Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The cold air bit at Leo's skin. It was harsh and unrelenting, akin to putting bare skin in snow, leaving warm tingles in its wake. Under its merciless ache, he sucked it into his lungs, letting the bite spread through his chest.

The air's assault on his lungs hurt, forcing his breathing to be slow and shaky. Every breath hollowed through his chest like it was his last. Breathing hurt, scratching at his insides.

The exhaustion and labored breathing made Leo feel like he finished running a marathon. This feeling was aided by the copper taste that glazed the inside of his mouth combined with a thick layer of sweat coating him. The overall pain was just a plus.

He desperately needed a moment to let his lungs relax. Looking at his surroundings he decided that a large rock sitting a foot or so from him was good to rest by. Painfully scooting back until his back was pressed against it, he let himself relax. It wasn't much, but it was the best this place has to offer.

As he rested, he stared off into the distance. Watching as debris floated across the void, small pieces of metal and rocks heading off to who knows where.

After a few minutes of resting, Leo still had that restless feeling that came with being high off of adrenaline. Energy rattled through his body, reminding him of why he was restless. Every part of him, every fiber, and every instinct was screaming at him to run until he physically couldn't anymore.

His mind urged him to run, just as he was before taking a break. Telling him to draw out the time between the, now routine, beatings. They were brutal, and both his mind and body agreed that another beating would be his very last.

His legs kept buzzing with energy and he found himself lowering his gaze to stare at them. Leo didn't notice the constant shake in them nor the way that they twitched involuntarily. His gaze on them was blank. His eyes practically staring past the torn legs to observe the rocks beneath.

Perhaps it was a good thing that he wasn't paying much attention to his legs, for acknowledging their battered state of them would have caused the pain to only double and for another pump of adrenaline to set itself into his bones.

He could barely feel the pain as is, or any feeling in his legs for that matter. It's hard to notice individual injuries when he was littered with them, plentiful like stars painting artful constellations on the sky of his body. The only pain he did feel was in his arm, throbbing softly from the socket of his shoulder.

A loud noise caught his attention, tearing his gaze away from his legs. The noise rang from behind him. Leo's eyes lost the glossed-over appearance that they previously held a moment ago. Now clear and alert. Fuck. It's found him.

He has to run. He has to find another place to rest until he's inevitably found once again. He tries to force his body into moving, running, or anything that would keep him from dying.

After a few endless moments of struggle, Leo finally got himself off the ground, now dragging his body in the opposite direction of where the sounds came from. He moved as fast as he could, which, admittedly, wasn't very fast due to the state he was in.

"You can't hide forever..."

Hearing the Krang's mocking voice caused him to nearly freeze where he was. It was much closer than he thought it was, though it sounded closer than it did a few moments ago. He's got to move faster.

He stumbled over some small rocks and pebbles as he continued running, his remaining strength fueled by an animal-like instinct. The wild fear kept him on his feet, numbing the pain, and only allowing the sole thought of survival.

The Krang said the same every time. That there was nowhere he could hide, not permanently at least. Yet Leo still hid whenever he could and still ran blindly every time he was found. It was a continuous cycle the two had developed. Like a morbid dance that was gracefully laced with mocking words and bloody cries.

His legs gradually began to feel heavier. The joints in his knees locking up with every bend. Adrenaline only did so much to numb the pain, but it, however, didn't do a thing for the condition of his legs. Their broken and mangled condition which wad now forcing them beyond their limit.

Refusing to cooperate, his legs gave out, resulting in Leo falling face-first. The solid ground slapped his face and the sting of the impact made another wave of fear quickly spread through his body.

He was dead meat, in every sense of the word. He needed to get up. If he didn't he'd be beaten, stabbed, taunted, and other horrendous things that made bile greet his throat at even thinking of the endless possibilities.

Another angry cry comes from behind Leo, sounding closer than the last despite all his running. The Krang had caught up to him, and the realization was beyond terrifying. His fingers gripped the rough ground uselessly, only scrapping up dust and dirt which stuck to his blood-sticky hands.

This was it. He couldn't take any more damage, his body was too broken down. This would be the heroic finale that he deserved. A prideful and honorable death for his previous sufferings at the hand of the Krang.

Leo accepted this as a fact. This was the end, he was going to die here by the very thing he hates most. He shouldn't be as content as he is with this fate.

He shut his eyes, a blatant display of resignation. Leo didn't care how brutal or horrific his death will be because he did it for his brothers, his friends, and his home. Nothing else mattered to him.

A bright smile came to him, an image of his younger brother. Cruel of his mind, to conjure up displays of his loved ones at his very last moments.

"It took you long enough..." Leo gasped brokenly, a wet chuckle escaping him as he said his last words to the Krang.

Giving them the last bit of satisfaction in knowing that they successfully managed to break him and shatter his resolve. It was almost to mock them in a way.

"Leo!"

His younger brother's voice came to his ears with a loud call of his name. He would have thought that it was a near-death hallucination if it wasn't accompanied by a yellow light. The light burned through his eyelids, painfully stabbing his eyes.

His eyes weren't used to light of any sort. The prison dimension didn't provide any light, having no sun or moon to light it. Only the occasional dull glow that came from trashed ships, their blue lights flicking on from time to time.

Leo's eyes shot open at the light, startled by it. He squinted and his eyes began to water at the brightness, barely able to make out what seemed to be his brothers through the blurry haze.

He stretched his arm out with enough force to dislocate it from his shoulder to try and grasp the light, to hold it in his hands. It was the arm that hurt more than anything else and any touch made it flare up in pain, so he would know when he got to hold the light.

He tried crawling towards it despite not knowing where it came from or if it was real. Only motivated by the idea that maybe, just maybe, his brothers were in the light and were waiting for him.

Warmth pressed around Leo's outstretched hand, encasing it in a firm hold.

Leo shut his eyes once more. The light was too much, burning his eyes and rendering them fuzzy uselessness. He trusted the warmth to keep holding him, to comfort him as his death grew near, to protect his fragile body.

The broken whispers of noise were the last thing he heard. Likely the Krang's furious yells.

A static-like pressure swiftly pressed into the bridge of his nose. The light that pressed through his eyelids began to flicker in and out, and Leo had the odd feeling that he was finally safe.

Chapter Text

Bouts of frantic voices slowly surrounded him, steadily growing in volume. In every direction came a different voice. Each person around him sounded on the edge of breaking, and le any moment one of them would burst into tears.

Their words were all blended, jumbling together into a mess of noise. It was hard to tell who the voices belonged to.

Leo's head was throbbing as he tried to tell what they were saying through the ringing in his ears. He couldn't focus on the voices. There was too much going on. The ringing, the variety of people talking all at once, it was more than he could handle.

Shifting his hand on the ground, the itchy concrete scrapped a thin spotted layer of skin off of his palm. He found that the ground wasn't coated in the dust like the ground that he had become accustomed to.

He couldn't tell where he was. He tried to open his eyes but they remained shut, exhaustion finally catching up with him. His eyes still stung from staring into the bright light after sitting in relative darkness for so long. Suddenly, furious cries and warm pain came to his senses, uncomfortably similar to the current ringing in his ears and the growing warmth in his hands.

It was over now, it had to be, otherwise, he'd be dead. Leo didn't know what death was like but it surely wasn't this. He wouldn't be in as much pain as he was in currently if he was dead, nor would he feel like opening his eyes would reveal it all as a dream.

Leo took a deep breath, trying to calm down whatever remaining adrenaline was still pumping in him. Instead of being graced with fresh air, a familiar smell assaulted his nose and his stomach churned at it.

"Ew! Are we on Staten Island?!" Leo blanched, scrunching his nose up. He was sure his face displayed nothing but disgust. Yet, he found himself smiling. It was the very thing that set his freedom in stone, a certificate of being alive. He began laughing, joy filling him. He was free! It felt like some fever dream, and his laughs felt more hysteric if anything.

Despite his blatant hysteria, the once frantic voices followed suit, breaking into laughter. Their laughter was broken by the occasional hiccup and tears streaming down their faces. They curled their arms around him, hugging him tightly as if they thought that he'd turn to dust if they let go. Leo feels like he might and he's sure that he looks like it too.

"I need to check his injuries," A flat voice announced, interrupting those who were hugging Leo. He immediately recognized the voice, it belonged to his twin, Donnie. "Help me get him into the tank, I can quickly assess him there while we head home."

Donnie's voice remained monotone and apathetic, seeming to only care about collecting data on Leo's health and patching him up. Leo knew otherwise though, he could hear the shaky edge to his twin's voice, how his words seemed to wobble just barely.

Leo cringed at how off Donnie sounded. He shouldn't be worried about him. He chose his fate. He chose to sacrifice himself. He submitted himself to the torture that the Krang rewarded him in the prison dimension. Besides, he was alive, was he not?

He couldn't understand why his twin would care so much.

Caught up in his thoughts, Leo didn't feel himself getting lifted into the tank, only wincing when his leg bumped into a wall.

It was something he needed to ask about, why his twin cared, yet he dreaded the idea of talking to anyone at the moment, at least about anything emotional.

Donnie came up to his side, taping away at the screen on his wrist and saying something that he couldn't make out. From Leo's perspective, it was a bunch of gibberish and big numbers. Deciding to distract himself from thinking about his twin, he began looking around.

Glancing around he saw April and Casey sitting in the corner, Mikey to his side opposite Donnie, and Raph in a more isolated area of the tank. His attention went to the claw-like cuts across Raph's face. They cut through the red bandana that was now loosely tied around his head and left exposed flesh underneath.

Leo remembered the tentacles and how they crawled over his brother, forcing him into a feral state, and controlling his every movement. Making Raph's hands wrap against his neck, squeezing the air out and leaving his mind hazy. The same thing beat the air out of him in the freezing darkness, tearing him to pieces.

It was his fault. If he wasn't so careless the key would've never been stolen, allowing the Krang to come. Because of him his brother got infected, his family got hurt, and people's homes got destroyed. People got killed because of him. Mikey almost died because of him.

"Leo?" Mikey called, putting one of his injured hands on his shoulder. "Hey, Leo? Are you alright?"

"What..." Leo blinked quickly, with the same vigor he would when his eyes grew dry. Why were his hands over his head? One on the crown of his head and the other resting on the hand-shaped bruise that painted his neck. When did he hunch over his knees? When did he stop breathing?

Mikey moved to sit in front of Leo, their face full of concern.

"Do you know what happened?" Mikey asked cautiously, probably being careful with his word choice for reasons that Leo couldn't guess, "Like, do you know what caused you to start freaking out?"

Leo slowly brought his hands from where they sat to just below his face to stare at the now clammy palms. Why did he freak out like that?

"I..." Leo started. His voice felt wrong to use, it hurt like he was puking needles. "I don't know"

The other didn't say anything, just nodding with a face deep in thought. Mikey probably didn't notice, but Leo caught sight of them picking at the glowing cracks on their arms, but he chose to stay quiet about it.

"Well, what's the last thing you remember doing?" Mikey asked. It was a good question. What was the last thing he was doing before...

Leo's eyes widened, hands clenching. He was looking at Raph. His face specifically. He was scared of Raph's face. Maybe not scared of Raph or his face directly, but it reminded him of the Krang, the beati-

Mikey cleared his throat. He didn't even notice that he was starting to space out again, or maybe even freaking out as Mikey put it.

”Right, uh..." Leo began, struggling to find his voice, let alone the words to use. "I was staring at um, Raph's... scar? and it reminded me of, y'know-"

His explanation was beyond vague, likely a ton of random words thrown together with little sense between them, yet his younger sibling nodded, seemingly getting the message.

Mikey didn't say anything else, instead holding his hand out to Leo as a silent question. When they received a nod they immediately hugged Leo, who found his eyes begin to water.

Chapter Text

Warm tears were rolling down Leo's face.
Each one landed on Mikey's shoulder as he pressed his face against them. He buried himself in it, searching for the warmth of his younger sibling.
 
They didn't seem to mind much, holding him tightly with caution to his wounds yet Leo couldn't help the acidic taste growing in his mouth, souring his mood quickly. 
 
Everyone was throwing away their comfort for his sake. Making effort to raise his mood, even if slightly. They were making personal sacrifices for his sake. 
 
So when Mikey's touch began leaving Leo with the overbearing urge to make himself as small as physically possible and left his stomach more and more queasy each second that Mikey continued to hold him, he bit his tongue and told himself to suck it up.
 
It wasn't about him. This was for Mikey. It'll make Mikey upset. He could afford the discomfort. He had to compensate for all the discomfort that others have put themselves through for him.  
It was hard to ignore the touch. It stood out, more than the ache and pain throughout him, consuming his thoughts.
 
He took a deep breath and lifted his head a bit, letting the air burn his throat which was accustomed to. His tears were now running down his face to his neck, rolling like how blood often would, but the tears were thinner.
 
Blood didn't leave a chill afterward unlike tears, it left a throbbing warmth instead. 
 
Well, it's the surrounding muscles that gave off that throbbing warmth. The inflamed wound affecting the whole area like a disease. But Leo couldn't care about the technicalities of it right now, too caught up in the thought of blood.
 
Mikey let go of Leo and pulled away, sitting down beside him where they were sitting before they got up to comfort their brother. 
 
Their eyes kept bouncing between Leo and their hands, looking lost at what to do from this point on. They bit their lip, hard enough that it would likely bruise.
 
Leo noticed the obvious discomfort in their sibling and his spit began to prick at his mouth as it silently screamed at him to do something about it. 
 
To avoid concerning others by attempting to cheer Mikey up he decided to do so in a way he would've before this whole situation. A joke.
 
"Don't look so grim!" Leo tried, forcing himself to smile and gave an artificial laugh with it, "It's not like I died-"
 
Mikey drew their lip further into his mouth, shutting their eyes as they stood up suddenly.
 
"You almost died!" Mikey cried, anger rising in their voice, showing in its surprising volume, "You were almost gone!"
 
"What if I couldn't get you out? You were prepared to die..." They sniffled, their voice beginning to shake as tears were now pricking their eyes. "Besides, we don't even know if you'll make it now-"
 
Leo's smile fell, his mouth settling in a tight frown. He curled into himself, perhaps in some instinctual way of comforting himself. 
 
Of course, he managed to screw up again. It's all he seems to be good at. Making mistakes time after time, never once doing something without fault.
 
Leo didn't know what to say to Mikey. No words came to him and he knew that his voice wouldn't comply if he attempted to say something. 
 
Mikey was right. He didn't plan on coming out alive. Leo knew what would happen to him when he chose to isolate himself with the Krang. There was no possibility of surviving.
 
 He managed to draw out his impending death. He was lucky that Mikey managed to save him at the moment he did, otherwise he would've died. If being saved could even be considered lucky. He knew well enough that staying alive would be worse than death, yet he deserves that torture for all his screw-ups.
 
Because it wasn't about him. It was his job. His role as the leader. Leo couldn't be selfish, he couldn't let his feelings or mortality get in the way of doing the right thing.
 
And if that meant that he would die for the sake of everyone, he would do it without hesitation. He has done it before and he doesn't regret it in the slightest.
 
Yet guilt crept into him when he saw his sibling's tears, the tears coming out in small bursts as they choked back the sobs that were building up.
 
He caused this. His selfish desire to be worth something ended up making his family miserable.
 
Leo looked away, trying to avoid any stares from everyone who had likely witnessed both his and Mikey's outbursts. Shame was all he felt. It held him tight, overtaking any other emotion.
 
