Work Text:
“ Dan? Daaan?” He calls out, peeking around the corner.
“ Hello, I am Dan,”
“ Yes, I know. Now-” Wait.
Then who’s on the couch watching TV?
“ Yeah?” Dan yells from the couch.
“ Is this you??” He motions to the Dan in front of him.
“ Yes I am Daniel Cain,”
“ WHAT???”
“ OH NO!!” Couch Dan gets up and runs into the kitchen.
“ I am real Dan,”
“ NO YOU’RE NOT!!”
“ Then who am i?” His body suddenly morphs into multitudes of shapes, Nagito Komeada- Sans- Jeremy from BMC- Nagito again- The room begins glowing purple, dishes floating with the creature in front of them
“ HERBERT, I KNOW WHO THIS IS–” He screams, his long hair flying around.
“ You do?” The creature croaks.
“ YOU’RE FROM COOKIE RUN KIMGDOM!!!!”
The creature turns into Herbert and says, “ Are you sure, Daniel?”
“ What the frick!?!?!” Herbert mumbles.
“ Why are you acting so out of character??”
“ Cause this is a crack-fic, Danny. Characterization doesn’t matter in these! Can’t you tell? We’re just standing here. No facial expressions, no actions. Nothing. We could be floating heads and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference,”
“ I think I’m gonna puke-” Dan mumbles, running over to the garbage can.
“ If you’re gonna puke anything can you puke a laser to kill that thing from Cookie Run: Kingdom!”
Dan begins wretching, before out of his mouth shoots a laser beam. Herbert grabs his shoulders and aims him toward the cookie, “ Who’s baked now?!”
“ I was always the one baked dumbass,”
“ Wait shit you’re right. BUT ALAS, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Dan’s laser cuts right through his middle.
The cookie returns to its normal state and falls. “ I WILL BE BACK!!!” It screams out.
Dan leans over and pukes through the floor.
“ Daniel, get your butt away from me,” He says, squirming away from Dan.
“ How do I stop puking??”
“ Just stop,”
Dan stops puking.
“ What the fuck?”
“ Yeah, this universe is really weird, don’t question it, Danny. We should be back to normal soon. Remember the last time this happened? When I sold you to the beatles?”
Dan winces at the memory, “...Yeah, but I thought- I don’t know,” He sighs.
“ Good, now you can wish for anything. Watch this,” Herbert looks up, “ Give me the full working reagent formula,”
“ Ayo I gotchu bb,” It flies through the air and hits him in the face.
“ OW SHIT-”
“ You’re welcome,”
Dan’s jaw drops to the floor and his eyes pop out of his skull.
“ JESUS CHRIST, DANNY!” Herbert yells, eyes popping out of skull.
“ Can I uhhh get a borgef,”
“ Sure,” Suddenly the doorbell rings.
“ You gonna get that?” Herbert asks.
“ No you get it,”
“ omg no you get it,”
“ Noo you get it,” Suddenly Dan and Herbert are sitting on two beds in two different pink rooms, phones in hand.
“ WHAT THE FRICK???”
“ WHY AM I KICKING MY FEET??” Herbert screeches.
“ Cause yall are arguing like little girls,”
“ FUCK YOU”
“ DIE WHORE,” Suddenly Herbert flies through the roof, into the sun.
“ HOW DARE YOU-!” Herbert and Dan quickly respawn right back where they were at the start.
Dan stands up from the couch and runs into the kitchen, “ Herbert?!”
“ Dan!”
“ Dude, what do we do?”
“ Did you just call me dude?”
“ WE’RE IN A CRACKFIC, STUPID. That doesn’t matter!”
“ I–i-i-i-ii-i-ii-i-i–i-i–i-ii-i-i–ii’m back frickers,”
“ OH GOD DA-”
" FUCK. WAIT IM BASICALLY A GOD RN," Dan yells. " Uhhh I wish for the stupid fucjing narrator to disappear."
" Noooooo also I'm black oooo" god mumbesl dishes.
