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She was used to it.
After all, her parents were; They came from the Dominican Republic to the United States as kids! Surely Luz could handle that too. They did. They came out well enough for it.
So Luz decided it shouldn’t be too sad that they left her childhood home, and were going someplace new; Think of it as a fun journey! Or a roadtrip! That’s what her dad suggested, but Luz could tell, he was tired. More tired than he should’ve been; This wasn’t the Manny who always dazzled Luz with bright stories and adventures, with countless books and their fascinating lessons. But he was still her dad and she loved him, so even if it wasn’t a fun roadtrip, Luz would make this sacrifice for him; Just as her fantasy heroes would.
…Besides, even if she didn’t fit in here, it wasn’t like she really fit in back in her previous home, either! So it didn’t make a difference. The only REAL thing she had to lose was her family, but they were with her the entire time and it’d always be like that. Just like all of Luz’s characters; They were ostracized by society, but they still had their family, the ones whose opinions really mattered, by her side! As long as the Nocedas were together, they could conquer anything!
Her mom said it was because they were looking for a prettier house, but Luz could tell the actual reason; She wasn’t dumb, her dad promised her that and she trusted him more than her teachers and fellow students, here or back there. And Luz didn’t blame her mother Camila, she could tell she was just hiding the truth to make Luz feel better; It’s okay Mom! So Luz wouldn’t let herself worry.
In the meantime, Luz should just focus on being herself; That’s what her dad always reminded her to do. That’s how her favorite characters found happiness, and her dad explained that a lot of fiction was based on reality! Luz just had to believe and hope and keep on trying, just like all of the protagonists.
Luz found friends?!
Okay, obviously it had to happen. That’s how it happened in the stories, obviously she’d keep trying, after all, her mom and dad found each other! But still!
Their names were Jesse and Violet. They were hanging around the playground and had visited Luz after she’d tried to do an anatomy on a lesson on a dead cicada she found; Her mom had always taught her to appreciate animals of any kind, and she’d seen a lot of patients of a wide variety. But even if her mom hadn’t, Luz felt like it was just so inherent to her to love something like a bug or snake, and she couldn’t explain why.
Jesse and Violet had actually seemed interested, and Luz launched into a passionate speech about cicadas, about the poetic tragedy of their lives, spending most of them underground, only to emerge as beautiful winged creatures! Jesse and Violet were impressed, and Luz sighed in content; Things were making sense again. Eventually, her mom came over to pick her up, but right before that, Luz made sure to give the cicada a proper burial, a proper eulogy he deserved.
Her dad… Wasn’t getting any better. But he was good at hiding it, like always; He cared for Luz and she loved him for that. But she also wanted her dad to just talk to her again; He’d always treated Luz as the smartest person in the room, was always frank to Luz about weird things. When Luz found a dead animal to draw, he’d crouch beside her and listen intently to what Luz had to explain. Her dad asked why dead animals, but he wasn’t disgusted about it like the others; He just genuinely wanted to know!
And obviously, Luz had explained matter-of-factly, dead animals are ideal models for their infamous stillness; She loved the live patients her mom went through, but they would never listen, never sit still long enough for her. Though, if Luz ever considered animation, that might make for good references; But right now, she was focused on still-lifes! Manny had reassured her she’d do great, and her mom followed suit when she went outside. She was a lot less enthusiastic about the roadkill, but that was okay; Luz knew her mom cared a lot for animals, so she couldn’t blame her for being sad.
Luz wished she could talk to her dad. And her mom. She technically did, but it wasn’t thes same, somehow. She didn’t know how to say it. Luz searched it up online, read how people dealt with pain in a lot of ways, and so she opted to respect them. Besides, it’d eventually get better, right? Or at least stay the same. She was fine if it stayed the same with Manny, if his condition didn’t get better but didn’t get worse, either. That was fine too!
She was used to it. Her dad shouldn’t be sick, but as long as he was alive, Luz could get used to it, like he did. She just wished she could do more than that; Not just react but act! Luz didn’t want to feel helpless, she just felt like a screw-up who couldn’t do anything, even more than usual. She made her dad smile and laugh and sometimes her mom, but it wasn’t enough. Luz wasn’t enough.
They had to leave again.
Luz didn’t know how to feel. One of her first thoughts was about Jesse and Violet, who had invited her to another event a few weeks from now, but then she admonished herself. What about her dad? He did SO much to look after her… Luz couldn’t just leave him behind! If she could do anything to help, then she’d do it!
Besides. Her mom was looking more and more tired too. Luz hoped it wasn’t the sickness, but her mom promised her that, and anyhow, her mom would be in the bed with Dad too if she was. No, Luz’s mom was just… Tired. She stayed away from home for longer periods, and came back looking more and more tired. Visiting Dad helped, but it also didn’t; Because when they were done laughing, Mom looked even more tired when the doctor came in and talked to her.
They’d probably move again. Someone had to be out there, somewhere, Luz guessed; They just had to find them! So when her mom explained that this new house just wasn’t cutting it, had a lot of cracks and broken places here or there, a whole lot of dust, Luz got the hint. She of course pointed out the spiders and cobwebs wasn’t an issue, and Mom acknowledged that; But everything else couldn’t be fixed.
Her dad asked if Luz was okay about leaving Jesse and Violet, if she wanted to stay in touch with them over phones. Luz said she was fine with it, she’d made friends over the internet before! Well, sort-of friends. But she’d actually met Jesse and Violet in real life, so it still counted!
Their next home was called Gravesfield. Under any other circumstance, Luz would’ve loved it, but…
Her dad had clued her onto something wonderful in stories; Called foreshadowing. When the author would include little details to suggest a pattern, that would then be repeated later.
Manny wasn’t looking any better, but he was definitely looking worse. Luz didn’t want to think her life was THAT kind of story, usually someone like her, who was lonely and suffering, they should be the underdog who eventually find happiness!
But they also had to suffer and lose. Luz thought about a couple of books, where the protagonists were orphans. Sure, they went on magical adventures later, but; The idea hardly seemed appealing in favor of having her dad well and okay. Luz didn’t want magic and fantasies, at least not like this.
