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Why do you always feel like this? You're ok, then here you are. Back at square one. Josh stared at the ceiling of his bunk on the tour bus listlessly. Unfortunately, as he had been since he initially got into bed. He wasn’t sure what time it was anymore, just that it was late enough that even Tyler, who had been working in the studio, had gone to bed. And lord knows he doesn’t sleep until whatever idea is swirling around in his head is resolved. Josh wishes he could say the same.
The glow in the dark stars that Mark had put in everyone’s bunk at the beginning of the tour as a joke were his only companion. Josh wasn’t afraid of the dark, but the childishness of having them, pretending he needed them, brought him comfort. Especially when he was small. Anytime he woke up from a nightmare small and afraid, he’d count the number of sides on all of the stars until opening the curtain to his bunk didn’t feel like such a dangerous task. The newer development though was Josh climbing into Tyler’s bunk when he was done counting. It’d been a little over two months since Josh told Tyler of his regression and having his best friend there to take care of him has really helped Josh out mentally and even brought them closer together. He’s even noticed some of the tension begin to dissipate from the lead singer’s shoulders as well. Knowing his coping mechanism is just as much of a help to Tyler as it is to himself fills Josh with a special warmth whenever he thinks about it.
Now isn’t one of those times though. Josh is dealing with big thoughts that he can’t run away from in little space. He won’t let himself take anymore from Tyler than he already has now that Tyler is his caregiver. Besides, he’s faced his demons before and he can do it again. Although last time you didn’t come out unscathed, don't forget. Josh shivers and pulls his blankets up further, desperately waiting for sleep to take him.
Josh wakes up the next morning and it’s Tuesday and then suddenly he’s waking up again and it’s Wednesday. They were currently on a week break due to some weird scheduling in their tour so their next show wasn’t until Friday. Josh couldn’t decide how he felt about it. On one hand he was glad to have free time. Nowhere to be, nothing to do. Being on tour again had overwhelmed him so he thought this might be a moment of respite, except it’s left him with too much time to think. He’d come to the realization last night- or was it the night before last? He hasn’t been the most connected to time recently -that being on stage and performing had been what he was looking forward to everyday, even with the stress it caused. Being onstage in front of a roaring crowd and playing his drums was cathartic and each performance left him feeling a little lighter than before. Now he was stuck with a few days (too many in his opinion) to sit with his thoughts and wait until he could get back onstage again. You’re almost there, but what if you don’t make it?
Thursday night finds him back in his bunk, staring at his stars just as he had been doing for the few nights prior. They had traveled to the city of their next show early just because they could and everyone was using their break to explore the city or catch up on sleep. Josh didn’t feel like doing much of either, so he didn’t. He hadn’t really left the tour bus at all since their arrival. The exception was on Tuesday he thinks it was, when Tyler had dragged him to an IHop upon finding him also awake around 8am. Josh can’t remember what they talked about, or if they talked at all. He’s been missing the details to most of his days for a while now. It should probably worry him more than it does. What are you looking for?
He lets his mind wander for a while until a particularly violent thought rips him from his numbness and steals his breath. Surely someone has one. Why don’t you check the bathroom? Josh shakes his head as if to dislodge the thought from his brain as his hands begin to shake. Come on, you know it would help. Some things never change.
Josh rips his blanket off and practically falls from his bunk with a muffled thump from his feet on the cold floor. He stumbles to the fridge and clumsily grabs a water bottle, his panicked hands and breathing making it difficult to open. He almost downs the whole thing before stopping to breathe with one arm still leaning on the open door to the fridge. He’s not having any sort of attack but he’s damn near close.
As he’s closing the fridge door a concerned voice pipes up from the couch in the living room area the bus designers managed to fit. “Josh?” He barely suppresses a flinch at his name and turns to see Tyler wrapped in a blanket with his laptop in his lap. A dim light’s been turned on above him and Josh wonders how he didn’t notice his best friend’s presence when he stumbled in. He returns a weak, “Hey,” and wonders what he looks like in that moment. Standing in the dim light shaking, panting, wearing rumpled clothes, with dark circles under his eyes and a panicked expression creasing his face.