"Mikey, could you step to the side," Donnie asked, though it was more of an instruction, turning off the screen on his wrist and quickly jotting something down, "I need Leo to remain calm while we carry him into the lair, plus we need to bandage your hands as well."
 
Donnie glanced between the two, taking note of details like Mikey picking at their now glowing hands and Leo's overall appearance, which was a lot to take in, but he could spend more time on it later.
 
"You're hands are glowing, if you haven't noticed." Donnie pointed out after looking the two of them over quickly, allowing Mikey to notice his observation. 
 
Donnie then raised his hand, jabbing his index finger (if turtles even have them) towards Mikey with a pointed look, "Your mystic energy has yet to hit stable levels, so you need to avoid anything that'll cause intense emotions."
 
Mikey looked down at Donnie's words, a wave of guilt hitting him almost immediately. Nodding solemnly, they walked over to where April and Casey sat without a word. 
 
Good job Leo bitterly thought to himself as he scowled internally. Gripped his exposed palms tightly, he ignored the blood that rubbed onto his fingers, letting the others lift him.

Chapter Text

Leo's vision was hazy, everything rendered in blurred color. The colors were constantly moving, shifting into different shades and hues. He found himself watching them, absorbed in watching the colors fly and dance in front of his eyes.

It felt surreal, and if not for the dull pain Leo felt, he's sure that he would've believed that it was a dream. He would prefer it if it was a dream. Avoiding reality is a luxury he wishes to have despite not deserving it.

It was only the colors, the various points of pressure on his body, and the stickiness of his hands. His fingertips and palms were cold, trying to stick together every time he clenched and unclenched his hands. 

He wondered what it was. Only have a thought though as the colors disappeared from his vision, only a moment later flooding it with blinding white.

Leo squinted, wincing at the brightness. One of the points of pressure on him squeezed lightly. It calmed him for reasons he couldn't yet grasp at the moment, mind too hazed.

"Leo?"

Who was that? Why were they calling him?

He tried to open his mouth to ask but his jaw did no more than twitch, uncompliant to his attempt. Of course, he thought to himself as he tried to focus his vision, my body is being stupid right now.

Opening his eyes a little, something that was significantly easier than opening his mouth, he saw the white blur shift into a textured surface. Stone, he assumes. The surface was familiar. From where?

The medbay? Why would he be in the medbay? He knew better than to try talking again, instead opting to look down. Doing so the sight of Donnie, Casey, and April greeted him. The three of them were scattered around the room.

Donnie was saying something, likely to Casey as the said boy was nodding and occasionally saying something too. Leo couldn't tell what Donnie was doing however and he was too tired to try and figure it out.

Moving his gaze over to April he saw her pulling some things out of the upper cabinets that hung on the wall left to him. She was pulling out various items before moving to some drawers below the counter where she stood.

He couldn't tell what most of the items were, though he thinks that he saw a few rolls of gauze and some bottles.

"Master Donatello, he's lucid!" Casey called Donnie who was still working on something. 

"Check his eyes with a flashlight to be sure," Donnie said, not looking up from what he was working on and lifting his arm, loosely gesturing to Leo's direction, "Eye movement isn't a guaranteed sign of being lucid, he could still be cognizant."

Casey nodded fast enough that Leo wouldn't be surprised if his head fell off and rushed to his side with a small flashlight that couldn't have been any larger than the boy's index finger.

Gently he placed two fingers on the lids of Leo's eyes and pressed firmly, just enough to ensure that they wouldn't shut yet leave his eyes unharmed.

Using his other hand, he flicked the flashlight on, keeping his thumb on the power button placed on the end as he moved it towards the eye he held open.

"I'm sorry Sensei, this might hurt" Casey whispered, more to reassure himself than Leo. 

A second later, Leo's vision went white again, this time from the flashlight. Unable to shut his eye due to the fingers holding it open his eyes began to water, growing glossy from the excess liquid.

It was familiar. The longer he saw the light, the more yellow it grew. 

The bright yellow light. It was gold to him, for it brought him more warmth than he could imagine. A warmth that pierced the awful cold that gnawed at him.

Leo became aware of a beeping noise, which was steadily growing in pace. Was it there the whole time? The stickiness in his hands.

Suddenly the light vanished, the blurry white ceiling coming back to him, slowly becoming less fuzzy as Casey wiped his eye carefully.

"He's lucid," Casey told Donnie again, giving him the confirmation he requested, "For real this time."

Donnie hummed, looking up with time and meeting the boy's gaze before moving his attention over to Leo. Slowly walking over to his side, Donnie looked at him.

Leo tried to pull the corners of his mouth up, ignoring the ache as he did so. He didn't know if it got across, or if he even smiled, but he knew that he did move at the very least at Donnie gave a small wave in acknowledgment.

"Welcome back, Leon" Donnie greeted, flipping on his wrist's screen and tapping around a bit before returning his attention to his brother, "Would you like me to list your injuries? Since you're the medic and all."

Leo noticed that the beeping wasn't as fast as it was before as silence filled the room, stretching on as he stared into his brother's eyes. 

Donnie's brows furrowed slightly, a slight frown stretching across his face as the realization fell on him.

"Right, right. You can't exactly respond right now can you," His twin muttered, "Just blink twice for yes and thrice for no, got it?"

Leo blinked twice. It was a little amusing. If he could laugh he would've. Teasing his brother to distract him and to allow him to remain ignorant.

He didn't want to know all the details of his beaten state. Thinking about his injuries made shivers run through his body. He already knew that the list was long, perhaps long enough to rival Santa's naughty and nice list. 

Donnie clears his throat, breaking through his thoughts and forcefully reeling him back to reality.

"You have multiple broken and fractured ribs, full body bruising, internal bleeding, multiple skull fractures, the left shin broken, and the left knee is nearly shattered," Donnie listed off, taking a breath before continuing to list the injuries.

The list seemed to last forever when spoken aloud, letting the weight of it hit him all at once.

"Your right leg has various small fractures, the left shoulder was dislocated, the bones in said shoulder are shattered, and the muscles in your shoulder are severely torn." Donnie finished with a grimace.

He recalled the sickening look of the shoulder and the pops and tears that filled the room when pulling it into place. The damage in his shoulder wasn't completely assessed at the time and everyone believed it to just be dislocated.

Taking a seat, Donnie took a deep breath before turning his wrist screen off. Pinching the bridge of his nose he looked back to Leo with a conflicted look on his face. Something rare for him.

"Your shoulder has a slim chance of being usable, even with high-grade treatment" Donnie continued, moving his head up a bit. He seemed hesitant to speak as if the words that he uttered weren't bad enough.

"We'll have to amputate it."

Leo couldn't believe what he was hearing. His shoulder had no chance of healing, and his arm as well by extension. He knew why, as the medic. There would be no reason to keep his arm if his shoulder couldn't heal. Since almost all of the muscles were severely torn and the bones were shattered.

It was his payment. This is the price he has to pay for burdening everyone. For not taking things seriously. For causing the invasion. He could never pay back the debt. 

Yet, he finds that in his shock, and likely from another shot of adrenaline, he finally managed to open his mouth.

"What?"

Chapter Text

"What?" Leo asked. His voice was weak and barely audible, yet Donnie could hear the emotion riddled in it. The sliver of hope. Silently begging for it to be some practical joke.

Donnie hated to be the one telling this to his brother. He hated that his brother had to be told this at all. He couldn't imagine how Leo felt knowing that he'll have to live without his arm. His whole life would change more than it already has but permanently this time.

Leo wouldn't be able to wield his swords. He wouldn't be able to multitask on anything that required hands. He'd be unable to train as well, which is something that Donnie knew Leo would want to do after everything that's happened.

"Well, um, if it makes you feel better," Donnie began, ignoring the question. It was barely a question and they both knew it. "You'll be unable to have the... surgery" Leo visibly cringes at the word choice, "...until you have healed the rest of your injuries a bit. About a month should be enough." 

A month... He knew that it would feel longer, significantly so. The time would stretch on, every second melting into an hour, each day a year.

Having the knowledge that his arm is going to be removed during that month, just sitting idle and waiting for the day to come with a dreadful weight pooling in his stomach.

Donnie stood up without bothering to clean up what he was doing. He walked over to the wall by Leo's right and tapped on Casey's shoulder, pointing to something away from the two. Casey jumped at the sudden touch before nodding and going to retrieve whatever it was he was shown, not saying a thing.

Until this point, Casey had been relaying something to April, who was taking count of the lair's medbay storage and occasionally exchanging a word or two of her own. Leo wondered what they were talking about, it must be important for Casey to speak so much.

He didn't have long to think of any potential things that they could be talking about as Casey was now walking over to him, his barely audible footsteps being the only sound in the room. In his hands were some papers, clenched gently in between battle-hardened fingers. 

Leo's eyes followed the boy as he sat down on the right side of his bed. Casey briefly glanced over the papers he held.

The papers were smooth, with a straight-out-of-the-store type of newness to them. The only indication that they weren't freshly opened was a small silver staple decorating the corner, pinching the papers together, and slight indents on the back of the papers from being carefully written on.

"Sensei, we've come up with a 'Recovery Plan' for both after the surgery and now," Casey informed him, his thumb lifting the bottom corner of the first page. "It's just a schedule for check-ups, medication, etcetera."

He flips the papers over, showing him the second page. On it was a timetable. It had a column for each day of the week, each column divided into five rows. 

Looking over the table for a few minutes, letting the table burn into his brain, trying to memorize the schedule vaguely. 

Like how every day at eight in the morning he had to take the prescribed meds and every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday he had to do some light exercise after the surgery since he would be healed enough to do a little.

It wasn't too active unlike what he thought it would be. He's surprised that Raph and Donnie didn't try to put ten thousand things on it and claim that they wanted to ensure he was doing okay.

As if. It was ridiculous to think that those two would care so much for him despite how often they said so, well, Raph did at the very least. 

Leo could tell that it was just an excuse to micromanage his life to cope with their own problems and such.

Not that he cared. It made him useful for something.

"Is there any issues you have with the schedule?" Casey asked, bringing the papers back to his chest and flipping the first page back onto the second one. "Or questions-"

"Nope." Leo muttered, unable to raise his voice any more than a whisper. 

The scratch at his throat became apparent as he spoke, clawing its way through his mouth and draining it dry.

"Water..."

"Water? Oh!" Casey said to himself before scrambling out of the room to find some water for him.

Leo smiled bitterly. Some people never changed, did they?

Chapter Text

Leo wonders how many days it's been since the invasion. He couldn't tell. Every day was the same mind-numbing routine. Confined to the medbay with nothing to do when others weren't visiting.

The days were blurred together and it felt like a dream. Some days he couldn't even tell if he was awake or not, sleeping as often as he wasn't. 

It was unusual for him to sleep so much. Usually, Leo only got about four hours or less of sleep on average. Sleeping all the time has left him dead on his feet if he were able to stand.

He's now become well acquainted with the room, all the details engraved into his memory. From which cabinets creak down to the exact amount of gray tiles lining the floor, things that he hadn't noticed before when he only spent time in here if necessary.

Leo spent his free time recounting the tiles. Constantly checking for any change, anything that would be enough to prove this all as a dream. That or thinking. Thinking of his mistakes, the things that he's done, and what he owes. 

Casey, Mikey, and Raph have been dropping by daily, giving him something to do aside from letting his mind run rampant. They always seem nervous around him no matter how much they tried to look otherwise.

Their eyes bore into him, leaving him restless. The quietness and soft edge to their shaky voices felt wrong.

An odd sourness tugged at his chest every time they came by, burning his chest like it was acid. He could taste the discomfort on his tongue as it pressed against the dry roof of his mouth. 

Mikey would come by and tell him about all the things happening recently. They'd tell him jokes and try to make him smile. They learned the hard way that laughing wasn't the best idea right now.

He could see how Mikey would fidget with their bandages every time he would stare for too long. How he looked guilty every time they looked at Leo's arm. The strained smile that fell short of their usual one.

Donnie would sit and make sure that his injuries were doing well. He'd rant about any ideas he had or potential projects to work on just to hear Leo's sounds of annoyance.

Donnie never left his side. He tried desperately to convince himself that Leo was alive, that everything was fine. Leo could tell. It was obvious when Donnie would always double-check his vitals despite Leo being in front of him. How he leaned into Leo's touch despite looking almost constipated by the touch itself.

He never said anything when Leo was zoning out or caught up in his thoughts. 

Raph would try to make him feel better about the whole situation. He'd give Leo optimistic views on everything, praising his leadership skills, and trying to tell him that it wasn't his fault.

It didn't get through. Leo saw the scowl that Raph tired to his. How his frown would deepen every time Leo told a joke. Staring at his neck so often that he could imagine Raph's hands wrapped against them, his intense gaze akin to the endless squeeze.

Casey would drop in at random points of the day, usually twice. He would go on with random chatter, whatever he was in the mood for. Whatever new thing he learned, stories from his time, subtle encouragement.

Leo noticed the fond look that Casey would give him, particularly when his eyes laid upon the soon-to-be-gone arm. How he looked sad when telling the stories, a longing look at the mention of any of the brothers, especially his Leo.

Leo appreciated it, he did. Yet he couldn't help but wonder why. Why should they put so much effort into making him feel better? They all were visibly uncomfortable being around him, so why push themselves?

It felt wrong to be near them, especially in his current state. He's badly injured and weak in multiple ways. He's causing them pain.

Though Leo knows that he'd only feel worse if he wasn't injured at all. It would be unfair, to have his loved ones get hurt despite him being the one causing it and yet not receiving any sort of punishment. 

He didn't deserve to be saved. He should've stayed in the prison dimension, where the Krang would deliver the punishment due. He deserved to be beaten to a pulp, to be killed violently. It scares him, forcing brick-like breaths from him. He fears his punishment. But he needs it.

Chapter Text

Warmth shot through Leo's shoulder. Warmth meant danger; it meant life. Things that lived could kill him or break him. It'll hurt him, whatever the warmth was.

His body tenses up, attempting to still completely as if playing dead while at the same time trying to escape the warmth. He was conflicted between running and freezing. 

Would the warmth chase him? If he ran, would it rip into him ten times as hard as if he stayed? Would it spare him if it thought that he was dead, some random lump of meat laying around to be ignored?

Instead of being merciful, the warmth presses itself into his shoulder harder, more warmth now piercing his other shoulder. The warmth bled into each crack in his bones, tingling static flowing with it.

It hurt. It hurt, and he couldn't escape it. He's dead. It's going to kill him. He has to run, he has to...

"...Sensei!"

The warmth swells on the back of his shoulders, dragging him forward and then back again, swaying his body like a doll. His vision is suddenly enveloped in white, a pool of darkness taking up the center of his view. 

A brown and gray figure looms over him, trapping him where he is. There's no way around it; the figure seems to be surrounding him. It's still holding onto him, still stabbing him. 

Stabbing him? The warmth is gone. Where did it go? Did it give up on him, deeming him unworthy of its energy? No, it didn't leave; it was instead replaced with a more surface-like feeling. The thing was gripping the outside of his shoulder now, no longer inside of it.

To his surprise, no boiling sensation rolls down from his shoulder, where the wound is. It's not bleeding...

"Sensei?"

Casey?

Why is Casey here? Why is he not wounded? Nothing is making sense.-

Leo's vision clears a bit, colors swarming in his vision. His body slowly relaxes, not out of a feeling of safety but as a necessary action to prevent pain. Or at least more pain than he was already in.

The muddy figure crowding his vision begins to grow clear. Small details like tears and stains in the brown fabric are now noticeable.

