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James remembers the first time he ever met Regulus like a surreal painting, an impression that sticks to you, in your unconsciousness and in your brightest moments.
It happened three years ago, during the first days of summer where the sun shines bright and merciless and the grass still twinkles fresh with the remnants of spring.
But Regulus stood with his hair sticking to his forehead and dirt crawling up his pants up to the knees. He got droplets over his pale skin, unaffected by the warmth radiating around him. James first expression had been someone who wears long sleeved shirts in summer and who doesn't tan under midday sun. Someone cold.
Oh, how wrong he had been.
He remembers a seventeen year old Regulus frowning at him at the question where he had crawled out from. To this day, James has no answer, but Regulus got the same body made of pristine skin and stormy eyes that carry sunshine if you look close enough.
Today, Regulus blends in almost seamlessly with the fog early mornings on the island bring as James watches him approach his car through his rolled down window.
They are in the last days of summer now, where the mornings get colder like the sun is old and tired, and a breeze is relieving sticky nights under sweaty sheets.
Regulus walks towards James in a gray sweater, with shorts that almost disappear under the length of it. His steps are laid back, as if he has all the time, as if this wouldn't be over as soon as the night is gone.
Regulus only spares James a fleeting look when he plops down onto the passenger seat. For just having walked unbearably slow he now wastes no time for a hello.
“Where to?”
James makes a show of smiling alluring. “It's a suprise.”
That draws a tiny smile out of Regulus. Earnest or mocking James can't tell but he takes it happily. He takes all smiles he can get because he knows he won't get the luxury to see them for a long time.
“I know every place here, I doubt you could suprise me.” Regulus says, soberly. He fiddles with the hem of his sleeve, eyes still set straight ahead. James falters.
“Is that my sweater?” James fails to keep the grin off his face when Regulus seems to sink even deeper into the fabric. “That's why its so big on you.”
Regulus tuts, mumbles something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like 'all muscles no brains' .
“Excuse me?” James protests, leaning over to Regulus. “What was that?” Regulus doesn't move but his lip twitches. Look at me. James shoves his face directly in front of Regulus's and repeats, a little quieter this time, “Excuse me?” Regulus rolls his eyes, but looks at him now, or more so, at his lips.
“Take,” James breathes, “That back.” he raises his eyebrows when Regulus blushes a faint red in front of him.
“Shut up,” Regulus scoffs, before he yanks James in the last remaining inches and presses their lips together. Its not gentle, all teeth and tongue and desperation. James is on his lap instandly, slotting their bodies together. Regulus arches up under him with a gasp, hands tangled in James's neck.
James attacks Regulus neck, sucks down the soft skin from jaw to collarbone.
“What's wrong today?”
Regulus groans. “Nothing.” It comes out breathless and unconvincing. James bites down on the sensitive spot on his neck, hard, and Regulus yelps. Its selfish, because James knows what's wrong but he wants it Regulus to say one time. I'll miss you.
“Really?”
“Fuck's sake James, I'm fine.” Regulus pulls him up by his hair so that they face each other again. “Just drop it.”
Maybe he would regret it later, days away, laying in his bed back home, wishing for a thing to keep him warm, but James does.
He ruffles his hair. “Fine,” He begins to remove himself from Regulus lap, who grabs him by the shirt, “Stay.”
Regulus is flushed down to the neck with a whirl of emotions in his eyes, sadness furrowed eyebrows, and James does.
They start to drive a bit later, when the sun has risen higher and most of the fog has dissoveld and made way for a cloudy but sunny day.
James connects his phone to the car and starts to drive. Regulus seems less on edge now and James is proud to call the hickeys blooming on his neck and disappearing under his sweater his work.
“I hate this song,“ Regulus complains weakly, not moving a single muscle to change it.
James can't help it, he laughs out loud; and for a short while it feels like their summer is only starting, when the illusions that this time something will change are still fresh and almost believable.
Regulus has his feet propped up on the dashboard, and his neck turned against the headboard to look at James.
The island is a small one so they don't drive long. As expected, Regulus releases a triumphant little sound when he indeed recognizes where James has brought them. James doesn't mind one bit.