Tyler sets his laptop to the side, “Are you ok?” Josh is ashamed to admit he considered lying for a moment, but he knows it would be futile. Stop worrying him. Tyler can read him like an open book and he can’t decide if it’s a blessing or a curse. Instead of saying anything, he simply shakes his head and diverts his gaze to the floor. “Do you want to talk about it?” Another shake. “Is there anything I can do?”
Go ahead and be selfish, it’s what you’re good at. “Stay?” He asks quietly. “Always,” Tyler replies and his blanket is adjusted and the seat next to him on the couch is patted in invitation. Josh takes it gratefully. His water bottle is set next to Tyler’s laptop out of the way, and then his arms are wrapped around Tyler’s waist and his face is buried in his best friend’s chest. He takes a deep breath and lets it out when the lead singer’s hands come up to wrap around him and brush through his curls. His previous thoughts are now miles away from the safety he feels in his best friend’s arms. He knows it’s not a permanent fix but for now it’s all he needs.
“Sleep, friend.” Josh feels a light kiss get pressed to his temple and then he falls into the best sleep he’s had all week.
Josh is glad to wake up the next day and see it’s finally Friday. They’re not even close to the start of the show but he can already feel himself start to breathe a little easier. He can hear Tyler already up and banging around in the studio and he smiles. Despite this he still spends most of the day drifting in and out of reality in his bunk. You’re so weak, there’s so much you could be doing right now and yet you’re here. He had tried to go on a walk in hopes of keeping up his good spirits but not far from the bus he passed a pile of what looked like a few broken beer bottles, the glass glinting threateningly in the sun, and had decided he could take a walk later. Coward. Why didn’t you grab a piece? It’s not what people normally look for.
It’s now half an hour to show time and Josh is struggling to motivate himself to get ready. He should be excited for this- well he is, but after catching one look at the dark circles under his eyes in the large dressing room mirrors he’s having second thoughts. He can’t go out there like this. Logically he knows he can just cover it with red eyeshadow but he still feels guilty. So now you want Tyler’s and the clique’s attention, huh? Josh hadn’t realized it had gotten this bad. It was hard to notice much at all when every day was a blur.
He finally manages to shake himself from his stupor when he hears Tyler knock on his door. “Can I come in?” Josh responds by opening the door. Tyler just walks in and makes himself comfortable on the couch. He’s silent which is new. He must be able to read the lost expression on Josh’s face as the drummer takes one last troubled look at his reflection then reaches for his eyeshadow.
“You know you can talk to me right?”
Josh’s hand stills as he makes eye contact with Tyler through the mirror and his mouth hangs open surprise for a second before he responds. Don’t keep him waiting.
“Yeah, of course dude.” His voice comes out rougher than he was expecting and he clears his throat as he looks back at his makeup stained hands. Good, you’re been keeping quiet. Tyler’s brows furrow.
“Are you sure?” Josh feels a stab in his chest at the worry in his voice. Look at what you’ve done.
“Yeah, it’s just… I don’t know how to explain it… or justify it yet,” He trails off, making tentative eye contact again. He tries for a small smile but it comes out strained so he lets it fall.
Tyler sighs and moves to stand behind Josh, putting a hand on his shoulder. He’s not satisfied with the answer but understands it’s as much as Josh is willing to share at the moment. “Just don’t forget I’m here for you, I always have been, always will be” There’s an unspoken whether you’re big or small in Tyler’s eyes when Josh turns around to meet him face to face. It’s almost too much to look at but Josh doesn’t shy away like he normally would.
The dressing room is silent and Josh croaks out a weak, “Thanks man.” Tyler gives him a strong and comforting clap on the shoulder, like something a dad might do, and squeezes as if he can tell an embrace is too much for Josh right now. It fills him with more comfort than expected.
“C’mon, we’ve got a crowd to celebrate with.” Tyler encourages. Josh nods and the two leave for the stage, shoulders brushing the whole way. Don’t go back on stage.
They’re bowing after Trees and Josh hasn’t stopped smiling since the show started. This is what he needed. There’s nothing more magical than performing music that means something special to him with his best friend by his side, and knowing that he’s helping people at the same time.