Looking up, Leo sees how their eyebrows are pinched up, wrinkling the skin in between. A chasm. He squints at how the eyes underneath are glazed over with growing tears.

Desperation is written clearly in their expression. The tears fatten as they continue shaking Leo in a frantic attempt to wake him. If he was even asleep. Would he be considered cognizant?

"Ca...sey?" Leo whispers. His voice was full of air, and it shook at each syllable.

It felt foreign to use, even more so to hear. It didn't feel like his. It didn't have its usual loudness or egoistic confidence to it. Quite the opposite.

Casey freezes, halting mid-shake, and looked at Leo with wide eyes. He blinks twice, allowing the tears to burst, hitting his eyelashes and beginning to rush down his face before he finishes opening his mouth. 

He seems to stumble over himself trying to find what to do. He opened and closed his mouth like he was gasping for air.

"Are you alright?" Casey asked, speaking with an uneven pitch that fluctuated. His voice thrummed in Leo's eardrums, sounding deafeningly loud, " You were crying and... and I thought something had happened."

He was crying? Leo attempts to lift his arm. It felt heavy, like dead weight. His hand brushes over the dips under his eyes, feeling the cold stickiness when his fingers move away. His face is cold and wet. It's odd.

He tries to move his other arm as well. It twitched, convulsing with waves of pain. A sharp sensation a through his body. It was worse than the needles in his throat, worse than the daunting warmth. It was sobering, punching him harshly into reality.

"Fuck!" Leo curses as his arm recoils a centimeter from where it was before he attempted to move it. His voice was louder this time, though it sounded more like a hiss than a word.

He forgot about his shoulder. The broken bone. His arm's eventual fate or lack thereof.

The thought of it didn't leave him in tears as it did before, and it didn't spark frustration or anger in him. He felt numb. It left his mind blank, rendering him thoughtless.

He couldn't bring himself to be upset about it. Yet at the same time, he was devastated. He didn't want to lose his arm. Sure, it's not the arm he uses the most, but it would make him weaker than his brothers. He'd be the crippled one who couldn't assist them in anything.

What was he supposed to do with himself? He would be useless. More than he already is. Except this time he couldn't do anything to try and be useful; he'd have to embrace his role as the face-man.

Leo bit his lip, trying to prevent any tears from coming. He didn't know how to handle these contradicting emotions, but he couldn't let them affect him.

He has to do something. He can't afford his emotions to burden him or hold him back. It would just add to his uselessness.

How is he even going to adjust to living without his arm? Sure, there was the boring schedule that Donnie and Casey came up with, but that only helped with the physical bit.

"Oh, your arm," Casey muttered, noticing the subtle movement and growing shame on Leo's face. He forgot Casey was here. "If it makes you feel better, you, from my future, didn't have an arm either."

Perhaps he was destined to be crippled then. Leo knew that it was an attempt to make him feel better. He's heard how much Casey talks about this other version of him. Ranting about how amazing and strong he was, how he was a dependable man that everyone could rely on.

But what was he? He was no warrior. He barely survived the one heroic act he's done. He's nothing like that Leo. That Leo didn't need another arm to be strong or useful.

"I doubt he lost it in such a dumb way like I did," Leo argues. "He probably lost it in an epic battle or something."

Casey didn't get it.

Chapter Text

Casey didn't have anything to say. He knew that nothing would comfort Leo. While he wasn't the Leo that raised him, he was similar. Enough that Casey knew that simple words wouldn't make the other feel better, the opposite honestly.

So, Casey chooses to instead peer at Leo, letting his sad eyes meet Leo's own before pulling him into a tight but careful hug. It ended quickly since Leo was particularly adverse to touch at the moment but Casey didn't complain.

He sat down by the bedside and began ranting about what he was doing before he came to help Leo. Everything was a blur to Leo, but he gave a tired smile at the sparkle in Casey's eyes.

Leo thought that the days until the surgery would last forever. Drag on until it could easily be considered a year. Yet, despite what he expected, the days went by quickly, turning to weeks.

Before he knew it, it was the day of the surgery. He could tell the moment he woke up. The room told him all that needed to be said. The antiseptics, the sedatives, the various surgical tools, and other items are all set out on the counter.

He remembers Donnie coming in, talking in a bunch of large and overcomplicated words. Usually, Leo would understand medical talk, but sleep still clung to his mind. He nodded at whatever Donnie was saying, knowing that it was most likely a long explanation of the procedure.

Everything afterward was lost to him. He could barely remember Donnie giving him the sedative. The drug made it easier for both him and Donnie, who was not pleased with having to be the one to do it.

Unfortunately, only he and Leo knew anything about medical stuff so he was the only option.

He blinked a few times, now staring at the blinding white ceiling of the medbay. They really ought to paint it a darker color, the stark white did his eyes no mercy every time he looked at it.

Taking a deep breath, Leo pressed his arm into the stiff bed and pushed himself up enough to scoot back. Sitting upright against some of the extra pillows. He panted, his arm quivering a bit. Fuck, that took way more effort than it should've.

He forgot that he'd have to put more work to lift his weight than he was used to. If he didn't end up with a super buff arm after working it to death with dumb tasks then Leo was going to sue Baron Draxum.

That bastard made the brothers to be made for strength, so he would be the one to blame if Leo didn't get ridiculous arm strength.

The main thing that reminded Leo of his singular arm was the empty sheets where his left arm was supposed to be. He saw it briefly when he woke up, plus the lack of feeling from where he expected his arm to be when he tried to lift both arms and stretch his shoulders.

It was new, strange even, being unable to feel anything on his left side.

While it would soon only be the lack of feeling where his arm was, it currently spread to his collarbone and shoulder blade area. A side effect of the numbing drug Donnie had given him. To numb the pain both during the surgery and the pain afterward.

Leo doesn't know what he expected. There's no real foolproof way to predict how it would feel to get your arm amputated. Let alone any way to imagine it or imitate it, no matter how hard you try.

He turned from looking in no specific direction to the pillow he was sitting against. The blank space drew him in. He tried to imagine his arm laying there.

Unsurprisingly, nothing comes to mind. His arm doesn't suddenly come back. Hell, he can't even imagine what it looks like. No visual or anything. Sure he could look at his right arm for reference, but it would do no good.

Having his arm injured and sitting in odd positions due to the various breaks didn't help him conjure up a decent image. It left his mind full of limitless possibilities.

Most of which were along the lines of blood, bones, and flesh spewed grotesquely across the clean sheets and pillows. Permanently staining them red, and eventually an amber-ish brown as it would stubbornly refuse to leave no matter how diligently they'd scrub at it.

Leo sighed, forcing himself to look away and let his vision wander to the right side of the room. Making sure his peripheral couldn't remind him of his now permanent disability.

A purple mess of blankets sat on the counter, spilling over onto the rolling chair pulled up next to it. It was draped over his twin, Donnie, who was asleep in the chair.

He was laying halfway over the counter, his head resting on his folded elbows. His eyes were tightly shut and his mouth hung open a little, some drool trying to escape it.

His hands were adorned with a pair of blue surgical gloves. They were custom-made ones. Originally a gift for Leo when he first got into medicine since the market didn't sell rubber gloves for three-fingered turtle mutants. Or mutants in general.

Donnie must've been beyond exhausted if he still wore them. In any proper state of mind, the soft-shell would've guaranteed that the gloves made it into the sink and that his hands were thoroughly sanitized.

On the gloves were faint traces of blood, dusting the rubber in uncoordinated streaks. They stood out like a sore thumb, bright crimson contrasting the desaturated blue.

Leo cringed at the sight, it was daunting to see his blood. What did Donnie have to do to remove his arm? Sure, he was the medic of the family, but he didn't know much about amputations.

He quickly set those questions aside before he could get any mental visuals. Now letting his attention fall onto the growing dark circles under Donnie's eyes.

His eyebags looked dark enough that one would think that he painted them on with the darkest shade of green he could find. They were dark enough to rival the ones that Leo usually wears.

Except, Leo uses makeup to cover his up unlike Donnie, who hated the feeling of any sort of makeup on his face.

"Hey, Donnie?" A deep voice asked, walking into the medbay. The footsteps snapped Leo into reality, no longer boring holes into his brother, "I wasn't sure if you were still up so I made you some..."

They trailed off suddenly, freezing where they stood. Leo knows they've noticed him, y'know, considering the fact that he was sitting up and all. Which was definitely noticeable when the last anyone has seen him, he was laying passed out on the bed.

Anyone who happened to be in the room were ushered out by Donnie though. The sight likely stuck itself into their minds permanently, the confused panic making it stick like super glue.

Deciding to turn away from Donnie, he looks over to the guest by the door, Raph.

In Raph's hand was a purple mug, Donnie's favorite, opaque steam dancing above it before filtering into nothingness.

Out of habit, Leo took a deep breath to savor the smell. The smell of coffee came to him instantly, harshly attacking his senses.

While Leo was more of a tea enjoyer, preferring its calming properties and subtle taste over the strong coffee his twin loved so dearly, he could still appreciate the smell of it. Its distinct smell was calming in a unique way.

It was familiar. Reminding him vaguely of his currently sleeping brother.

Raph was quiet, shifting uncomfortably as he continued to hold the hot mug. He hadn't expected Leo to be awake and planned on quickly dropping the coffee off and checking up on Donnie before leaving.

It was a bit awkward, Leo knew this, so he decided to attempt lightening the tension.

"Don-Tron over here is clocked out," Leo informed Raph with a shrug. The shrug was clumsy, his unfamiliarity with the uneven weight making it look weird. "He's trying to beat me in who can get the biggest eyebags. Don't let him know this but I don't think he'll win-"

Leo winked, a smirk donning his face. He figured that he should continue his competitive streak, not allowing anyone a break from his taunts of being in first place. It wasn't funny, but it was lighthearted enough to break the tension in any other situation.

Unfortunately, like everyone else lately, Raph didn't laugh or even smile for that matter. He didn't even pretend or force one out to make it less uncomfortable. Instead, he stared into Leo, his frown tightening and his chasm growing bolder.

Ah, his arm, Leo realized after a moment as he followed Raph's line of sight.

His brother was staring at his bandaged shoulder, the white bandages covering his whole chest to keep it from slipping off of the stub. His shoulder was just that, or just short of it. Leo didn't have anything from the joint below, just the shoulder blade that the joint once connected to.

There wasn't anything Leo could say. Nothing could make the tension go away. Not when he saw the oh-so-familiar look in Raph's eyes. The look of guilt. Of self-blaming.

Leo knew that look well. He saw it plenty whenever he got the chance to look into his own reflection. The look that all but screamed, "it's my fault".

He really wasn't awake enough to deal with years of built-up trauma right now.

Chapter Text

The silence would be deafening if it wasn't accompanied by the sound of Leo's heart monitor. The beeps gradually grow quicker, but only a bit. It wasn't fast enough to stand out but it was enough to prompt Raph into finally responding.

"Look, I-" Raph choked out, making a sad attempt at speaking. The words not coming together right.

Leo shook his head, his face falling into one matching Raph's, successfully cutting Raph off before he could finish trying to talk.

"Nope!" Leo declared louder than necessary, "We are not having this conversation at..." He looks around briefly for a clock of any sort, "...who knows how early in the morning while I'm still high off of whatever drug Donnie put me on, got it?"

It wasn't a question by any means. A question usually allows "no" as an answer. There was no argument against Leo right now, he wouldn't accept anything but agreement.

That's the one thing that Leo was certain about right now. The only thing he was certain about actually.

He was in no way going to let his older brother sit and mull over things with the skewed perspective that it was his fault. Raph was known to get stuck in his thoughts, constantly thinking that everything that happened to his brothers must be his fault.

Because he's the leader. The oldest. Meaning that he must bear the weight of the world on his shoulders before his brothers got the chance to suffer. Not if he had any say in it.

But he didn't anymore. Raph wasn't the leader. That title belongs to Leo now. It was now Leo's turn to carry those burdens and power on for his brothers. Yet Raph couldn't let go of that way of thinking.

It was Leo's fault that he was in this situation right now. It's not like Raph personally went and shattered his shoulder.

He's acting as he if did though. It was obvious that Raph was caught up about it, not being exactly subtle about the constant glances he gave Leo's shoulder up until this point, even now continuing to stare at it.

Leo was the only one at fault here. He chose to ignore everyone's warnings. Chose to trap himself with the Krang. He knew exactly what he getting himself into. Perhaps he couldn't predict or prepare himself for the incredibly one-sided fight against them but it was still something he wholeheartedly chose to do.

No one forced him to do it. No one convinced him to do it or even encouraged it. They all protested his decision. They still don't agree with how he chose to sacrifice himself, even if it meant saving the world.

Leo would've done it no matter what Casey had told him. He would've thrown himself into that portal without hesitation a thousand times over before he could even apologize for the things he's said. He would've demanded Casey to close the portal even if Raph hadn't been infected.

It was Leo's fault that Raph got infected. He had to make up for it. Even though he went after Raph, and tried to wake him up and everything, he still didn't believe that he's done enough to compensate.

But he didn't sacrifice himself to make it up to Raph. It was just something he needed to do regardless of the risks.

He didn't enjoy being nearly killed by any means, and to say that he did would be the worst lie he's ever told. It was horrendous. Fuck, even though he deserved every second of it, the pain and misery were still awful.

So to see Raph sit here and blame himself over this whole situation was infuriating.

How could he sit here and think that it was his fault?

"But-" Raph argued, knowing Leo well enough that later would be much longer than he preferred, never actually.

However, he quickly paused when he saw the look in Leo's eyes.

Leo wasn't taking any arguments right now. Even if he wasn't intimidating or threatening in any sort of way, he still looked stern enough to discourage Raph from saying anything otherwise.

It wasn't the harsh look that Leo was sending to Raph that made him give up.

He didn't have the energy to fight with Leo. He didn't want to either. All of his previous interactions with Leo being either a fight or a high-strung conversation that was excruciatingly painful to sit through didn't exactly encourage Raph to push his point any further.

"Fine..." Raph reluctantly agreed, shaking his head ever so slightly, more to himself than anything.

Walking over to the other side of the room, he placed the mug on the counter a foot or so from Donnie before turning back towards Leo.

"But we've got to talk about it eventually, okay?" He tried, hoping that he could at least get some form of compromise from Leo, "You don't have to say everything, just... just try?"

This time Leo paused, not expecting Raph to continue.

Leo didn't plan on talking about well, anything. He wasn't going to talk about all the misunderstandings he had with Raph and he definitely wasn't going to talk about his own feelings.

It wasn't about him anyways, it was about Raph not trying to blame himself.

Leo wondered for a second if he should ask Donnie about getting Raph some therapy or something. It would make him realize that he didn't influence what Leo did at all that day.

But if making some half-assed attempt to "talk" about things would make Raph feel better or stop blaming himself for things, even temporarily, then he didn't have much of a choice.

Leo nodded, looking down to avoid eye contact before looking back up and glancing around the near-empty room for a second.

"Is there anything I can do?" He asked, changing the topic much to Raph's relief, "There's not much to do in the medbay and I'd rather spend the last of the time I have to sit in here not boring myself to death-"

His hand rested over his chest to emphasize his point, hoping his show of theatrics would silently send the message that he didn't want to continue talking about this.

Besides, he was genuinely bored after staying here for weeks and it was tiring. He really could do with something to kill the time.

"Um, give me a moment to see if there's anything I can bring you."

With that, Raph makes his exit to go and search for something that could be entertaining.

The moment he steps out of the medbay Leo lets out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. His chest felt significantly lighter.

