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Buck's remote control isn't working.
And it's not even a big deal, not really— it shouldn't be a big deal, because he has changed the batteries very recently, so everything should be fine, but everything is not fine, because even with the new batteries, the damn remote isn't working.
And the worst thing is, it feels like it's too late to change it when Buck notices it.
It's one of those days for Buck where he feels…weird. He doesn't have the right word for it. Lost, maybe. Or hollow. Maybe tired or even scared. Hell, he feels all of it, but there is something in him— in his chest, something heavy that Buck can't name.
The last few weeks were a shit show for him— for the 118 in general, but mostly for him, it's been a while since he's lost someone on a call and it felt like a slap in the face about how he was clearly taking some things for granted, and ever since then, Buck can feel himself slowly slipping.
The truth is, Buck has been feeling like this for a long time, longer than he admits; since Eddie's shooting, since Daniel, maybe even since he was only a little kid, but if there is something no one can deny, it's that Evan Buckley is a master of masking his emotions. It comes to him like a second nature, it's easy, it's a habit. He does it probably without even knowing. He wakes up and puts on his best smile, and goes on with his day.
But for some reason, lately it's getting harder to do that. Which is ironic considering his life is back to normal, Eddie is back with the 118, Maddie is back and patching things up with Chim, it's been months since he broke up with Taylor, so everything is back to how they were; and that means he should also feel normal, right?
But he doesn't. He can't. It's turning into something draining and things feel heavier day by day.
And today, everything falls apart.
Starting with a remote control.
They have a calm shift today, only minor calls here and there, and usually it drives Buck crazy because he can't sit still for more than fifteen minutes to save his life, but today he can't even sit still for one minute. He just feels so restless and agitated, he wants to move, to do something, anything that will keep him occupied enough to not fall into his racing thoughts. As if it's not bad already, it's Eddie's off day so he feels even more on edge. The only thing Buck is doing right now is to sit on the kitchen table and stare around with a sulk on his face.
Bobby must have noticed this, because by the time there are a few hours left for their shift to end and still no calls, he makes an offer to Buck.
"Come with me." Bobby says as he lightly slaps Buck's shoulder and makes his way towards the kitchen.
Buck's face falls into a frown, but he gets up anyway. "Uh— why?"
"I'm going to teach you another recipe."
Buck rests his elbows on the counter and watches Bobby take out a few things from the fridge. "Okay." He says hesitantly.
It's better than doing nothing after all, he loves Bobby's foods— Bobby has been teaching him more and more, and he also loves making them at home, for himself and for Eddie and Chris, so the offer feels nice.
They finish cooking and Buck calls over Hen and Chim to give it a try— it's a success, and by the time they finish their food and tidy the kitchen, their shift ends.
It makes him slightly feel better, both the food and just to be able to spend some time with Bobby, it distracts him more than he thought it would which is nice; Buck leaves the station with Hen and Chim after they say their goodbyes to Bobby who is still in the kitchen doing some paperworks, and drives home.
Which is where the real problem starts.
Buck slides himself into his loft and tosses his bag on the floor as he goes over to his kitchen to have a glass of water. The high of the dinner he had with the 118 is fading, and he can feel the restlessness and the uncomfortable feeling of heaviness slowly creeping up on him. As much as there is nothing more Buck wants to do than text Eddie and go over to his place, spend some time with Chris and maybe even spend the night, he knows Eddie and Chris will be at Tia Pepa's house for dinner tonight, so he doesn't even bother taking out his phone.
He has to find something to entertain himself alone.
He takes a quick shower and changes into his hoodie and a pair of black sweatpants— the weather isn't exactly cold, but he feels slight tremors running through his body, then makes his way to his living room and sits on his armchair with a remote control in his hand.
Which turns out to be not working.
His brows furrow as he stares at his remote, and stretches his arm straight as he presses a few buttons, trying again to make it work.
Nothing happens. The TV stays off.
"What the hell?" He mumbles an lightly taps the remote against his palm before he tries again.
But it doesn't work.
Buck lets out an exasperated sigh and straightens himself up on his armchair. He shakes the remote next to his ear, trying to hear if there are any dislocated pieces, but he doesn't hear anything, and it just makes his anger top up a notch.
