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Yukichi asks Ougai to stay the night at his home after their talk. Even though Ougai feels like he shouldn't (because even though it will happen eventually, no one yet knows about their relationship, and it feels so risky, especially after Ougai's extended absence from work with the excuse of "illness"), he goes to stay anyway.
He won't admit it, but he knows he desperately needs it. The comfort Yukichi offers Ougai is one he cannot get from anyone else, after all.
What Ougai doesn't expect, however, is how they end up in their current position: Ougai with his back propped up against several pillows leaning against the head of the bed, Yukichi with his arms wrapped around him, his head resting on his belly, Ougai's fingers threaded in his silver hair. They've both been silent now for quite some time - since they came in, actually, and since Yukichi put them both in this position - until…
"We're having a baby."
Yukichi's voice is soft, and full of awe, his words mouthed against the thin layer of cloth that is Ougai's shirt.
"We are," Ougai says, also softly. His voice is rough, scratched and strained from how long and hard he'd wept against Yukichi's chest earlier, but still with undeniable notes of happiness underneath. "Are you- you're excited, aren't you?" He murmurs once the realization finally hits him.
Yukichi smiles gently up at him when he lifts his head up to look at Ougai properly. It's the rare, soft kind of smile Ougai isn't used to seeing on his lover's face often, but one which sparks deep, intense feelings within him which he's not entirely sure what to do with at first.
"Of course I am," he says, voice still as soft as his expression. "What else could I be?"
Ougai gives a watery, breathy laugh, then sniffles a little at the end, mentally cursing the tears which spring to his eyes. Haven't I cried enough recently?
You don't cry nearly enough as you need to, comes Elise's voice from the back of the headspace. Ougai ignores her for now, knowing there will most likely be consequences later, but deciding not to worry about them at this moment.
"I was afraid you'd be upset," Ougai finally says, voice low and quiet and tinged with embarrassment. "After all, it's… we aren't exactly in a position where having a baby is the safest or smartest idea. I thought you would at least protest either of us keeping them." Which is why they had tried to avoid it before, but the universe, as it seems, had other plans.
Ougai looks away after speaking, but Yukichi pulls one of his arms from around his waist, reaches up and gently cups Ougai's face in his large hand, warm and calloused, but still so gentle.
"Look at me, Dove."
Despite the words he says, Yukichi's voice is gentle, and the command is far from harsh or angry. Ougai turns his face back towards his lover, eyes still brimming with unshod tears he's fighting to hold back.
"I understand your fear," he starts to say. "I am afraid, too; though, only for the safety of you and our little one." Yukichi pauses, as though searching for the right words, before he continues. "Our people respect us. They will understand the decisions we make, no matter what those decisions are. I do truly believe that. As for anyone else who might want to stand in the way of this - of us …"
For just a moment, a split second, really, a dangerous look crosses Yukichi's eyes. "I believe I can handle anyone who would try to hurt you for now. Not that you could not, but putting you in harm's way would be…" He trails off for a moment, frowning, as though something awful has occurred to him (perhaps it has, Ougai thinks, considering what he's just said).
"After all, I have guarded you once before. The difference now is that we both have more to lose, yet so much more to give as well."
Yukichi's thumb gently rubs across Ougai's cheek, keeping him grounded in the present, as a smile flickers across his face once again.
"I will keep you both safe. Nothing is going to happen to you, nor to the family we are going to build."
Ougai sucks in a breath as the realization finally hits him along with Yukichi's words: they really are building a family, aren't they?
"To tell you the truth…" Ougai lets out another little watery laugh, rubbing at his eyes with the back of his hand. "I… hadn't thought about it like that. That the two of us were- building a family. That's- something permanent, that I never thought I'd have again."
Noticing the heavy look of sadness which etches itself onto Ougai's features (still so beautiful in his sadness, though the sadness he must feel makes Yukichi's heart ache with the desire to fight off everything that weighs on his mind, from now until the end of time), Yukichi strokes his thumb against Ougai's cheek again.
"You do not have to talk about that right now if you are not ready," Yukichi murmurs. "I have no idea how fresh the wounds from that still are for you, but regardless, I cannot imagine it being easy for you to talk about."
"It's- it's not, you're right," Ougai murmurs hoarsely, feeling his lip trembling as he fights harder to hold back the tears which fill his eyes yet again. Foolishly, he blinks, sending a few rolling down his cheeks. As soon as they fall, however, Yukichi wipes them away, moving his other hand up so he can hold Ougai's face in his hands, so he can wipe away his tears, bracing his weight on his own knees on the bed as he does. "I'm sorry."
Yukichi shakes his head slowly. "There is nothing to apologize for, Dove. You've done nothing wrong."
"Maybe so," Ougai sniffs, then laughs softly before he continues, "Still, I can't imagine dealing with me is going to be easy from here on out, if I'm going to stay as emotional as I already am- or even get worse in the coming months. Are you sure that's a job you want to take on?"
A soft chuckle leaves Yukichi's lips as he leans up and forward to capture Ougai's in a kiss. The soft tenderness of it all nearly takes both of their breaths away, before he pulls away, Yukichi's smile still very much present.
"Of course. This is our child, after all, and I love both of you so very much already. The thought of leaving you has never - and will never - cross my mind. Not now, and not in the days to come, either."
"I can't believe I thought you'd be angry," Ougai finally says after a few moments of silence (of him swallowing back the sobs which rise in his throat, of him trying to re-compose himself, if only just a bit). "I truly am a fool, aren't I?"
Yukichi shakes his head once again. "No. You were simply afraid, Dove. And if it is up to me to chase away all of your fears for now? Then so be it. It will be far from the worst thing I have ever done for the good of someone else."
Try as he might, Ougai can't stifle the soft little sob that escapes past his lips, and Yukichi adjusts so that he can pull Ougai close to his chest, wrapping his arms around him and providing him the stability and gentle comfort he so desperately needs, for as long as he needs it.
For the first time in Ougai's life, love is something that does not hurt, and Yukichi has never been happier to be the first thing in someone's life, too.