Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Minho watches as a little boy, about the same age as him, speeds by his house on his bike. The kid looked nervous, maybe the first time riding a two-wheel bike without training wheels. His hands grip the handlebars looking like he is going to get flung off if not.

The water on the plant leaves makes a light pitter-patter sound and it brings Minho back to what he was doing, watering the flowers. The left side of the garden flowers looks thoroughly soaked now to his content.

Once again, Minho is distracted from his garden watering due to the sound of metal scraping against the concrete as well as the sounds of a boy crying. He turns around to see the young boy, formerly on his bike, down on the ground. His face is red from the sun and a mess of tears. Minho rushes over, watering can still in hand, to the young boy and sees his knees are scraped, seems he didn’t grip the handlebars hard enough. A little blood and gravel but nothing some water couldn’t help.

“Can I help?” asks Minho, pure young honesty in his voice. The other boy just looks at him, still crying. Not getting an answer, Minho starts watering the boy's knees like he would the flower garden. Both of their socks are soaked now and are slimy to the touch. The young boy just cries harder now, not moving from his glued spot on the sidewalk.

“Oh, Minho honey!” his mother rushes over, pulling Minho away from further watering the boy's knees. She helps the kid up to his feet.

“Jisung baby! Everything alright?” as another mother rushes over and scoops up the small boy that Minho’s mom just helped up. “Thank you so much, Mrs. Lee! oh my boy, my boy” the mother, Jisung’s mother thanked his mom, Mrs. Lee.

“Oh, Mrs. Han, is there anything you need to help clean the boy up?” Minho’s worried mom asks the other mother.

“My family is over, so no need to today. Thank you so much though,” she smiles, turning away to bring back her sobbing son to her air-conditioned home with bandaids and ‘magic healing jelly’ as Minho calls it. Minho gently waves as he makes eye contact with the boy's tear-soaked face.

“Honey, could you finish emptying your watering can for the plants. I need you to walk Jisung’s bike over to his house after.” His mother says while gently leading him in the direction back to their garden. She picks up the bike to lay on their lawn out of the way for passersby.

Minho quickly finishes watering the flowers. Quickly in terms, he dumps the can upside down, watering his shoes and leaving a pool of water in the soil. His mother looks a little disappointed behind her son but doesn’t say anything, instead she smiles again because of his cute naivety.

“Okay, I need you to walk Jisung’s bike back to his house. It’s the house with a dark green door across the street. remember to check both sides of the road before crossing, sweetie.” Mrs. Lee says while setting the empty watering can aside and putting the handles of the bike into Minho’s hands. “I’ll watch you, don’t worry.”

“I can do that, Mommy!” says Minho enthusiastically. He walks the bike to the curb, looks both ways and is on his journey to the dark green door.

—

The next day, Minho is tossing bean bags into hula hoops with his dad. Minho somehow doing better than his father; he knows he’ll brag to his mom during dinner about it later. He secures his hat further onto his head and tosses another bean bag to the lower inside of the hula hoop.

“Daddy, look!!” shouts Minho, jumping up and down, pointing at the newly scored bean bag inside the hoop.

“Oh, good boy Minho! You’re so much better than I could be! You’re going to grow up to be such a good man.” his dad says, giving his son a pat on the head.

The sound of peddling and a bell ringing sound close by brings Minho out of his winning euphoria. He watches as the boy from yesterday, Jisung, approaches the front of their house.

It seems Jisung has also noticed Minho standing and looking at him. The boy had stopped ringing his bell and rides his bike the furthest from the house he could on the three-foot wide sidewalk. Jisung avoids eye contact as Minho looks on. A couple doors down, he continues loudly ringing his bell and is centred on the sidewalk once again.

“‘ight boy, time to get you cleaned up. your mother will be upset if you’ve gotten more sun than yesterday,” Mr. Lee says, picking up the hula hoops and putting the bean bags in a pile. Minho happily nods, fastens his hat for the billionth time and continues to collect the bean bags to bring inside the house.

—

March’s snow was clearing and little green buds started to poke up through the brown ground. Minho had just finished his grade six fractions math test, and he rushed home excited to show his parents his perfect score. Especially his father.

“I’m home!” he yells through the house. He gets no response, the usual, so he slides off his shoes from his heel with his toes and rushes upstairs, petting Sooni on the way up, the third step from the top where she usually lounges.

Turning around the poster, he notices his door slightly open. not something he normally does but mainly hopes Sooni hasn't slept in his clean laundry.

Getting closer, he hears the hushed whispers of his parents and his mother sniffing, like she was crying through the slightly opened door. Minho presses into his room to see his parents looking at him. His father, one of the angriest times he’s ever seen him (tied with the time Minho got 78% on a history quiz) as well as his mother in tears, her face slightly red from crying. she wrings her hands, something she always does when something bad is about to happen.

“Sit down, son,” his father says, trying to keep his voice fair as possible while gesturing for Minho to sit on his bed.

His father stands out of place in Minho’s room. Decorated with posters of his favourite musicians and movies. SHINee, Hozier, Lord Huron, 2PM, as well as multiple Star Wars and superhero posters. Highly contrasted compared to his father’s intimidating aura. His mother is backed off to the side, clutching Minho's desk, looking small in her spot.

Mr. Lee brings attention to a pile of magazines and printed sheets he’s brought out on Minho’s desk.

“What the fuck is this?” his father says, pointing at the pile. Minho knows what this is, but he doesn’t respond.

“Tell me!” he screams to his face. His mother gasps at her husband but doesn’t do anything to stop the onslaught. His father brings one of the printed sheets to Minho, holding it under his nose. Minho reads it, barely processing the words in front of him. It’s a screenshot of his browsing history. URLs to male models in only underwear. Nothing too explicit, but something that would concern the father of an eleven-year-old boy.

“I didn’t raise a fucking fag in my household! Do you hear me!!” his father yells. Minho realizes the window is open, and the neighbours can likely hear his father’s yelling, but nothing unusual, minus the slur. His mother holds her face in her hands, unable to look.

“Do you fucking hear me, Lee Minho?!” his father yells again, throwing the magazines and paper onto the floor. His mother winces at the sound. No one moves.

“Yes, I heard you, dad,” Minho says, unable to make eye contact with his own father. His eyes are glued to the floor, although away from the sheets of paper.

“Please, dear, we don’t have to do this...” his mother quietly says. Mr. Lee ignores his wife.

“I’m not sure when you started this, but you’re being sent to a nice strict catholic school that will get you in shape. No need to worry, my boy,” Mr. Lee says with a switch of attitude and fake sympathy in his voice. All Minho does is nod. “You’ll be starting next week. We’ll get your uniform tomorrow since you won’t be attending that school anymore,” his father says again. All Minho can do is nod. There is no point in trying to argue.

His father leaves the room. His mother also slips out, unable to make eye contact with her own son.

—

Sunday afternoon, Minho is on the front sidewalk with his luggage, ready for the few months he’ll be staying at the catholic boarding school this year. He’s stuck in his oversized uniform, dark green blazer and pants. He hates the colour.

His dad finally leaves the house, locking the door behind him. He pats Minho on the shoulder and slips into the driver's side of the car. Minho hauls his luggage into the trunk of the car. He catches sight of Jisung. The two make eye contact. Minho in his green uniform and little embellished cross. Jisung in a sweater and comfy outdoor gear with his plastic baseball bat. Likely heading to the park to play ball. Both don’t say anything but the way they made eye contact rubbed them both the wrong way.

Minho shuts the trunk and slips into the back seat. The car starts just as he’s putting on his seatbelt. He leaves the neighbourhood with a great hatred for his father, his new school, his sexuality, the colour dark green and as well as hatred for Han Jisung.

—

Throughout a couple of months at the new school, Minho decided to keep to himself. Get the school work done, do well, and a couple extracurriculars to please his father and teachers. The three and a half months were a drag but he managed. Returning home from the year, high nineties and a gold ribbon from the track team to please his father.

On the hot car ride home, Minho and his father didn’t talk much. If they did, they both avoided the touchy subject of why Minho went to that school. They let the elephant stay.

—

Early July, the sun making their clothes stick and friends hanging out on the lawn debating which colour freezie was the best flavour.

“Oi Minho!” a boy calls from across the street, sitting on the grass in the group. Minho recognizes the voice, Chan’s. Seems he’s in town for the summer with his grandparents once again.

Minho calls back, “Hey, Chan!” while heading over to the other side of the street, checking both ways before crossing. Arriving at the clearing, Minho recognizes the group, Chan, his good friend Changbin (someone he also recognizes from the catholic school, although didn’t get to know too well), Choerry, Jinsoul and Han Jisung. Bikes are strewn across the lawn from friends that are from other blocks. Minho sits in a space between Choerry and Jisung. Jisung slightly scootches away from Minho, hoping he doesn’t see but Minho does and pretends not to notice.

