Archive of Our Own

His fist slams against the bulkhead door with a loud crash that echoes through the sudden, cruel silence of the room. The world seems to stop for just a bitter second, the sweltering heat from the engine around him suffocating any sound. Two gunshots and then nothing at all. No words, no screams, not even a gasp. Only deadly, horrible silence.

“Joker.”

“Joker, wait.”

His fist crashes against the metal door again, the sound of it cutting through the air like a third gunshot. His eyes start burning behind his mask. He clenches his teeth, tries to breath and swallow the tears down. But it’s getting harder with every agonizing second of nothingness around him.

“Please, Joker, there’s nothing you can do.”

“He’s gone, Joker.”

“It can’t be.”

“I’m sorry, man.”

He’s gone.

But that can’t be.

He didn’t see it happen. The sound of it isn’t enough. Where’s the blood? The cry of pain, for help; the last breath? No last words, no proof. Nothing. It can’t be.

Goro Akechi isn’t dead. Ren Amamiya simply refuses to believe it.

But they still move on. They have all the letters and the palace is secured. It’s done.

It’s done.

He’s –  

When he opens the door to Leblanc, the warmth and familiar smell of coffee beans is only a sliver of comfort for his heart. So heavy it makes it hard to move on, a sinking anchor in the ocean. It sinks and sinks and sinks and Ren is tired. He is so tired; his head is ready to burst. He just wants to crawl into bed and stay there for the rest of the month. He doesn’t feel like moving, or having dinner or anything, really.

Morgana is dead silent behind him. He doesn’t say a word, not even when Sojiro greets them softly, relief settling in on his kind face.

Ren lifts his head and locks eyes with his guardian. He watches the man hold his gaze and smile, a little bit of darkness fading from his expression. “I’m glad you’re back safe, kid.”

Ren wants to answer. He really does. He wants to say that all is well; he’s okay and Futaba did amazing today. But he can’t. His mouth opens and closes but nothing comes out and then he feels his throat closing shut and breathing gets a little harder. He looks at the empty chair at the counter, the one closest to the door and his shoulders start to tremble against his will. Sojiro stiffens up and Ren sees the world blur around him. It’s overwhelming. Sudden.

He doesn’t feel the tears rolling down his cheeks. There’s barely any comfort, as that feeling he cannot understand spills out of him right then and there. Merely a little bit of bitter relief as his sobs ring out, his throat opening around every hiccup. He doesn’t move, a numbness crawling up his spine as the warm light around him turns a little colder.

“Ren?”, Sojiro is at his side in a heartbeat, his tone so sick with concern it seems to make it all so much worse, “Ren, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Ren only squeezes his eyes shut and lifts his shaking hand. He tries to catch the tears but there’s so many now. Too many to count. All he wants is to swallow them down but there is nowhere to hide now. Sojiro takes off his fogged-up glasses and leaves his face bared for everyone to see. Ren’s weak sobs ring through the little café and it feels so foreign. So wrong. So many months of biting the bullet. Pushing through. But now, now there is the first case unsolved. The first face he is forced to remember. The first friend lost. The only one. The one he thought could maybe – maybe me more.

What could he have done? What would it have taken for them to stand side by side? Why didn’t he ever see past the barriers? What could he have done? What if he’d spoken up? Asked. He knew all this time and he never asked, damn it. What if he had done more? Just one push. What could he have done?

He failed.

He is a fool. Ren Amamiya is a fool and he should have known better.

“Kid?”, Sojiro lifts a hand and places it gently on the boy’s shoulder. It’s so warm. A force to keep him still, keep him grounded. “Hey, hey come here, it’s alright.”

Ren moves, legs too tired to stand on his own. His tears stain his guardian’s apron, but Sojiro just holds him close, rubs his back every time the raven sobs into his shoulder; feeble sounds in the tiny café they call home. “Hey, hey, kid. It’s okay, you’re okay.”

He’s not okay. He really isn’t. He should be. Ren should be okay, but he’s trying and there is nothing to be okay about right now. He just cries into his guardian’s shoulder, curling a little into himself to hide what he can’t. And it hurts so fucking bad.

The hand on his back goes up and down in a soothing rhythm. It makes breathing easier. It makes the tears hurt a little less.

“You’ll be okay, kid. I promise.”, Ren’s entire body convulses in protest, but Sojiro holds him through every tremor, “I’m here. You’re okay.”

But he isn’t.

He walks up the stairs, body on autopilot. The world is blurry and his mind so tired it hurts. He feels his heartbeat in his ears, blood rushing through his head. The silence is so loud, it’s nearly deafening.

He has no time to slip out of his clothes and put on something more comfortable. He just throws his jacket into the corner of the room and falls into his bed. Then, Ren doesn’t move for a long time. He doesn’t see the snow falling outside his window, doesn’t hear Morgana come in and curl up next to him.

A lot of time passes until the boy turns his heavy head to the side, barely able to keep his eyes open. He stifles a yawn as his gaze falls onto the phone on his night table. It lies there, unmoving and dead. He hasn’t received a message since the group chat said their goodnights a couple hours ago. Now it’s 4 am and Ren reaches over and takes it into his hand, unlocks it, checks his notifications. Then he tosses it aside, only to pick it up ten seconds after. Still nothing.

He’s not sure what he’s waiting for. Something. A sign of life. A simple text with perfect spelling and punctuation. No emojis. No abbreviations. Nothing but perfect grammar. Pretty aggravating, to be honest. Something he’s always made fun of, an aspect to tease and laugh at, but at the same time, something he deeply adored. Not that he’d tell anyone.

Ren slaps his face softly; keeps his hand pressed to his cheek. He’s so damn tired. The fight has taken everything he has to give. Not just his powers, but so much more. The words spoken full of rage, the pain bared, too overwhelming to understand. He doesn’t grasp it.

Ren has seen pain. Has felt it. Has seen it grow in his friend’s eyes. He’s tried to soothe it for them, make their eyes sparkle until nothing but trust is written in the depths. Many times, he’s offered words of comfort, honest truths he hoped will make the others remember what they are fighting for. All of them. They saved each other, found their ways. From all the way back in April up until now.

So, where did he go wrong? Where did he fail Goro Akechi? Why couldn’t he save him, too? His rival. His friend. The boy who lied to him, played him, betrayed and killed him. The boy who reached into people’s minds, twisted and broke them and smiled on tv the next day. Just like that.

He should forget. But how could he even begin to try? He cannot let him go. He needs to keep the promise he gave.

Ren shakes his head. God, he’s so exhausted. He cannot think straight. Every memory of Akechi is starting to blur into red. Red and black and white and screams of rage and sickness.

He reaches for the glove. Takes it in his hand, feels the weight of the leather. Experimentally, he dips a finger inside, but pulls it out immediately after, hit by a wave of humbling confusion. He feels so sick, as he remembers Akechi’s gloved hand wrapping around his own. His grip was so firm back then, so unbefitting of that soft smile, the gentle blush on his cheeks. Make-up, obviously. Yet it looked so natural, framing his deep-red eyes perfectly.

His grip tightens, pictures resurfacing. Thousands of them, like a slide-show. Ren circles through them, too fast, lingering only for a heartbeat. Tv sets and billiards and aquariums. Then he stops and lets that one memory play out. The one that lights a fire in his belly. He lets is take over, numb everything else as he hides in the feeling of it.

There’s sweat on his forehead. His hair is a mess (even more so than usual), his heart is racing against his ribcage, chasing the adrenaline, as he looks down at his sworn rival half-kneeling on the floor in front of him. Ren can see his shoulders tremble, but Akechi is quick to compose himself and get back up. He brushes some dust off his pretty, white prince-suit and chuckles lightly. It’s not the tv-chuckle. Not the one Ren knows isn’t real. It’s a little darker, it vibrated through his spine and makes the walls of Mementos shudder around them.

“Well, this was not expected.”, Akechi corrects the blood-red mask on his nose as he looks up to meet his opponent’s gaze, “No wonder you’re the leader of the Phantom Thieves. You caught up to me on this front already too.”

Ren’s heart twists a little at the comment. Despite the fact that he knows. He knows everything, yet still, hearing Akechi give himself away in the heat of the moment still stings. He doesn’t know if it’s disappointment or betrayal. Something in between, maybe. Ren watches the other boy silently, sees the walls of that perfect illusion crumble slowly. And for a split second, he feels nothing but pride. For a moment he is just winning against the boy who challenges him like no other. In this moment, he is loving every laboured breath that Akechi is giving him; feels the thrill pumping through his body.

“Do you want to keep going?”, there’s a smirk on his lips. He wants to push further and he knows Akechi wants it too. He sees it in the way those unrelenting eyes light up like wildfire. They always betray that composed posture. His words only confirm it and Ren is drunk on the possibilities. He knows he shouldn’t be. He’s very much aware of the fact that the pretty detective tv-star in front of him is planning his murder as they speak. But well, Ren know how to play the game. He knows how to win it.

They leave Mementos and talk. Akechi breaks a little more, spills a little truth and throws him his glove right then and there, promising to defeat Ren one day. To keep this going on for as long as necessary to make it happen.

“Ah, look at the time.”, Akechi suddenly smiles like nothing happened, like they were just talking about the weather, “Let’s call it a day for now.”

Ren nods. “Let me walk you back to the station.”, it comes out naturally. Ren keeps his hands in his pockets, feels the additional weight of the glove in it and cocks his head just a little.

