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The open sea was just as harsh as the wild west; Cowboys and pirates alike were all too aware of that. However, a certain crew made that all the more true.
Captain Wendy ran a tight ship up until the last few years- They almost starved. Harsh times called for harsher measures, at least that’s how they justified it. A string of mysterious disappearances were pinned to their crew as a result. And they were mighty proud of this new reputation.
Unfortunately, soon after they docked their ship, 3 cowboys became their most recent targets.
Tweek’s recollection of the day prior was fuzzy at best. Him, Craig, and Kenny had just stopped for a drink in Jimmie’s saloon before everything went black. Could’ve sworn he heard a gunshot, and guessing by the sharp pain in his side, he wasn’t wrong.
He turned to investigate, at least he would’ve, if he wasn’t bound to the ship’s hull. Blinking a few times he quickly became aware of his surroundings, he was sitting… in a ship’s cargo hold?
The cowboy’s eyes went wide, “Craig?! Are you alright??”
Sitting across from him was Craig, beat up, and bound to a large crate. He stirred for a moment before he groggily looked up at one of his partners.
“…What happened? Last I remember was a fight-“
“No clue, man! I- Wait.” Tweek’s vision darted around the room. It was just them and that fact only made him panic more. “Where’s Kenny?!”
Craig slowly glanced around the room, he sighed. “Hopefully the guy’s alright. Not much we can do right now.”
Tweek knew Craig was right, but nonetheless his gaze continued to frantically scan the room. Maybe he just missed something.
“Morning! Hope the trip wasn’t too harsh on you.” Rang out a voice from across the dimly lit room.
Kenny stirred in his seat then stilled once again. That is until said person struck the chair he was bound to. He suddenly sat upright,
“Wh- what the hell...“ He blinked a few times before his gaze settled on the figure in front of him.
Tolkien smiled widely, “It’s great to see you again Kenny. Sorry for the… rude awakening- Oh, and the ropes. It’s for my own safety, you know?”
Kenny remained silent, glaring daggers.
His captor didn’t seem all too pleased with his response, “Not much for conversation? Fine.”
He suddenly lurched forward, holding a butcher’s cleaver to Kenny’s neck. Despite this, somehow, the cowboy didn’t move a muscle.
Getting a closer look at Tolkien, Kenny noticed his bright purple apron. It was stained with blood, “Do you know who I am?”
“Yeah, yeah, I know who you are.” Kenny finally broke his silence, feeling the blade gently press against his skin.
“Tell me. Or should I go ask your two friends instead?”
Kenny’s eyes went wide, then continued to glare daggers at the other. He took a deep breath, exhaling it almost sounded like a hiss. “Tolkien Black. Used to be a doctor, but now you’re a fucking batcase of a butcher.”
“Butcher?” Tolkien leaned back, cleaver still in hand, he looked more than happy with that answer. “So, that’s what they’re calling me now…” He walked to a nearby table as he spoke. There laid more of his ‘tools’ as he called them, all of which were just as stained as the owner’s garish apron.
He turned on his heels, leaning on the table, and smiling widely. “Has a nice ring doesn’t it?”
“Why am I here?”
Tolkien rolled his eyes, “You know why. You Can’t Die- At least that’s what I found out last time we spoke. Remember?”
Kenny’s brows furrowed in thought. He vaguely remembers meeting this loon before, but it was all just as foggy as their trip to the saloon yesterday.
The butcher sighed, “You came back from the grave on my operating table, and with no pulse to boot! You still don’t have one. I checked.”
Kenny’s long dead heart visibly sunk, “Huh? I- er have no clue what you’re talking about-“
“Bullshit.” Tolkien suddenly swung, embedding the clever into Kenny’s hand. Despite the attack Kenny didn’t seem at all phased, didn’t even flinch. “You don’t feel pain.”
“Fine. You got me.” The cowboy sighed, his gaze settled on his own split hand. No blood as expected, just a clean cut. “What do you want?”
Tolkien leaned forward, speaking in a cold and calculated tone. “I want to know how you tick.”
The phrase “flirting with death” was all too familiar to those who visited purgatory. Not everyone stops here on their one way trip to the afterlife, but Kenny? He was all too familiar with it.
“God fucking damnit.” Kenny muttered under his breath.
In front of him stood the Bone Tired saloon, and nothing in any other direction for what he knew to be infinity. He’s tried walking away from the dusty old ass building before, but every other direction took him back to the same destination.
One of the gods wanted a word with him- Which one was the part he was worried about.