Luz stopped talking to Jesse and Violet after a while. Or did they stop talking to her? The calls were shorter and there was more time between them. Maybe Luz was just getting too sad for them. It felt horrible to lose them, Luz was back to no friends; But then she reminded herself, she was used to it. Her Mom and Dad had also lost some people when they immigrated. She should be able to handle it too, like her parents! She was a Noceda after all.
She’d gotten used to moving already. Maybe it was a bit different in some ways, but it was still the same! Luz went to school and people responded as they usually did. Her dad told her they were jerks, Luz should keep being the same. Luz wanted to trust him, but she also remembered how him and mom were lying about why they moved, acting like it was fine. She didn’t think it was actually true, that Manny was lying about THAT as well… No. Don’t think it!
Her dad died.
Luz hadn’t touched any books or movies or the like since then. Were they supposed to make her feel better?! They weren’t her dad. They weren’t Manny Noceda. They weren’t Papa. He was dead.
Kids seemed to avoid her even more, while at the same time constantly giving Luz looks of pity. She was used to it. Other kids didn’t seem to be intentionally mean, not always… They just didn’t seem to know what to do with Luz. It was fine since her dad did and that was all she needed, but now…
She wasn’t used to this.
Her mom at least got to openly sob and cry now. So did Luz. They gave a euology and Luz watched as her dad was lowered and buried into the dirt. Gravesfield. As soon as Luz remembered, she broke down again.
What would she do without her dad?! What would her mom do!? Well, even if Manny stopped helping take care of the house, at least they no longer had to keep paying bills for hi-
No. Luz was such a terrible person, why would she even think that!?
She tried not to think after a while. But eventually, Luz couldn’t help but notice how tired her mom still was. Her mom got worried about her, and she was at least managing to hide the grief again, for Luz.
Luz was being such a bad person, giving her mom something else to worry about, all over again. If Luz wanted to do something to cheer her mom up, she needed to do it! She thought what about what her dad would do, and say. He always knew how to make mom happy. He’d know.
So Luz shut herself up, but only inwardly. She went outside like before, but she made sure to smile more. It hurt, but her mom had other places to be anyway. She’d learned in school all about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, that people had to focus on their physical wellbeing before stuff like emotions or whatnot! And they needed food on the table. Her mom also had people’s pets to take care of, too! Luz couldn’t let them get hurt or die, and make her mom even sadder!
Maybe Luz just needed a distraction. How did people even deal with this, eventually!? Sometimes she forgot he was gone. Then Luz remembered, her dad had left her a gift, and…
She hadn’t read it. She felt awful for not doing that. She was sure her dad wanted her to read it so much, if he picked it out for her! Luz tore off the wrapping and it as a book called The Good Witch Azura. It had a woman on the front who looked kind of like Luz, if she squinted; Except she had long green hair, a white and purple outfit! It must’ve been about magic. Luz figured she’d give it a try, for Papa.
SHE LOVED IT SHE LOVED IT SO MUCH-
Her mind was buzzing. It was on FIRE. She kept thinking about this. Then that! She couldn’t focus on anything else. Luz was vibrating, even moreso than usual. Azura was such a cool person, and she had such a TRAGIC backstory, but regardless she reached out to the old lady and found a mentor, and her fluffy little friend! And Hecate, OH she was something, she was awful, but Luz wanted to know more! She felt there was more to Hecate than that!
It came as a shock when Luz realized that for a solid while, she stopped thinking of her dad’s death.
At first she felt terrible, awful all over again. She shoved the book under her bed. But then in the middle of the night, she couldn’t sleep and was thinking about it again. What was the title of the sequel, included in the back? And she was trying to figure out something that didn’t make sense, wasn’t there a chapter that mentioned…?
Okay, she couldn’t help it. She turned on the light and checked. Suddenly it all made sense again, her mind felt relieved. It was like a spark had been lit inside of Luz, and she was just bouncing around with joy; Jittering and shaking, like she was hyped up on sugar, but this did MORE than any sweet treat could! She’d tried coffee before, but this was a different kind of hype altogether. It was like a life breathed into Luz.
It was…
Familiar.
It wasn’t a new feeling, actually; Luz suddenly remembered that she DID used to feel like this. She was used to it. It was from, from…
Before the illness.
Luz suddenly felt a lot of pain, an entire pang of grief. She used to feel like this. But she also stopped for a REASON, her dad was dead, and, and!
But then she remembered again. How her dad read her stories, helped Luz make costumes and cheered them on, clapped so much! Said it was a great idea for Luz to walk in public with her costumes and show them off! She’d worked hard on them.
It hurt to remember that. But Luz HAD to. They were memories of her dad too, as was his death.
And… Her dad meant this book as a gift. Gifts made people happy! And her dad did so much to make Luz happy, she… She had to ensure it didn’t go to waste!
Luz smiled at the cover. How did her dad even know? How could he tell what Luz would like? Did he know someone else like that?! It was all a mystery to Luz. He was really the smartest person ever, and still was even now! Like Einstein.
Her mom had noticed the improvement in Luz’s attitude and looked delighted, and like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Luz felt relieved at that herself; It was like her dad made her mom feel better, through Luz!
Luz kept going to school, but now she was engrossed in The Good Witch Azura. She’d immediately gotten her hands on the sequel and read through the whole thing in a single go, only pausing briefly to switch between classes. Her teachers seemed miffed that she wasn’t paying attention, but it wasn’t like Luz paid attention even before then.
One day, one of them took Luz’s book from her. She was reading the sequel, when it was pried from her hands, and she yelled angrily. The teacher just said a lot about how it was a distraction, and placed it on their desk.
Luz didn’t know how to feel… How to get it back?! She went home later that day, and didn’t tell her mom. Her mom looked tired again as usual, so Luz figured she’d work on it herself. The more Luz thought about it, the angrier she got, too; Those books weren’t a distraction, they were good! Luz had started writing again. And drawing, too! She just wrote a fanfic and actually got some nice comments!
Her dad was right. So were the stories he’d shown her. Luz didn’t have to apologize for anything, everyone else just couldn’t handle her! Luz eventually hatched a scheme, set up a distraction, and got the book back. The teacher had forgotten about it already, and didn’t even notice the absence.
