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It’s close to noontime when Peter finds himself walking down a crowded, noisy street in Hell’s Kitchen with Matt and Foggy on their way to grab lunch, the two men laughing as they recall a time in college. Peter unfortunately misses what they’re talking about with how spacey he’s feeling today.
That’s probably due to all of the late night’s he’s been pulling lately, getting less than two hours of sleep here and there.
“But, seriously, Peter if you need a reference for college I’d be more than happy to write something up. I could also see if I could namedrop you to one of my professor friends at Columbia to see if you could get in next semester?” Foggy’s voice filters through Peter’s ears, snapping him out of the fog he’s been in.
“I would be happy to as well.” Matt adds.
Peter looks up at them and forces a smile. “Uh, yeah… I’ll think about it. I really haven’t given… the whole college thing thought yet with everything.”
“Yeah, I get it,” Foggy says, nodding. “I took a gap year myself when I was your age. It let me figure out some stuff and what I wanted to do. Nothing wrong with that! Matt, do you remember that time we-“
Foggy’s voice fades out of Peter’s ears as he looks back down at the concrete sidewalk, focusing the front of his beat up sneakers as he walks. For some reason, his chest feels super tight, the familiar feeling of anxiety clawing away at him.
He’s had so much on his plate recently, it’s been hard to even think about college. With May and Happy’s wedding last month, babysitting Morgan up at the cabin now and then, dealing with the fact that MJ and Ned are away at college now living their new lives without him, patrolling, taking photos of himself as Spider-Man and selling them for some extra cash at the Bugle, and not to mention the fact that he’s still recovering from everything that happened with his identity leaking and Dr. Strange trying to reverse it only for Peter to screw it up and dealing with the repercussions that followed, then the whole thing with the multiverse villains going rogue, meeting the two other Peter’s, and May almost dying after Peter destroyed Happy’s old apartment during the fight with the Goblin.
College hasn’t been at the top of his to-do list.
Peter’s chest tightens more as his brows pull together, digging his fingernails into the palms of his hands to focus on something else, other than everything swirling around in his head at rapid speed.
Sometimes it’s all just… too much.
Car horns blare around them from the traffic, hearing people yelling from inside their cars.
Peter winces at the sound. He can hear the sound of all of the people walking on the street, hearing heels clicking against the pavement further up at the intersection, as well as a dog panting, car tires scraping against the road as it takes a turn.
It’s all too much.
Peter grits his teeth and closes his eyes for a brief second, mindful of the fact that he could accidentally bump into anyone on this busy sidewalk. He can feel his heart starting to steadily beat faster, thrumming against his chest and into his throat.
It’s going to choke him.
Peter snaps open his eyes when his spider-sense goes off, just in time for him to avoid bumping his shoulder into someone. His eyes dart around at all of the people around him, smelling a thousand smells all at once.
Everything’s dialed up to eleven.
He goes to take in a deep breath to calm himself… but he can’t. His heart is beating so fast—too fast—and his chest feels way too tight, not allowing anymore air inside. It only seems to be sucking out any air he has in there.
He knows this feeling too well, unfortunately.
A panic attack.
He’s having a panic attack in the middle of a crowded sidewalk in Hell’s Kitchen.
He’s going to die from suffocation and embarrassment.
Peter’s thoughts race as the panic truly starts to set in.
What do I do? What do i do? What do I do? What do I-
“Peter,” He hears Matt say in a firm voice admits all of the loud sounds around them, feeling the man’s hand on his right elbow, gently squeezing. “You need to take a deep breath.”
He can’t.
It’s all too much.
Way too much.
He can’t even get any air in his lungs.
“I-I-“ Peter stutters out, gasping. “C-can’t breathe—“
Before he’s even aware of it, he feels Matt pull him off the sidewalk, everything starting to blur around him. He’s able to notice the change in brightness around them, picking up on a moist, gross smell which could only mean they stepped into an alleyway.
“Whoa—what the hell’s going on?” He hears Foggy ask in a worried voice.
“Peter, you need to try to take a deep breath in for me, okay?” Matt tells him.
Peter tries to tell him that he can’t but all that comes out of his mouth are choked gasps.
Why is this happening?
He can’t breathe.
He can’t breathe.
He can’t freaking breathe.
“Oh my God, Matt!” He hears Foggy exclaim as a wave of dizziness and an odd, cold sensation washes over him.
