed in his hands.

The entirety of everything Jisung just said dawned on him. No, no, no.

This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. He doesn’t mean a word he said. How could one person fuck up so badly?

He thought ignoring Felix would be better. That way he wouldn’t have to think about his feelings and Felix wouldn’t be dragged down into his mess. But it only made things worse. He only ended up hurting Felix anyways.

Jisung felt like his body was on auto-pilot as he rushed toward the exit of the dorms.

“Jisung! Where are you going?” He hears someone call out from behind him.

“S-Sorry, something came up I-I have to go.” Jisung mumbles with a shaky voice, not bothering to look back and see their disappointment. Felix’s disappointment. He quickly left the dorms before the others could call after him again. 

There he goes again; running away from all his problems. He can’t keep doing this.

But what else is he supposed to do?

Tears cloud his vision as he sprints back to his own apartment. The sky was dark and the air was freezing cold. Jisung held a jacket but he didn’t put it on. He couldn’t. He didn’t deserve it after everything he’s done.

Jisung feels his pocket buzz with texts from the others asking him if he was okay, if he needs a ride, or just, what happened. But he keeps running. He doesn’t need their worry.

He doesn’t deserve it when he broke the trust of the only person who mattered.

Jisung doesn’t how long he’s been hiding in his dorms or how long it took him to walk there in the freezing cold. Maybe it was twenty minutes, or maybe it was an hour- who knows? But he was here now, and that’s all that mattered.

He was safe.

He was away from all the things going wrong with his life. School, friends, Felix- he doesn’t need to think of anything as he shivers on the floor of his bedroom with his knees to his chest and waits for the heat of the room to warm him up.

He doesn’t need to think about how a simple kiss with Felix spiraled their friendship out of control. He doesn’t need to think about how much of an ass he was to Felix because he didn’t understand his own emotions- and still doesn’t. He doesn’t need to think about how he and Felix may never be able to go back to normal after this.

Everything was fine.

Suddenly, Jisung can hear the sound of the door being opened as someone steps through the dorms. He hears the person muter to themselves and shuffle around the living room. There's a sound of a phone ringing. Jisung barely notices his own phone light up in response to the ringing. The sound grows closer and closer before Jisung realizes that person is in front of his door.

The door opens. The figure squints in the dark, looking around as if they’re searching for something- or someone. Jisung must’ve forgotten to turn on the lights, whoops.

“Jisung! Are you in here?” Jisungs hears their voice and immediately recognizes it as Changbin- his roommate.

Jisung isn't sure how he didn’t recognize the person to be Changbin, or how he didn’t notice when the light was turned on or how he didn’t realize when Changbin rushed to his side, reciting breathing patterns.

He didn’t even realize he was having an anxiety attack.

“-isung, Jisung. It’s okay just breathe with me, okay?”

Jisung feels like he was drowning in all his worries. He can barely breathe, he can barely hear, he can barely feel. It was all too much.

He wasn’t safe. Everything wasn’t okay.

It takes a while for Jisung to calm down. For his breathing to even out and his sense to come back. But once he did, he was met with Changbin’s worried and caring gaze.

“Jisung, are you feeling better?” He asks as he handed the other boy a glass of water. Jisung wasn’t sure when Changbin had gotten the water but he gratefully accepted it.

“Y-yeah...thank you.” Jisung says with a scratchy voice before downing the glass of water.

This wouldn't be the first time Changbin’s seen Jisung like this. Ever since Jisung’s moved into the dorms he and Changbin became close friends. They had a lot in common; they both majored in the same department, both liked the same shows and they both had a similar taste in music. But most importantly, Changbin was always there for Jisung. He’d been there for him during his tough times and always led him through it. Changbin to Jisung is like a rock.

“What happened? Do you know how worried I was looking for you when you ran out like that?”

A pang of guilt goes through Jisung for making Changbin worry like that. As if Jisung hasn’t already upset and worried enough people for the day.

“I-I'm sorry, Changbin. I just- I messed up, so badly.  And I-I just had to leave and-”

“Hey, it’s okay just take a deep breath,” Changbin interrupts when he realizes how worked up Jisung is getting again. Jisung follows his instructions and feels himself begin settle down.

“You don’t have to talk about it now, Jisung, if you’re not ready. We can always talk later.” Changbin continues, with a reassuring smile.

Jisung nods but he knows he’s not getting out of this so easily. Suddenly another chill wrecks through Jisung’s body and he realizes he’s still freezing. Changbin frowns when he notices this.

“You must be freezing, why don’t you change into something warmer? I’ll turn up the heater.” Jisung nods again as Changbin goes to turn on the heater. Jisung, still shaken up from his anxiety attack, idly let’s Changbin take care of him. It isn’t often that the boy gets like this but Jisung knows that Changbin likes to take care of others, like an older brother- when he isn’t being just as immature that is.

Jisung feels the air start to warm him up, along with an outfit being placed into his hands. He smiles and thanks Changbin before going to change, feeling much better than before. Jisung quickly makes it back and takes a seat on his bed next to Changbin.

“Thank you, Changbin.” Jisung says, making sure Changbin knows how much he means it.

Changbin goes to answer but a yawn cuts through his sentence making them both laugh. The yawn must be contagious because Jisung starts to yawn not too long after.

“Anytime Jisung, I’m just glad that I found you when I did.” He says sincerely.

“We should talk though; but we should probably go to bed first.” Changbin continues, and makes his way to the door. Jisung nods at his words before Changbin goes to close the door.

“Just know that no matter what’s going wrong Jisung, it’ll all work out in the end.” Changbin says quietly before the door shut close.

And Jisung can only hope Changbin is right.

Ever since that day Jisung kept to himself, denying every hangout invite his friends sent him. He’s focusing on studying and most definitely not hiding from all his problems. At least that’s what he told himself. It had been a few days since the incident and Jisung hasn’t spoken to Felix since. Jisung knew Felix must've been upset with him because he hadn’t bombarded the other boy with texts or reached out to him since that day.

