Chapter Text
Leo didn’t exactly know why ghost was over at Casey’s apartment. Ghost and Casey weren’t exactly that close even if Leo did consider them good friends. Casey was more Raph’s friend than any of the other siblings. Yet, Leo had gone to him. It was strange, but as Casey sat next to ghost as they drank, it began to make sense.
Had Leo gone to anyone else, rot would feel guilty for letting rotself wallow in a drink. But with Casey? Well, there weren't any sort of expectations. (Leo knew that rots siblings wouldn’t judge either, but rot still felt responsible for being somewhat put together around them.)
“What’s bothering you today?” Casey asked casually, sipping his own beer. Casey was actually of age to drink, unlike Leo. Though, at least Leo was an adult. (Unlike when vim first drank.) Leo sighed and leaned further over the railing of Casey’s balcony.
“I don’t even know anymore.” Leo paused before shaking ghosts head. “No, that’s not it. I do know, it’s just gotten so complicated it’s not even one thing anymore.”
“Well, then what are those things?”
“I’m not sure you really want to hear it.” Leo murmured, keeping rots head low to the bottle in rots hands. Rot was known for having no filter when drunk, (rot was getting there with the couple beers rot had already had,) and while Casey had definitely heard and seen his fair share of shit, Leo wasn’t sure how he would react to rots mess.
“I think I can take it.” Casey pushed Leo lightly with his elbow. “You didn’t just come over to drink, so clearly you do want to talk about it.”
“I guess.” Leo took another drink before sitting down, letting vir legs dangle between the gaps of the railing. Casey joined vim on the floor, but stayed further away from the edge. “I don’t feel… alive. I know I am, logically. My heart is beating, I bleed when cut, I am tangible, but I feel like a walking, talking corpse.” Leo slouched further into vimself. Casey was silent for a second before sliding closer to Leo and putting an arm around vir shoulders. Leo shivered at the touch, but didn’t push Casey away.
There was a moment of silence as Leo drank more beer, trying to disconnect from ghosts insecurities enough to continue talking. Casey didn’t push or say anything. He just sat there with his arm around Leo.
“I used to be the only cis sibling, you know? It was a joke between us all. I felt comfortable with it too. I was a boy. That was fine. It didn’t feel wrong, it didn’t feel off. But then I was… Kitsune got in my fucking head and everything that happened with the foot and now I- It feels like my connection to my gender got fucking cut off. Like it’s still part of me but I can’t feel it.” Tears sprung in Leo’s eyes. Leo tried to hold them back, but rot was too drunk for it to really work. “I hate it. I hate that I can’t even feel my gender after that. How did it take so much from me?”
“Leo-”
“Sorry, I know it’s stupid to say that. A lot happened, of course it took stuff from me.” Leo laughed self-deprecatingly. Vy set down the now empty beer bottle and stared at vir hands. “Donnie explained it even more when I explained my gender situation. When we mutated we were about 14 because of reincarnation, but the turtles we mutated from were less than a year old. Basically our brains weren’t as developed as anything else. So, even though we were teenagers physically and had that maturity, our brains weren’t. So, trauma we went through before a certain point affected us more like it would children than teenagers.”
“Fuck.” Casey breathed out, tightening his grip on Leo. “Does that explain why you feel dead too?” Leo nodded softly.
“When I was under Shredder, god I hate saying that, even though consciously I thought everything was okay, subconsciously I knew it was bad. The only thing that was safe was the dreams and visions of my dead mom. So, I guess my brain started associating dead with safe.” Leo cringed at how unbelievable it sounded. Ghost knew that’s what happened, but ghost wasn’t sure if Casey would believe it. The human was quiet though, so Leo continued, wanting to get everything out. “If I was dead, like mom, I would be safe. Because she was safe even though I literally saw her dead body and she was literally killed by Shredder. I don’t even know what my subconscious was thinking, but being a corpse or ghost mentally was apparently the only way to deal with what I was going through. I guess maybe I also thought if I was dead I could be with my siblings again.
“It wasn’t even that bad. I mean, it was, but it wasn’t. God, that makes no sense. I can’t even tell if I’m just drunk or panicking. I’m sorry.” A squeeze of rots shoulder. “I did a lot of bad shit, but I wasn’t even hurt that badly. Yeah, training was serious and I killed people just in that, but barely anyone was actually able to hurt me like I hurt them. I was a better fighter than most anyone there. Why I needed to be protected is beyond me. I don’t know. Maybe I just can’t see what happened objectively. Maybe it’s all tainted in guilt. But then again, I don’t think I deserve to not feel guilty.” Leo took a shaky breath, grabbing onto the railing with one hand.
“Leo, you were brainwashed. You do not have to feel guilty-”
“I do!” Leo cut Casey off. “I did so much shit, Casey. You weren’t there. You didn’t see me kill with no mercy. You didn’t see me flick my wrist to clear my sword of blood like it was nothing. You didn’t see me feel nothing as I ended lives. Some of them were kids, Casey! Kids. ”
“You were also a kid-”
“How does that make it okay?” Leo snarled, glaring at Casey. Leo wasn’t really mad at Casey. Ghost was really mad at ghostself and projecting which was bad. Leo knew ghost shouldn’t do that, but ghost was too emotional to really stop ghostself.
“Because it wasn’t you, Leo. I don’t care how many times me or anyone else has to say it, you can’t blame yourself for something that wasn’t in your control.”
“They didn’t change my personality. If I had been raised differently, that would’ve been me. I’m so stupidly loyal to any authority figure it’s so dangerous.” Leo stopped to breathe before shrinking in on rotself. “Anyway, uh, that was very off topic.” Leo laughed nervously.
“I’m glad you got it off your chest.” Casey said quietly. Leo shrugged.
“I can’t get rid of the feeling of being dead. Even though I’m away from all of that, I still feel like a corpse. How stupid is that? No matter how many times I check my pulse, or even remind myself that I’m free of the brainwashing, I still think I’m dead. I get surprised when people treat me like I’m alive even though I literally am. It’s so stupid-!”
“Stop calling it stupid.” Casey removed his arm from Leo’s shoulders and instead twisted vim to look at him. “Leo, what you went through is horrifying and if your brain needed to permanently make you feel dead to survive, then I’m glad it did. It’s shitty and I wish it didn’t have to, but it’s better than you leaving us.” Leo pulled vimself away from the railing and into Casey’s arms, collapsing with a sob. Casey didn’t seem bothered by this, only pulling Leo closer.
“I wanna feel alive again.” Leo said quietly into Casey’s chest.
“I’m sure you will. Eventually.” Casey hummed, rubbing his hand over Leo’s shell. “And even if you don’t, we’re here for you. All of us. The whole rag-tag bunch.” Leo laughed quietly at that, leaning away from Casey and wiping ghosts eyes. “I said it earlier, but I’m glad you got that off your chest. It was clearly building up.” Leo looked away and rubbed the back of ghosts neck.
“It really was. It’s just hard to find time to vent about it.”
“You know where to find me if you want to do this again.” Casey flashed Leo a bright smile. Leo smiled back.
“Might take you up on that.” Leo yawned before falling back onto Casey’s chest. Casey laughed lightly before picking Leo up.
“C’mon, let’s get you to bed.” Leo was already basically asleep when rot was laid on Casey’s bed and before Casey could even leave the room, rot was out like a light.