He forgot that he still had yet to talk to his family about anything, let alone what happened in the prison dimension. While he knew that they wouldn't be pushy about it he couldn't help the nausea that grew at the thought of them asking.

The swarm of questions were inevitable. Hell, the only reason that he hasn't been bombarded with various intrusive questions already is because they were trying to be gentle with him and let him heal a bit.

Leo knew more than they caught on. He knew that they were walking on eggshells around him, careful to not do anything that would set him off.

Now they'd have to put extra effort towards him. Having to accommodate things to work with his now singular arm. Expending unnecessary amounts of energy on his well-being while disregarding their own.

It dawned on Leo that he would now be treated like he was weak, more than he already has been the past few weeks. Before it was mainly pity about his situation. Pity towards him because of his arm and injuries.

But now. Now he was a liability.

Leaning his head back and shutting his eyes, he decided to not delve too far into that particular thought.

He really ought to find something to make himself useful. Something that he could still do despite his disability.

He can't afford to be weak.

Chapter Text

Leo knows that his logic is flawed. There are countless holes in it and Leo could point out every single one.

The main one is how hypocritical he's been to Raph. He's well aware that if he's so mad at Raph for trying to put all the blame on himself then he should be mad at himself for trying to do the same.

That's one of his flaws. One of his weaknesses. How his brain can't even function properly enough to have common sense.

Another flaw of his. He's a compulsive liar. The lies don't even benefit him. They just make things more difficult for everyone including himself.

He can think of sixteen right off of the top of his head. The fact that he can think of so many immediately says something about how significantly flawed he is.

Now having one arm is added to that list.

Leo's collarbone begins to sting, a throbbing sensation bubbling up from it. His hand was resting just above it, grazing his plastron.

He didn't even realize that he moved his arm, let alone scratched himself raw. It was an absentminded thing, a repetitive movement to keep him grounded while he waited for Raph to return with whatever entertainment he found.

Pulling his hand back, he stares blankly at the fingers. It felt like he was looking through them, his vision unfocused and unable to remain too long on one thing unless he lost himself amongst his thoughts like he did a moment before.

It was one of those days apparently. To think that Leo didn't notice until now was strange. Or maybe it wasn't...

He hasn't exactly been "in touch" since he woke up has he? Surely the drugs have just made it worse, at least at the beginning. He knows that they're due to wear off at any moment.

He should've noticed earlier. He should've noticed that he was staring at the pillow for longer than necessary. He should've noticed that he was staring at Donnie sleeping for what was probably way longer than he thought.

He's been stuck in his thoughts. He can't get out.

Footsteps. Raph's back. Is it Raph? Leo doesn't know, all he knows is that everything suddenly feels wrong. Like everything's catching up to him, the weight of his predicament finally hits him.

He doesn't have an arm anymore! It's gone! It's really gone. It's surreal, like a fever dream. Everything is a "like" now isn't it? Nothing is something that Leo's sure of, all possibilities and similes to cling to the idea that it's all real.

Trying to trick himself into believing that everything he's feeling is real, that if it's similar to something tangible then it has evidence of existing. Of being something more than a figment of his imagination.

That's what this all has been. His emotions. He truly doesn't feel unfazed by it all. He's trucking himself into believing that he feels nothing about his arm, isn't he?

Focus! He can't be out of focus right now! He needs to be aware, he has to protect, prove, and fight, and-

"Leo!"

Ah, that's familiar, he thinks with a bitter laugh in his head. It seems that his name is getting yelled and frantically called a lot more lately.

Of course, it has been. Worrying everyone else has been his main pastime until now. Not that he enjoyed it, no. It just happens enough that it could be considered one.

"Leo!"

He's being called this time? Was he being called the first time?

"I'm going to touch you, as a warning-"

What-

A pair of hands hit his shoulders, sending a wave of shock through him. His thoughts turn to static faster than they ever have, all words turning to mush.

It doesn't hurt. No. The drug must still be working then.

Leo's hand moves to rest on one of the hands holding his shoulders. He doesn't know where his hand was sitting beforehand.

This was a common theme. Not really since it's only happened twice, but the others are slowly growing a knack for holding him by the shoulders. Like, hello? Freshly amputated arm?

"Are you here with me?"

Was he? He didn't know. Who was even talking to him? It was a familiar voice. But all the voices that have talked to him have been familiar so that's not very helpful.

"A little bit then, it's me, Donnie-"

Did he respond? Is he thinking aloud, or did he do something without realizing it, he doesn't even know anymore. Well, the voice was Donnie. It was out of character that he was touching him, but his poor attempts at calming him, if that's what you'd call it, practically screamed Donnie-typical behavior.

Did Raph ever get back with something to do?

Oh! He should ask Donnie if he's seen Raph!

"Did Raph ever come back?" Leo asked, staring at Donnie.

He has no clue when his vision refocused, let alone when he started looking at Donnie. Honestly, he wasn't quite there enough to even try and figure that out.

Donnie's raised eyebrow and narrowing eyes felt like an answer enough. So, no, he hasn't seen Raph.

How long was he out of it, then?

Curling his fingers, he tugs at one of the hands. They immediately retreat much to Leo's pleasure.

"How long was I... y'know?" He asks instead, waving his hand in front of his face to demonstrate.

"About ten minutes or so, though it could've been longer since I don't know if you were dissociating before I woke up." Donnie answered, now backing away from Leo a bit.

Leo notices his arm again. It's constantly made its lack of appearance apparent. Demanding his attention more often than he'd like.

"Well, do you want to... talk about it?" Donnie questions while he goes and rolls his chair over, pulling the blanket over his shoulders like a cape.

"I don't know to be completely honest with you, Don-Tron," Leo admits freely, too mentally exhausted from trying to zone in to care about filtering his words, "What I do want is some food though-”

Donnie doesn't look amused. While he usually isn't expressive facially, Leo knew the small tics and movements his face and body made. His whole body spelled it out clearly, he saw through Leo's bullshit.

Of course, he couldn't brush it over with his twin, unlike the others. They knew each other too well. The one downfall of being so close to one another.

"Well?" Donnie asked, gesturing for him to speak, "I'm not going to make you talk if you're uncomfortable, but if you can and you're avoiding it for some dumb and self-destructive reason I will stop giving you the pain meds for your shoulder."

Leo felt particularly called out. In his usual Donnie fashion, he went and bluntly stated his exact issue. Some part of him wanted to deny talking, claim to be uncomfortable, and risk the amount of pain that'll come without the strong pain medication.

"Leo, stop." Donnie grabbed Leo's wrist, pulling it away from his neck.

He went to scratch himself again without realizing it. That's going to prove to be a real issue, wasn't it?

Leo opted to remain silent, not responding to anything that Donnie's said.

"Of course, you have to be difficult and hardheaded right now-" The soft-shell groaned, placing Leo's hand down at the owner's lap before removing his hand.

"How about we discuss plans about your arm instead since that'll prove to be a productive conversation, unlike the pathetically one-sided one we're having now." Donnie suggested, rolling over to the counter to pick up his mug, then returning to Leo's side.

"Sure." Leo responds, not arguing about a topic change.

He successfully drove Donnie off of the topic with his stubbornness. Testing Donnie's patience is a sure way to get him to back off unless he decides to be stubborn as well.

Chapter Text

Donnie was concerned for Leo, though he'd be caught dead before he ever admits it out loud.

Leo hasn't been the same since the invasion. No one has in all honesty, but Leo's changed the most.

He didn't smile as much and when he did everyone could see how it never reached his eyes, his teeth rarely showing. His whole personality felt fake too, like how every joke he told was dark and self-deprecating and often said in awkward or tense situations.

The awkwardly timed jokes weren't new as Leo's always been deflective. Donnie was familiar with him trying to dodge topics, but Leo's been more stubborn about it lately, refusing to talk at all if it meant avoiding something.

None of them have gotten Leo to open up about what happened in the prison dimension. They know that it was bad, his injuries said that much, but they needed to know if they wanted to help him.

Some things didn't get past Donnie, like the way that Leo flinched anytime someone mentioned his smile, or how he began to space out whenever he felt "too cold" despite wearing various blankets in the already warm room.

Brushing the thoughts off, Donnie took a quick breath. Leo's fine, he will be. He just needs some time to process everything and get his "mojo" back. All he can do right now is help Leo through that as much as he can, hence his role in treating and monitoring his injuries.

He slid over to the counter, feeling around the counter at a side angle, taking the healing schedule. Quickly looking it over, he nodded, making his way back to the bed, where Leo seemed to be spacing out again.

His face sat blank, looking down into his hand, palm-side up. Donnie's got to ask him about that.

He instead coughs, bringing the papers closer to his face since his contacts were long disposed of and he hasn't had much time to find his glasses.

"So, here's the general plan," Donnie looked up to see if Leo was paying attention, continuing once he saw Leo slowly looking up, "Twice a week you'll have physical therapy for your knee. You'll have to remain on pain meds until a week or so after everything has healed. Then, of course, we'll work on your ability to rely on your right hand daily."

Lowering the paper, he looks Leo in the eyes, who looked less out of it than before.

"Got it?"

Leo nodded, shifting his fingers slightly. He was sort of uncomfortable. Not with Donnie but with the concept of needing help, let alone receiving it.

His throat was sore, and he didn't have the energy to ask for a drink so he instead nodded in response to Donnie's question, getting a hum of acknowledgment.

After a few seconds, Leo signed Raph's name. He hoped that he did it right, it's been a long while since he's used sign language.

It was a form of sign language that he and his brothers came up with since they only had 3 fingers.

Realization slowly struck Donnie's face, having been a minute since he's used sign language as well. With a thumbs up, he got up leaving Leo alone in the room. Leo felt his eyelids begin to shake, eyes watering at the sharp ache in his chest. The urge to yell for his twin to come back festered up.

Pathetic.

He was too clingy. Too reliant on his siblings. They were going to get tired of him. It's surprising that they haven't already.

That's why he wants to talk to Raph. If he got the long-due conversation out of the way it would hopefully stop Raph from babying him or treating him like he was weak.

Besides, Leo needed to beat some sense into Raph. Someone else can beat some sense into him once he's done with his older brother.

Chapter Text

He knew something was up when Donnie came to his room. Donnie didn't look off, but Raph was never the best at reading him, that was Leo's thing.

"Leo wants to talk to you," Donnie told him, looking him up and down, "Just be careful, okay? He's still in a weird headspace right now."

When he finished speaking he immediately made his exit, presumably to his lab where he usually spent most of his time.

Raph didn't think that Leo would be a-okay so soon, so he's not that surprised at the second bit. What got him worried was the first but.

Considering how just a few hours ago Leo had insisted on not talking to Raph about everything that has happened, it was strange for him to suddenly ask to talk.

Donnie didn't say anything about what it was Leo wanted but Raph knows that no one ever asks to talk to someone for just some small talk, especially not Leo.

No, Leo isn't like that. He'd much rather avoid talking to someone unless they do happen to talk to him first. And right now he was avoiding Raph.

Anxiety swelled in his chest with every step toward the medbay. He tried to push down the dread as he stood outside of the doorway, trying to put on a brave face before entering.

As he enters, he sees Leo sitting in bed as usual. It's not like he could really go anywhere.

Raph's eyes immediately land on his shoulder. It was his second time seeing it as he hasn't come by since he and Leo had that argument. Or would it be closer to a disagreement? Who knows...

Raph didn't know what to call it, but he does know that it wasn't a good thing.

He's reminded of their last interaction when he sees Leo's face, looking dauntingly similar to how he looked then.

It was an odd mix of what looked to be frustration, pain, and that scowl he often made when being scolded.

He didn't notice it beforehand, too wound up to pay attention. Did Leo look this way the whole time, even while Donnie was with him?

"Um, you wanted to talk to me right?"

Raph didn't know what else to say. What else could he do? He didn't want to push it, not with Leo. No, Leo would take any form of kindness as pity.

Raph was well aquatinted with the dark part of one's mind having a field day with meaningless things. He's spent way too many days crying in the dojo to not be familiar with it. He understood first-hand how Leo felt, he knew how persistent those thoughts were.

That didn't make it any less painful to see how Leo reacts though. To see the quick flash of emotion on his face before it quickly changes to something completely different. It's concerning even.

How often does Leo hide his emotions for him to be able to pull a poker face so fast? All the potential answers made Raph queasy.

Leo jerked his head up, surprise painting his face, "Wha... Oh!" Realization hit him, his posture relaxing slightly. Not much though, he was still visibly tense, "Right, I did."

He waved his lone arm to an abandoned stool at his bedside.

Leo's voice sounded off, standing out to Raph. He couldn't put his finger on it though.

"Come, sit, sit!" He gave a closed-eye grin, stretching across his face almost forcibly as if he forgot how to smile properly.

Raph pretended not to notice and took a seat on the stool, holding his arms over his chest.

The stool was specifically made so that Raph could sit in the medbay and not break any chairs as all the other ones couldn't support his size. Plus, having no backing removed the need for him to stress about his shell tearing something.

"Well...?" Raph inquired, hoping that Leo would get what he was trying to do.

Leo placed his hand in his lap, taking a deep breath, "I'm guessing that you already know what I want to talk about..."

"What we 'talked' about last time?"

"Yup-"

They both sat there for a moment, unsure of how to begin the conversation.

It dawned on Leo that he should've waited longer before asking to talk. Maybe then he would've had time to figure out what to say.

Chapter Text

Per usual, Leo made the mistake of not thinking things through before doing it. Letting the key get stolen, getting Raph captured, making some heroic suicide attempt.

Hence where he is now, awkwardly sitting in front of Raph. The silence rang in their ears, challenging them to break it.

"How about you start," Leo suggests, "I know you think it's all your fault, so go ahead, ask me anything if it'll help you understand that it's not."

You're one to talk, his mind whispers. How can he tell Raph something that he can't even tell himself? It isn't about him, it's about Raph, focus on Raph.

Barely hiding his grimace, Leo gestures for Raph to talk, waving his hand towards him. At this, Raph stiffens. Leo understands, he knows that the suggestion was sudden. However, his chest still ached at Raph's reaction.

Does Raph not want to talk to him? Did he push him too far? Did he say something wrong again?

"Oh um..."

Raph glances around for a second, trying desperately to find something to look at to calm his nerves. Moving his arms, he holds his elbows tightly, squeezing them. He's trying anything to calm himself, to gather the courage to speak.

"I don't understand how you don't blame me. I got captured, I... I almost killed you! How are you not angry at me? How can you sit here and talk to me without hating me?" Raph blurts out, the words slurring together.

He tightens his grip on his elbows, shutting his eyes to avoid whatever reaction Leo will have. He doesn't think he can handle to see the judgemental look, the scrutinizing eyes that'll strip him bare of his mask and lay out his insecurities for all to see.

It was a stupid idea to say that. He could've easily lied, why did he have to tell the truth?

Leo's face softens a bit. Not from understanding. He does understand how Raph feels, most definitely, but he's more fond of the situation if anything. It's been a long time since Raph has truly been vulnerable with him. It likely wasn't a good thing that seeing Raph like this made him content.

His mind's all fucked, Leo's well aware. To the point where he clings to any sign that he's not some mistake, even if it's just his family in pain.

Hatred creeps up on Leo, pricking his chest and his stomach aches at his thoughts.

In an attempt to distract himself, he abruptly clears his throat, letting the harsh air choke out, "Look, Raph. Can someone control how you feel?"

Technically, someone could, Leo answers himself internally. Images of the invasion come to him, faint memories of when Raph was infected. How the Krang manipulated his emotions.