“How have you been, it’s been almost a year since we’ve seen each other!” Chan exclaims. “Would you also like a freezie? The purple ones are the best,” he quickly adds.

“Whoah whoah, the blue ones are the best!” says Jinsoul looking betrayed. Chan looks offended at the statement and the group has started bickering for the millionth time that afternoon about which flavour is the best.

“Can I have a red one?” Minho asks over the bickering. Chan nods and runs inside quickly. Just as quickly as he left, Chan returned with a red freezie with the top cut off for Minho, his grandparents yelling at him from the inside for wearing shoes in the house.

“Here you go, bro,” Chan says, giving the freezie to Minho and then plopping back down in his spot.

“Thanks!” Minho exclaims in return and starts to enjoy his iced snack.

The group proceeds in their chattering, discussions of chocolate, new music and movies, as well as school.

“Oh yea, Minho, didn’t you go to a new school back in march? Doesn’t Changbin go there too?” asks Choerry, sitting cross-legged in the grass, her back hunched and pigtails dangling in the air in front of her chest.

“Yep,” says Changbin before Minho can say anything.

“Ooo, how was it?” asks Jinsoul before Choerry can return another question.

“It was okay,” shrugs Minho. “School, just with a bit more of Jesus and a gross uniform.” Choerry and Changbin laugh at the Jesus statement.

“You’re lucky you’re new; three years ago, the uniform was worse,” says Changbin. That’s the most that Minho has heard him talk.

“Worse?” Minho asks.

“Yep, on formal days and holidays, we had to wear kilts. Not fun.” Changbin says, eyes widening, the memory obviously not being pleasant based on his facial expression.

Jisung and Jinsoul laugh at this new knowledge.

“Boys having to wear skirts?!” Jisung spits out while laughing. “I can’t imagine that,” he continues to say, Choerry joins in the laughing, and Chan has a smirk on his face. Changbin and Minho are the only ones not laughing.

“Wasn’t too bad, just… cold,” Changbin says, hoping to drag the conversation from its downwards spiral, but this time Chan and Minho have joined in on the laughing and the three before are hysterical now.

“Changbin- we didn’t need to know that!” Jinsoul says, clutching her stomach while she’s strewn out on the grass laughing hysterically, tears in her eyes. Changbin looks embarrassed but decides to keep to himself whatever he was going to say next.

“I’m going to peeee,” says Jinsoul running off to the inside of Chan’s house, still laughing. The group continues to laugh harder and Changbin joins in on laughing at Jinsoul.

Jinsoul returns, wiping her hands on her shorts, leaving dark wet marks on them. The laughing has subsided now that she’s returned, everyone getting their bearings and gasping for breath.

“Why did you go to the new school?” Chan asks innocently, having no clue what was in store. “It’s kinda weird to go to a new one close to the end of the year,” he quickly adds.

“My-“ Minho starts but is quickly cut off.

“His dad told him too,” Jisung says smugly. Minho looks surprised at how Jisung knows this.

Yea…” Minho says, scratching the back of his head, nervous about what information Jisung knows or does not know.

“Just ‘cause your dad-“ Chan starts but is also cut off by Jisung.

“Yes sir, his dad said he’s a ‘fag’,” Jisung says proudly; Chan winces at the word, Jinsoul, Changbin and Choerry look oblivious to what the word means. “It means he’s gay. A boy kisser,” he continues after seeing the group's reaction.

“Jisung…” Chan’s voice dies out.

“You like boys?” says Choerry, pure curiosity in her voice.

“Um-“ Minho is once cut off again.

“Yea, his dad told me,” states Jisung. Minho’s stomach drops. He feels disgusted with himself.

“Jisung, that isn’t nice to say…” says Chan, feeling uncomfortable for Minho.

“It’s true though!” exclaims Jisung.

Minho is picking at the grass, avoiding eye contact with everyone leering at him. He feels the sun beat harder down on him and is hyper-aware of his body. His sweat trickled, the way his shirt is too tight now, the empty freezie wrapper tucked under his thigh from blowing away. The way he feels his body get overwhelmingly hot with embarrassment and self-hatred.

“Even if he likes boys, there’s nothing wrong with that!” exclaims Choerry in Minho’s defence.

“Yeah, it’s normal,” adds Chan.

Jisung and Jinsoul look uncomfortable, Changbin doesn’t say anything.

“There- '' Jisung begins but this time, it's his turn to be cut off.

“Well, I'm gonna go,” says Jinsoul, breaking the tension although still looking uncomfortable. “See ya later,” she says, picking up her bike from the grass.

“Yea, it’s probably dinner soon,” says Choerry getting her bike up off the lawn too to follow Jinsoul. “See you guys tomorrow,” she says, waving with a slight pitying smile. Both girls leave and turn the corner, out of sight.

“Same here, dinner,” says Changbin, also picking up his bike and peddling off. The three boys left watch him go.

“Well, I’m gonna have dinner and watch a movie!” says Jisung excitedly, pretending he didn’t just ruin Minho’s entire life. “Wanna come?” he asks, turning to Chan, not paying Minho any mind. It wasn’t like he wanted to join either way.

“Uh, sorry, not tonight. I gotta help my grandparents with dishes and laundry,” says Chan sheepishly.

“Okay! see you tomorrow Chan!” Jisung says, heading back to his house, ignoring Minho once again.

“Imma go too, see ya,” says Minho, hurriedly getting up.

“See ya ‘round. Don’t take anything of what Jisung says too seriously,” says Chan apologizing to Minho. Although Minho is already across the street before he can respond.

—

The next day, Minho watches the group out on Chan’s grandparents' lawn once again. This time he doesn’t join, not wanting a repeat of yesterday.

It’s not until the next week that Minho joins the group again; no one talks about what happened the week before. They continue on like nothing happened.

Throughout the summer, the friends race around the block, biking to the local park, attempting to bake together and go to the lake to swim on especially hot days. Jinsoul seems to have recovered from that one day, although Jisung and Minho still leave a distance between them, both feeling unwell near each other.

—

In the last week of August, Minho rounded up his stuff once again to head to his now newish school. His mom has ironed his uniform the night before leaving.

The next day, Minho had his uniform on and luggage ready to go for the second time that year. His mother kisses him goodbye, wishing he enjoys the year.

His dad locks the door behind them while they slip out into the warm afternoon. Nobody is out this afternoon, likely spending it inside getting ready with siblings and parents for the new school year.

The two slip into the car and speed away to Minho’s temporary new home.

—

March rolls around again, this time more enjoyable than the last. He went into that year with Changbin as his friend and was lucky to make new friends as well. Some he considers his best friends. Junkyu, Yunho and Mashiho he considers his closest.

During weekly prayers, Minho begs god to take these feelings and affections towards boys he has. Dod doesn’t seem to answer and Minho wallows in guilt for not bettering himself and besting these unnormal feelings he has. He could make blood sacrifices at this point, but that’s likely frowned upon on school grounds, sadly.

He gets through the year with his friends and gets top academic scores once again. He’s proud to show his father once he gets home.

He’s content to complete grade seven.

—

Home for the summer, he talks to his parents about his great marks and new friends. Both his mother and father are proud of him, as well as that he’s enjoying school.

Summer is a repeat of last year, minus the discussion of Minho’s school and sexuality. Jisung and Minho still have this unaddressed gap between them that neither talk about. The rest seem to have forgotten about the discussion and are enjoying their summer to the fullest.

For the third time, Minho is sent to pack his stuff for the boarding school. Although a little happier than last year with friends to look forward to seeing.

—

Winter break rolls around. Minho, Junkyu, Mashiho and Yeonjun are huddled close, the group deciding not to go home for winter break. They share a game of Sorry that none of them seem too passionate in.

“I’m tired,” Junkyu whines for the fifth time.

“You’re always tired,” says Mashiho.

“Eugh, not always,” Junkyu says, stretching out his legs and placing his head in Mashiho’s lap, turned towards the board game. At this point, it’s normal for the two to be affectionate; nothing that either phases Minho or Yeonjun at this point.

“Yo, I have a serious question here,” says Yeonjun. The three turn to look at him, curious about what he is going to say.

“What is it,” asks Minho, crossed-legged on the floor, matching Mashiho’s and Yeonjun’s positions around the board.

“Promise not to laugh at me,” he asks. The group nods in unison. “Um, have you guys ever liked boys…?” he asks shyly. It’s not normal to see Yeonjun shy; he always holds himself high, ever flowing with his expressiveness and confidence.

Mashiho shrugs, leaning back, hands behind him, propping himself up. “Yea, I like boys,” he states.

Yeonjun watches him with peeled eyes, a little taken aback. This is also a surprise to Minho. Junkyu is the only person who doesn’t seem surprised.

“Really?” asks Yeonjun quietly.

“Yea. Since, like, I don’t know, forever? A long time at least,” says Mashiho.

Yeonjun and Minho envy Mashiho’s openness about his queerness.