They’re in the hallway heading towards their dressing rooms when Josh starts to feel himself crashing. Whether it’s from adrenaline or dopamine or a combination of both he doesn’t know but the ground under his feet is starting to feel unsteady. Needing something to balance him out he takes a shaky breath and grabs the back of Tyler’s shirt as they make it to the lead singer’s door. He’s never felt so small and so fragile so quickly. you're so needy. Tyler turns around when he feels the tug to look at his friend. The eyes he meets are shiny and lost and his face is moments from crumbling. “Josh?”
Josh’s mouth opens and closes in an attempt to form words that aren’t there. Instead he just bites his lip and lets out a small distressed sound, his eyes pleading. Tyler’s only seen this version of Josh once after he’d woken up from a nightmare and gone to Tyler for comfort. Whatever had happened in the dream had been bad enough for whatever Josh normally does to comfort himself to not work. He feels a wave of protectiveness wash over him and needs to help his friend, his little. “Hey,” Tyler takes the hand that was holding the shirt in his own and brings the other to cup Josh’s face. “Hey buddy.” Josh takes a deep breath and leans into Tyler’s hand. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
Josh opens his mouth as if to speak again before closing it and shaking his head and slumping. You can' even talk now? Pathetic. “Ok, that’s alright.” Tyler scans the hallway they’re in before continuing. “Don’t worry about the crew, we can go to the hotel by ourselves. Do you want to grab your things from your dressing room and meet me back here?” Josh’s hand squeezes Tyler’s and his free hand comes up to grip Tyler’s wrist where he is holding his face. The panic in his eyes tells Tyler everything he needs to know. Don’t leave.
“Ok, that's ok. Do you mind waiting while I grab my things? You can play on my phone if you need something to do with your hands, yeah?” start fixing the tense here to present jk i will not do that actually Josh visibly relaxed and nodded so they entered Tyler’s dressing room and he got Josh set up with one of those pixel art coloring apps on the couch. He was silent as Tyler gathered his things and started wiping off some of his black paint, but he would look up from Tyler’s phone often as if to make sure he was still there.
Tyler could tell his boy was tired and high strung so he did his best to move quickly and as soon as all his belongings were gathered, he stretched a hand out towards Josh. “Ready to get your things and get out of here Bug?” Almost as soon as the offer was made for contact, Josh took Tyler’s hand and brought his other to wrap around and hold Tyler’s arm at the elbow. Tyler’s phone was almost forgotten, but the lead singer reached out and snagged it before they got too far.
After another quick glance up and down the hallway, Tyler deemed it clear to walk to Josh’s dressing room. It wasn’t that far but Tyler knew his friend wasn’t in the best headspace for interactions with strangers (or really anyone besides his best friend) at the moment so he decided to play it safe. When they reach the door, Tyler is quick to lead them inside and start gathering things. There’s a noise of upset from Josh when he detaches his arm from the little’s grip but Tyler reassures him with a light peck to his forehead and a hair ruffle. “It’ll be just a second Bug, you sure know how to make a mess.” Tyler tries to move efficiently but Josh just wasn’t having any distance between them anymore. Now he just had a constant hold of whatever he could reach of Tyler’s hoodie and it was a bit inconvenient but Tyler didn’t have it in him to make Josh let go again.
Soon enough though they’re in an Uber on their way to their hotel for the night. Every so often Tyler will have to take a moment to comfort and calm Josh, but they make the journey to the hotel and up to the room without any major accidents.
As they close the hotel door behind them, Josh is finally able to break down. For a moment Tyler is afraid he missed something in all the nonverbal queues Josh had been giving him before he remembers he’s overwhelmed, and has been since they got off stage. Although the two have been friends for a long time, Tyler is still learning to read this new side to Josh.
The way Josh just sits down on the bed, surrounded by their backpacks, suitcases, and haphazardly thrown jackets, and cries silently while looking up at Tyler with round sad eyes breaks his heart. Tyler moves everything out the way and sets Josh's suitcase to the side. Out of it, he pulls Josh’s comfort blanket. It’s an old ratty thing that’s still managed to keep its soft and smooth texture that he knew helped keep Josh calm. He’d explained it to Tyler recently, how when the fabric got cold (or really at any time) he’d knead it in his hands because it soothed him, and how even just its presence was instinctually comforting. Tyler gave Josh his blanket and could swear he heard a choked and reverent “blankie” muffled in its fabric when the little brought it up to his face. Then he got to taking off both their shoes. Josh’s, with whom he was gentle, were set next to the bed and his own were just kicked off into a random corner as Josh’s shaky breaths spurred him on. Finally he was able to scooch back against the headboard of the bed and beckon his friend forward for cuddles. He knew they were the best momentary cure for 99.99% of Josh’s breakdowns followed by patient conversation, and when he was little he craved contact even more.