Raph's eyes open, he couldn't understand what Leo meant, "What?"

"Do you blame me for sacrificing myself?"

Raph stood up, the stool falling back loudly, "Why would I?! Leo, you almost died!"

Raph couldn't believe Leo would say that! How could he! Did he think of this as a joke? Did Leo truly not see that he was the one who pushed him into sacrificing himself?

"Exactly my point, brother." Leo laughs, brushing past Raph's growing anger, "If I told you that I hate myself for doing that, that you should too, you'd tell me just that. See the problem?"

Raph stills, his face filling with shame and embarrassment as he realizes what Leo did.

Leo huffs dramatically, displaying his exasperation, "And that settles the conversation then. Shoo, shoo!"

He wanted this to be the end of the talk, to stop it before anything related to himself could be mentioned. This was about Raph, not him. Besides, he's fairly certain that his body couldn't handle any more stress. The day has been eventful enough.

Unfortunately, Raph thought otherwise, catching onto Leo.

"Hey now, don't think I'm leaving without us talking about whatever the hell happened with you."

Shit. Should he play dumb? Be persistent like he was with Donnie? He didn't know how to distract Raph. Usually Leo would simply run off, now that option was gone.

"I haven't a clue what you're talking about. Now go on with your day, if you don't mind."

Raph didn't leave. He didn't even move. He stubbornly remained where he was. After a few moments of nothing, he turned around and began walking.

Finally, he gave up. Relief filled him but Leo kept it inside, not wanting Raph to notice how happy he was to see him leave.

Air caught in Leo's lungs when he saw Raph stop unexpectedly. Bending over, he picks the stool off of the ground and moves upright, walking back over to the bed and setting it down. Once it's in its original spot he sits down, facing Leo.

He's not getting out of this one, Leo realizes, watching as Raph's eyes bore into him.

This isn't good, not did he think this would happen. Well, he didn't exactly know what would happen at all but this was definitely low on the list if he did. He didn't want to talk about anything that happened. Not ever. He plans on taking that information to the grave if he's able.

He gets a good look at Raph's now scarred cuts that cover his eye. It looks different than he remembers. Even though he saw Raph a few hours ago, he didn't pay it any mind then. The last time he got a good look at it was immediately after Mikey had pulled him from the prison dimension.

At the time blood was still coating the mask, deep crimson on the lighter red mask, barely noticeable.

The shade was burned into Leo's mind at this point. Small scraps and cuts from missions, the fight with Shredder, nights that were too quiet for comfort, the days when his mind buzzed on too long, the Krang.

A shiver hits Leo, grounding him as he finally looks away from Raph, who's gaze is still burning holes into him.

"Well?"

Chapter Text

Leo regrets his impulsive decision now. He doesn't know what he was thinking. No form of preparation could've prepared him for the feeling that came with being confronted.

His skin felt as if bugs were crawling under it, ready to burst. His mind not doing much better. It sounded similar to when you're half connected to a radio station, half static, half insistent chatter.

What should he do? Should he try to run despite being physically unable? Should he lash out and force the confrontation to end? Continue to dodge Raph's questions?

Leo didn't know what to do.

"Well?"

Raph wasn't sure how to feel. Leo's avoidance was frustrating, yes, but he was growing concerned. He's...off.

"Look, as I said before, I'm not going to push you but you need to at least tell me one thing." He sighed, "Anything, even something small like how you're feeling now. Anything is better than nothing, right?"

Just one thing. Just one thing and he'll leave. One thing and Leo could get a break from the suffocating air that he forced himself into. He always did this. Putting himself into situations he can't handle for reasons that even he didn't understand. He must hate himself a fuck ton to keep subjecting himself to this.

"Right, right, you're right..."

Something. Just say something. How hard could it be? Hell, he could lie if he wanted to. How could Raph know if he was or not? Just say something about the insomnia, the nightmares, those are common and won't prompt much asking.

Leo tried to smile, "I'm just...the nightmares are a lot lately. I'll be fine though, nothing I ain't used to!"

Done, simple and easy. That wasn't so hard, why did he think it was so difficult? Now this conversation could end. Finally.

Leo hoped that Raph would be satisfied. Even if he clearly wanted more, he did say that anything was better than nothing.

"Well, you know you can come to Raph if you have a nightmare!" Raph said, trying to find some comforting words that weren't forced, "Well not literally, you know what I mean-"

He was trying to keep it lighthearted. Or, at least, lighthearted enough to keep the two of them sane. It didn't work, not really.

Leo hated how nice Raph was being, how supportive he was, how he wasn't questioning a thing despite his obvious deflecting. He wanted it to be over, but not with some bittersweet words to make him guilty.

He wanted to avoid his issues. To pretend that everything was fine. That he was fine. Because he was. It wouldn't matter if he wasn't, he needs to make sure that everyone else is okay. So in a way, he's grateful too.

Raph was supportive and not pushing and that means that Leo wouldn't need to talk about more sensitive things. He wouldn't need to make Raph concerned or burdened with his issues. That's good.

Faint yells and flashes of pain come to him, reminders a few weeks prior. Mentioning them would bother Raph. He knows that Raph feels guilty about being infected, so it's best to not mention the Krang at all.

"Of course!"

They both knew it was a lie but neither of them planned to point it out. They both couldn't think of anything else to say.

Leo's stomach ached, but not in the way it did before. This time it was a sharp and repetitive pain unlike the queasy one from before. It hurt. Hunger. He forgot about food. He guesses that he was too caught up in how eventful today has been so far to think about it.

"Oh! And on your way out, could you get some food for me?"

Raph curtly nodded, taking his leave without a word.

Leo's smile disappeared as Raph left, no longer feeling the need to hold up a facade. It wasn't a well-crafted one, no, but it did its purpose.

Exhaustion hit him, taking him in full force. Everything was heavy and his limbs were insisting on staying pinned to the bed. Giving up, Leo shut his eyes and chose to let his body give in to eh exhaustion. Hopefully, sleep came to him fast. Raph could get him up when he returns with food anyways, so he shouldn't worry much.

Chapter Text

Worry was a word Leo didn't believe in. It was many words in disguise. Pity. Doubt. Guilt. He didn't think that someone could truly care about someone enough to sacrifice their health for them. Not without feelings of pity, doubt, or guilt accompanying it, which removes the very meaning of worry.

He knows that the concern his family has towards him is nothing but that. They pity him. They think he's weak for doing what he did. They treat him like he could break with the wind if it blew too hard.

They doubt him. Afraid to leave him alone too long, because who knows what he'll do to himself. He'll try to leave them again, abandon them again, and they don't want to risk it. They doubt his leadership skills, they know that he'll screw up soon.

They feel guilty. They think that they pushed him into throwing himself into a pseudo-hell. That their words made him think that it was the only way he could prove himself.

Leo hates it. They aren't the ones who should feel that way. He should. He should pity himself for being too weak to protect them. Why couldn't he handle the pain? The fear? Why was he so incompetent?

He should doubt himself. He's not a good leader. He doesn't listen or take things seriously. He's not smart. He isn't motivational. If anything he gets them into trouble, causing issues.

He should feel guilty, because of the things he's caused them all to go through. If he wasn't such an idiot and just listened none of this would've happened. The Krang wouldn't have been freed. Raph wouldn't have been infected. Citizens would have died. Mikey wouldn't have almost died to save him because of his sacrifice.

Casey's life wouldn't have been miserable if it weren't for him. His selfishness caused an apocalypse. It killed everyone. It killed his brothers.

Leo wishes the Krang killed him. Death is too easy of an escape but he deserves it. He's caused nothing but trouble for everyone.

He doesn't want to die despite that. It's terrifying. The Krang wouldn't be kind about it.

Surely it'll feel similar to how it did in the prison dimension. Cold. Numb. The will to fight back and endure slowly seeping away with each drop of blood. Each wound tearing into his resolve and broken bone snapping his desires.

That familiar fear, the rush of adrenaline, the searing pain, everything, all of it came to him. He's got to hide. Remember the routine. Follow the routine. It keeps him alive, it must, it always has. Run, hide, rest, and repeat.

It's the perfect punishment. Permanent torture for the lifetime of suffering he's caused. Never granting him death's merciful embrace so long as he follows the routine.

"You're such an idiot! You can't even follow a simple routine right."

The voice wasn't familiar. A new thing. But it wasn't new, no, he's heard it before. Who was it? Leo can't remember. He can't remember anything before the Krang, only that he was wrong and that this was his punishment.

Was it someone he wronged? It must be. They must be here to mock him, to get their revenge for all the awful things he's done to them.

He finds himself associating the voice with purple. Why? He doesn't understand.

Crash!

He's rested too long. Now he's behind schedule. Quick, he must run, if he doesn't it'll all be over. He runs. Letting his body guide him as he distantly wonders who the voice belonged to.

The Krang was unusually quiet. Turning around to see if it's still following him he finds himself still. Why'd he stop running? Where was the Krang? All he saw was a void. Dark and infinite blackness.

Where was he?

Looking around, he sees nothing but darkness. Shutting his eyes he curls into a ball, bringing his mangled body into a tight hold. What should he do? He hasn't had to think in so long, he doesn't know if he even could anymore. Unable to get more than blurred nonsense, he slowly opens his eyes.

This time he's greeted with blurry figures. Oh, Purple! One of the victims of his existence. The others must be like the Purple one, coming to remind him of his crimes. The Red one's face was distorted, tentacles coming out of their eyes. The rest of the face seemed to be melting.

The Orange one's arms were gone, red spattered across the entirety of the figure.

The Purple one wasn't standing like the rest, but instead on the ground(?). Oh... A blur of purple and red mixed on the ground, the read spilling from the confinements of the figure. The Purple was scattered in it.

This must be what he's done to them. His gut tells him so from the nauseating guilt building up. There's so much that Leo thinks it might start spilling out, bleeding out from every pore and hole he has.

"It's your fault."

Leo blinks and the figures are gone, now replaced with hundreds of new ones, all red.

He grips his head, squeezing as hard as he physically could. "I did this..."

It's all his fault. He doesn't know what he did, but he'll make up for it. He must. He owes it to them.

"Leo, I've got food!"

What?

The black is gone, and the figures are gone too. Light takes their place, flooding his vision. He's not numb anymore.

Sweat rolls down his face. There was enough to cover his whole body on his face alone. Harsh breaths tell him enough.

It was a dream, or more accurately, a nightmare. Blinking a few times, he slides himself up.

"Leo?"

Looking around he sees Mikey at the door, holding a steaming bowl. The image was strikingly similar to when Raph came to give Donnie some coffee.

"Sorry, I fell asleep," Leo says, yawning.

What was his dream about? Nothing comes to him when he tries to remember. Oh well, it was probably something dumb.

Leo rubs his eyes, wiping away the excess exhaustion that followed him. "What's on the menu?" He asks.

Mikey walks over, trying to not spill the bowl's contents.

"Well, I made you a breakfast bowl, it's something I came up with today. It was something easy because I'm having to relearn how to cook and all, the side effects of magic hands." He explains excitedly, placing the bowl on the stool beside his bed.

"I had to figure something out since Raph was trying to make eggs before Donnie went and dragged him off somewhere. I couldn't just let the eggs go to waste so here."

Leo didn't hear much of what they said, his mind wandering halfway in. He smiled regardless, muttering a quick thank you. He can't get his mind off of Mikey's hands, the mention of having to relearn doing things sparking guilt in him.

Mikey's hands got close to turning to mystic dust just to save him.

As always, Mikey noticed Leo looking at their hands despite his attempts of looking fine. They noticed how Leo looked distraught when he woke up as well but he wanted to hope it was nothing.

It clearly wasn't nothing. A job for Dr. Feelings!

"Hey now, it's now healthy to blame yourself for things!" They scold gently, "Eat, eat. Food is a good distraction! Made from the best chef ever!"

The change in behavior startled Leo, his attention jumping to Mikey himself, or Dr. Feelings he supposed.

"Right, of course, Dr. Feelings," Leo sighs, holding his hand up in defeat, "But how am I meant to eat without a tray? I can't exactly hold the bowl and eat with one hand can I?"

Mikey's face brightens at Leo's teasing.

"Coming right up!"

Mikey did a childish salute to Leo before marching off to get a tray like a soldier marching off to battle. Dutiful and full of excitement. Energy thrumming through him and leaking out of him in bursts.

With Mikey now gone he stared at the bowl. In it is a bunch of breakfast foods, as the name suggests. Bacon, sausage, egg, cheese, and potatoes, all mixed together. It looked amazing as all of Mikey's cooking did.

When Mikey got back he was going to smother him in praise, because how dare they say it's not that good! It's a masterpiece! And he hasn't even tried it. He's sure that it'll taste a hundred times better than it looks too.

With the thought of food, he isn't concerned about his dream anymore. That could wait until after he's fed his stomach.

Chapter Text

Mikey returns with a tray

"Guess who's back?" Mikey asks as he skips in with a tray.

They place the tray on Leo's lap and then move the bowl of food onto the tray. When they're done they bow at Leo, a large smile stretching across his face.

"That's right! Me!"

Leo laughs at his sibling's antics, ignoring the faint pain when doing so in favor of enjoying the moment. It was nice to see Mikey playing around. The change in atmosphere was a breath of fresh air to him and he wasn't complaining.

Looking down at the bowl, he takes a deep breath. Perhaps the smell of the found could rival the atmosphere. It smelt amazing and he was dying to see how it tasted.

Without another moment of hesitation, he takes the spoon, which was placed in the food, and brings a scoop to his mouth. He quickly eats it without a second thought.

"Fu- Crap!"

The food was hot, searing the insides of his mouth and throat. He forgot to wait for it to cool down or blow on it, he realizes as his eyes instinctually begin to water.

Mikey's laughs make him smile as well.

Lowering the spoon for a moment, he lets the pain simmer down before speaking.

"It's amazing, Mikey!" He blows on another scoop, eating it with less pain this time, quickly swallowing. "You can't even tell that you had to relearn how to cook!"

Mikey brightens at the praise. They were practically jumping up and down from how happy they were. He's glad that Leo's feeling okay, even more so that he likes their cooking.

It makes them feel like they might be ready to start drawing again. If he can cook then surely drawing is an option.

"Hey, Leo?"

He pauses mid-bite, lowering the spoon slightly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think that I should start drawing again?" They ask, "I want to start drawing again but I'm scared that I won't be able to do it. That it'll be too hard for me right now and I don't want to be disappointed..."

They were too honest, they know that, but it felt right to say. Perhaps it was because he knew that Leo would understand best out of their brothers. The others would be supportive, but they wouldn't understand.

"And I think that I want the first drawing I make to be a drawing of you. So, prepare yourself for a masterpiece, okay!"

Leo sat there with his mouth hanging open, almost comically. He didn't expect that in all honesty. However, before he can say anything he sees Donnie walk into the medbay.

Mikey turns to look at Donnie, confusion written on their face. Neither of them knew why he was there, but Leo assumed that it was either to get something or to check on him.

Donnie doesn't say anything, instead walking over to the counter and flipping through some papers. Nodding, he moves to the pair, holding said papers.

"I apologize for the interruption, but I have some news that I think the two of you will be pleased to hear."

What sort of news? Leo couldn't think of anything off of the top of his head. He instead finished the bite he paused, savoring its taste while Mikey's curiosity festered.

"What is it?!" Mikey asks, beaming at Donnie with child-like eyes, almost begging him to spill the beans immediately.

Donnie's lip twitched up, forming the world's smallest smile at the youngest's antics.