“Do you like boys?” asks Junkyu, still lying down.

“Um, yeah, I think so. I like boys, yeah, that sounds right,” Yeonjun says, more to himself than anyone else. Mashiho smiles.

“I’m guessing you also like boys?” Yeonjun asks Junkyu.

“Correct,”

“Wow,” Yeonjun mutters to himself. Minho is quietly taking in the conversation from his spot. “what about you, Minho?” this time Yeonjun asking him.

Minho is reminded of the summer after sixth grade. Not pleasant, but despite these negative thoughts, he decides to answer truthfully to his friends; he feels safe here.

“Yea, I also do,” he says. Relief seems to wash over Yeonjun as well as Minho, tension leaving both of them. Minho feels safe within this group.

“I thought it was gonna be something serious, like what to do if you find a squirrel skeleton,” jokes Junkyu. The boys laugh at the call back to the beginning of that year when Yeonjun was in tears after finding the carcass of a squirrel during break. Yeonjun felt guilty for its death and it’s all he talked about for a week.

The boys laugh, the conversation going from their queerness and openness, catholic guilt as well as rating candies the school shop provides (they were all rated very low, unsurprisingly).

—

That school year, Minho doesn’t pray to God anymore about being gay. Instead, he hopes for the best for his friends and his grades. Something hopefully a little more doable for God to help him with.

The end of the year is the same as the last. This time wiping tears while hugging his friends goodbye, sad he won’t be able to see them until after the summer.

—

The mid-august heat sends Minho, Chan, Changbin, Jinsoul, Choerry and Jisung to the lake to cool off. The water refreshing to them compared to the heat that makes cement look like it has water pools. Chan and Minho take turns attempting to dunk each other under the water while Choerry, Changbin and Jisung aggressively splash water at each other. Jinsoul decided to stay on the beach. She decided she didn’t like the water that year. Chan and Choerry grew tired of coercing her into the water. So she stayed there content just watching them.

Over time the group got bored of splashing each other, and chan decided to call a game.

“Oi, you guys wanna do a team game?” asks Chan. The group responds with enthusiastic yeses. “Okay, we’ll split us north to south,” Chan says, drawing a line between the opposite poles with his arm, “Changbin and Choerry together, Jisung and Minho together. Then I can ref until we switch teams.” Chan exclaims. “It’s gonna be the game where we gotta push each other off each other's shoulders, can only use your hands tho!” Choerry is bouncing up and down in her spot, excited to start.

“I can be the base if you want…” starts Minho, but by the time he’s finished his sentence, Jisung is already over towards chan whining.

“Channnn, why can’t I be with Changbin?” pouts Jisung. The whiney voice hurts Minho. He feels sick already with Jisung complaining about him.

“No!” shouts Choerry. “Me and Changbin are gonna win this. Go back to Minho, loser,” she continues, confidence dripping in her voice. Changbin and her look like they could kill somebody with the confidence that they have. Changbin known to be a good base, and Choerry being a good fighter, although rarely paired together.

“Jisung, c’mon, it’s one round. The teams have equal strength this way,” states Chan, trying to get his whiney friend to understand.

“Pleeeeease, I'm not gonna play if I'm paired with *him*,” says Jisung pointing at Minho. Minho gulps.

“It’s one r-“ starts chan.

“It’s okay,” says Minho sheepishly. “I can sit out so Chan can play then,” he says with a fake smile of kindness. Jisung looks smug, knowing he got what he wanted.

“Awesome, that works!” says Chan excitedly. Jisung is already crawling onto Chan's shoulders before Minho has started leaving the water.

Minho trudges back to Jinsoul, accidentally kicking sand on his own towel. He sits down on the sand-covered towel, too much in a bad mood to get up and shake it out.

“You good?” Jinsoul asks while looking at the other four in the water.

“No,” says Minho. Jinsoul doesn’t respond. They leave the conversation at that.

—

Before Minho tucked himself into bed that night, he prayed to God that he wasn’t gay for the first time in months.

—

The school year begins again, and this time Minho is excited to be back at school. He catches up with Yeonjun, Junkyu, Mashiho and Yunho the Sunday evening he arrives. They sit around in the dorm's living room, catching up between bites of outside school snacks. The last taste of goodness they get before the school’s horrible candies.

This school year, everything comes easily to Minho so far. He’s at the top of academics without a sweat. Other boys catch wind of this and Minho opens tutoring sessions for a small cost. Money, outside-of-school candies and, depending on the boy, a shared kiss behind a closed door. He enjoys this routine and the awards.

One day, disrupting his daily pattern, someone knocks on his classroom door. It’s 1:37pm, the middle of class. The science teacher goes to open it. It’s the secretary.

“Is Lee Minho in this class?” the visiting secretary asks.

“He’s here, Minho.” the class teacher calls him. Minho gets up from his spot, pairs of eyes glued to his back while he makes his way to the exit of the classroom. Once the door is closed and the two have made a couple steps away from the door to avoid being overheard, the secretary starts speaking.

“Your father is in the hospital.”

“What?” Minho sharply responds.

“He has gotten into a bad car accident and is currently under strict care but alive. Upon request of your mother, you’re going to be sent home for the rest of the year to spend it with them. Classwork will be emailed to you and you can do your exams online, don’t worry about that. I’m sorry I have to tell you this way but it’s best you are home soon,” she quickly says.

A thousand thoughts rush to Minho's head. It’s his first year of high school, and he finally feels comfortable here. Why does he have to leave now? Is his father okay? What about his friends? Does his father really want him to even be there at his deathbed? His head spins.

“You can go to your room to pack up your stuff. I’ll get your stuff from class and let your teacher know,” the secretary says, pulling Minho out of his cluttered head. She lightly pushes him in the direction of his dorm room.

“What about my friends? Can I say bye?” Minho asks before running off to reluctantly pack.

“Your mom wanted you to be quick. I’d say no. I’m sorry.” the secretary says.

“Okay,” Minho says deadpan; he rushes off to his room before the secretary can respond to him.

Minho half-heartily shoves his stuff into his suitcase without too much urgency. He doesn’t exactly want to go home. He doesn’t wanna see his father, but he remembers his mother. ‘finefinefine’ he thinks, then picks up the pace of his packing for the sake of his mother.

The secretary returns with his stuff from his class and walks him to the school driver to bring him home. Minho just stares out the window, forcing himself to think about his friends and not the guilty pity he feels for his father.

The dashboard of the car reads that it's just past 6pm when they turn onto Minho's street. They pass the dark green door and park before Chan’s grandparents' house, where his own home is across the way.

“Need help carrying your stuff, Mr. Lee?” the driver asks, popping the trunk with a button on the inside.

“I’ll be okay, thanks though,” says Minho getting out of the car to carry his suitcase to his doorstep.

“Stay safe, kid,” the driver says before leaving. Minho waves at the driver as he walks to his front door. It’s yellow. Hasn’t changed since he was born. He was told his mother picked up the colour when she was pregnant with him. He had never paid attention to the door colour before today. It matters now for some reason, as it brings him comfort. He raises his hand to knock but his mom has opened the door before his knuckles can make a sound on it. Standing in the doorway his mother holds him and cries into her son’s shoulder the second they make contact. Before Minho realizes it, his eyes are wet too.

That night his mother and Minho barely talk. He already knows. He doesn’t need words to understand what has happened.

It's late before Minho falls asleep, mixed feelings tumbling about in his head. His confusion about what he’s supposed to feel. He’s angry, and before he knows it, he’s crying for the fifth time that day, angry tears streaking his face and pillowcase. He falls asleep with no dreams that night.

Minho didn't wake up until midday. His mom didn’t want to disturb his sleep, it seems. When he wakes up, the realization of yesterday hits him. He lets his mind muddle with non-coherent thoughts, ignoring the hunger at the pit of his stomach from a lack of dinner and breakfast. Although the sun peaking through his blinds has ticked him off enough to get out of bed and feed his starving body.

Downstairs, only stopping to pet Sooni, he greets cold toast as well as a note with his mother's handwriting paired with his father’s ring holding it from fluttering away from the airflow of the house or possibly Sooni’s attempt to have it as her new toy.

The note in his mother’s handwriting reads;

*Minho, I am at work right now. I'm sorry I didn’t wake you up, but from the events of yesterday I thought it would be nice to let you sleep in. I’ve left your father’s ring for you. he always said he wanted you to have when you graduated but I feel now is the right time to give it to you. your father loved you so much, he just wasn’t the best at expressing it; I'm sorry about that. please call me from the phone in the kitchen if you need me. I’ll be home at usual time. your father and I love you so much. love you lots*

He reads the note over a couple times before processing what it says. It brings tears to Minho's eyes but he pushes them down; his father wouldn’t want Minho crying over him. So instead, he slips his father’s ring and note from his mother into his pocket.

