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”Amor matris: objective and subjective genitive” — James Joyce
She’s back in the human realm, and Luz Noceda can’t sleep.
She’s tired; she’s so tired, but every time she closes her eyes, she sees her every failure staring back at her. In a way, she envies Amity and Willow sleeping so soundly next to her, having allowed the exhaustion to get the best of them. She’s exhausted, too, yet — she’s troubled.
She’s home at last, after having worked so hard to build a portal back to her mamá ; she should be happy, like her mamá is happy to see her. However, her heart aches.
It aches for those she’s left behind.
She thinks of them and her eyes sting.
And in the end — she’s only got herself to blame. If she hadn’t gone to the demon realm, she wouldn’t have met Belos and helped him put his plan in motion; King and Eda wouldn’t be in peril; her friends wouldn’t be stranded away from home.
Everything is her fault; she doesn’t know how to live with herself.
Luz draws in a sharp breath, and Amity stirs next to her. Her beautiful, gorgeous girlfriend, one of the best things to have ever happened to her, who will hate her upon learning that she’s responsible for everything.
She presses her hand against her mouth, trying to quieten the sobs that dare to escape. She feels like she can’t breathe with all her emotions bottling up inside, she feels like she’s going to explode any minute now —
She gets up and leaves her room, closing the door behind her. Her house feels strange; it doesn’t bring her the same comfort that the Owl house does. It’s not home , it hasn’t been ever since her papá died. That place suffocates her as much as her inner demons do.
With her hand on her neck, she rapidly climbs down the stairs, desperate to get out of there and get some air, but what she sees instead — it stuns her.
Camila, sitting on the couch, her eyes lifelessly staring at the wall. It looks like she had been crying, as her face is all puffy and red, but Luz isn’t sure; it might be the flurry of her own vision, anyway.
She wants to approach her mamá , but she’s terrified to. Because of her choices, Camila was forced to lose both her papá and her. She left her all alone, and Camila must hate her. She is right to hate her.
God knows she hates herself, too.
She’s hurt too many people, destroyed too many lives, to know that there’s no redemption left for her.
When Camila spots her amidst the darkness, she’s startled, but her traits soon dissolve into that spurious smile that she had put on the entire night. Luz despises that smile; it was the same from the aftermath of her papá’s death, when she had tried to pretend that everything was alright, even though Luz knew better than that. But to know that, all those years later, she is the reason for her mother’s deceitful expression — she can not forgive herself.
“Luz,” Camila gently calls for her, extending her hand to her, “ Mija , what are you doing awake?”
While she dreads herself, she still longs for her mother’s warm comfort, so she accepts the invitation and nests against Camila’s side.
“I could ask the same about you.”
Camila scoffs, and shifts her position so she can wrap her arm around Luz. She rests her chin on her daughter’s head and whispers, “I just can’t believe you’re finally home.”
Home . That word is a dagger to her heart.
“I’m sorry that I left you.”
And she is; while she isn’t sorry that she left, she wishes she had never hurt her mamá by abandoning her. In her heart, despite all the complicated emotions she has regarding her coalition to Belos, there’s still nothing she wishes more than to have her mamá in the Boiling Isles with her, to stay there forever, in the one place she had found real happiness for the first time since her papá died.
“You came back,” Camila reassures, running her hand through Luz’s messy hair. “You’re here, now, and that’s what matters.”
Then why does it not feel like that’s enough?
“ Mija ,” Camila chants softly. “You know that you can talk to me, right?!”
Luz’s eyes shimmer, and she shivers. “I know.”
“I mean it, Luz,” she insists. “I know things weren’t… so good between us before you left, and I am sorry that I tried… I tried to put out your fire. I promise I won’t do that anymore.”
Luz pulls back and stares at her mother; she doesn’t understand why Camila is apologizing. She’s not the one who needs to.
She doesn’t address that at the moment, though.
“I want to tell you… I want to tell you everything , but…” she treads, “I don’t know how much is too much.”
Camila’s eyes drop in shame. “You… You used to tell me everything. I don’t want that to change, not ever.”