Josh was quick to settle against Tyler’s chest and tried to not feel bad about all the snot and tears he was getting on his friend’s shirt. Always making a mess like a dirty, grubby little kid. Why does he put up with you? He let out a whimper and hid his face further in the now damp fabric of Tyler’s shirt. Tyler’s arms wrapped around him, “What’s wrong bubba?” Josh just brought a hand up to tap his head and sobbed. Tyler sighed and kissed the top of his head, “I’m sorry, just know whatever meany thoughts are going through your head right now aren’t true, yeah? Is that what’s been bothering you all week?”
Josh froze as if a secret had just been revealed, but logically he knew it was obvious to everyone that he’d been off, so he nodded and kneaded at the fabric of his blankie. Tyler sighed again but didn’t give Josh the chance to read too deep into it and overthink. “That’s ok. It happens to the best of us.” Tyler wants to talk to him about it like he would if Josh was big right now, but he knows it’s not the time. “What can I do to help?” Josh squeezes around Tyler’s middle with the arm that isn’t cradling his blankie in a nonverbal, stay. “Of course,” Tyler responds softly and begins to lightly scratch at Josh’s back in a soothing motion.
As Tyler scratches at his back, Josh lets his mind wander through the softness and he realizes that this is what he’s been craving all week. Not just the show, but being taken care of and processing his emotions healthily afterwards. In hindsight he could’ve just done this from the beginning but he’s here now so it doesn’t matter at the moment. He’s just glad he has Tyler here. His best friend is still new to being a caregiver but he’s fallen into the role so well and helps Josh so much. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. Josh lets his thoughts drift more until he’s just breathing in the peaceful atmosphere and comfort his caregiver and best friend is providing.
Neither knows how long they stay there but it’s long enough for Josh’s cries to soften to sniffles, and finally to even breathing. Tyler is even beginning to drift off when he becomes hyper aware of how he hasn’t showered since the previous night, and he’s sure Josh hasn’t either. He shakes Josh’s shoulder lightly just in case he is asleep and whispers to him softly, “C’mon Bug, wake up. We need to get clean before we fall asleep.” The little just sighs dramatically and squeezes Tyler tighter. The latter laughs and starts to sit up.
“I know, I know, but you’ll thank me tomorrow.” Josh rolls off of him reluctantly and sits up crisscrossed on the bed. Tyler has to quiet a laugh at how adorably pitiful his friend looks with his hair and clothes rumpled, clutching his blanket so childishly to his chest. Tyler reaches out and cups his cheek, his thumb swiping over dried tear tracks. “I’m sorry buddy but I know how sweaty you get on stage,” he tickles Josh’s sides and succeeds in bringing a smile to his face. “You’re all icky and it’s time to get the little man clean!”
Tyler gets a change of clothes for both of them and the extra toiletries they carry on tour, including the bubble bath he’d gotten Josh a few weeks ago. Tyler had never seen him use it but the light weight of the bottle told him enough. Tyler gets everything set up as fast as possible and returns to see Josh looking so peaceful kneading his blanket in his hands, but he's sad knowing it’ll have to stay outside the bathroom. He approaches Josh cautiously knowing this won’t be easy for him considering the fragility of his emotions at the moment, which is ok. “Hey bud I got all our things ready, even grabbed your bubble bath!” Josh hums happily with a smile and rolls off the bed. Before he can get too far Tyler gently stops him. “I’m sorry but blankie needs to stay out here, Bug.” When tears start to gather in Josh's eyes, Tyler panics a bit. He’s pretty sure this is the right move, but he’s not completely sure. It’s moments like these that remind him how new to being a caregiver he is. “Do you think you’ll be ok without blankie for a couple of minutes? I just don’t want it to get dirty or anything,” Tyler amends his previous statement and tries not to show the apprehension he’s feeling. Josh sniffs and considers it for a moment before nodding. “Don’ want blankie t’ get wet,” he replies in a soft, small voice.