But that was fine. That only meant he had more time to focus on his studies. Jisung submerged himself into his studying and worked until he could barely read the words on his paper. Sure, maybe he couldn't properly recognize and control his emotions but at least he could be useful for something and ace his assignments. There was no way in hell he was re-taking Mr. Jung’s class.

However, Changbin seemed to have other ideas for Jisung.

“Jisung, you can’t just hide in your room all day and work. I swear I’ve only seen you come out of your room once today.” He chides, peaking his head into Jisung’s room.

Changbin’s been watching over Jisung ever since his last breakdown a few days ago. Jisung knows Changbin gets like this when he’s worried and they still haven’t talked about what really happened...

“I’m trying not to fail my class, Changbin. I can’t deal with seeing Mr. Jung’s face for another year.” Jisung mumbles with a sigh.

“Ah don’t remind me, I’m so glad I’m not in his class anymore.” Changbin says, earning a snort from Jisung.

“Chan wanted us to come over to the studio and work on some songs with him. So, I’m here to grab you.” He continues.

Working in the studio with Chan and Changbin did sound like fun but Jisung had bigger things to worry about. Like passing his class- and forgetting about his messed-up situation with Felix.

“Come on, you can’t say no. You’ve been in here all week; your friends are starting to miss you.” Changbin tries to persuade by putting on a cute act, making Jisung groan in annoyance.

“Changbin, you know I have work to do...” Jisung says, reloading his document for the fifth time, hoping this time a spark of inspiration will find him.

“Right, but it doesn’t look like you're getting much done at the moment.” Changbin points out.

Jisung sighs, knowing he’s right.

“You can always finish your work at the studio too. You already know I remember jack shit about Mr. Jung’s class but Chan was in your same class two years ago so maybe he can help.”

Changbin seemed to be making point after point with logic Jisung just couldn't refuse. Jisung sighs, knowing he won’t get his way this time.

“...fine.”

And that’s how Jisung found himself in Chan’s studio, watching Changbin and Chan produce as he quips in his own opinions from time to time but mostly focuses on his own work. Chan’s studio was nice and not too far from the dorms. It was spacious and had sofas, and chairs enough for more than 5 people to sit.

Ever since Jisung and Changbin became friends with Chan and found out they were all music majors; they began frequently visiting his studio and playing around with beats. After a while they started making actual songs and even posted them on soundcloud. The three of them named themselves ‘3racha’ as a joke after having a spicy noodle challenge. They always claimed they were making music ‘just for fun’ but their friends claimed they had the talent to become a real group.

Maybe Jisung was right to listen to Changbin because he felt his brain work better with the change of location. However, he was still stumped with his newest project.

“Chan?” Jisung calls from the other side of the room and sees the other boy save something on his laptop.

Chan takes off his headphones and turns to Jisung, giving him a toothy grin.

“What’s up, Ji?”

“Do you remember anything from Mr. Jung’s class?” Jisung questions, knowing if anyone had the answers it was Chan. Chan was the oldest in their friend group, a junior in college, and would help out the others more than often. Though, Chan never minded and was always willing to give his advice and help where he could.

“Maybe a few things but I mostly blocked out any memories of that class after sophomore year, to be honest.” Chan jokes.

“Wish I could do the same.” Jisung sighs.

“Is he still dying his hair black again?” Chan asks making Jisung laugh and Changbin snort.

“Sadly, he is. I’ve never seen hair so jet-black before.”

Chan gestures for Jisung to show him his assignment. Jisung complies and the other boy goes through everything, giving Jisung help where he can. It turned out asking Chan for help was more than useful, because by the time Chan had finished helping him Jisung was nearly complete with his project. The boy must’ve been humble about how much he remembered from the class.

Jisung made sure to continuously thank other boy, before Chan waved it off and went back to his previous work. A few moments later, Changbin calls on Jisung for help on one of the songs their working on. After a while of assisting Chanbin, Jisung decides that he might as well work on producing the track as he pulls out his laptop, his homework forgotten. Jisung likes to think it was Changbin’s elaborate plan to stop Jisung from over-working himself but Jisung finds that producing songs with Changbin and Chan for fun is a lot more relaxing in a way. Being with Chan and Changbin is what makes working on songs fun. But being forced to do it for an assignment sucks the joy out of it.

“You know, I’m thinking of throwing a party this Saturday.” Chan announces to the three boys after a few moments of silence.

This catches Jisung’s and Changbin’s attention as they turn to face Chan.

Chan was always known for throwing the best parties on campus. He was friends with nearly half the school and had a lot of connections to get what he needed. Even people he didn’t know would show up to Chan’s parties just for the dealings.

Jisung was never a big fan of parties or large crowds of people yet he still somehow showed up to every party Chan hosted. Maybe it was because Felix stayed by his side the whole time as they laughed at all the wasted people around them...but without Felix what was the point?

“You already know I’ll be there,” Changbin starts making Chan laugh.

“Is Wooyoung brining the drinks?” Changbin continues.

“Yeah, for sure. I already asked him, he said he’ll bring it over by Friday.”

Changbin nods and the two begin to talk casually before Chan turns his attention to Jisung.

“How about you, Jisung?” He asks, snapping Jisung out of his thoughts.

“Oh- well I have a deadline on Saturday so I don’t know if I’ll be able to come yet...” Jisung says. It wasn’t an entire lie after all, but that wasn’t the full truth.

Chan nods at Jisung’s answer. He can tell somethings off but he doesn’t question it.

“Okay, just let me know.” He says, ending the conversation as the three boys get back to work.

After a while, Chan announces that he was going to grab some snacks and that he’d be back in a few minutes. Jisung and Changbin hum in acknowledgement and continue to work on the tracks. The two work together in a peaceful silence, however Jisung feels someone gazing at him from the corner of his eyes. He can practically hear the other boy’s loud thinking.

“You can just say it, Changbin.” Jisung says after a while.

Changbin sighs, being caught in his tracks and saves his work for the hundredth time.