For Minho's midday meal, he chucks the cold toast and has ramen instead. It's a little better compared to cold toast, so he returns to his room with his ramen and his note from his mother and his father’s ring. He just sits at his desk and doesn’t think about much. He doesn’t want to think much anyways.

After a while, Minho gets tired of trying to think of nothing so he finally consumes himself in homework to distract himself from feeling guilty for his father’s death. Anything was easier than thinking about it. About how it was easier to sit in his room without being paranoid about his dad barging in. About how it was easier to process who he was without his dad’s off remarks about how weak he was for liking men. For being a fag. He was still his father, though; he had his best interests for his son, right? Then why was he not as sad as he should be. Is he still in shock?

The hours pass, but the jingling of his mother’s keys at the door wakes him from his consumed trace, he races downstairs to get the door for her.

“Oh, Minho sweetie,” she holds him tight to her chest before locking the door behind her. The two head to the kitchen to make dinner, if anything Minho misses cooking with his mother, he didn't get to at the boarding school, and his father said cooking was his mother’s job. It was nice to finally have some alone time with her. They slowly take out ingredients from the fridge and get the stovetop on. The mother and son duo work together in silence, slicing meat and veggies before his mother breaks the silence.

“I need to talk to you about something if that’s okay,” she asks, he lets out a noise of acknowledgement, so she continues, “I was curious if you’d like to go to the local high school. I feel like it would be better for you to make friends in the area. I’m worried you’ll be cooped up working on work from your current school as it’s online now,” she states.

Minho pauses his chopping before answering, “Why?” he asks, “Didn’t Dad want me to stay there?” Minho regretted it the second it came out of his mouth; his mom was giving him the freedom of a choice, yet he was bogged down by his father’s expectations of him even in his passing.

“It’s your first year of high school, it’s important you make the best of it,” she says, not looking away from her work. She knows Minho made a point but he was her son. All she wanted was the best for him, especially to make up for his relationship with his father. She could never be the father figure role Minho needed, but she was his mother and that was the best she could do.

“Oh, I’ll try it,” he responds.

“I’m glad sweetie,” she smiles. It was going to be hard making up for what they had lost but she was going to try. “I also want to talk to you about the whole boarding school situation,” she says cautiously. Minho looks away from his mother in shame.

“What about it,” he shoots back, it was still a touchy subject for him around his parents. His parent.

She chokes back a sob before speaking, her hand pressed to her face. “I want you to know I never stopped loving you since the situation years ago. I’m not ashamed of who you are, you’re my son and I love you. I know your father wants the best for you and what he felt and what he did, he thought it was right, but I want you to know I want to go ahead with things differently. You’re my son and you’re all I have.” She has hot tears streaking down her face and the meat in the pan is burning but all Minho can do is look at his mother with stinging tears in his eyes.

“Mom…” Minho has tears streaking down his face; this is all he wants from his mother, reassurance that who he is is okay. Even if it was just toleration, it was more than he prayed for. Although before the two could embrace, the blaring sound of the fire alarm came on, signalling their chicken was a little more than burnt in the pan they had left abandoned. His mother rushes to take the burning pan off the stove and douse it in water as Minho goes to turn off the alarm.

“Take out?” Minho laughs.

“Take out.” his mother responds.

–

It’s been a couple days since Minho returned home because of his father’s passing. It’s the day of his funeral, a warm November Saturday where the weather doesn’t fit into the sombre mood of the family and friends around them. He’s given empty sorries and apologies from faces he doesn’t recognize. It wasn’t their fault; why were they even saying sorry, but all he feels is the pit of his stomach sinking deeper. Then finally, it’s time to lower his father’s casket into the pit. His mother grips onto his shoulder, a tissue close to her face to catch running tears. Words are said that he doesn’t remember. His mother, him and other close family members finally pile dirt onto the grave. Hot tears sting his eyes and he pushes the moist dirt over the casket. Faster and faster he piles, it’s best he gets this part of his life over with. This hurt and loss won't be such a burden later in life if he gets it over now. His father would be proud of him for thinking this way. He steps back, looking at the dirt mound while holding his mother’s hand. It’s done.

The rest of the weekend Minho and his mother spend shopping for clothes for school. He doesn’t have many casual clothes for colder weather as he spends them in his uniform at the Catholic school. His mother also treats him to his first phone, all kids his age already had one but his father was against it due to his past circumstances. She says she was going to get him one for his birthday last month but his father was still against it. He thanks her as they get home with new bags of clothes and things he’ll be needing for starting at public school for the first time in years.

He lays in bed worrying about what this school will be like. Joining in the middle of the year is going to be an interesting start. People already have their friend groups and cliques, and most extracurriculars have already started and he doubted it would be a good start. Although before he knew it, it was time for bed, he tucked himself in, double-checking his alarm for the next morning.

The blaring noise wakes him up at exactly eight am. Luckily it only takes him a twenty-minute walk from his house to the new school, but the last thing he wanted was to be late on his first day in the middle of the school year. So he groggily gets out of bed, has breakfast, brushes his teeth and has a crisis about which of his new clothes to wear. He finally decides on a light hoodie to wear under his new fleecy jacket, along with jeans and his new sneakers. Hopefully, it doesn’t point him out as the new kid with the now-dead father. Finally, he waves his mother goodbye and trudges off to school.

The doors are already crowded with people flowing into the building. He picks up his schedule from the office and heads to his first class. Walking into math, the first person he sees is Jisung, sitting at the back of the class, his head back, laughing with one of the other kids. Before Jisung can notice him, he rushes to the other side of the class to the front and puts himself there, his back to Jisung. He lets out a breath as other kids file into the room, taking seats. Before long, the teacher comes in, asking if Minho is the new kid. He nods and asks Minho to introduce himself to the class after the bell rings. After a couple minutes, the chatter finally dies and the bell rings, signalling everyone to be in their class now.

“I hope everyone is having a good Monday and had an enjoyable weekend! If you haven’t noticed, we have a new student, everyone please introduce Minho,” the teacher says, motioning for Minho to stand up and face the class. Minho feels himself heat up with all the pairs of eyes on him. Some he recognizes from his elementary school and summer days but most he doesn’t. “C’mon, why don’t you introduce yourself,” the teacher says.

“Um, I’m Minho. I used to go to a catholic school a couple hours from here, and uh, yea,” he says, mumbling the last few words.

“Why did you transfer here?” the teacher asks cluelessly.

“Isn’t he the kid with the dead father,” someone in the class asks. The class suddenly starts whispering at this newfound information about Minho, acting like he’s not there as they question his personal life. He was prepared for this to happen but not this quickly.

“Yeah, my father died,” Minho responds matter-of-factly. He sits down back in his seat. The teacher purses his lips before continuing on with the lesson trying to get the topic off the uncomfortable conversation.

Finally, the bell rings for the first class to be over. He found the new class easy as he packs up his stuff getting ready to head to science, his next class. Just as he entered the hallway, Jisung, the last person he needed to bother him right now, elbows him in the arm to get his attention.

“Should’ve told them why you even went to the school,” he laughs with a smirk on his mouth. “Boy kisser,” he whispers. Seems Jisung is still up to his old antics. God, Minho wishes he could punch that smirk off his face.

The day luckily seems to be the same, introducing himself to the class and trying his best to just get around the crowded halls. Although luckily, without Jisung bothering him or making homophobic remarks.

Finally, the bell rings at three o’clock. Kids spring out of their seats to head back home and ignore their homework.

The week continues as the days before. Luckily not too many people question him about why he’s there and only know him as the new kid. Classes come easily to Minho and he stays in his lane. The next week comes. A Tuesday morning right before lunch, he’s tapped on the shoulder by someone in his science class. Minho recognizes him, Hyunjin. He’s relatively popular due to his good looks in their grade and it’s definitely odd for some popular kid to be tapping Minho on the shoulder, especially the new kid, but Minho asks what he wants anyways.

“Wanna hang out for lunch?” Hyunjin asks politely. Minho looks at him confused but doesn’t find any malice behind his words, so he accepts his offer. The two pack up their stuff as the bell rings, and Minho follows Hyunjin to their table for lunch. He sits down with the group, and he recognizes the two other boys at the table from his classes. The guy with the freckles is Felix, and the other guy with the collared sweater and glasses is Seungmin, both from Minho’s history class.

“You're Minho, right?” asks Felix, his deep voice spooking Minho a bit.

“Yep,” Minho responds shortly, not wanting to overstep and deciding it was best to speak only when he was told or questioned.

“Is it true your Dad got murdered, and then you transferred here? Or was it you bullied some kid, and then you got transferred out?” Felix asks quickly. Minho’s face is quickly marked with confusion. Hyunjin notices and butts in.

“C’mon, slow down Felix, he just got here,” Hyunjin laughs.

“So is it true?” Seungmin asks, his eyes squinting jokingly.