"Well, Leo here should be able to start walking tomorrow with the aid of a crutch. He'll luckily only need one, which is convenient given his lack of another arm..." He trails of, teetering on the edge of ranting about the conveniences of his injuries' locations.

"He'll, of course, have to be supervised, but other than that he'll finally be able to leave the medbay. Which is something I know he's dying to do."

Donnie's right. Leo is more than itching to get out of the medbay. He's tired of staring at the bright ceiling and he would appreciate being in the comfort of his bed.

He isn't as happy about how he'll be able to walk around. A crutch of all things. He's still not healed enough to walk properly apparently.

They'll be a flashing sign that says "look at this weakling" when he walks around.

Mikey, as if reading him like an open book, swings an arm around his neck carefully.

"That can be my first art project, Leo! Then, you get to walk around with my gift for you."

Having a colorful crutch would certainly distract others from what he's worried about. They'd be less concerned with how crippled he is and more about the eye-sore colors of them.

"Plus, we can invite April over to help and it'll be a win-win since you haven't talked to her yet."

Leo smiles at the offer. He appreciates Mikey's offer to paint the crutch. Unlike everyone else's attempts of comforting him or doing things for him, Mikey hasn't made any sacrifices or forced themself to do anything for Leo. Not since the invasion anyways. Mikey gets it.

They always do. That's the main thing that Leo likes about Mikey. Unlike Donnie, who understands as well, Mikey doesn't take advantage of that knowledge and does things that Leo's okay with.

With the anticipation of being able to decorate the crutch, Mikey spent the rest of the day brainstorming ideas with Leo, even calling April to get her input on the plans and to invite her over.

Chatting with April and Leo all night, they end up falling asleep laying halfway over Leo's good leg. The call was still connected. Smiling fondly, Leo takes the phone and cuts the call with a brief goodnight.

"Now, even though you can walk around now, you shouldn't overdo it," Donnie informs him, placing the aid against the bed and wall.

It was early in the morning. About eight o'clock if Leo had to guess. Donnie came by this early so that Leo wouldn't have to sit and wait to get the crutches. He probably knew about the plans to decorate them and decided that the earlier was better.

When he was done dropping them off he quickly excused himself. Likely to work on a project he's been putting on hold to monitor Leo's health.

About an hour later, April comes in. In hand are various bottles of paint and paintbrushes. Leo gently shakes Mikey awake while she sets the supplies down.

Mikey practically jumped awake when they heard April's voice. Immediately tackling her in a hug, forcing laughs out of both Leo and her.

After calming down and catching up a bit, the two of them sit on opposite sides of the bed as one of them painted the crutch. Every once in a while they would swap, continuing each other's work under the ruse of Leo having an equal amount of them with him as he walked.

Before starting a new section of their painting, they'd ask Leo for his opinions on it, even giving him progress check-ins so it could be spot on.

As Mikey painted patterns of orange, blue, and yellow, he couldn't help but wish that this could last forever. That they could sit and hang out with Leo until the end of time, endlessly happy and sharing dumb jokes with April's occasional sarcastic add-ons.

Hours are spent painting Leo's crutch and the medbay is filled with laughter and mindless chatter.

When they are finally done, April and Mikey present the crutch to Leo with pride. They couldn't wait for him to use it.

He was nervous. What if he tripped and busted his ass in front of the two? That would worsen his injuries too, forcing his recovery time back and pulling Donnie from his lab once more.

Taking the crutch, he puts it underneath his arm and Mikey holds his other side to help as he pulls himself up from the bed. Leo takes a moment to adjust the crutch and get comfortable. After a little he nods at Mikey, signaling to them that they can let him go.

With the support now gone, his weight is now resting on his knee. It was in a brace that Donnie had him wear for weeks. He forgot about the brace until now, not pulling the sheets back since it was put on.

His knee ached. That was to be expected but it still stumped his mood.

At April and Mikey's impatience, he tries to take his first step. Shrill pain shoots through his leg, his eyes slamming shut.

April comes over and puts a hand on his back, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just put too much weight on my knee."

Leo takes another step, this time with April by his side. This one didn't hurt as bad. He's got to remember to put most of his weight on the other foot if he wanted to save himself the pain.

The walk to his room continues this way. Slow and pained steps until they arrive.

Donnie didn't have to tell him to not overdo it. He doesn't think that he could even if he wanted to. Walking was beyond exhausting.

"Do ya want us to hang 'round so more?"

Turning to April, he flashes her a quick smile.

"Nah, I'm tired enough to sleep for the next week."

With a thumbs up, the two of them walk off, engaging in their own conversation now.

The sounds of their voices begin to fade, leaving Leo alone. The silence hits him like a bus. It hasn't been quiet for some time, the past forty-eight hours not allowing him a break from the noise.

Stepping into his room he makes his way to his bed before throwing himself on it. Pain swells up again, this time in more places than his arm. He couldn't care less right now, though.

He deserved it. He selfishly took up their time. They could've been doing anything worthwhile and it was wasted on keeping him entertained. He tried to compensate by making them laugh with his jokes, but it didn't make the guilt go away.

Maybe if he wasn't in their lives anymore they wouldn't be wasting their time anymore. Leo wonders how he could do that. The easiest way would be to isolate himself. To let himself with his thoughts. He wouldn't be able to mess up or bother them.

But it would concern them. That's how they are.

Distancing then. Enough to not cause issues anymore but not far enough to do the opposite.

A genius plan. It wasn't fleshed out yet, but he could worry about that later. He was plenty satisfied right now.

Looking around his room he sees a phone sitting by his bed. Donnie probably got it for him since he's big on everyone only having the best technology possible.

Picking it up, he switches it on and watched the back screen come to life. Blue and purple hues appear, some random default background.

Leo waits for his eyes to adjust to the light before checking the time. It wasn't too late, just about lunchtime.

Shrugging, he unlocks it and scrolls mindlessly through the internet. He lets it take his thoughts, carrying him away from his stress.

After what felt like fifteen minutes he heard knocking on his door.

"Hey, Leo, I just came to drop off some dinner for you."

It was Raph. Just as he said, Leo heard something get placed outside the door before he left.

Hours had passed without him knowing, missing out on half of the day. He didn't even realize the time until Raph came by.

He wasn't hungry but he reluctantly grabbed his crutch and retrieved the food. He didn't eat it, instead setting it on a random surface on the way back to his bed.

He didn't want them to stress about him not eating if they came by and saw the food still sitting outside of his room.

Chapter Text

Raph was growing concerned for Leo. He's spent all day in his room, not talking to anyone since he talked to April and Mikey.

He understands that Leo needs space and that he isn't going to be walking around a whole lot but it doesn't shake away the fear.

Tons of what-ifs swarm his thoughts. What if he's hurt? What if he's mad at them? What if he's isolating himself? What if he does something stupid?

He can't get rid of the feeling that Leo is upset at him or at least avoiding him. If they never had that conversation, would Leo still be upset? Is it his fault for being so insecure?

Raph sighed, rubbing the space between his would-be eyebrows. He needs a distraction. Thinking this much is going to send him to an early grave.

Making his way to the kitchen, he pauses when he sees both Mikey and Donnie. The two of them were standing in front of the toaster, talking about something.

Hearing Raph's footsteps, Donnie turns his gaze to Raph.

"Just the person we're looking for," Donnie gestures towards himself and Mikey, "Come here, we've got something to talk about with you."

Raph's nerves seemed to all come alive at the command, forcing his body to stiffen. It's just Donnie. Nothing bad is going to happen. It's probably just some random topic where he got brought up. Taking a deep breath, he walks over to them.

On the counter is a mug and a plate that he couldn't see beforehand. The mug, as he expected, was filled with hot coffee. However, the plate had nothing on it.

"So what was it you needed me for?"

The toaster pinged, two pieces of toast popping out. Mikey jumped at the sudden noise before collecting themself and placing the toast on the plate. They run off to the other side of the kitchen.

"We wanted to get insight on any observations and concerns that you have regarding Leo."

Concerns? So he wasn't the only one who was worried about Leo. Raph feels some of the tension he held leave, no longer as stressed about his worries.

"I have a few," He says, glancing to Mikey who was now heading back to them with things in hand, "Mostly about him staying in his room all day."

Donnie nods, taking a sip of his coffee with furrowed brows. "Yes, that was Mikey's main concern as well."

Mikey sets the items down, looking at the two at the mention of his name.

"Oh yeah, I thought it was weird that Leo hasn't left his room," Mikey admits, opening a container of homemade peanut butter, "He seemed fine yesterday, he was socializing and everything."

"So we were thinking and," Donnie sets down his now half-empty mug, "We think that we should try to get him to join us for dinner tonight. It would be our first family dinner since everything that's happened."

It was a good idea, a great one even. Raph was impressed with the two. He thought that they'd choose to do something stupid to drag Leo out of his room. Like tying him to the couch.

How would they go about it though? Deflecting is something that Leo is skilled in. And despite both Raph and Donnie being able to see through his attempts, he's ridiculously stubborn when he wants to be.

"But how are we going to convince Leo to join?"

Mikey spread the peanut butter evenly over the toast before opening the jelly and doing the same to the other slice. When they finished, they set the toast back onto the plate and gave a light punch to Raph's shoulder.

"I've got this," They brought their first back, "I'll just use my charismatic younger sibling charm!"

Raph sighs, giving Mikey a tired hum of approval. Donnie pours himself another cup of coffee, echoing Raph's hum.

"If you say so, Mikey. Now, I'm going to head back to my lab so don't interrupt me until dinner."

Raph watches as Donnie exits the kitchen with a frown. After they figure out what's going on with Leo, he needs to check on Donnie.

Shoving one of the toast slices in their mouth, Mikey takes the other slice and makes their way to Leo's room.

When Mikey arrives they notice that there aren't any lights coming from the windows, confusing him. Was Leo not awake? Leo tended to sleep a lot in the medbay so maybe he's sleeping now. To recover and all. But he could easily be awake right now and Mikey would miss their opportunity to invite him to family dinner.

Taking a chance, he gently knocks on Leo's door. They hold their breath in anticipation. They don't know if he'd even respond, let alone listen to them.

To their surprise, Leo does respond, a confused sound followed by a question.

"Who is it?"

Leo's voice sounded off. Mikey couldn't put their finger on it, but it bothered them.

"It's Mikey," He tells Leo, "I wanted to ask if you wanted to join us for a family dinner tonight."

They got no response, though they expected as much. Leo's been weird about questions lately, even about small things.

"It'll be the first family dinner in a while and I really want everyone to try my cooking! Plus, it'll be nice to see everyone together. I'll even give you more of the good stuff."

More silence.

The sound of shuffling was followed by oddly placed footsteps. Mikey almost forgot that Leo was using a crutch now.

The door in front of Mikey opens, revealing Leo's tired face. His eyes were adorned with eyebags. They weren't very dark but they were noticeable as Leo hasn't had any since the invasion.

Mikey noticed that Leo was staring at them strangely, intensely staring at them as if he was trying to see his intentions. The eye contact was uncomfortable but Mikey didn't let themself show it. They knew that it could irk Leo from accepting.

"I'll go. What time is it?"

Mikey smiled, "It's at six, I'll be sure to save you a spot!"

Leo nods slowly, standing there awkwardly for a moment before stepping away from the door and shutting it.

His younger sibling charm was successful, as expected. Mikey was happy with how it turned out. It was better than nothing.

Going to plan dinner, they didn't notice Leo watching them from his room's window.

When dinner came around, Mikey set out each bowl of food. Raph and them got the original version of the spaghetti. Donnie got a special sauce with his, one that didn't have any chunks and was ground to a finer texture. For Leo, Mikey put extra sausage in it.

They didn't give him a bigger serving like they wanted to, knowing that Leo wouldn't be able to stomach it. So they decided that adding more sausage would be smart, letting him have more of his favorite part of it.

Leo was the last one to arrive at the table, limping over with some difficulty.

"Sup my lovely family," Leo greeted with a sad imitation of his usual shit-eating grin, "I'm sure you all were miserable without my presence."

Donnie groans at his words, pulling his headphones over his ears, and started scrolling through his phone.

The others didn't pay the comment any mind, opting to smile at Leo and show him to his seat.

Despite their best efforts, Leo couldn't help but feel small under all of their eyes. He knows that they were trying to not be obvious about it. The nervous glance bouncing from him to any random place in the room said that much.

It didn't make him feel any less uncomfortable though. Trying to ignore it he smiles meekly. Donnie slides one side of his headphones off, turning his attention to Leo.

"Is your leg doing alright? I need to know if there are any problems now that you're moving it around and putting pressure on it."

His leg was hurting. A lot. Earlier today he had stood without his crutch, forgetting that he needed it. It hasn't stopped hurting since. Leo didn't want to tell Donnie that, he could handle it. He's felt worse anyways.

"It's fine," Leo tells him, "It'll take some time to fully adjust though, I'll probably be able to walk without the crutch by the time I adjust."

Donnie nods, quickly typing something on his wrist before putting his headphones back on and turning back to his phone.

"That's good!" Mikey says through a bite of food, some sauce hitting the table as they talked, "Not the adjusting but obviously, but the fact that there's no issues!"

Leo winced at Mikey's words. They hurt a bit because he knew that they didn't know a thing. Clearly, though, he wasn't as aware of the stares as he thought as Raph said something next.

"Are you sure about that, Leo?"

It was a meaningless question. Just his brother being overprotective as he usually is yet Leo stilled. Or stilled more than he already was if that was possible.

Raph was onto him. He had to be. Leo isn't stupid, he could hear the slight edge to the question. The silent accusation behind it. Raph knew that he was lying to some degree.

Leo's lungs stuttered a bit, causing his breath to hitch. It hurt to breathe. He fucked up, he fucked up bad. He should've been paying more attention. He should've hidden it better.

"Are you telling the truth, Leo?"

Why was he asking again? He doesn't understand. Raph's mocking him. He's going to let everyone know. He has to leave. He has to. How?

Leo rapidly tries to find an easy exit. There's only one way out of the dinner area. It's on the opposite side of the room.

He can't escape. He's stuck.

"Raph! We're trying to have dinner," Mikey scolds, narrowing their eyes at the former, "So, this isn't the time to interrogate Leo."

"But-"

"No. Leave that out of this!"

Their voices grow in volume, spitting retorts and arguments back and forth. Soon their voices become indistinguishable, turning into random spouts of loud noise.

It was all his fault. If he wasn't so weak. If he was able to lie better or actually be okay this wouldn't be happening.

A dull ache started in Leo's shoulder. The feeling of tearing flesh and cold, merciless air surfaced in his mind, the ache making him aware of what caused the arm to be removed in the first place.

The Krang.

He couldn't hear the arguing of his brothers anymore. It was replaced with the angry cries that would often be followed by blunt and endless pain.

Leo wanted it to stop. Everything hurt. His shoulder hurt, and so did his legs and lungs. He had to leave. Why couldn't he leave?

The Krang was upset again. He said something stupid to aggravate them. A harsh punch came to his back, knocking out what little air remained in his lungs. He choked on the next breath, sobs building up before he even realized it.

Warmth surrounded him. With it, followed a new pressure on his head. He couldn't hear the Krang anymore. Where did they go?

Warmth is dangerous so why was he melting into its touch? It'll hurt him, he needs to leave.

"Shh, it's okay," Came a whisper.

It barely met Leo's ears. Who was that? When did everything get so quiet?

"I'm going to leave for a moment, okay?" They tell him, cold air creeping onto Leo as they continued, "I'll be right back."