After a long moment of staring at the sign, he finally stepped foot into the saloon itself. It was almost entirely empty, but he didn’t get much of a chance to look around. Jimmy, the bartender, waved him over with a smile.
“W- want the u usually, Kenny?” He had a skeletal look to him, which didn’t shock the blond haired cowboy in the slightest. Everyone here does- Except the gods themselves, but who’s surprised.
Kenny nodded, sitting down at the bar and setting his own beat up old hat aside.
Jimmy set to making Kenny’s drink, he quirked a brow, “Nasty d- death this time?
“Kidnapped.”
“OH- Ye yeah, I c-can see why ya look so beat.” He set a drink down beside the tired cowboy. “Here o- on the hous-“
Before he could even finish his joke, Kenny picked up and downed the entire mug. He set the now empty glass aside, “Isn’t everything here free, Jim?”
Jimmy chuckled, “Mhm, o- only co cost is the ticket tah enter.”
Kenny smiled up at him, the tiredness only growing more obvious by the minute. “Give me another.”
“Coming r- right up!”
As Jimmy went to get Kenny another (stronger) drink, someone sat down beside the exhausted cowboy.
“Life treating you alright, old chap?
Kenny looked over just to see Pip brandishing a soft smile. He was the only “living” looking thing in this saloon, and just as chipper as ever. His clean and put together attire clashing hard with the busted boards and abandoned cobwebs around them.
“Well, I’m here aren’t I? You tell me.” Kenny, jokingly, elbowed Pip just to earn a hardy chuckle in turn.
“Weeelll- You’re being gutted as we speak. So, a pretty gruesome one, your usual track record aside.”
Jimmy came back with two drinks in hand, one for each of his guests. “G- gutted? Damn. Whatcha really get get into this time, Ken?”
Right as he sat down the drink Kenny already started downing it again.
Jimmy continued, “Is It r- related to my livin’ business? Kn- know somethin’ scarred Jimmie half to death.” He chuckled.
Kenny slammed the mug down on the counter, harder than he intended, it cracked the glass. He muttered an apology before he spoke, “Shootout. Don’t remember it too well, but-“
He took a shaky breath, “Tweek and Craig are still on that damn ship.”
“They’re alive at least!” Pip said before his expression lost his usual demeanor, he couldn’t lie to Kenny here. He turned away from the other, fidgeting with his still full mug.
Kenny turned in his seat to look at Pip properly, “…They’re going to die aren’t they?”
Jimmy coughed, “Damien already left to check on them.”
Pip nodded, putting his head in his hands.
“Damien?!” Kenny reverberated as his gaze darted between the two, he couldn’t believe they were serious. “Is he…”
“He’s going to offer them a deal.” The old god sighed, finally looking up again at Kenny, his smile looked forced. “They’ll get a second chance like you did.”
“But I got that chance from You. Doesn’t Damien make slimy deals?!”
Pip looked to Jimmy, “Can you get him a pitcher, my friend? We’re going to be here a while.” Jimmy nodded, going to do as requested.
Kenny meanwhile was just, equally baffled and terrified. “…Am I not coming back from this?”
“You will.” Pip said as he finally downed his own glass. He let his mug shatter against the floor behind them, the pieces mysteriously vanishing as they disperse. “But, I can’t promise it’s a pleasant fate...”
The old god oddly seemed to get a bit choked up, but suddenly pushed back his own tears. His expression became almost blank for a brief moment.
“I can bring you back, that's it. I don’t get to choose where, rules are rules, as per your contract.” He states in an almost monotonous tone.
Kenny nodded along as he spoke, the reality of the situation dawning on him.
This was the first time he wished he could stay in the saloon for longer.
Tweek and Craig remained tied up in the ship’s hull for what felt like weeks. Occasionally they had been offered what looked to be food, but they wouldn’t dare eat any of it. They knew of the ship’s reputation thus the idea of partaking in any of it made their stomachs turn.
It was a ship of cannibals.
They thought they’d be next on the menu until suddenly, one day, the ship’s captain ordered they drop the anchor out at sea. Not long after first mate Nathan peaked his way into the cargo hold.
“Well, gentlemen, looks like your voyage ends today.”
Tweek perked up, “W- we get to leave?…”
Nathan rolled his eyes, “Depends how you define leave-“
Craig suddenly interjected, he was livid. If looks could kill Nathan would be dead where he stood, “YOU FUCKERS ARE GOING TO THROW US OVERBOARD!”
What?!?” Tweek’s face went pale before the panic set in.
