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Cassandra understood feelings, that was never the problem. She always understood the feelings. She just felt them. As if they happened to her. Naming them was the trouble. She’d see something normal, like Oracle spilling coffee on the sleeve of her sweater. Oracle would feel all red-hot with her muscles tensing and eyebrows scrunching together. Cass would feel it too. It was called “anger.” With a little bit of “annoyed.” Annoyed sometimes felt like anger. Sometimes not.
And that was the issue. Oracle was angry, but not angry angry. Cassandra could feel the distinct experience, could pinpoint every detail of the red headed woman’s emotional response. But was it right to call it angry? Oracle’s “upset about the stain on her favorite article of clothing and wasting her precious caffeinated drink” angry and Batman’s “the fight seems never ending, the city is failing her people” angry were two very different reactions.
Mild anger could be called “irritated” or “irked.” Spoiler would say, “being pissed off.” Batman’s anger was “hostility.”
Feelings could be so different. They left Cass torn. Sometimes she wished for a million more words in the world to describe it all. Sometimes she wished for a million less. She wasn’t sure which would be less confusing for her.
Either way, labeling all the ways a person could be angry had become a breeze. Angry and sad and hurt and frustrated and scared. She was becoming an expert on it all, her vocabulary expanding every night. In the Tower. On the street. In the Cave.
But now? There was a new feeling creeping onto her radar.
She wasn’t a total stranger to it, she had seen it, she’d felt others feel it before. It wasn’t an everyday occurrence, but sometimes she’d walk around and someone would catch the eye of another. It would produce a warm, heart-beating and eyes-darkening sensation. She knew what it meant, vaguely. But the feeling was usually fleeting and Cassandra never gave it much thought.
Until now. The stupid feeling was unavoidable now. Practically all around her, and she had no clue what to call it.
She first noticed it at Oracle’s tower, having just come back from patrol. It was about two hours earlier than she’d normally “come home” but Oracle was attempting to implement a weekly patrol limit to prevent Cass from overworking herself.
“Girls weren’t meant to live in the dark,” the woman had said to her, her screens and maps reflecting back in the lenses of her round glasses. Cassandra had to admit she was in awe of how well Oracle could focus on work while also telling someone off. “Your body will need rest. And, if you gave it a chance, I think you’d find sunshine is a beautiful thing.”
“I’ve seen it,” Cassandra snapped back, though she feared the comment came out harsher than she intended. Cass didn’t mean to push Oracle’s buttons as often as she did. It was just such an easy thing to do.
However, Barbara hadn’t seemed bothered by the remark.
“For more than five minutes?” she asked the younger girl with just the right amount of sarcasm and a smile.
All that to say, the patrol limit currently sat at a low success rate.
But the Batgirl wasn’t trying to make a complete enemy of the person who was letting her sleep on her couch, so she reluctantly complied with Oracle’s request to turn in for the night.
Which is what led her to see...see something.
She heard the voices first.
She crawled into the tower, ripping off her mask as soon as she entered (she and Spoiler had lamented how sweaty the things could get). Barbara’s voice had a familiar tone she frequently used with Cass. But there was now something different, something new. The second voice, Cass recognized as Nightwing.
Cassandra learned quickly, that besides Spoiler, it was impossible to sneak up on anyone in the Bat operation. Yet, almost on instinct, Cass felt the need to slip into Oracle’s computer room without making a sound. As if she was worried about interrupting something important. Or something private. As Cass stood in the doorway, Oracle hadn’t even acknowledged her entrance. She and Nightwing were crowded together by the primary console, bickering. Not in any way serious, Cass could see that. In jest, the man reached towards Oracle’s face, threatening to take her glasses. Cass saw her playfully swat his hand away while demonstrating her signature eye roll. He continued to touch a stand of her hair that had fallen out of place. It was one of the lightest, softest touches Cassandra had ever seen.
