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The Hogwarts Express was packed to the brim by the time Severus made it into the train, and it was another growing reason for his annoyance and frustration. He knew it was mostly his fault that he’d gotten in later than everyone else but that didn’t mean he couldn’t still feel irked by the number of students who were still trying to pick and choose where they could sit. They’d had an hour at least, he figured as he glanced at the old watch on his wrist, but rather than pick a seating arrangement they’d instead stood by other students’ compartments, chatting away nonsensically.
But, as mad as he was at the crowd of boys and girls that stood blocking the pathway, Severus could not push back the overwhelming sense of nostalgia that hit him now. He remembered his first time stepping aboard the train in his first year; he’d been so rattled at the how big and full the train was. The anxiousness, however, had quickly dissipated when Lily had joined him in the search to find good seats. Their first compartment had been rather unfortunate, he recalled bitterly. It had been where he’d been acquainted with none other than the infamous Potter and Black duo. After they’d thrown insults and Lily had marched him outside, the two had ventured further into the train.
And it had been this particular occasion that they had come to discover the secret compartments on the other end of the train. Hidden away by intimidating coils of wire hanging above the train tops and the sudden sparks that’d shoot out of them was an entire undiscovered cabin. A man who was stood there had stopped to ask them what they’d wanted. Severus vaguely remembered Lily telling the man they wanted someplace quiet to sit since it was their first year and they were very nervous about the entire thing.
The man had relaxed and had led them to the almost-end section of the train.
”Feel free to sit here,” he had said as he motioned to them a lone compartment, with one of the kindest smiles Severus had ever seen, “I call this the corner-compartment. My wife and I usually enjoy the ride from here because of how much bigger the seats are. And the windows as well.”
”Oh, sorry,” Lily had immediately said. “We could sit elsewhere if you'd like.”
But the man had waved them off, telling them it was time someone else learned to admire the beauty of the Hogwarts Express. And he had been right. Not only were the seats magically more spacious but the windows were wider so the view was just that much better. Elated, the two had promised to never reveal the secret compartment to anyone ever, and that it was where they’d sit whenever they rode in the Hogwarts Express.
This second part of the promise was kept well until Severus’ and Lily’s fifth year, where they’d decided to each sit with their own friends. But they had kept the first promise tightly and sat in the compartments in the front of the train. By the end of the fifth year, Lily and Severus’ friendship had ended which meant they no longer had the need to ever occupy the compartment again.
“Hullo there!”
Severus stopped in his tracks, looking up to see the Trolley Witch beaming down at him. As he looked around, he realized he had absent-mindedly crossed his way to the end of the train.
”Oh, sorry,” Severus apologized half-heartedly. “The other compartments were quite full so I just thought-I’ll just go, I think-“
”Don’t you worry about that at all, love! Come on, there’s plenty of space back here-come on!” she said, ushering him to squeeze past her. “Just pick a spot, don’t be shy!”
Severus muttered a soft thanks and went directly towards the corner-compartment. As he placed his hand of the door to slide it open, he heard the witch giggle a little.
He shifted in his step, brows in a frown as he looked round at her.
”Is something funny? I can go in here, can’t I?” he asked, scowling.
”Of course you can,” she said, smiling. “Oh, I hope I haven’t offended you, love. It’s just-well, that’s where my husband and I used to sit together after doing my rounds. It’s really a wonderful seat. The c-“
”-Corner-compartment,” Severus finished, dumbstruck. “I think I know your husband. He was the one who showed the place to us.”
She chuckled rather fondly. “He did, did he? Bless his heart…he was always saying he wanted to ask one of you kids to come round back here. Thought it was a waste that some children spend seven years riding the train back and forth but never knew the true beauty of this place. Nice to see it isn’t.”
At this point, Severus looked around at the other compartments around. “Sorry, isn’t he around?”
The trolley witch gave a rather sad smile. “Passed on, I’m afraid. Just a little over a year ago. Had a lot of love to give, that one. But he was pretty ill and I don’t think he minded to go one bit.”
”Oh…” Severus said awkwardly. “Sorry for your loss, then.”
”Thank you, love. You wouldn’t want anything from the trolley, would you?”