"Why is it not working?" Buck says to himself and presses the buttons, harder this time, then hits it against his thigh for a couple of times, but none of those things bring the remote to work.
It doesn't even make any sense, he's just changed the batteries very recently, not even a week ago, and he used it very clean and carefully, he is not the type to batter his stuff, so there is no reason for it to not work. He did everything right, so it should work.
But it doesn't. The fucking remote control doesn't work.
His grasp around the remote tightens without him noticing, and he lowers his head to stare at the useless thing in his hand. "Why aren't you working?" He whispers at it, as if it will give him an answer.
Because it has everything it needs to work, Buck made sure of that, but if something is still not right, that means maybe the remote control itself has a problem. A problem within .
Maybe it's broken, maybe it has been faulty or damaged from the beginning and functioning at the minimum until it finally had enough and called it quits.
Maybe it wasn't even worth getting new batteries for anyway, maybe no amount of the most expensive and high quality batteries would be able to make it work; why would they if there is something wrong inside? Something that neither Buck nor anyone else can fix. Something that was there all along that Buck refused to see it.
Suddenly, Buck can't see the remote control clearly, his vision is getting blurry and something burns behind his eyes and his face feels so hot, like it's on fire. The thump of his heart gets faster and stronger, hitting against his chest hard and hurting him. A tear rolls down his face and falls onto the black plastic.
The sight causes his tears to dwell even faster and he hates himself for it because come on, Buck is not going to cry over a fucking remote, he is not that weak. But he can't hold back his tears, they keep rolling down his face silently only to fall and wet his remote, and he can't see anything clearly anymore, his face feels so hot and his eyes burn and his heart feels heavy, everything feels too much and everything hurts because the fucking remote isn't working when it should be, and Buck can't even stop himself from crying over a stupid piece of plastic because.
Bobby's phone chimes with a text message when he finishes the last of his paperwork. He stayed in the station for an hour or so after the 118 left to complete his paperworks, and now that they are finished, he can't wait to go home and get some well deserved rest, since their shift tomorrow will start afternoon.
He checks his phone and smiles fondly as he reads the message sent by Athena, asking him to buy some fruits on his way home. After replying to her and letting her know that he's leaving the station in 5, he gathers his papers and gets on his feet to go downstairs. But only, another chime stops him from moving and gets all of his attention. A chime that doesn't belong to his phone.
Bobby turns his head to the source and sees a phone with a lit up screen on the kitchen counter, he gets closer and recognizes from the case that the phone belongs to Buck. Must have forgotten it there when he was helping Bobby in the kitchen. Bobby takes the phone in his hand, he'll drop it at Buck's on his way home, but his eyes gaze upon the lit screen involuntarily. Not that he is curious— it's a personal device after all, but it happens in a split second and by the time he stops himself he already happens to be finished reading the text.
I'm leaving in an hour, Chris will stay at Tia Pepa tonight, you can come over if you're not feeling tired.
The message twists up Bobby's lips and he feels content for some reason. The text feels intimate, there is a feeling of belonging to it; it just makes Bobby happy to see Buck and Eddie having such a close and meaningful relationship, with or without them noticing. All Bobby has to do is to wait for it to dawn on one of them eventually.
He doesn't waste any more time by being slow so he picks up his stuff quickly and leaves the station with a quick goodbye to other firefighters on his way to his car.
Before he drives home, Bobby goes to Buck's loft to give him his phone.
He spots Buck's jeep on the parking lot when Bobby turns off his engine, meaning Buck should be at home which is good considering he will be knocking on Buck's door unannounced in the following minutes, he gets off his car and finds the stairs, pushing the floor button that will lead him to Buck.
Bobby stands outside Buck's door and knocks two times.
He waits for a few seconds for the door to open, but when it doesn't he tries again. Unless he went for a walk or somewhere nearby, Buck should be home.
"Buck, are you in there?" Bobby asks as he knocks again.
This time, the lock clicks, and as the door slowly creaks open and reveals the man behind it, Bobby's heart drops in his chest.
Behind the door, here is Buck standing with his shoulder hunched as if they are struggling to carry the weight of the world, his curls disheveled like they've been ruffled, and what looks like a remote control grasped tightly in his hand. But what gets Bobby's attention and becomes the reason for the worry to grow inside him happens to be Buck's face.