“We still...haven’t talked about that night.” Changbin starts slowly, as if not to scare off Jisung. But Jisung already knew this question was coming.

“You don’t have to say anything but...I’ve just been a bit worried for you lately, you know?”

Jisung contemplates telling Changbin.

Changbin has always been a good friend. Whenever Jisung goes to Chanbin with his struggles Changbin always finds a solution for him. He never judged him before so why would that change now? Jisung hates making Changbin worried. He has to tell him something. He deserves to know what happened.

“That...that night,” Jisung starts, making Changbin look up at him, surprised he was willing to talk about it.

“I messed up, Changbin. Big time. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have- a-and now I’m sure Felix h-hates me. And I now, I-I just don’t know what to do.” Jisung stutters out, feeling his anxiety grow just thinking about the topic.

“Jisung, I’m sure whatever happened Felix doesn’t hate you.” Changbin starts, trying to ease his worries. “I can tell you first-hand how much he cares for you just by being around him. Felix always talks about you and I can tell you mean a lot to him. Whatever you did I promise you he doesn’t-”

“IkissedFelix.” Jisung interrupts so suddenly that Changbin nearly chokes on air.

“Y-you- you what?” Changbin splutters.

“I-…" Jisung takes a deep breath to collect his thoughts.

“I kissed Felix,” Jisung repeats, surer this time.

Changbin nods, neutralizing his expression and encouraging Jisung to continue. So, he does.

“I-it was just for practice and it was a one t-time thing. It wasn’t supposed to mean anything but-...I just can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to kiss him again.” Jisung admits with a shaky breath.

“So... you have feelings for Felix?” Changbin asks after giving Jisung a moment to calm down.

“N-no I don’t. That’s the thing;”

Jisung sees Changbin tilt his head in confusion so Jisung continues.

“Felix, I love him. But h-he's my best friend. I only love him in a platonic sense- which I know is confusing. I just- I'm sure I don’t love him in that way b-but I just can’t stop thinking about that stupid kiss!”

“So, you don’t have romantic feelings for Felix but you want to kiss him again?” Changbin clarifies.

Jisung quickly nods his head, aware of how stupid his situation sounds out loud.

“I know, it sounds stupid,” Jisung started.

Changbin quickly shook his head.

“It’s not. Kisses don’t necessarily have to be romantic. I mean it’s just two people touching lips after all.”

The way Changbin explains it makes Jisung want to throw up- Though, maybe he had a point.

“I-I guess so? But most people don’t go around kissing their best friends! Would you kiss your best friend?” Jisung suddenly asked.

Changbin paused, not expecting the questions to be directed at him.

“Well...” Changbin gives the thought a good few seconds before his face sours.

Jisung sighs.

“My point exactly.”

“Well, hey that’s just me! That doesn’t mean our experiences are the same.” Changbin points out- and Jisung supposes he wasn’t wrong. Changbin and his damn logic.

Jisung takes a moment to think before continuing.

“Ever since that kiss I kinda ignored him...I thought it would be better if I figured out my weird feelings first before going to Felix but- I only ended up hurting him. Then I said some stupid stuff to him at the movie night a few days ago. I just didn’t want to damage our friendship over this...but it looks like I already did.” Jisung admits, and for some reason it feels so much more real after saying it out loud. However, he feels a bit better, in a strange way? Like he isn’t holding on to all his troubles on his own.

Changbin puts a hand on Jisung’s back, affectively calming him down.

“Felix is probably upset by the things you said but he’s not upset with you. He probably just wants to know if he did something wrong in your friendship. You might need space to figure out things for yourself but you should tell him that and apologize before things get worse.” Changbin says after some thought.

Jisung knew everything Changbin was saying was right. Jisung knew he should’ve gone about things differently than he did. He knew that but maybe he just needs someone to tell that to him.

“Ah, since when did you get so wise?” Jisung lightly jokes, earning a laugh from Changbin.

“I’ve always been wise!” Changbin retaliates.

“Yeah, sure,” The statement gains a weak punch to Jisung’s side from Changbin. The two boys laugh and the mood begins to lighten.

“Thanks for helping me with my feelings with Feilx and everything.” Jisung says after a moment.

Changbin gives a nod and a smile, letting Jisung know that it was no issue.

“You know, it really would've been so much easier to say that I just had a crush on him or something.”Jisung continues with a pout. A look passes through Changbin’s face as if he had a sudden thought. Jisung knew that look and turned to face Changbin.

“What is it?”

“This question might sound kinda strange but...you say that you don’t like Felix romantically but...are you sure it’s just Felix?” He asks slowly.

Changbin’s question makes Jisung pause for a moment before meeting his eyes with confusion.

“W-what do you mean...?”

“I might be way off but what you said kind of reminded me of something. I guess there’s no better way to put this...what I’m trying to ask is, have you ever felt romantic feelings for...anyone?”

Jisung was about to tell Changbin that yes, this was a strange question and obviously he’s felt romantic feelings for someone! But then he thought about it.

Has Jisung ever felt romantic feelings for anyone?

He’s had the hand full of high school and middle school relationships. But did he get into those relationships because he liked the other person or because he felt pressured to? But wasn’t that what everyone did? Didn’t everyone get into relationships because the world told them that was normal??

Did he like them or did he just think they had a nice personality? Did he have romantic feelings for them or did he just think they were pretty? Jisung’s definitely found many people attractive in his life. Though, just because he thought they were objectively good looking doesn’t mean he wants to pursue a romantic relationship with them.

Now that Jisung thinks about it was there ever a time he actually had a crush on someone?

“I... I don’t know.” Jisung answers after a moment of silence.

“B-but that can’t be normal, right? I mean how could someone just not like anyone?” Jisung asks, deflecting the question away from him.

“It’s more normal than you think. There are aromantic people, you know.” Changbin explains.

“Aromantic?” Jisung repeats in the form of a question, the word feeling new on his tongue.

“Someone who doesn’t like others romantically or want a romantic relationship.”

