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If you asked Josh why he was currently starting to slip into little space, he wouldn’t be able to tell you. Earlier that day their set at the March Madness Music Festival had gone really well and he was enjoying being lazy on the tour bus out of the heat. Most of the crew had immediately gone to take a nap as they drove to the next venue after waking up early that morning, so he was glad to get the lounge to himself.
Despite Josh not being able to place the possible outside factor, he was little. This is normally when he’d open up a streaming service and start watching his latest cartoon obsession, but he suddenly wasn’t enjoying being alone anymore. Usually he is pretty lonely in his little space because he’s far too embarrassed to tell a soul, but it’s different this time. He feels fragile and anxious and his eyes feel ready to fill with tears at any moment. He sits up on the couch and looks around lost, his hands fidgeting with the edge of his shirt. Maybe cuddling into his cozy blanket nest and hiding in his bunk might help, so that’s where he heads. Once settled, he hits play on Steven Universe but can’t focus on what's happening. He keeps zoning out and overthinking, then having to back up the show and wait for it to load with his slow cellular data because he missed something, but now he has to reload the app and his blankets feel constricting instead of comforting and-
And now he’s lonely, and frustrated, and upset. He sniffs and wipes at the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes and buries his face in his pillow. It’s so unfair. How come he doesn’t get a caregiver like all the littles he sees on tumblr and Youtube? Because you’re a coward. He shakes his head despite knowing it’s the truth. He wouldn’t be crying so much every time he regressed if he could just tell someone about his regression.
He just wants to cuddle with Tyler in his bunk like they do on nights that one of them has a nightmare, but he can’t. He’s too needy and explaining everything to Tyler would take too long and wants to feel better now. …But what if he didn’t say anything to Tyler? What if he just… asked to cuddle? He didn’t have to tell Tyler why he was there, and his best friend will probably just assume he had a nightmare while napping anyway. They don’t always talk about their nightmares when they show up in the middle of the night so it’s not like it would be a red flag.
Feeling a little hope with his new plan, Josh clumsily climbed out of his bunk and shuffled over to Tyler’s. He did the short knock they came up with to let the other know it was them, and pulled the curtain open a little bit to peek inside. He found Tyler laying on his side facing Josh and scrolling through Twitter. He tilted his phone down to look over it at Josh’s arrival and asked, “What’s up dude?”
Josh opened his mouth to ask if they could cuddle, but couldn’t find the strength to speak. He closed his mouth and furrowed his brows, the urge to cry returning so he just looked at Tyler helplessly. It wasn’t new to him that he often felt non-verbal when he was little, though he’s never had to deal with the problems it caused because he was always alone. If someone tries to talk to him while he’s regressed and hiding in his bunk he just pretends to be asleep, but now that he actually wants to say something while he’s nonverbal, he feels stupid for not being able to. Josh feels his previous frustration start to rise again and childishly wipes the tears from his eyes.
Tyler tosses his phone out of the way and opens his arms in invitation.
That’s all Josh needs to see to climb into the bunk and once settled in his best friend’s comforting embrace, he feels himself relax. His tears finally fall but they’re full of more relief than his other previously conflicting emotions. Josh hides in the crook of Tyler’s neck and the latter’s arms wrap around him securely. One hand runs up and down his back in a soothing manner and Josh chokes on sobs.
“You don’t want to talk, do you,” Tyler states like he knows Josh front and back. Because he does.
Josh shrugs. Tyler must be better at reading him than he thought because he replies with, “Oh, you can’t right now, can you?” Josh pulls his shoulders up to his ears. Tyler probably thinks he’s weird now. What if doesn’t to be Josh’s friend anymore? He should’ve known better than to bother Tyler, especially while little and needy. He should just go back to his bunk and figure it out on his own. As Josh starts to pull away to leave, Tyler shushes him lightly and pulls him back towards his chest. “It’s ok, you don’t have to talk,” a soft kiss is pressed into his curls, “I’ll never force you to.” Josh sobs with relief. He hasn’t messed it all up. Yet. Tyler just holds him as he cries, fingers brushing through bleach damaged curls. When Josh’s cries soften to sniffles another kiss is pressed into the top of his head and Tyler mutters,”Rest. I’ll wake you before dinner.” Josh nods and lets himself drift off.
Josh awoke to Tyler gently shaking his shoulder. “C’mon sleeping beauty, we’re almost there.” “There” of course, was the Taco Bell halfway between Houston and their next hotel. Josh huffs and shakes his head. He doesn’t want to get up yet.
As his brain catches up with body, he realizes he feels better. Not 100%, but better. He definitely doesn’t feel as small as before, more like he’s on the way out of the foggy headspace. And speaking doesn’t feel like an impossible task, just like it’ll take too much effort. Eventually Josh rolls off of Tyler’s chest and wipes the sleep out of his eyes.
“That must have been a bad nightmare.”
Josh looks over at Tyler and has to process what he said before shrugging. It’s clear they both know that’s not the case.
“You’d tell me if you needed help right?” Josh nods. Liar.
Josh rolls back over to lean on Tyler’s side and looks at where the latter is scrolling through Twitter while they wait out the rest of the drive. When the bus finally lurches to a stop Josh feels entirely big again and ready to face the world. Well, mostly. They wait for everyone else to get off the bus before climbing out of Tyler’s bunk. Josh grabs the nearest hoodie he recognizes, slips on his vans, and finds his wallet before he and Tyler head out together. They’re peacefully quiet as they enter the Taco Bell and Josh doesn’t notice Tyler’s protective watch.
Tyler orders for them and they eat at a table in the back corner, separated from the rest of the crew. Josh appreciates it.
He’s onto his second taco when Tyler breaks the silence. “Hey Josh? Are you doing ok?” Josh lifts his hand in a “so-so” motion.