The kid's eyes look red rimmed and teary, his forehead wrinkled and his lips pursed— some parts of his lower lip bitten and picked, and there is a broken, vulnerable look behind his glassy blues, it breaks Bobby's heart.
Something must have happened between those few hours, something that causes Buck to turn into this.
But if he knows Buck, he knows Buck will withdraw into his shell if Bobby forces to get some answers from him.
So he plays along.
"Bobby?" Buck's face falls into a frown, his voice rough and cracked.
"Hi." Bobby greets him in a calm voice. "Can I come in?"
Buck stares at Bobby, and then twists his head to stare inside, then at Bobby again, still looking baffled. "Uh, su-sure." He sniffles as he opens the door wider and steps aside to let Bobby in.
Bobby looks around the loft as he steps inside. The place looks clean and neat, nothing seems to be shattered or ruined, and everything is in its place.
There isn't anything wrong that catches Bobby's eyes and although it eases some of his worry, there is a suffocating atmosphere surrounding the loft and he wants to know what happened.
"You forgot your phone." Bobby takes out Buck's phone from his pocket and holds it in the air to show Buck before putting it on the kitchen table and sitting on a chair, rotating it so he can face the chair next to him.
Buck runs a hand down his face and slowly follows him. "I didn't even notice." He sits next to Bobby, running his gaze away from him as he ducks his head. "Thanks."
"Is everything okay?" Bobby asks, tilting his head and trying to see Buck's face.
Buck's hand around the remote tightens, he lifts his head and shoots a quick glance at Bobby, then looks away. "Um— my remote control—" He clears his throat. "It's not working." Buck fidgets in his chair, dropping his head briefly before lifting his eyes to look at Bobby, only to look away again.
"Okay." Bobby acknowledges, calmer this time. He patiently waits for Buck to continue.
"And— uh…" Buck sniffles and shrugs, his eyes slowly forming new tears. "I changed the batteries recently, so it should be working." His lips curve into a bittersweet smile and he nods.
"But it's not working?" Bobby asks him— trying to lead Buck.
Buck shakes his head, his voice trembling. "No."
Bobby slowly returns the nod, all his attention fixed on Buck. "Do you know why?"
"I think it's broken." Buck blurts out in a shuddering breath, a tear rolls down to his jaw and his face screws at the word broken , like he is repulsed by it. "And— and I did everything I could—" He lifts his head up and stares at the ceiling, more tears rolling down as he blinks. Buck clenches his eyes shut and drops his head with an annoyed groan ripping his throat. "I did everything I could but it's still broken."
Bobby drags his chair closer, his knees brushing against Buck's. Before he can say anything, Buck speaks.
"And that means it's faulty, right?" His voice cracks at the word and he sucks in a sharp breath. Buck puts the remote on the table and brings his hand to scratch his head— his hand trembles. "It can't be fixed."
"Maybe you can get a new one?" Bobby asks him gently.
But no matter how gentle he tries to be, the question breaks something in Buck, and something in Bobby in return.
Buck shakes his head and digs his teeth into his lower lip, his face crumbling as his tears fall freely. "I can't. It's all I have." He whispers, his breath hitching in his throat. "I'm stuck with it." He chokes out a cry but immediately closes his mouth to swallow it down. "And I tried so hard but nothing worked."
The conversation is shifting to something else, something entirely different, and Bobby knew this from the beginning, but still it doesn't make it easier for him. Not when Buck crumbles into pieces right before his eyes, his masks shattering and leaving him exposed and unguarded. Unraveling the broken kid living inside him all those years that's begging to come out of his shell.
It's finally happening, and Bobby is there to see it.
And it breaks him with it.
Buck lifts his head and looks at Bobby, the light in his eyes leaving its place to darkness. The rise and fall of his chest gets unsteady. "I'm always trying but nothing is working." He chokes out a desperate cry he has been trying to hold for the longest time. "I'm— I'm trying my best, I swear I am." His face twists and his head drops on his chest as he breaks into a hiccuped sob. Buck's shaking hands grasps his thighs as he shakes his head. "But it's never enough. I'm never enough."