The other boy breathes out, it’s half laugh, half aggravated sigh. A lovely sound. “I can walk back on my own, thank you.” The smile is half-assed.

“Only if you promise to go to Jazz Jin tomorrow.”, Ren blinks and shrugs his heavy shoulders. They only have one and a half weeks left until the leader of the Phantom Thieves is supposed to die, so all he can do is make the most of it, right?

Akechi’s gaze is as intense as always, even when he chuckles, “You really are special, hm?”

“What can I say?”, Ren adjusts his glasses, “I’m full of surprises.”

“Indeed.”

When he turns around to leave, the raven looks over his shoulder again. The he smiles and gives his rival a little wink, “I’ll call you.”

The look on Akechi’s face is worth a fortune, his chest tightening at the sight. Ren takes a deep breath, but that tightness suddenly makes it hard to breathe. His hand shoots to his heart, it’s growing heavier and heavier with every breath, like a bolder crushing his ribs and lungs.

“Ren?”

He looks up, gasping for air, but Akechi just stands there, still. Looking at him, silently.

“Ren, hey wake up!”

Finally, Ren casts his eyes open and sucks in a deep breath. The weight on his chest is significantly lighter, but still very present. When his hand shoots up to his chest, he’s met with soft fur and a surprised thrill. “Ey, that tickles!”

Ren looks down and feels the tension leave his sore muscles at the sight of Morgana curled up right above his thumping heart. The feline cocks his head at him, his eyes glistening with something close to concern. Ren buries his fingers in his best friend’s black coat and holds on. “Sorry, Mona.”

“No biggie.”, the cat purrs and flicks his tail, “Sorry I woke you up, but you were mumbling in your sleep. I just – I guess I just wanted to try and calm you down a little.”

Ren offers the cat a tired smile, gently scratching the back of his ear, “I appreciate it.”

Morgana flicks his tail with a little more force and Ren doesn’t miss the way his whiskers twitch as he sits up. “How are you feeling?”, the cat asks carefully, grimacing a little.

 “Tired.”, Ren says truthfully, rubbing his eyes to prove his point, “Yesterday was a lot.”

“No kidding.”, Morgana is trying his best to avoid eye contact. Ren can sense the weight of the unspoken words between them, knows his friend is burning to discuss recent matters.

Ren sits up straight on his bed and fumbles for his phone, checking the time. But before he so much as glances at the numbers, his attention is diverted to the four unopened notifications greeting him upon unlocking. Something utterly stupid and desperate inside of him almost chokes him back to unconsciousness at the sight and his fingers start shaking as he taps on his message app.

[Phantom Pains] 25+ new messages

[Lil Sis ٩(`^´)۶] but I can tell him later if u feel like…

[Ann] Hey Ren, just checking on you after…

[Ryuji] I know it’s early but about the calling…

Ren bites his lip, his shoulders slumping as the adrenaline leaves his body in one rush. Stupid. He isn’t sure what exactly it is that’s running through his system right now, but he tries his best to swallow it down as he types a few quick answers and tosses the phone away.

Morgana jumps down and stretches his back with a loud and dragging meow and looks up at his partner expectedly. The raven nods and slowly peels the covers away from his body. When he gets up, Ren’s vision blurs for a second, as he realizes that he’s still grasping the leather glove in his other hand. His breath hitches at the sight. He must have fallen asleep holding onto it last night (morning, whatever). His teeth pierce the tender flesh of his bottom lip so hard they draw blood, as he gently lays the glove down on the window pane next to his milkcrate-bed.

“Come on, I’m starving.” Morgana whines and leads the way down into the café. Ren follows slowly, doing his very best to prevent himself from tumbling down the stairs. Good thing he’s currently supposed to be very dead and therefore has an excuse to skip school and sleep in. Well, mostly good. He does miss his friend’s banter in between classes and Ann’s helpless little hiccup whenever she’s called out to answer a question and has to rely on Ren to whisper her the answer. Maybe, being dead is getting old.

Ren and Morgana greet Sojiro good morning, who is currently reading the daily newspaper, sitting at the bar with a scowl on his face. “I left you a plate of curry.” He mumbles behind the folded-out paper and gestures over to the kitchen counter.

Ren mutters a sleepy, but very heartfelt thank you and enjoys his rather mild breakfast-curry lost in thought. It’s quiet in Leblanc, except for the steady ticking of the clock and the occasional rustle of Sojiro’s newspaper. It’s soothing. Ren for once does not feel ready to talk about anything at the moment (shocking, he knows). He’d much rather forget just for now. Just for a minute. Even though his own brain won’t even let that happen.

The images just keep returning back to the front of his mind, clouding the world around him until he sees nothing else. Black and white stripes and hooves and bloodshot read eyes. The hysterical screams and laughs, the desperate cries and the heat like fever. His body still trembles at the thought.

Morgana’s voice cutting through the pictures in his head is a welcoming sound. “Ren, what do you think?”

“Mhm?”, the raven blinks, the spoon in his hand unmoving in the air half-way to his mouth.

Morgana averts his eyes for a split second before he continues, “About Shido. When do you want to send the calling card? We need to change his heart and fast.” The cat looks down at his paws, pondering over his next words. Ren can tell he’s unsure. “We need to make him pay.”

Ren stops short at the mere thought.

Of course, he wants nothing more than to finally destroy that despicable fortress of pride they conquered yesterday. Shido needs to be stopped, no question. Ren has been looking forward to it. Yet still, the thought of facing Shido, the man who not only ruined his own life, but will continue to ruin so many more, the man who collects puppets just to cast them aside, the man who destroyed – no, killed Goro Akechi, it’s a lot. For the first time, Ren feels uneasy. Not unprepared. But simply afraid. Maybe even of that one thought in his mind. That one little voice that tells him to end it. End him. Throw caution over board and simply snuff this man out forever. It’s wrong and he knows it. But – but he would be ready for it. Like he was before. With Kamoshida. Madarame. Kaneshiro. Okumura. All of them. He wouldn’t have needed a lot of convincing.

The thought, it scares him. He’s not sure when exactly he’s started to think like that.

“I know.”, he breathes, shaking his thoughts off. He runs a hand through the mess of curls on his head and it twinges as he gets caught in the knots. Somehow, the pain is grounding. “But I just – I need a little time, okay?”

Morgana nods immediately, a shadow of understanding darting over his expression, “Of course.”

“Thanks.”

“We can go to Mementos to train before the fight.”, the cat suggests and jumps onto the table, earning a sharp eye from Sojiro, who stays quiet throughout the conversation, “You know, if you feel like it. We have some requests, I asked Mishima to look into it.”

“Yeah.”, Ren absentmindedly stirs through the remnants of curry on his half-empty plate. Then he looks up at his friend and smiles weakly, “Thanks, Mona, really. I’ll let you know when I want to train a little.”

“Don’t overwork yourself, you hear?”, Sojiro peeks over the rim of his newspaper, judging the scene in front of him carefully, “Take some time to rest up and get back at that scumbag with full force. We’ll be here if you need it.” The raven nods quietly, before lifting his spoon to his mouth to finish his meal.

Once his plate is clean, Ren gets up to do the dishes, before picking up his phone. There’s a message from Ann, asking if he’s up for a bite after school.

I’d love to

You have a place in mind?

Crêpes, Crêpes, Crêpes ( ✿◠‿◠ )

:)

Ren is more than thankful for the distraction and of course, witnessing Ann happily stuff her face with cream and strawberries promises to be the highlight of his day. She never fails to magic a smile onto his face somehow. The young woman’s bright optimism remains unmatched.

After taking care of today’s chores and making sure he leaves the place spotless and clean, Ren grabs his bag, hides his face with a hood (super, hardcore inconspicuous, might he add) and leaves Leblanc on a chilly winter afternoon, wondering how long the snowfall might last.

Ren likes the snow. He loves the way it dances in the breeze, drowning the world in that soft, quiet atmosphere. Something about it leaves him weirdly calm; relieved. The little flakes, all with their own individual pattern so still and unmoving mid-air, yet bound to always fall down at some point. It’s almost like watching time slow down for a second, a reassuring force that takes the frantic rush of life away for just a moment. Back in his hometown, maybe he would have never even thought about something like this. But now, here in Tokyo, living in the big city and witnessing life move so quickly, change so quickly, end so quickly. Ren feels like he finally understands. Just a little better.  

He walks through the little bit of snow, taking in every feeling of it, committing it to memory.

Ann is waiting at the subway station, puffy, pink earmuffs sitting in her blond hair to keep her warm. She waves softly to him as she spots her friend in the crowd, trying her best not to draw too much attention. She greets him with a warm hug, her perfume strong but pleasant and familiar in Ren’s nose.

“Man, it’s getting chilly.”, she shivers a little and hops from one foot to the other, “Let’s get going before I freeze my butt off.”

Ren nods and follows his trusted teammate into a little café located in the Underground Mall that her model friends recommended to them last time Ren visited a shoot with her. They order their food and drinks (a strawberry, peanut butter and cream crepe and a hot cocoa for Ann and a somewhat plainer cinnamon and vanilla crepe and black coffee for Ren) and sit down in a comfortable little private nook at the back of the room. The interior is small but not too cramped. There’re plants hanging from the ceiling and paintings of neatly arranged fruit and cakes covering every single inch of the flowery wallpaper. Yusuke would probably appreciate the design, Ren ponders to himself, or maybe he’d hate it. Nothing in between, that’s for certain.