If Barbara was actually attempting to be stern with him, Cass was watching her fail miserably. There was nothing harsh in her face, her voice or in her eyes. The Batgirl stared at them. Their bodies were relaxed and she could feel how close they wanted to be, the pull between the couple filling up the room. They two looked so happy and she felt like she couldn’t escape it.
It was strange. Here and there, Cassandra had seen stolen glances between the two. She felt the quick pulses. But these moments were never so long and so open as whatever was happening before her. Over within seconds. Nothing substantial, at least from her point of view. Definitely nothing important enough for Barbara to tell Cassandra about (if that was something they would tell each other. She was still trying to figure that out).
The couple finally let their conversation drop and turned their attention to Cass. A slight pink blush sat across Barbara’s cheeks, which was not an expression she’d ever seen on the woman.
“Hey, Batgirl,” Nightwing addressed Cass, grinning as he spoke. “What’s the good fight look like out there?”
Their relationship started rather rocky, but as Cass warmed up to the family (or as the family warmed up to her), Nightwing had become almost overly friendly. Barbara informed her “that’s just how he is” and she should take it as a sign of welcoming.
“The same,” Cass replied. She was frowning, though she wasn’t sure why. She supposed they suited each other, and she liked to see Barbara happy. But watching it all made her just want to leave the two as quickly as possible. The feeling they produced bothered her.
“I’m…going to bed,” Cass said matter-of-factly, struggling to make eye contact. She felt self-conscious, which seemed silly considering she hadn’t even done anything.
“Promise you’ll eat something,” Oracle called to her as the girl turned to leave. It was a genuine, caring request.
Cass grumbled in response and could hear Nightwing’s laughter in the distance.
Batgirl knew Oracle cared for her. But it was a unique type of affection. Nothing of that weird feeling Barbara presented to her former Boy Wonder. In the back of her mind, Cass knew how Barbara felt about her. But that type of love…that familial love, was still so overwhelming. The fact Oracle knew everything and still wanted to love her? Cass suspected it was too good to be true. And one day, Barbara would come to her senses and leave Cass behind. Cass worked hard to stop any thoughts of seeing the woman as a sister, or as a mother. They were too painful to dwell on.
So, she continued to tiptoe around the others. Watching them was not something she planned on making a habit of. But, by accident, she soon found herself in the same position nearly two weeks later.
Batman had taken Robin out of Gotham for something important. She wasn’t too interested in what the Dynamic Duo did outside of the city limits, so she hadn’t stuck around to hear the details. Gotham was her responsibility and Batman entrusted her with that. Besides, with Oracle still as her primary caretaker, for lack of a better term, the Bat being out of town didn't impact her too much.
It was the fourth day of Batman being absent and Cassandra had gone on patrol with Spoiler the three nights prior. Patrol with Spoiler had been...interesting.
With Spoiler, Cass had to be cautious. Spoiler was brave but not calculated. She rushed into fights and repeatedly leapt without looking. And the girl really never stopped talking.
Cassandra had heard that complaint from Oracle before, but seeing it on the field was something different. Spoiler was chatty with every person the girls would jump upon. She’d make a joke about every billboard they’d fly past, and if there ever was a moment of stillness, she’d whisper to Cass about how much she disliked her math class.
At first, Spoiler’s presence was an unwanted distraction. Just another person holding her back. But as she spent more time with the girl, Cass was becoming mesmerized.
Even when the girl’s mouth wasn’t open, her body continued to speak for her.
She was the easiest person to read. Everything was there, as if each motion was explicitly for Cass to see. She’d pull at the edges of her pinky-purple cape when she was nervous. She’d tilt her chin upwards when she was trying to pass as brave, even though the rest of her body would be shaking and her heart pounding fast. She had a certain bounce when she was excited, but played with her blonde ponytail when she was bored (a behavior most often seen during debriefs at the Clocktower). And when she smiled, that real smile where her nose would crinkle, Cass swore felt the other girl’s happiness more than she’d ever felt her own.