”No, thank you,” he said and with a firm nod, Severus headed into the compartment with a soft sigh.
The air inside was chilly and Severus was briefly reminded of the Slytherin common room. It was rather comforting and he did have a scarf around him so the cold wasn’t too much of a bother. He sat in the seat closest to the window and sighed again.
He hadn’t really imagined himself to be a sentimental person, growing up. This was mostly because there wasn't really anything to be sentimental about. His dad was an absent father, but Severus preferred that to his occasional temperamental and violent nature. His mother, when she’d been alive, had spent most of her time being ill or crying about being wedded to an abusive drunkard. But he did care for his mother, especially because he knew how she had done all she could to take care of him. But the only memories he cherished were of his time spent at the school, even though he’d spent a fair amount of it being pushed around by rivals and jealous schoolmates.
In fact, his sentimentality was what had gotten him on the train so late. This was his last year and he didn’t think he’d ever have another reason to come to Hogwarts again. He had sat there in his room, realising how he’d have to leave this entire life behind. When it was clear to him that he would be leaving his real home behind, Severus had lagged behind. While his friends spent their last morning stretching out onto the grass or having a heavy breakfast in the Great Hall, Severus had given himself a last tour around the castle. His last stop had been at the greenhouse and by the time he arrived at the train, he was an hour late. A small part of him had even hoped it would leave him behind so he could secretly stay at the castle for another year.
But Hagrid had spotted him from a mile away and had yelled at him to hurry. Severus had quietly cursed the gamekeeper as he was pushed onto the train with light nags.
”Oh, another one! How lovely!”
Severus looked up at the sound of the trolley witch outside only to meet eyes with Lily Evans, who was plastered outside of the compartment. Her own eyes were wide, as if she were horrified to have met him here.
Severus half-expected Lily to turn away and sit in another compartment. To his surprise and horror, she slid the door open and stepped in. As she did, the strap of the bag she had across her body snapped, dropping the bag and it’s contents over the floor.
Severus quickly bent over and began to pick them up hastily, cleverly avoiding eye contact with her as he did. But every time he tried to hand her something, he would evade her touch until she finally snapped, “Just leave it!”
Startled, Severus got back on his feet, watching Lily helplessly.
”Sorry, I forgot you don’t like filthy Mudbloods touching you. Must be poison to you lot.”
Severus felt his heart lurch as her words pierced his ears. She did not look up at him until she had picked everything up and put it into her bag. She gave him a rather seething glare before sitting in the seat opposite him.
”That’s not-it wasn’t my intention- I just didn’t think you’d want me to-“ he spluttered incoherently, trying to find the right words to convince her.
Though Lily did not say anything, Severus could see her face soften a little. He had known her long enough to recognize the guilty expression on her face.
After an uncomfortably long silence, Severus got up.
”I’ll leave, sorry,” he said.
”Why?” Lily asked, her gaze unfaltering. “Scared to be in the same room as a Mudblood, are you? Or are you scared your little Death Eater friends won’t let you join their club if they found out?”
Her tone was harsh and Severus wanted nothing more than to be alone again.
”I just don’t want any trouble,” he murmured as he made to go.
”For me? Or for you?”
Severus could not hold back anymore.
”I’m leaving you alone, Lily. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
”Oh, don’t try to be the bigger man. You were here first, weren’t you?” she snapped. “You stay, I’ll leave. There’s load more places to sit anyway. I don't know why I even bothered-”
”Don’t,” Severus said. “Just…just stay here.”
The anger in Lily’s face was replaced with a sudden grimace. She settled back and pointed to the seat he’d occupied just a minute ago.
”Might as well sit down too. It’s unfair of me to make you leave when you were here first. And I promise…I won’t say another word to you.”
Another insult lingered at the tip of her tongue, Severus knew, but she did not say anything more. Knowing this would not bode well for either of them, Severus took his seat again.
A half hour passed with Severus staring out the window gloomily, wishing the train would reach King’s Cross already while Lily poured over a late edition of the Daily Prophet. The silence, while normal for Severus, quickly became overwhelming for Lily who slammed the newspaper onto her lap and looked at him.
