Chapter Text
Nick wouldn't usually go out in the middle of the week. So one can only imagine his friend's surprise when he asked them to do something tonight, but he knew it would be terrible to be alone on this day. They decided to go to a pub that hosted quiz night, nothing wild, just a quiet plan to keep his mind off Charlie; hopefully make him stop thinking about their plans for this anniversary. Even if It wasn't their "official" anniversary. They established together that they would celebrate it on the date they became boyfriends, their first date at the beach; this was mostly because Charlie wasn't sure of their relationship status before that, but their first kiss at Harry's party was it for Nick. It was the confirmation he needed to be sure of Charlie, after that kiss he wasn't sure of many things, only the fact that he wanted them to be together. That’s why every year on this date he would do something especial for Charlie, even if it was a stupid little thing, like walking Charlie to school, baking his favourite muffins for tea, casually driving past St George's Hotel to kiss in the front garden and take some selfies. Except this year they weren’t together, they haven’t been together for nine months, they haven’t even talked since last Christmas. Nick hadn’t even realised how long had been, he was committed to his routine. Last year everything was a novelty and he tried to live the “full university experience”, but now he was focused on his courses and rugby, making sure to spend some time with friends outside study sessions at least twice a week.
That Wednesday, Nick found that he had time for a nap. He initially wanted to get some sleep aiming to be well-rested for the night out, but his mind kept wandering to Charlie, so instead of forcing himself to focus on something else –like sleep– he decided to drown in his memories. He opened Spotify and pressed play on the playlist Charlie had made for him all those years ago. It had grown significantly during their relationship, more than two hours of songs that Charlie had chosen for Nick, songs that they had added together, songs that Nick had dedicated to Charlie.
With the music on, Nick remembered the last time they saw each other. It was last September, he was in his room at Kent, giving a last look at the place, making sure he didn’t forget anything important before leaving for Leeds. Of course, his mum would send him anything he left behind, but he was so nervous about leaving home that he was dawdling to postpone the departure. When he realised he couldn’t delay it any longer, Nick lifted the last box to carry to the car, but before he could leave the room, he heard his mum talking to someone downstairs. Nick heard her say “He’s in his room, darling” and a familiar voice replied “thanks, Sarah”. It was Charlie. What was Charlie doing here? He couldn’t dwell on it, because in an instant Charlie was in front of him. Whenever they spent some time apart, they would hug like their lives depended on it, and he would have certainly done it that time if he wasn’t holding a box.
Nick put the box down, but Charlie didn’t come closer. Instead, he stood there staring at him for a while before uttering “Hey”, not “hi”, their usual “hi”. “Hey”, Nick replied. “Um... your mum told me you were leaving today and I came to wish you good luck”, Charlie said hesitantly. Nick was stunned, so many thoughts rushed through his mind, he wanted to hold him, to kiss him, to question him, but he didn’t know if he was even allowed to do any of those things. All he could muster to say was “Erm, thanks”. Really, Nick?, you’ve been waiting months for this opportunity, and that’s all you can say? Charlie seemed lost, he hunched his shoulders, looked down and said in a low voice “We can keep in touch, if you want, you can text any time”, at least Nick had an answer for that, “of course, Char, I would love to keep in touch”. And then his mum called “Nicky, it’s time to go”. Nick didn’t want to go, he wanted to stay there with Charlie, to talk, to sort things out, to see where they were standing, but there was no time. “Can I hug you?” he asked, Charlie’s reply was almost a whisper “yeah”. They hugged for almost a minute before Sarah called again, frustrated “NICKY!” and then they were tearing apart, going downstairs, waving goodbye.
They didn’t keep in touch. Nick tried, he intended to text him when he arrived at Leeds, but he thought it would be too soon. When his roommates asked him who was the curly haired guy all over his photowall, he couldn’t say “my ex”, so he just said the truth, “that’s Charlie, my favourite person ever”, they could fill in the blanks however they wanted to. That same day, Nick wondered if he could text Charlie, but he wasn’t sure on what he wanted to say…or he was sure of what he wanted to say (that he missed him) but he didn’t have the courage to follow through. He thought of texting him so many other times, when he joined the LGBT+ Society, before his first rugby match, when he passed his first exam and when he failed his first exam, he even wrote a lot of drunk messages that were never sent. Months went by without any contact, until a week before Christmas, when Nick received a text from Charlie, it was a “hey”, just three letters. Twenty minutes (and many drafts) later, Nick replied, “Hey, Charlie, how’ve you been?”