“So, how are you feeling?”, Ann askes in between bites, wiping some cream off her nose, “Did you get some sleep?”

Ren nods and takes a somewhat more careful bite of his cinnamon crepe (pretty damn good, he decides). Ann cocks her head, immediately raising her eyebrows as if she can smell something is off. How is beyond him, really.

“Are you sure?”, she washes the bite down with her hot cocoa. Despite her enthusiasm for the crepe in her hand, the young woman looks serious as she leans forward a little, “I know yesterday was – a lot. For all of us but, well, for you especially.”

Ren doesn’t say anything to that, but takes a silent sip of his coffee (not as good as Sojiro’s but surprisingly satisfying).

“I’m sorry.” Ann places her crepe back on her plate and sighs, reaching out a little to place her hand on Ren’s arm. “Maybe this isn’t a good time to bring this up actually, I invited you to get your mind off things after all. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“I appreciate that, Ann, really.”, Ren says truthfully, to hell he’s so glad his best friend decided to take him out today, “I am really happy that you’re here, trust me, I just – “

No. This is not the place and time. It’s not his place to talk about all of that right now. Not when Ann is enjoying herself. She deserves to just spend a nice afternoon with her best friend and to not worry about any of his problems. Especially when it comes to, well – him. Ren knows that his friends probably do not feel the same way about all this. And god, they don’t have to at all. That’s fine; that’s okay. It’s right. But it doesn’t ease the sting and burn of the situation.

Ren feels weirdly – alone in this. He’s never felt quite like this ever since he met Ryuji all those months ago. But it’s not something he could ever blame his friends for. Ever.

If anything, he should praise Ann a little for her perseverance and skill yesterday. The way she mowed down the shadows in their way was more than impressive. Her magic skills have reached master class and Ren feels his chest swell with pride at the memory. He really does have the best team he could ever wish for.

“You did a great job yesterday by the way.” He smiles up at her from behind his glasses, blinking at her surprised face.

“Oh.”, her cheeks flush pink at the compliment and she grins awkwardly, rubbing her leg at his words of affirmation, “Thanks, but it was nothing special. Everyone else did great, too.”

“Of course, but –“, Ren takes another sip, “- I noticed how much you’ve grown. It’s impressive and, well – I know I can count on you.”

Ann’s grin widens and her round cheeks flush an even darker pink, “Thanks! I’m so glad to hear that! You can always rely on me.” As she says it, her grin fades just a little, her eyes narrow as her gaze softens. There’s a little fog swirling behind the bright sky-blue now, as he gives him a long, profound look. Ren adjusts his glasses, hoping she leaves it at that. He hopes the soft lines of concern on her bright face is all there is to is. But of course, he knows Ann and he doesn’t expect her to let him off to hook.

“I mean that, Ren.”, she says, her voice deeper now. Stern and unmistakably wistful. “You can always come to me and talk. About anything.” Her supportive grip on his arm tightens and she nods at him. Almost as if to say it’s okay.

But is it, really? Ren is not so sure about that. Something inside of him hisses words of betrayal.

“I know this is different for you, Ren.” Ann’s voice is lowered, her head closer to his as she speaks and blocks the world around them out. “I know you spent a lot of time together and honestly, I understand. You don’t have to be ashamed or anything like that.”

Well, they are doing it now. Damn it.

“It’s just – “, Ren watches the reflection of his own tired eyes in the black coffee as he lowers his head, “He hurt you, too. It’s not fair.”

Ann nods, “That’s true.”

Ren didn’t expect her to agree, despite the fact that he knows it’s true, but he feels lighter now that she said it. “I just wish I could have done more, Ann.” His voice is thicker now, and he swallows around the lump that starts forming in his throat.

“Yeah.”, she squeezes his arm, “Me too. He didn’t deserve any of that.”

Ren nods.

“And Ren – “, she leans closer and tries to catch his gaze, tilting her head to try and look him in the eyes, “- you know that grieving him isn’t selfish. No one will blame you for it. Hell, I’m sad about it too, and I think that’s natural. I think we all – well, I think we all understand that pain.”

He gulps hard, staring at the artistically arranged cinnamon on is plate.

“It’s okay.”

Even though her words are soothing and even though he needed to hear them, that conflict - that confusing burn inside of him - doesn’t subside. It stings like hot needles pricking deep into his skin. Ren won’t say he feels much better about any of it. He won’t leave it at that, of course he won’t. He wants more. Something more. He wants to return that glove and he wants to spend another selfish night with the enigma that was is Goro Akechi. He wants to solve it little by little, more than ever. Untangle what’s left.

That thought, it leaves him empty.

They talk for quite a while after that, enjoying their crepes and beverages to the fullest (Ren isn’t able to finish his sweet treat by the end of it, his belly stuffed so full it might just explode. Luckily, Ann is more than ready to clean his plate in record time, leaving cinnamon all over her pastel red sweater).

The two friends part at the Shibuya subway station just when the sun starts to set in the west, casting a faint glow onto the rooftops of the cityscape. It’s not yet six pm, but as everyone knows, winter loves it dark and cold.

“Are you not going home?”, there are faint wrinkles on Ann’s forehead as she watched her best friend turn away from the line that leads to Yongen.

Ren smiles thin-lipped and shoves his hands into his coat, back hunching a little, “No, I have somewhere to be.”

Knowing her best friend’s busy schedule and having seen his countless phone contacts, Ann doesn’t question that statement for a second. Instead she simply waves him goodbye with a giggle and leaves for her own train. Ren makes sure she gets on safely, before he rolls his neck and makes his way to Kichijoji.

He spends the 20-minute ride answering some texts.

From Futaba.

dude

i just had the best idea for the futaba canon Σd(˘ ‿ ˘ ๑ )

i am so ready >:3

looking forward to whatever that is

a little scared ngl ( ⚆ _ ⚆ )

From Ryuji.

Hey, wanna go sweat it out at protein lovers tomorrow after school?

I feel like you need it

yes, glad you asked

bring an extra towel or two I want to go long

And from Makoto.

I think I forgot my textbook at your place from the last time we studied together. Can I come pick it up tomorrow evening?

sure, you can come whenever

just go upstairs if I’m not there :)

When he hears the robotic lady announce his stop over the speakers, Ren gathers himself and immediately heads toward Jazz Jin, hoping the singer is there to greet him tonight.

He’s hit by a wave of warmth as he enters the little club, hidden away like a treasure for him to find (him and only him, his tired mind thinks for a bizarre second, he needs to sleep more). Muhen greets him at the entrance like always, accepting his payment with a thanks, kid and nodding his head toward his usual spot for two. Ren orders a colourful drink that doesn’t go with his current mood at all but may lift it by the end of the night (even though there is literally no alcohol in there but whatever, the sugar might do a similar job).

When the drink arrives, Ren recognizes it immediately. It’s the same. The same as that one time -

“I wonder if you even want to win against me, Amamiya.”, there’s a bounce to Akechi’s steps as they walk down the stairs to leave Penguin Sniper on a late summer evening. The brunet has a satisfied smile on his lips as he bathes in his third victory of the night. Even though Ren is getting much better at Billiards, he still lacks the certain something to actually beat his senior fair and square (well, fair and handicapped, but whatever).

Ren shakes his head at his rival and huffs, “You will eat these words someday, detective.”

The chuckle that leaves Akechi is light but bold, a hidden threat in the depth, “I’d love to see it happen, but - “, he twirls a strand of honey-brown hair around his finger, putting on an innocent expression, “- well…”

He leaves the rest of the sentence hanging in the warm air between them as they come to a halt in front of the game bar, enjoying the mild breeze. It’s not enough to cool them off at all, but better than the somewhat heated atmosphere inside.

“What will you give me if I do win?”, Ren askes and gives his opponent a quick wink (very daring, but whatever. Let him have a little taste of his own medicine).

Akechi places his hand on his hip, raising his eyebrow with an intrigued glimmer in his eyes. “I told you already, I will face you with everything I have.” He raises his left hand, still safely hidden away in his leather glove. Ren wonders if this boy ever sweats. Even now his skin doesn’t shine and his hair is as fluffed up and neat as ever. Either he uses tons of make-up and hair products, or he made a deal with an otherworld deity. Ren cannot decide just yet.

Akechi balls his hand into a fist and hums. “But right now, I think you owe me a drink.” He says it like it’s the most obvious consequence in the universe, smirking like some scheming little devil taught him to. That fiend.

“What a cruel punishment.”, Ren rolls his eyes overdramatically and leads the way over to Jazz Jin just around the corner. Akechi picks up his briefcase and follows suit.

Muhen nods them good evening and shows them to their seats, a private corner, hidden away and perfect for late-summer chats. The air is stale but cool and Ren feels the sweat on his back run a little cold. It’s weirdly refreshing after their competitive match of billiards. They may have overdone it this time, slowly becoming the stars of today’s busiest timeslot with their daring shots and snarky remarks. Akechi plays him a little to well sometimes. That last trick shot nearly cost Ren some broken ribs in the middle of the venue. Akechi’s shocked little expression was totally worth it though.

Their drinks arrive in record time and they settle with a light conversation about school that somehow takes a sharp turn halfway through.

“No, I’ve never.”, Akechi’s eyes go wide and Ren is pretty convinced that the blush on his cheeks is not just make-up this time, “That’s quite assumptious of you, Amamiya.”

“Well, sorry I asked.” He grins wide enough to indicate that he is in fact – not sorry about it at all.