That...that’s a thing?

Changbin chuckles at Jisung’s confusion before explaining himself.

“I had a friend once who was aromantic. I actually had a crush on them at one point and I thought they only didn’t like me. Turns out they just didn’t like anyone! I knew I was still irresistible.” Changbin jokes making Jisung roll his eyes.

“I’m glad they rejected you.” Jisung says, making the two of them laugh. Soon the laughter calms down and the atmosphere turns a bit more serious again.

“Seriously, thanks for everything. And about the aromantic thing- I can kinda relate to it in a way...it's definitely something I’ll think about but I feel a lot better knowing something like that exists.”

“It’s not a problem Jisung,”  Changbin says as he wraps Jisung into a short hug. Jisung sighs, worn out from the conflicting emotions in his chest but quickly relaxes into Changbin’s hold.

“You should go to Chan’s party,” Changbin announces once Jisung breaks their hug.

“And bump into Felix? I’m good, plus I still have a deadline for all my schoolwork.” Jisung counters.

“It’s true Felix will probably be there- but there’ll be so many people there’s barely a chance you’ll bump into him. You know Chan is friends with like the whole school.” Changbin says earning a snort from Jisung.

“And maybe a bit of partying and a drink or two will help you to forget about everything in the meantime. But it’s up to you.”

Jisung nods. Maybe a drink or two is what he needed at the moment.

“I’ll...I’ll think about it.”

Just then the door opened revealing a disheveled Chan holding a handful of snacks, in a sweat.

“Sorry I took so long! I’m back now with the snacks!” Chan said, still trying to catch his breath.

Changbin and Jisung looked at Chan, each other, and then back at Chan and burst out laughing.

“What the hell happened just for you to just get some snacks?” Changbin says with a snort.

“And why do you look like you’ve just ran a marathon?” Jisung questions.

Chan made his way to the other two, and dumped all the snacks onto the table with a faraway expression.

“It’s a long story...” He mumbles, opening a bag of chips.

“You know what, maybe it’s better if I don’t ask.” Jisung shakes his head, making his way towards the snacks before fighting with Changbin for the good ones. The three of them chuckle as Chan starts up his computer, still looking winded.

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best.”

The sound of ear-splitting music, the smell of alcohol and the feeling of dread fills up Jisung’s senses. Against all odds, Jisung finds himself standing in the middle of a rager as bright lights flash, loud voices carry throughout the room, and college students brush by him with red solo cups in their hands.

How did Jisung end up here?

Jisung looks up to see Changbin flash him a large smile, as if everything was okay. As if he wasn’t the one to drag Jisung here in the first place. Jisung sighs but continues to follow Changbin around the house, unsure of where they’re even going.

In the distance, Jisung sees Chan talking with a few other friends before looking their way. He brightens up when he makes eye contact with Jisung and makes his way toward them.

“Hey! Changbin,” Chan first greets he boy next to them giving him some form of a handshake.

“Jisung you made it! Didn’t think you’d come,” He continues, with a smile. To be honest, Jisung didn’t think he’d come either.

Jisung barely hears Chan over the loud speakers but gives the other boy a smile anyways.

“I nearly had to drag him here,” Changbin says gaining a laugh from Chan and an eye roll from Jisung.

The three boys continue their small talk until a new group of friends come by to talk to them. Jisung looks up to see Hyunjin, Seungmin and Minho greet them with red solo cups in their hands- one of them looking tipsier than the others.

Looking at Minho, Jisung feels his anxiety begin to grow. If Minho was here Felix couldn't be too far behind. Though, Jisung did come here knowing Felix would be in the same area as him he just assumed they wouldn’t cross paths. And they haven’t yet- but it was almost inevitable. Jisung started to wonder how long it’d take before he caught sight of Felix and how long it’d take before he got a drink.

How did Jisung get dragged into this party anyways?

Chan eventually leaves, going to greet some other friends and the five of them chat. However, Jisung can barely hear himself or anything the others are saying. He eventually gives up on trying to battle with the music and starts to zone out.

“We were just about to get another drink, wanna come with us?” Hyunjin asks, suddenly gaining Jisung’s attention.

Jisung never agreed so quickly.

Before Jisung knew it, he was being led to the kitchen and handed some kind of alcoholic drink in the same red plastic up. He didn’t question it and took a large gulp from the cup. The drink has an unpleasant sour aftertaste. However, it also had something to it that made Jisung keep drinking. One shot turns into two and Jisung hears Jeongin (who somehow found his way over to their group, though Jisung wasn’t quite sure when since he wasn’t paying attention.) compliment how well he held his liquor.

A few moments later, Jisung hears the sound of loud laughter and yelling coming from the other side of the dorm. He sees people gathered around, maybe playing some type of game but Jisung doesn’t have time to think about it before he’s somehow dragged into the crowd. Jisung finally sees what everyone’s crowded around as he gets closer.

In front of Jisung, stands a ping-pong table with cups filled with beer on either side of the table. He sees as the students in front of him competitively attempt throw ping pong balls into the opponent's cups as cheering and chanting the losing team downs a cup of beer. This of course could only be another classic game of beer-pong.

Jisung didn’t have a time to blink as he was dragged into the game and joined some random team. The opposing team missed a few cups and each teammate had to take a drink. When it was his team’s turn their luck didn’t seem to be any better. Jisung reluctantly takes a drink along with the rest of his teammates. The game goes on for a few rounds before it’s Jisung‘s turn to paddle the ball. Jisung feels everyone’s eyes zero in on him as he holds a ping-pong ball in one hand and a paddle in another. He shakes off the nervous feeling and let’s his muscles take over as he serves the ball. Jisung lands the balls in the cups and the crowd gathered cheers.

Maybe it was because of the small victory, or the alcohol settling in but Jisung feels himself start to loosen up a bit. He’s actually starting to enjoy himself for once. He’s been so wound up for the past few weeks and for once he feels like he has no cares in the world.