Luz continued to immerse herself in the Azura book series, and began showing off some of her drawings in art class! But her art teacher wasn’t happy, said ‘it didn’t count’. One time, Luz heard her talking to co-workers, and she was certain it was her she meant, when she mentioned a student being lazy.
Luz had no idea what they were talking about, it didn’t make sense, yet somehow she could tell it was about her. Her, lazy?! Luz felt like she’d been on an eternal sugar high ever since she found Azura. She’d pumped out so much fanart and fanfic, read SO much since then, she genuinely didn’t get what the teacher meant. Or that teacher. Or ALL the teachers. She was trying to show them how hard she worked, but they just didn’t get it!
Maybe something was wrong with Luz. She was terrible at talking to people.
It didn’t help that one day, Luz had to be sent to a counselor. He talked to Luz about her bad grades again, but she was used to it. She’d gone through that at the previous place, too; And the place before THAT, her first neighborhood. It’d been a thing even before her dad got sick.
That’s why it didn’t make sense, and hurt, when the counselor brought up her dad. Luz felt angry that he brought up his name because… Okay, YEAH, it didn’t help that he died! But it wasn’t that! Or, it wasn’t JUST that! It wasn’t that anymore!
That’s how the adults around her kept talking about it; Oh that poor girl, she lost her dad! That’s why she was acting out! Luz hated it. She loved her dad, he meant everything to her, but…
He was gone. And she had to accept it, right? But at the same time he wasn’t GONE gone, she’d read a beautiful story at the library once. The main character realized their loved one was still alive in a sense, even after their death; They’d inherited the instruments they learned so much music from. And they kept playing them.
Her dad was alive, he wasn’t THAT dead! Stop reminding Luz of the funeral! She’d just started feeling normal again, and…
Not this again. Not this grief. She was used to it, but still hated it. Why did they keep reminding her?!
Still, her grades hadn’t been getting better, either. Luz didn’t get it, she DID pay attention in class when she remembered to, too; But if she kept asking questions about this or that, her teacher would tell her to move on, it wasn’t important anymore! Why bring it up if that wasn’t the case?!
They wouldn’t let Luz enjoy Azura. They wouldn’t let her enjoy class. She didn’t get it… Luz had a lot of ideas but people weren’t interested. It wasn’t like she was dumb or bad at things, maybe just THIS thing, but not completely! She wasn’t stupid. She wasn’t oblivious, just really focused…
Her mom was getting worried again. Luz was used to that, but her mom shouldn’t have been. Luz just needed to be better at class, that’s all! Her teachers said Luz wasn’t trying, well, maybe she just REALLY needed to put in a lot of effort, go above and beyond! That’d show them, and reassure her mom that Luz wasn’t lazy, and that she could do well in school. She knew her mom was struggling to keep food on the table, and if Luz got a good job, they wouldn’t have to worry about that! Luz wanted to be an author, that could be the solution!
She was used to it.
That’s what Luz wanted to tell herself. She’d moved away and traveled plenty of times!
But… Her mom wasn’t with her.
Of course she wasn’t, her mom was busy and had a lot to take care of! And Luz hadn’t helped, she’d just made things worse. It’d be one less burden for her mom, even! Luz was used to moving away for a parent. She could handle this.
But that just reminded her of her dad. Luz thought long and hard about what her mom said, about her stories being a distraction… Maybe she was right…
But no, she couldn’t have been! Then her dad would’ve been wrong! And all those happy times she had with him, or because of him… That couldn’t have been wrong! Luz went back to grab her book anyway, but it’d taken away by an adorable little owl. She’d followed it, and…
She wasn’t used to THIS. Going to new places, maybe. And a lot of the new places seemed rather samey. But this place was unlike anything Luz had ever seen; It reminded her of her stories, of Azura in particular! It was like a dream come true.
Luz had a mentor and a fluffy sidekick, like Azura! Maybe she’d even find a Hecate of her own, too! It all felt so right to her; Of course she stuck to her beliefs and it paid off! Thanks, Papa… This was exactly like her stories, and when for a while Luz had mourned this, now she loved it!
And magic! Luz liked magic! She could do magic! She did so well with Azura, she could do well here! And it was an entire world with adults who all agreed it was good and sensible! They even got upset at people who DIDN’T do well with magic! So Luz could figure it out. She’d figured out witchtongue, applied it in speech and writing to five dialects in an unprecedented breakthrough. Luz wasn’t a mess-up, she just didn’t find her right place.
Eda agreed! Eda said that us weirdoes had to stick together. Luz just needed the right place and people, right? And she’d show her mom, and everyone else!
In the meantime, Luz had to work hard to be Eda’s apprentice. Luz wasn’t sure if Eda appreciated her at first, but she eventually came through. She helped Luz enroll at Hexside, a place she hated; And for a while, Luz wasn’t sure why. She didn’t deserve it! But Eda went for it anyway, and she couldn’t let her down, just like she wouldn’t let down-
Luz blinked. And then cautiously shoved the comparison away.
It came back to haunt her anyway.
Eda explained to Luz this wasn’t a story. Being special in and of itself wasn’t special, EVERYONE and everything was unique in its own way. But you could still be special in a way that was special…
Luz just had to put in the effort! And Luz DID put in effort! So maybe things could be different. Eda didn’t have to suffer from her curse. Luz knew all of the tips and tricks, recognized exactly how Eda tried to hide it.
It wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t repeat, like some messed-up parallel. Life wasn’t a story, only if Luz made it that way, and she was working for the opposite anyhow! Luz put in the work and effort. She helped King take care of Eda, even consulted Hooty!
But it all felt too familiar. Eda kept getting worse. She said she wasn’t. But Luz could tell the elixir wasn’t doing enough. She was used to it; The dying. The lying. But it didn’t hurt any less, which made Luz wonder what was even the point of going through it the first time; Whatever happened to pain being an opportunity to learn? She thought things could be different this time, here, just like the Demon Realm was; But as Luz remembered, different isn’t special. Things are unique but still the same in a way.