“One, no, at least far as I know. Two, haven’t heard that one, but I wish I was cool enough to bully someone,” Minho responds jokingly. The group laughs and they pull out their lunches. The new quad group gets to know each other throughout the meal. They joke and laugh until the bell rings, and they’re forced to split up to go to their respective classes. Felix, Seungmin and Minho wave Hyunjin goodbye as the trio heads to their history class.

Throughout the next month, Minho fits in perfectly with the new group of Hyunjin, Felix and Seungmin. They spend time laughing over lunch and having movie nights and study sessions at each other's houses. Hyunjin was even nice enough to get Minho onto the dance team despite tryouts already ending. Minho was finally looking forward to his days at school with his friends.

As the season changed into winter, the group said goodbye as the bell rang for winter break to start. Snow was sticking to the ground, and Minho had to pull his coat into his chest to keep himself warm as the wind threatened to rip him apart. Just five minutes from his house, pulling his hat farther around his head, a snowball caught him square in the back. He quickly turned around to try to find the culprit, but no one was there. He continued trudging on until another snowball whizzed past his ear, landing in the yard beside him. This time he whipped around to see the blur of someone’s boot bolt behind a snow-covered car.

“What the hell was that for?” Minho yelled at the car to the person behind it. He stood there for thirty seconds hoping for a response, but none came and he turned on his heel to continue on his way home. ‘It was probably just some annoying kid,’ he muttered to himself. Although on the last couple minutes home, snowballs came whizzing at him, most hitting his back or the back of his legs, he was pissed but all he wanted to do was to get home. Finally turning onto his street, he heard footsteps behind him and someone grabbed him by the neck and shoved him into the snow bank by surprise. Laughing came from behind him, along with a couple homophobic remarks. He recognized that laugh and voice from the back of the class, Jisung. Minho turned around before giving Jisung a shove without saying a word, Jisung was lighter but that doesn’t mean being dunked in the snow by surprise didn’t hurt. Tears stung at Minho’s eyes as he turned around to speed home.

“Hey! Boy kisser c’mere I’m not done with you yet!” Jisung yelled, chasing after Minho. Jisung scooped up snow from the side of the road to throw it at Minho as the two ran. Racing up the steps of his house, Jisung turning down the path of Minho’s house, and his front door opened before he could even touch it. Minho’s mother greeted him with a smile before that smile was wiped off by a stray snowball from Jisung, hitting her square in the face.

Minho spun around, to see Jisung’s jaw had dropped to the floor. Minho’s mother wiped the snow off her face showing an expression of anger and disappointment toward Jisung.

“Ms. Lee- I’m sorry it was an accident- we were just having fun, I swear-” Jisung stuttered, his confidence from harassing Minho earlier now gone.

“Han Jisung, I don’t want to hear it. I will be talking to your mother later.” Minho’s mom says. Minho pushes behind her, tears stinging his eyes. Before Jisung could respond, his mother closed the door, and Minho raced upstairs to his room, tracking snow from his jacket along the way. He lays on his bed, his pants now soaked from the encounter, and his wet jacket and hat lay in a pile by the corner of his room. He lay like that for a couple of minutes until his mom knocked on his door.

“Come in,” Minho says, sitting up on the corner of his bed to see his mom.

“Oh, sweetie, is everything okay,” she asks cautiously, sitting beside him. Minho just gives a grunt as tears sting his eyes. “I’m okay if you’re worried about that. I’ll get Jisung to apologize, there's no need to worry,” she says lightly. Minho just nods while looking at the floor between his feet. Talking will make him burst into sobs and the last thing he needs to do is pile another thing onto his mother after his father’s death. “Is everything alright?” she asks again.

“Yes-” but as the words leave his mouth he bursts into heavy sobs. His mother holds him close.

“What is it sweetie, is he bothering you? What’s wrong?” she says, patting his head and rubbing his back in soothing strokes. Minho doesn’t respond but just lets out heavier sobs that wrack his body, his mother’s arms still around him. They stay like that until Minho’s eyes are dry, and he has a headache from the sobbing. His mom gives him a quick kiss on the forehead and leaves to let Minho have time to himself. He rolls onto his bed as he hears his mother’s footsteps go down the stairs. Sooni, his cat, comes and lays beside him in bed. He hears his mother angrily talking on the phone downstairs as he pets Sooni, who is just a little cat oblivious to the whole situation.

“I wish I was like you,” Minho chuckles. “All you have to worry about is pets, sleep and treats, so simple…” he mutters to Sooni. He wishes he didn’t have to be gay. Worrying about other people's opinions of him for his sexuality. Who he makes friends with, and what they will think about him being gay. Will they think he’s predatory, not telling them his sexuality and wanting to get it on with them? Or a creep? This is why he hasn’t told anyone. It’s just easier if no one knows. Well, only Jisung knows, and who knows how long that will stay a secret? Minho rolls over, suffocating in his thoughts. Finally, the annoyance of his wet pants itching at him, he gets up and changes into sweats, something a little comfier. Taking his phone out of his pocket from his wet jeans, he notices a couple notifications from Hyunjin lighting up his screen. He swipes and unlocks his phone

He scrolls through the messages of Hyunjin screaming at him to pick up his phone and respond. Minho scoffs, Hyunjin is always over dramatic so he responds with a hasty ‘what?’. The little typing bubble pops up as Minho waits for Hyunjin’s response.

‘I FUKCING KISED SEUNGMIN’ Hyunjin responds. Minho’s eyes go wide and he sits there with his phone in his hands. ‘LIKE WHAT DO I DO AAAH’ ‘I LIKE HIM BUT AAA!!’ Minho starts typing a response and then deleting it. He tries again, then deletes it. Finally, he sends a message.

‘youre gay?’ Probably not the smartest thing for Minho to say to his new best friend, but it was all he could ask as the thought plagued his mind.

‘LEE MINHO- I KISSED A MAN AND YOURE ASKING IF IM GAY??!?’ ‘IDIOTIC’ Hyunjin responds quickly. Minho lays back in his bed and begins typing a response to his friend.

‘well idk!! i didnt know u liked guys- let alone seungmin lmaoo’ Minho responds in defence.

‘CMOnnn dont tell me youre homophobic’ ‘lmaoo?’ Hyunjin responds cautiously. Minho picks up on this. For the first time, he’s being seen as homophobic- not the other way around. He quickly types back to Hyunjin.

‘nonono, it’s just nice to know there’s someone else yknow?’ Minho regrets it as soon as he sends it, but it's too late to delete the reply as Hyunjin has already read it. ‘Im proud of u tho!!’ ‘you gotta tell me everything!!’

‘okokok call mE!!’ Hyunjin responds. Minho presses the call button and soon, the two are chatting away. They talk about Hyunjin’s crush on Seungmin and the two kick their feet like two stereotypical middle school girls gossiping over the phone in a teen rom-com. They talk about their experiences being gay and growing up. Over time the conversation turns over to why Minho never went to their current high school until now. Hyunjin listens patiently, asking questions here and there until finally, he speaks of something Minho has dreaded.

“Not sure if y’know but Jisung thinks you’re gay and stuff, and has been like spreading rumours kinda,” Hyunjin says cautiously. Minho lets out a sigh.

“Yep... he was sadly one of the first people to know,” Minho says, lying on his back, Sooni beside him purring.

“Oh, guessing you didn’t want him to know? He’s an asshole, so don't worry, no one takes what he says too seriously,” Hyunjin says, trying to reassure Minho.

“I know, but like… I don't know…” Minho doesn’t talk about how Jisung has continuously harassed him since finding out he was gay, or how he attacked him earlier that day. He doesn’t want Hyunjin to worry. They both sit in silence over the phone. Although the silence is broken by Minho’s mother calling him for dinner. Minho says he has to go and says good luck with things with Hyunjin and Seungmin, and that he wants to be kept updated on his new love life. The two laugh before they hang up.

Over the first couple days of the break, Minho spends his time playing games online with his school friends and busying himself with cooking with his mother. It was nice to be around his mom as they haven’t really ever gotten to spend time together as Minho was spending time with his friends often on days after school. The mother and son pair that day were baking a loaf for dessert that night, it was only a couple days until Christmas and they were on a cooking and baking frenzy. Just as the two put their loaf into the oven, the doorbell rang. His mother ran to get the door as Minho set the timer.

“Minho! Come here!” his mother called from the entryway. Minho didn't have any of his friends or family coming over so he was a bit confused as he went to the door. As the cold air came through into the house, he was met with Jisung looking down at his boots, hands in his winter coat pockets, obviously not wanting to be there. “I’m guessing your mother sent you over, Han?” Minho’s mother questioned.

“Yes, Ms. Lee. I’m- I’m here to say sorry,” says Jisung, still looking at his boots ashamed.

