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“Shitty Hair! Oi, Shitty Hair , Raccoon Eyes , where the fuck did you go?!”
Though no one would ever accuse Katsuki of being a quiet person, even his booming voice couldn’t carry far over the fervor of the crowd.
He’d never seen City Hall so packed. Well, okay, that wasn’t quite true. While he hadn’t been able to get off of work for the Super Bowl a few years ago, nor for the block party a few days after the Eagles had won it, he had been in attendance for the parade following the last Phillies World Series win. That had been 13 years ago, however, and his childhood memories of that day were cloudy at best. He still had the shaky pictures he’d taken of the floats, the team’s mascot, and the sign he’d made to hold up as they passed by, of course. His only real recollections, though, had nothing to do with the players, or the spectacle, or the size of the crowd; no, his stupid child brain had latched onto hazy images of another random kid named Deku who he’d befriended for the day but hadn’t met before or since. Go figure.
But now that the Phillies had secured their spot in the World Series in almost as long? It was mayhem, and no amount of cops on bikes or greased light poles could keep the city from celebrating. And this time, he hadn’t been at work when it was happening. His memories of tonight would probably be just as scattered as that of the excitement 13 years ago, but this time the amnesia would be due to alcohol rather than childhood. He was an adult, he didn’t have to worry about waking up early tomorrow, and he was free to revel in the excitement of his city with the rest of his squad.
Now if only he could find them again.
“I think it’s a lost cause, Baku-bro,” said Kaminari next to him. “There’s no way they’ll hear us. One of them’s gotta answer their texts sooner or later. ‘Till then let’s just finish handing these out!” He gestured to the two half-empty cases of beer at their feet.
Katsuki growled. He hated to admit it, but Pikachu was right. It was hopeless. And realistically, he knew there was little to worry about. Shitty Hair would keep Raccoon Eyes from getting tossed around too much by the force of the crowd, Raccoon Eyes would keep Shitty Hair from getting too trashed, and Ears would make sure neither got lost. But if getting separated from his extras was how the universe rewarded him for the uncharacteristic, spur of the moment good deed of buying a couple rounds for his fellow Philadelphia sports fans, he wouldn’t be making the same mistake twice.
“Whatever, but if one more -“
“Hey, can I please get one of those?”
Katsuki’s grumblings were cut off by a man around their age approaching them through a gap in the crowd. While something about his freckles and wild green hair tickled a distant memory, most of Katsuki’s thoughts were occupied by how attractive the stranger was. The answer was very - he was very, very attractive.
“Of course, my man!” said Kaminari amiably. He reached down to grab a can for the stranger, but Katsuki beat him to it.
“Here,” he said in a voice that came out much smoother than he felt, as he held out a drink to the man. “Just please don’t throw up, I can’t see that shit twice in one night.”
The green-haired man’s bright smile and laughter were even more intoxicating than the alcohol he’d asked for. Their hands brushed as the stranger took the beverage from him, and the skin he’d touched felt strangely warm despite the chill of the October air. “Nah, this is my first actually - I just got off work.”
“Oh man, well welcome to the party!” said Kaminari, slapping the man on the back. “Go Fightins!”
“Go Fightins,” replied the man as he opened the can, raised it in the air in a toast, and raised it to his lips.
And if Katsuki stared at those lips longer than was polite, sue him. They were distracting, okay?! This stupidly attractive guy and his stupidly cute freckles and his stupidly warm smile were… well they were stupid, that’s what. Fucking stupid. And distracting. He’d almost forgotten that they were supposed to be looking for the other extras!
“You didn’t happen to see a buff dude with shitty bright red hair before you came over here, did you? Or a girl with pink hair?”
The stranger shrugged sheepishly. “I don’t remember seeing anyone like that, sorry! Did you lose them?”
“More like they lost us,” Katsuki huffed. “Assholes wandered off while we were buying booze. And I had to talk this one,” he gestured to Kaminari, “out of climbing a pole to spot them.”
“In my defense, everyone always make it look so easy!” he pouted. “That guy on the street lamp back there was catching and drinking the beers people were throwing up at him!”
“You can’t do a single pull up, Pikachu.”
“Oh no!” the man sympathized. His dimpled smile at their banter made Katsuki’s heart pick up speed. “You lost your friends? Here, climb on my shoulders and see if you can spot them that way!”
Katsuki took that as an invitation to look the man up and down. While was several inches taller than Katsuki himself, he was also scrawny and built like a beanpole. “You sure you can lift me?”