He snuggles his face into the soft fabric one more time before gently setting blankie down on the bed. The two enter the bathroom and Tyler sits down on the edge of the tub before turning on the water. He lets it run for a little bit to warm up and watches the bubbles grow and fill the tub. When he turns around to grab a washcloth he instead finds his friend stuck trying to get out of his shirt. He can’t help but laugh, “Need help bubba?” Josh lets out a hum and a sigh before trying to wiggle the shirt off himself and failing. “Please,” he whines.
Tyler helps him out of his shirt, sets it on the counter, and considers asking Josh if he wants help bathing tonight. It’s a line in their caregiver-little relationship they haven’t crossed yet, and Tyler never will without Josh’s approval, but Josh has had a hard week and maybe not having to worry about a big kid task will help him relax into his little space more.
“Josh?” He guesses that actually using his name will help the little know he’s asking a question that requires some consideration. “Do you want help with your bath?” Josh is a little surprised by it and doesn’t look upset, but Tyler still treads carefully. “There’s nothing wrong with saying no if you don’t want help, I was just thinking it might help you relax more, but I only want and will do what you’re comfortable with, okay?” They stand in silence for a moment and just breathe while Josh thinks about it.
Josh appreciates how Tyler approached with his offer and finds that trusting Tyler enough to bathe him isn’t the real question to Josh. It’s his own boundaries within his affirmative answer, which even then feel pretty clear. He trusts Tyler to take care of him wholeheartedly.
The little takes a deep breath and says, “Above the waist only please.” Tyler smiles and brings him into a hug, “Of course little man. I’m so proud of you for trusting and knowing your own feelings and boundaries.” He ruffles Josh’s hair and Josh blushes, looking down at his feet. Tyler knows that was a big step and means every word he says. “Alright, do you need help getting undressed?” Josh blushes again and nods. Tyler helps with his belt and jeans, but when his boxers come down Josh’s tenses and almost begins to panic. How could you forget about your own shame? You did this on purpose. You just wanted Tyler to see your damage and pity you, huh? Just telling him about it wasn’t enough? His breathing quickens for a moment and he blinks rapidly to clear tears from his eyes but finds Tyler already there to comfort him. “Hey Bug, it's ok. I’m not here to judge you,” Tyler gently brushes away the tear that falls. “It’s all in the past, yeah? You’re safe here with me.” His smile is comforting and Josh takes deep breaths to calm down. Tyler waits patiently. He’ll wait all night if that’s how long it’ll take for Josh to be ok. Josh told him about his history with self-harm a few years back, sometime after he joined the band. Tyler understands that even though his friend is past it, that doesn’t mean the thoughts don’t visit occasionally, especially when he’s just been exposed like this. This is Tyler’s first time seeing the scars but he couldn’t think less of Josh if he tried.
When Josh’s breathing steadies, Tyler shuts off the water spout and helps Josh into the tub and then it’s peaceful just existing in each other’s presence. Tyler lets Josh just play in the bubbles for a couple minutes before grabbing shampoo and a disposable plastic cup from by the sink. He carefully wets Josh’s hair and lathers it with shampoo, taking longer than he probably needs to just because of how comfortable Josh looks as he massages his scalp. Eventually the shampoo does get rinsed out and replaced with conditioner and Tyler leaves it to sit in his hair. “Ready to wash your body bubba?” Josh blinks up at him tiredly and nods, so Tyler readies a wet rag with soap and gives it to him. “Do you want me to step out or stay here?” Josh rubs the rag between his hands listlessly before holding up two fingers. Tyler turns away to give him privacy, partially grateful he was asked to stay just in case Josh slipped or something. His protective streak has really been growing since Josh told him of his age regression.
Tyler waits patiently and hums the song he’s been working on all week to himself until Josh lets out a small, “Done.” (haha get it?? Josh done?!?) Tyler turns around with a smile, “Good job doing that all by yourself, bubba!” Josh preens and hums happily.
