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Katsuki never truly understood Deku.
He knew him, that’s for sure. They grew up together- wearing the same clothes, buying the same toys, admiring the same hero, and dreaming the same dreams. He knew that Deku had a huge dinosaur phase in second grade, that his favourite food was Katsudon, and that Inko had to tie his shoes for him up until the fourth grade.
But knowing is not the same as understanding, and Katsuki has spent years trying to.
Katsuki thinks he did understand Deku, a while back. Before everything changed- before Katsuki won and Deku lost. Katsuki was a natural-born genius, but Izuku spent almost all of his spare time studying and was second only to Katsuki in school. He carried notebooks everywhere where he scribbled and spilled notes and dreams that he thought were forthcoming. Izuku would show his notes to Katsuki every day after school between his baby-blue painted walls while munching on Kabukiage rice crackers. Katsuki would offer suggestions, and Izuku would frantically use his blunt pencil to scratch in his words.
Back then, he had potential.
Looking back on it now with the knowledge of the spoiled future that was to come, it felt alien to think that. After all, for more than 13 years, Deku had always been worthless. Useless.
The thing was- he had potential before the conversation of quirks came to the surface. Before they had discussed the science of quirks in a frenzy while wielding their All Might action figures excitedly and Izuku had realised the combination of his parents’ quirks probably wouldn’t be that strong.
Before he had gotten his diagnosis.
Katsuki had been the first to receive his quirk in their class, which meant he got his before Izuku. Of course, the freckled kid had squealed and fanboyed for ages- fawned over Katsuki’s every word. It had only fed his ego back then, and he hadn’t thought much of it. Izuku was a part of their little friend group, anyway- and even though he wasn’t good at sports and couldn’t even skip a stone, Katsuki kept him around because he was smart and surprisingly good at hero analysis.
Katsuki had always considered Izuku a sidekick, a second-best to him. It had never even occurred to him that Izuku might not be able to become a hero, because it was all they ever wanted, right? And they were still living in the blissful illusion that dreams always come true, as long as you believed and worked hard for them.
Then he learnt that Izuku was quirkless. And at school, he had laughed loudly in his face and watched the light in his eyes shatter into tiny little pieces. He and his “friends” ditched Izuku because what use was a quirkless kid to him? Izuku couldn’t become a hero- he could barely become a police officer. Katsuki didn’t need a sidekick anyway; he was more than strong enough to beat a thousand villains. It would only improve his image in the future if he didn’t have one.
And that’s when Katsuki stopped understanding Izuku. He had stopped understanding him when he still came running back to ask Katuski for feedback on his analysis, when he wished him good morning with a bright sunny smile every day, even when he walked out of school with bruises and bandages in the afternoon. He realized he had stopped understanding Deku when he learnt that he had still applied to U.A, even when he had no chance of getting in.
He didn’t like that- even if he hated Deku, he didn’t like that he couldn’t understand him. In Katsuki's eyes, that meant he was unpredictable.
There was a small part of him that felt betrayed, in a way. It felt like Deku had abandoned their dreams. Which was stupid- he couldn’t control the fact that he was quirkless. But still- Katsuki had lost his best friend over it. He couldn’t blame himself that he couldn’t be friends with Deku, right? It wasn’t Katsuki's fault that Deku didn’t have a quirk. So he blamed Deku instead.
Then the sludge villain incident happened. And all of his extra friends had run away with their tails tucked between their legs. No one, not even the pro heroes had helped him- hell, they shouldn’t need to be helping him, because he shouldn’t have even needed their help! What kind of hero would he be if he couldn’t even save himself?
For a second, while he was trapped inside the villain- he felt scared. Really scared. He remembered the feeling of drowning, the feeling of his lungs expanding and his chest seizing. He remembered thinking he was going to die- no one was helping him, and he couldn’t help himself- what kind of pathetic, weak loser was he?
And then- the one person who tried to help- out of everyone that was there, that was just watching him, staring at him- was Deku. He had run in and flung his stupid neon yellow backpack at him. And the worst part was- he wasn’t even mad about the fact that it didn’t work, he wasn’t mad about the fact that the villain was only distracted for a few seconds-
He was mad about the fact that he was the only person who even tried.
The only person, out of the hundreds of civilians who had quirks, out of the police and the firefighters, out of the fucking pro heroes- the one who had bothered to try was the weakest there. The quirkless kid.
And sure, All Might had come in, had saved him. But he didn’t care. Well, of course he cared that the first time he met his idol it was in the most embarrassing way possible- but all of that were tiny, minute things to care about, when the quirkless kid, the kid he had told to kill himself less than half-an-hour ago, had saved him.
If he had to have been saved by the weakest, what did that say about him?
And it happened again- less than a year later. Deku somehow got into U.A, gained a super-powerful quirk- and he had won against him in a fight. He had anticipated Katsuki's every move and won without even using his quirk.
He had cried then, but he swore to Deku, that that was the last time he would ever lose to him. Not that it mattered anyway. A few months later, at the summer-training camp, he had gotten kidnapped by a bunch of wannabe villains. They had captured him with a weird-ass marble quirk. And dragged him into a portal.
And he didn’t do anything.