Leo pulls his arm to wrap around his torso, letting it hold him in replacement of the warmth. What was happening? When did he start breathing right?

The ground was cold too, he realizes. Moving his arm to touch the ground he rubs it in small circles. It felt interesting. He didn't know when he got on the ground, he doesn't know if he'd be able to tell if he tried though.

Instead, he continued to draw shapes on the textured ground, watching distantly as someone walked away from him.

With a squint, he could see who it was. Donnie. Right, he was at the family dinner. He wondered what happened, why Raph and Mikey seemed to be frantically going back and forth, and why Donnie was now joining in.

He honestly needed another cup of coffee, Donnie thought with a grimace as he approached his two arguing siblings. He doesn't know why he didn't think of that before dinner, it would've been wise considering who his family was.

Their voices were too loud, each letter and syllable stabbing his eardrums. He needed them to stop yelling.

"Could you guys not!" He spat out loudly, hoping his voice was loud enough to be heard over their arguing, "Leo is having a panic attack and you guys think that it's okay to have a yelling match? In the same room as him?!"

The two of them stop immediately, turning to Donnie with wide eyes. They haven't heard Donnie raise his voice in a long time, let alone at them.

"Do you think that your arguing is helping?"

Donnie vaguely gestures to Leo, who was beginning to calm down. His sobs slowed into quiet hiccups as he grounded himself by running his fingers along the floor.

Guilt swells up in Raph's face, his anger quickly dissipating. He's messed up. He let his concern and frustration get the best of him. Of course, he did.

Mikey didn't look as guilty but they quickly clasped their hands together, "I'm sorry! I didn't realize that he was freaking out and if I had known-"

"It's fine. I know that neither of you intended to hurt Leo but you did. You owe him an apology, not me."

Donnie didn't say anything else to them, instead going back to Leo.

"I'm going to take the headphones off, okay?"

At Leo's approval, he took them off, placing them on the ground next to him. He moved to be more to Leo's side rather than in front of him to allow Raph and Mikey to come into Leo's view.

Raph spoke up first, fiddling with his hands, "Look, I'm sorry for pushing you. I wasn't thinking straight. The three of us have yet to open up much and yet we've been expecting you to do so and that's not right..."

Leo shakes his head. His reaction leaves Raph confused.

"What?"

Donnie puts his hand between the two with a head shake of his own. Silently telling Raph to drop it. To avoid it becoming too tense, Mikey crouched down by Leo as well.

"I'll try to be more cautious. Just know that Dr. Feelings is always available!"

Leo doesn't get why they feel bad. It was his fault, wasn't it? They keep doing this. Feeling guilty for his mistakes. He doesn't have the energy to argue with them though, instead choosing to say something that they'd probably like.

"I'll take you up on that on one condition," Leo says quietly, "Don't push yourself to do anything for me that you aren't comfortable with, no arguments."

It was more for his own comfort than theirs'. It would be easier if they stopped pushing themselves and going out of their way to accommodate him.

They looked hesitant to agree but ultimately do, taking whatever compromise they could get.

The rest of dinner continued, much quieter than before. None of them could complain, the silence was better than the previous fighting.

Just as Leo tries to leave after dinner Mikey comes up to him.

"I have an idea! I know that you're most likely bored to death with nothing to do, so why not pick up a hobby?"

Mikey moves towards the table, slowly stacking up dishes.

"Art helped me a lot with boredom before we first went topside. It helped with my emotions too."

Chapter Text

Sleep wasn't kind enough to visit him tonight. Leo didn't expect it to but that didn't stop the frustration from building up. He was growing restless from sitting around listlessly for so long.

Everything felt wrong. He needed to move or do something. He couldn't exactly go and take a walk or venture topside due to his healing leg so his options were cut to nothing.

'I have an idea! I know that you're most likely bored to death with nothing to do, so why not pick up a hobby?'

Right, Mikey had mentioned that yesterday just before he left to his room again. It would ease the constant feeling of needing to do something, obviously since it was something. He wasn't sure what he would pick up anyways.

Leo doesn't have skills like his brothers do. Mikey has their creativity. He can create art of all kinds. Their mind is overflowing with colorful ideas. Raph has his physical strength. He can fight well. Endure hits and lead effortlessly like a sturdy boulder. Donnie had his intelligence. His brains full of plans and his own form of creativity resulting in endless inventions.

He didn't have any of that. What was he supposed to do as a hobby when he has no skills. Learning some would be the smart thing to do but he doesn't know what skills to learn, nor where to start.

Yet in the back of his brain, Leo knows that if he had a hobby he would be more useful for everyone. If he wasn't so bored he wouldn't feel the impulsive need to fill the void with his dumb jokes and quips, which ultimately get him in trouble.

Mikey said that it helped them with their emotions as well and Leo is wishing that he had asked them what that meant. Without knowing all of the potential pros of getting a hobby he couldn't scale how useful it would make him.

Surely anyone else would already know what Mikey meant. He was too stupid to know, however.

Sitting up, Leo scoot back so that his shell was pressed against the bed frame. Leaning to his side, he let the wall support his body. Just as the night before, he felt small. Weak.

The lack of sleep wasn't helping. The opposite really. Leo knew the side effects of sleep deprivation.

"Hello? You up, Leo?"

The sound of Mikey's voice came from behind his door. He jumped upright, no longer resting against the wall. Right, Mikey mentioned coming by to help him find a hobby.

Looking around, he sees his crutch on the other side of the room. Of course. He pressed his face into his palm with a groan.

"You can come in," Leo tells them, checking the time momentarily.

Ten in the morning. He wasn't surprised, time flew by him more often than not. Dissociating only aiding in its rapid race to disappear and blend days into one blurred smear.

His door slow opened with Mikey in tow, who shut the door behind them. Turning to Leo they smiled, holding up one of their many sketchbooks.

Making their way over to Leo's bed, they sat down on the edge and flipped the sketchbook open to a surprisingly blank page, "I brought this so we can figure out what you want to do."

How would a blank page help with figuring out which hobbies to try? Leo moved closer to the sketchbook, now able to see small words messily strewn across the top.

｡✧ Leo's Hobby List ✧ ｡

Small stars and blue squiggles decorated the title. Underneath was a list of numbers, one through three.

"It's a small list of the top things you're interested in trying," They explained, pointing to the numbered list, "This is where you put those things. Then we're going to scale how much you'd like trying them over the other options."

It sounded... easy? Much easier than Leo though it would be. Though Mikey always managed to do that with things. He was simple minded like that, in the good way, unlike Leo.

No. It's not the time to think like that. He can't sorry Mikey, especially not when they're going out of their way to help him with this. They didn't have to do this.

"Alrighty, Angelo. Let us begin, shall we?"

Mikey nods quickly, beginning to think of ideas briefly. What things did Leo like? Jupiter Jim, humor, fighting... Oh!

"How about you try learning more about being a medic and all that?"

Leo already had some background knowledge in medicine and other medical things and he didn't dislike it either, a decent idea.

He nods, watching as his siblings scribbles 'become a doctor :D' on the list. Their face was contorted with concentration, the type that was fueled by sheer excitement and determination. Mikey was taking this awfully seriously.

He thinks back to last night. Everything was blended together, like a dream. Not that he didn't remember what happened, no, he remembers it vividly. Rather, that's how it was from his perspective. Like a morbid mosaic art piece or a work of contrasting colors that flowed in shocking harmony.

Leo pauses at that thought. Art. Perhaps not visual art like what Mikey does but some other form. Writing? His mental description of last night seemed oddly poetic.

"How about writing? Like poetry." He suggests.

Mikey lights up at the idea and jots it down as well.

Now onto the last idea... Glancing around he spots some shiny metal on a shelf, looking similar to a needle from this angle.

"Hey, Mikey?"

They look up,"Yes?"

Leo meet their eyes, watching the slight confusion in Mikey's eyes grow with each second, "Would you happen to know anything about needles?"

Mikey thinks for a moment, pressing his index(?) finger into the flesh of their cheek.

"There's a few things. Like sewing, embroidery, making clothes, etc."

Embroidery sounded nice. So did making clothes. Leo would be able to be useful that way. Making customized clothes for each of his brothers that could help them.

"Add making clothes to the list too," He said, looking at the three now written ideas on the paper.

Now he had to figure out which one to try. That's the most difficult part of this.

Objectively speaking, studying medicine would be the most useful. Not just now but in the long run as well. The other two were more self indulgent.

Leo's gut twists at the observation. He was repulsed by the idea of being selfish and being self indulgent was no better, only a step away from selfishness. So the other two were out of the question.

"I'll probably try the first one, studying medicine," He says, leaning himself back onto the wall, "It'll be fun to add onto my knowledge. I could get my brain big enough to rival Donnie's forehead if I try hard enough too."

Giggles burst out of Mikey, the mental image of Leo with a big forehead made him hurl over in laughter. Leo soon joined in, laughter escaping him before he realized it.

"Better work hard on that then!" Mikey tried to stop their giggles, taking sharp yet deep breaths.

They continue joking around some more before Mikey has to leave. Something about a project, Leo wasn't one hundred percent sure.

How should he start his research?

He moved himself out of bed, ignoring the pain that came with standing without his crutch. With clenched teeth, he goes to his desk and retrieves two notebooks. One was black and the other blue.

Returning to his bed, he took a marker and pencil from a nearby end table and labeled the two. The black one for medical knowledge related to health conditions, medication, injuries, etc. and the other one for health, anatomy, and useful information related to turtles. More specifically, the species of turtles that he and his brothers were.

Turtle knowledge would be best to start with. Small information and facts that he could use to be useful to his brothers in times where no one was injuries or in need of medical assistance.

Chapter Text

Dull pain thrums through Leo's fingers, creeping up to his wrist and elbow. The soreness caused his arm to slow in its movements, laboring more to write than before.

He needs to continue writing, he needs to learn as much as he can. He can't afford to stop. What if stopping costs one of his siblings their life?

The pain doesn't let up though, only getting worse as he tries to push through it. He can't focus anymore.

With a sigh, he sets the pencil down and turns his phone off too. His lips curl into a smile, thinking back to all the research and work that he's done. He isn't sure how long he's been studying this time, but it's been a few days since he initially began.

_________

Donnie sat with one hand over his forehead and the other working diligently on sketching something out. He's planning a new invention, desperate to keep himself busy, but ideas are coming up dry and brainstorming has been fruitless.

An echo thumped on the door pulls him from his forced focus, directing it to the noise. Someone was there, though who was unknown.

Donnie opened his mouth, about to ask who it was, but nothing would come out. Was his throat dry? Unfamiliar with speaking due to the lack of use?

The person knocks again, not allowing him time to find a drink. So he instead flips on his wrist tech and opens the security function. Clicking through, he gets to the lab cameras and selects the outdoor one.

On the screen is Leo, tapping his good foot impatiently.

Donnie hasn't seen Leo since the dinner two days ago so he wasn't going to turn him away. Tapping the unlock button, he listens as the door clicks and Leo walks in a moment after.

Hobbling over, Leo looks at Donnie with a brow raised.

"You good?"

Is he? He doesn't know at this point. He's spent too much time working to know if he was, but he felt fine, to be honest. Sure he was having frequent microsleeps along with prolonged spacing out when under-stimulated but it's probably nothing.

Donnie shrugs, turning back to the messy blueprints on the table close to him. All of the words were gibberish, written sloppily on the paper.

Leo too looked over at the table, not pushing Donnie to respond. As usual, couldn't understand any of its contents let alone words, but this time not from his lack of vocabulary or the extensive amount of information on the papers but the opposite.

It struck him as odd that Donnie would be so careless to let his writing and work become disorganized and poorly done.

Maybe he should inform Donnie of sleep and the lack thereof. Not that Donnie wouldn't know, but sometimes he got in this rhythm that removed all reasoning and left only mindless working. Providing his twin with logic may jumpstart his left brain and get him to at least nap.

"Sleep deprivation affects the ability to think correctly, D," Leo tried, "So you should sleep."

Donnie snaps his head to Leo, looking at him strangely. "Since when did you know anything about good sleeping habits, Mr. Eyebags."

"Since I was the medic."

With a scoff, he comes over and slides onto the table with caution to the blueprints.

"Plus, you should know that an hour of lost sleep takes four days to recover, Mr. Know-it-all," Leo glared at him without much heat.

Keep up the banter. It removes suspicion.

Donnie doesn't say anything after that, leaning his head back and staring off into space. Should he leave? Overestimating his stay isn't something he wants to do, especially not with Donnie.

With a smirk, Donnie asks, "If you're the medic then what is cardiac tamponade?"

Cardiac tamponade... Blunt force trauma, particularly related to blunt thoracic trauma. Leo remembers seeing the term on a blog about it.

"It's when blood or other fluids build up in your heart, the weird bits in between what I think is the pericardium(?) and the muscle." Leo places his hand on his chin, thinking for a moment, "I believe that pericardiocentesis is a treatment for it."

He probably pronounced all of those wrong if he's honest, but if it made Donnie trust his judgment then so be it. Whatever it takes for his twin to sleep for the first time in days.

Donnie's eyebrows furrow up as he nods, gesturing for Leo to leave.

It was some sort of success.

______________

"You should be more careful around knives, Mikey!" Leo scolded, whipping an alcohol prep pad onto a decent-sized cut on his sibling's hand, "You could easily have gotten an infection."

Mikey didn't meet Leo's eyes, favoring to set his gaze on the medbay floor.

They were cutting some meat for dinner when they cut themself. It's not like they knew that blood could carry tons of bacteria. Why does Leo even know that? Sure he's the medic, but surely that's not important enough to know.

Leo finishes wiping the cut and pulls out an adhesive bandage, placing it on them.

"I get it, I'll be more careful next time."

Leo hums, going to disinfect his hands quickly.

"But, I know you're going to love dinner tonight. It's pasta with a sauce that I've come up with on my own. The meat I was cutting just now was some for the sauce."

Another hum. At least Leo's sort of paying attention.

Leo's been taking his whole role as the medic quite seriously since he's been okay enough to walk around without many complications. No problem with that as is, if not for the lack of personal time Leo is giving himself.

Mikey hasn't seen him relax in a while, always researching, studying, or doing something productive that more likely than not is medical-related.

From personal experience, they can say that Leo is hyper-fixating on this. Though if it's on the medical things themself or something else he isn't sure.

He needs a distraction, something that'll force him to take a break for a little.

"Now that you're done wrapping me up, do you want to try the sauce?" Mikey asks, trying to not put much pressure on Leo to make a decision.

_______

So here he was, sitting in front of a bowl of pasta. It doesn't look bad per se but something about it is unsettling. The red color, diluted to look pinkish in areas. The thick noodles.

A shiver shakes through Leo, but he bites down any other response and forces a mouthful of it into his mouth.

The texture is awful. It's slimy and a little cold from sitting.

It's just sleep deprivation. Just as he told Donnie, he too is sleep deprived. There's nothing there. He just needs some sleep, that's all.

Bile builds in Leo's throat as he quickly eats his portion of food. Standing abruptly he blindly grabs for his crutch to the left of his seat.

"It was good, thanks, Angelo."

Without another word he paces to his room, trying to avoid running away too fast.

Pathetic. Mikey didn't have to let him eat any, so why did he hate it so much?

Never mind, Leo doesn't have much time to sit around and ponder his insecurities. Pulling out his medical notebook, he opens it to the bookmarked page. It was some notes about wound classifications and the types of blunt force trauma. Trauma injury, to simplify.

Back to work it is.

__________

Was it their fault for suggesting a hobby to Leo? Would Leo be throwing himself into his research if Mikey said nothing?