It's a group of caves by the shore, white seagulls are resting on the black stones. It's deserted, no visitors other than them, like on most places on the island.
James was the one to bring them here but once in the cave Regulus takes it on him to take the lead, nimbly making his way over the stones, occasionally glancing back to laugh at James struggling to not slip on every second step.
James has no will in him to act offended, he can only smile back stupidly like a teenager with a crush.
His eyes are fixed on Regulus frame in front of him so he misses the ball of half wet seaweed hanging from the ceiling, and walks headfirst into it.
He yells out in surpise and Regulus snaps his head around. "James?"
James attempts at brushing the green plants off his head, but some of it tangles in his locks and flops back into his eyes. "Hm?"
The alarmed look on Regulus's face is instandly replaced with a grin when he realizes James is not really in much danger.
“You look stupid,” Regulus giggles, smile brighter than James has ever seen it before.
In moments like these– where pale cheeks switch with flushed, alive feistiness, Regulus looks like James's favorite person in the world.
His own cheeks hurt from smiling so much, the best kind of ache. He doesn't even care that his locks are now sticking to his forehead, wet and still partly green.
The day flows by in a painfully fast blink, they chase each other by the waves, tackling the other into the sand in favour of stealing a kiss, and not a word falls about saying goodbye, the future or the past, or anything tht would rip them out of their bubble.
Over the years they got good at pretending. Pretending the summer streches endless for them.
A few hours and caves later they tumble through James's wooden front door, sharing the taste of the vibrant breeze on their tongues, the kind of air that makes you inhale too much and too greedy.
The sun is veiled and the evening is almost eery, with no people out on the streets.
James shuts the door behind them blidly with a foot, not wanting to sepreate from Regulus' mouth. Regulus wouldn't let him, anyway.
He can only percieve the strong grip of James' hands on his waist pulling him in, always closer, his mouth on Regulus', and can't think.
Regulus guides them to James' bed and falls on it blindly, he feels so warm. James lets himself be pulled down, but his mouth doesn't land where Regulus wants it.
Head tucked into Regulus shoulder, already halfway on top of his body, James asks, “What do you want?”
Regulus refuses to ask for it. He only grips James' shirt tighter. He sneaks both arms around him and balls his fist at the small of James' back, body arching off the bed to press closer.
“You want a hug? Is that it?” James asks, his breath tickling Regulus neck when he laughs. “If you wanna cuddle, you just need to ask for it. You know I won't say no.”
And James is so close now. He smells so good. Its just a mix of deodorant, laundry detergent, and whatever product he uses for his air. Something like lavender. It shouldn't smell so good, but it has Regulus throwing restriction out of the window and wrapping both legs around James like a fucking coala.
He must seem so desperate right now, so fucking needy. All his hard work at running away, at forcing himself away from paper and pen to write James the long, honest letters he deserves is going to waste.
But James is so warm. And Regulus hates him so much.
“I hate you so much,” he says out loud, one hand crawling up James's back to touch at his nape, trying to untuck him from he crook of his neck.
James is smirking when he pushes himself up, looking smug and pleased, snuggled right between Regulus legs.
“Really?” he asks, blatantly staring at Regulus mouth again. “Please, hate me some more.”
God, Regulus swears he will die if he doesn't get kissed right now.
Regulus manages to whisper a semi convincing, “Idiot,” before he grips James' neck and pulls him in, only in. Their lips crash in the hast of a unavoidable goodbye looming over them. Desperate and unforgiving. James tastes like the seawater Regulus surfs in and of sunshine. Regulus will never find out if James tastes of sunshine and warmth in winter too.
He tugs at James shirt urgently and James complies. It lands somewhere on the floor. Regulus kisses down from James lips to his jaw, onto his neck. James gasps when Regulus bites down lightly, presses himself impossibly closer to Regulus's body.
“James,” He whimpers out unvoluntarily, panting hotly against his bare neck. James cradles his cheek, pupils thrown wide.
“You are so beautiful,” he says like it's something to pity, like he means it.
There's a shrill ding. And suddenly James is off and gone to open the door. Regulus hates people. He hates this island, hates that he can't leave it behind.