She had to admit, it was reassuring to have a partner in their line of work. Even if that partner slowed her down a bit. She now understood why the Batman kept so many of them around.
And though she couldn’t explain why, it was Spoiler’s...Stephanie’s smile, she was hoping she’d see that night. Spoiler laughed at a lot of things, but Cass had never made her do so. Humor was something she was still trying to master, and to make Stephanie laugh? It seemed like a good way to solidify their friendship.
Cassandra woke up midafternoon and spent the entire day waiting for dusk, when she could see her purple-clothed friend again. Her body tingled with a strange anxiousness as she flew across the city. It wasn’t as if the night was any different from her previous outings, and she was far too late in the crime fighting game to be getting cold feet.
She dropped down to the rooftops, making her way to the building where the girls planned to meet. It was to her surprise, there was another figure on the designated roof. Two people, in an embrace.
The Batgirl froze suddenly before ducking around the architecture to be hidden from view.
She watched the figures, she now recognized as Spoiler and Robin, kissing. Suddenly, that stupid feeling in front of her again. Different now. More intense. Even more unavoidable. And she was just there, watching. She couldn’t explain why, but she felt her brain short circuit like a computer Oracle would own.
Cassandra held her breath as Spoiler moved closer to Robin, one arm around his neck, the other tightly clutching her mask. She watched the boy move his hands with uncertainty and felt his heart rate increase rapidly. While Robin seemed to almost squirm, Cass could see how Spoiler wished his hands were on her hips like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Cass knew Spoiler and Robin were “together.” Stephanie had been very excited to share that news. But Cass had never seen them act “together” before. She hardly knew what “together” looked like, besides what she saw on TV. Except the TV was fake and this was real. Very real, very new and directly in front of her. And it was probably not okay for her to watch. Especially since the teens had noticed her gawking.
“Batgirl!” Spoiler called to her. She broke away from Robin rather quickly, almost pushing herself away from the boy to propel herself towards Cass. He looked shocked, his glance moving back and forth between the two girls.
“Guess who surprised me by coming back early?”
Cass could guess.
“I...I have to go,” Cass said, thankful her mask covered her expression entirely. She felt incredibly vulnerable in the confrontation, which wasn’t a feeling she was used to. She looked past her friend, staring out at the lights of the world ahead of her. Robin had walked up to the girls, and out of the corner of her eye, she saw him reach out to hold one of Stephanie’s hands. “Something...came up,” she told her friend.
“Oh,” Spoiler replied. There was disappointment in her voice. Mixed with embarrassment. And just a little shame. Cass felt pretty much the same. With just a little of that pesky anger.
“Are you sure?” Spoiler continued. “Because the three of us would make a good team out there.” As she spoke, she dropped her boyfriend’s hand and picked at the bottom of her cape, pulling it closer to herself like a child holding a blanket.
Cassandra looked back at the girl.
“See you...later,” was all Cass said to her as she backed away, preparing to leap from the roof. She moved quickly, missing anything else Spoiler had to say. The goodbye was probably more than the Batman gave anyone, so perhaps Spoiler should have been thankful. But the only thing on Cass’s mind was getting away from the rooftop.
She avoided Stephanie for over a week after that.
It was an easy thing to do. Batman kept her busy. Oracle kept her hard at work with their lessons.
But patrols without Stephanie were quieter. Quicker, but quieter. The Batgirl almost felt off her game without the other girl’s chatter and her mind felt boggled up with thoughts and feelings. Feelings Cass knew. Walking in on Barbara and Nightwing was something small. It was embarrassing to interrupt, but her new annoyance was that Nightwing spent so much time at the tower, and yet, the couple had done nothing but make eyes at each other.
Stumbling on Robin and Stephanie was different. Cass wished she could call the feeling she had for the blonde girl indescribable. There was some deniability in that. Cass liked Robin fine. He was smart and good in a fight. But there was another emotion there. It was called jealousy. That at the end of the day, Stephanie would look at him differently. She would love him differently than she would Cass (if she were ever to love her, even as a friend). It wouldn’t even be fair to call it a competition. Cassandra had already lost and Robin didn’t even know he was playing.