”I’m sorry but did you know the Trolley Witch’s husband is the man who showed us these seats?” she asked, her voice bursting with a strange excitement. Upon noticing his blank expression, her tone turned dejected. “Did you know?”
”Only just now,” Severus replied with a shrug. “She told me he died last year.”
Lily’s smile fell and she stared down at the ground. “Oh…did she say how?”
”He was…sick, I think,” Severus replied, starting to feel a little hot. He began to unwind his scarf and did his best not to look up at her. He had a feeling he knew exactly what she was going to say next.
”I heard about your mum,” she said softly. “About what happened. I’m sorry…”
Severus let the silence stretch out, gathering himself the best he could. “Right, yeah.”
”I am sorry,” she said again, “if I’d known a little earlier I might’ve even asked if I could attend her funeral…”
”There wasn’t one,” Severus said, stone-faced.
”Wasn’t one what?”
”Funeral,” he replied. “By the time they found her, she was in pretty bad shape. They had her buried immediately-the people from the hospital, I mean...thought it'd be horrible if they let her rot any longer. The neighbors had a little gathering…but that was it. By the time I arrived back home...there's wasn't really anything left for me to do. And it's not like I could afford a nice funeral for her, anyway."
”You couldn’t afford? Where-where was your dad?”
Severus laughed coldly. “He'd been gone two weeks and left her to die alone. He hasn't been back home since, I expect."
”What?” Lily gasped. “And you’ve been on your own since then? This whole time?”
”Not all the time. Just during the summer holidays…the rest of the time I’m up at Hogwarts so it isn’t really a problem.”
“But we’re done with Hogwarts, aren’t we? Where are you supposed to go now?”
Severus sneered. “I’ll go wherever I have to to survive. The Malfoys’ offered me a room to stay over if I wanted-“
“The Malfoys'?” she asked in disapproval.
Severus knew then whatever hope he’d had of mending their friendship in this compartment vanished the second he had mentioned the Malfoys. Lily was the most intelligent witch he knew, and she certainly knew who the Malfoys’ were and with whom they were associated with.
”Well, at least your friends are taking care of you…it’s the least they could do after what they intend to ask of you.”
”And what exactly is that?” Severus asked, his temper beginning to show.
”You know what,” she said, briefly glancing down at his arm. “Or have you already done it?”
Severus flushed a deep red. “That’s none of your business, is it? You made it pretty clear you want nothing to do with me.”
”You know why I wanted nothing to do with you!” Lily hissed.
”I told you-I told you it was a mistake!”
”No, it wasn’t! I wish you’d stop lying to yourself, Severus-“
”-I’m not! I didn’t mean to say it, I swear.”
”To me,” said Lily grimly. “You say it to every other Muggleborn except me-and don’t deny it because I’ve heard you.”
Any argument Severus had had gotten stuck in his throat as he stared at her weakly. He did not know what they were doing in this moment, nor did he understand why neither fixing their friendship or ending it entirely was an option for them. In the end, it was the sort of fight that couldn’t ever be resolved, even if they wanted to.
”You know why I’m mad at you, don’t you?” she asked.
”Because of what I said.”
Lily scoffed, almost laughing in disbelief at him.
”I’m not angry because you called me a Mudblood, Severus. I’m angry because after everything, I wasn’t enough for you.”
Severus sighed loudly. “What are you talking about?”
”I’d have thought…after everything we’ve been through…you do realize how devastating it is to find out your best friend in the whole world wants to join a group of people who want to kill people for the way they were born? Do you understand how-how heartbreaking it is?” she said, her voice cracking. “I thought…I thought I meant something to you!”
His own throat felt constricted when he gazed at her. Her lovely green eyes were brimming with tears and it almost hurt to look at her.
”You mean the world,” he whispered. “And more.”
At this, Lily began to cry earnestly, her hands covering her face.
”Then why do you want me dead?” she asked through muffled sobs. “Why do you want my parents dead?”
”I don’t,” he said, shaking his head. “I’d never do that…not to you or anyone else.”
Lily looked up at his, her face red and blotchy. “You don’t believe that. Tell me you don’t truly believe that.”