Luz doesn’t want it to change, either, but a lot has changed since they last saw each other; she’s a different person now, she has seen and done things that changed her forever. She doesn’t know if her mom is ready for that.
“ Ay , look at yourself,” Camila continues. “Not only are you injured, but you’re unsettled. The light in your eyes has dimmed out, and… I don’t want you to keep it all inside you. Not if I can help you.”
Luz sighs.
“ I don’t think you can help me, mamá ,” she says. “Not because I don’t trust you, but… All my troubles are permanently stuck in the demon realm, and I don’t know if they’re even alive! And… I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with the possibility that… they’re not.”
Camila looks suddenly sad, sadder than she was before, and Luz knows — she’s thinking about her father.
“Nobody is ever truly gone,” Camila tightens her grip around her hand. “They live forever in the hearts of those that stay behind.”
She smiles, but her smile is weak. “Sometimes, that doesn’t feel like enough .”
“Maybe it isn’t. That’s why it’s important for us to talk about those we love that are not here with us anymore,” Camila says, “Why don’t you tell me about your friends from the Boiling Isles? The ones who aren’t here with us. I’d love to know about those that took care of you.”
The mere memory of them has her grinning; she misses them so much .
“There’s King, tough little guy. He’s the king of demons, actually, but nobody takes him seriously, because he’s very small and cute. He’s grown so much, though, and… And he’s now fighting the Collector on his own, even though he’s just a child.”
Her breath is heavy; she sniffs.
“Lilith is also pretty cool. She’s made a lot of mistakes, and she’s spent her entire life trying to fix those mistakes, and she was finally making amends with herself. She also takes great care of Hooty, and I think that’s nice, because everyone else tends to cast him aside, since he’s just a house demon. But he takes care of us. He’s kept us safe against all odds.”
“They seem like nice people,” Camila remarks, smiling as she listens.
“They are. They wanted to meet you so badly, and… I think you would like them.”
“ They took care of you when I couldn’t,” she points out, “I’m forever in their debt.”
Luz retracts at that, her mind wandering to the witch that had looked after her the most, who had put her needs aside for her wellbeing, who had sacrificed herself for her.
She feels knots in her stomach; she might get sick.
“Luz…?” Camila calls for her upon seeing her change in composure. “Is there… Is there someone else? That you’d like to tell me about?”
Breathe in, breathe out.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
Camila frowns. “Why would it hurt me?”
“Because,” she mutters, “Back there, what she was to me… It’s the same as what you mean to me, here.”
She digs her nails into her palm; she feels like the worst daughter ever.
“What?! Oh, Luz,” Camila looks at her with sad eyes. “You think that I would be mad or hurt because you found someone who took you under their wings? Who parented you when I was absent? That’s not how it works, Luz.”
Luz turns to her, confused. “It… It isn’t?!”
“Of course not, mija ,” she assures. “Some people have more than two mamás . Isn’t that beautiful? To feel this most genuine kind of love from more than one person?”
Luz warms up and relaxes. “Eda didn’t love many people. Most days, I don’t think she truly loved herself. But she loved me , mamá. She really did.”
She pauses, trying to gather all her feelings into words.
“Losing her… hurts just as much as losing papa .”
Camila rubs her arm gently. “Nobody should feel that pain twice at such a young age. It’s not fair.”
“Yeah, I don’t think it is,” she runs the back of her hand against her cheeks. “I miss her. I miss both of them so much .” Camila pulls her into her arms and Luz sobs against her chest.
“I know, mija , I know,” she cradles her daughter back and forth. “I miss your father, too. Every day.”
Amidst her cries, she nods.
“I don’t — I don’t know what to do.”
Camila kisses her forehead.
“You’re going to figure it out. We are going to figure it out, together,” she promises. “And until then, you’re going to tell me everything about Eda, okay? I want to know about this amazing person who also gets to me a mamá to my amazing daughter.”
Luz giggles, and she does.
She tells her mother all about the most powerful witch in the Boiling Isles, her mentor and — mom .