Peter is distantly aware of himself falling backwards into the alley wall, feeling the bricks scraping his back as he slides to the ground. A pair of hands grab him, saving him from slamming his head on the dirty, concrete ground.
“Peter, I need you to breathe. You’re alright. I promise.”
“Oh my God. That’s it—I’m calling an ambulance.” Foggy says in a panicked voice.
“No,” Matt forcefully says. “No hospitals.”
“But Matt—he’s turning as white as a sheet and he can’t even breathe!”
Peter squeezes his closed eyes more, tightly clenching his fists as he desperately tries to focus on the hands on his shoulders. He feels one of his hands being grabbed by a warm one and brought up to a chest, feeling his knuckles brush up against the smooth fabric of a shirt.
“Peter, focus on my voice, alright? Try to focus on my breathing. Do you understand?” Matt’s voice comes through the sound of Peter’s heart beating away. “Feel my heart beating and me breathing, okay? Try to breathe with me, Pete.”
Peter feels the chest expand and he tries to do the same, letting out a choked gasp.
“It’s okay. You’re alright—just keep trying. Breathe in… breathe out…” Matt tells him in a calm tone.
It take a long time until Peter finally feels air enter his lungs. He takes in a wheezy breath and holds it for a few seconds before he lets it out, repeating the process again. With each inhale and exhale as he tries to follow in sync with Matt, breathing starts to get a little easier.
“That’s it. You’ve got it.” Matt encourages.
When the panic is over, it leaves Peter feeling absolutely drained as he opens his eyes, a little surprised to find that he had been crying when he sees tears sticking to his own eyelashes. Matt is kneeling right in front of him on the ground with a concerned look on his face, partially hidden beneath his glasses, while Foggy is kneeling next to Peter with an equally concerned expression on his face.
“Feeling better?” Matt asks.
Peter looks back at Matt, blinking as he shakily nods. “Y-Yeah,” he says as he lets his head drop back against the wall, letting out a shaky sigh. “S-Sorry… I don’t know where that came from.”
“Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault.” Matt reassures.
“Yeah,” Foggy agrees. “I’m sorry if it was something I said-“
Peter shakes his head. “N-No it wasn’t. This… this happens sometimes.”
“You get panic attacks like this often?” Foggy asks, his brows pulling closer together in sympathy and deeper concern.
Despite Foggy knowing Matt is Daredevil, he doesn’t know that he’s Spider-Man. It’s not that Peter doesn’t trust him… it’s just that he’s learned that the less people who know his secret are safer that way. Matt knows what he means by that, with Daredevil having almost as big of a target on his back than Spider-Man does but he’s reassured Peter that he could tell Foggy and even Karen if he wanted too and that they’re the most loyal people he could meet. Which Peter knows that’s true from knowing them for such a short amount of time of less than a year.
It’s just a risk he isn’t willing to take… not right now, anyway.
“Not too often,” Peter finally says after a few moments of catching his breath. “I just… my life’s a little stressful, I guess.” He says, not knowing what other excuse to say.
A look of realization washes over Foggy’s face. “Was it about the college thing? Pete, I’m so sorry if I-“
“No, no. You’re good. I don’t really know what triggered it. Sometimes it just.. happens, I guess.”
“Do you feel better now?” Matt asks after being silent for a little bit.
Peter looks at him, nodding. “I think so.” He says as he looks down at his hands, noticing how badly they’re shaking in his lap.
“Why don’t we go into a quiet café and get you some water and something to eat?” Matt suggests as he stands up, extending a hand for Peter.
“That’s a good idea. I know a great place too.” Foggy says as he gets up as well.
Peter feels pretty lightheaded when he stands up with Matt’s help but he shakes his head and tries to fight through it, not wanting to end up fainting on top of that panic attack. He almost did and he’s had enough embarrassment for today, thank you very much.
“Lead the way, Foggy.” Matt say, his hand gripping Peter’s arm, either to reassure him or keep him grounded.
Knowing Matt, it’s probably both.
…
Foggy ended up bringing them to a little bookstore café a few blocks away. It’s dimly lit inside with warm, golden lights and it’s very cozy. They take a seat at the back of the place, surrounded by bookshelves stuffed with endless books as Foggy goes up to order and grab Peter a water.
Peter melts into a comfy beanbag he found as he looks around the place. He thinks about MJ and how much she would probably love coming to a place like this. He’ll have to remember to bring her on a date when she’s home on break from college next month for Thanksgiving.