”Lily, I swear,” Severus said firmly, “I’m not going to kill anyone. I’d never do that.”
”But your friends would,” she said, sitting back up. She wiped her face on the side of her sleeve and stared at him. “What will you do, I wonder, if one of your friends end up killing me?”
”I won’t let that happen,” he said. “I swear-they won’t be able to touch you-“
”Do you think I find that impressive? Are you trying to convince me or yourself? Because you listen to me, Severus Snape, your so-called master will not be sparing anyone in his path and especially not for you. What he wants, he takes. So your empty promises mean nothing to me.”
”You don’t understand,” he said blankly. “You have no idea who he is…the kind of man he is…when I tell him about you…he’ll give me his word, Lily. He won’t let anything happen to you. That's one of the reasons I think his cause is worth something.”
"Is having thousands of people dead for their blood status another reason?"
"It's not like that-it's not what it's about-"
Lily laughed cruelly. “They’ve turned you against all reason, haven’t you? You must be naïve if you truly believe that. No, not even naïve. Just plain stupid.”
They didn’t say anything for a while after that. Lily’s words hung over in the air and as much as he hated to admit it, he knew it was true. The Dark Lord had made his purpose clear; he wanted a world free of Muggles, Muggleborns and blood traitors. It would be too much of a dream to hope Lily would be spared.
”I know I disgust you,” he said, his face turning red.
”What?”
”I know I disgust you,” Severus repeated. “That’s the only reason I avoided touching you earlier. I know you’d feel sick if I did. It’s also why I wanted to leave you here on your own.”
”You don’t disgust me-“
”It’s alright,” he said firmly. “You believe the same of my friends, don’t you? So I’m no different.”
He could see the color rise in Lily’s face at his words.
”And I did mean it when I said I was sorry. I never should’ve called you that word. It was wrong and I admit that. But I can't just drop all of my friends because you think they aren't very good people. Because they are to me. When you asked me to leave you alone, I respected that. But my friends were there for me...all of them. They aren't just my friends...they're my family...mine. So, if I have to sell my soul to keep them with me, that’s what I’ll do. I hope you can respect that, at least.”
”Your friends are going to get you killed,” she seethed.
“So are yours,” Severus snapped. “I hear you and your boyfriend are joining Dumbledore’s army. Congratulations.”
”You expect me to sit still and watch while innocent people get slaughtered in the streets instead?”
”If you want my protection-“
”I don’t need your protection,” she said hollowly. “If you think I’m too weak to defend myself-“
”You don’t know what they’re like. The Death Eaters-they’re trained to use dark magic. Your lot won’t stand a chance-“
“-if I die, Severus, it’ll be because I died fighting for what’s right. The same can’t be said for you lot.”
”Is there a problem here?”
Severus and Lily both turned to see Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew's faces pressed against the glass door of the compartment.
“Did you tell them about this place?” Severus asked accusingly.
”No!” she exclaimed. “Of course not!”
To Severus’ horror, the door opened and the four boys entered the compartment which had been almost empty a moment earlier.
Severus made to stand but Black stood guard at the door, blocking his only exit. As anxious as he was, he knew Potter wouldn’t do anything while Lily was in there with them.
“I said,” Potter replied, slumping next to Lily and throwing his arms around her shoulders, “is there a problem?”
”No,” said Severus.
”No,” said Lily.
As though pleased with the answer, Potter turned to Lily and kissed her, much to her slight annoyance.
Severus looked away at Lupin who seemed rather uncomfortable with it all. Black and Pettigrew, however, were quite happily jeering at Severus.
“I’d better go,” Severus replied, standing up.
”James, enough,” said Lily as Potter leaned in for another kiss. She swatted away at him though her lips twitched slightly. “What are you doing here?”
Potter scowled at Severus. “Look here, Snape, you’ve put her in a terrible mood, haven’t you? Did you say something to upset her?”
”Yeah, did you?” Pettigrew asked.
”I'm not at liberty to tell you anything. If you don’t mind, I’d just like to leave.”
Potter stuck his leg out to block Severus from moving.
”James,” Lily said warningly. "Leave him alone. I asked what you were doing here."