Charlie: not bad
i was wondering if you would be coming to your mum’s for Christmas
Nick: Actually, I’m not, we’re going to my aunt's this year, I will be there for New Year’s
writing/deleted “Why?” “Do you want to meet up?” “Why do you ask, Char?”
Charlie: oh, okay
i’m not going to be home for new year’s
can i leave u something with your mum?
Nick: Like a present?
Charlie: what? no... i mean, the photos
Nick: What do you mean the photos? Which photos? Any photo I gave you or you have of us are yours to do whatever you want, you can burn them or throw them away if you don’t want them anymore! WTF, Charles?
Charlie: sorry, i didn’t mean to upset u, don’t treat me like that
i mean the photos from the disposable camera, the ones from your last day of school, i think you should have them
Nick: What? Why do you have those photos? I thought I’d lost the camera at Harry’s party
Charlie: what are you talking about, Nick? i found the camera at home, developed them and sent them to you and you never even answered!
Nick: What are YOU talking about? What do you mean you “sent them” to me if you want to leave them with my mum?
Charlie: you must be joking! are you gaslighting me or what? i sent them to you over the phone, i sent every photo of us until you stopped opening your messages, i thought you had blocked me, so i never sent anything again
Nick: Really, Char, I’m sorry, I really don’t know what you are talking about. When was this?
Charlie: like two weeks after Harry’s party
Charlie wasn’t saying “after we broke up”, he wasn’t even saying “after our fight”, like he couldn’t mention it, Nick couldn’t either. They have never put it into words, they haven't even talked about it. They just let it slide. Or that’s what Nick thought, but Charlie was saying he had tried to approach him.
Nick: I’ve never got them, Char, I only received blank messages, I thought it was a glitch or something, my phone was broken, I think it couldn’t receive pictures anymore and I had to buy a new one
Charlie: i can’t believe you didn't see those messages, do you want me to send them now?
this new phone can receive photos, right?
Nick: Why would I lie to you?
I don’t know if I want to see them right now, can you leave them at my mum’s?
Charlie: yeah, well, that’s what i was asking
can you let her know i’ll come by?
Nick: You can text her, you know she wouldn’t mind
You did on September
Charlie: i know i can, i wanted to know if you would be here and give them directly to you
but nevermind, i’ll text her
have a nice Christmas
Nick: Wait, Char...
Charlie: what?
Nick : writing/deleted “I miss you” “I miss you so much”
I’ll let u know when I’m home, maybe we can meet up
Charlie: yeah, sure
Nick: Hope you have a good Christmas
Charlie: you know it’s not my favourite holiday, but thanks, you too! x
That was the last time they texted each other. When Nick was home for New Year’s, he met with Tara to catch up, she told him that Charlie was away, so he didn’t contact him. Charlie had left the photos at his mum’s, she said he looked good. He cried a lot whilst looking at those pictures, memories of what he had lost, it felt like rubbing salt into the wound. Nick didn’t know what to do with the photos, the fact that Charlie had sent them to him all those months ago plagued Nick’s mind, what did that mean then? And now, what did that mean now? Was there anything he could do to get him back after all these months? He was going back to Leeds, that hadn’t changed. Nick saved the photos in a box with every other picture he had of Charlie, he even took down the one’s he had in his photowall at his dorm, except for one of the Paris Squad.
Nick pondered whether or not to take out the box with the photos, but he didn’t want to remember anymore, he was tired of crying. Already dozing off, he went for that nap he intended to have earlier instead. He woke up a while later, music was still playing in the background, it was the last song on the playlist, obviously he had heard it so many times, he knew it by heart by now. But as the song faded, another one began playing…
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm gettin' old, and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm gettin' tired, and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm gettin' old, and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm gettin' tired, and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So, why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So, why don't we go?
So, why don't we go?
Ooh, hey, hey
Oh-oh-oh
This could be the end of everything
So, why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know
“Somewhere only we know” by Keane