Any anxious feeling Jisung felt at the beginning of that night was slowly replaced with a carefree and untroubled attitude. Jisung doesn’t know how many rounds he plays or how drinks he has but he feels his head start to become fuzzier and his thinking begin to slow down.

The game soon ends and Jisung finds himself mindlessly wandering throughout the dorms, having already unknowingly lost sight of Changbin and the others. Normally, Jisung would be freaking out and rushing to find his friends but in this moment Jisung feels freer than ever. Maybe it was the alcohol but for the first time Jisung didn’t have it in himself to worry or think about any of his problems.

Jisung dizzily makes his way through the room, passing by other students. Jisung weaved his way through the crowd, slightly thrown off by the flashing lights. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for or where he’s going but his feet seem to lead the way. Jisung really wasn’t thinking as he roamed across the room or when he accidentally ran straight into another student.

Jisung feels himself crash into someone and stumbles back. He hears a gasp from the person he just bumped into and that’s when he realizes he just spilled his drink right onto this person’s shirt.

Shit.

“I-I’m so sorry-”

“S-sorry, I should’ve looked where I was-”

When Jisung looks up to meet the other person’s gaze he didn’t know what to expect. However, Jisung certainly didn't expect to be face to face with Lee Felix.

“J-Jisung?” The other boy croaks out, just as shocked to see the boy in front of him as Jisung was to see him.

Looking at Felix, Jisung sees he wears a startled expression along with something else Jisung just can’t recognize. Felix’s step was unsteady, and his nose and cheeks were cutely tainted red. Felix looks just as (if not more) drunk as Jisung.

“Felix...” Jisung gasps. Jisung soon snaps out of his daze when he remembers Felix’s-soaked shirt.

“Y-your shirt, I’m really sorry I-”

“it’s fine, I didn’t like this shirt much anyways...” Felix waves him off, but there was no real joy in his voice.

There was a moment of silence, neither of them knowing what to say with the awkward feeling that settled over them.

Jisung knows he can’t just stand around and say nothing- he knows he can’t just avoid Felix. Not for a second time. He couldn’t do this to Felix and he couldn’t do this to himself. He has to make things right. If not now, when would he?

Without his fully heightened senses, screaming at him to run away (and with the alcohol affecting his thinking), all the words Jisung meant to say to Felix were tumbling out of his mouth before he had a chance to stop it.

“Felix, I’m so sorry for everything I said before, I-I didn’t mean a word of it! I know I fucked up and I shouldn’t have ignored you and-”

Felix interrupts him quickly shaking his head and looking down.

“N-no, no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset and I shouldn’t have made you feel uncomfortable when we-”

“This kiss didn’t mean nothing to me!”

Another moment silence passes through them. Felix nearly gets whiplash from how quickly he lifted his head up. He gapes from shock, certainly not expecting the words that left Jisung’s lips. Jisung feels his heart beat outside his chest. He hadn’t meant to blurt that out so suddenly- he hadn’t meant for that to get out at all.

“W-what?” Felix looks Jisung in the eyes.

“The...the kiss...” Jisung gulps before, continuing. He didn’t think about it as the confession spilled from his lips.

“I-I couldn’t stop thinking about it, Felix,” He breathes out looking down and away from Felix’s gaze. He’s not sure if he’s able to handle the other boy’s reaction. The words came out so suddenly it was almost as if someone else was speaking for Jisung. But everything came straight from Jisung’s heart.

“Jisung-” Felix started.

“I thought about it every day and how much I wanted to kiss you again but-”

“Jisung-”

“I was so scared. I just didn’t know how to tell you and-”

Jisung doesn’t get the chance to complete his thought when he suddenly feels Felix’s lips on his. Jisung’s eyes fly open in shock and disbelief to what’s happening. All this time Jisung was convinced Felix hated him, he thought he’d damaged their friendship, he thought he’d never get the chance to feel Felix’s addictive kiss again. But right here, right now, in this moment Lee Felix was kissing him.

Jisung feels all his past worries fly out the window as he slowly melts into the kiss. He forgets about his anxiety, he forgets about their past argument, and he forgets about the world around him. All he can think about is Felix’s soft warm lips, how much he can’t get enough of it. The kiss starts out slow and gentle, making Jisung remember how much he missed this. But there’s another spark of fire that wasn’t there the first time Jisung kissed Felix. This spark starts something new in them as the soft kiss turns aggressive.

Jisung feels his brain entirely shut off as Felix him corners him into a couch Jisung hadn’t previously known was there. They both fall into the couch, not breaking the kiss. Felix ends up falling on top of Jisung in a fashion that wasn’t too different from when they first kissed. Jisung tunes out the loud music, strong smells, and carrying voices, and focuses on the new feeling on his lips.

The kiss slowly shifts into something more passionate and needy. Felix puts a hand through Jisung’s hair holding him close as Jisung wraps an arm around his shoulder. Jisung and Felix begin a battle; the both of them vigorously fighting to be in charge of the kiss. Suddenly, Felix bites down on Jisung’s lip, making him gasp and groan as Felix ultimately wins. The pit of fire ignites uncharted territories and the kiss becomes sloppy, and drunk.

Jisung can’t remember for the life of him why he hasn’t kissed Felix like this before.

All the pent-up feelings Jisung felt about Felix all come to light in the heated kiss. He feels a strike of electricity run through him every time he felt Felix’s touch. And it excited him.

In more ways than one.

The two eventually brake off the kiss, both of them in a desperate need for air. Jisung and Felix heave and pant, as air came back to their lungs. Jisung feels like he’d just been to paradise and back.

“...How was that?” Felix asks in between pants, a small smirk forming on his lips.

Jisung gulps, trying to process everything that happened as blush creeps up on his ears.

“I... I regret not kissing you sooner.”

Felix smiles before looking down at Jisung’s lips once more.

“Well, you can always make up for that,”

And then Felix’s lips were back on his. For Jisung, kissing Felix was like living in a perfect world he could forever get lost in. Jisung loses track of time and when he’s with Felix. The more Felix kisses him the more Jisung wishes Felix will stay by his side forever and this moment would never end.