”Just came to check on you, is all,” Potter said, stretching his arms up in the air. “I asked the Trolley Witch if she’d seen a gorgeous red-haired seventh year around and she told us you were with a friend. Naturally, I got curious-“
“-and so thankful that you were, too,” replied Pettigrew with a disapproving shake of his head. “Can’t imagine what would’ve happened if you’d left her alone with Snivellus.”
“How touching,” Severus said sarcastically. “Your boyfriends have come to rescue you. And here you just were, accusing me of thinking you were too weak to defend yourself. Really got yourself a catch, haven’t you?”
”Shut up, Snivellus,” said Black roughly.
Severus’ fist was already balled up at his sides, waiting for the right moment to draw his wand up against Black and Potter.
”Calm down, won’t you, mate?” said James quickly. “I thought we agreed not to use that word?”
Black bowed mockingly, placing his hand on his chest. “Right, yeah, sorry about that, Snape.”
Severus flinched at the way Black had said if, knowing full well it was all an act in front of Lily.
”Nasty name, isn’t it? Snivellus. An awful name to be called. Terrible nickname.”
”You came up with it,” said Severus pointedly.
”Did I?” James asked sheepishly. “It’s a little clever, I'll admit. But awful all the same."
"Duly noted," Severus replied. "Now, get out of my way, Black, or I'll make you."
"Hold on there, Snape-"
Potter had suddenly moved to grab Severus' shoulder and he had flinched in response. Severus jumped away, his legs colliding with Lupin's and his wand out in the air.
"Woah, hold on there! I'm not-"
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Severus yelled.
"Alright, alright," Potter exclaimed as Lily finally stood up.
Severus eyed them all. Lupin, as usual, had his eyes painted conveniently towards a small corner of the room. Pettigrew was sneering and jeering, as though he were hoping a fight would break out. Black had his hand in his pockets, quite obviously prepared for a fight-if there was one.
Lily, however, had her hands stretched out between both Severus and Potter, as if still deciding who she wanted to defend.
There was a hard knock against the glass door and everyone turned towards it. The door pushed open to reveal Mulciber, Avery, Goyle and Regulus. Severus’ heart leapt in his chest for a moment, knowing if a fight did break out, it wouldn’t be an unfair one anymore. His friends had come to his defense.
”What the hell are you doing here?” the older Black snapped at his brother. “I thought I made it clear you were to stop hanging around them?”
”Yeah?” Avery leered. “What are you gonna do about that, Black? You gonna tell on him to his mum?”
Goyle cackled loudly, clapping his hands like a seal out of water until Mulciber threw him a rancid glare.
”Look, there’s no need for anyone to do anything right now,” Lupin said, finally standing up to join the others. “Why don’t we just…all go our separate ways?”
Severus scoffed. “Finally got a spine now that your friends are outnumbered, haven’t you? Coward.”
“Don’t you dare talk to him like that!” Black roared.
But before Severus could raise his hand, Mulciber had charged towards him.
”Enough!” Lily screamed. “Will you all just stop?”
”You all heard the Mudblood,” said Avery with a grin. “Pipe down now.”
”Don’t,” Severus started. “Not right now, Aves. I told you.”
Avery looked at Severus, gobsmacked at his response.
”You’re not serious? After what we’ve talked about-?”
”Come on, Aves-“
”No, no, you heard him boys. Let’s leave him with his new friends,” Avery barked, pointing at Mulciber, who had his fingers grasping Black’s clothes roughly, and then pointing at the exit. Avery stomped away first and then Goyle followed, spitting as he did.
Mulciber released Black, baring his teeth and then walking towards the door. He stopped however and turned back to Severus with a concerned look. “You sure you’ll be alright? You could always come sit with us, you know.”
Severus nodded feebly and watched as the youngest Black remained behind.
“We’re near the front of the train,” Regulus added. “We saved a seat for you but you didn’t turn up. Mulciber and Avery got a little worried.
”I’m fine. Or, I was fine, at least,” Severus replied, glancing round at Potter and his friends.
Regulus said nothing more than a long shrug before he too vanished from Severus’ sight.
