Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s not what Killua expects, the much dreaded freshman year of university. It’s surprisingly…nice, for the lack of better words. Sure it’s pretty much life-changing, and melodramatic – the day Killua and Gon moved out, Mito literally hugged them so hard in between sobbing fits, that Killua was sure he heard suspicious cracking sounds. And Alluka. It was difficult leaving her behind, even though Killua knew she’s in safe hands.

“Take care of my brother,” she’d said to Gon. “Don’t let him get into trouble.”

Killua wanted to protest at that – Gon’s the one who attracted all sorts of trouble, not Killua. But Gon had draped an arm over his shoulders and all the words in his head evaporated.

“I will,” Gon said, rather solemnly. Alluka nodded and rushed to give the two boys one final hug.

All those emotions were troublesome, Killua decided. But nice, nonetheless.

And really, so far so good; Killua was even able to talk a petrified Pokkle into relinquishing his suite room a few days ago, just so that Killua could be roomies with Gon. “You threatened to sell his organs, didn’t you?” Gon had asked later that day, with slight amusement on his face. The Zoldycks are notorious for their underground connections, and no one in their right mind would want to cross paths with the lot. With a reputation that inspires fear, little to no manipulation is all Killua usually needs to make things go his way.

Killua shrugged and grinned, “Maybe.”

“You’re hopeless.” Gon laughed. Gods, it’s such a beautiful sound, one that Killua couldn’t help but admiring. It reminded him of freedom, of the days he didn’t spend selling drugs or plotting murder. The promise of a future.

A future with Gon, Killua thought briefly, before embarrassment stifled him. Ugh. I’m fucking pathetic.

But then, if it’s for Gon, he really doesn’t mind being pathetic.

 The campus is huge and basically insular, with the semblance of a self-sustaining city in every respect. But Killua had the whole campus memorized already during the orientation two months ago, so wayfinding is a piece of cake. Even the secluded Veterinary Science building – hidden behind a labyrinth of other faculty buildings - poses no challenge for Killua or Gon.

Gon’s taking a course on animal structure and function, which he finds so fascinating that he sometimes won’t shut up about it. But Killua would listen attentively while feigning impatience, as he’s doing now.

“…and we dissected a caecilian the other day. Guess what, its eyes are covered by a layer of skin!” Gon babbles excitedly and then looks at Killua sidelong, as though expecting a response.

“My ears are milliseconds away from falling off,” Killua deadpans and earns a playful shove from Gon.

He’ll never admit it, but deep down, Killua’s really glad that he’s the only person Gon trusts completely, and the confidant to Gon’s uncensored thoughts. Ever since they met each other when they’re twelve, they’ve been inseparable. Mito had muttered something about a match made in heaven, and Killua, who’d heard her, couldn’t look at Gon without averting his gaze for a good few days.

“You’re very mean.” Gon pouts with a mischievous glint in his eyes, as he always does when Killua tries to offend him and fails miserably. “And very short,” he adds ruthlessly, knowing how much it annoys Killua that Gon has outgrown Killua by ten centimeters.

Killua narrows his eyes and comes up with a clever retort that never leaves his mouth, because they’ve arrived at Veterinary Science Building. Gon doesn’t give him a chance to say goodbye and simply sprints through the entrance, a hand in the air giving a rather half-hearted wave.

Shaking his head at Gon’s enthusiasm, Killua turns and starts walking towards the Biology Building two blocks away from Gon’s. Killua only chooses classes that are near Gon’s building - in case Gon gets into trouble. But really, he does it just so they can walk to class together.

Being away from Gon would feel…wrong. Especially after the years they’ve been inseparable. And Killua is sure Gon feels the same way about him. They’re accomplices in crime, brothers, soul mates even. They’d spend a lifetime together, and Killua will be there for Gon no matter what.

He doesn’t know why he does it, but for some inexplicable reasons, Killua comes to a halt and looks back, through the glass door that separates him and Gon. He spots Gon easily with that spiky hairdo of his, who’s wearing a tender expression that Killua has never seen before. But that’s not what makes Killua’s world come to a standstill.

Gon isn’t alone. A girl is with him.