“C’mon in then,” Minho’s mother says, waving the boy in. All Minho can do is stand there leaning against the wall, not wanting Jisung to be in his house, but he’s also glad Jisung finally had a taste for being responsible for his own actions. Jisung sheds his coat and shoes before Minho’s mother led them into the living room for the two kids to talk. She finally left the two boys alone in the living room, standing awkwardly facing each other.

“Okay, you know I don’t want to be here,” Jisung laughs, trying to break the tension as his hand rubs the back of his neck. Minho just stands there with his arms crossed angrily, staring at the other boy for a minute.

“Say it,” Minho says. He just wants this to be over. Both of them don’t want to be here.

“I’d like to apologize for harassing you and throwing snowballs and then dunking you in the snow. It was not very nice of me.” Jisung says in a monotone like he’s practiced this a million times. Although his ego is obviously deflated from saying it, even with the practice.

“And?” Minho says, annoyed, hoping Jisung would get the hint that throwing snowballs and dunking him in the snow isn’t what really pissed him off. What really kept him hiding and self-conscious for years. What ruined his relationship with everyone, what tore him up inside, what kept him up at night praying to God he wasn’t who he is. Instead, Jisung just stood there. “Whatever, you did what your mommy told you, now get out,” Minho says harshly. He was sick of this kid.

“C’mon Minho- not even a thanks? I said sorry!” Jisung retaliates as Minho motions him to the door.

“No, I don’t accept your apology. Get out,” anger boils inside Minho. He tosses Jisung’s jacket at him and pushes him towards the doorway. Jisung looks dejected and confused but lets Minho drag him toward the entryway. “Don’t you dare come by here again,” Minho states. The second Jisung has his boots on and his jacket in his hands, Minho slams the door in his face. He takes a deep breath before locking it. He didn’t need to deal with Jisung’s shitty apology.

“Minho?” his mother asks, coming out of the kitchen. “Is everything all right?”

“Yes,” he lies.

–

The days are getting closer to Christmas. He finally got out to get his mom a couple gifts along with setting up the Christmas tree finally. They were always later than others putting up the tree. His mom says it keeps pine needles from getting all over the house, but Minho doesn’t really care. As long as he was with his mother it was all that mattered. He also got to hang out with Hyunjin and Seungmin, it seems the two were closer now, sneaking kisses when they thought Minho wasn’t looking, but he felt happy for them. They felt comfortable being who they were together. Sadly Felix was visiting family but that didn’t stop them from video calling him in the middle of the night and playing video games together, even if it was extremely laggy. They still all enjoyed each other's presence.

Christmas eve finally came. Minho and his mother had spent the day baking pumpkin pie, loaves and cookies for the next day when his Mother’s friends came over for a Christmas dinner together. The house smelled sweet and cozy as Minho tucked himself into bed.

The next morning he woke up to the smell of bacon being made downstairs. His mother always made it for him and his father on special occasions. He rushed down the stairs and before swinging into the kitchen he saw all the presents by the tree. His mother knew he knew Santa wasn’t real, but that didn’t stop her from labelling presents from Santa to him. Finally heading into the kitchen his mother gave him a big hug as she served chocolate chip pancakes, bacon and fruit onto two plates. The two ate happily, guessing what the other got for them. They then cleaned up and headed to the tree.

Minho tells her to open the gifts he got for her. She opens the gifts to reveal scented candles, a new necklace, as well as a new dish set she had mentioned in passing. She thanked him and gave him a big hug.

“I’d like you to open this one first,” his mother asks. He takes it from her and unwraps it to reveal a large rainbow flag staring back at him. “I think it will go well on your wall, or we can hang it up outside when it gets warmer instead if you’d like?” Minho doesn’t say anything and gives her a big hug. They haven’t talked much about Minho’s sexuality as he always tried to brush it off, but his mother wouldn’t stop being supportive of him, although he didn’t mind.

He tore through the other presents from her and gift cards from family, but the flag meant most to him from his mother.

The two cleaned up. Minho put his presents in his room as well as getting his mom to help him put up the pride flag for him. Afterwards, he got ready to visit Hyunjin briefly. The group said they wouldn’t do gifts but Hyunjin demanded he at least get something for them all.

When Minho arrived with a couple slices of a loaf in a container he was greeted by Seungmin and saw Hyunjin chatting in the back on a video call with someone. Minho rushed in and the trio sat around in a circle, passing the phone around, each getting a chance to talk to Felix. Finally, Hyunjin reveals the presents for the group. Felix as well opens his on facetime as Hyunjin sent it with him.

“Okay, okay, ready?!” Hyunjin says excitedly. “3… 2… 1!” The trio rips open the presents as Hyunjin watches, revealing matching bracelets for all of them in rainbow thread. “I hope you like them! It took a while to do but I figured it would be nice to have them,” Hyunjin says happily.

“Thank you, Jinnie!!” Minho happily responds by tying his bracelet around his wrist without a second thought. Hyunjin and Seungmin help each other tie the bracelets on and Felix puts his on as well. The group says their goodbyes after the quick meet-up and tells them to enjoy the loaf. Minho heads back home.

He walks into his home to be greeted with multiple voices from the kitchen and many pairs of shoes cluttering the entryway. Seems his mother’s friends had come over already while he was gone for the short while. Shedding his coat and boots he heads to the kitchen to greet the guests, only to be taken aback when he notices Jisung standing there eating the appetizers he and his mom had prepared the day before. He was the last person Minho wanted to see on this day and he didn’t want Jisung to ruin it for him. Instead, Minho shoots a glare at him making sure Jisung knows his place in his house and then decides to make small talk with his mother’s friends, even if he barely knows them. Anything was better than being stuck with Jisung.

After cycling through conversations with all of his mother’s friends and some of their kids, she says he was allowed to go upstairs. Exhausted and just wanting to have dinner soon, Minho pulls out his Switch and plays a couple rounds of Mario Kart by himself. He hears steps coming upstairs from behind his door, but he ignores it; probably just someone trying to find the bathroom. Until his door is knocked on, and Jisung opens it.

“What ar-” Jisung starts, but Minho cuts him off.

“Get out,” Minho states rudely while pausing his game.

“C’mon dude-”

“I don’t wanna hear it,” Minho snaps. He’s suddenly conscious of his pride flag hung up over his bed and the new rainbow bracelet Hyunjin had made for him. He pulls his sleeve over the bracelet and tries his best to hope Jisung won’t notice the blaring gay sign on his wall. Jisung just looks at it, not really paying it any mind, which surprises Minho. So Minho just decides to ignore him and continue his game. If he wasn’t going to be harassed by Jisung, it was just best to pretend he wasn’t there. So Minho just decided to continue his game, pretending Jisung wasn’t standing at his doorway looking dejected and looking around his room.

Finishing his game, coming first against a pile of bots, Jisung breaks the tense silence in Minho’s room.

“Can I play?” Jisung asks shyly.

“No, why?” Mingo sharply responds. He doesn’t want to share his game, especially after the hell Jisung has put him through the past couple of years, but he can’t help feeling bad, along with the threat that Jisung would likely complain to his parents and then Minho would be stuck with him anyways. Jisung then sits beside Minho as he starts a new round by himself. Jisung just silently watches Minho play and continuously getting hit by red shells.

“You have to do it where you just slow down so you don’t get hit,” says Jisung, breaking the silence between the two kids.

“Okay,” says Minho, not really wanting to take Jisungs advice, but when the next red shell appears behind him, Minho silently does what the other recommended, and it luckily works.

“See!” exclaims Jisung. Minho just lets out a noise of acknowledgement to the other. “Can I play now?” asks Jisung. Minho just looks at the guy and hands the other the switch remote into his hands not wanting him to complain to the parents. Even if they were in high school now, they were both petty teenagers and suckers for video games. So they played in silence with only the sounds of chatter from downstairs and music from the game.

“Dinner!” yells Minho’s mom from downstairs. Minho switches off the game with the two heading down the stairs.

“Thank you for letting me play,” says Jisung. Minho doesn’t sense any malice in his voice.

“No problem,” he responds shortly.

The families sit around the crowded dinner table, passing bowls and platters of Christmas food around. The mood is relaxed and joyful as people catch up with each other. The sky outside darkens as Minho and his mother finally pass out desserts they’ve made over the past couple of days to guests. They shower them with compliments about how good the sweets are and Minho is glad to see someone appreciates his and his mother’s work. Finally, his mother’s friends and their families file out of their house just before midnight to return to their homes. After cleaning, Minho heads to bed exhausted without a second thought.

Over the rest of the winter break, Minho spends time with his friends playing games and having fun in the snowy weather. Felix had also returned from visiting his family in Australia so the whole group got to have fun hanging out together. Minho also finally opened up more about his experience at the catholic school, along with his relationship with his father and Jisung. The friends were understanding and sympathetic, which was more than what Minho could ask for. They were some of the best friends he’s ever had.