If this was a dream, Jisung doesn’t want to wake up.

Jisung woke up. But it wasn’t a dream.

His mind fell blank with morning fog as he slowly takes in his surroundings, blissfully unaware of anything that had occurred prior to him waking up. Jisung finds himself safely tucked away in his bed in the familiarity of his dorms. This of course would be nothing out of the ordinary- except for the fact that Jisung doesn’t remember falling asleep here. In fact, he doesn’t remember being at the dorms at all last night.

Bit by bit the memories came back to Jisung and the sleepy after affect wore off of him. His mind starts to come back to life. Without warning, that’s when everything hits him. Jisung’s head hurts like hell, his stomach feels like it’s been punched to the gut, and he feels as though he’s just been run over a truck. Jisung knew there could only one answer for the way he was feeling. It was the relentless yet familiar pain of a hangover.

And Jisung drank last night because...

Right, there was a party.

Chan’s party, too many people, beer pong, bumping into someone, bumping into Felix, confessing to Felix, making out with Felix-

Shit.

Jisung immediately shoots out of his bed in a panic as the memories come pouring back to him. He got up so quickly that he starts to see stars and worsens his already panging head.

Gosh, he knew better than to go to that damn party. Of course, he’d bump into Felix, why would he not? What made him think everything would be, okay?

...but it did turn out okay, didn’t it?

Jisung remembers the way he felt when he was with Felix that night. The whole night felt like a daze and he couldn’t remember all the details- but everything felt so right with Felix in that moment. That had to mean something right?  He vividly remembers the way Felix looked at him, like he was the only person who mattered, his best friend. So, if that was true, Felix can’t be mad at him, right?

But of course, Felix wasn’t mad then, he was just as drunk as him! That doesn’t mean Felix won’t be upset when he wakes up realizes everything that happened between them that night.

The kiss was just another fluke.

They were both drunk and did things they didn’t mean. Even if Jisung meant it with his full heart- The kiss probably didn’t even mean anything to Felix- it was just another mistake.

Jisung can’t remember a single word of what he knows that he confessed to Felix that night. He was positive whatever he said to Felix was definitely a vital piece of information yet he can’t remember it for the life of him! He can’t even remember why they kissed! Everything that happened that night was a blur.

Despite this, Jisung does remember the moment getting a bit...heated.  How could he be sure kissing was all that they did...What if...

Jisung’s face pales as he shakes his head, quickly brushing away the thought. No, no, no he couldn’t think like that. That couldn’t have happened. But if it did...what would Felix think? What did he think of any of this?

What if Felix thought Jisung liked him? It wouldn’t have been that hard of a conclusion to come to from what Felix saw the night before.

(If only Jisung could remember what the fuck he said to him!)

What if that drove Felix away from him? What excuse would Jisung even have for kissing his best friend like that and not having feelings?

What if Felix got upset because Jisung kissed him and gave him so many mixed signals? What if he regretted every moment that he ever spent with Jisung that night? What if he hated Jisung? What if he never wanted to talk to Jisung again? What if-

Jisung’s spiraling panic was interrupted as a sick feeling over-took him and sent him running to the nearest trash can. Anything Jisung ate the night before quickly made it’s exit, leaving his throat dry, his stomach empty, and his hands shaky.

All Jisung wants to do is hide in his room and never have to face Felix again. He wants to block everything out and run away from all his problems like he always does. But he can’t keep running away, not from Felix.

This wasn’t just a stupid harmless kiss, that didn’t mean anything. It didn’t just happen from the spur of the moment because of a debate about sleeping with his teacher- No, it was so much more.

The passion, the deep confessions he can’t remember, and the safe feeling in Felix's arms. The close intimate moment and blocking out of the world around them to focus on him and Felix. Him and his best friend.

It wasn’t just a kiss it was so, so much more.

If Jisung ran away from something like this, would they ever be the same? There were too many things left unsaid, and too many things left to interpretation, without a clear answer. Would they ever be ever to recover from this?

Jisung wasn’t going to wait around to find out.

With hands still shaking, Jisung grabs his phone from the side of the room. Without looking, his fingers glides over the screen and immediately finds Felix’s contact, already knowing from memory.

Jisung calls and Felix doesn’t answer.

He tries again.

And again.

Again.

Jisung sighs after the eighth try, his heart-rate quickening with each missed call.

Why isn’t Felix answering? Does he see his calls but chooses to ignore him? Does he hate him? Is he just busy? Is he angry with him? Does he just not see it?

Jisung takes in a deep breath before attempting to reel in his rising panic. He should just text Felix. Easy. He’s probably just busy but he’ll see his texts.

sungie ^-^

About last night, I know a lot happened at the party and I think we should talk, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to upset you

I don’t know if you remember everything that happened last night and if you do, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable – sent 11:50 AM

As Jisung types he the only thing he can think about is how Felix could see his texts at any moment now and realize how much he hates him.  He wants a response but he doesn’t want to know the answer. What if Felix saw his text but decided it wasn’t worth replying to? What if Jisung ruined everything between them because of that stupid party?

I understand if you’re mad and I’m really sorry but please let me explain –sent 12:24 AM

Jisung types out after God-knows-how-long of staring at his screen. Maybe it’s only been a minuet, maybe it’s been an hour. Whatever it was, Jisung wouldn’t be able tell you but his eyes begin to water after glaring at his inactive chat with Felix for so long. Whether he’s tearing up from blankly staring at his phone or because of his quickly rising panic was unsure.

Suddenly two dots appear on the bottom of Jisung’s screen causing his heart to jump out of his chest. His previous panic from Felix not responding was now replaced with intensified panic from what would be Felix’s eventual response.

Jisung braces himself for whatever Felix is about to type. Whether it was Felix telling him everything was fine, or that he hated him, or to forget about the night all together-- it didn’t matter. Because Jisung was ready for it. He’d have to be. He’d endure anything if it meant he’d be Felix’s best friend. That’s all that mattered to him.