“Maybe it would be easier if I -“ started Kaminari, but his words turned into a groan as Katsuki elbowed him in the ribs. If anyone was going to get up close and personal with this stupidly cute stranger, it was going to be him dammit.
The amusement in the green haired man’s eyes made it clear that he’d seen the brief violence. “Don’t worry,” he smirked - and oh, if Katsuki’s heart was beating fast before, that expression turned its jog into an all-out sprint - “I’m stronger than I look. It’s the least I can do to thank you for the beer.”
Without further ado, the stranger handed his now half-empty can to Kaminari, then squatted. Katsuki fought to keep his movements graceful as he swung his legs around the man’s shoulders. As they stood, a pair of warm hands wrapped around his thighs to steady him, and Katsuki felt himself burning at the touch. He looked down, half-expecting to find his pants on fire, but all he saw was the stranger smiling up at him from below. The sight of that adorable face underneath him made heat pool low in Katsuki’s gut. He swallowed and looked away, forcing himself to think of dead puppies, and his grandmother, and anything else that would keep him from popping a very embarrassing boner against the back of this guy’s neck.
Later, though… he would very much like to get close to this guy again, later, in a much more private setting - only if he was willing, of course, though he was almost certain that he wasn’t imagining the flirtatious edge to the man’s smirk.
His musings were cut off by a loud “BAKU-BRO” in a deep voice that he recognized. Looking up, he spotted Shitty Hair weaving through the sea of faces below, with Raccoon Eyes, Ears, and even Ponytail in tow behind him. “Stay where you are, we’re coming!”
“Hurry up, assholes!” he shouted back, though he wasn’t sure if they could hear him yet. Then he leaned forward, and in a much quieter voice said, “found them. Though I can’t say I’m not enjoying the ride.”
The stranger laughed again, which really had no right sounding as good as it did.
There was a flash of light, but before Katsuki’s drunk mind could process and question it, the stranger once more began to crouch down.
Katsuki’s feet had barely hit the pavement before they were lifted into the air again from the force of a crushing hug. “Baku-bro! Dude, that was not manly, we were so worried!”
“It’s your own damn fault for wandering off! Now put me down before I make you, Shitty Hair!”
His friend laughed, and his sneakers once more touched the ground.
“Everyone,” boomed Kirishima, “we found our friends! Let’s celebrate Philly style! No one likes us -“
Needing no further reason or invitation, the crowd around them joined in on his singing.
“No one likes us,
No one liiiiiikes us,
We don’t care!
We’re from Philly,
Fuckin Philly,
No one likes us,
We don’t care!
No one likes us,
No one likes us,
No one liiiiikes us,
We don’t care!
We’re from Philly,
Fuckin Philly,
No one likes us,
We don’t care!
E-A-G-L-E-S
Eagles !”
By the end of the chant, Katuski’s ears were ringing, and the green-haired stranger was gone.
~~
MISSED CONNECTION AT CITY HALL PLEASE HELP:
Game 5. Phils are down in the bottom of the 8th. Harper steps up to the plate and rewards the Fightin faithful with the greatest hit of his career, kicking off a magical night of celebration.
Guided by the gravitational pull that occurs after all great Philadelphia victories, we assembled among a sea of Phanatics at City Hall.
Recognizing that these fans required more alcohol to properly continue celebrating, my generous friend Bakugo Katsuki purchased some beverages to distribute to those in need. However, this act of generosity led to us losing the rest of our friend group in the crowd.
Baku-bro and I waded through the crowd searching for our friends while ensuring our fellow Fightins were optimally intoxicated (one guy went a little overboard and puked after ripping a shot but don’t worry - just like the Phils, he rallied).
Bakugo started voicing frustration about the difficulty of finding our friends when an attractive flirty Fightin fan (FFF) stopped us. He asked for a drink and Baku-bro immediately obliged, smitten by his beauty. In exchange for the drink, he offered to help us find our friends by doing the unthinkable: “Do you want to get on my shoulders?” he asked.
Baku-bro’s eyes lit up, both amazed and intrigued by the offer. I was a bit skeptical that he could pull it off, but he effortlessly hoisted him up and spun around. Our missing friends saw the signal and we were reconnected, which led to a joyous singing of the Philadelphia classic “No One Likes Us”.
Unfortunately though, amidst the chaos, it was the last that we saw of the hero who literally lifted us up when we were down and helped us salvage our celebratory evening.