“How are you feeling?” Matt’s voice interrupts his thoughts.
Peter looks over at him, seated in a chair. His head is tilted to the side, his round, maroon glasses shimmering in the light.
“A lot better now, thanks to you guys.”
“That’s good,” Matt says, nodding. “But what really triggered it?”
Peter bites on his lower lip, looking down as he bunches his Midtown hoodie in his fists. He’s honestly not sure what truly triggered the panic attack this time around. He hasn’t been sleeping lately, so really it could have been anything with how sensitive he gets from lack of sleep.
“I have a feeling it had something to do with Foggy mentioning college to you, right?” Matt guesses, causing Peter to snap his head up at him. Matt must hear the bones in his neck snap from the movement as he tilts his head to the side slightly. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell him, I just want to know.”
Peter bites his lip harder, just enough to draw blood. “I-I don’t know… maybe?” He says with a shrug before he lets out a long sigh. “It’s just… life has been crazy lately and everything’s going so fast. With everything that’s happened and the Blip… I feel like I’m left behind. MJ and Ned are off at MIT a-and… I’m not. I got accepted but… I couldn’t go. And… I know that Tony really wants me to go there, more than anything. I… I just don’t know how to tell him I don’t. ”
Matt leans forward with his arms resting on his legs, nodding for him to continue.
“I couldn’t go… because I didn’t think I was ready. A-And I still don’t think I am. I can’t leave the city or my family behind. I know that everyone my age goes through that and it’s normal but… it’s just different, especially after everything that’s happened.”
“With the whole Dr. Strange situation, right?” Matt asks to clarify.
He had told Matt about what went down that night at the Statue of Liberty, another time when Peter had a panic attack while he had been out on patrol and luckily Matt was there with him. It was just two months after the whole thing happened, so it was fresh on Peter’s mind at the time.
Five months later, here he is, still struggling to cope with it.
“Yeah,” Peter says with a nod. “There’s been so much going on and… I don’t want to go away to college and leave everything and everyone behind. I just… I have too much of a responsibility to the city and my family.” He says, lowering his voice in case anyone were around to listen but the cafe is so dead in here, its highly unlikely.
Matt nods, silently for a moment with a thoughtful look on his face. “I know what you mean. But… I think that you could do both, one day when you’re ready, if you wanted to. You could attend a college around here. I hear online learning is becoming popular these days, so you could be at home and study and be able to do… some extracurricular activities on the side.” He says, lowering his voice at the end.
Peter straightens up at the mention of doing college online. He hadn’t actually thought about that.
“That’s a good idea.” Peter says.
Matt smiles. “Good,” he says as he sits back. “There are options out there. You should look into something like that then if that sounds like it could work out. Think it over and don’t rush into it. Give yourself time. As for Tony, knowing how much he loves and cares about you… I think if you told him the truth he would understand. You just have to be honest with him, Peter.”
Peter nods with a small, grateful smile. “Thanks, Matt. Really… I don’t know what I would have done if I was on the street alone and panicked like that.” He admits.
“Anytime, Peter.” Matt says, the corners of his mouth pulling up into a smile.
Foggy comes around the corner at that moment, carrying two cardboard disposable trays with drinks on one and wrapped up sandwiches on the other.
“I’ve returned with the goods,” Foggy announces dramatically as he walks over and sits down in the chair next to Matt, holding out a coffee cup to him. “For you, Matthew.”
Matt breathes out a laugh at that. “Thank you, Franklin.”
Foggy’s nose wrinkles at the name but he doesn’t say anything about it as he hands Peter a drink as well. “I don’t really know what you usually order and you really shouldn’t have coffee after all of that, so I looked it up and it said chamomile tea is good for people after a panic attack and…” he says as he grabs a paper bag. “I got you a chocolate chip muffin to help raise your sugar levels and stuff.”
Peter smiles as he takes it with a thankful smile. “Thanks, Foggy.”
The three of them settle into a comfortable silence as they enjoy their lunch. Foggy and Matt start telling Peter about some funny legal cases they had when they first opened their practice and how people gave them actual chickens as payment, which makes Peter laugh at that. For once in a long time… Peter finds himself to be relaxed, sipping at his tea on the comfy beanbag chair.
He’s very lucky to have met Matt and Foggy. They’re both very good lawyers and even better friends.
And one of them just happens to be a badass, crime-fighting vigilante, so that makes it even cooler.