Felix? -read 2:00 PM

Felix please –read 2:20 PM

The typing dots disappeared, along with Jisung’s thinning hope. Just as quickly as Felix came, he left. Jisung waited a while hoping for a delayed message, a call- anything. But there was no reply. There was nothing.

I can’t lose you –sent 2:50 PM

Jisung can’t just sit down and do nothing. He can’t just run away from his problems like he always does. He has to make this right.

Jisung has nothing on his mind but one mission; to find Felix and apologize before things could get any worse. So, he barely notices the blur of Changbin and his confused calls as he rushes out the front door.

Once again, he’s running.

Except this time, he’s not running away. He’s doing what he should’ve done the first time, before any of this happened.

He passes, cloudy skies, rustling trees, and bleak housing until the scenery changes into something familiar. The place where this all started. Felix’s dorm.

Jisung makes his way next the door before he stops. His instinctive thought was to make his way inside (using the spare key that was still in his left pocket), flop onto Felix’s bed and watch a movie together as they talked and laughed until the stresses of life didn’t feel so heavy.

But Jisung couldn’t just walk in like things were normal- because they weren't. Who knew if they’d ever be the same after this? Who knew if there wouldn’t always be an awkward wall in-between them, blocking their friendship?

Jisung feels like a stranger as he raises his hand to knock on the familiar wooden door. His breathing comes out quick and uneven. Jisung couldn’t be sure whether it was from how quickly he ran here or the anxious thoughts that clouded his mind.

With the adrenaline slowly fading, the reality slowly settled in.

What was Jisung even thinking?

What gave him the right to stand outside of Felix’s door as if Felix owed him something? There was a reason Felix didn’t answer his texts. Jisung should just turn back now. After everything he’s done it’d make sense why Felix would be mad at him. Or ignore him, or not want to see him again, or hate him, or-

The door swung open.

Jisung didn’t get the chance to knock, or to run off before he was face to face with Felix. Hungover with tired eyes, and messy hair, Felix looked just as much a mess as Jisung did. The boys both took a step back in surprise. Felix’s tired, guarded eyes widened and replaced with something more transparent.

Jisung’s mind blanked, from the sight of Felix, his hand still stupidly suspended in the air and ready to knock. Anything Jisung had thought to say conveniently slipped his mind as he tried to remind himself what he came here for.

There was no turning back now.

“Jisung...” Felix muttered, almost as if he was under the same daze as Jisung was in. When the two made eye contact, Jisung felt like he was back home- like everything else had been a dream. They shared a silent passing moment of understanding, something that Jisung couldn’t even begin to describe.

However, he quickly snapped out of it.

“W-what are you doing here?” Felix says, finally regaining himself from the momentary shock.

“Felix, I’m sorry, I don’t really know why I came- Were you going somewhere? I-I can leave-”

Jisung was letting himself fall back again. He was a coward. Always, going back to his old ways to hide when things were new and uncertain, to where everything was safe- but Felix wouldn’t let him.

“No! N-no you don’t need to leave...I was actually on my way to find you.” Felix admits, looking down with a... guilty expression?

He wasn’t mad?

Before Jisung could think on his answer, Felix was opening the door and inviting him to come inside. The walk inside the dorm was so familiar, and with Felix by his side Jisung could almost mistake everything for being normal. But the new tense atmosphere that filled the room was enough to let him know it wasn’t.

Felix leads him into the living room and takes a seat on the coach. Jisung follows his example, gingerly taking a seat. Jisung is careful with his every move in a way he never was before in a space so familiar. He never felt the need to guard himself around Felix. He never had to. But right now, it was the only thing keeping him from letting the flood of tangled words and emotions from coming out. Maybe he didn’t to be so careful but he was anyways.

Felix was his best friend. But Jisung almost felt like he had to remind himself that more than ever. He just wanted to go back to the way things were before. Like the exhilarating feeling he had last night, where everything felt right.

Last night; when he made out with Felix. Last night; when he said things he couldn’t remember. Last night; when he probably ruined his and Felix’s friendship-

“Felix, I'm sorry. For everything, and I understand if-”

“No, don’t.” Felix unexpectedly cut him off, making Jisung’s heart drop.

So, this must be the part when Felix tells him he’d ruined everything in-between them.

“I-I should be the one apologizing.” He says instead.

What?

If Jisung was about to argue the look on Felix’s face told him otherwise. He stays quiet as Felix takes a moment to collect his thoughts.

“I saw your texts,” He decides to start with, immediately gaining Jisung’s attention. Jisung doesn’t know whether the confirmation makes him feel better or worse.

“But I-I didn’t know what to say Jisung, I wanted to answer your calls but I couldn’t. I know, I shouldn’t have done that to you and I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to hurt you again, or play with your emotions and I didn’t know how to tell you that-”

Hurt him? Play with his emotions? Isn’t that everything Jisung’s done to Felix?

Felix takes a deep breath before starting over.

“What happened at the party, please don’t blame yourself for it. We were both drunk and- I know you probably didn’t mean everything you said.” Felix continues, an ounce of hurt in his voice.

Jisung feels a small wave of relief wash over him. Felix didn’t blame him. He wasn’t mad. But that relief is overshadowed by a sense of despair. Felix didn’t mean anything he said last night. He probably regrets it. (And Jisung still can’t remember what he said to Felix).

“With what happened earlier...you didn’t make me u-uncomfortable. I’d be lying if I said I-I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Not just then, but the first time we ki-- the first time too,” The confession was spilling from Felix so quickly Jisung could barely comprehend.

Now, Felix really did it. Jisung couldn’t be any more confused.

“B-but I didn’t want to confuse you or lead you on-- I tried to forget about the whole thing but I just couldn’t and I didn’t know how you really felt and... I didn’t...You’re my best friend Jisung, and I love you, but I don’t know if I love you in ‘that’ way. I-I know it’s confusing. I haven’t felt for anyone the way I feel about you- but I’m not so sure it’s entirely romantic and I- I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you before but I wasn’t sure if you’d be comfortable and after last night I-”

Jisung couldn’t believe it.