Bobby doesn't speak, he doesn't even breathe, he just listens.
"I don't know what else to do." He chokes out a broken cry and his shoulders shake, his flushed face a mess made of tears. "I'm doing everything I can, but it doesn't work."
Buck raises his head and looks at Bobby, the look on Buck's face sits on Bobby's chest like a ton of bricks, making his throat close up. Begging Bobby to be seen. "I'm trying so hard— so hard, but— but I'm just human." Another heart wrenching sob tears his throat and he shakes his head, his face crumbled and his ruined voice only coming out in a whisper. "And nobody sees that." His trembling hands lift in the air but fall back on his thighs, his shoulders hunched.
"I'm just human but nobody sees that, nobody sees me and— and I'm so tired." Buck blurts out, his breath catching in his throat and coming out short. "I just want to be enough just for once. That's all I want."
Buck tries to take in a deep breath but ends up choking out a loud, ugly cry. He folds over and shakes his head, his cries not leaving him a room to breathe properly, shoulders shaking with each sob. "I just want people to love me."
And with that, Buck cracks into pieces
Only for Bobby to hold him together.
"God, kid." Bobby whispers and holds Buck by the arm, pulling him into his chest. He wraps his arms around the kid, wraps them tight and holds him, his one hand sliding up to rest on the back of Buck's head and resting his chin on top of Buck's head.
Buck's arms stay trapped between Bobby's and his chest, but his hands grasp the fabric of Bobby's shirt, holding onto him for dear life. His muffled sobs vibrate against Bobby's chest, he brings his hand on Bobby's shoulder and clings to him, his tears wetting his shirt and the crook of his neck. "Please, I just want to be enough."
"You are enough." Bobby tightens his hold. His voice whispered but soothing. "You are much more than enough, son."
Buck only cries harder, his body trembling under Bobby, and he shakes his head. "I'm so tired."
"It's okay." Bobby's hand rubs up and down on Buck's back. "You can let go."
In the middle of Buck's lifeless loft, Bobby lets the man he sees like his own son break down and shatter into millions of pieces as he holds him close to his chest and whispers nothing but the truth, telling him he's enough until his own voice gets rough.
A while passes for Buck's sobs to die down, but even then Bobby keeps holding Buck. He keeps lightly rubbing Buck's back and scratches his scalp, speaks soft reassurances; he never loosens his hold.
It's been so long since the last time they hugged— let alone hugged like this, and a part of Bobby feels the need for this, too, so he keeps his arms around Buck not only for the younger man, but for himself as well. He embraces the slight tremors running through Buck's body and his hot, hitching breath tickling his neck.
"You are loved," Bobby tells him. "and you are enough."
They pull apart after some time, and Buck keeps his head dropped on his chest without saying a word. His eyes look bloodshot and his face looks ruined from what Bobby can see, his composure worn down and finally calling it quits, letting go of all of the burden it's been holding.
Bobby gets him a glass of water and puts it on the table next to them but Buck doesn't drink it. He just shakes his head and picks the skin around his nails with his thumb, completely ignoring making eye contact.
Bobby goes over to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water and takes out his phone to shoot a text to Athena, letting her know he may not come home today with a brief explanation of the situation, then clicks on Eddie's name and sends him a text.
Can you come over to Buck's place?
The text message Eddie's been waiting for finally finds his phone with a soft chime. He's been home alone for some time now, waiting for Buck to answer him— Eddie figured Buck was probably taking a nap when he didn't answer; and now he gets a text.
"Finally." Eddie mumbles to himself as he takes his phone in his hand and stares at the screen.
The text message turns out to be not the one he was expecting.
It is something that catches him off guard and stirs up his worry hard enough to make him spring to his feet.
Why would Bobby ask him to come over to Buck's place?
Why would Bobby, at this hour, tell him to come over to Buck's place?
Did something happen during the shift?
Is Buck injured?
Is he dead?
Without wasting any second, he calls Bobby but Bobby ignores his call and sends him another text.
Which pushes him more towards the edge of losing his mind.
Not a good time for a phone call.
What the fuck does that even mean?
Eddie takes in a deep breath and shakes his head, his shaking fingers tapping on the screen.
Is he ok? What happened?