" Okay, that's better– OH MY GOD!" Herbert creams as he suddenly sees nagito komeada in the distance.
" Despair or sum thing I was hyperfixated on this stupid game last fucking year" nagito screams back.
" Who are you,"
That's nagito komeada
Thanks Dan
Hey where'd the dialogue go, where not speaking.
Idc
Okay Dan let's keep going.
I'm not Dan I'm nagito komeada.
THEN SHU TUP
" look I'm just as gay and mentally ill as the both of you combined you just have to listen to me,"
" No," they say in unison.
" Yes nagito says.
" Okay' Dan says
" Dan get the gun," Herbert says.
" No hes right, we lost focus and had a consensual workplace relationship. That makes us gya. Also were mentally ill." Dan places a hand on herberts shoulder.
" I'm not mentally ill🤬🤬" Herbert yells
" Youre literally an age regresser shithead dumbass💀💀"
" SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"
" Guys stop fighting. Or I'll need to call someone,"
" Ayo bet
Suddenly nagito rips his phone out of his pocket and calls s random number.
" I'm on my way," a British voice booms through his cheap ass Nokia.
Dan and Herbert gasp in unison as they hear a ring from their doorbell. They run up to it and se…
" Hello, everybody. Where are the kids?" The British woman asks.
" OMG SUPERNANNY?!!!?!!!!😱😱😱" DAN GSDPS.
" I hate British 'people' " Herbert mutters.
" Thats it. You're going on the naughty step,"
" What the fuck??"
" Told you!" Nagito yells from the other side of the house.
" Come along," the lady says, " now the way you get children to comply is to look them in the eye." She tells Dan.
She pulls Herbert to the stairwell and sets him down and Dan follows, completely shocked.
" You are not allowed to say that British people are not human. Now you are going to stay on this step until the microwave goes off."
Supernanny turns on her heels and looks at camera. " Now you need to put them on the naughty step for their age plus one minute."
She takes Dan over to the microwave and inputs 24 minutes, " isn't that a bit much?"
" Do you want to go on the naughty step, Cain?"
Dan winces and shakes his head.
" I HAVE RIGHTS!!" Herbert screeches.
" Okay 5'7 'man' " Supernanny taunts, walking away.
Suddenly Herbert bursts into tears, getting misgendered by people is not fun.
Saul Goodman suddenly walks in, " You have rights,"
" I do?"
" Yes. Now stand up,"
Herbert stands up.
" British people are not, and will never count as legal human beings. They fall more under the ' monkey ' category, so you are correct,"
Suddenly Herbert and Saul Goodman run into the other room, where Supernanny is teaching Dan about chore schedules.
" Hey Herbert, Supernanny just taught me this amazing way to keep track of–"
" OH MY GOD SHES HYPNOTIZED HIM!" Herbert yells.
Supernanny cackles.
Suddenly Herbert whispers in Saul's ear, " yes, technically this would count as self defense,"
Herbert suddenly jump Supernanny and pulls her eyes out of her skull. suddenly she explodes into flames and turns into Satan himself.
" Your boyfriend is mine now!!" He screens.
" well not anymore," nagito jeers.
" DIE YOU AND YOUR ASSUSTANT!!" THE DEVIL SCREECHES.
" IT WAS A CONSENSUAL. WORKPLACE. RELATIONSHIP!!!!!" Herbert screams back, pouring 12 beakers of reagent into its mouth with his mahical boy powers.
" Omg jus like the wife guy from try gays." Satan creams as he dies.
Herbert lets out a sigh of relief as the devil disintegrated, leaving only his heart.
Herbert scoops up the heart and shoves it into nagitos mouth, killing himinstant.
" Thank God," then he runs over to Dan. " Daniel wake up!!"
He scoops Dan up in his arms like that one thing I think was in the Gilgamesh ig??
Suddenly Dan wakes up, " I just wanna rollybrolly with a dab of ranch"
" Oh Dan, thank God– I love you"
" Love you to heevet. Anyways wanna watch me knit another sweater. "
" Gay people, have rights." Suqls smiles as everything goes back.