Of course Luz could get this wonderful new place, have someone like Eda… And then lose it all over again. Of course… Would they have to move, soon?! Why couldn’t Luz just have THIS, everyone else could be happy, it wasn’t fair and felt like some sick joke! Luz didn’t want Eda to feel ashamed for her curse, like she was burdening Luz with it, but it just reminded Luz how her dad didn’t deserve this, nobody deserved this, and maybe Luz WAS afraid for herself as well-
Luz asked about the Healing Coven, but the teacher reiterated nobody had known what to do, not even the esteemed Hettie Cutburn or her predecessor. Nor did Vitimir, a better potion-maker than Eda or Morton combined. But somebody in the coven had to know something, be it Eda’s sister Lilith, or even this enigmatic Emperor Belos…
Luz was used to it. She had experience; She knew what to look out for and make things right this time. She wasn’t the same kid as she was before, she was a developing witch with magic! She’d figure it out. This time, things could be different.
Instead, they just stayed the same.
Eda didn’t die. Lilith’s spell had worked, after all…
But neither did Manny, when Luz’s mom had scraped together the funds for an operation. It definitely gave him more time, and Luz treasured that time, but it also hadn’t prevented the inevitable. Just delayed it.
Luz wasn’t fooled at this point. Maybe her life WAS some messed-up story after all, in a way totally out of her control. Eda had come back from the depths of the curse, like her dad being resuscitated that one night. But it’d just happen again unless Luz did something…
If only she could! She just wasn’t good enough; She got Gwen’s help, but then set off Eda’s curse again because of it. Eda’s curse wouldn’t have even gotten so bad for Lilith to step in, if Luz hadn’t looked for Cutburn’s hat in Belos’ castle…
She should’ve listened to Eda about the covens being no good. But Luz had to do something! She couldn’t let things get worse, they had to be BETTER, too! It needed to be different this time. It had to be.
But no. It got worse, because Eda lost her magic. And somehow, the situation on the isles got worse, too; The covens were closing in. Belos’ grip got tighter. Luz had lost the Portal and destroyed it, SHE did, when she could’ve just handed it over. She couldn’t let Belos into the human world, she had to protect her mom…
How could Luz have done things differently? Maybe if she’d have never been there, for one; If Luz hadn’t looked for the Healing Hat. Then Eda wouldn’t have gone to save her. Then Luz wouldn’t have gone to save her, in return; And Eda wouldn’t have given her the Portal. If Luz hadn’t done this, if she hadn’t showed up…!
No. NO, that was terrible thinking! Of course Luz was a good thing here! Eda and King were happier, so were Willow, Gus, Amity and her siblings! Hexside was more open to multi-track learning. She’d done a GOOD thing.
That’s not how Camila saw it.
Sure, Luz could do good things; But that didn’t cancel out all of the bad. She’d still destroyed the portal, and still separated herself from her mom. And now her mom was crying and sobbing, begging her to come back, and…
Luz had to say yes! Everything for family. But she also had Eda and the others here, and she LIKED it here… But mostly, Luz had to make things right for everyone here!
Besides, maybe it was a good thing she left. Now Vee was here, and she was clearly better at being a human, and a daughter to Camila, than Luz. That stung; Vee wasn’t human herself. Not that Luz would ever look down on Vee for it, think of her as any less of a person for that, never! But it seems Vee handled the culture shock a lot better than Luz had with the Demon Realm. Maybe it wasn’t just that Luz had been in the wrong place, maybe she did struggle to adjust in general as well.
Luz just had to… She had to figure something out! So when Kikimora sobbed with her mother, Luz recognized the signs. She SAW herself in Kikimora. And she’d make it different for her, and if she could make it different then Kiki, maybe she could do the same for herself! And if Luz could make her situation with her mom different, then with Eda, maybe…!
Of course it didn’t work out. Kikimora left her family anyway. And she didn’t even seem happy about it, either! It just made her more miserable.
She really was a mistake.
Luz hadn’t meant it. But it still happened. Luz hadn’t MEANT to hurt her mom’s feelings. But she still did, hadn’t she? She’d still abandoned her mom? She hadn’t MEANT to rob Eda of her magic, but the effort resulted in that.
Of course! Luz was used to this. Used to being a screw-up. The only thing she could help in was making things worse!
So it all made some sort of sick sense; Not just that Belos was Philip Wittebane. But that she’d helped him. He taught him the final glyph, and thus opened Belos up to every magical possibility, so long as he’d experimented with the combinations. And he’d been doing so for centuries…
He said Luz was the same as him. She wasn’t! But they were humans. They both came here. And they both made things worse, together. Yeah, some things were different, but they could still be the same; Just as people special wasn’t special in and of itself.
The worst part? There WAS a destiny; Luz had been fated to help Philip. That was the only reason she came here, the only purpose she served. And if there was a magical destiny, then it was a story. Things DID repeat.
Luz didn’t get it. She’d done it all to relinquish that wish. She’d recognized it as immature, those stories of hers! Not that her dad was, this was a DIFFERENT situation, it didn’t count but…
It didn’t matter. Luz got her magical destiny, like she’d asked for! She wanted a story. She got it. And she was doomed to play it out. Luz could see the ‘foreshadowing’ as she’d learned about, see how things would get worse and keep it that way because of her. She had to make things right, though; No more pity parties for her. She didn’t deserve it, and for all her bad, Luz did manage to do some things good. She helped her mom stop worrying for a bit.
She couldn’t say the same for Eda; Luz had asked her if they had something figured out, but they didn’t. Eda eventually broke down sobbing that all she could think of was to send Luz away, which- No, not again! Luz did all she could to fight back. She had to, for Eda’s good… Why couldn’t they just let her help?! Why did they keep lying!?
…Whatever. She was used to it. Being treated like some stranger people couldn't trust.
Eda eventually apologized. Said this shouldn’t all be on Luz; But a part of her wanted it to be. At least then, she could do something about it! Instead of just being some helpless bystander, and at least Eda seemed to give Luz a chance for a moment, with the CATTs’ help.
Yeah, her girlfriend told her about no more secrets, but this was different! Her dad had told a white lie for her, as did her mom. Luz just had to help, she had to save Hunter after getting Belos’ target on his back for knowing the truth…
She saw Kikimora again. Kikimora brought her there, and as Luz guessed, she’d really tried and done it all for nothing. God, wasn’t she being the same as Philip, too; Projecting herself onto people!? Maybe he was right. More and more right. But Luz could still do something, there was SOME difference that mattered!