They messed up, haven't they...

Chapter Text

Nothing is wrong with the texture of the grotesque sauce. Even their purple-clad brother had no issues with it, which is something that doesn't happen much. Less now than before, but Mikey couldn't judge Donnie, he saw how disgusting the blue and purple tendrils looked.

Donnie had refused to speak at all after that whole ordeal, only talking again when Mikey began to tear themself apart for the life of Leo.

They don't know what Leo went through in the prison dimension. He's still refusing to talk about it. The most the brothers have gotten out of him were small half-truths about his physical health.

However, his stubborn and unbothered facade fell loose last night. Slipping just barely to allow Mikey to see the sliver of truth that hid behind it. From the speck of what he saw, it wasn't good. Not to Mikey's standards.

Last night was the last straw for Mikey. Something needs to be done about Leo, for both his physical and mental health. There's only so much he can bottle everything up and shut them all out. It wasn't well concealed despite what Leo thought.

Mikey is well familiar with the look of painted endurance, having been surrounded by it for their whole life, even wearing it themself from time to time. Leo was forcing himself to eat, something about it bothered him. His slight flinch and moment of hesitation before eating said that much.

He was also spacing out the whole time or dissociating as he and Dee would put it. And that wouldn't be too odd for Leo, neurodivergent and all, but even Mikey's calls at his name didn't shake him.

He didn't glance at Mikey, he didn't flinch or acknowledge them at all. It was jarring.

Maybe he's out of medication. It would make sense as Leo hasn't talked to anyone much so no one would know, let alone be able to get refills for him. Even then, Leo's never zoned out this bad before. Only once after a nightmare and he was barely conscious at the time.

________

Mikey decided to drop by Donnie's lab. It was more of his room these days, but it was a guaranteed place to find him no matter what he was occupied with.

They needed to bring a few things up with him. The first thing is his suspicion that Leo was lying about his injuries. He struggled to get out of chairs without apparent fatigue and exhaustion. Sure, Mikey wasn't a medic like Leo or a scientist like Donnie, but he was smart enough to know what pain looked like.

The second thing was Leo's mental health. This one could easily be broken into more than five individual categories for how much was packed into it.

There was his self-isolation, though mild it was only bound to get worse. His refusal to open up at all. Not in any way. Though Leo wasn't the only one, Donnie didn't open up verbally, but he didn't force himself to hide the physical reactions that came from touch afterward. Perhaps he did at the beginning, but it ended fast. And Raph, poor Raphie, he hasn't said a word but his constant apologies spoke all he had to say for him.

But Leo gave off no telltale signs or cues. Nothing that they could use to help him. No vulnerability that could be addressed. All he had was this, which is ridiculously complicated.

"Michael?"

Huh? Oh right, they went to visit Dee in his lab.

"You've been standing there for a few minutes." A moment of static-filled silence, "Do you want to um... talk about it?"

Mikey smiles at his brother. Hearing his sad attempts of comforting them was something they needed right now. A problem that doesn't need to be fixed. Something they don't have to stress over.

"I don't mind!' Mikey replied, making sure they were loud enough for the camera's microphone to pick their voice up, "If I can remember how to get in, that is."

Why were all of Donnie's doors overly complex for no reason? Security, blah blah blah, was all he got from Donnie the one time they asked. Not good enough for a reason to have this much security, but they shrugged it off.

Footsteps approached the door, a soft series of metal clicks following it. The next thing Mikey knew, the lab door was open.

Slipping into the lab, they followed behind their brother as he walked over to his 'relaxing' section of the lab. It was just a small couch to substitute for a bed plus his gaming consoles across from it.

Don sits down on said couch, raising an eyebrow at Mikey, "So?"

Mikey follows suit, sitting down beside him with enough space in-between the two so that Donnie was comfortable.

"I wanted to talk to you about Leo if you're chill with that."

He seems surprised for a second, his other eyebrow raising. Only for a second though. It was quickly replaced with Donnie's usual apathetic face.

"I don't... mind," Donnie fidgets with his wrist tech, unclasping it and pulling it off his arm. Carefully, it was placed on a pillow next to him. "So where do you want to start?"

"Well, I have a concern that I know you'll care about and one that's sort of iffy."

He holds his arms, thinking. The gears turning in his head were so loud that Mikey thought that he'd be able to hear them if they tried.

"The first one then, for simplicity reasons."

Alrighty. It's good that Dee chose the easier one to address. Well, he obviously would for a variety of reasons. Two of those being his personal interest in it and his dislike of difficult conversations, not touching them with a ten-foot pole if he wasn't given time to prep himself.

Mikey decides to be blunt about it. It'll be over with faster. Conversations are easier to have once started after all. That and beating around the bush would only irritate Donnie.

"I think that Leo's lying about being okay. He's obviously in physical pain."

They would say that silence accompanied his words but all the gentle humming in the room couldn't be anything less than silent.

"I didn't notice that," Donnie admitted, voice still flat, "Perhaps some time out of my lab is due."

Mikey nods. It'll certainly help to have an extra pair of eyes.

"Is there anything specific about that, or is that all for the first concern of yours?"

Mikey shakes his head, "Nope, that's it for now unless you want specific signs to look out for that I've noticed."

"You can message me a list later," Rolling his neck, he sighs in relief after a few loud pops, "The next one?"

Sucking in a deep breath, Mikey tries to compose themself before explaining.

They describe how Leo has been isolating himself. Leo's refusal to be vulnerable with anyone, hell, Mikey wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't even vulnerable with himself. His reaction to dinner last night. His reaction to dinner last time, which Donnie was the main witness of. Everything.

________

When they finish, their lungs feel just about ready to collapse. It all spewed out of his mouth like a loose hose, endless strings of words.

Mikey didn't mention their fears in the matter. Towards themself rather than towards Leo. It wasn't the time, besides, Raph would be open to talk if they needed it.

Raph is Mikey's go-to when it comes to the feelings they're having at the moment. The building blame that's being brought to himself. Raph knows it all too well. They don't even have to say half of it, he just gets it.

"Hmm..." Donnie's voice surprised Mikey a little since he was quiet during the whole info dump.

"I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not proficient enough in physical health, let alone emotional health, so I can't do anything."

Ah, that reminds Mikey of a few days ago, when Leo and them sat down in Leo's room and made a list of coping mechanisms in disguise for him.

From everything else Leo has been doing, including his preference for his room lately, Mikey can only assume that the hobby isn't working.

"Well, I did bring up hobbies and stuff to him recently, but I don't think it's helping."

Don't make this an emotional conversation, Angelo, keep it together. Hold yourself together until this conversation is finished. He could fall apart however much needed once they got to Raph.

"Most likely not," Dee agreed, "Leo could be abusing it."

Abusing it? How could someone abuse a hobby?

Confusion was written in bold neon colors across Mikey's face, "Sigh- It's like the term too much of anything is bad for you."

"Like how exercising too much makes me hurt?"

"Similar, yes," Donnie says, "Knowing Leo, he could be hyper-fixating on whichever hobby he chose, which is often unhealthy."

The mentions of his own unhealthy coping mechanisms were left unsaid, but it lingered in the air like a mutual understanding. A dictionary definition of the lack of regulation.

"My best suggestion is that he should try getting another hobby. If he wants to replace his current one with it or settle with two is up to him though."

"I'll try bringing that up to Leo, thanks, Dee!"

_________

Mikey runs off to their room instead of Raph's as they initially planned. That can wait, he had to figure out some ideas.

Taking out one of their sketchbooks, they flipped it to the page with Leo's list on it. He could use one of the other two written since he was already interested in them.

_________

"What is the point in this?" Leo asks, face deadpan from where he rested on his bed.

"I thought that you'd want to try one of the other hobbies on your list," Mikey spins the book around so that the words were upright to Leo, allowing him to look at the small list.

"Plus, you can have different hobbies for different things, y'know? Like one for when you're bored and another for when you're sad."

Guilt pricks at Mikey's gut, knowing that they shouldn't leave Leo in the dark. They deserve to know their plan, their reasons, all of it. Pointing out Leo's self-destructive behavior isn't something smart right now, remember that.

With hesitation, Leo agrees.

He wasn't going to try. No. It wouldn't help him any, not the other two on the list. His current hobby was fine.

He didn't say that Leo had to give up his research, but he still felt the need to resist steering away from it.

Just suck it up. It'll be fine.

Chapter Text

Which one should he choose? Poetry or embroidery?

Without any reason to back it up, Leo felt drawn to poetry. Something about it was appealing in a way he couldn't articulate if he tried.

Thinking about it, he'd be better off not touching embroidery. It's hard enough with five fingers, but three? He'd be asking for hours of struggle with that. And, injuries were extremely common when starting, even a bit later on too.

"Oh yeah, before I forget," Mikey gasped suddenly, "I did want to let you know that you might feel more comfortable if you did the hobby with someone else. Whether they learn with you or keep you company is up to you, though."

"It's similar to me showing you guys my art and stuff. It makes me feel good to share it and the praise is a plus, especially if I didn't like the piece."

How could Leo involve others in his poetry? Writing something for them? Using them as inspiration?

There were quite a few things he could do to involve others but he didn't plan on doing that. He'll be fine with only himself right now. Trying to figure out methods of involving others and trying to weigh out the pros and cons of poetry was difficult to do at the same time.

Some pros of poetry... Better writing skills, the ability to articulate his thoughts, and the potential ability to persuade people. All of those could be useful as a leader. Not as much as medical knowledge was, but it has some worth to it.

There weren't many cons though. The only one is rhyming. Did poems even have to rhyme? Leo needed to search that up.

Now to assign them, as Mikey had said. He was doing this step with some effort because planning things is important.

Medical studies and research could be reserved for his need to be worth something, to contribute some worth to the team. He couldn't study long anyways, the burnout and sleep deprivation making it impossible to focus for long periods. It didn't help him learn new information either.

Poetry could be for the other stuff. By other, Leo has categorized it as when he thinks of... then, his emotions, etc. It would be smart to use poetry for his emotions as it would remove that burden from others and he wouldn't be selfish, he could just write about it to help him get over it.

Leo lets his sibling go on about their art, tuning out his passionate words about it.

Instead, he turns his focus to the blue notebook he put on his desk a few days back. It was originally to write information about the three of his siblings, himself included. Their species specifically, as well as their quirks like Raph's separation anxiety or Donnie's immunity to anesthetics and a majority of pain meds, even surgical grade ones.

It was empty though. He never got to researching all that but he supposes that it all could be crammed in with the other stuff in the black notebook.

Standing up, he only slightly winces at the weight on his knee before he shuffles over and retrieves both the notebook and a mechanical pencil. Sitting back down, he flips it open to the first page and writes a quick introductory.

It wasn't anything fancy, just his name, and the date he started and finished the notebook. The finish date is left blank for now.

Turning to the next page, Leo wonders what to write about.

Don't think. Just write. Just let it happen. He continues to tell himself this as he let the words come to him, flowing on the paper.

It wasn't eloquent by any means, but it was exhilarating. A foreign sensation yet against all odds, he welcomed it with a twitch at his lips. It was similar to adrenaline without the pressing fear of death.

Writing the poem was almost like his emotions were exiting him with the lead, leaving his body light.

In a moment of impulse, Leo hands the poem over to Mikey, anticipation practically bouncing out of his skin. He probably looked dumb, like an excited puppy.

Mikey glanced it over, growing more worried with each line.

[It's so cold, slowly warping into numbness,
only given rest when beaten half to death,
giving him pain, with warmth he'll miss,
but it'll fade and leave nothing left.

Warmth means harm, cold means anticipation,
waiting and aching for it to come,
this is my reward, the congrats to my mission.

It lingers with me, clinging to my bones,
scolding me constantly about my failure,
that I was too greedy to enjoy it on my own,
now my reward is this haunting reminder.]

It was well written though, they should focus on that. Handing it back to Leo, Mikey smiles, "It's really good, Leon!"

Pointing to the words 'failure', "reminder', 'anticipation', and 'mission', "I like how you rhymed these lines, I'm impressed since it's your first time writing a poem."

Leo finally smiles, letting the new sensation take control and fill him with unadulterated joy. Mikey too felt ecstatic like Leo did, for a different reason though.

They were glad that Leo trusted them to read it and to receive their opinions. Seeing Leo happy lifted Mikey's mood too. He knows that it'll be short-lived, that's how making art works, but they hope that it'll motivate him to write more if it'll help.

"I know how I mentioned sharing your hobby with others, but do be aware that you can write things for yourself too."

Leo lost his happy look, not upset now, but it was diluted by a neutral appearance. "I don't know what else to write besides," he gestures to the poem, "stuff like that."

Leo doesn't want to always write things like that. It'll make things resurface. Things that he's put effort into burying and he'd like to keep it that way.

He doesn't want to think about what happened on purpose. Hell, he'll probably only be 'comfortable' to write about it if he's already thought of it beforehand, like dinner from yesterday.

He didn't panic then, nothing like the family dinner, but he was reminded of them.

Chapter Text

I apologize for not posting in a bit. I've had a lot of school work to do and other personal things as well. I've also been getting back into an old fandom of mine so I'm finding it hard to balance it all.

I'm putting the story on a temporary pause.

I unfortunately do not have a set date of when I will return.

Chapter Text

I apologize for being gone so long and I'm sad to say that this fic is being discontinued.

I planned on updating this month however I attempted to end my life 2 weeks ago and I've spent the last 2 weeks in the hospital and a temporary psych ward. I was discharged today and I realize that continuing this fic is not something I can do without risking a meltdown or it triggering some sort of depressive episode. I have a lot on my plate including issues with school because I missed exams and finals. I'm sorry to all of you who were looking forward to an update, and I will try to post the outlines and drafts that I had for this fic and other fics I planned in this universe.

My other fic for this fandom is also discontinued as it contains various themes of suicide that I am no longer comfortable with writing.

I do not wish to explain how I attempted suicide or any other details about recent events for both my comfort and the comfort of sensitive readers.

Please, if you are experiencing any thoughts of harming yourself or others, reach out to a trusted individual/adult or call a hotline in your area! Do not minimize or play off any thoughts of self harm or suicide as any thoughts, no matter how minor or mild they feel, are a risk. If you are not comfortable with reaching out yet then please take care of yourself and practice proper first aid to your wounds.

A website for helping with self harm safety and other helpful information is selfharmpics.com, for individuals 18+, warning for potentially triggering images and information on the site.

Some hotlines are:

USA- 988 or 1-800-273-8255
UK- 0800-689-5652 or 116-123
AUS- 13-11-14
CAN- 1-833-456-4566

Or the emergency provider of your country/region (e.g. 911, etc.).

Stay safe!

Chapter Text

All of the drafts and outlines for this fic and universe have been posted! The fic is called Brown Specs and it's in this series so please check it out if you'd like to see what I had initially planned for this au-

Chapter Text

I'm now making one shots for this universe! Please make sure to follow the series and read the newest one along with others that ikk write.

I can't find myself continuing this or starting another fic so I decided to gift you all with snippets since I love Leo , Leo angst, and poet Leo.

Thank you for reading this and I hope you enjoy the one shots I'll gift you all. (Albeit short ones )

Chapter Text

After 2 years of having this fic discontinued (due to personal issues stated in the previous updates), I've decided to rewrite it!!

I'm in a much better place mentally and I've even started college, so I think I'm ready to continue this story! Due to the writing being almost 3 years old, I am going to be rewriting it as a separate fic!

(Also, with the new season coming up, I figured I should get back into ROTTMNT :3 )