There was no way Felix had felt the same way about him this whole time.  It almost didn’t feel real. But the moment it clicked in Jisung’s brain he felt the wall he built up fade away, along with the grueling weeks of confusion and worry. Jisung could almost laugh at himself for how stupid he’d been and how simple it really was.

“...Jisung? Felix questions worriedly, immediately taken back from the abrupt sounds of laughter coming from Jisung.

“N-no, I-I'm sorry it’s n-not-” Jisung struggles in between laughs, trying to make sure Felix knows he isn’t laughing at him.

Jisung takes a deep breath to recollect himself.

“It's j-just that I’ve felt the same way about you for so, so long.” Jisung admits for the first time. After the admission Jisung felt a weight drop off his shoulders and the rest of the words tumbling along with it.

“At first, I was so confused I mean, we’re best friends but I wanted to be closer to you in a way that didn’t really seem friendly but I was so worried it would make you uncomfortable and when we k-kissed- all I could think about was how much I-I wanted to do it again.” Jisung looks up to meet eyes with Felix, so he could understand just how much he meant every word he said.

“I didn’t really understand it so I ignored you and... that was a really dick move. I’m really sorry, I thought it would be better so I wouldn’t hurt you but...” Jisung trailed off, not quiet being able to say the words. He hurt Felix.

Suddenly Felix’s hands were securely wrapped around his.

“I don’t think you understand how happy and relieved I am to hear this right now. I-I thought I was going crazy!” Felix exclaims, with an unbelieving smile and chuckle of his own. Felix’s laughter and happiness was surely contagious because Jisung found himself chuckling along with the other boy, a new warmth forming in his chest.

“Though, I should’ve known if one of us was going through something the other would soon follow. I mean, we’ve always been that way.” He continues, once the laughing calmed down.

Jisung nodded with a smile. It’s true they’ve always been that way. If one of them got sick the other was next. If one of them had a favorite song it would be on repeat in the other’s playlist. If one of them was bad at a subject the other sadly couldn’t help. Whether it was at their highs or lows they always got through it together.

Felix shifted on the couch, the smile on his face slowly fading as the atmosphere turned more serious.

“When you ignored me...I-I can’t say it didn’t hurt; I was afraid I risked our friendship when I kissed you.” Felix began, looking down.

Jisung felt his stomach churn with guilt.

“When I first offered to kiss you for, uh, ‘practice’ I wasn’t really thinking. I thought it’d just be a one-time thing but then I kinda couldn’t stop thinking about it. After we stopped talking, I realized I couldn’t go on without being able to experience that again, or without being close with you...”

“I should’ve never done that to you. I’m sorry, Felix.” Jisung says earnestly, a frown present on his lips.

“It’s okay, you just needed space. You were just trying to figure yourself out. I mean, I’m still trying to figure myself out.”

A beat passed by before Jisung quietly spoke up.

“I think...I think I might be aromantic.”

This was Jisung’s first time admitting this out loud.

After his talk with Changbin, he started researching more about it and- he related to quite a good bit of it. A lot more actually made sense, knowing that Jisung didn’t have to have a relationship be necessarily romantic. Jisung didn’t know everything yet, he was still figuring things out but so was Felix.

“I think I might’ve heard of that before, isn’t that when you don’t like anyone?” Felix asks, looking up as if trying to recall a distant memory.

“Basically. It means that I have little to none romantic attraction for people...I’m still trying to see if the label fits but...I-I think it makes sense for me.”

Felix hums in understanding and Jisung continues.

“I don’t really want to date anyone but when I think of someone that I want to be by my side forever...I think of you Felix. I love you, Felix. You’re my best friend and I couldn’t do this without you.”

Felix gives a soft squeeze to Jisung’s hand.

“I couldn’t this without you either, Jisung. I don’t really know if I’m aromantic or what I am but I just know that I want to be by your side- whatever that means for us. I love you, too Jisung.” He confesses, looking Jisung in the eyes with sincerity.

Jisung feels himself get a bit teary-eyed from Felix’s honest soft-spoken words. Before he knew it, he was being wrapped into safe, soft arms. Jiusng immediately wrapped his arms around Felix, tightening the warm embrace. With Felix holding him like this, Jisung feels as though nothing else can get to him. He feels at peace when he’s with Felix. Everything feels right again.

Jisung wasn’t too sure when the hug ended, but once it did, he was quickly wiping stray tears off his face.

“Gosh we’ve been so stupid, haven’t we?” Felix says with a lopsided smile and teary eyes of his own.

Yeah, they really have.

“I mean, I could’ve been doing this the whole time” He continues, his smile turning into more devious like smirk Jisung recognized all too well.

Jisung doesn’t have time to wonder on his words before Felix is leaning in so close, he can feel his breath. Felix places a quick soft kiss to the corner of Jisung’s mouth with a smile.

“You missed.” Jisung teases, giving Felix a smug look as if to challenge him.

And Felix isn’t one to run away from a challenge.

Felix takes one hand to carefully guide the back of Jisung’s head, pulling him in closer. Nose to nose, the two boys pause to look into each other’s eyes. Words weren't needed in that moment to communicate just how much they needed each other. They were each other’s missing piece. They wouldn’t be complete without each other. Jisung and Felix. Felix and Jisung.

Well, if Felix wasn’t going to, Jisung would.

Jisung took the last step to connect their lips together. The moment they met worlds it felt like time stopped. The kiss was slow, and gentle as if any wrong movement could tear them apart. And maybe in the fragile moment it would, but there was never a moment in Jisung’s life where he felt more secure. It was like Felix and Jisung were born to be together like this.

Sure, they were still new to this and still figuring themselves out, being best friends and blurring the lines between friendship and romance. It wasn’t going to be easy. However, Jisung had no doubt that they’d get through this together. They did everything together after-all.

This was surely a hell lot better than sleeping with his professor anyways.