She forgot all about it when she heard them. The Collector, was what they were called by Belos; But the Titan Trappers knew him as the Grand Huntsman. It passed by so quickly, Luz and Kikimora were just flies on the wall to those two; But then the Collector put it so succinctly;
“I gave you the draining spell! I taught you magic stronger than anybody’s!”
So did Luz.
The draining spell hadn’t exactly been because of the glyph Luz offered. But it was still from something else she gave Belos, that disc… That disc she thought meant little in the grand scheme of things, and anyhow he needed it for his portal! Right?
Did Belos even MAKE a portal, why else did he demand Eda’s?! Did Luz travel back in time for nothing; Helped set in place a genocide, all for nothing!? She thought she could do good, but apparently she only did bad; And now it was even worse than she imagined.
She HAD to make things right. Luz needed to, right then and there. She couldn’t let herself fail again.
She was used to it.
Of course she failed. Of course she’d made things worse.
She thought Belos was bad? Luz practically laughed at the thought. Because that Collector kid made him look like a drop in the ocean compared to him; Literally, Belos had been splattered into meaningless goop. Utterly liquefied.
The Collector wouldn’t have been freed if he’d never met Philip. If he’d never met Belos, he wouldn’t have taught him the draining spell, that he’d need to be freed to undo! And now this all-powerful kid was tearing up the Demon Realm, he took King and had desecrated his dad’s corpse-
Luz was responsible for him too.
She’d unleashed a genocidal witch hunter, and now an actual god! She’d brought chaos and disaster, just like Philip. And he’d died violently for his crimes, maybe Luz should follow next!
She tried to make it different this time, she really did. She remembered how Eda sent her away, as she succumbed to the curse. Now King was sending her away, but she couldn’t let that happen!
But it did.
Luz didn’t do anything right.
Gus had broken down in the middle of what should’ve been his greatest dream. Luz ruined her dream for herself, but she had to do it for him, too! In the end, they’d all failed, so did it really matter if her friends had been there? All Luz did was drag them into this mess. She saw them in the rain, drenched, Hunter stoic-faced and bottled up as ever, Willow feeling guilt as if SHE caused this and not Luz. And her girlfriend, Amity; She seemed lost on what to do. Looking for someone to tell her, all over again.
Ah. So all the good she did just got reset, hadn’t it?
Luz should’ve been happy when she reunited with her mom… Her MOM was happy! But it was just the beginning of all she needed to make up for. Maybe Camila should be glad for her, and Vee too; In the meantime, Luz had to focus on making things right for her friends. And Eda and King, and all the people of the isles. If Luz hadn’t allowed Belos and the Collector to meet… There wouldn’t have even been covens, people like her Cool Aunt Lilith wouldn’t have been like that, Kikimora wouldn’t have forsaken her family!
She helped Bump defy the covens? There wouldn’t have BEEN a coven, if not for Luz! She remembered what Philip did. Creating a problem, just to swoop in and ‘fix it’, and gain people’s love and approval. He was the problem and the solution at once. But it’d have been better if he wasn’t there to begin with.
But, no! Luz could worry and bemoan. But she wouldn’t be like Philip, because she’d try to make things right! No pity parties. No moping. What did letting herself feel sad accomplish, anyway, besides dragging everyone down with her! Luz had a mission and she’d do it. What else was she here for, or could be here for, besides all of this misery?!
And Eda… God she missed her and King so much, it ached. But Luz thought Eda had trusted her. Had apologized. But maybe she hadn’t, not really. Because the more she looked back and thought about it, Eda encouraged Luz to go after her girlfriend; Away from the action. Was that the real reason Eda even indulged this?! Not because she wanted to let Luz in, but under the guise of doing so, just to keep her away.
The worst part was, she was right! Because even away from everything, Luz still found a way to insert herself into this mess, and she ruined it. Made it worse. Just like before. Even King seemed to agree, opting to banish Luz back to whence she came, rather than stick around and continue to be a burden; But it was fine!
She was used to it.
It had been fun for a bit.
Her friends helped her forget. It was lovely seeing Gus get used to the human realm and engage in it, constantly buzzing like Luz when she first read The Good Witch Azura. Hunter was actually seeming more at ease now, Amity and Willow seemed to be getting along after all this time!
Of course, Luz couldn’t help but notice how Vee had to let go of her friends, relinquish that life for Luz; Vee must’ve thought she was an impersonator, but it was clearly Luz! Masha and the others, Luz didn’t know them; Vee taught her things, but it was too much to deal with. They drifted apart, except there was never any connection to begin with; But those poor friends of Vee’s thought there was.
Vee got to have her own new face, but Luz noticed the occasional longing, how she stifled staying in the house, when once she got free roam as ‘Luz’! And now Luz had taken that from her. At least Vee did things right when SHE visited a new world. Now Luz was back and reintroducing herself. It should’ve been Vee. She offered it, but Vee insisted that Luz take back ‘her’ place, as if Luz fit in here or anywhere else!
Luz could tell Vee was sad. But she also didn’t want to tell Vee what to do, so before she knew it, she went along with it. Maybe it was because at school, Luz could stay away from the others and not be reminded. But that was such a selfish reason.
They hadn’t made any progress. Of course they hadn’t. If Philip didn’t when he had access to magic and then the resources of the entire isles as Emperor, across centuries… What better could Luz do? She had neither the Demon Realm nor Magic. She was back to being ‘regular’ (as regular as she could ever be) old Luz. Just a worthless human. Or worse than worthless, with the problems she actively caused. Gee, maybe Belos had been interested in Luz, partly because he knew he could weaponized her against witches if properly wielded!
The fun she had with the others, it was all superficial. They’d have traded it back in a heartbeat for their parents, their REAL families; And Luz couldn’t blame them. She’d have given it all for her dad, plus, prioritizing others over her just made sense. Alongside her mom and Vee, Luz kept wondering, waiting, for the others to eventually blow up at her; For their patience to wear thin as their anger reached a boiling point and burst, as they eventually remembered how much Luz had hurt them, how she'd used up all her chances. She didn't get it. Why weren't they mad at her?! They deserved to be!