And yet, surprising enough, Cass wasn’t completely broken over the fact. There was a thrill about it all too. To see people in this new way. It was as if another part of her brain was opened for the first time. People caught her attention. They looked different. Not everyone, not even most. But there were a special few who looked absolutely beautiful to her. And only in the moments before she’d close her eyes when falling asleep, would she admit to herself that it was Stephanie who she thought of the most.
Cass knew Barbara could tell something was different, especially when she continuously turned in at her patrol “curfew” with no objection.
“Are you feeling okay?” Barbara asked as she rubbed her eyes from behind her glasses and stifled a yawn. The screens illuminated her face, shining information Cass couldn’t understand.
Cass nodded. With hesitancy, she propped herself up on the small empty space on Oracle’s desk that wasn’t taken up by technology. She was almost sure the action was forbidden, but she had seen Nightwing sit there once before (and he was still alive). It clearly caught the woman off-guard as she made a skeptical face.
“Is Nightwing here?” Cassandra asked. She wasn’t sure what emotion was trying to express to Oracle, which caused her to stare at Oracle blankly. She tried to ask the question as neutral as possible, but caught herself adding a slight giddiness. Must have been Spoiler's influence, she thought.
“No,” Barbara replied. “Why? Are you planning to be the one who annoys me tonight?”
“No,” Cassandra said, perhaps too defensively. “I want to...hangout. Watch something. Talk, maybe.”
Apparently, Barbara was not expecting her to say that.
“Really?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. “Like really, really?”
“Really,” Cass said to her with a nod to show her honesty. “Unless...you have to work.”
“I always have to work,” Oracle said, mostly to herself as her eyes scanned across her interfaces.
“You always say, ‘Batgirl, sleep. Batgirl, eat,’” Cass said, mimicking the demands of the woman in front of her. Cass rolled her eyes and moved her hands quickly as she spoke to demonstrate her tone.
“Sure, I suppose I do,” Oracle said without moving her eyes from the screens.
“Why?” Cassandra asked, though she knew the answer.
“Because I seem to be the only person concerned with your wellbeing!” Barbara replied. The statement came out almost as a shout. Cass could feel the genuine worry in her voice and could see the care in her eyes. “You push your body every night, you put yourself in situations I can hardly fathom, all the while he encourages nearly everything you do.”
Cass looked at the woman with what she hoped was a heartfelt expression.
“You should do those things too,” she said. Oracle let out a little laugh and folded her arms over her chest.
“And what ‘things’ are you referring to? Throwing myself into danger?”
Cass shook her head.
“Sleep. Eat. Not...work all the time,” Cassandra told her matter-of-factly.
Oracle displayed a face of shock and pride. It wasn’t often she was beaten at her own game. The two moved to the large couch in the living room and Cass watched as Barbara put some movie on. It was romance for sure, though Cass found herself nodding off before she could figure out the plot. The smiling face of the pretty lead actress was the last thing she saw before finally letting her eyes close.
Cass hadn’t planned on seeing Stephanie the next night. But regular habits caught up to her, and she found herself once again sitting on the edge of a rooftop with Spoiler.
The two girls sat in silence. Batgirl was waiting for some information from Oracle and…well, Cass wasn’t completely sure where Spoiler had come from. But she was there now and everyone knew there was really no getting rid of her.
Cass remained still, waiting to hear Barbara’s voice in her ear. Stephanie had no plans for staying put and had leapt up from her seat and started fluttering across the edge of the roof.
“I haven’t seen you in a minute!” Stephanie said between her little jumps. “Sorry about that thing with Robin. That must have been totally awkward.”
Cass held her position, thinking of the correct way for her to respond. “You were excited to see him,” she decided. “No problem.”