Akechi takes a quick sip, holding the straw between his teeth for a second as he ponders over a new conversation topic to provide. Ren beats him to it.

“I saw that last interview that you gave on Tuesday.”

“Oh?”, Akechi cocks his head and his eyes flicker. Ren knows he is waiting to be pelted with some questions about his stance on the Phantom Thieves; maybe he is getting ready for a heated discussion about it. But, that is not what Ren feels like talking about.

He gives a cocky grin. “You like Featherman?”

Akechi’s face falls and Ren has to try so damn hard not to laugh at the utter annoyance written all over his perfectly put-together appearance. “Really? That’s what you want to discuss?”

“It is of the utmost importance, indeed.”, Ren takes a satisfied sip.

Akechi sighs but is quick to regain the pleasant smile he wears so expertly, “I do – well, did. As a child. I am probably able to recite at least half the episodes by heart.”

Ren bites back the that’s cute sitting on his treacherous tongue and decides to not embarrass his rival further, even though it’s a lot of fun, “One of my friends loves it, she has the soundtrack playing like all day, it’s almost a little annoying.”

“It’s a good soundtrack. She has impeccable taste.”, Akechi places his head on his hand, “What do you listen to?”

Ren pauses, his mouth halfway open with the straw gracing his teeth, “Huh, pretty much anything, I guess?”. He shrugs his shoulders. “You?”

“I give you exactly five seconds to figure it out.”, Akechi says calmly and leans back, his eyes darting over to the piano player on the stage.

“Yeah, fair enough.”, Ren chuckles, “I like it too, by the way, it’s – somehow calming.”

“But chaotic too.”, Akechi looks down at his half-emptied drink and smiles weakly, “I think that’s why I find it fascinating. There’s order in the chaos, if you listen closely. I love to just – figure it out, I assume.”

Ren has never heard something so nerdy but adorable at the same time. Oddly vulnerable in a way he hasn’t considered before. It’s hard to believe that the boy in odd sweater vests in front of him may just be the most dangerous threat he will be forced to deal with in the future. It’s something he really doesn’t want to believe, either. With a quick shiver, Ren dismisses the thought.

“I should take you to the second-hand shop in Yongen.”, Ren suggests, a genuine grin of excitement on his face, “They have all kinds of old records you would love.”

“Sadly, I don’t own a record player.”, Akechi sighs, before calling Muhen over to order new drinks with the brightest and sweetest tv smile he can muster. Ren watches him with a quirked brow and a lopsided grin on his lips, wondering just how easy it must be for the brunet to turn that façade on and off like a light switch (or hard, he can’t really tell yet).

“Then we just have to get one, too.”, Ren smiles as Akechi turns his head to face him again, “I bet it would go nice with your –“, Ren stops short and bites his tongue, “- apartment? You live in an apartment, right?”

“I do.”

Ren leans forward, “Sorry to ask out of the blue like that but where exactly do you live?”

Akechi chuckles and shakes his head at him, somewhat conflicted about whether he should give a real answer. “You said it yourself. Yes, I do live in an apartment in the city. It’s nothing special, though. It doesn’t really feel like – “, but Akechi bites his lip and doesn’t continue.

“I get it, I get it.”, Ren nods and pouts his lip playfully, “You don’t want to tell me because you’re scared I’ll leak it online, Mister celebrity.”

“Believe it or not, I have enough faith in you to believe that you wouldn’t do that, Amamiya.”

“Bold.”, Ren leans back a little.

Akechi sighs, just as Muhen brings them two new, fuzzy drinks of a very questionable green-ish colour. The brunet mumbles a polite thank you, before speaking up again, “I really don’t care much about decorating or anything. I’m afraid I’m boring in that sense.”

“Maybe it’s time someone helps you with that.”, Ren’s voice sounds a lot more honest than he intended. But somehow, that tone sounds right. Somehow, he really means it. “You know, so you can feel a little more at home.”

“Oh.”, Akechi wags his hand dismissively, as if to shoo away a pesky insect, “Who knows for how long I’ll live there.” He looks down for a second, before locking eyes with his rival. “Well, you know, maybe one day I’ll show you what it looks like.”

“I can’t wait.”

His glass is empty and Ren wonders just how cold the apartment is tonight, without a body to keep it warm.

When he returns to Leblanc late in the evening, Futaba is sitting at the counter, shoving curry into her mouth while frantically typing away at her laptop. She turns her head at the sound of the bells ringing at the door and smiles, holding the spoon between her teeth. “Welcome to home base!”

 “It’s late.”, he states matter-of-factly.

She simply dismisses that with a shrug of her shoulders.

“And you seem busy.”, Ren remarks as he tosses his bag away, “What are you working on?”

Futaba cackles behind her hand and turns the laptop away from him, as if to hide a special surprise. “You’ll see later. Just be ready, for it will dare I say – blow your mind.”

“Now I’m not concerned at all.”, Ren dead-pans and ruffles the younger girl’s hair with a brazen grin.

Futaba mumbles something into her hoodie and slaps his hand away. Then she presses her lips together and turns away from the screen (there’s so many lines of numbers and letters, Ren cannot even begin to understand what it all means).

“How are you, by the way?”, she asks, trying to sound casual. The flicker of uncertainty in her eyes doesn’t go unnoticed, though.

“Okay.”, he simply says and smiles for her, “Don’t worry.”

“If you say so.”, she adjust her glasses, “Well, just – you know, it was pretty messed up and all that and you said in your message that – urgh well – “, the girl was clearly struggling to find the right words, flapping her sleeves in an attempt to make him understand, “- well, I know you’re sad and yeah I hope you feel better soon and I think it was sad too and yeah – that’s that.”

“Thank you, Futaba.”

“Yeah.” Her eyes dart from Ren to her computer screen and back, “We’ll get him. We’ll make him pay.”

“Of course, we will.”

It takes so little effort it’s almost laughable. Futaba carries out her mission and makes the Phantom Thieves shine in the cold light of Shibuya square. They take the country by storm in the span of one night and when they enter the cruise ship of pride, the alarm is blaring and Joker feels more alive than ever before.

“Skull, Panther and Queen, I want you on the front lines.”, his voice booms across the ocean as the wind messes up his jet-black curls, “Fox, Noir and Mona, be ready to be swapped out at any time. Oracle, keep us updated at least every 1-2 minutes.”

“Roger that, Joker.” Futaba’s voice hovers above him, Necronomicon casting a shadow on the group of juvenile delinquents. 

“It’s showtime!”

So, they move like shadows, a unit like no other until they reach the treasure hall.

He is already waiting.

Joker swallows the bile that rises up at the site of the crooked man standing on a podium right there in front of them. Masayoshi Shido watches the thieves like a predator, ready to play his cruel games and enjoy every second before tearing them apart. Only, they won’t let that happen. Never again. It’s over.

“What did you do to Akechi?”, it is Fox’s rageful voice that echoes through the hall, “He – He was your own son!”

There’s a beat.

“The only one to blame is my father. The worthless degenerate excuse for a man who abandoned my mother.”

Joker shakes his head, glaring up at Shido who grins wide at the mention of that name. It makes the boy delirious with rage, but he keeps his face and posture composed; his mask intact. He cannot slip now.

“I had a feeling it was something like that.”, the man spits, still smirking like the devil himself, “He reminded me too much of that woman.”

That woman.

Joker blinks for a second.

“My mother worked at a nightclub, whenever she had to bring a man home, she would send me off to the local bathhouse.”

“You’ve been through a lot.”

“Oh, it’s in the past, I have no reason to blame her either.” Akechi’s shoulders start to tremble, causing ripples in the water around his svelte form.

He looks smaller then.

Fragile.

True.

“I wanted to force him to finally give her the apology he owes her, but that’s no longer possible.”

“He was sharp, but in the end, he was just a kid.”, the smile on Shido’s face grows sharper still, “I controlled him merely by offering praise.”

It’s not in Ren’s nature to let this anger fuel him, but he knows Joker won’t mind a little pain dealt – a little blood spilled in outrage if it’s the right one. Violent desires are what the Metaverse it all about, is it not?

Shido lets his eyes wander over the group, “Devote your power to my social reform. I will give you anything you want, be it wealth or status.”

Joker’s chest flares with disgust, his heart drumming against his chest, longing for a fight. “No way.”

For a second Joker wonders what that man promised to him. What words did he use to keep Akechi by his side? For how long has he known?

It doesn’t matter now. Nothing could ever change the hatred he feels, the call for justice that hums in the voice of Arsène at the front of his mind. He wants the thrill. He needs the fight. Joker can hear his call.

Chain him to hell itself.

The first blow is dealt by him. A surge of deep, dark crimson breaks free from deep down his skull, the curse spell splattering over the stage like blood. Shido groans on impact and something inside Joker sings and beams with satisfaction. There’s flashes of white and blue as Skull and Queen follow up, with Ann supporting them with a quick weakening spell.

The fight takes everything out of them. Skull gets knocked out cold by a precise wind spell and for a moment, Joker feels his heart stop, before he quickly regains his composure to cast a revive spell. He switches him out for Fox who turns the stage to glass with artistic observation. Mona steps to the front to release Queen, who has been so busy with healing that her stamina depleted in only a short amount of time. With Oracle’s support from above and a beautifully timed synchronised attack by Fox and Panther, it’s only Joker and Shido standing face to face in the end.