It was inevitable for them to be, it was driving Luz sick as her chest felt heavy and her stomach churned, anxiously anticipating the day when everyone got past the pretenses, cautiously stepping around the others in case this one thing set them off; At this point Luz just wanted to get it over with... But she feared that confronting them before the time was right, her friends would remind themselves NOT to be angry, and thus never let themselves reach the catharsis they deserved.
Or maybe they DID know, and were making Luz terrify herself in the suspense, to drag out her karmic punishment. So Luz let herself agonize more than she would've, driven mad by the confusion of whether it'd come or not, and when, which was only deserved anyhow. They wouldn’t even BE in this mess because of Luz; Hunter wouldn’t have been abused by Belos, had it not been for her. Gus and Willow wouldn’t have been victimized by the coven system, nor would Amity be made to perpetuate it, had Luz not allowed Belos to rise to power.
Honestly, it’d be better if she was dead; Or more specifically, if she never existed.
If Luz was dead, it meant she had still existed, and it meant she still caused her damage. And it’d mean she couldn’t even do anything to make things right. So no, Luz couldn’t be dead. She shouldn’t be, even if she deserved to be.
But it WAS a tempting idea. Luz had only sympathized, never empathized nor understood, how people could want to end it all. Now, she did, and it was an alarming realization and change; But there it was. Maybe that was one way Luz had finally grown up and matured in.
But no. No more pity parties. She needed to do good. Even after everything, Hunter was welcomed into her family because of her, he’d cried joy and got to let it all out. As long as Luz kept doing some things right, maybe she could balance it out, eventually make up for it! Or not. It was centuries of Belos’ harm against her puny lifetime, and she didn’t intend to become even more like him in extending her life with palismen; That would be contradictory to the point of a longer life.
But maybe Luz could make her existence more bearable, for herself and others. She could do that, right? Which reminded her…
Her mom needed her. Or wanted her. Maybe it wasn’t really either, and Camila still hadn’t figured this out, still wasn't letting herself be mad (Luz had inherited the sin of being too nice from her, it seemed), even with Vee there. Luz was grateful for Vee, she’d hugged her a bunch for taking care of her mom for her. For being more thoughtful as to what her mom was up to than Luz herself, when she’d gone off to the Demon Realm. She didn’t deserve Vee, and Vee didn’t deserve her, but for a different reason.
Luz wasn’t sure if she could ever make up for it. But she HAD to try. And she’d promised Mama, anyway, that she’d stay in the human realm, with her. Luz had remembered showing Camila the glyphs she’d discovered, and for what? To make her proud? Or out of some vain hope that her mom would learn and use them in the Demon Realm, as if she didn’t have so much here! The Nocedas had to stick together, and only one was allowed to relent with their ‘place’. Obviously Luz had to return her friends where they truly belonged, but afterwards? Luz wanted to help badly, against the Collector; But then she remembered the last time she demanded to participate, from Eda.
…Maybe she should sit this one out. Let her friends go home, and just stay. Not even get a glimpse of the Demon Realm one last time, because would Luz even have another chance to go back to the human world!? And even if she did, that was no excuse for Luz to keep avoiding it. Nor was it to drag her mom into this Collector mess she’d caused; Her mom had already done so much to clean up after Luz’s mistakes, Luz needed to mature and own up her own, by herself.
This was for the best. This way, Luz stopped bringing more trouble, and could stop thinking of what she did to her friends –she was still selfish that way!- while Camila got to have her daughter back! Her mom had lost her husband, the man she chose to be with her whole life. Luz couldn’t imagine losing Amity, but at least Amity wouldn’t be dead this way. She’d be happier, even, eventually! Even if it was better for Vee for Luz to be gone, maybe Luz could help Vee rekindle her old friendships under a new face?
For the ‘greater good’, as Belos said. Because she really WAS like him, wasn’t she? Which… GOD she’d been scared for a moment, that Belos had survived and was in the Human Realm because of Luz. After she’d destroyed the portal to keep him from there in the first place.
But no, he was dead; Because if he refused to do good, then he’d have to die to stop doing bad. At least Luz had him beaten in that respect; She didn’t HAVE to die to make things better, she was still capable of doing some good. It wasn’t much but it was something, it had to count.
That’s why, in spite of it all…
That night, Luz had opened her laptop. Her video diaries were like a confession to herself, and for a brief while they were messages to her mom. Of course, she wouldn’t show this particular video to Mama, but the main point would be relayed nevertheless;
“Dear diary. All I ever wanted was to be good at something. To be around people who also liked that something. And when I found the Demon Realm, I-I thought, Wow, I found it! I can learn magic! I can BE a witch! I won’t be the dummy in the principal’s office anymore. But I messed up too much, a-and put everyone in danger. Mama says I have to learn from my mistakes, so… I know what I have to do now; On Halloween, after the hayride, I’m telling everyone I’m staying in the human realm. Permanently.”
Luz had been really selfish. She’d wanted to play fantasy games, and made everyone suffer for it. Luz thought back to right before it all started for the Demon Realm, that cursed decision of hers. When her mom had so wisely warned Luz about her stories. Luz hadn’t listened, of course; She still clung onto her delusional escapism.
And it brought her here. If life WAS some messed-up story, it must’ve been a cautionary one, and Luz could make the proper interpretation.
It hadn’t stopped there, either, as if that wasn’t enough! Luz thought of all the times she caused trouble and danger, humiliation for her friends, because she was thinking of some story and how things HAD to do along with it, because that’s how the stories went! Even AFTER Eda had told her life wasn’t a story, which, maybe it was, but a different kind than Luz imagined.