The winter break finally comes to an end and Minho is excited to go back to school to work on his dance practice with Hyunjin as well as chatting with friends in class. He missed it, unlike most people he found. He also talked to his mother about possibly becoming a tutor for other students in his grade for language, as with his catholic school, he was ahead and didn’t have to take it this year. Minho could get community hours as well as spare cash, which was always a nice extra bonus.

Walking down the slippery halls caked with half-melted snow, he walked into his math class, to see Jisung sitting beside his seat. The two make eye contact as Minho takes Jisung’s old seat at the back of the class. He doesn’t want to bother with him and the Mario Kart game over the winter break was just a silent truce, he thought. But with Jisung sees Minho sitting at the back of the class, he walks over and takes the empty seat beside Minho. Other kids start filing into the class, and at this point, it’s too late to switch spots without it being awkward, so Minho is stuck there beside his enemy.

“What is it?” Minho says harshly.

“I want to talk to you,” Jisung says cautiously.

“Why,” Minho doesn’t have the patience for him and just wants to get through this class in peace.

“Well… because I want to apologize,” he says, his ego hurt just from saying it, but there's sincerity in his voice, so Minho swivels to face him, curious about what he’s going to say.

“For throwing snow at me? You already did that. You can leave me alone,” Minho says bluntly.

“C’mon bro, you know why.”

“I’m not your bro, you’ve harassed me for the past what? Three years? Do you really think your shitty apology is gonna mean something to me?” Minho spits at him. Minho is rarely this angry but he can’t believe it; after all this time, Jisung suddenly understands what he did was wrong. Unless this is just all some big prank, that would be worse.

The bell rings and the chattering of the class stops, but that doesn’t stop Jisung from trying to talk to Minho.

“No, but I just want to say I realize what I did was wrong and rude of me,” Jisung whisper yells to Minho.

“Did you suddenly feel bad after I let you play on my switch?” Minho responds snarkily before turning towards the front of the class, hoping Jisung gets the memo he’s done with this conversation.

“Boys, are you done talking back there?” the teacher says, interrupting before Jisung can respond. “I understand you want to catch up with friends after the break but you can do that after my class time.” Minho leans back in his chair; at least this teacher will get Jisung to shut up. Although the second the teacher’s back is turned to write on the board, Jisung opens his mouth to respond to Minho’s question.

“Minho, I’m sorry, honestly. This isn’t because of a dumb Mario Kart game. I’m sorry I swear!” Jisung speaks, a little louder than a whisper.

“I don’t want to hear i-” but before Minho can finish his response the teacher turns around to look at the two boys.

“Okay, boys, I’ve already given you guys a warning. We’re not even five minutes into class. I understand we just got back from the break but I don’t tolerate this in my class. I would like to see you both after school,” the teacher states to the two boys with an accusing tone. “Minho, I expected better from you. Jisung… yeah…” Minho slumps in his seat, but the comment about Jisung gives the class a light laugh. He was known for being the chatterbox of the class, and Minho simply didn’t want to have his name alongside his. Especially if they’re stuck getting a stern talk from the teacher after school. Minho has never gotten in trouble throughout his academic career so far, so Minho had another reason to be pissed at Jisung. He gave a glare to Jisung with an expression telling him to f-off. So they both sit in silence for the rest of the class.

The second the bell rings, Minho jumps from his seat to bolt out of the class to avoid Jisung. He needs to get to science to talk to Hyunjin about this whole fiasco before class starts. Sadly Hyunjin came in just as the bell rang, so he’ll have to talk to the group during lunch after this class.

The friend group gathers around their usual table for lunch as they unpack their meals from home. Minho fills them in about Jisung and the odd talk he had with him in his math class.

“Wait so, Jisung decided to be nice for once? Without it benefiting him?” Seungmin asks, suspicious of Jisung’s antics.

“I guess so? It was weird because his mom forced him to apologize for another thing he did but he obviously didn’t want to do it. This time he, like, he apologized on his own I think?” says Minho. The other boys are just as confused as Minho about this new Han Jisung.

“We could just be reading too far into it? Maybe he just feels bad?” Seungmin asks again.

“But why would he spend years harassing Minho for being gay, literally hate crime him, then decide to apologize like two weeks later. I think it’s weird,” Hyunjin says, dramatically crossing his arms. Seungmin nods agreeing with him.

“Maybe… I don’t know, like, maybe he realized he likes guys?” Felix offers. The friend group looks at him quizzically.

“C’mon Lix him?! I honestly think the best case scenario is that he realized what he did was wrong,” says Hyunjin exhaustedly. “And that’s if I’m being nice!” he adds. The group laughs at the last comment.

“Yeah, I don’t know. Thanks though guys. Hopefully the punishment after school isn’t too bad. Maybe just organizing and cleaning, I don't know.” Minho says, thanking his friends for their extra perspectives. They leave the conversation at that. Soon the bell rings and the group splits up for history and Hyunjin heads to his class.

The last bell of the day rings, signalling everyone to go home, but Minho is stuck heading to his morning class for punishment with Jisung.

Entering the class, Minho is met by the teacher and Jisung already there waiting for him. He puts his stuff down on a chair and heads to the teacher to get the scoop on what they need to do.

“Alright, you both know why you’re here, right?” the two boys nod yes in response. “Good, it’ll be easy with you guys helping organize the school’s schedules in alphabetical order for next semester next month.” Jisung lets out a groan but Minho stands there, taking all the information in. “The sheets are at the back on the long table, make sure they’re in alphabetical order just like I said. Today you’ll be working on your grade’s year then for the next couple days you’ll be doing the other grades. Okay?” the teacher says, gesturing to the table in the back with the piles of papers. The two boys nod. “If you have any questions just ask me. I’ll let you guys talk only if you make no mistakes alright?” The teacher finishes, and the two boys nod for the third time. They head off to the workstation. The two start sorting in silence, Minho tries to get a peek to see if he can find his own and his friends’ schedules to see if they have any of the same classes starting next month.

“I think this is yours?” says Jisung, finally breaking the silence between the two. Minho takes a peek and then snatches it out of Jisung’s hands the second he sees his name on it. He reads through his classes. Gym, dance, spare (not taking English because of being ahead) and geography. Jisung peeks over his shoulder to see his classes but Minho doesn’t notice. He tucks his schedule into the correct pile and the two begin silently sorting again. Minho sadly doesn’t come across any of his friends’ schedules while sorting and he doesn’t want to bother talking to Jisung at all so he remains quiet. Finally, after an hour of painful sorting and piling, the two finished their work and take the stack of hundreds of papers to their teacher.

“Just leave the stack on the desk there and I’ll see you two boys in class tomorrow as well as after school as well. Thank you,” the teacher says, motioning to the desk. Minho and Jisung put the stack on the desk and silently put their winter coats and hats on before leaving the school.

A couple blocks from their street, Jisung breaks the silence they’ve maintained, “Can I talk to you?” he asks. Minho turns to look at him, stopping in his tracks.

“Whatever it is, I don't accept your apology,” Minho states sternly. Jisung returns his comment with a blank stare before opening his mouth.

“I know but at least let me talk.”

Minho turns around and responds without too much care in his voice, “sure.” He begins to walk back down the street, just wanting to get home. That is when Jisung opens his mouth and begins to ramble.

“Okay, I’ll be honest I’ve realized over the past winter break that the things I’ve been saying is really fucked up and I know you don’t want to accept my apology. Which is fair and all but I kinda just wanna explain why and stuff,” Jisung starts, but Minho has tuned him out as they walk down the street. After a couple minutes and the two finally turn onto their snowy street, something Jisung says stops Minho in his tracks.

“...like my cousin, like, killed himself over the break because he was gay and stuff… he was basically my brother to me. And I just wanna say that’s like fucked up- to be hurting like that because of your sexuality and even if we’re barely friends I don’t want that to happen to anyone else y’know?” Jisung says, finally stopping his ramble. Minho just stops and looks at Jisung, with tears stinging his eyes.

“Are you just apologizing because you don’t want the guilt of my suicide on your hands? Or is this because you said something to your cousin and you think this is making up for it?” Minho spits out. Jisung’s face drops at the accusation.

“No- that’s not it at all-,” Jisung says defensively, but before Minho can hear his response he’s already turned on his heel and heading to his house. Jisung doesn’t bother to chase after him, which he’s thankful for.

Opening his front door he notices his mom isn’t home yet, so he decides to angrily make a hot chocolate to fight off the cold that’s settled in him. Heading to his room with his hot chocolate, he checks his phone as he sits at his desk. He notices a text from Hyunjin pop up on his screen.

‘Jisung wants to talk to u’ it reads. ‘ik we both hate him but he seems desperate..’ Hyunjin follows up. Minho sighs before opening up Instagram to see. Minho’s social media is modest compared to others, mainly portraying pictures of his cat Sooni and the occasional picture of himself when he feels good-looking that day. He taps on a tab to see that Jisung has requested to follow him. He accepts the request with regret knowing this was a bad idea already. Although within the minute he accepted his request, a message from Jisung popped up at the top of the app.