And they’re laughing at some inside jokes, fingers entwined.

Killua doesn’t remember how long he has stood there in the autumn wind, or how he manages to slip into his class late. He doesn’t hear a thing, not the professor’s harangue on cellular engineering, or the chattering of students in the lecture hall.

Nothing except the echoes of Gon’s laughter that isn’t meant for him.

Later that night, Gon doesn’t come back until past midnight.

No calls, no messages, nothing.

Killua pretends to be asleep as Gon climbs into his bed opposite Killua’s, being as quiet as possible. He hears Gon pulling his comforter over himself, again trying to be very cautious out of consideration for Killua’s sensitive ears. But Killua is awake, his brain running ten miles a second, and every sound Gon makes seems harsh and unpleasant.

“Killua,” Gon whispers.

But Killua doesn’t feel like replying. He doesn’t understand why he’s feeling this way, feeling so betrayed, and so –

“Killua,” Gon repeats. Back facing Gon, Killua can imagine the frustration on Gon’s face, and this almost makes him smile.

When Killua doesn’t stir at all after Gon calls his name for a fifth time, Gon finally gives up and sleeps.

Letting out a strangled breath, Killua opens his eyes and takes in the darkness. He understands nothing, not Gon – who used to be an open book – and definitely not his own feelings. But he knows he can’t blame Gon for keeping things from him, because he’s doing exactly the same thing.

Killua turns to stare at the ceiling, as though it might give him some answers.

He doesn’t sleep that night, or many nights after that.

Chapter Text

Killua has never felt quite so terrible in his entire life. Even the torment he suffered back at the Zoldyck household can’t compare to this…this vile, nauseous emotion he’s been experiencing for the past two weeks. It’s like he’s drunk and sober at the same time, everything makes absolutely no sense yet somehow it does. And he absolutely hates it. His stomach is tense from the unending cycle of clenching and unclenching, and his chest so tight that he sometimes can’t breathe.

What frustrates him most is that he can’t identify this nauseating feeling, nor can he suppress it.

It’s as though he’s –

“Shit,” Killua swears under his breath. “Shit, shit, shit.”

He wills himself not to think about it. No, it is most definitely untrue, untrue that he sees Gon as anything more than a brother and best friend. There’s no way that can happen. Killua’s a healthy young man – intelligent, handsome, normal – who has not a single female acquaintance, or any other acquaintances at that, and spends basically all of his time with none other than…

Fuck.

Killua wants to crawl somewhere underneath a rock and be left to rot. Or that a lightning conveniently strikes him and kills him. So he won’t have to deal with this shit – the catastrophic complications of one single, not-so-unadulterated thought – or a curious-looking Gon, who’s sitting right next to him at the moment, head turned towards Killua with a raised brow that demands answers.

Answers that Killua doesn’t have, or rather, unwilling to give.

“I missed the deadline for my essay,” Killua lies, staring down at his lecture notes and struggling to keep himself sane and composed. But then he bites his lower lip, because Gon is now scrutinizing him, slowing dismantling the defensive walls that keeps Killua cool and collected.

And of course, Gon just has to see through everything. Why can’t he be oblivious when he needs to be?

“Something’s bothering you,” he states. “Tell me.”

Killua hesitates. Two weeks ago, he would’ve told Gon about almost everything, but now…nothing’s the same anymore. There’s an invisible barrier between them that’s growing thicker by the second. He’s sure Gon’s noticed the divide between them, that unspeakable crack in their relationship.

The thing is, Gon still hasn’t told Killua about the girl he’s seeing. And Killua doesn’t want to pressure Gon into doing things he doesn’t want to. But he’s glad he’s still able to speak to Gon normally – despite the thorn that’s constantly prickling at his guts – except it takes greater effort to do so with each passing day.

Then again, Gon’s staring at Killua so intensely that Killua feels himself naked. Naked and totally defenseless as Gon pulls him into his fervent gaze.

It’s only for a tenth of a second. But Killua’s eyes fall on Gon’s lips, slightly parted as though restraining some words, appearing as delicious as ever, and Killua wonders if it’s as soft as it looks, or as delectable in taste as in his dreams –

“I’m seeing someone,” Killua blurts. Now he just wants to die and never exist. His face is as red as a boiled lobster, with a blank expression that matches Gon’s.