Luz thought her stories did her good, but clearly not. Her dad thought so too, and-
Luz didn’t want to say he was wrong. But in the end, Papa was dead, wasn’t he? It didn’t matter how she tried to spin it. He died. And she failed to save him. And instead of using his stories for good, Luz had shamed him by causing havoc;
She’d gone off on a magical quest, got captured by Adegast; If only he’d known the truth of Luz’s ‘destiny’, even as he put Luz in her place. Willow’s mind burned because of Luz, thinking she could magically rekindle a friendship; And then in Willow’s ‘defense’ once again, Luz had gotten her friends hurt, especially Gus. And her girlfriend…
Amity loved Luz. Luz loved Amity. But she couldn’t help but imagine all those times she saw Amity as her Hecate, to her Azura; How she’d chased after and harassed the poor girl. The humiliation at school and Covention, in the library, what should’ve been her safe space; And oh right, Luz got Amity fired personally by Malphas, who she looked up to! And then all the times Amity had to pick up for Luz’s messes, at Grom, or at the Blight Industries convention… And of course, the Bonesborough Brawl; Luz RUINED that, because her girlfriend couldn’t have nice things!
Amity insisted on sticking with Luz anyway. And she was happier in some regards. But she was happy enough, and Amity had other friends, and her siblings and dad’s support now. She didn’t NEED Luz to be happier anymore, and Luz had seen how strong her girlfriend was anyhow. She could make the right decisions on her own.
Yeah, that was it? Luz had played her part. She’d done her few good things, set them off; Now she had to leave before she ruined that. She’d already caused all of this damage, in a sense. Luz had done enough for everyone, keep it up and she’d destroy it all over again; She was used to it. And the realization gave her peace. It gave her the strength and conviction to stay here, and leave them in the process; She’d already left Eda and King, despite trying not to. Luz was already bastardizing her father’s memory by taking his gifts and using them to cause harm, she had to stop now if she wanted to mitigate any damage.
She’d make things right. She had to. Luz had already left a home and friends, who were probably better off without her anyway, for one parent. Doing it for another should be familiar, and easier. She hated to say goodbye to Eda and King, but she’d caused them plenty of issues; And she’d already lost a parent who supported her weirdness.
That’s right, wasn’t it?! Luz actually thought the Demon Realm was an escape from it all. From the inevitability and not some twisted fulfillment of it instead. She thought she could make things different, but in the end it was only for the worse; Otherwise, nothing changed, nothing got better. Luz found herself in the same dilemmas yet making the same mistakes, and suffering the same tragedies, of course. Losing a place and having to leave to someplace new, having a parent who supported her, then died; And/or sent Luz away. Being a screw-up no matter the change of environment.
The only constant was Luz, so maybe SHE was the causal factor of this mess. Maybe it was all her, and always had been; Luz had reassured Camila that it wasn’t her mom, after all. It was Luz that stayed the same and never got better, despite thinking she could not be a failure for once. Maybe it was Luz’s other ‘destiny’ aside from causing harm, the only thing that stayed the same for Luz by this point was the loneliness. Accepting that, instead of railing against the inevitable and becoming even more like Philip, was at least one way she could mature. Things changed but also stayed the same, and Luz had to deal with both and grow up. It couldn’t be too hard, or at least she’d know how to get it done, after all;
She was used to it.
Luz wasn’t used to this.
She’d screwed up. Badly. Belos had survived, after all, and he’d caused damage here; He hurt Hunter. His body was now covered in scars from possession, and now Belos had returned to the Demon Realm to kill everyone, again! He wouldn’t have been able to if Luz hadn’t led him to the blood, and he’d made it SO clear, because he evidently knew Luz better than she knew herself at times, after all.
And Flapjack...
If only she hadn’t met that wonderful palisman. The thought fleeted through her head. And the truth was out about all Luz had done to help Belos and the Collector, and caused them both for both worlds; Belos had revealed it. He’d revealed how ugly and monstrous she was to the others, just like he revealed his true colors.
When her girlfriend asked what he meant, of course Luz remembered the promises she’d made, at the Coven Day parade and the anniversary of her dad’s death. No more secrets. And yet…
She was such a screw-up. Amity was used to it, but shouldn’t have been. She deserved better than that, ALL of them did!
That’s why Luz said she had to stay behind, away from them, for everyone’s good. That’s… What she meant to do, until her mother had interrupted her plans;
“I think… It’d be in everyone’s best interest if I-”
“Took your Mama to the Demon Realm!”
Luz stumbled back as Camila stepped in. “…WHAT?!”
Next Amity. “I couldn’t hate you, Luz. The fact that you still stand up for us, means enough to me.” Luz was appalled at the unwarranted forgiveness, and Camila didn’t give her a chance to suggest otherwise.
“Mija, now that I’ve seen what you’re up against, there is no way I’m letting you go back alone. It is our duty to help your friends get back to their families.” Her mom insisted.
Luz had to protest; This was Luz’s burden, and her mother had suffered enough from her mistakes, fixed them for her too much. Luz had to grow up and take responsibility on her own! “But-”
And then Hunter;
“You were tricked; That’s what Belos does, he tricks people. And if it weren’t you, it would’ve been someone else. And then there’d be no one left to fight back. So let’s do that. Let’s fight back.”
Luz didn’t know what to say. She was at least familiar to that last bit, about continuing on for the sake of making things right. But to say it was better Luz, than anyone else? That at least she could make things right, if others wouldn’t have?
It made sense, technically. It fit with what she’d decided, about making things right. But it still felt off, to say that Luz could fix things at all, when others couldn’t. Arrogant. Still, she didn’t have time to dwell on the impliations, not for now; The portal Belos had left was closing. Luz could figure out the implications later, and she couldn’t bear to let Hunter down again by wallowing in self-pity.
“For Flapjack.” She agreed.
With that, Hunter was first one through. “Time to go home, Flap.” Hunter had followed true to his word; For Flapjack, he returned the two of them home.
Gus and Willow had followed Hunter back into the Demon Realm; They didn’t even bat an eye at Luz. Not so much because they didn’t care, they just… Didn’t care for what she’d done. Like it was so obvious and natural not to be mad at Luz for it, and then Luz remembered all the good she’d done for them. Of course what Hunter said, that Luz was better than anyone else, to do those mistakes so she could fix them. And she couldn’t imagine letting Willow and Gus suffer as they initially had...
Titan, Luz actually thought those two and the others could’ve been scheming behind Luz’s back to make her be anxious over their anticipated anger! Luz actually thought them so low and cruel, what was wrong with her?! She imagined how hurt the others would be if they learned their friend thought of them like that; Making them look worse to make Luz feel better.