Joker won’t even let him get a chance to attack and the crooked politician is at his mercy, kneeling on the floor and wallowing in the gravity of his sins. And even though Shido speaks of regret and forgiveness, Joker cannot feel that usual sense of fulfilment. It all feels unfinished. The words so empty in his ears, meant for so many more who cannot hear. Justice has not won yet.

They run when Shido’s shadow collapses into nothingness in front of their eyes and the ship starts to crumble under their feet. There’s fire and smoke and heat until there is relief.

Then they are free and the world listens to Masayoshi Shido apologizing during a live broadcast, his change of heart not much more than a drop of water on hot coals. The world just lives on. People just keep walking. They keep talking and laughing and everything just seems so incomplete. So many months and yet – it seems like nothing has changed.

A couple nights after the change of heart, Ren goes out for a walk. Shibuya lies sleeping in the snow. Of course, the city never truly stops for a second, but Ren cannot help but think it’s lost its voice; bled out its colour. It’s empty now. And he is alone in a crowd of strangers talking about Christmas presents. Something so incredibly mundane to his ears, he doesn’t bother to listen.

Until –

“Yeah, I’ve seen the posters, don’t know about that guy, though.”

The sound of paper ripping in two.

“Is he famous or something?”

“It says he appeared on tv, never seen him before, though.”

“Whatever, let’s get dinner, I know a great place near the – “

The voices fade into the crowd, tangling with the rest of them until they are nothing more than static. Ren turns his head and spots the remnants of tape and paper hanging from a concrete wall to his left. As he watches the torn edge dance in the winter’s breeze, a strange feeling of foreboding starts creeping up his sore legs. He moves like someone’s pushing him forward and bends down to pick up the poster that’s been ripped off the wall, his heart pounding heavily against his chest. He can feel it in his whole body as he looks down at what is displayed on the sheet of paper.

It’s an advertisement for a tv program featuring several requested guest stars, two of which Ren has never heard of before and then – printed in red colour and surrounded by terribly positioned and incredibly tacky looking gold stars, the highlight of the show: Goro Akechi, the detective prince.

The show has long been aired and wrapped up, this particular section appears to be from the end of November and the posters have probably simply been forgotten about.

Forgotten.

Ren’s stomach suddenly twists into miserably tight knots. So much so that he feels nauseous as he stands there clutching the old and torn up poster in his hand. He stares at the pleasant smile of Goro Akechi and has the violent urge to burn it into the back of his skull, show it around, ask everyone who comes his way about the boy on the poster, hoping eyes would light up in recognition so he can sleep in fucking peace.

Ren feels so alone. Again. And it’s so wrong, but he needs someone to understand. He needs people to wake up.

He needs to move on, move on, move on but now it seems so impossible to even consider the possibility. Way back when Akechi and him would go out to meet up in cafés and have lunch, people of every age group would come and gather around the detective prince. Ask for autographs and pictures with blushed cheeks and excited little giggles. It was overwhelming just how many fans used to come up to them, sometimes even only to Ren, asking him about his relation to the young star. There was jealousy not so well hidden in the questions, young teens tripping over themselves, theorizing about the two of them. An inexplicable, longing part of himself loved the jumping to conclusions, the comment threads under pictures of the both of them on social media. The never-ending whispers, the tongues not kept under control.

But now there is nothing. People seem to have forgotten about the young boy whose pretty smile they used to lose their heads about. Now, Akechi is nothing more than a shadow, a phantom that occasionally smiles at you from abandoned posters or a rare picture on the internet.

Ren folds the poster carefully and stores it in the depth of his pocket. He just needs this feeling to pass but fuck - he is scared sick. He cannot forget, not him. When no one else recalls his smile and every truth that was there but hidden with so much finesse. They don’t know. No one in this world but Ren. He needs to keep him tucked away and safe where it hurts, so he remembers it always like a scar. Remember. He needs to remember. There’s so much left unfinished. This is not how it should be.

With a shaky sigh, Ren takes out his phone and leans against the wall, his breath coming out in visible puffs in front of his nose. He opens social media and finds Akechi’s account. Abandoned, of course. The last picture is one of the brunet smiling with perfect, white teeth in front of a greenroom mirror, the caption reads something about an important show he’s featured in.

Ren clicks on the comment threat underneath. There’s the usual praise and compliments, some nicer and tamer than others but then – then, there’s something else that makes Ren feel dizzy. The newest comments.

@bluepigeon: why does this guy keep appearing on my dash lol

@mika-chan: for real, I swear I never followed

@punpun lol same bye

He taps on other pictures, reads about people complaining and wondering, not even knowing why they followed in the first place. And it doesn’t make sense.

The world forgets and it doesn’t make sense and Ren feels the tears in his throat before they fall.

They put a bullet in Yaldabaoth’s head on Christmas and take back the world. Morgana disappears without a warning and Ren is so, so tired when Sae catches him alone, late in the evening. He’s so tired her words don’t even hurt him. He just accepts it. Accepts that they won and now there’s a price to pay. But then, in a heartbeat, Ren Amamiya wakes up. After days of uncertain hurt and frantic attempts at making sense of the world. After confusion and mistrust and shame. After all that.

“There’s no need for that.”

His head whips around so fast he feels his neck crack and fuck it hurts but that doesn’t matter. His eyes meet dark, intense red. A colour of blood and ashes and that is all that matters. Right now, it’s just Akechi standing there, the soft light of winter playing in his hair and gleaming in his eyes, framed by falling snow and cold. Eyes narrowed slightly, burdened with exhaustion but bright. Bright and real and alive. He’s alive. And right there. Ren could touch him if he reached out now.

“You’re alive?”, he breathes with his eyes fixed on the way Akechi’s lips play around a smile.

“That appears to be the case.”, the brunet’s voice is the same. Just as stained in beautiful, honeyed cruelty. But Ren wants to hear nothing else right now. His heart beats faster, races away without a destination. And maybe – he thinks – maybe this isn’t even real. Maybe this is all still a game, a dream, the last remnants of the masses’ cognition or whatever twisted idea there could still be.

“You said there’s no need?”, Sae’s eyes are wide but she keeps herself well composed as always. It’s something Ren admires about the young woman.

“If they get their hands on the perpetrator, there will be no need for him to turn himself in, no?”, Akechi looks at Ren and now he really is smiling. It’s a little wicked, but warm too. This cannot be real.

Ren gulps at the way his rivals voice drops lower at the end of his words. “What are you scheming?”

“You’re overthinking this.” Akechi says it so lightly, like they are talking about the fucking weather. “If I had to explain myself, I’d say it’s simply personal principle that I repay my debts.”

Ren blinks at his rival, suddenly more than convinced that this is a dream. But Akechi leaves him there, goes to jail. The woman gives a testimony. Sae says things are looking up and the world keeps spinning.

Goro Akechi lives. The Phantom Thieves won. Shido will be punished. This is the world like it should be.

Yes, the world of his dreams.

Some days into the new year, when Ren is surrounded by people who should either be dead or cats and feels so lost it makes his head spin, Akechi shows up in Leblanc like a fucking salvation. That familiar face, that immediate scowl of suspicion. It shouldn’t feel this good.

He knows, too. Of course, he does. In this world that is so oddly perfect in every way, of course it would be Goro Akechi and Ren Amamiya who can sense that something is not as it should be. Only the two Wildcards themselves.  

On their way to meet up with Kasumi in Odaiba, they walk side by side in silence for a long time, before Ren finally finds the right words in his scattered brain to start a somewhat meaningful conversation with this very new version of the former detective prince.

“How did you know I was still normal?”, Ren crosses his arms in front of his chest as they walk, “You sounded pretty convinces back then.”

Akechi gives him a frustrated look and grimaces, “I didn’t, but you were my best bet.”

“I’m flattered.”, Ren looks ahead as he says it and strategically avoids looking at the other boy next to him. He can still hear an obvious eye roll.

“It wasn’t a compliment.”, his voice drops lower again. Like it did before when they talked for the first time.

It’s not the only thing that has changed. There is something else there that Ren can see more clearly now. He cannot pin it down just yet, but Akechi looks thinner. Not physically but – almost like some light that’s lost its luster. A candle flame burning weaker, letting a little more darkness seep into its core. He’s not holding himself as upright, his eyes aren’t lit up in perfectly studied innocence. The façade he’s held up so expertly all this time; gone.

Ren cannot help but admire it a little bit. There is something in him that is excited; a part that is Joker breaking the barriers between this world and the Metaverse.

And then. Well, then there’s the Black Mask.

It’s their second day in Maruki’s palace now and Ren cannot help but confess to himself that seeing Akechi waiting with his stupid briefcase in front of the palace they are about to invade alone has him more excited that he’s dared to be in a long while.

“Are you ready to go in?”, Akechi growls, staring holes into Ren’s forehead, “I don’t need you fighting half-assed and unprepared.”

“I defeated a god.”, Ren can’t help but bring it up, it’s his demon-given right after all, “Don’t worry about me.”

“I wasn’t worried.”, Akechi clarifies as he taps his Metanav and sends them into the palace without hesitation. The world shifts and changes around them and they appear in Takuto Maruki’s palace all geared up, loaded with medicine and weapons. “I am trying to get this over with as quickly as possible.”

“Well then, keep up.”, Ren shrugs and presses the elevator button.

Crow huffs, “That’s my line.”

“Then you know what to do.”

Joker earns an agitated hum and it leaves him weirdly satisfied as they make their way into the entrance hall.