‘I didnt mean it like that’ Jisung messages. Minho watches as the three dots bubble up to show Jisung is typing again. ‘im genuinely sorry :(‘ Jisung sends. Minho can’t help but laugh at the sad face at the end of the sentence. It feels over the top for an apology from Jisung. The typing dots come up again but they stop and nothing is sent from Jisung. Minho responds with an ‘ok’. Jisung reads it but doesn’t respond. Maybe he’s given up on hollow apologies, but Minho is doubtful. The guy is annoying as hell.

The next day the two boys organize papers for their punishment after school once more in silence. Afterwards, they both walk home with Jisung lagging behind. This silent routine between the two boys continued until the end of the week when their punishment was over.

The month passes by slowly. Tests and assignments for the end of the semester are piling up and the friend group is actually forced to study for the semester finals instead of playing video games and chatting. Minho studies despite not really needing to; he’s been ace-ing all his classes and finally decides to take up his mother’s idea of tutoring.

“Lee Minho,” he says to the guidance counsellor who is taking in volunteers for the tutoring.

“Ok, math, science and English for helping out?” the counsellor says.

“Yep.”

“You’ll be receiving an email later this evening about what subjects and who you’ll be tutoring. Thank you.”

“Thanks,” Minho says while leaving the office to head home.

At home Minho just flops on his bed, scrolling through his phone; he replies to friends complaining about the ongoing school work and studying for exams. Until he realizes he’s had multiple unread messages from Jisung, but he decides to ignore them, choosing instead to scroll through an hour of cat videos until he gets a notification from his school email. It’s a response from the counsellor, to see who he is tutoring.

It’s Jisung... for all three subjects.

–

The next morning Minho storms into the building, making a bolt to the counsellor’s office. Walking in, Jisung is already there.

“Ma’am, I want to switch who I’m tutoring,” butts in Minho.

“Boys!” she says, huffing. “I understand you both don’t want to pair up, but Jisung needs this help and Minho, your grades are at the top. You will both benefit.” Jisung and Minho both sigh at the reality.

“But, please, I’ll do anything to switch,” Minho complains.

“Please, Miss,” Jisung adds.

“I said what I said. You two will be working in the library after school. It’s time to go to your classes please.”

Minho and Jisung both sulk, walking out from the counsellor's office to their math class for the morning. The two choose to sit in their regular spots, far away from each other.

–

At lunch, Minho complains about the predicament of being paired with Jisung for tutoring.

“I swear, why the fuck am I paired with him-” Minho groans

“Dude, you just have bad luck,” chuckles Felix.

“I don’t know but I do think if something does happen, you should unpair and stuff,” suggests Seungmin.

“I think Jisung is just trying to be nice again,” Hyunjin also suggests.

“He’s been harassing Minho for years, though,” Seungmin reminds them. “I do think you should give Jisung a chance but I get what Minho is saying.”

“I just hate it here,” huffs Minho. “It’s no use trying to argue with a teacher anymore. After I get my hours, I’m dropping this whole tutoring thing.”

“That’s, like, forty hours, though?” Felix says.

“Once the forty hours is over though, I won’t have to deal with him then.”

“What about classes in other years?,” says Seungmin, slightly worried.

“I’ll just sit somewhere far from him so we don’t have to bother each other than,” sighs Minho. At that, the conversation is over, but the air is still thick from the conversation. His friends can’t help but feel bad for him. For the rest of the day, Minho tries to pay attention in class instead of his looming fate of tutoring Jisung later that day.

The bell rings and Minho slowly collects his items and bag from his locker, trying to extend his time from tutoring Jisung, but eventually, he dragged his feet to the library. Jisung was already chatting with the guidance counsellor, signing him in. Minho walked over to say hi before the two made their way to the back to a table.

“Okay, what do you need to do?” Minho asks.

“Everything,” says Jisung leaning back in his chair, his arms folded over his chest. Minho just sighs, exhausted already.

“Okay… what are you doing the worst in right now?” Minho says. Jisung takes a moment to think before answering.

“Math.”

“Alright, where’s your math stuff?” Minho says with a hint of anger in his voice. Jisung ruffles through his bag to pull out his notebook, textbook and his past tests and quizzes. Minho goes through his notes reluctantly to see doodles in the margins and messy handwriting.

“I just want-”

“Please don’t talk,” Minho says, glaring at Jisung over the crumpled sheets of paper. Jisung turns his head away in shame and does not talk unless Minho asks him a question about his work or asks if he understands, to which Jisung just responds with a nod.

To Minho, the tutoring sessions feel like hours of torture even tho they were only an hour in the too-warm library, but he sucks it up. It was only a month until the next semester anyways.

–

The exam season is wrapping up, and currently, the last days of class before the students are barricaded in their classrooms for exams the next week, and everyone was cramming for the final push.

The tutoring sessions have been moved to Jisung’s house at his mother’s request, at first Minho hated it, but it was better than being seen with him helping the kid who harassed him his entire life. Although to be fair, the two boys have managed to have a casual conversation between them, such as Minho talking about his cat, and finding out Jisung has recently taken a liking to playing the guitar which he stores on a stand near his bed. Along with brief friendly conversations during class, and it was nothing more than that.

Today the two were going over their last science practice test before the exam. Their shoulders bump as the two boys hunch over the sheet to do the work together. Minho gets out his pencil and begins to show Jisung how to approach the question for when something similar appears on the exam.

“Make sure you drag this one ov-'' but before Minho can finish, Jisung’s lips have brushed across his. Minho slightly leans into the sudden warmth between the two, but he pulls back just as fast as it had happened.

“Sorry,” Jisung says quickly, his face and neck going red. “I should’ve aske-” Minho quickly stands up from the desk, his chair screeching behind him before Jisung can finish his sentence.

“What the fuck was that for,” Minho says sternly. His ears are red from embarrassment and anger. Jisung tries to talk again but Minho speaks over him. “Why…” he says, voice cracking. He scoops his stuff from the desk and shoves it in his bag before Jisung can see the tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. He runs across the street back home as tears fall from his eyes.

In his bedroom, he can’t help but sob into his pillow. What did he do to deserve this shitty fate? Why him. Why fucking him.

The next day Minho is glad he doesn’t have school as it’s the weekend before exams.

Despite making plans originally to meet up, Minho doesn’t go over to Jisung’s to help him study. He’s the last thing he wants on his mind at the moment. Instead, he sulks in his room on his phone, scrolling through countless cat videos as rain pounds against the roof of the house. He doesn’t want to bother his friends by complaining about Jisung; if anything, Minho is too embarrassed to. Although his silence and peace are broken by his mother calling from downstairs for him.

“Sweetie! Jisung is here for you at the door!”

“For fucks sake,” Minho mutters; he didn’t even hear the doorbell go off. So he sulks down the stairs to the front door.

“Come to the park with me,” Jisung says blankly, not looking at Minho. His rain jacket covers his face so Minho can’t read the other’s expression.

Minho waits a second before responding. “Okay.” So he puts his shoes and jacket on before locking the door behind him.

The two walk silently with a foot of physical space between them and a mound of tension between them. The rain pounds against the hoods of both of their jackets. Minho stops at the curb of the park and Jisung stops three feet ahead, wanting to keep the distance between the two.

“Sorry…” Jisung says, head down.

“Don’t fucking say sorry,” Minho bites back. He turns his back to Jisung as he holds his own face in his hands. All he wants to do is fucking scream and break shit. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong in his life. His father disowning him for his sexuality. Betrayed by a friend. His father dying and then was ripped away from his safe space. Now he’s stuck with an even bigger betrayal from the same person as before.

“Minho, please just let me explain,” Jisung begs.

“Please just shut the fuck up!” Minho screams. Jisung just stands there, his face scrunched up, tears streaming down his face.

“Am I some sort of sick fucking joke to you?” Minho starts, fury in his eyes. He feels his body heat up in anger. “What have I even done to you to deserve this?!” Jisung just looks at him with a sorry look in his eyes. Minho goes on and Jisung doesn’t dare interrupt the other as he rages on. “You fucking harass me all my fucking life and suddenly you think you’re fucking entitled to kiss me like I’m just another thing to you!” There are tears bursting from the corner of Minho’s eyes. His ears are red and all he wants to do is just disappear from the world and just hope this dumb kiss was just some sort of nightmare. Jisung just looks down at his feet in shame. “I fucking hate you you know that! I hate you so fucking much!”

Minho storms off, but that doesn’t stop him from giving Jisung a firm shove so he falls into a puddle beside him, scraping his knees and hands on the concrete. He doesn’t look at Minho as he walks away. He doesn’t see Minho look back in the rain teary-eyed as Jisung gets soaked to the bone lying there. Jisung deserved it anyway. He strung this fate himself. It was only time before the consequences of his actions caught up to him.