“Goodbye human realm, thank you for showing me your secrets! I hope to see you again!” Gus declared, already nostalgic, and he dove into the portal.
Right. Gus had gotten to meet an actual human, and learn from Luz about other humans, and then visit the human world! For all of the tragedy, Gus still came away so happy to have had it at all. Luz wouldn’t have taken that from him. Even after it all, he wanted to go back; And maybe so he could do it right this time.
“Thanks for the memories! We’ll be back after we get some revenge.” Willow also reassured this strange world, following herself.
Not only did they have a mission to do; But Willow was certain there’d be a way back to the human world regardless, as if nobody had to leave either world behind. She didn’t even hesitate. And she thought the memories were still worth it. Good AND bad, like Willow had told Amity, once. Something was always going to hurt, but at least they could remember good memories to alleviate it, and then continue making some more.
Maybe Hunter was…
Then Amity. Her girlfriend. She came up to Luz, she’d chosen Luz, and she said this;
“Luz, I know things are scary, and I don’t know what the future holds. But it would be so cool if you were a part of that.”
Luz recognized those words. She’d said them to Amity herself. After everything Luz had done, Amity had accepted the offer, the wish. It had meant everything to her, and she remembered.
And it meant a lot to Luz, too… Suddenly, she felt silly; How could she deprive Amity of her own girlfriend?! All that stuff she’d made up last night, it was all a bunch of bogus baloney. Luz felt silly, that she’d wasted all her time hiding the truth from the others selfishly, just for it all to be for nothing.
But the others kept sticking with her. They kept insisting Luz must’ve been worth something, and… If Luz trusted them. If she loved them, and took them seriously.
Maybe she should believe what they had to say about her?
“But no more hiding, okay?” Amity pleaded. It really was a lot to put up with Luz’s betrayals, and for all her unconditional love, Luz had to remember that her girlfriend could only handle so much, and didn’t deserve to reach that breaking point.
Luz’s face softened. “I understand. See you on the other side, promise.” Luz wasn’t sure if she’d keep it this time. She kept breaking that promise, but… Maybe things could be different. Luz wasn’t sure about a lot of things, if she could keep going like this, make things right. But like Amity, she knew she wanted to be with her. And maybe that’s all that mattered, sticking together. It’s all Amity needed to know, maybe it was enough for Luz.
Amity’s faith had been rekindled at those words; What did Luz do to deserve her? She clasped Luz’s hand, kissed her cheek, and then went through.
“A-Are you coming Vee?” Her mom asked Vee, Luz’s sister.
“I don’t think I’m ready,” Vee nervously confessed, sheepishly diverting her gaze before meeting her, their, mom’s. “Besides, someone has to keep up appearances!”
Vee was staying behind; Luz didn’t blame her. The Demon Realm had been nothing but pain for her, she’d nearly died to the man who cloned and abused her, and… Well, Luz could relate, wanting to stick with a new, better place she’d found. Her heart softened as her mom hugged and thanked Vee; She’d done so much for her, and in doing so, did so much for Luz. Plus, with Luz gone, it could give Vee the chance to impersonate her again, maybe put in a good word to Masha about this stranger who’d just arrived in town…!
It was a reassuring and softening thought. This was where Vee belonged. And if Vee belonged in another world than the one she originated from, then maybe Luz, too…
“Are you ready?” Her mom asked.
“Are you? I’m not sure what we’ll see on the other side.” Luz had to remind herself that; All of this flowery talk, all of this flowery hope and ideal meant little if they stepped through and got instantly obliterated by the Collector. Luz could act like the main protagonist, the hero of the story; But everyone thought that. And so many who did died anyway against Belos, as faceless, nameless victims lost to time.
Even Belos thought he was the hero of his own story; He’d seen through Hunter’s eyes that the world had changed and no longer looked kindly on witch hunting. But he still stubbornly believed he was the underdog against it all, like Luz had been; That he was doing this for the good of their souls. Luz pitied the man, was disgusted; And couldn’t help but imagine that being herself, so delusional. She’d gotten close and caused damage with him, after all. But her dad dying, losing her friends, leaving a place; At least Luz could accept that things changed, and she didn’t want to be even more like Philip.
Camila didn’t know what to say at first to Luz’s response; But then something caught her mom’s eyes, and it was like something that had been dead for so long, had been lit up again.
“Then we don’t want to leave unprepared.”
Luz saw it; Her hat. Her Azura hat. Dropped on the ground since her encounter with Belos. She hadn’t cared much for it this entire day so far, Azura had lost its charm and become just a harsh reminder of Luz’s own mistakes. It couldn’t make up for the pain and loss Luz felt.
“A good witch always has to have her hat.”
Were stories enough on their own? Luz couldn’t say. But with someone who cared… They helped. From Manny, they helped Luz live to begin with, and his gift of Azura had helped her live again. And now her mom was giving Azura to her, like Manny did; Telling Luz to be happy with stories, like Papa did.
Her mom understood.
Suddenly, Luz felt a familiar feeling; Something long and ancient she’d lost long ago. But it was a feeling from before, before ALL of this happened; Before her dad had gotten sick. And suddenly, it was like Papa was alive and back again, even after everything that happened.
Luz grasped her mother’s hand, and they looked into each other’s eyes with love as they walked into the Demon Realm. She felt like she could do anything with her mom by her side; Because no matter what happened, no matter where they went, it was all right if the Nocedas were still together. As long as Luz had her mother, a parent to support her, to provide a sense of familiarity and constant love that stayed the same… Then no matter what that strange and unusual future held, no matter how scary, like every new thing in life Luz grew to embrace;
She was used to it.
Maybe King and Eda had sent Luz away, not because they wanted her gone, but because they hoped she would come back to them after all. That must’ve been what her mom was actually thinking with the summer camp, and Luz felt sheepish to have assumed the worst of someone so kind. She came back to her mom then, and now she’ll come back to her other mom and brother as well, different. Things would change and they had to, but… They could be for the better, too. And they really, honestly, had been; In spite of all the pain and loss, it was worth it. Luz wanted to change but she also wanted to stay the same, like when dad advised. Maybe she could have it both ways.
Luz could get used to this.