“You’re quiet tonight,” Stephanie said inquisitively. “Like, quieter than normal.”
“Thinking,” Cassandra replied. If she had Oracle as a person she could turn to, then surely she had Spoiler. Girls talked about all sorts of things together. So she took the risk.
“About what?” Stephanie asked her.
“How do you know if you… like someone?” Cass asked, her voice suddenly uncharacteristically meek.
Even behind the mask, Cass could tell the blonde girl’s eyes light up with excitement. She practically bounced with glee.
“Oh! A crush!” Stephanie exclaimed. She quickly fell back down to match Cass’s perch. The Batgirl was almost worried the other girl was going to tumble off the roof with the amount of energy she had. “Tell me about them– no! Let me guess! Is it Nightwing?”
Cass recoiled on instinct.
“No..I don’t think he’s my…type.”
That response seemed to bother the other girl.
“Oh, come on? Nightwing? He’s tall, dark and handsome. Funny. What’s not to like?”
“No, it would be weird,” Cassandra said definitively.
“Weird? Because he’s older?” Spoiler asked. Cassandra could tell Steph took crush talk very seriously.
“He’s like family. He’s my…” Cass let her words fade out with uncertainty. Her brother? Not her father for sure. But he was something. And Stephanie nodded as if she understood what Cass was trying to convey.
“Oh, sure. So, I guess Robin’s out of the question too then, huh?”
“He’s your boyfriend!” Cass exclaimed with mild alarm. “That would be wrong if I did!”
Stephanie laughed and scooted herself closer to Cassandra. The two had been in close proximity before, but Cass couldn’t deny she felt a different way about being so near her friend.
“Well, yeah he’s my boyfriend! But girls have crushes on their friends' boyfriends all the time. It's not, like, the most unheard of thing. And it's not like I'm going to share him!”
Cass decided not to respond to that comment. She tried to think of a way to end Steph’s little guessing game. She needed a way to change the subject. It was making Cass feel uneasy, nearly squeamish. She needed to hear Barbara’s call more than ever.
“But Robin’s probably not your type either,” Stephanie said almost slyly.
“No,” Cass replied.
There was a silence then, even in Stephanie’s body. Not even her legs swung off the edge anymore.
“I think we should go,” Cass said, rising from her seat. “Oracle hasn’t responded, we should go to the scene.” She looked at the vast city below her. She heard sirens in the distance.
“I think I know who your crush is,” Stephanie said playfully. She stayed sitting, looking up at Cass. “I’m guessing she’s probably really strong, very good at fighting bad guys and super pretty. Is any of that ringing a bell?”
Cass looked down at her. She felt a slight buzz in her body as she made what would have been eye contact with the girl, if the two hadn’t been wearing their ridiculous masks. Neither of them moved. Stephanie seemed to have a gasp almost trapped in her throat and Cass felt her heart skip a beat.
And suddenly, Cass swore she felt it. That wanting feeling. Stephanie was looking at her and only her. In a city of a million, it was as if Cass was the only one Stephanie could see.
And then the moment broke. The look was gone and it was back to bubbly, friendly Steph. The air shifted so quickly, Cass feared she might have selfishly made it all up.
“Is she blonde?” Spoiler asked with a giggle, smiling a nearly childish smile, like a kindergartner on the playground.
Cass thought about swinging off into the street out of embarrassment. Was she really though obvious? she thought to herself.
“Um,” the Batgirl said. She became even more shocked when Stephanie meet her and threw her arms around her in a hug.
“Canary is a great first crush! You have incredible taste,” Stephanie said with a tight squeeze. “God, I’d do anything to look like her.”
Right, Cassandra thought. Black Canary, of course. Who else could Stephanie have been talking about?
“I’m sure we can convince her to give you a kiss on the cheek the next time she’s around!”
“Tag!” Cass shouted quickly, breaking out of the grasp of the hug. If Oracle wasn’t going to save her from embarrassment, she needed to think of something. “Let’s play tag now.”