Eddie stares at the screen until he sees a reply.
Physically, yes.
He covers his eyes with his hand and brings his fingers to pinch the bridge of his nose, his low voice distressed. "Damn it."
I'll be there in 15.
Eddie storms out of his home and drives to Buck's loft.
He doesn't remember the ride, his mind was busy jumping between countless possibilities and scenarios ranging from the worst to less worse, at some point Eddie has started to think it's a miracle he made it outside Buck's home without any accidents.
Before he can even remember that he has a spare key, Eddie finds himself knocking on Buck's door, having no clue of what to expect.
The door slowly opens and Bobby greets him with a different look on his face that Eddie can't really describe.
He looks calm, but still Eddie can see the concern and sadness fighting to take over no matter how good Bobby masks them.
The rushing of his blood through Eddie's ears suddenly stops when he sees him.
Only a few steps away from Eddie, Buck is collapsed on a chair, his head ducked and hands resting loosely on his lap, fingers picking the side of his nails. A nervous habit that Eddie stops him from doing by putting his hand on top of Buck's whenever he catches Buck doing it.
He looks impossibly small and fragile, all of his strength long gone, and Eddie realizes not one of his racing thoughts was worse enough to prepare him for this.
"I'm gonna make a phone call." Bobby tells him quietly. "I'll be outside."
Which is just an excuse to leave them alone, Eddie is pretty sure of that, yet the thoughtful sentiment doesn't fail to touch his heart.
He gives Bobby a quick nod and quietly walks towards Buck to sit on the chair in front of him as Bobby leaves them alone.
Eddie places his hand on Buck's, fingers lightly squeezing to stop him from ripping his skin. His other hand lifts up and fingers gently brush the curls back. He lowers his head and tries to meet Buck's eyes but fails, his voice soft and soothing. "Hey."
Buck sniffles and stops his hands from moving, but doesn't lift his head.
Eddie cups Buck's face, drawing himself closer. "Can I see you?"
And it's like a dam breaking. Buck lifts his head and looks at Eddie in a way that steps on his chest and squeezes his throat until he is out of air, he looks at Eddie with his baby blues that are so broken and sad and desperate and it fucking hurts , his heart aches so much.
But when Buck looks at Eddie, really looks him in the eye, his dried eyes start to glisten with fresh tears and he can't stop his face from crumbling, he chokes out a cry but before he can drop his head again, Eddie brings himself closer to envelops Buck and Buck wraps his arms around Eddie's neck, pressing his eyes on Eddie's shoulder as he cries and cries.
"You're okay." Eddie whispers and draws tiny circles on Buck's shoulder blades, massaging the tense muscles lightly. "I'm here."
Buck clings onto his back and his cries shake Eddie with him, his breath hitches, turning into hiccups between his muffled cries as he lets out silenced whimpers.
"Shh, it's okay." Eddie finds himself planting a light kiss on Buck's hairline, not that he cares but he does it so instinctively and without even thinking. He rests his temple against Buck's head and lets out a sigh, closing his own eyes to feel Buck's presence.
Buck looks dead on his feet by the time he stops crying, his eyes puffy and his hair unkept, wrinkles on his forehead and redness around his eyes; Bobby comes inside not so long after and tells them he is staying the night even though Eddie tells him not to because he himself will be staying, and Buck tells him not to waste his time here instead of his family that's waiting for him.
They all look tired and worn down even though it's not that late, especially Buck, so Eddie wraps his fingers around Buck's wrist and guides him upstairs to lay down while Bobby gets himself a duvet and a pillow and makes a makeshift bed on the floor downstairs.
Eddie switches the lights off before laying on the bed next to Buck— not that he has any other option, but also he doesn't want to keep him out of his sight; they stare at each other as they lay on their side and Eddie notices Buck's face looks a little flushed even under the dark, so he rests the back of his hand on Buck's cheek and checks his temperature while Buck keeps his eyes on him, watching Eddie silently.
Eddie lowers his hand in the space between them when he makes sure Buck's skin doesn't feel warm, probably because of all the crying. "You don't have a fever."
Then, he asks the question he is dying to know the answer to, his voice in a calm whisper. "What happened?"
Buck's tired eyes look down. "My remote broke."