After some more gentle rinsing and praise, as well as some fluffy towels, Josh is dressed in a clean hoodie and sleep shorts. Blankie is back in his arms as he sits on the closed toilet seat. It was Tyler’s turn to shower but Josh didn’t really feel like being alone and Tyler didn’t mind him staying, so he did. He was just fine sitting with himself for a few minutes because he knew soon enough, Tyler would be done and they could go watch The Brave Little Toaster. He always watched it when he was small because it was his favorite childhood movie as his family had it on VHS. Nowadays, he just streamed it on Disney+ on his laptop. His favorite character was Blanky, obviously.
When Tyler got out of the shower Josh gave him privacy just as Tyler had done for him and turned the other way. Back in the room, they curl up together on the bed again and Tyler turns The Brave Little Toaster on per Josh’s request even though he knows the little will be out in minutes. Just as predicted, Josh falls asleep quickly and Tyler is soon to follow.
The next morning Josh wakes slowly to find himself laying on Tyler’s chest. One of Tyler’s hands is lightly brushing through Josh’s curls and the other is holding his phone to his ear where it sounds like he’s talking to Jenna. “I’m a little worried but I know he’ll be ok.” Josh realizes with a pang that they’re talking about him. His guilt wars with the love that blooms in his chest at verbally hearing someone cares for him. Logically he understands that Tyler cares about him, but it's still nice to hear. “Anyway, we can’t wait to see you. How long till you get here? Perfect. We’ll be waiting. Love you, bye.”
Josh takes that as his queue to pretend he just woke up and definitely wasn’t being nosy. He finally opens his eyes and yawns really big. “Nice try Josh but you’ve never been a very good liar,” Tyler chuckles. Josh huffs, “Dang, I really thought I could get you with that one.”
They marinate in the soft feeling of a fresh morning for a moment before Tyler speaks up. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you this week.” Josh leans up to protest but Tyler squeezes his arm in signal to just let him finish. “I got really caught up in working on a song for the new album and I guess… I sort of pulled away. I didn’t even realize I was doing it because I was making such good progress, but I should have realized you were hurting and I’m sorry I didn’t.” This realization had come to him at some point in the night and left him feeling heavy. Josh has always been there for him and yet here he is struggling to return the favor. He should’ve done better.
Josh has never been good at making eye contact during serious conversations so he sits up fully next to Tyler and presses their sides together. Josh holds Tyler’s hand and links their fingers. “I really don’t want you to blame yourself Tyler. I recognize your upset because you didn’t notice but I’m not upset with you in the slightest. You’re here for me now and that's more than I could ever ask of you.” He leans his head against Tyler’s, his eyes on their hands. “I’m more upset with myself for not reaching out sooner. I saw the signs of something going wrong after the last show and just let it happen. I’m sorry I did that and then let it affect you too.”
Tyler squeezes his hand, “It’s alright, just promise to say something next time?” Josh nods and squeezes in return. “And I’ll try to be more mindful when my creativity starts to whisk me away next time,” Tyler sighs. They enjoy peaceful silence for a moment, which they seem to be doing a lot lately, before finally getting out of bed.
“So how long till Jenna gets here?” Josh asks as he finds an outfit for the day in his suitcase. “We’re lucky, about an hour,” Tyler replies from the bathroom. Josh goes to lean on the door frame where Tyler is putting toothpaste on his brush. “I think I want to tell her,” he says cryptically. Tyler is about to ask him to clarify before he sees Josh’s pinched brows and fidgeting fingers in his reflection in the mirror. He turns around and lightly presses his thumb between Josh's brows to make him relax. “I think that’s a great idea if you’re comfortable with it.” Josh nods, “I am. Would you mind if… If I ask if she wants to be my caregiver too?” And there’s the root of Josh’s worry. What if Tyler feels like he’s trying to replace him? He trusts Jenna just as much as he does Tyler even though he has different bonds with each, and he’d love to have both of their support for this aspect of his life.
Tyler beams at him, “I would love that, and I think she would too.”
“I promise I’m not trying to replace you, I just… You two are both really important to me.” Tyler gives him the same comforting shoulder squeeze he did last night in his dressing room. “I know Josh and I understand your worry, but there’s no need to. I trust you.” Josh nods and feels he can breathe easy again.
Now it’s just time to wait.