Nathan chuckled, “Mimsy, escort these two upstairs. The captain’s waiting for their… Departure.”
Right as his name was mentioned Mimsy, the crew’s hired muscle, stepped into view. “On it, Boss.”
The pair wasted no time escorting their prisoners to the upper deck. Craig put up one hell of a fight- He almost managed to escape Mimsy’s grip a few times. Not like that would do anything however; he had nowhere to go. Tweek on the other hand resigned himself to his fate. At least they weren’t going to be on this boat forever, but a watery grave is far from a positive.
They’re escorted to the starboard side of the ship where Captain Wendy had been waiting for them.
“Long time no see, hm?” She said to Tweek and Craig with a soft smile.
Her laissez faire approach to their death shook Tweek to his core. Meanwhile, Craig quickly became a screaming mess. Just a long rant of angry profanities until they bound his mouth shut.
Wendy ignored his screams, her gaze looking to the water below. It would be a perfect day for sailing otherwise, the slight wind was pleasant.
She took a long breath then looked to Mimsy and Nathan. Her tone quickly shifted on a dime from sweet to extremely cold and sterile.
“Throw them over.”
Jimmy was alone yet again, idly tending to the saloon placed on the fine line between life and death. He didn’t mind it honestly, but he did much prefer his living establishment. Can’t exactly crack jokes to a nonexistent audience- It never felt the same.
A deal’s a deal though so he keeps his end of the bargain. Getting pulled down here to tend to passers by or the gods themselves. Thus he’s all too familiar with Pip, the god of- He honestly isn’t sure. Never thought to ask.
Damien however; Jimmy knew his title. God of death outright and he flaunted it the few times they spoke. Usually, when he stopped by, it meant he had a new deal in mind.
Today was no different.
The bartender didn’t need to speak to Damien properly to see what was coming. Some poor saps are going to get roped into being a god’s pawn. Not like he could talk, but he wishes he could warn them…
He poured a large pitcher of their strongest drink for Damien’s table in advance. They’ll need it; he’s sure of that.
Craig never was a fan of the open ocean, and this new… experience certainly only worsened that. He tried his damndest to somehow escape his binds as he sank to the bottom of the sea, but it was no use.
His screams were muffled by the water above them. No one (alive) outside of the pirate crew knew of their fate.
Just as soon as his consciousness faded did he wake up somewhere new. He jolted upright, immediately noticing the faded saloon in front of him- that wasn’t the important thing on his mind. He didn’t die alone.
“Tweek? Tweek?!” Craig’s vision darted around frantically before the blond he was looking for caught his eye. Seems he was just waking up too. He didn’t give his partner even a moment to catch his bearings; Tackling and pulling him into a bear hug.
Craig quickly became a mess of muttered apologies, he wishes he could’ve prevented this… Despite his worries, Tweek simply still being there helped calm his nerves.
“It’ll be ok, I promise” Tweek stated before finally getting a look at their surroundings, “Wh- where are we?
“...I’m not sure.” Craig blinked a few times before finally getting a look at the saloon. “…Bone Tired?”
Tweek followed Craig’s line of sight to the old building before them.
“…Craig?”
“What?” Craig looked back at his partner- Tweek was staring back at him; stunned. Almost in unison the same reality dawned on the both of them. Tweek was still Tweek, of course, but he looked skeletal. “So, we did die-“
“Mhm, d- dead as a bag of bricks!” Said Jimmy, greeting them from the saloon’s entrance.
Tweek flinched, “Jimmy?!”
Craig turned to look at the bartender, eyeing him head to toe, “…You’re a skeleton too.”
Jimmy nodded, “Y-yup! I’m I’m just as dead as y’all are. Looong st- story I got there.” He turned to go inside the building, gesturing for them to follow. “C’mon we can talk inside.”
The pair were reluctant to follow him, but it’s not like they had any other option.
“Every direction had the same destination.”
Tweek’s heard Kenny say that about this place before. Didn’t believe him up until this moment, and despite them both hearing the same stories, Craig kept trying to leave. He watched his partner pick a direction and just started walking. Everytime, as expected, he came back around to the saloon’s entrance. Every time only made him further set on his decision.
Tweek sighed, “Craig. Let’s just go inside, man.” He said as he started making his way to the door, he didn’t want to give the stubborn cowboy a chance to argue. He loves him dearly, but they were quite literally, going in circles.
Craig wanted to argue clearly, but resigned himself to their fate. He followed close behind Tweek, reaching for his partner’s hand as they finally stepped foot in the saloon properly.