"Oka—"
"Am I not enough?" Buck's voice trembles.
Eddie's eyes widen at the question, but his face softens. "You are more than enough, you are just right."
Buck lifts his eyes to look at Eddie. "Why can't I see that?"
"Sometimes you have to learn to see things." Eddie smiles faintly at him.
Buck's eyes shine and he bites down his lip, his choked voice wet. "I'm so tired."
"It's okay, you have time." Eddie tells him softly. "You can rest."
A tear rolls down the bridge of Buck's nose as he whispers broken words, shaking his head. "I don't know how to do that."
Eddie swallows down the heavy lump in his throat and gives Buck a tiny nod, barely keeping himself together. "I'll help you." He brings his hand to card through Buck's curls. "Close your eyes."
Few drops of tears roll down as Buck's eyes droop, Eddie slowly running his fingers through Buck's hair to soothe him; his own eyes closing just after Buck's breaths even out.
It's the break of day when Eddie opens his eyes, and the first thing he notices is the scent of sweet milk shampoo beneath his nose, followed by a warm body under his arms.
He doesn't know how, but Eddie ends up snuggling against Buck with his chest plastered to the younger man's back some time during the night, his one arm trapped under Buck's neck and his other arm slipped under Buck's armpit, wrapped around his chest and holding him close. It's not uncomfortable, not by a long shot; if anything the easiness and familial feeling that comes with it warm Eddie's insides.
It's still early, and he can almost hear Bobby's soft snoring downstairs, so Eddie closes his eyes and nuzzles his nose into Buck's curls, falling back to sleep within seconds.
Bobby stretches his hand towards Eddie. "Give me the Phillips."
"There you go." Eddie places the screwdriver on Bobby's open palm.
It's morning after Buck's breakdown, and Bobby is extremely determined to make the remote work again.
The breakfast was set when Eddie woke up, and Buck was still sleeping soundly in his arms, so he extracted himself as carefully as he could to not wake him up— Buck didn't even stir, which was telling how exhausted he must have been feeling, and went downstairs to sit with Bobby.
Buck woke up an hour or so later and sat next to them, his eyes puffy and his pale face still tired, and ate a few bites with Bobby's insistence, drinking a glass of water as well.
And now, all three of them are sitting around the dining table, trying to fix the remote; more so Bobby being his daddest self and trying to fix it while Eddie helps him with the tools, and Buck just watches them silently with staring at Bobby's hands in full focus and breathing steadily through his parted lips, his shoulders hunched and hair ruffled. He looks fucking adorable that Eddie can't stop staring him as a fond smile finds his lips.
"Eddie." Bobby's firm voice gets his attention and he snaps his head to Bobby. "I said Phillips, not this one."
"Sorry." Eddie fakes a pout and hands him the correct one this time.
Bobby loosens the screws and disassembles the remote into pieces, and looks at the circuit board very carefully. Both Eddie and Buck's brows knit when Bobby starts to smile in a victorious way.
"What?" Eddie says.
Bobby points at the circuit board, at the battery contact. "Do you see it? The joints are slightly out of touch."
Eddie looks at the thing and nods in awe. "Yeah."
"Where?" Buck leans forward over the table, sticking his head out.
Eddie puts his hand on Buck's back and points at the part with the other. "Here. See?"
"Oh." Buck looks at Eddie, then at Bobby, his expression surprised. "So it's not— it's not broken?" Even his voice sounds surprised and it breaks Eddie's heart a little because he can also hear the hopeful undertone to it.
"No." Bobby shakes his head. "Just needed a hand."
It takes a few minutes for Bobby to fix it— Eddie doesn't know how, it's too complicated for him, and assembles the remote back together, then presses the red button.
The TV turns on.
"Ha!" Eddie claps his hands with a grin on his face and his first reaction happens to be to look at Buck, who is already looking at him with a soft smile on his lips, his eyes shining but not because of the tears.
Eddie's eyes stare deeply into Buck's, sharing a meaningful look. He knows Buck understands him because he himself understands Buck, they understand each other even when words don't feel enough.
It doesn't end there, Eddie knows eventually Buck needs to heal but it is a start and Eddie also knows he will be there by Buck's side through all of this.
Starting with the remote.