A few minutes later James returns to the room.
“Postman.” He rolls his eyes good-naturedly and Regulus breath gets stuck in his throat because how can anyone be so lovely? He feels the bizarre urge to cry. James makes him weak in many ways, always has.
James' jeans hang dangerously low on his hips, his skin lit by the orange of the sunset through the open window. The white curtains sway lightly, without a care in the world.
Regulus would ask for nothing more, if this moment wasn't linked to James leaving. As if these curtains won't be shut closed for the remaining year, with no life behind them to keep Regulus warm during winter nights. Nights have never been the same since Regulus first spend one with James, nothing compares.
He forces his head away from what lays ahead and onto James. He isn't about to give away one second he has with him. Isn't about to let the rippling ache of seperation consume him. Not now, not when he will have enough time for that until next summer.
James is still flushed pink in the doorway, hair made a mess, head tilted. “You okay?”
“Only if you come back.”
Something flashes through James' eyes and through Regulus's heart. "Of course," and with that he comes back to bed, and with him safety and a longing Regulus shouldn't feel now, not when James is still here.
The kiss they share then isn't like the ones prior. Its soft and unbearably sweet. James nips at Regulus lower lips slowly and sighs into his mouth. James hand is at his hip, secure and soft. Fuzzy warmth spreads through Regulus and for the next few hours he feels nothing but James.
James wakes up to an empty bed and waves crashing ashore wildly. He steps closer to the window. There is nothing sweet in the air today either, all fast wind and salty, cold air. James doesn't have to look for a note about Regulus whereabouts. He knows exactely where he is.
James walks onto the empty beach barefoot, with jeans and a sweater, the sleeves reach over his fingertips. Regulus would drown in it. The thought makes James smile.
His heels sink into the cold sand over and over again, the sand wells up between his toes. He feels suprisingly content and at ease, wandering along the deserted beach along the morning sea.
It doesn't take James long to spot him. A single black dot between the waves, getting bigger with a wave that races him ashore before he's paddling back out again, bobbing, comes closer again.
James could watch him in his element for hours. Its fascinating to see Regulus surf because he's not trying to control the waves but instead makes it look like a connection between surfer and sea. Regulus glides over the water fluidly, in complete control of his board and his body, as elegant as the waves themselves.
James sits down in the sand, hugs his knees to his chest and watches him chase bigger and bigger waves.
James thinks a little about all and nothing, such as his conception of love. He's been told from little on love is loud and overwhelming. A force you can't miss, a spark. But sometimes love is subtle. Its quiet and peaceful like a wave that washes over you and takes its time to form. The problem with love like this is you don't realize it's love until it's too late because the wave has broken, forever lost in the sea.
Some things are probably not meant to last, James likes to tell himself, because thinking Regulus simply doesn't want them to last is by far worse.
James feels something tug at his stomach, a weight inside of him he can't shake off. It's a familiar pain and all he can do is get used to it until it get's easier to live with.
Sometime soon Regulus emerges from the water, droplets running down his bodysuit in synch with James' eyes.
“James?” James forces his eyes up to Regulus's and smiles.
“Since when are you here?” Regulus doesn't sound annoyed, not even surprised, only very beautiful. Glowing from the thrill he gets while surfing, hair wet and like someone James will never have.
His body moves before his brain can catch up, and he wraps his arms around Regulus forcefully.
“James, I'm soaked, ” Regulus protests, though his arms don't feel like letting go anytime soon.
“Dont care,” James muffles into Regulus hair that always smells of salt.
“Gotta have a proper goodbye.”
“Goodbyes make goodbyes harder than they are,” Regulus says, deathgrip on James sweater.
James croaks out a wet laugh. "You're the worst, you know that?"
"Yeah, I do."
James of last year would have asked will you write, with the same foolish hope he had asked the year before, and the year before that.
So today he keeps his mouth shut and on Regulus'. The only thing he leaves behind on the island is a sweater on his bed.
One week later James gets the first envelope. It's wrapped with a green ribbon, Regulus neat handwriting on top. The letter inside feels like sand when it crinkles under James shaky hands.