”I think you lot should leave too,” Lily said suddenly. “It’s getting a bit crowded and the only reason I came here was to get a round of fresh air.”
Potter scowled. “I’d prefer if you got your fresh air anywhere other than near him.”
”And I’d prefer if you didn’t tell me what to do, James.”
”You’re different with me when you’re around him, you know?” Potter muttered, running his hands through his hair. “You’re mean to me and I can’t understand why. I just don’t like leaving you alone with…him. You know what he’s like-“
”I’m pretty sure I could handle him on my own, thanks. I’ll see you when we get to King’s Cross.”
Lily had crossed her arms and Severus knew nothing Potter said could change her mind. Knowing this, he marched past them rather noisily.
”Git,” he said as he passed Severus.
”Prat,” Severus called back.
Pettigrew went next, deliberately trying to knock into Severus and failing spectacularly. Black followed, roaring with laughter at how Pettigrew had almost crashed into the ground. Lupin had cleared his throat awkwardly and apologised before leaving. And then it was just the two of them again, Severus and Lily.
”I’m sorry,” said Severus. “I didn’t mean to start a fight.”
”It’s alright,” Lily replied, dropping her arms to her sides. “You weren’t the one who started it.”
”You’d better go. Your boyfriend seems a little hurt ,” Severus mocked.
”He’s not all that bad, you know,” Lily said defensively. “Sure he comes off a little arrogant and pushy…but he is a good guy.”
Severus made a disparaging noise in the back of his throat.
“And your friends? I expect they’re waiting to hear why you came to my defence.”
Severus shrugged. “They know it’s a lost battle when it comes to…”
His voice trailed away but his reddening face pushed Lily to ask, “When it comes to what?”
”Well, you,” he said.
Lily blushed hard.
”You said you came here to get some fresh air,” Severus said quickly, hoping the awkwardness would dissipate.
”I did,” she replied.
”Are you still intending to?”
“I do.”
He nodded.
”And was that the only reason you came here?” he asked again, his breath hitched.
”No,” she said in a rather genuine tone. “No, it’s not…I suppose the real reason why I came here was because I hoped you might be in here.”
Somewhere, the train’s wheels creaked and groaned under the sudden speed it had picked up just then.
“I think I came here because I hoped you’d be here too,” said Severus.
They stared at each other, both still standing across from another.
”Did you…were you hoping we’d be friends again?” Severus asked, hopefully. His hope shattered a second later.
”No,” she said. “I don’t see the point of it.”
He frowned.
”We’re at war, Sev,” she said, her voice cracking. “One day you and me will be across from each other and we’ll be on different sides. I can’t pretend that isn’t the truth…I won’t pretend anymore. I don’t think I could bear that.”
”We don’t have to choose, then. If you join you-know-who…if you tell him you’ll fight for him, he’ll let you in. I know he would.”
”I’d rather die.”
”I don’t want you to.”
”It’s inevitable, Severus,” she said sadly. “There’ll come a time when you’ll have to decide between saving me or your friends…”
”You know who I’ll choose,” he said. She knew, he thought.
She shook her head weakly. “You can’t just want to save me and let everyone else like me die. It doesn’t work like that. Every Muggleborn that dies is the same as me dying. I am them and they are me. You can’t just pick and choose who you want dead or alive.”
It wasn’t fair, thought Severus. He kicked at the seat a few times before sitting down again, his hands buried in his face.
”Look, nothing is going to change between us today,” said Lily as she sat down. “But maybe we could just sit here in this stupid corner-compartment and wait out this ride.”
Severus looked up at her. “It’s not stupid.”
She laughed, despite everything. “It’s not,” she agreed.
And that was the last thing Severus Snape and Lily Evans ever said to each other. When the train arrived at King’s Cross, Lily was the first to get up. She passed by him, stopping for a half of a second as though to say something but in the end decided not to. Severus sat there for a while, watching as parents reunited with their children. He looked through the crowd, hoping he’d see his mum’s face-or even by some miracle, his dad’s-but there was no one.
Severus got to his feet at last, glancing around the corner-compartment for one final moment. And then he exited, catching up with the rest of the students as they all headed back to their homes.