This is where we need your help. We believe that this man very well could be my friend Bakugo’s future husband. We don’t know his name, just that he was hot, thirsty, kind, and sturdy - which checks all the boxes for Baku-bro’s ideal mate. Please help us find him so that we can let this fateful interaction blossom into the love story that all Phils fans deserve.
Why should you help my friend Bakugo? Why would this man be interested in him? I’m glad you asked!
He’s a real one-of-a-kind catch. With handsome genes and an unmistakable fashion sense (he was wearing a Phillies jacket and a Pokémon hat at City Hall if that helps), you’ll never want to look away. Bakugo is above average height and only 29 years young. He works in engineering and can easily fund his future husband’s lifestyle, like whenever he wants to buy a new pair of Crocs. This Son of a Bishop knows how to treat a date right and is sure to please his parents. As a talented musician, he can serenade his future spouse with ballads about anything from caffeine and semi swears to Philly sports. And he’s not just passionate about music and Philly sports - that passion extends to the dating pool as well 😉! He once had a dude break his nose to hook up with him (not Baku-bro’s fault btw), and the guy was totally undeterred. Did I mention he’s had 6 pack abs since he was 6? Can slug down a 6 pack pretty quick too. On top of all that, Baku-bro is usually a very passionate guy, and deep (deep deep deep) beneath that gruff exterior lies the mushiest of hearts. Lastly, he is free and clear of all murder charges, so you don’t have to worry about that one bit.
So what are you waiting for? Please help us find this attractive man for my friend Baku-bro. Anyone who may know him or who has relevant information is encouraged to reach out immediately. And if you’re just another single, attractive person in Philadelphia who’s interested in Bakugo after reading this, then get in line! He doesn’t have time for all of youse.
Thank you in advance for your help in making this dream a reality. Baku-bro and I will see you all (especially his future husband) at City Hall again soon after we humiliate the Cheating Astros and claim the title that is rightfully ours. Phils in 5, and Go Birds
~~
“Kaminari, what the hell.”
Although Pikachu couldn’t see Katsuki’s face through the phone, he knew by now that the use of his real name was a reliable indicator of Katsuki’s anger.
“Look, in my defense, you’ve been moping for two days and I couldn’t take it any longer.”
“That’s a shitty defense,” he growled in reply.
“I didn’t know it would go viral!” Kaminari squeaked. “On the bright side, he’s more likely to see it now!”
“And I can’t stop seeing it!” His voice had raised to a shout by now. “Everyone I work with kept coming up to me all day, asking if your damn post was about me. It was annoying as fuck!”
“Bakugo…”
“It’s not even like this will work,” yelled Katsuki. “The odds of him -“
“ - Bakugo -“
“ - fucking seeing this -“
“ - Bakugo -“
“- and the chance that he’d care enough to respond are non-fucking-existant -“
“Bakugo !” shouted Kaminari. “ He replied!”
“He what?!”
“Look at the post, bro!” There was an unmistakable sound of a grin in his voice.
Katsuki took the phone away from his ear and opened Facebook. After a moment of tapping he had the post pulled up, and with a bit of scrolling he saw it. There . A picture of himself on the man’s shoulders - clearly taken by Kaminari with the stranger’s phone - had already gained a few hundred likes. The green-haired man was winking at the camera, and Katsuki was looking down at him with a stupidly awestruck expression that made his attraction to the man clear to anyone who fucking saw it. The caption read: “KATSUKI I’M SO GLAD YOU FOUND YOUR FRIENDS <3”
The revelation that Pikachu’s post had, in fact, located the attractive stranger was not the biggest surprise. No, what really took Katsuki’s breath away was the man’s face. Seeing it now, when he was sober and could focus on the details revealed by the camera’s bright flash -
He dropped the phone to his bed and scrambled to the small box of photo albums that rested on his bookshelf. It joined his phone on the bed, its contents upended as he scrambled through them until he found the right one. He flipped through pages with shaking hands until he found what he was looking for. “No fucking way,” he breathed.
There, in the section dedicated to the Phillies 2008 World Series Parade, was the green-haired stranger. Though his face was rounder here and somehow even more covered in freckles, the resemblance was unmistakable.
“What are the fucking odds?”
Maybe this was his karmic reward for buying beer for some strangers - reconnecting with Deku, the friend he’d quickly made and quickly lost all those years ago.
He wondered how many more drinks he’d need to buy in order to earn a date with Deku - Midoriya Izuku, according to his Facebook profile.
That heart emoji made him think it wouldn’t take too many.
So before he could talk himself out of it, he messaged Midoriya, and started by offering one.