It doesn’t take too long until they are confronted with shadows again and frustratingly, two people are not as vigilant as eight. The creature chases them up the stairs before knocking Joker and Crow straight off their feet and onto their asses.

 “We’ve been ambushed!”, Crow spits next to him, his teeth bared behind his helmet like he’s some kind of beast of pray, “Shit, by strong ones too!”

Having Crow as a navigator is different to put it lightly. His commands are precise, sharp and vaguely concerning but Joker would be lying if he said it wasn’t fun. If anything, they get him jumping to his feet a lot quicker than usual, readying his knife in record time.

“Hit him with a physical attack!” Joker nudges his rival – with whom he’s standing back to back surrounded by a mob of shadows – in the arm and points at the creature to his right.

Crow doesn’t hesitate before he’s chasing the shadow down like an animal, sinking the teeth of his sword into its body and cutting it down in record time. Joker doesn’t have a lot of time to watch though, as the shadow in front of him launches a bless attack he is barely able to dodge. He answers with a heavy curse and gun combo that hits a weakness and the shadow melts away under Arsène’s assault. He immediately repeats the action with the next shadow until the danger has passed.

“Damn, Joker. “, Crow is panting next to him, grinning wolfishly from ear to ear, “You wiped them out.”

Oh, this is going to be fun, Joker thinks and chuckles darkly under his breath at the somewhat uncharacteristic praise, the adrenaline rushing to his head and clouding his rational thoughts for a while.

“Keep your eyes open.”, Crow barks as Joker straightens his coat a little, “They’ll be on high alert now.”

They fight a little more and Joker watches nearly mesmerized as Crow screams and cackles hysterically, calling to Loki in a rush of bloodlust and madness. His sword – ragged and made for tearing rather than slicing – barely misses its mark and in the rare case that it does, Crow doesn’t hesitate and rips the shadows in two with his bare claws like it’s nothing to him. Like this is totally normal.

Well, it is now. Joker sees no issue in the way his rival fights. In all honesty, he’s more than thrilled to see Crow finally let loose like this. The prince charade melts away and Crow spills his true colour out right then and there, not giving a single shit about anything anymore. It’s weirdly refreshing. Especially when Joker feels the world shift and burn away to let the two of them synchronize into their deadly combination that works so well it should be forbidden.

They pause in a safe room and Joker tends to their injuries. Or at least tries, but Crow slaps his hand away with a threatening flicker in his eyes. “I’m fine, don’t waste your resources on me.”

Joker rolls his eyes, “Don’t give me the stubborn lone wolf routine, Crow.”

“I’m used to a lot worse.”, the brunet clicks his tongue, “And I’m not a fool. I will tell you whenever I need support, Joker, trust me.”

Joker pauses for a second, the bottle of medicine still in hand. Crow’s eyes are relentlessly honest as they bore into his own and he nods then, remembering – if somewhat against his will - that for the better or worse, Crow has a lot more metaverse experience than he does. 2 years’ worth more of it, to be precise.

So, they move on.

The third semester begins and things go – back to normal. The Phantom Thieves reunite with two new members (one more welcomed than the other, which Ren remembers is more than justified, even if Akechi’s cries in battle keep him grounded), school starts and they have a palace to infiltrate. Moral conflict aside, it’s just like the good old days.

Except Goro Akechi is not. Neither good nor normal.

He keeps his distance, sits on his own, only truly comes alive in the heat of battle. And that something Ren tries to figure out follows them both like a shadow. The raven keeps spotting it in Akechi’s gaze and body language, so unlike the doll-like idealized routine he used to uphold, of course but also so much more. That exhausted rebellion, fogged in what Ren can only interpret as pain that consumes his rival every waking moment. Like he’s not sleeping or keeps sleeping even through waking moments.

When Ren goes against rational thoughts and invites him out to dinner, Akechi refuses, calls it brainless sentimentally and insists on spending the evening alone. It’s aggravating. So, Ren tries the next best thing the night after and suggests billiards. And to his utter surprise he receives a pretty quick answer.

Be there at 7 pm, you have a promise to uphold after all.

Don’t be late.

See you there :)

Okay so maybe the smiley is a bit much, but who is he to give a shit at this point.

Akechi’s coat matches his own.

Ren doesn’t (want to) understand why he notices this now, when Akechi is taking it off in the heat of their match at Penguin Sniper. The brunet folds the beige coat neatly only to then toss it to the side carelessly, followed by his scarf.

“You got better.”, he remarks and brings his gloved hand to his chin, “I will give you that.”

“I’m just glad you really did decide to face me in pool today and not – “, Ren gestures with his hand and forms his lips around a silent Mementos, hoping his rival takes the not so subtle hint.

Akechi pinches the bridge of his nose, “I still plan on giving it everything I have, don’t take this lightly, Amamiya.”

That makes Ren laugh with full force, “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“Just try to keep up, Joker.” Akechi hisses the word with such a condescending sweetness in his tone, it ignites that competitive flame in Ren’s belly. He watches carefully as Akechi circles the table, pondering over his next move.

“You cannot possibly have more tricks up your sleeves.”, Ren leans forward a little, cutting off his opponents’ way and earning a death glare. 

“Do try me and see where it goes.” Akechi strikes with the same deadly precision he uses in battle (minus the uncontrollable violence, one might add) and pockets two balls at once.

Why is it so easy with him here? Ren wonders as he leans forward to align his own shot. Why does every word come so naturally? Even now. Akechi has lied to him for most of the time he’s known him. Arguably, Ren doesn’t know the boy in front of him at all; has only really met him maybe two weeks ago. And yet, yet they work. Synchronise and understand in the most bizarre nature.

Spending time with Akechi should not be this fulfilling to him. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.

Ren strikes the poor ball so hard it bounces off the table on the other site. Akechi – of all thing – laughs at that. It’s a sharp and dangerous sound but the second it subsides Ren needs to hear it again.

“You disappoint me.” Akechi hums, not a hint of disappointment in his voice. “Looks like you’re no match for the real deal.”

Ren isn’t sure if Akechi is referring to using his dominant hand or well – everything else. It’s confusing, like pretty much everything about his rival, but he doesn’t let that show. He only fixes his glassed and smiles calmly, accepting defeat.

“Let me remind you of the fact that I totally kicked your ass in Mementos back then.” Ren crosses his arms somewhat playfully.

Akechi looks so utterly offended by that comment, it’s hilarious. “You do remember that I hid my true powers from you at the time? I would have had you begging on your knees, had I used all of my strength.”

Akechi’s words travel down his spine like an electric shock and he steps a little closer, like he’s compelled by some magnetic field. “You talk too big.”

There’s a beat of silence and Akechi breathes out through his nose, face so close to Ren’s he feels it on his own skin.

“Shut up and play another round.”

He does and loses again (by a hairsbreadth) but who even cares when it feels like this.

They finally secure their route the next day and Ren has all the time in the world to spend with his friends. He goes manga shopping with Futaba, Sumire and Morgana, eats his way through the menu of Ryuji’s favourite ramen shop, makes sure to invite Ann and Yusuke too (who he’s not sure even owns a single yen at this point) and helps with tending to Haru’s massive collection of plants. Sometimes Makoto joins them too. One day, Haru asks him for help with isolating the greenhouse properly for the rest of winter and of course Ren is over at her place in record time with Morgana safely stored in his bag.

And many nights he spends alone with his fated rival in the safety and familiarity of the Jazz Club in Kichijoji. Something that has not changed despite everything.

So it goes until February comes. It’s the first of the month and he has to work a shift at Crossroads. He’s promised to meet Akechi after, so he makes sure to get most costumers as happy and the place as clean as possible.

“My, my Ren why the rush?”, Lala comments, after the raven almost knocks over several glass bottles in an attempt to wipe the counter clean quickly.

Ren catches the bottle with the very expensive liquor in it just at the last second and feels the blood rush to his cheeks as he gives his boss a flustered smile, “Sorry Lala, it’s just – well, I promised to be somewhere.”

Lala quirks her eyebrows at him, a telling smile on her red lips, “Oh honey, you have a date? Why didn’t you say so sooner?”

Ren shakes his head a little too forcefully, “Oh no no, it’s not a date – it’s just a – “, he rubs his head, “I’m seeing a friend – well, more like an acquaintance, or actually – I don’t know what we are.”

The smile does not leave Lala’s face, if anything it grows wider. Ren feels himself caught like a dear in headlights. “May I just ask, who is the lucky someone?”

“He’s not lucky. I’m not – we’re not.”, the raven gestures wildly with his arms, the cloth in his hands spraying water onto the floor.

“Relax, honey –“, Lala snickers, “I’m just teasing. You go get your butt moving.”

Ren exhales and tosses the cloth into the sink with a thankful smile. “You’re the best.”

Then he’s out the door like a storm and his boss watches him, shaking her head. He jumps through the subway gate and onto the train as gracefully as he can muster and he’s in Kichijoji before he can blink. He calls Akechi and his rival appears not much later.

They find their usual spot and order their usual drinks and it’s just the usual night. Just like always.

“Hey, so – “, Ren chews on his straw, watching Akechi’s shoulders relax and untense at the sound of the music. It’s just a small thing but nonetheless, something warm spreads deep within the raven’s chest at the sight. Some things may have stayed the same after all. “- was all the stuff that you told me during summer true?”

“What?” Akechi looks a little unimpressed. “You asked a lot and I told you a lot.”