He might have been at least okay with it if he had put up a fight- but he didn’t. He had stood there, stunned into place, and thought about how the hand around his neck felt like sludge, how he was choking again, how he was drowning-
And the last thing he saw was Deku. Battered up and bruised- two hands in bandaged casts. Running towards him while screaming his name, a look in his eyes looking terrified, as if it was him that was getting kidnapped when it was the stupid, frightened asshole who had bullied him his entire life.
And Katsuki had told him, don’t come, Deku, before the darkness had enveloped him and the next thing he knew he was waking up to the crackling sound of a busted TV while the League of Villains interrogated him in an underground bar.
Less than an hour later, he was rescued- no, helped- by a group of his classmates, escaped All For One’s grasp, and stood in front of a huge flat-screen TV broadcasting live the death of his greatest hero.
All Might won, but he killed himself in the process. The weakened old man he saw wasn’t All Might. All Might had died that day. While everyone else applauded and cheered that he had won, Katsuki had just stood there, dazed and exhausted.
And Deku was crying.
Katsuki watched him for a while after that.
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It didn’t take long for Katsuki to figure out what had happened. All Might had acted oblivious, but he knew. The night they got their licenses, he had cornered Deku on Ground Beta and told him what he knew.
The look on his face told him everything.
And Katsuki spilled out his heart to Deku for the first time in years, had screamed out what was festering in his gut for months. He had yelled out into the echoing air, on the grounds on which he lost to his greatest enemy- his childhood best friend, his victim-
his greatest fear.
And Deku had listened- because of course he did. He had looked down at him crumbling to pieces on the floor with those big, wide, innocent eyes of his. He told him everything- how he felt about Deku, how he knew he was the reason for All Might’s downfall, how he was so weak and pathetic.
And then they had fought. As much as he didn’t want to admit it- Deku was strong, he fought with purpose, with a confidence that was forged from weakness, because strength always came from powerlessness, right? But Katsuki was stronger, he always had been, and he deflected and defended against him, and Deku's stupid red shoes left their marks on his forearms. But then there was a moment when Deku had spun around, surrounded by electric green energy, and Katsuki’s heart had stopped. There was a moment when he was falling, and Deku was pushing him off of thin air, and he could see the anger and the pain and the righteous fury in the green flecks- that he remembered a flash of someone he used to know.
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11 Years Ago- 2174.
“Kacchan, you know how All Might is the symbol of peace?” Izuku had asked, pouting as an autumn leaf fell onto his freckled nose. Katsuki was busy using the Detroit Smash feature fiercely on his new Limited Edition All Might Action Figure, but hummed absently in acknowledgement.
‘Well, when I think of winning, I think of you! So I guess you’re my symbol of victory!” Izuku had smiled until the corner of his eyes wrinkled. And Katsuki’s eyes widened and brought his hands up to release a tiny spark of a firework. Izuku had looked on in focused awe, and Katsuki had laughed evilly and pushed the distracted Izuku into a nearby patch of wet grass, and the rest of the afternoon was filled with playful laughter.
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It was gone in a flash, but now, when he was looking into Deku’s eyes, he couldn’t help remembering. Symbol of Victory. He had remembered that because-
Right now, in the narrowed, furious glint of Deku’s eyes, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of déjà vu. Because he couldn’t help but feel like he was staring into a mirror replica of himself.
And Katsuki realized something, then. That even though Katsuki hated Deku with a furious passion, there were parts of him that he had accumulated, parts of him that were Deku. And no matter how much Deku hated him back, there were parts of him that were Katsuki.
Katsuki had breathed, then. He had closed his eyes for a microscopic second, and then he had exploded the palms of his hands, and all of a sudden, the dust was clearing, and he was pinning Izuku down, and he had won.
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Two Years Later- 2187.
Katsuki didn’t understand Deku.
And that’s true, even now. He didn’t, and he knows no one ever will. Because Deku isn’t a real person. Deku is an idea Katsuki created when he was four- when the world was black and white, right and wrong, strong and weak. He didn’t- he couldn’t understand Deku because Deku never existed. He had spent all of this time trying to understand someone who was just a figment of his imagination. He didn’t know Deku-
He knew Izuku.
He had had a little bit of catching up to do, sure- but he knew him now. It made sense that he still applied for U.A in middle school, because even without a quirk- he would have at least made it to general studies. Past him had been dumbfounded why, because why would someone who had no chance of getting in apply?
He knew the answer now. Why? Because he’s Midoriya fucking Izuku. Of course he did.
All this time- his thinking had been warped. It had taken him years to get out of his way of thinking, and he still fully hasn’t. But he’s changed for the better now, even if the change was a little one.
He shivered in annoyance. The snow was somehow still falling, even though it had started only about eight hours ago. All of his other classmates clearly had no sense of self-preservation, so they were laughing and having a snowball fight. Katsuki sighed, and foggy steam. His toes had already met their demise, completely numb from the freezing temperature.
He looked over to his friends. Izuku met his stare, and waved, beaming his dumb, ever-present smile at him.
Katsuki rolled his eyes and started to walk over with an irritated glare.
And as the nerd promptly got bombarded with snowballs by the rest of the extras, and a ghost of a smile tugged the corner of Katsuki’s mouth, he knew for certain-
He understood Izuku Midoriya. And he was a complete and utter idiot.