When Gon doesn’t speak and the silence grows so awkward that Killua wishes to be shot on the spot, Killua stands up abruptly, almost sending the chair beneath him tumbling over.

“I’m going to grab something to drink,” Killua mutters, too mortified to look at Gon, who’s probably still shocked at Killua’s pathetic outburst.

Killua heads for the door, shame making his every step heavy as lead. He needs to keep his shit together, or else he’ll really ruin everything.

“Killua,” Gon says, with an emotion Killua doesn’t recognize. “I –”

Whatever Gon intends to say is cut by his vibrating phone. Between Killua and the person calling, Killua wonders who’s more important to Gon. But Killua isn’t brave enough to stay and find out.

“You should probably pick that up,” Killua says. The words are hollow, and tastes like sand on his tongue.

He doesn’t give Gon a chance to respond before closing the door behind him. And when he hears Gon’s muffled chuckle – a sound so familiarly beautiful yet completely foreign – Killua realizes that he’s lost the only light in his dark, empty world.

Gon is distracted.

He can’t concentrate on anything. Not when a certain white-haired boy had looked at him with the eyes of a shattered soul.

And worse of all, Killua is in love with someone, someone Gon doesn’t know.

And it hurts, for some reason. The prospect of Killua in another person’s embrace is just…ridiculous and impossible and so, so inappropriate.

Is that why he’s been acting so strange and aloof? Because he’s got a girlfriend?

Okay, maybe Gon doesn’t have the right to judge him, seeing as he hasn’t told Killua about his own girlfriend. But in his defense, Gon merely wants everything to become official before he breaks the news to Killua. Or maybe, Gon’s simply too cowardly to tell Killua, that if he doesn’t get settled in a relationship any sooner he’s afraid might actually fall in love with –

“You haven’t touched your food.”

That night, Gon knew Killua was awake, and he’d caught him staring at the ceiling out of habit whenever Killua’s in distress or too traumatized by the ghost of his past to sleep. But Gon had been there for him, was there if Killua needed to talk. In the end, Killua didn’t say anything, leaving Gon completely confused and frustrated.

It’s not like Gon doesn’t care about his best friend, it’s just that sometimes, he can’t understand him if he doesn’t tell him anything. And Gon wants to understand Killua, to protect him, to stay with him forever –

“Gon.”

Gon blinks. Once, then twice, before reality slowly resurfaces and all thoughts of Killua dissipate.

Palm Siberia is sitting opposite of him, arms crossed, and doesn’t look anywhere near happy. She’s staring at Gon like she’s about to erupt. And Gon, so mortified that he’s left his girlfriend unattended while he’s carried away in his own thoughts, musters the most apologetic look he can manage.

“Oh god, Palm –” Gon begins. What on earth am I doing?

“Save your breath.” Her beautiful face is layered with annoyance, lips pressed into a tight line.

She’s not the most forgiving person in the world, Gon has known from the start, but she’s also the most passionate person in the world. If she has her eyes set on a goal, she’d do anything to achieve it. That’s what Gon finds attractive about her. And that’s why he doesn’t want to lose her.

But before Gon can react, she’s already out of the restaurant. Gon apologizes to the waiter and quickly pays for the untouched meal.

And then, he runs.

He’s desperate to find Palm, and realizes, in the heat of the search, how much he treasures her, and how important she is to him. He doubts he’ll ever meet another girl like her, someone who shares his vision, his passion and his enthusiasm…

Right now, Palm matters most.

Palm’s the one for me, Gon tells himself, forcing down the image of beautiful, melancholic blue eyes as he closes in on the girl of his dreams.

Palm is about to cross the road when Gon pulls her into his arms, calling her name over and over again and muttering his apology. Her expression is soft when Gon looks down at her and cups her cheeks in his hands, and he says to himself that he’ll never let go of her. With the courage he doesn’t know it exists until now, he leans in and captures her plump lips with his.

Right now, Palm is his world.