“Fair point.” Ren chuckles, feeling weirdly – safe tonight. Ironic, considering tomorrow is probably one of the most important days of their entire Phantom Thief career. “I meant about the favourite music thing and all that. Your apartment, your family.” He adds the last point carefully, looking for some sort of discomfort in Akechi’s face, but it simply stays neutral. He knows how to do that, after all. 

“Yeah.” Akechi says after a while. “I had no reason to lie about that. And it worked well on you, after all.” Ren expected his rival to say something like this. Akechi’s goal back then was to butter him up well, of course. But, despite all that, Ren can still see more. He can still sense the shame in Akechi’s truth. He’s still hiding.

“Shido….”, Akechi bites his lip when he says the name, like it burned his tongue, “Like pretty much everything else, he financed it. My apartment, I mean. He decided everything. Location, furniture, you name it. I don’t even want to know how many bugs he had planted there.”

“Shit.” Ren can’t really think of a better response.

Akechi shrugs his shoulders and takes a sip of his drink. He scrunches his nose a bit at the sour taste and it makes him look just like a normal teenage boy for a second. “Well, I was stupid enough to approach him and accept it all without thinking twice.”

Ren can’t find an answer that he wants to voice, so he stays quiet and mirrors Akechi, taking a sip of the lemon-flavoured beverage.  He waits for a beat, then grins “What about Featherman?”

Akechi looks like he’s just about ready to whip out his gun in the middle of the Jazz Club and shoot him point blank in the face. Again. But to Ren’s surprise he gets an answer that is just as sour as the drink in his hand.  “Yes.” Akechi’s voice comes out strained, “Yes I was, happy now?

“I am so, so happy, thank you.”, Ren chuckles into his drink, “I bet you were the cutest little kid. The biggest nerd on the planet.”

“Shut up.”, Akechi shakes his head, “I bet you were a menace, the worst kid ever”

“Probably.” Ren vaguely recalls some stories his relatives would tell him during get-togethers; stories he never seems to be able to place. “I never asked.”

“Nothing’s changed then.”

“Now it’s starting to get hurtful.” Ren shoots his rival a scandalized look.

Akechi only leans forward, “You started it.”

Ren chuckles and – to his surprised, Akechi does too. And no, it isn’t the tv chuckle. It’s more than that this time. Just a little more.

They talk the night away and of course Akechi feels the sudden urge to indulge in a philosophical discussion at some point.

“Why do adults feel the urge to exert control?”, he growls, balling his hands to fists in his lap, “Is it so they can feel strong? Or to assert that they’re in the right?”

Ren takes in the shift in Akechi’s rigid spine, like a gun cocked into position. He bites his lip, takes a sip of his drink and exhales, before giving his answer. “I think it’s because they’re weak; selfish, even.”

Akechi huffs with a bitter smile on his lips. “We agree on that, then.” The brunet leans back, that bitter expression taking over his entire face like a shadow. “It’s interesting, isn’t it? Control. The idea of self.”

Ren cocks his head a little, silently prompting his rival to continue the thought.

“Well, philosophers have been trying to grasp the concept of self for a long time.” Akechi’s eyes glace over as he loses himself in thought. “It always amounts to whether the self is autonomous or depended; whether humans are autonomous in nature, capable of envisioning paths in life that transcend any potentially influential relationships.”

Ren averts his gaze, suddenly overcome with a wave of uncertainty. Maybe it’s the sugar rush, but he can feel his body tense and tremble just a little at the brunet’s words.

“Maybe our primary drive is merely self-interest.” Akechi continues, his eyes tearing through flesh and bones. “We all just want to fulfil our own desire. Maybe that’s it, mhm?”

Ren isn’t sure if he should answer or listen.

”Maybe it’s the world that shapes us. The people we surround ourselves with, our upbringing, our education.” Akechi’s voice drops lower, quieter. “Maybe we don’t have a single ounce of control. We just act according to those around us.”

“I don’t think that’s it.” Ren voices his thoughts carefully, holding that dark, tired gaze in front of him. Afraid to let it slip. “I think we all decide for ourselves, deep down, what we want our lives to be.”

Akechi’s shoulders tense. “Do you believe everyone can afford to think that way?” It’s a genuine question, not mockery, not a challenge. Just sharp honesty. A hot knife through flesh.

“Everyone has wishes and dreams, a path they want to follow.” Ren recalls the month he’s lives through. His friends. Their struggles and hardships. Their resolve and bravery in the face of pure desperation. “You always have yourself deep down, no one can take it away from you, I think.”

“Well, I didn’t expect anything else from the leader of the Phantom Thieves.” Akechi says and looks at him.

He just stares.

Ren stares back.

And maybe – maybe he knows. Maybe he should wake up here and now. But these eyes are too violent, their reach too deep, somewhere so deep inside of him it makes him burn from the inside out. He should sleep just for a while longer.

He just lets the danger melt away. Just for tonight.

Just for now.

Just for him.

February 2^nd is cold.

Winter finds its way into his bones and flesh, numbs his spine and mind. Controls the beat of his heart, the thoughts in his head. Even Leblanc loses its warmth tonight. Ren doesn’t even fight it now. Not when he finds so little reason within himself.

“Don’t tell me you think dangling my life before us is going to have any impact on our decision.” Goro Akechi stands there like always. His gaze unrelenting and sharp and drained. God, he looks so drained. Ren might go insane.

Maruki hangs his head, his expression so full of genuine hurt it breaks the barriers of this world clean in two.

Ren finally wakes up.

 “You knew?”

Of course. Of course, he fucking knew. At this point Ren is all but embarrassed – furious – at the fact that he couldn’t see it all this time. Didn’t want to. Everything Akechi said. Whenever they would meet up at the Jazz Club or confront Maruki. That time he approached him at the station, smiling that joyless smile and spewing all that nonsense about him not being obliged to tell his sworn rival where he’ll go after all of this is over. Because there is nowhere to fucking go. Of course not. His ice-cold refusal, that quiet resolve. All this time, it has been so painfully obvious. So certain.

Ren admits, he ignored all the signs. Blatantly. Shamelessly. When he told his friends to wake up, he kept on sleeping. Indulging in this selfish fantasy. This wish. Why should he desire anything else after all these sleepless nights and pathetic hours of waiting for a sign? All this time, he’s closed his eyes and wallowed in that beautiful feeling of blissful ignorance. All while Akechi was forced to deal with all that. Fuck it. Fuck that. That tired face and that anger and that rebellious outcry. Fucking hell, how could he have been so blind? 

“Well, I lacked conclusive evidence.” Akechi’s tone his light. Unbothered. Prepared. “But after I fought against you all, I had a gap in my memory that ended up with meeting up with him again.” His rival locks eyes with Ren. “There were also the cases of Wakaba Isshiki and president Okumura. Of course, I’d find all of that suspicious.”

Ren looks at the boy in front of him. Takes in the words and stares at the smallest movement. The way his chest moves with every breath; breaths that are warm and real. He watches Akechi blink, his lashes fluttering. Real and right there in front of him.

It must be a hoax. A trap. Another desperate attempt to convince them.

He can’t be gone.

He can’t be –

“Maybe I shouldn’t ask you for an answer on the spot like this – “

Ren tries to make sense of it all. Tries to find an explanation. A better explanation than this. He tries so hard to think of something more, but – but there’s nothing. It all comes down to this and Ren is forced to admit defeat. See it through.

He throws the Calling Card onto the table wordlessly. Hopes Maruki takes the hint and leaves.

He does.

Now, Ren and Akechi are alone and silent in café Leblanc on February 2^nd.

Before Ren can even think of a single word to say to the boy in front of him, Akechi speaks up, his voice is so painfully determined it makes Ren dizzy. “I will carve my own path for myself. I refuse to accept a reality concocted by someone else; stuck under their control for the rest of my days.”

Of course. Ren knew he would say that from the start. There is nothing to question, nothing to wonder about. Not anymore. But this isn’t right. It isn’t fair.

“But then you’ll – “

Vanish. Disappear. Whatever colourful euphemism you want to call it. Akechi will leave him again; will die alone again, will leave him breathless and regretting everything again. He will be torn away and leave this hole that Ren doesn’t know how to fill yet.

Will time reverse? Is he fated to feel the bite of that cursed bullet again just like the first time? Or will he just fall asleep and not feel anything but silence? Will the world shatter in two and he with it?

“So, what?” The words feel like a shot in the chest, a punch right where the bullet lies still fresh in the wound. “That’s the path I chose.”

Chose. Chose the bullet that was meant for Ren.

“All you have to do is stick to your guns and challenge Maruki.” Akechi stand so still Ren fears he might just be some cardboard puppet; a projection, reality is already reverted and the brunet in front of him isn’t even here. “Or are you really so spineless that you’d fold over some bullshit, trivial threat on my life?”

Ren waits for a second too long, recalling Ann’s words. He didn’t deserve any of that. Grieving him isn’t selfish.

“I always knew you had no fucking backbone, Joker.”

Something snaps and Ren can’t help himself. He rushes forward, his hand shooting toward Akechi’s collar. He clings to it with so much force it causes the both of them to trip and stumble backwards. He’s not even sure if he wants to hold on and draw the other boy in or if he just wants to push him away.

“This isn’t trivial.” He growls, face so close to Akechi’s he can count his lashes. Burning red eyes stare back at him like they are ready to attack and consume. “You don’t understand.”