“I’m just a little…” Tyler considered his words. “You seemed different earlier. I don’t know how to explain it but there was something…off.” Josh swallows nervously and takes a drink. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” The “I’m here for you” goes unsaid. It’s an ingrained piece of information for the both of them.
Josh looks around quickly to make sure they’re still mostly alone. He clears his throat to speak but his first word still comes out rough. He takes a drink and clears his throat again. “I uh… I was,” he’s not sure how to best introduce the idea and he can’t come up with the right words. “I’m sorry it’s just… hold on,” Josh sighs and gives up before he gets frustrated. He pulls out his phone and does a quick Google search. He hands his phone over to Tyler with an article from HealthLine titled “Understanding Age Regression” open and returns to his tacos. The nerves in his stomach have stolen his appetite but he needs something to keep his hands busy while he awaits Tyler’s reaction.
When he’s done reading, Tyler sets Josh’s phone down on the table. “So… you were… regressed? That’s how you say it, right?” Josh nods and wipes his sweaty hands off on his jeans. “I’m sorry for just showing up and making you deal with me while I was so needy,” He struggles to make eye contact over the table. He’s your best friend, coward. “That wasn’t fair of me to do… and I’m sorry.”
“Hey no,” Tyler waits for Josh to finally look up. “I want you to come to me when you need help or comfort. I don’t feel burdened by providing it.” Josh drops his gaze again, embarrassed. “Josh,” Tyler’s voice is assertive and he looks up. “You’re not a burden.” Tyler’s expression is determined; he means what he’s saying and more. Josh nods and wipes at the faint tears he barely noticed gathering in his eyes.
“So you don’t think I’m weird? Or… hate me?” Josh questions shyly.
“Absolutely not. I couldn’t hate you if I tried. If this is something that helps you then who am I to judge?”
Josh lets out the deep breath he was holding and leans forward to rest his head on the table. “That’s a relief,” he mumbles. Tyler reaches over and ruffles his hair. “C’mon, let’s finish our food. I think Michael wants to head out soon. We’ve still got a few hours before we get to Nashville.”
As they get back on the bus, Michael stops them in the lounge. “Hey are you guys ok? I noticed you were last off the bus. You two are normally jumping for joy when we stop for Taco Bell,” he laughs.
Tyler glances at Josh then addresses Michael. “Yeah, we’re all good. Just a little tired from the heat at the festival. Let us sleep in tomorrow? Pretty please?” Tyler gives him dramatic puppy eyes and Josh chuckles. Michael sighs knowing it’s a little more than that, “I’ll see what I can do.” The pair thank him and leave him to his muttering. It’s something about needing Mark’s help to coordinate lights with Shep or whatever band manager things he has to do if they’re late to sound check tomorrow.
Tyler and Josh are quick to kick off their shoes and fall into Josh’s bunk because it’s full of blankets. After a few hours of scrolling through social media and laughing at everything the other person says, their eyes eventually tire and they fall asleep.
Josh wakes up suddenly at an indeterminate time in the night when the bus aggressively hits some sort of bump in the road. What kind of country back roads are they taking to Nashville? He huffs and tries to get comfortable again where he’s cuddling with Tyler when there’s a whisper above him.
“Hey Josh,” it’s Tyler. “You awake?” Josh hums tiredly.
Tyler takes that as an invitation for conversation. He sounds like he’d gotten up and grabbed a Red Bull at some point while Josh was asleep. Josh will probably fall asleep while Tyler’s talking but he knows his friend won’t wake him again.
“So I’ve been doing some research on age regression,” he starts. Josh suddenly feels like he’s also had a Red Bull with the sudden nerves that shoot through his system. “I’ve been reading some stuff about caregivers, this is all super cool by the way, and I was wondering if you had one?” Josh shakes his head, “No, never.”
“Do you… do you want one?” Tyler’s question is timid, a stark juxtaposition to his previous attitude. Josh tilts his head up to look at Tyler and shrugs. “I’ve never considered that I might tell someone about it someday,” he pauses. “I don’t want to entertain a fantasy.” Tyler’s expression creases with sadness in the light of his phone screen.
“From what I’ve been reading it’s healthier and safer to have one. I can’t imagine you being hurt or alone when you feel so young.” His best friend is clearly upset at the idea and Josh’s heart warms at the thought that someone cares for him so deeply. Nevertheless, he shrugs and tells Tyler in a resigned tone, “It’s happened before and it’ll happen again.”
Tyler sets his phone down and brightness faintly fills the small space. His arms wrap around Josh with care. “But it doesn’t have to.” Josh wants to say something to make it better, anything to remove the melancholy furrow in his best friend's brows but he knows he’d only make it worse. I’m an adult, I can take care of myself. I don’t need to force anyone to baby me. I’m no one's problem but my own.
Tyler beats him to a reply with another question. “Would you be open to me being your caregiver?”
Josh feels like the breath has just been stolen from his lungs. Is he serious? “Really?” He chokes out and leans up on his elbow to see Tyler’s face better. “You’re not messing with me?” Tyler shakes his head, “I wouldn’t joke about this. You obviously don’t have to say yes but if you’re willing… I’d like to help you with this side of yourself you’ve kept hidden. You deserve good things.” He finished with a shrug.
Josh just stared at him for a moment with his mouth opening and closing around words that weren’t there. He shakes his head to clear his thoughts. “I’d… I’d like that. A lot actually, I’d like that a lot.” Tyler grins from ear to ear and pulls him back down to cuddle. “I’m so glad,” he muffles a happy laugh in Josh’s curls. “Now let’s go to sleep, we can talk about this more when it’s not 3am and we’ve had some decent sleep.”
Josh sighs happily and guesses he was wrong about the whole “fantasy” thing. He’s not complaining though.