Work Text:
If anger were a flavor, Murdoc would taste blood. If it was a color, he would see black. If it was a sense, it would be hot tears hitting the pavement as his bloodied fist hits his knee. It burns and burns and visceral anger wells inside him like lava. If he were to open his lips and spew, everything would melt.
He swallows the bile and bitter taste of magma, willing his feelings to go away.
Frustration and denial consume him as his tears continue to fall. Throat swollen with held-back venom and eyes as bloodshot as the lies that flow through him, Murdoc slams his fist on the concrete. It hurts. It hurts and hurts and hurts and throbs and he keeps hitting the pavement, taking out his unspoken breakdown on the world that mocks him.
He’s in pain. He’s crying. He is crying and he is in pain and all he really feels is a violent, empty feeling in his gut as the world corrodes around him. There’s a poison in his veins that takes the shape of the past and his current flaws. It bubbles inside him and pops just hard enough, sending him lurching forward and letting out the silent cry of agony that he’s held in since he was a child.
Murdoc screams the song of the mute, broken, beaten, and bloody. It’s a song that no one else sings. It’s a song that destroys the singer. A song that hurts and burns and consumes his insides, daring him to protest.
The devil’s finally come to collect his soul.
He is going to die in the street in a puddle of black anger. The shadows of the planet are going to swallow him whole and everything will be beautiful. He will be forgotten as is deserved. It will be poetic and romantic as his last thoughts turn to the reason he is meeting his maker: Stu will wake up in the morning and no longer remember the pain Murdoc has put him through.
At least that’s the one plus of dying. His final request had been to rid Stu of all his sorrows so that he can live a happy life, and Satan is gracious if not anything else. As long as Stu forgets the hell that was Plastic Beach and the pain that was their distance, then it will have been worth it. Stu’s life means more to Murdoc than he’ll ever let anyone else know. It is with that thought that, though he lay dying, Murdoc smiles.
The fire dims.
The lava recedes and the anger dies.
The black fades.
The world returns and the pavement remains.
His breakdown ends.
Emotionless and with open eyes, Murdoc lay where he said he would. His blood pools around him, throat hurting and stomach empty. He is a void of emotion, a shell of a bassist. He is nothing. He is Murdoc. He is alone.
Like a candle flickering in a dark room, Murdoc’s vision dances. If he wants, he can reach forward and touch the moving light. He could wrap his fingers around it and feel something that won’t hurt him. He attempts. He succeeds. His fingers link with someone else’s hand instead- a familiar hand.
He blinks.
Deep white eyes stare back at him, concerned. These eyes belong to the one person in the world who deserves more than mortality. The one person who Murdoc would willingly die for. “Stu?” He whispers, voice a tragic play in its final scene of death.
Stu feels whole. Real. Palpable. Clearly, Murdoc must be dead; Stu wouldn’t be here right now if he were alive. He’s on death’s door and he’s seeing hallucinations of the love of his life.
“You’re not here,” he mumbles. How cruel is Satan to let his final moments be of Stu? “You’re much happier without me.” And that’s fine. Tomorrow will come and Stu will be happy, that’s right. He has to keep reminding himself of this.
It sucks, thinking about tomorrow.
“I really loved you, you know? I think deep down I’ve always loved you, Stuart. There’s just never been a time to tell you how I feel.” He sighs, eyes slowly closing.
His emptiness turns to misery now. If misery were a color, it would be light blue- as blue as Stu’s beautiful hair. If it were a taste, it would be salty like the tears falling from his eyes. “I don’t want you to forget me, Bluebird,” he whispers. “It was always you. I’ll miss you.”
Then he sleeps. His last thoughts are of the stars in the sky and how beautiful Stu looked under the moonlight the night they had a picnic in the park. The last thing he hears is a promise that means nothing, a silent word that he barely hears from Stu.
When he wakes up, he is in the hospital room. What? No! Panic settles within him and he shoots up, jerking back when the IVs stop him.
No. No no no.
“Murdoc.” The voice of a thousand roaring suns stops him and heals him in seconds. It’s the one voice that always rids Murdoc of his fears. When he looks over he’s looking at Stu.
And he is breathing for the first time in twenty-four hours. “Stu!” He reaches out before he gets the chance to wonder if this is a dream. And he’s touching Stu. He is touching Stu. Murdoc is touching Stu’s arms-
And Stu knows his name.
“You remember me!” Murdoc has always been one to question the wheel of time and fate; but today he is not going to question it. Especially not when Stu is stepping closer and pushing Murdoc back onto the bed. Not when Stu is smiling at him with those beautiful eyes.
“I almost didn’t make it,” Stu whispers. “You lost so much blood, I…”
“Stu-” Murdoc starts and stops. What can he say?
Stu moves his hands wildly as if searching for words to say. “But we found you and now you’re here and you’re safe! I promise we didn’t leave you to die, I promise *I* didn’t leave to die, Murdoc, I was so scared.”
“Stu, I love you.” Murdoc doesn’t care anymore. He can deal with everything else later, but for now, he is going to take the chance to finally tell Stu the truth. He reaches for Stu’s hands and drags him onto the bed, pulling him halfway onto his lap. “I’m sorry for everything.”
Shaking his head, Stu cups Murdoc’s cheeks. “We can talk about that later, please just let me hold you. I was so scared, Murdoc.” His lips are trembling and he looks so close to tears.
Murdoc doesn’t want Stu to cry over him ever again. He swallows and nods. “Can I?” He glances at Stu’s lips and then back at his eyes. He licks his lips in a sudden nervousness.
“Do you even have to ask?” Stu responds breathily, smiling at Murdoc with his teeth on display. Then he leans over Murdoc and kisses him and suddenly everything heals.
It heals and heals and heals and takes away everything that Murdoc has ever regretted between them. Breaths mingle and hands go everywhere, but none of it matters because the two of them have gone through hell and back together.
And that’s just the start of their relationship.