Akechi tries to jerk away but Ren keeps him close, watches these wild, hysteric eyes blow wide, “No, you don’t understand!” His voice cracks a little. Then Akechi takes a breath, his body going a little more lax under Ren’s grip, as if he’s trying to compose himself. But he cannot hide now. Ren won’t let him. His grip tightens. “Do you think I’d be happy with this? Being shown mercy now of all times?” His chest heaves with untamed rage. “I don’t want to be pitied. This isn’t something I’m debating with you.”

Ren sinks his nails into Akechi’s stupid shirt. “This isn’t pity, Akechi. It never was.” Flashes of white and black and red flicker before his eyes and he tries so hard to swallow his fury but it unleashed like a tidal wave; Joker breaking out of him without a warning. “It wasn’t pity back in the engine room and it isn’t anything like that now!”

“Don’t you fucking lie to me just to please your own damn self!”, Akechi’s cold fingers wrap around his wrist and tear but Ren is quick to wrestle the hand off.

There’s hot, vicious tears pricking at the corners of Ren’s eyes now. “Don’t you see that it’s more than that? I’ve never simply pitied you! I just don’t -”

“It doesn’t matter, Ren.” Akechi spits, wielding his name like a fucking weapon like it changes anything. “We will not take this stupid deal and go back and you will forget about all of this shit in no time, trust me.”

Ren finally lets go of his rival with a provocative shove. It’s childish and stupid but he doesn’t care because maybe that’s just what he is right now. Akechi glares daggers at him from behind that exhausted restlessness.

“Don’t you get that I – “, Ren buries his hand in his hair and pulls and it hurts but god he needs that right now, “- I care about you! You’re my friend and I just want you to listen to me.”

Akechi’s eyes burn like hellfire and there’s a near deranged grimace taking over his delicate features. “I’m not your friend, I fucking killed you.”

“I’m here, you didn’t kill me.”

“I shot you in the face, you moron, don’t you care about that? Are you that sick?”

Maybe. Maybe so.

“What if I am, what will you say to that?” They are so fucking close. Breathing in the anger of the other, the sweat and tears and bare desperation.

Akechi shuts his eyes and his teeth glimmer like knives in the cold light above them as he growls, “Let go.”

Ren is not even holding him anymore. They aren’t touching; just radiating heat that flickers and burns on their skin.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Again, he doesn’t say. It’s that fucking easy.

Akechi – sinking his nails into the wood of the café counter – laughs. High and wrong. “Lose me?” He seethes, tongue dripping thick with venom, “God, Joker, don’t give me this drama. As if I am anyone’s to lose.”

No. No he isn’t. Ren knows that. But still, he wants it to be him so bad. In this moment, he’s never wished for anything more. He wants to mend broken pieces and heal something hopeless and unfixable. He just wants this.

“Akechi.”

“Please, shut up.” His rival’s voice wavers. Cracks a little like ice. Ren has never heard that word spoken in a tone like this. “Your indecisiveness on the matter is essentially a betrayal of my wishes.”

He knows. Ren knows that. And it’s not even about that. It’s not about taking the deal. No, Ren is well aware of what is right or wrong in this moment. But god, he just feels this burning urge to give in and drop everything right here and now. That intrusive desire. All this time, his determination has driven him forward. All his friends, too. And now, now there’s so much more on the line and even if he agrees to fight tomorrow, Ren can’t help but think he would support Akechi in his thoughts if he does. These thoughts of hatred and self-loathing that he doesn’t want anywhere near his rival’s mind. He just needs to erase them. Burn them away.

He has this selfish wish. This one, searing, painful, selfish wish that’s breathing and alive right there in front of him. With gentle features that mock everyone who falls for them. Eyes that may be rubies to some but spilled blood to him.  

If only they had a little more time. A day. Maybe an hour. A second. Just something more.

“I’m sorry.” He finds his voice again after a moment of silence. His shoulders untense as the heat of the moment seeps out of his bones, his arms dangling uselessly at his sides. “I won’t fold, Akechi. I should have maybe started with that.”

Akechi blinks at him, before releasing a shaky breath. “Good.”

“But – “, Ren closes his eyes, “ – this isn’t how things should be.”

“No.” Ren can only hear the rustle of Akechi’s clothes as he moves. “This is exactly how things should be, Ren. I will not let anyone control me like this ever again.”

Ren bites his lip. “I just wish – “

Akechi cuts him off before he can finish. “That’s the issue, you idiot.”

The raven – to his own surprise – huffs out a weak laugh at that. What a fucking joke. Akechi trapped in his personal nightmare just to make Ren’s most desperate dream come true. How befitting of their fate.

“Promise me.” Ren can feel his heart beating wildly in his throat, as Akechi takes the fabric of his jacket between his fingers, pulling him a little closer with a spark of inevitable doom in his eyes. “Say it.”

“We’re stopping Maruki.”

The breath of relief that Akechi releases is warm on his cheek. “Alright. I’m relieved to hear it.”

“It doesn’t mean I agree with anything you said.” Ren opens his eyes again, his heart pounding a little harder as he realizes just how close the brunet is.  “Your life is not trivial or bullshit and this isn’t simple at all.”

“Many other people would disagree.” Akechi crosses his arms and presses them closer to his chest, a bitter smile on his lips. “They’re not fools like you are.”

Ren doesn’t know exactly why he’s doing it, but he steps closer and places his hand on one of Akechi’s arms, keeping the pressure light. The brunet winces at the touch, but lets it happen. Ren searches for discomfort in the other’s face but his features are – free. If that makes sense at all. Something has passed. Some invisible ache has been cured and Akechi’s face is oddly soft now. At ease.

Ren smiles. “There’s no going back.”

“Yes.”

“Yeah.”

He dares. Just a little. Indulges in something more as he lets his hand fall from Akechi’s arm to his side. He watches carefully, but his rival just lets him do it. Doesn’t move but doesn’t run either. Ren pulls gently. Akechi move with him; lets Ren guide him for a second. Just for now.

Something warm and solid hits his chest and he hooks his chin over the other’s shoulder as he holds him there.

He can Akechi’s heartbeat, quick and nearly panicked like a rabbit on the run from a predator. Something he would have never guessed. He always believed Akechi had no fears at all. Or at least none he would ever be able to uncover. Now his racing heart betrays him, the tension in his shoulders unmasking what lies beneath.

Ren senses a soft huff of warm breath on the shell of his ear and something soft presses into the crook of his neck. It makes him feel a little smaller. His hand finds its way to the back of Akechi’s head and he buries his fingers into silky hair. There’s a shaky exhale and a shift in the other’s shoulders.

“I should have saved you, too.” Ren says then, his fingers rubbing gentle circles into Akechi’s scalp. The brunet brings his hands up to hold onto the other’s back, fingers desperate against the fabric of his jacket.

Ren feels Akechi’s lips moving against his skin as he breathes his answer. “Some people are not worth saving, Ren.”

He has no answers left, so Ren does the only thing he can think of. Something he has dreamed of for so long. And yes, it’s selfish, maybe. It’s wrong and not fair and goes against fate and reality itself but he doesn’t care anymore. Just for now. Just for tonight. Just before everything shatters and ends.

He pushes Akechi away just to look him in the eyes, hands ghosting over the boy’s sides. The brunet’s gaze flickers down to his lips for a split second and that’s really all he needs to bring his face closer until their breaths mingle. He tilts his head a little to the side; watches Akechi mirror him, eyes fogged over.

“This doesn’t change anything.” He can taste the other’s words on his lips and feels a beautiful delirium take over as they linger there.

“I know.” Their lips brush for a second and Ren thinks he might just lose his mind in that moment. “I told you I won’t fold.”

“You better.” Akechi’s words are barely audible through the rush of blood in Ren’s ears. He can only feel their warmth now.

Then Ren just takes the other’s face into his hand and finally pulls him in for a lingering kiss. His stomach flips and drops as their lips meet. Akechi’s are impossibly soft and for a split-second Ren feels insecure about his own. But his mind is wiped clean when the brunet makes a pleased little sound and invites him in further. Ren feels the other’s lashes fluttering on his cheek, a gentle tickle that goes against everything he’s ever learned from Akechi.

Hands are on his collar and then there’s a tug and he draws in a sharp, greedy breath through his nose as Akechi captures his bottom lip and doesn’t let go. Teeth sharp and a little more aggressive.

There’s the rival he knows.

It’s the first and last time, he’s aware. So, all he can do is hold on tighter, push closer, crush all the doubts between lips and teeth.

There’s a shock of warmth between them that causes their breaths to hitch. But they don’t let go, not even when Akechi’s heart bursts with something new. Something old. When gentle childhood dreams and that damned thirst for revenge mix and melt together between their desperate lips and teeth, now turning a little more bruising than before. When rebellion is born in the safety of Akechi’s home.

Maybe it’s always meant to be just like this.

Ren just hopes the morning never comes as he holds Akechi close. Just for tonight.

For one more second. He takes the other’s hand and then they just hold on until morning comes.

He’s surprised by how much easier breathing becomes with a head resting on his chest.

Ren desperately recalls that night again and again and again. When Tokyo turns smaller and smaller in the distance. When he leaves behind what made him into something greater.

He doesn’t want this to end. He doesn’t want to let go. Can still feel a tingle on his lips and a thrill deep in his bones. Can still feel the tender pressure of a body next to him. Back when they just lay in his bed, not even talking or moving. Just breathing. Until time ran out.

Now, Akechi is gone again.

And Ren knows that this is the last time he’s forced to learn how to let go.