Craig expected to get answers from Jimmy, but that hope was short lived.
Their friend had moved to take his usual spot behind the bar, meanwhile, sitting in front of them was what looked to be a black haired pirate.
The figure waved the pair over to his table, with a clawed hand, and a sharp toothed grin. Craig already didn’t like the guy, and didn’t bother hiding it in the slightest. His presence was clearly freaking out Tweek- That alone was enough of a reason to piss him off, but he kept it civil for now. He had no leverage over them anyway.
Despite Craig’s distrust and Tweek’s anxiety; the pair sat down at the table. They didn’t have anywhere else to go- Why postpone the inevitable?
“Would either of you like a drink?” The man gestured to a bottle he was holding.
Tweek squinted at the label, “…Cyanide?”
Craig ignored his offer, “Who are you and where are we?”
“Getting down to it.” The pirate chuckled, “The name’s Damien Thorn. Welcome to Purgatory.”
“What?!” Tweek’s focus on the bottle quickly snapped instead to Damien.
“You died.” Damien started as he set down the bottle. He picked up the pitcher and poured them both a drink. “Where else would you go?”
Craig glared at the man, “Where else can we go?”
The anxious cowboy eyed the now full mug in front of him, “…Is this a- also poison?”
Damien ignored Tweek’s question, taking a sip from his bottle of cyanide, “Up. That is if you’re willing to hear me out.”
Craig quirked a brow, “Hear you out?“ He asked clearly not trusting any of what Damien has said. He wasn’t the best at social cues by a mile, Craig knew that about himself, and yet it was plain as day the man was plotting something. Maybe not lying outright, by omission however? He was certain-
The pirate nodded, “You want to help Kenny don’t you?”
The name immediately caught the pair’s attention.
“Kenny…” Craig repeated under his breath, clearly stunned at him even being mentioned. Before he could piece together his feelings on the topic; Tweek beat him to the punch.
“HE’S ALIVE?!”
“He isn’t here is he?” Damien chuckled.
“He’s st- still captured tho though.” Said Jimmy from behind the bar.
Damien turned to subtly glare at the bartender, he didn’t look too happy about the man chiming in. He sighed, turning once again to face the pair, “I have an offer.”
Out of thin air the pirate laid out what looked to be two contracts, the worlds were in a long dead language neither recognized, “I’ll give you a second lease on life- IF you can free Kenny McCormick.”
Craig’s gaze shifted focus to his contract, trying his best to piece together what little he could understand. He wanted to help Kenny, absolutely, but this seemed far too good to be true, “…What’s the catch-“
Before he could even finish his sentence, Tweek signed his copy.
Craig simply stared at the signed contract, wide eyed, he was speechless.
“We n- need to help Kenny!” Said Tweek, clearly beginning to panic. His contract vanished as soon as he set down his pen.
Tweek knew full well it was a brash decision, but he couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing Kenny again. They were a trio! Er- used to be. They traveled everywhere together, and their small group is what made the harsh desert just barely tolerable.
Their group had a balance to it. Craig’s down to earth statements mixed with Kenny’s humor helped keep Tweek sane- At least that’s how he saw it.
The moment Damien offered to save Kenny in the deal he made his mind up. It was only after he signed, after he agreed to the god’s terms, did he immediately regret his decision.
Damien smirked at Craig, “Does the catch matter now?”
Craig gritted his teeth, glaring at the man in front of him. He hated how Damien was right; it didn’t matter to him now. Fine print aside he wasn’t going to let Tweek handle this alone…
He, reluctantly, picked up the pen and signed on the dotted line.
Immediately after they both signed; the pair vanished. Jimmy was once again left with only a god in his dead end bar.
“You d- didn’t explain any anything.” Jimmy stated, side eyeing the god of death.
Damien stood up from his chair, turning to glare at the bartender, “I said what I needed to.”
“To m make a bullshit d- dea d- offer.”
The pirate was quickly losing patience, Jimmy could tell as much. He knew how much Damien absolutely hated gods talking back to him. A mortal doing the same? That made the man’s blood boil.
“You’re lucky you have a contract.” Damien snapped at him.
Jimmy rolled his eyes, “L- lucky I did didn’t make a deal w- with your sorry ass.” As he finished his statement, he ducked.
Just as he expected, Damien’s bottle shattered against the wall. Thankfully he didn’t have to clean up after the god’s current tantrum. The shards of glass simply vanished as they clattered to the floor.
From there Jimmy ignored the man’s ranting. Only issue on his mind was hopefully, just maybe, the pair were alright.